Would you believe we haven’t recapped the Dally M awards since 2009? Damn that’s a long time! Maybe it’s because we subconsciously thought nothing could ever get better than Jarryd Hayne almost being hit by a glitter cannon and David Gallop being MIA in the bathroom when he was meant to be on stage.
Either way, we back!
This year, if you’re watching on TV, the event starts with the Matty Johns Show, and Jaime Rogers still tells you the TAB odds, but she does it in a formal gown because she is nothing if not a go-getter. Remember that time she wore a cardboard headgear?
The NRL CEO Dave Smith gives a speech that involves him starting a clap from ON STAGE which is seriously ballsy and now we kind of associate him in our minds with the dad from strictly ballroom, so there’s that.
All the players are obviously trying really hard to look Serious and Responsible while they listen to the boss, except Michael Jennings who is laughing uncontrollably at something. NEVER CHANGE JENKO!
Obviously we all know that the North Queensland Cowboys couldn’t make it on the night, so Jonathan Thurston appears live on a video screen from North Queensland. It’s hard to explain exactly what haircut JT is rocking … so let’s just say he looks 50% like Jon Snow and 50% like a schoolkid who just had his fringe brushed to the side by his year four teacher with a regulation black plastic lice-preventing comb.
JT also wins the Captain of the Year award with Matt Scott which means back to the live cross TV screen! Due to the magic of live TV delays we get to watch JT and Matt Scott stand like this for a solid 300 seconds.
Nawww. Aren’t they adorable? Space friends!
Seriously, you can’t imagine how long this delay feels. Go into the kitchen and boil your kettle and imagine that the whole time you’re doing that the two captains of a grand final side are just standing there like … I don’t know what to do with my hands.
It’s possible that Thurston and Scott are literally live crossing to us from space. And space is filled with black curtains and solar-powered outdoor fairy lights from aisle 15 at Bunnings. Also, in space, they are having a very awkward prom tonight and these two took each other as dates.
The Beav – who we totally, unashamedly love – presents an award with Daly Cherry-Evans and if our maths is right, they could basically be father and son. We are SO old. So very old.
In fashion news from the Dally Ms, Jamie Soward’s sleeves are so BIG. Is this a young people’s fashion trend we are unaware of? Aaron Woods is wearing the shiny headband that is his accessory of choice for formal events. You will be unsurprised to know that we find him delightful. Woodsy, let’s hang out, yeah? Bring your dog!
Enjoying the high quality photos we took of the TV? You’re welcome, Errolers!
At this point during the Dally Ms you probably heard Kiki screaming like she was meeting Zac Efron which is because Malcolm Turnbull is there and on stage and wearing a tuxedo. ZOMG IT’S BAE!
She literally tweeted the word “bae”. She has lost her mind.
In a twist that makes us think the music producer at this thing is an Abbott fan, Turnbull has to walk up on stage to music that sounds like he’s Darth Vader. He throws shade at the Cowboys for being 99% made up of former Roosters and seriously, it’s epic. That bitchface tho.
Tessa James presents an award with Shane Watson and legitimately makes a joke about her husband Nate Myles with the punchline “we would’t want his head to get any bigger.” TESSA WE ADORE YOU. Come and eat cheese with us and tell us jokes anytime you elfin queen.
Did we mention that Wayne “Uncle Wayne” Bennett is the coach of the year AND HE’S WEARING A POLKA DOT BOW TIE? What a time to be alive.
As Nathan Hindmarsh gets ready to present the Ken Stephen Medal, the MC Tony Squires tells him “it’s good to hold onto your bitterness”, in which case Tony, mate, you would LOVE Sassy.
Her book of feuds is probably longer than Russell Crowe’s. Right now she is literally adding a new page to it to put Sylvia Jeffreys in purely because she wore a maroon dress to the Dally Ms and walked up on stage and said “I dressed like a winner”. What kind of Queensland demon are you, Sylvia?
Do you know what always puts us back in a good mood? Norm Provan and Arthur Summons. We feel 100% certain that on the weekends Arthur wears long socks and shorts and hoses the nature strip outside his house while he listens to the ponies on a portable radio.
Norm, he’s probably too busy telling people at the shops how young people today have no manners with their ripped trousers and iPods.
Remember that time they got up on stage at the Dally Ms and literally told the audience they’re not a couple? Well this year tops that. Norm patted Arthur on the head. Then Arthur said the words “WHAT A GREAT FOURSOME”.
Proving that he is basically the most likeable human being on the planet, Johnathan Thurston wins the Provan Summons Medal, and we all watch a tribute to the late Mike Gibson which kind of would be more poignant if it didn’t include a joke about rectal examinations.
Gibbo you were our childhoods, bum jokes included. Never change, Australia.
When it comes to the Under 20s awards, all the photos are so incredibly unflattering. We seriously think the NRL in general should employ an under 20s photo editor to select and appropriately photoshop all photos of the small children before publication because do you know who looks good in photos? NOT TEENS.
We’re just lucky we’re old enough to literally burn all the photos of us from before we turned 20 and since our childhood was in the 90s when we all churned our own butter and no one had the internet that means no one will ever see us wearing denim capri pants and platform slides.
Also, we have no idea who this kid is who wins the under 20s award. So here is a photo of basically what he looks like to us.
FYI there is also an award at the Dally Ms that claims to be about journalism and headlines but is actually about torturing Parramatta fans for about 5 minutes with footage of their team losing to about 10 other teams in various horrifying ways. We weep for you in this moment, Eels fans. We weep for you. Lucky there’s so much booze on those tables at the Star.
Laura Geitz from the Australian diamonds – or as Kiki calls them, the Gumtrees – presents the award for female player of the year. Between Sterlo, who is a little Aussie treasure, and Laura who is like a beautiful musk stick, and ladies doing so well at sports WE ARE OVERWHELMED.
Jenni-Sue you are a weapon and we salute you.
The last part of the night is the Dally M team of the year, you know when they call them up position by position? and obviously Roger Tuivasa-Sheck is fullback of the year, and then Semi Radradra is winger of the year and it’s the cutest thing ever because Semi!
We legitimately know a baby whose first word was “Radradra”. We shit you not. That baby’s middle name is also Danger, so he’s pretty much the greatest human to ever live.
Except then James Roberts is centre of the year and we want to cry because you can’t even imagine how big a deal that is and we’re SO proud and we don’t even care that he has no tie and his real big collar makes him look like a disco dance instructor parents would tell their daughters to stay away from at in 1979.
In North Queensland, or as we like to call it, another galaxy, Thurston is the Dally M player of the year. About 6 other Cowboys players appear from nowhere to give him awkward space hugs, and JT tells the crowd “I can’t explain what this means … “
What? To be standing here in space? Well for one thing it means Queenslanders are waaay more sophisticated than we thought if those bitches can get y’all into orbit.
He goes for kind of a full on pash with his wife, like maybe more a slightly tipsy wedding pash than an awards pash, but hey who are we to judge? If you went to jail for inappropriate pashing this blog would be 99% about making wine in your cellblock toilet.
Happy pashing JT! And never change, rugby league.