because pants are for suckers

And they say the news is depressing.

I have to confess right now that I am a closet Todd McKenney fan. Love him. Know it’s wrong, love him all the same.

Not just because he played Nathan Starkey in Baz Luhrmann’s masterpiece Strictly Ballroom (Pam Short’s broken both her legs … and I wanna dance with you), although obvs that helps a lot. Love him because he’s a total bitch. Love his crazy jug ears. Plus he has a place in my street I think because once I walked the dog past him in my trackies while he was waiting in the street with suitcases, and he totally said ‘what a handsome dog’. HANDSOME. True story. Want me to tell it again?

Sometimes I even watch Dancing with the Stars in the vain hope that he and Sonia Kruger will do a spectacular reunion samba. (Was that going too far with the honesty?)

And now after his infamous discovery in Rushcutters Bay park, passed out on Anzac Day afternoon with ghb in his pocket – and bloodstream – Todd McKenney has said possibly the sweetest words any celebrity can say.

“They weren’t my drugs! Someone put them in my pocket when I took my pants off.”

In his statement to police he explained the whole crazy mix-up. And quite the farcical mix-up it was. See Todd – and who HASN’T done this? – got a little heated on the dance floor and took off his pants. And while his pants were circling his ankles, some misbegot stuffed ghb in his pocket. Also, in his drink.

You know it makes sense.

I can say from personal experience that at about 3am that dancefloor at Gilligan’s is a furnace. The only thing worse is the dancefloor at the Palms. If I ever wore pants I’d be ripping those bitches off too, bb. Sometimes the crotch just really needs air.

There is nothing I love more than the old pants-off explanation from a celebrity. It’s like a lunar eclipse: it only happens rarely, but when it does, god is it beautiful. Possibly the only other pants-off incident to top this is our girl Lindsay Lohan’s valiant effort last year.

Sure Lilo was off her face, climbed in an SUV, stalked her assistant in a high-speed car chase and had cocaine in her pocket. But, guys:

“THEY WEREN’T MY PANTS.”

Sure you whip off your pants, Todd, but do you pants swap? Hmm. I thought not. And that’s why I do adore you McKenney, but Lilo owns my heart.