Is it just me or does that sound kind of dirty?

Tonight’s game against the Panthers is the last home game of the season for the Doggies (if ANZ Stadium can in any way be described as having a home-like atmosphere. Maybe ‘windswept’ would be more accurate. Cavernous? Soul-engulfing? ‘Ikea-adjacent? Take your pick.)

This means it’s the last home game for Noddy Kimmorley and Luke Patten, and the perfect chance to honour two great footy players by wearing really, really ridiculous hats.

Such a happy gnome. Pic. Gregg Porteous

They asked the rest of the doggies, and this is what they said:

Luke Patten on Noddy: “What stands out for me is his enthusiasm for the game; it is infectious. He is a real legend of the game.”

Michael Ennis on the General: “General makes those around him want to play for him and compete hard.”

Josh Morris on the General – “General is a true legend of the Club and a gentleman of the game. We are going to miss you.”

Which is all actually really adorable. But forget about their playing ability, we’ll also remember Noddy for the time he dressed up in full gnome costume on channel nine, for the time he was kneed in the balls on-field, for the many many fights we got into over his infamous Origin intercept pass … and for the time the heavies at the NRL made him sit on Sassy’s knee and tell the whole of Australia what he wanted for Christmas.

Seriously, every time we see him now he eyes me off suspiciously. IT WASN’T EVEN MY IDEA NODDY, I SWEAR!

And I think maybe my memories of the General are the sweetest of all. How will I ever forget the infamous Country week when he was so traumatised by terrifying stalkers that I had to hug him and hide him like a mama bird. Later, he accidentally high-fived me in the head. Good times.

THANKS FOR THE CAP, SADIE!

General, we salute you.

Hello all!

I know I’ve been totally absent of late, I’ve been a tad busy. For those who didn’t know, I’m the new Assistant Editor of Rugby League Player magazine. The pic above is an artist’s rendering of me hard at work. How good is my sweater vest! Anyway, I’ve been running around like a headless chicken trying to get stuff organised for our next issue. I’ve only been there a month but I’ve already got to do awesome things like

a) grab Sassy, jump in my Jeep and drive out to Penrith. Then hang out for 2 hours in CUA Stadium with the adorable Michael Gordon, interview him and then force him into an American Apparel t-shirt I picked out. Happy to report he is just as awesome as we expected. He also repeatedly took the piss out of me which obviously makes me love him even more.

b) somehow convince Errol fave Robbie ‘Nips’ Farah to sit down with me for over an hour and give me an awesome interview. He didn’t even object when I yelled STOP LOOKING SO UNCOMFORTABLE ROBBIE across Norton Street during the photoshoot. Keep in mind he knows all about Errol, his Nips nickname and even admitted reading our post on Ready Steady Cook. Robbie, you are such an awesome human.

c) spend Friday morning at Rabbitohs HQ, interviewing CEO Shane Richardson, community manager John Hutchinson and the hilarious media manager Jeremy Monahan. Seriously kids, I was wide eyed with wonder the whole time. Obviously working in footy has given me a peek behind the scenes, but this was on a whole new level. When Mr Richardson was talking I actually got goosebumps. Okay, I’m kind of tragic but I swear IT WAS SO AMAZING.

Now onto things that aren’t me.

The Jacksonville Axemen are our second family. For the ignorant amongst you, footy does exist outside the NRL. They have a national league in the USA. Yes, really! Apparently there are other teams in the league, but we care not for them.

The Axemen and their fans are some the best humans we’ve ever come across. The owner, coach and captain is Spinner Howland. He’s from Queensland (ew) but is basically like our Dad and says things like ‘fair suck of the sauce bottle girls’ with no irony. He also didn’t even care when we stalled his truck in the middle of the highway and he had to bolt out of work to rescue us.

We’ve been to Jacksonville twice, read about our first time here. At this time last year we were in NYC about to watch our boys play the Grand Final against the New York Knights (also known as the Melbourne Storm of the AMNRL. aka wholly unlikeable and possibly evil). Example – they got t-shirts made saying ‘Yes, we did!’ and put them on as soon as the game ended. See! Hateful!

I googled ‘evil knight’ and got this

Sassy and I may or may not have got into a massive fight with the owner of the Knights that involved me yelling OI DICKHEAD and shaking a chain mail fence. It resulted in him scurrying away like a pussy. But that’s a story for another time.

Anyway, once again the Axemen have had a shit hot season and ended up in the big one. This time it’s against the New Haven Warriors. I’m sure they are lovely blokes but I hope the Axemen rip them to shreds. MAKE EM HURT BOYS!

We ask that you please tweet at the Axemen with your support. Here are a few reasons why you should get behind them -

Spinner has no hair but a lot of heart

Matty ‘Montana’ Clark is tough on the field, hilarious off it.

Jay DeFau = AMAZING HUMAN

They are in man love.

Craig Howitt has a ginger beard, does retro stretching and once got arrested in airport for impersonating a tiger.

Nick Shea is from Boston. He says ‘wicked awesome’, has Kennedy hair and plays like a man 3 times his size.

They have faces like this.

AXEMEN FOR PREMIERS 2010! WE LOVE YOU BOYS!

The finalised team list for the GF is as follows

1	Kenny Britt
2	Josh Longenecker
3	Matt Thornton
4	Zac Matta
5	Dylan Beaver
6	Brent Shorten
7	Luke Gray
8	Craig Howitt
9	Apple Pope
10	Matt Clark
11	Bob Knoepfel
12	Taco Pope
13	Adrian Grayson
14	Richard Alleger
15	Spinner Howland
16	Marc Hanke
17	Matt Schell
18	Jonathan DeFau
19	Jaime Uyttewaal
21	Nick Shea

Please welcome another installment from Errol’s favourite guest blogger and generally angry man, Angry Man. This time, Angry Man’s got his outrage on about footy-y nicknames, and we admit: we’re guilty of it too. Sorry, Angry Man!

When Angry Man was in kindergarten, there were three boys in the class named Nicholas. In order to make things easier for classmates, one boy was called Nick, another dubbed Nicky and the final one kept the full Nicholas. In the world of Rugby League commentators, the solution to the above conundrum would be to call all three boys Nicky.

This verbal infliction was first bought to Angry Man’s attention by yet another school teacher. This one, a sage old chap by the name of Mr Maher. He once asked, “Why is it that rugby league commentators are determined to dumb down the game by throwing a “y” on the end of every player’s Christian name?”

And then it dawned – he was right.

Before continuing, it’s important to make two points. Firstly, Angry Man loves nicknames. “Piggy” is a terrific name for Mark Riddell, and the moniker given to old Bulldogs hooker Robert Mears of “Paps” is up there with the best. Secondly, in some cases, the “y” on the end suits the bloke and has replaced the proper name altogether. Cases in point are Benny Elias and Tommy Raudonikis.

But you can’t tell me that every single bloke who laces on a footy boot and takes the field has a first named ending with “y.” Well, listening to the average game of footy on the weekend would leave you thinking otherwise.

Let’s take a Rabbitohs game for example. It’s not unrealistic to envisage in one passage of play that Chrissy Sandow, may pass to Johnny Sutton, onto Sammy Burgess who pops it out the back to Davey Taylor who offloads to a flying Rhyssy Wesser who goes over untouched the corner … are you kidding me?

The “Davey” example is particularly grating, right alongside “Franky”, “Izzy” and “Stevey” as being the most irritating. If it’s bad when done to players though, it’s even worse when applied to coaches. “Timmy” Sheens is one that’s especially annoying as we’re talking about a distinguished grown man in his 60’s who’s being verbally reduced to the naughty little six-year-old in the corner.

This is a disease and one that appears to affect all rugby league commentators alike. It’s guaranteed to pop up at least a couple of times per team during any Tuesday night reading of the team sheets. It even happens with blokes making their first grade debut. Surely the commentator doesn’t know every player in the competition so well as to know that they prefer “Georgy” instead of George.

Gary Freeman should also put his hand up for a fair share of blame. Freeman does it so often that last year during a Sharks game he called Luke Covell, “Lukey Covelly.”

But Phil Gould holds the unwanted distinction of the world’s worst ever piece of commentary: “I like Lukey Lewis, Lukey’s a nice boy.”

[disclaimer: Errol loves hearing Gus' pronouncements in commentary on who he likes! Our personal favourite was his comment about Jason 'Flossy' Nightingale: "I like him, but he's special". AMEN.]

What’s so wrong about putting a “y” on the end of a player’s name? Well, as Mr Maher pointed out, it dumbs down the game. Doing it incessantly reduces rugby league to the lowest common denominator. Rugby League is a working class game but that doesn’t mean that working class or football for that matter has to be equated with dumb.

Angry Man doesn’t mind the “y” when it’s used sparingly. But when it’s abused and overused it becomes cringe worthy. It’s a verbal tic that has spread like a virus. Commentators need to take heed: Like not every sheep is white, not every Matt is Matty!

Ever watched daytime tv? Of course you have. It’s what sick days are for.

Well this week, two of our Errol faves were guests on that bastion of mid-afternoon entertainment, Ready, Steady, Cook!

Holy cuteness, batman! Hi boys!

And luckily for those of you who are productive members of society, we’re gonna walk you through how it went down.

If you’re unfamiliar with Ready Steady, Cook, one of the most delightful moments of the show is when the insanely touch-feely-fabulous-host Peter Everett calls the guests out of the crowd. Because they don’t just walk to the stage, they have to walk to the stage bringing a small shopping bag of groceries with them, which they use during the show. And for some reason it’s really REALLY hard to look normal while walking down stairs, wearing stage makeup, and holding a single canvas shopping bag.

Today Host Peter is as orange as Shayne Hayne and accentuating it with a bright pink button-down. Rock on, Everett!

First up he calls down Robbie ‘Nips’ Farah from Wests Tigers. Robbie’s carrying his little red bag of ingredients and wearing the tightest shirt in the history of mankind and we can totally all see the nips that have made him famous. WE CAN ALSO SEE HIS SPLEEN. It’s very … Chris Heighington. God knows hino loves a tight tee more than life.

Now, from the amazingly camp way P.Ev screams out “HE’S THE CAPTAIN!” you were probably expecting this:

But no, it’s Nips Farah. For some reason there’s a random girl in a Manly jersey in the crowd. There’s always a Manly fan. According to P.Ev, Nips’ resume goes something like:

“He’s handsome, he’s terrific … he’s an athlete”. Well said, Pete. They have an awkward hug and things are as awkward as a one-legged awkward cowboy trying to ride into Awkward Town on a horse named “I wish there was a fire exit”.

Pete gropes Nips’ biceps while Nips just stands there with his hands clasped over his crotch in the international body language symbol for terror. Protect the genitals!

If you haven’t noticed, yes, P.Ev is kind of chubby and pervy. Basically, he’s us if we were men. Nips shows the crowd what he has in his bag o’ shopping ingredients, and the crowd go nuts for a punnet of potatoes. He pulls out a punnet of dates and P.Ev asks “do you like a good date?”

Of course he does.

Next up Sam Burgess makes his entry with his bag o’ shopping goodies and Peter greets him with a hug and by grabbing his biceps and waving them at the audience. That’s how we greet people, too! Sammy shows off his foodstuffs and the crowd is very suspicious of the tuna, but fucking overjoyed by the fennel.

The sight of Sam Burgess holding a tiny bunch of broccolini in his hand like a single flower and saying “broooccooolayni” is one of the top ten greatest things I’ve ever seen.

He tells the nation that he moved out of home early: “I had to learn myself to cook. I’m very simple but I love cooking.”

The crowd are loling hysterically and you can hear Sam yell out “I MEAN I’M NOT SIMPLE! I JUST COOK SIMPLE FOOD!”

Sammy’s chef partner tells the crowd they’re going to cook seared tuna and a random man in the audience can be heard saying “oh yeaaaah”.

SCP tells the crowd they will also make tuna tartar and Kiki and I argue about whether the random audience dude says “oh baby!” or “oh, dangerous!” Either way, he has really, really strong opinions regarding tuna and the cooking thereof.

Pete and Sam stand around and snuggle for awhile, and Nips Farah puts on an apron. It’s delightful.

Sammy talks about how one time he asked if he could wear tights and ride horseback through the forest as an extra in Russell Crowe’s Robin Hood. Apparently “health and safety reasons prevented it”. Health and safety reasons meaning they had already cast little John.

Then he tells us that apparently, last time his mum came to town she had to stay in Australia for three weeks because of the tornado in Iceland. Tornado, volcano. Potato, Tomato. Whatever.

P.Ev is very concerned about the fact that Sam is single. OH REALLY PETER? YOU ONLY TOLD US TEN TIMES ALREADY. He wants to know “I don’t understand how you’re single being so pleasant!”

Pleasant? That’s quite the compliment, Peter. It’s like the time Kiki’s mum asked her why I was single. Her exact words were “how is Sassy single? She’s a nice girl. And she has a nice figure”. Let’s not go too crazy here. One time she also said I look just like Rosie the hobbit from Lord of the Rings, which is worrying because unlike the other comment, it’s 100% true.

P.Ev picks up his game and calls Sam “very young and handsome”. Then he tells us Sam’s single again and actually yells “WOOHOO!”  The chef minions walk around and cook stuff.

P.Ev wanders over and asks Nips Farah if he’s also lonely. Robbie snaps back NO like a freaked out cat. Clearly he is too busy ripping up herbs for this chit-chattery. He is a very serious young man.

Finally we reach the business end of the show, where the guests taste the chef’s food and the audience votes.

Nips tries an eggplant lasagne, a tartine (IT HAS EGGS! Sam is probably jealous), and he’s really scarfing that shit down. He’s also doing that thing where you point your fork at something and grunt and point and nod with a mouthful of food to signify “this is a truly delicious dish”.

Nips then continues eating, while the camera pans to Sam’s team and their food. Hello Sam’s time to shine! For some reason I feel reasonably confident this is a man who knows his way around a knife and fork. No judgment, I’m obsessed with food too. Like a labrador.

There’s something that involves olives. He randomly says “the olives! the flavour!” then licks his thumb and goes back for seconds. The seared tuna gets an oh yeah of approval, and he may just be the happiest boy in the world right now. We get to the banana parfait dessert and sam literally FIST PUMPS. It’s amazing and heartwarming.

He tells the audience he’ll “go hard” and stuffs his mouth with parfait.

According to the audience, Sam’s team wins and he punches the air with joy. He wins a set of knives, and Nips wins a whole lot of olive oil. Translation: everyone wins!

Just to finish off the show with a final moment of intense awkwardness, Peter Everett thanks Nips for his wonderful charity work, and looks meaningfully at Sam while he says “welcome to Australia. We hope you find happiness here.”

Sam eats a whole eggplant and … credits.

* Alternate title for this post was, in fact: ready, steady …. NIPPLES!

Feel like something’s missing in your life? Well after we linked you yesterday to the awesome shirtless George Rose pictures from the “Stage of Origin” event … the Daily Telegraph has finally come to the party today. WAY TO BE LATE GUYZ. (Kidding, we love you. Don’t send Rupert Murdoch’s goons to silence us).

And boy did they deliver. Click on the montage for more Des Hasler lolz than you ever thought possible. Happy Friday from us xx

Well it happened, friends. Kiki’s Dragons and my Roosters clashed at the SCG. YES WE SURVIVED. It was surprisingly … civilised. Maybe the SCG just gives out those kind of vibes, because the whole thing was generally sunshiney and positive and lovely and genial. No, I’m not joking. Neither of us even got up and sang a song about scoring tries while doing an obnoxious little dance (which we usually really, really enjoy).

It also helped that there was a fucking fierce Roosters fan sitting behind us in a NSWRL-era jersey, who could perfectly imitate a rooster.

It’s hard to be depressed with a woman in a footy jersey cock-a-doodle-doing behind you. I think my mum actually has that embroidered on a teatowel.

It also helped that there was a lot to like. I cried a little tear when Kane Linnett limped from the field, but Todd Carney run the ball eased the pain. MAubs at centre for next week? Don’t mind if we do. Sure it might all go down in flames, but you can’t deny he runs beautiful lines and the bitch does have some footwork. I believe.

And lastly, it helped that some people had equally traumatic weekends:

Exhibit A: Intern John-John had to have his weekly leg-wax in public (well it was for charity)

Exhibit B: all of womanhood suffered as one when Matt Ballin’s face got injured. NOT THE FACE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Exhibit C: J.Aubs discovered that when you’re out injured for the season … you’re suddenly at the bottom of the pyramid and the boys totally make you do all the shit jobs.  eg. take over when there’s smoke burning your vulnerable little eyes. As if he doesn’t have enough problems! Stop laughing Todd Carney!

Exhibit D: Oh, Beau. That’s him trying to hail a cab after his weekend performance.

Exhibit E: The Storm lost Greg Inglis …. and their will to live.

That reminds me: in completely expected and in no way surprising signing news, Greg Inglis is a Bronco. We all know he’s a fucking bandit for a maroon jersey. Also, we totally predicted it in the latest issue of Rugby League Player (buy it. It’s ace). We also predicted GI will take his boat with him to Brissie and start a Whitsunday charter sail operation that ends in tragedy. We’re pretty much Nostradamus, or something.

Errol fave Flash Gordon is staying at Penrith,while Jeremy Smith has joined the dark side and signed to the Sharks. If nothing else, we hope he somehow manages to cheer up Anthony Tupou with his love and friendship. WHY SO SAD, TOOPS?

Apparently Steve Matai turned down the Warriors before he confirmed a deal with Manly, meaning his deal with Manly will be a whole lot less. He is a master negotiator, no? We’re 99% sure that when Manly do give him a deal it will be for a glass of water and one of Des’ used hairbrushes and he’ll fall to the ground running in circles like Homer negotiating with Burns.

And up in Brissie, the elder statesmen Darren Lockyer STILL refuses to announce his retirement, and Corey Norman is rapidly turning into Peter Costello, waiting and waiting for John Howard to retire until all of a sudden Malcolm Turnbull’s party leader and Costello is losing his hair. Sucks to be Corey.

Related question – if Darren Lockyer was a vampire, he would be the Master from Buffy, yes?

But screw signings, more importantly JAMAL IS ON TV. He’s signed is a brand new deal to get him on the Footy Show and on that cop show. You know, the one with Gary Sweet.

Well played, Channel 9. Well played. To quote Jamal “I’m not the next big thing, but I’m pretty close to it”. AMEN.

But best of all, DES HASLER MADE A FUNNY. Last night at the Harbord Diggers, George Rose and a team of players took on Dessie’s team in the “Stage of Origin” theatre sports. Just take a moment to think about that, won’t you? Dessie sticking his arms through someone’s armpits and pretending to interview a celebrity. Dessie playing ‘subtitles’. Dessie pretending to do accents.

Wow.

And on that note, I’m gonna leave you with a picture of the Roosters being adorable at a Mission Australia pre-City to Surf barbecue (shoutout to Dan!), and a link to see a shirtless George Rose rocking out at Stage of Origin. You’re welcome.

Hey, Shaun Kenny-Dowall, why so concerned about sausages?

(All game pics: Getty Images)

We guest-edited a magazine. It’s out now! They have it at Borders!

There’s a Roosters Club in Focus special, Hindy, Jamie Soward, Michael Jennings, Lote, Jamal, Duges, Gordie, MG + Carty … look it’s just awesome, okay? And if you love us at all, you’ll buy it.

And as a loving tribute to our cover star, Hindy, here’s a little story I ripped off from Errol bestie Joker’s Wild:

I went down to the NSW training session at Kingscliff this year and got some autographs from some of the lads.

While I was waiting to get Hindys scribble, a little kid stuck his jersey up and said “Can you sign this?”
Hindy said “Can I sign that what?”
Kid said “Can you sign this please?”

Hindy: Gentleman, footballer and teacher of common manners

Love ya Jokers, love ya Hindy.

Pic. Getty Images

We’re resurrecting an Errol tradition -- the footy recap! So for any of you who actually have lives and missed the Roosters vs Eels game on Saturday night -- aka the GAME OF THE ROUND, BITCHES -- you can experience all the magic right here.

So the game’s over at Parra Stadium, which means two things.

1. The Eel mascot will make an appearance, which is one of our favourite things.  You know when he puts his tail between his legs, like a … ? Well, you know. He’s wildly inappropriate and totally not PG and this amuses us greatly.

2. The Eel’s mascot girlfriend will also make an appearance, which without fail makes me want to die. Seriously, a MASCOT has a better love life than me. Shit is dire.

As the Roosters run out I would like to remind you all that YES we do have the shortest shorts in the league and you all fucking love it. Brian Smith is rocking jeans and sneaks like ‘WHAT UP? I’M A COOL DAD’.

Fui Fui Moi Moi’s all corn-rowed and running out with the starting side which I think means the Eels mean business. He’s the human equivalent of a floor-length leather trenchcoat. He also has hamstring tape all up the back of his leg, and instead of the usual two-strap wishbone style it’s about eight pieces of tape. This is obviously because his legs are enormous.

The Chooks take the first set and within three minutes they’re within ten metres of the tryline. It only takes two more sets and M.Aubs runs for the line, hits a hole and busts through beautifully to ground the ball like a red-white-and-blue dynamo. MAAAUBS!

While Todd Carney’s lining up the conversion, Kiki rings me to dicuss how much on a scale of 1 to 10 we adore Maubs (it’s totally 10), and how much he’s realised his potential this season. She says his runs through the line and in open space remind her of Ben Creagh. I rant about how much I love his positioning in support when the halves have the ball and his pretty strawberry-blond hair and call him ‘the new Steve Menzies,’ which she’s maybe not quite convinced of.

Uncanny, no?

Todd ‘Hotpants’ Carney bends forward to take the kick and Kiki predicts the short-shorts are going to end in disaster. “I think it’s only a matter of time until we see a testicle.”

Jarryd-with-a-Y Hayne, in his current incarnation as the Hayne-Plane, looks pissed.

[Note from Sassy's stepdad: He's a COM-PLAIN.]

[Note from Sassy: OMG SHUT UP THAT JOKE WAS TERRIBLE.]

Parra are having no luck, Feleti Mateo loses the ball, there’s some niggle afoot and the Roosters move into attack again. Hotpants Carney throws a magical cut-out pass to Sam Perrett who pops it back to Shaun Kenny-Dowall for a try. Or as we like to call him, PINK MAAAAN! So rosy! So fast!

And as far as we can tell, the Pink Man nickname is catching on. People all over the world, from all eras, at costume parties and even in cartoons are paying tribute to NRL’s Pink Man. He’s a cult hero!

The Roosters look so dangerous I may faint. I’m swooning all over the place at how well the forward pack are playing. Ryles! Myles! Kennedy! I’d marry you all right now!

They play through the middle and Mitchell Pearce throws an offload of beauty to Minichiello for a try. I am DYING. Jarryd-with-a-Y does not so much resemble a plane as something Medieval covered in spikes that they used to torture infidels. He looks even angrier than before.

At least I think he looks angry. On the next set Parra do some weird shit that makes me think they didn’t know it was the last tackle, so maybe all of them, including Jarryd-with-a-Y are just confused?

I would like to suggest that, to help with his confusion, Jarryd-with-a-Y might like to consult the safety card in his seat pocket. If he does, he will see that if he’s looking for a try, a line of red, white and blue players will show him how it’s done.

Welcome to Roosters Air! Where hotpants are just part of the uniform.

There’s some push’n'shove between Frank-Paul Nuuausala and Justin Poore. The Roosters give away about six straight penalties until Parra finally make it through for a Jarryd-with-a-Y try. UGH. STUPID PLANE ARMS. GOD. STAB STAB.

Wait, where was I?

Parra kick to the Chooks’ line and for some reason, instead of playing at it, every single man just stands around and discusses whether they prefer Johnathan Cainer or Mystic Medusa’s horoscopes while the ball bounces. Kane Linnett (hi Kane! We remember you fondly from the Jets!) is the first to put down his chai and grab the ball, then sprints downfield, offloading at the last second to Phil Graham for a try.

Kiki rings me and we both admit we actually had goosebumps on our forearms. If we weren’t ladies, we would probably also have actual footy-induced boners. Amazing! Hotpants gets his fourth conversion. Four for you Todd Carney! You go Todd Carney!

Finally the Eels do something. A Tim Tam Tahu break from Plane pass, a Hotpants Carney intercept, Sam Perrett loses the ball, I think I’m having a stroke, and Hindy runs 30 metres to score. Oh Hindy, we love you more than life. Do you know what you should do it you love Hindy too?

READ THE NEW ISSUE OF RLP GUYZ. WE GUEST-EDITED IT. IT HAS AN AWESOME HINDY FEATURE AND MUCH MUCH MORE. AVAILABLE NOW IN ALL GOOD NEWSAGENTS AND ALL BORDERS STORES.

In the second half, I won’t lie, I lost my mind a bit. All my notes say is this:

is todd adjusting his crotch tape in the middle of the field?

shit kane might be injured.

how good does todd look now he’s given up booze? so lean! so youthful!

adamson is ranting about “the passing and the christmas” is he drunk?

fuck me carney incredible spiral pass dead of joy.

are the short shorts a tribute to ronnie palmer? miss u, love u ronnie.

joel reddy dives over can’t see what happens cause 3 chooks. ref says held up. joel reddy is BLOWING UP like woah.

whee it’s proof you only have to wait three weeks to get a lucky refereeing decision.

hayne is he trying to start a fight??? he’s a war plane! throws a massive tantrum about … I have no idea. but it’s lolz.

oh god ANOTHER penalty oh god oh god oh god. penalty count is 11-4 FUCK ME.

roosters finally back in attack, their defence has been awesome. tim mannah is cycling and it’s cute.

imagine how dangerous skd could be if his passes were more reliable??

The Hayne plane is having difficulties.

wow. wow. eels look like they want to die.

HAHA brian smith just gave thumbs up to the camera

he goes up to fui to say well played, naaaw.

oh shit I think d morts is crying. that’s sad.

I know, I know, I sound functionally illiterate. But if you read that really REALLY loudly, it’s just like watching a game with me. End result 48-12.

And now I’ll leave you with my boys being adorable winners in the locker room.

IN TODD WE TRUST.

First things first: IT’S MOTHERFUCKING SHARK WEEK! YEAH!

Ironically, even though we don’t like Cronulla, we LOVE Shark Week. What’s better than a Shark documentary? Nothing. That’s what.

As you should already know, our office motto – well one of our office mottos – is actually “live every week like it’s Shark Week”. Wise words, no? We totally stole it from 30 Rock.

(Our other mottos include, but are not limited to: “Pants are for suckers!” “of course I want another pie!” and “if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing in hotpants”. That last one is embroidered on the label of all Intern John-John’s shorty shorts).

Pic. Getty Images

In honour of the glory that is Shark Week, we want to give a shout-out to Errol hero, Russell Crowe. There was yet more proof over the weekend that he is awesome and benevolent like Jesus:

RUSSELL CROWE gave eight indigenous kids the day of their lives last Sunday when he treated them to an afternoon in his corporate box. The kids were largely from a mission in Bourke and were rewarded with a trip to Sydney as part of a program called Centacare. ”We told them they’d come to Sydney and get to go to the footy if they had 100 per cent attendance at school for a period of time,” said Mark Hollman, who oversees the program. ”And they all did that, so we got in touch with Souths Cares, who organised tickets and packs and footies for the boys.”

These kids were from the back of Bourke and they’d never seen the front of Bourke. When they got to Lithgow and saw a lake some of them thought it was Sydney Harbour. ”When we got to Sydney I got a call from Russell’s manager, Grant Vandenberg, who said we might get to come up to the box and meet Russell. Not only did we get that but all the boys sat in the box for the entire match. Russell fed them all and went up to each of the boys individually and had a chat to them. They were just blown away by the whole day. They have not stopped talking about it since it happened.”

… Seriously.

Back with the mere mortals, Brett Kimmorley says he might finish out his 85-year footy career at the Sharks. Or at least he won’t rule it out. He met with Shane Flanagan about it, and then said, “to be honest, it would be like going home … I spent such a large part of my career there.”

We just have one thing to say about all of this: WHY? Why, Noddy, why?

We choose to express our advice to Noddy in picture form.

As if we all didn’t know already that the Shire and their team is cursed. What other conclusion can you draw from the fact that they have never won a premiership, that they’re $x million in debt and that Toyota Stadium is constantly beset by a freezing cold wind of death that may or may not be the result of having built it on the remains of some kind of burial ground for the criminally insane?

We had proof again on Saturday night when the West Tigers won an ugly, ugly game over the Sharks at Leichhardt. Let’s be honest, the Tigers had no right to win. The Sharks were well and truly in the game until – bizarrely – Ben Pomeroy scored a possible try …. and was penalised. Even referees hate the Sharks. It was the most ridiculous decision of the season so far, and that’s coming from a Roosters fan (Izzy Folau, anyone?)

Nyello Houston? We have a reffing problem.

Little known Sassy fact: I studied epistemology at uni (of couse I did). Also known as the philosophy of logic. So to help y’all, I put my little logic hat on and made up symbols to represent the five main facts in this case:

1. The ref had called held on the tackle

2. He called it relatively early when he hadn’t done that all game (deemed irrelevant)

3. After the ‘held’ call, Pom continued to fall towards the line, then put the ball down.

4. After the ‘held’ call, at roughly the same time, Bryce Gibbs came into the tackle.

5. Somehow, Cronulla was penalised.

Then I put them all into a logic equation to see if I could make it work, and all I came up with was:

I’m 99% sure this stands for ‘God hates the Sharks’. Even during Shark Week! Sucks to be from Cronulla.

We also found out yesterday that God doesn’t care for the Matty Johns Show. God as in Wayne Bennett, not biblical God.

(You can tell the difference between them because, although both are omnipotent and all-knowing, bible God has never won a premiership).

John Singleton, Matty Johns and Shane Webcke all rang Uncle Wayne to try and get an interview, and Uncle Wayne said … no thanks.

“But he said no … maybe he’s too important.” – Singo

We don’t like to stick our noses into other people’s business (lies, of course we do), but of course he’s too important! He’s Uncle Wayne. Frankly, we’re surprised he even talks to the humans, well, the ones who don’t have schizophrenia with attendant aural delusions anyway. So don’t feel bad Singo.

And to finish off the footy and God round-up, we’re still trying to figure out what to make of the Malbourne vs Canberra game yesterday. Well, not so much the game. Clearly, much as we adore the Raiders, Melbourne played better. (Even Brett Finch played well and apparently he’d spent Friday night getting pissed. He obviously doesn’t get two-day hangovers like we old ladies do). We mean the weather.

How does a game go from this:

Pic. Getty Images

… to this:

Pic. Getty Images

in less than 80 minutes? That’s a hailstorm! For reals. To quote the double rainbow dude, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

All of  a sudden, it was hailing, Cameron Smith and Billy Slater were on the sideline (being divas? maybe), the Storm had won the game and a PROP was trying to kick goals and failing miserably, Ryan Hinchcliffe was hiding under Jeff Lima, and David Shillington was tenderly cradling Josh Miller’s injured head to protect him from the hail. It was anarchy!

Cooper Cronk totally thinks you’re soft Hinchcliffe. Just look at his face.

KODAK. MOMENT!

It was one of the best/weirdest moments of the season so far.

Stay tuned for a recap of my personal BEST moment – the Roosters vs Eels game from Saturday night. It’ll be posted soon, promise!

Thanks to Cronkster for the Shillington cap, and Lucy Pryor for the Lima cap.

Well someone from the Melbourne Storm’s just become the most popular girl in school!

But first, let’s cover the breaking news stories of the day: Firstly, the Cronulla Sharks continue to win at life. Secondly, FACEBOOK IS EVIL. Apparently the police have warned the footy community that people might steal their identitiez on the interwebs, and Penrith have even banned Facebook and Twitter. Can I just say if they want anyone to travel around with Nigel Vagana and teach the boys how to be safe on the net (BE SAFE KIDS!), they should just send us. We’ll just slap them on the hands with rulers and yell MAKE YOUR FACEBOOK PRIVATE AND DON’T ADD RANDOMS. Done and done.

Now back to the breaking up of the Melbourne Big Four.

Now it’s a given in most people’s minds that, after the whole salary cap debacle, at least one of the Melbourne Storm’s Big Four will have to leave the loving embrace of Globo Gym. It’s just maths … right?

And no, I won’t call them the ‘Fab Four’. When did we start using that phrase? It makes Cooper Cronk, Cam Smith, Billy Slater and GI sound like a reincarnation of the Fab Five on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. This is patently ridiculous, because Cam Smith can’t cut hair, and even Carson Kressley is nowhere near as fierce as Fierce Bitch Cooper Cronk.

I rest my case.

I much prefer calling them the ‘Big Four’. It makes it sound like other clubs are hunting them down for sport, like big game hunters in Africa trying to bag the big five of African animals.

What was my point? I got distracted imagining Greg Inglis with a rhinoceros horn.

Oh right, competition is heating up between the NRL clubs to sort out who gets to take Greg Inglis home. Melbourne don’t want to let him go, plus the Broncos and the Titans both want him. But bitches better watch out, because someone new has stepped into the ring.

…. me? Really? He wants me?
pic. Getty Images

Oh yes, Russell Crowe wants GI for the Souths’ backline.

“He wants him bad,” a source close to Inglis said. “I’m not sure if it will happen but Russell will do what he can to get him there.”

HOW ARE THE OTHER TEAM OWNERS MEANT TO COMPETE WITH AN OSCAR WINNER? Not only does he have blue eyes like a husky and a voice as majestic as the Snowy Mountains, he also has a country estate AND he’s friends with Snoop Dogg. And according to the Tele, Rusty is ready to ‘wine and dine’ Greg, make some conversation about books and movies, order the second most expensive wine on the menu, and order the lobster for him in a chivalrous fashion until GI gives in and signs with the Rabbitohs. And by ‘signs with the Rabbitohs’, clearly I mean ‘takes his pants off’.

GI has since denied the whole story, but …. he would, wouldn’t he? This is Russell Crowe, after all. For all we know his phone calls have caveats of silence on them, like the CIA.

And our advice to GI is to play hard to get. That way hopefully he gets more play dates with Rusty. Genius, right? That’s what we’d do, anyway. Remember Rusty’s gladiator thumb (at the game where his Rabbitohs crushed my Roosters)? That was AWESOME. Russell is pretty much our favourite human ever, which is why we always defend him vehemently against the Fire Up! boys and hope to one day be loaded enough to follow his example and own our own footy teams. If Greg plays his cards right he could live our dream of being Russell’s bestie.

And if Sam Burgess is reading – who am I kidding, he totally is – don’t worry babe! We’re sure he still cares about you, too! When he took you to that movie set last year and told you Souths needed you, and only you, he totally meant it. He really does think your accent is adorable, and that you have a great tan and a beautiful smile. He just wants the freedom to see other people as well, you know?

And on the topic of pantslessness: remember last year when the Tigers had some kind of club-wide reading group going? The one where you could totally tell that Tim Moltzen was reading Sophie Kinsella’s ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’? Good times.

Well this year, it seems like the Tigers have moved on from encouraging kids to read good, and moved onto spreading the gospel of pantslessness. Now THIS is something everyone at Errol HQ can get behind. Heh, behind. We totally support the Tigers’ efforts to end the tyranny of pants!

Nips Farah tries to start a locker-room pants off revolution ….

… and Chris Lawrence takes it to the set of the Footy Show.

We love the Tigers’ Crusade against Pants almost as much as we love the news that JAMAL HAS HIS FIRST ACTING JOB. Not only is he gonna be on the Footy Show, he’ll have a guest spot on ‘Cops’ with Gary Sweet. Congratulations, Jamal baby! Our dream of seeing Jamal remake ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’ is getting closer and closer every day.

Now why don’t you take off your pants and tell us where you think GI will end up?

Thanks to the awesome Cronkster and Smithyman for the caps!