12 

a little dose of monday awkward

June 21st, 2010

Never read Errol before? Then you might not realise that we often find ourselves in awkward situations. Like the time we had to interview John Cartwright in a food court outside MacDonalds.

Or the time I had to go out on the field at Leichhardt Oval after a NSW Cup game to interview the players. Instead of walking around to the big gate, I decided to just step over the little fence in front of the Grandstand …. and got stuck on it. Literally. Right leg on the field, left leg in the stands, and the crotch of my opaque tights snagged on a curl of wire on the top of the fence. Have you ever tried to unsnag the crotch of a pair of tights from a mini-hurricane fence in front of two NSW Cup teams, while holding a giant video camera bag in one hand and a tripod in the other? It was … elegant.

Apparently we have some kind of embarassing NSW cup reggies mojo going on at Leichhardt Oval in particular cause it keeps getting Kiki too. When the Tigers played Wests she tripped over her thong running to get an interview and fell face-first onto the concrete walkway in front of a terrified and aghast Robbie Farah.

When the Tigers played the Central Coast Centurions she found herself standing in line at the kiosk window waiting for a snack. All of a sudden she realised – and if you know Kiki you’ll know that this made her really, really happy – that there were cheesedogs on the menu.

If Tim Sheens is reading this it must be like looking in a mirror.

CHEESEDOGS!

She exclaimed with joy, just as the man at the front of the queue turned around to leave and came face to face with her.

You know that moment when a person turns around and you realise you recognise them, so say “Hi! [Insert name here]! It’s you!”  Well, it was just like that.

Except that the man, friends, wasn’t a friend of ours. It was Tim Sheens. And, well, we’ve never met Tim Sheens. Also, Tim Sheens is generally known as either Tim Sheens, or ‘Sheensy’, no? And no, she didn’t say ‘SHEENSY’. Instead she literally yelled CHEESEDOGS in Tim Sheens’ face. He looked mortified. It was mortifying. And now, forevermore, we will call him Tim “Cheesedogs” Sheens.


… nyello, Cheesedogs speaking?
Pic. Getty Images

And now we have a new Special Moment to add to the Big Book of Errol Awkward: the time Sassy sms-ed Ryan Girdler. Remember Girds? The Penrith champion, ladies’ fave, former tv star and generally super-nice human being? the boys at Rugby League Player mag kindly let us do an interview with him for the next issue, knowing that we think he’s talented/lovely/interesting etc. We couldn’t get him on the phone to begin with, so I saved his number to try again.


Pic. Getty Images

That weekend, a good friend hit a bit of a rough spot: the kind that needs cocktails and hugs and other things of that nature. So I wrote a message that I’m 99% sure said:

“Hi babe, obviously I’m a bit out of the loop, but sending you all my love darlin xx s”

THEN I SENT IT TO RYAN GIRDLER. KILL ME NOW. At least I didn’t realise for like five days so I had five days of blissful ignorance. Why am I so embarassing?

Even Mitchell Pearce, the Patron Saint of Looking Awkward in Photos, doesn’t have any answers.
Pic. Getty Images

But anyway, let’s talk about footy and how it totally soothed the pain of being a really embarassing human.

My chookies were playing the bye this week (it was a close finish, but they kicked its ass) so I could watch the games without stressing and goddamn they were good. Not good if you are a fan of: ball control, defence, good refereeing, or the Sharks, but good for me.

Dragons vs Sharks, Sea Eagles vs Rabbitohs, Tigers vs Raiders: three of the most exciting games I’ve watched this year.

And apparently for the Tigers it was one of the best games to play all year, because Nips Farah got so excited he actually ran to the crowd for high-fives. NIPS TOUCHED PEOPLE! He never touches people! It’s proof that even after your team murders eight tries in eighty minutes, miracles can still happen at the Lilyfield Rectangle.

Special love from that game goes to Chris Heighington, for being a beast and playing like one; to Nips, for bein’ Nips; and to Jarrod Croker and Joel Thompson for representing for the baby Raiders.

Whee! I helped!

Pic. Getty Images

Footy also helped because, as always, awkward shit happened. Awkward and hilarious shit, mainly thanks to Jason ‘Flossy’ Nightingale. Not only did he get completely outraged after a Sharks player tackled him off the field and kneed him in the buttock, he then scored one of the top ten most hilarious tries in history. Trapped between two Sharks, he looked around shiftily, bit his lip, reached out his arm like he was trying to stealthily steal something from a museum, and gently puffed the ball onto the line. It was pure Flossy magic. We rewound it and rewatched it four times.


…. Yoink!


Did I do good?

Screencaps thanks to the awesomeness that is Australia Votes.

Happy Monday, kids!

17 

oh errol fantasy league: round 10

May 19th, 2009

We’re in the midst of a Very Important fortnight in the world of fantasy league, with both our teams going head to head with Suchy’s team Naiqama’s Driver. I mean in different rounds obvs, not like the Wildcats and the Hotties have come together to form an Oh Errol Supergroup. Like The Young Divas!

This is serious bizness, since part of the reason we’re all up in fantasy league is to psych out our guy friends and/or beat them. That’s the second time I’ve referenced A League of Their Own on Errol by the way. I can’t wait for the day I have reason to use ‘You look like a penis with a little hat on’ and make it three. Make it happen, Darren Lockyer!

Suchy in particular takes his fantasy league/beating Errol teams so seriously that whilst at the gym on Friday evening, he realised he’d forgotten to make a trade and stopped in the middle of his workout to go home and sort it out. AMAZING. This is the kind of dedication we’re up against. I’d like to say we’d do the same thing, but we would never be at the gym in the first place.

THE WILDCATS

Ok, I normally don’t look after the business end of the Wildcats. Why? Because there’s a few players I don’t know/can never remember. SHUT UP. I am much more comfortable with the Hotties, but this week I did do some rearranging of the Wildcats. While trying to make room for Hot Bitch Cooper’s longawaited return, I got confused and ditched Kevin Gordon, who Sassy had just given a massive wrap to. I’M SORRY KEVIN. I FORGOT WHO YOU WERE. I am an idiot.

The Wildcats only managed 825 points. Suchy beat us by like, 160. DAMMIT.

Captain T.Camps gave us 46 points (and that’s double points for captains. Lucky for Tez I just can’t get mad at him), and ex-captain Robbie Farah scored an amazing 108. Though you wouldn’t know it looking at the post-game pics:

Guys? Herro? Is this coz I was shit at being a captain? THAT WAS ONE TIME.

Unfortunately we left Josh Dugan and Love Shack in the team,  both of whom were not actually playing. Oops.

THE HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS

THIS IS SO EXCITING YOU GUYS. Our Hotties have once again performed better than the Wildcats AND beaten their opponents. They also beat their personal best by more than 60 pts, coming in at 905. Oh, you pretty things.

After seeing That Photo of Chris Heighington I decided he just HAD to be in the Hotties, but trying to shuffle things around enough to afford him (he is so spensy!) proved difficult. So difficult that I had to get out the calculator to figure it out. MATHS IS REALLY HARD. Anyway I ended up ditching Saffy and Beau Ryan, but I feel it was worth it in the end thanks to Hino’s awesome 82 points. Bitch really knows how to make an impression.

Luke O’Donnell continues to impress whenever he’s NOT our captain, with a whopping 116 points. It’s such a shame he’s bad at leadership. Errol favourite Davey Williams is finally back on his game too with 74 points. YAY DAVE!

The Hotties went head to head with the HaberfieldSteelers and beat them by just under 40 points, weee! We are so so proud of them. We might even let them celebrate with an ice cream. Matt Ballin will tell us he’s lactose intolerant, but we know he just doesn’t want the calories. EAT YOUR DAMN ICE CREAM MATT. You can do 50 laps of Errol HQ afterwards. Thatta boy.

JADEWATCH

Let’s find out how the Tiny Dancers did this week shall we?

This week I decided to try a new technique with the boys, a lil bit of reverse psychology if you will. I totes didnt talk to them all week so they knew I was peeved at their previous sucky efforts. I didn’t even change their positions from last week so they knew I was REAL PISSED.

WELL. Methinks they had a private team meeting and decided they just HAD to win back my love, or prove they could be good without me. Either way they were keen to impress… and it worked. Folau had marvellous round scoring 116 points! Go Izzy! In total the boys managed a delicious 949. GO YOU TINY DANCERS! Let’s hope next week we can get back up past the 1000 mark.

Next week it’s the Hotties up against Naiqama’s Driver, and we will never ever stop laughing if the Hotties win. Well we might stop to do the forks a few times, but other than that…

20 

an orange wrap up: country vs city

May 17th, 2009

lk

OKAY. HI!

We have been rather crap at posting regularly huh? Sorry, my darlings. I know you rely on us for your footy lolz. And the lack of blogging has turned some bitches crazy. I swear we found a fan outside the office the other day, clad in a soaking wet tee, screaming ERRRROLLLLLL. Totally channelling Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire.

(You love our pop culture references don’t you kids? Everyone does. Don’t ever challenge us to a game of Trivial Pursuit, we will whip yo ASS.)

lk

So anyway, we are home from Orange. And we are straight up sad about it. We fell in love with that pretty lil town and it’s residents. We only spent a week there, but with it’s autumn coloured gorgeousness (and its amazing pubs), Orange totally stole our hearts. Damn you, Sydney, and your lack of deciduous trees!

Let’s wrap up the Country v City game shall we? (Notice this year it was officially changed to have Country first. And we like it). There was alot of talk from arrogant Sydney journalists that the game was a non event and no one would turn up to watch it. Well … they were wrong. FUCKERS! HAH!

lkm

Yes that’s right kids, the people of the Central West turned out big time. Wade Park was not only packed to capacity (that’s over 8000 people), but ppls had to be turned away at the gate. May I take this opportunity to remind you all that we ensured this would happen during our appearance on 105.9 Star FM the morning of the game. Yes, we were right and the mainstream media was wrong. NOT THE FIRST TIME. NOR THE LAST. *karate chop*

So we love the Country team so much we even … gulp … wore maroon. In public. I felt dirty but I did it for the boys. Best thing about footy at Wade Park? The amaaaazing sausage sizzle tent manned by volunteers (a whole tent of snags! hello heaven!) and the mobile TAB in a caravan. We actually put bets on while eating our sausage sandwiches. Hello Kiki + Sassy nirvana!

lk

Well, our boys lost. It was shit. Everyone in the Country camp, including us, was pretty shocked at the scoreline. Looking at it on the scoreboard just didn’t feel at all like it should after watching the game (the first 60 minutes at least). Boo hiss booo etc etc.

But the strangest thing was just the experience of being in a country crowd to watch league. You see, we are … what’s the word? Loudmouths. That’s it. And we’re used to sitting in stadiums full of other loudmouths shoving in pies and screaming support/abuse/jokes at the game going on in front of us. Country crowds – because apparently they are usually this way – are intense.

Instead of multitasking like us city folk (blame TV for our poor attention spans) their focus is completely on the game. It makes for a really compelling experience huddling together in the cold, watching the game with 8000 people who are totally absorbed in the footy in almost a hush. Overwhelming, even.

It also means that when we yelled out for the awesome Alan Tongue and his try, his wife turned around to see where the noise was coming from and gave us a ‘… I know right? My mans is awesome’ nod of understanding. DON’T GET THAT IN THE CITY, DO YA?

lk

Special shout out to 18th man Chris Heighington (fuck that name is hard to spell, I totes had to Google), who was both gracious and unintentionally hilarious while performing his dutiez. He had to warm up with the team in uniform … then take it off once they were done and it became obvious that no one was incapacitated during their hamstring stretches and unable to play.

He also may or may not have been forgotten in the seating plan and, well, he didn’t have a seat. He spent the whole game aimlessly wandering about the stands, up stairs, down stairs, eyes searching for something he never found. IT WAS SO SAD.

Looking back, I should have offered him my lap to sit in … right?

And worst of all … Chris was forced to do manual labour. Poor bitch had to do the heavy lifting. As you can see above, he was in charge of carrying he Eskies into the stadium. I for one am outraged. Just because he’s large, strong and hardworking doesn’t make him a bloody Clydesdale! This is even worse than Shillo being made to lug around giant chains during his Gods of Football shoot.

Anyways, we totally yelled things like BOOOOO CITY BOOOOO and DAMN YOU DAVID, then unsuprisingly went out and got drunkety drunk drunk to soothe the pain of the loss. Luckily Orange has quite the raging and hilarious nightlife to keep a girl entertained.

To finish off, I would like to make a list of Things We Learnt During Country Week (These are real lessons, not ones that happened in our heads. I swear.) Here we go.

* T.Camps has excellent taste in music. He loves Dolly Parton, Jimmy Barnes, Diesel and John Farnham. He should totally go on tour as DJ T.CAMPS. We would be all over that shit.

* As you can see from above, Chris Heighington enjoys very tight t-shirts. Whether or not this is because he can’t find t-shirts in size Clydesdale or he has an obsession with his clothes dryer, we can’t tell you. We can tell you, however, that thanks to a) the tight shirts and b) the fact he is super charming and generally lovely, resulted in him being the Ladies Choice of the week. Hey little girl with the cash to burrrrrrn. Oh, Heighno. (Ps how good is that Polaroid? My photographic skillz are unsurpassed)

* According to someone in camp, the Dragons are ‘no fun’. My response? GOOD! I DON’T WANT THEM TO BE FUN! I want them to win godamnit!

* Joel Monaghan (or ‘former Kangaroo Joel MONNAGGAN’ according to the announcer at Wade Park. lololol) is probably the funniest guy we have ever met. Not just in the NRL, but in life. We all decided that when he retires we will launch a radio show. Kiki, Sassy + Monas? Can’t you just see our heads on the back of a bus? Imagine all the endless ranga jokes! I can’t wait.

* Laurie Daley is an amazing human. Just … amazing. He gave me a birthday hug and it was one of the Top 5 moments of my life. And by ‘gave me’ I mean I wrapped my arms around his neck and drunkenly yelled LOZ IT’S MY BIRFDAAAAAY and he didn’t recoil in horror. Oh Laurie, why you so nice?

[Laurie using the phrase 'sweet as a nut' during commentary last year is one of the reasons I started loving footy. I just found out last night (Sassy swears she texted me when it happened, but I never received it *shakes fist at technologiez*) that he SAYS IT IN PERSON TOO. Oh Laurie. - Lozzy]

* Gordie Tallis is a huge fan of The Simpsons. He gave an excellent birthday rendition of Kiki, her teeth are big and greeeeen. Kiki, she smells like gasooolinnnneeee. Also, Flo Rida.

* Blocker Roach is a big believer in pheremones. He also gives truly brilliant inspirational speeches. Goosebump-worthy.

* Do not stare at Luke O’Donnell as if he can’t see you. He is not a photo on the internet, he is an actual person. He actually caught me with my lustful tongue hanging out of my mouth. Damnit.

* Dave Williams + TAB = loveerrrrs

* Ronnie Palmer (the ridiculously awes Roosters + City trainer who looks like The Cougar) enjoys headshrinking Sassy about her love life over a beer. Also, he likes to wear cashmere.

* John Cartwright is very tolerant of us. Even when we drunkenly run across the room and yell CARTTTTYYYYY. He is also a front runner for our Sexiest Coach in the NRL Award for 2009. We told him this and he seemed quite pleased.

Lastly, we want to sincerely thank Terry, Bert, Jess, Lauren and Kate at the CRL. We love you guys!! Huge thanks to the incredibly gracious Peter Mortimer (father of DanDan!) for being so open and encouraging. Our morning at your winery was truly special and one of the best moments of our trip (hope we can get that article published soon!). Thankyou to Gary who organised most of our week and hooked us up with everyone, absolute legend. Thanks to the Hawks for being so welcoming and generally adorable (the post on them is coming this week too). And thankyou to Orange!