Greetings friends! Yes I kinda sorta missed 4 days in the Chrissie blog plan. Life got in the way and has left me facing Christmas as a huge sad panda. Booooo. But to my delight, AFL has delivered a delightful Christmas present for me in the form of their wang-exposing photo scandal.

I’m a living breathing example of schadenfreude. As a code, I really dislike AFL so this whole drama is just delicious for me. And with all the Serious Litigation, the carefully worded public statements … it’s all so perfectly-organised! Bitches are like Scientologists! I’m worried I’ll start being tailed by a black SUV, my phone will be tapped and Tom Cruise and Andrew Demetriou will magically appear at my door and start issuing veiled threats.

Meanwhile there were some epic lolz provided by this guy, an AFL fan who said we are ‘everything that’s wrong with women and sport’. AWESOME. Almost as good as that time we upset cricket nerds by blogging at Cricket Australia and subsequently ‘ruined cricket’. Good times.

Now, on with the Christmas post.

On the eleventh day of Christmas

Oh Errol gave to me

Footy players trying to model (volume 2)

Now you’ve already seen and heartily loled at volume one. If you haven’t go and read that hilarious shit NOW. For today’s blog I will be demonstrating the following theory- if there’s anything funnier than footy players trying to model, it’s footy players trying to be sexy while trying to model at the same time. HELLO AWKWARD.

Let’s have a look at my favourite sub category in awkward modelling : Naked Footy Players Holding Objects In Front Of Their Crotch. Behold, the hilarity!

Nips Farah cares not for occupational health and safety laws whilst renovating his new duplex.

Tom Learoyd-Lahrs finds riding jodphurs too binding.

This is not what Sandor Earl had in mind when he joined a chain gang.

Beau Ryan shows little respect for his 2010 Best and Fairest award.

Ben Ross finds a novel use for plastic topiary.

Hot damn, don’t footy players love some pube trimming? It’s a wonder they even get time to train. Methinks the boys above will be hoping Santa delivers some whizz bang hair clippers tonight.

Well it happened, friends. Kiki’s Dragons and my Roosters clashed at the SCG. YES WE SURVIVED. It was surprisingly … civilised. Maybe the SCG just gives out those kind of vibes, because the whole thing was generally sunshiney and positive and lovely and genial. No, I’m not joking. Neither of us even got up and sang a song about scoring tries while doing an obnoxious little dance (which we usually really, really enjoy).

It also helped that there was a fucking fierce Roosters fan sitting behind us in a NSWRL-era jersey, who could perfectly imitate a rooster.

It’s hard to be depressed with a woman in a footy jersey cock-a-doodle-doing behind you. I think my mum actually has that embroidered on a teatowel.

It also helped that there was a lot to like. I cried a little tear when Kane Linnett limped from the field, but Todd Carney run the ball eased the pain. MAubs at centre for next week? Don’t mind if we do. Sure it might all go down in flames, but you can’t deny he runs beautiful lines and the bitch does have some footwork. I believe.

And lastly, it helped that some people had equally traumatic weekends:

Exhibit A: Intern John-John had to have his weekly leg-wax in public (well it was for charity)

Exhibit B: all of womanhood suffered as one when Matt Ballin’s face got injured. NOT THE FACE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Exhibit C: J.Aubs discovered that when you’re out injured for the season … you’re suddenly at the bottom of the pyramid and the boys totally make you do all the shit jobs.  eg. take over when there’s smoke burning your vulnerable little eyes. As if he doesn’t have enough problems! Stop laughing Todd Carney!

Exhibit D: Oh, Beau. That’s him trying to hail a cab after his weekend performance.

Exhibit E: The Storm lost Greg Inglis …. and their will to live.

That reminds me: in completely expected and in no way surprising signing news, Greg Inglis is a Bronco. We all know he’s a fucking bandit for a maroon jersey. Also, we totally predicted it in the latest issue of Rugby League Player (buy it. It’s ace). We also predicted GI will take his boat with him to Brissie and start a Whitsunday charter sail operation that ends in tragedy. We’re pretty much Nostradamus, or something.

Errol fave Flash Gordon is staying at Penrith,while Jeremy Smith has joined the dark side and signed to the Sharks. If nothing else, we hope he somehow manages to cheer up Anthony Tupou with his love and friendship. WHY SO SAD, TOOPS?

Apparently Steve Matai turned down the Warriors before he confirmed a deal with Manly, meaning his deal with Manly will be a whole lot less. He is a master negotiator, no? We’re 99% sure that when Manly do give him a deal it will be for a glass of water and one of Des’ used hairbrushes and he’ll fall to the ground running in circles like Homer negotiating with Burns.

And up in Brissie, the elder statesmen Darren Lockyer STILL refuses to announce his retirement, and Corey Norman is rapidly turning into Peter Costello, waiting and waiting for John Howard to retire until all of a sudden Malcolm Turnbull’s party leader and Costello is losing his hair. Sucks to be Corey.

Related question – if Darren Lockyer was a vampire, he would be the Master from Buffy, yes?

But screw signings, more importantly JAMAL IS ON TV. He’s signed is a brand new deal to get him on the Footy Show and on that cop show. You know, the one with Gary Sweet.

Well played, Channel 9. Well played. To quote Jamal “I’m not the next big thing, but I’m pretty close to it”. AMEN.

But best of all, DES HASLER MADE A FUNNY. Last night at the Harbord Diggers, George Rose and a team of players took on Dessie’s team in the “Stage of Origin” theatre sports. Just take a moment to think about that, won’t you? Dessie sticking his arms through someone’s armpits and pretending to interview a celebrity. Dessie playing ‘subtitles’. Dessie pretending to do accents.

Wow.

And on that note, I’m gonna leave you with a picture of the Roosters being adorable at a Mission Australia pre-City to Surf barbecue (shoutout to Dan!), and a link to see a shirtless George Rose rocking out at Stage of Origin. You’re welcome.

Hey, Shaun Kenny-Dowall, why so concerned about sausages?

(All game pics: Getty Images)

Welcome back, Lozzy

SUP GUYS! Remember me? It’s ok if you don’t, I mean I will beat you for it but I’m small so it won’t hurt too much.

Turns out my current job doesn’t much allow for blogging during work hours. SHOCK! HORROR! On the upside it does allow me to be on Fox Sports a lot, which means I can make emergency changes to my fantasy team/put my work comp tips in without looking dodgy. WINNER!

Hence, I’ve been out of action on Errol for almost as long as the Sharks’ losing streak *badoom tish*. Try the veal guys.

My other excuse is I’ve just been spending a lot of my spare time watching Beau Ryan’s appearances on The Footy Show, and saying things like I JUST CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S SO FUNNY and OH MY GOD THIS IS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN. Seriously, if you haven’t watched Beau Knows Benji, watch it now. Thank me later. With hot chips.

Anyway, I shall be announcing our tipping triumphs for this week.

Turns out Sassy is once again a Tipping Genius who tipped 7/8 and won the round. I KNOW RIGHT? We are all shocked and delighted. I even screengrabbed it for proof/keepsaking:

But I must point out that NO ONE in our comp managed 8/8 this week. THAT’S NO FREE WHOPPERS PEOPLE. WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE WHOPPERS?

Only 8 out of 50 correctly picked the Warriors win, and Sassy let herself down by tipping the Sharks. I’ve already made one Sharks joke, so I’m just gunna use a visual leave-behind for this one:

Our leaderboard after Round 3 looks like this:

Yep, that’s Sassy at number 1 and me at number 4. Reprezent. You may also notice there’s still only one boy in there. What is up with tippers who have a penis? You can’t let Youngie carry it all himself. TRY HARDER.

I’m thinking there might be some upsets in Round 4, so I’m gunna go out on a limb and say this leaderboard will look a bit diff next week. But we also thought Sassy would probably never win a round again, so go ahead and PROVE ME WRONG UNIVERSE. PROVE. ME. WRONG.

So happy Easter everyone, and don’t forget the Storm v Dragons game is on super early today. Something to do with AFL not being played on Good Friday or whatever, but I say it’s because Kiki is having myself and Suchy, a longtime Dragons hater, over for dinner tonight and she can’t watch the game with him around, so they just changed it for her. THANKS MELBOURNE!