Oh my GOD. I actually don’t even know where to start with this one. My head is spinning. And no that is not a result of booze – I stayed home last night thank you very much. Unfortunately this article has taken vodka’s place and caused me to vomit uncontrollably of a Sunday morn.

Right, let’s get into it:

That’s the truth about being single; it can be horrendous, only I’m not allowed to admit it. For a few months I have been leading what most anthropologists would describe as a highly unusual existence in my one-person flat, and yet prevailing 21st-century thought – the publishing industry, marketing bods keen to get their grubby paws on what’s left of my disposable income – are trying to convince me that being single is the best thing in the world that can happen to a person.

Well she got one thing right. Being single CAN be horrendous. You know what else CAN be horrendous? BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP. Surely if someone’s going to write about single life being a myth and not in fact ‘the best thing in the world that can happen to a person’, they’d try to avoid romanticising the alternative? Am I asking too much? Good grief.

Let’s move on:

Likewise, there’s a myth being perpetuated that being single is great! The loneliness, the effort, that musty smell in your flat because you spend far too much time in it, the fact that children think you’re weird – that’s all in your mind. A fabrication. You’re not bored, you just think you’re bored because being single is fabulous! There are more than 3 million single people living in Britain today – everyone’s at it, why not join in the fun? You can drink cocktails like they did in Sex and the City! You can play Nintendo into the dead of night! Absolutely nobody in the world gives a toss about you, but, never mind, you’ve won the lottery of life.

SO THAT’S WHAT THAT SMELL IS. The musty aroma of my failure as a human being. Honey, if it’s true that nobody in the world gives a toss about you (I sure hope her family don’t read her column. Talk about a slap in the face), perhaps it’s because YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE? Also why does she care that children think she’s weird? Damn those 5 year olds and their opinions! They really know how to put tears on my pillow.

Connected to this syndrome is another unacknowledged truth: that a lot of single people are mad. Some of them are single because they are mad. They tack uplifting quotes to their bedroom walls; they try to lure the attached away from their beloved with promises of a fabulous new life in which no one ever need share a tube of toothpaste again. They begin to excel in those activities that are traditionally dominated by the singleton culture, stalking and conspiracy theorising. But most of them are mad because they’re being driven insane by the pressure to be ecstatic about being single. Under the cover of normality they’re sectionable, trying to justify why they want to be alone so much. To this end they forensically inspect the relationships of their friends. “A lot of people are with the wrong people for the wrong reasons,” is their mantra and sincere hope. They gullibly fall for the claims of their friends with children who tell them how lucky they are to have nothing to do at the weekends. “How I envy you!” new mothers will tell their single friends. It’s an exercise in self-pity, of course. If in doubt, ask them to swap your life with theirs and watch them clutch their children.

A;klsjd;flaksjfd;laskjfd;askl CANNOT COMPUTE. SYSTEM FAILURE. ABORT ABORT ABORT.

Thank god for Intern Brownie and his smelling salts. At ease dear Brownie, I’m fine now.

The entire article is just another way of putting all women in neat little boxes where we all want the same thing, feel the same way, are stupid and gullible and constantly lying to ourselves. I’m sure the writer’s feelings are genuine and I don’t at all think it’s wrong or weak to long for a relationship, but why does saying that have to mean that being single is inherently shit? Anyone who is seriously sitting at home wallowing in self-pity, belittling and shaking their head at single women who choose to oh you know, have FUN, might just have some issues that won’t be solved by finding The One.

I know if she were to stumble across this post she’d be all “zomg see, we’re not allowed to say anything bad about being single! brainwashed!”. No. Being single is awful and lonely sometimes, that’s true. My problem is with not acknowledging that it can also be great and insinuating that it’s impossible to genuinely enjoy life without a partner, and if you are you’re just kidding yourself. It’s all such a limited and negative way of thinking about women (and as I said earlier, her arguments revolve solely around women and the various cliches attached to having a vagina) and relationships, and only reinforces those ideas that we’re all just crazy potential stalkers until we’re rescued by The One. Bitch please.

Edit: I think Sassy’s thoughtz from the comments deserve to be included here:

all those nights I went out and MET boys, when the single rules say I should have been sitting home wallowing in my own stink and making creepy cross-stitch love letters to send to the guy who lives in the flat opposite.

because THAT’S WHAT SINGLE PEOPLE DO.

Can we talk about this 90210 ‘spinoff’? Awesome, thanks.

First of all, didn’t we already have ‘the 90210 of the new millennium’ that revolved around rich kids in California and a fish out of water scenario? It was called The OC, and it was shit. Second, how dare they try to recreate the sheer brilliance that was the original 90210? YOU JUST CAN’T DO THAT. I admit I’m pretty harsh on remakes and spinoffs but sometimes they’re not so bad – I’m a huge Degrassi fan and don’t mind The Next Generation, especially since it has some of the old cast in it including Joey Jeremiah and Caitlin ‘you were fucking Tessa Campanelli’ Ryan who totally got it on as adults. But this is not on. NOT ON.

Let’s look at the promo that’s just been released. “Cooler, sexier, more provocative”. REALLY? Do they not know that the very act of calling themselves ‘cool’ makes them deeply uncool? It’s like the Hanson of television. I also love that they’ve cast one of the most excruciatingly painful characters from Nip/Tuck (and that’s a huge call, for those of you who know your Nip/Tuck) – the girl with the curly hair who looks like she might have some sort of…syndrome. Nice to see she’s playing the ‘spoilt popular girl’. Girl has RANGE. She’s “a lot of fun”, apparently, which basically means she Gets Around ifyouknowwhatimean. Hang on, wait. One of the characters is named NAVID. Pronounced na-veed (or possible na-vee? Which is even better), which I will take great joy in pronouncing as nay-vid. Speaking of, apparently there is/was a guy on Home and Away named David who pronounced it Dar-vid. Bitch please, it’s Dayvid.

We also have a QUIRKY GIRL named Silver. We know she’s quirky because she’s named from the colour wheel and WEARS A SCARF ON HER HEAD! Craaaaazy. There’s also a young male teacher who ‘indentifies with the students’. Anyone who’s watched teen drama before knows a teacher who ‘identifies with the students’ is a teacher who ‘plays I’ll touch yours if you touch mine with the students’. And I think this quote from ONTD sums up the black dude

OMG this takes the alibi black kid to a whole new level XD. The only way he can be in Beverly Hills is through adoption. WTF?

They’ve also cast Aunt Becky from Full House and the amazing Jessica Walter who SHOULDN’T BE REDUCED TO THIS SHIT. ughhhhhh.

Anyway, I don’t think this monstrosity deserves any more of my blogging time. But I feel like I can’t leave without a screencap of one of the cool, sexy and provocative stars of The New 90210:

Says it all really.