37 

introducing : the great oh errol fantasy experiment of 2010

March 10th, 2010

Yes people, it’s that time again. It’s time for us to up our nerd factor even higher. Because having a blog about rugby league, tweeting live during at least 4 games every weekend and being active members of a footy internet forum just isn’t enough. Nope. What we really need is……FANTASY LEAGUE! NYEEEEH! GLAVEN!

Even nerdier is the fact we cannot just have any old fantasy teams. Oh no. We MUST have a reason for participating. Specifically, a scientific reason. Last year we wanted to know whether the bigger advantage is being really really good looking, or being a generally nice human being. In the end, niceness won out.

This year, we are embarking on a new, even more genius experiment. This years experiment comes directly from the incredible super awesomeness that is Kiki’s brain. Kiki is what one would call ‘an ideas woman’. Like most geniuses, she has trouble with every day living. Examples:

– she’s had the same bank account since Year 4 because she can’t figure out how to change banks.

– one time she, along with her mother and grandma, rocked up the Gold Coast airport to fly home, only to be told by the mean Qantas lady that she had in fact booked flights home from the SUNSHINE COAST.

– her whole time at Uni she could never figure out how to use the library and often took her mum with her so she could borrow books for assignments.


Kiki likes her juice in box form.

But none of this embarassment matters, because her brain came up with the following.

“SASSY OMG I HAVE THE BEST IDEA! What about you have a team with all the naughty boys in footy, called Sassy’s Second Chances? And then I have one with all the good boys called Kiki’s Lil Angels and we can MAKE THEM PLAY AGAINST EACH OTHER. TO SEE WHO WILL WIN IN THE END!!!”

What’s that you say? Adrian Proszenko had a similar idea about having a fantasy team filled with league’s bad boys? Oh, we know. We also know that he published that article a good WEEK after we committed to our experiment. We are 76% sure he has ripped us off directly, as we got drunk after the All Stars game and told pretty much everyone in rugby league, including journos, about our Awesome Experiment. If his next article includes something about Jamal Idris starring in Citizen Kane, our suspicions will be confirmed. We are watching you Proszenko.

Now, on with the show.

Coach : Kiki
Captain : Robbie ‘Nips’ Farah
Criteria for selection: players must be well known good boys, church goers, generally adorable, make us wanna squish their little faces, or just have managed to play for years and never got into any nasty business.
Why we’re doing it : to see if having a peaceful off field life contributes to on field sucess. Also, so we can photoshop Brett Morris’s head onto a creepy cartoon of a boy angel.

INTRODUUUUUCING! The Lil Angels :

As you can see, Kiki lost her inspiration (and money) by the time she got to the bench and ended up picking players that cost a certain amount and haven’t publicly messed up. CLUTCHING….STRAWS….ETC.

[Please note the overwhelming amount of my beloved Dragons in there. There woulda been more but the rules say I can only have four. DISCRIMINATION. It’s not my fault I follow a team filled to the brim with good boys. Geez – Kiki]


Coach : Sassy
Captain : Paul Gallen
Criteria for selection : have been involved in at least one public scandal, ranging from criminal charges to pissing in the streets.
Why we’re doing it: to see if being a mischievous drunk does actually affect your footy. Also, because if rugby league is about anything it’s about second chances. Rugby league : because everyone makes mistakes.

BEHOLD! The Second Chances :

The best thing about the Second Chances is that a man called ‘Bronx GOLDWIN’ is on the bench. Everyone loves a mysterious Jewish winger!

[you may also notice that my team has a strong Rooster contingent and PRETTY MUCH THE ENTIRE AUSTRALIAN BACK ROW. Awesome. – Sassy]

And now all we need is the season to start and the experiment will have begun. If you want to join our league, as many awesome people already have, go HERE . Our league number is – 18923-2717.

7 

erroltips winners board + fantasy league: round 16

July 1st, 2009

Round 16 already!? Really? Time flies when you’re having fun! Unless you’re a Roosters fan, in which case I imagine time goes pretty slowly when you’re watching your team make their way to the bottom of the ladder. SORRY SASSY. BUT IT’S TRUE RIGHT?

This week we’re going for the double-headed news update again, because things that come in pairs are awesome. Like boobs, or the Morris twins.

pic: Simon Alekna

ERROLTIPS WINNERS BOARD

We haven’t updated you all on our tipping leaderboard for a little while, and it appears that during the break things have actually shifted a bit. There is…wait for it…ONLY ONE DIRTY QUEENSLANDER IN THE TOP 4! Some terrible rounds have bumped Bec, Bree and Baz right outta there (I mean, sorry to hear that guys *shifty*).

Unfortunately at this stage I have no idea who our leader actually is. I think it might be Pete ‘hatecushion’ Murrell’s brother though. Just quietly I think I’d rather one of our regular QLDers to be topping the ladder.

1. Stendec

2. southsydneyrussellcrowes

3. Spinner Howland of Jacksonville Axemen fame

4. Vitlin

As far as Errol HQ tipping goes, Kizzy and I are now sitting on top of each other (tee hee) at positions 14 and 15, Sassy is almost cracking the Top 20 at 25 (and that’s a pretty good effort considering she forgot to put her tips in at least twice), and Marlo (also this week’s winner) has almost made the Top 10 at number 11.

FANTASY LEAGUE

So we still had two byes this week but our teams weren’t looking quite as dire as the week before. Yay for not having many Sea Eagles or Panthers. Speaking of…Wade Graham if you’re reading this and wondering why you aren’t in EITHER of our teams, well it’s because we just can’t fit you anywhere! I’d make a rude joke here but you’re too young. Ask me next year.

The Oh Errol Wildcats

Break out the champagne bitches! The Wildcats have had their best week ever with a whopping 1054 points. Highest score in the league as well! CHAMPIONS! We knew they had it in em.

The Wildcats lineup was so good we didn’t even have to bring in any new recruits this week. Our best performer was Nathan ‘Hindy’ Hindmarsh who gave us a massive 114 points. 114!! It’s a shame we didn’t make him captain and score double, but actual Wildcats captain Benny Creagh did pretty well himself with 78. ALL THE WAY WITH BENNY CREAGH!

But our real shining star is DanDan Mortimer who once again had a stellar week in first-grade AND for the Wildcats. 67 points yaaaay! He really was worth our outrage at his non-inclusion in the fantasy player selection/Sassy’s trip down to the Tele.

pic: Steve Christo

The Hottie McHotHots

Not a great week for the Hotties. 751 points. WHAT WENT WRONG BOYS? We were only missing one player, Matt Ballin – well two players if you count his arse as it’s own person, which I think we should – and all our usual greats such as Tiny Dancer Soward, Hot Bitch Coops and T.Camps were there. Yet not even over 800 points? I am baffled. BAFFLED.

In happier news, Round 14 addition Kevin Gordon is clearly settling in nicely with the Hotties with 64 points, which was also the second highest score in the team. GO KEVVY GO! Personally I think the Tele should change the points system to include an extra 5 every time Kevin smiles. I should email them.

pic: The Sunday Mail

But aside from their less than perfect score, we’re pretty god damn proud of the Hotties. As predicted last week, our gorgeous boys DID beat their opponents The Special Kids. SUCK IT PETE *forks*

And I’m sure next week we’ll be saying the same thing next round when the Wildcats beat him. LET’S MAKE IT TWO IN A ROW BOYS!

10 

oh errol fantasy league: round 13

June 10th, 2009

Obviously here at Errol we really love our fantasy league. Personally though, I can never just like something a lot – I have to be a kind of obsessed with it. TV shows (Arrested Development, Friday Night Lights), celebs (Taylor Hanson, Will Arnett), food (I still can’t eat Nacho Cheese Doritos after being addicted to them in Year 9)…

…and right now I’m obsessed with fantasy league.

Might as well face it…

How do I know? Two things:

a) on Saturday morning I was dreaming that new Wildcats recruit DanDan Mortimer scored really really well, and I’m fairly sure I woke myself up because I was so excited I was talking in my sleep. I remember sitting up and talking to myself in bed about DanDan’s score. I WOKE MYSELF UP TALKING ABOUT FANTASY LEAGUE. Why am I single?

b) on Sunday night I came home at 1am after watching an Islander cover band do such classics as Kiss by Prince and Will Smith’s heartfelt classic Gettin Jiggy Wit It, drunk dialled Suchy and whipped out Kiki’s compy to check our fantasy scorez.

Oh, me.

THE WILDCATS

The Wildcats scored over 1000 again!! In fact their score this week is the second highest in the comp with 1030. Unfortunately they didn’t beat their opponents, The Johnny Rapers, but we’re super proud of them anyway.

On a slightly freaky sidenote, the  High School Musical 3 opening number ‘Now or Never’ just came on my mp3 player. It has cheerleaders going “WILDCATS…we’re the champions…gunna win!”. YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT! Writing about our Wildcats while listening to A SONG about Wildcats. CREEPY. And yes you are correct, my life is awesome.

Turns out my dream was right. DAN MORTIMER REALLY DID SCORE WELL! 67 points. I am pretty much The Fantasy League Whisperer. I might get that on a tshirt.

Other notes: Robbie Farah has apparently come to terms with Wildcat leadership with 176 points, Hornbag is clearly beside himself with joy at being re-introduced to the team and scored 70 points, and Dean Young produced his best fantasy score to date with 81. Even when the Dragons lose it pays off having so many in the team. THANKS BABIES!

THE HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS

This week the Hotties were up against The Poodles. I’m glad I decided against adding my own personal fantasy team, The Hedgehogs (now defunct), to the Tele comp. There’s no way I could go up against the Hotties OR the Wildcats.

Anyway the Hotties beat the Poodles 878 to 696. YAAY HOTTIES! Not their best score ever, but quite respectable.

This round’s standout star is most definitely our beloved Intern John John who scored a magnificent 90 POINTS! Unfortunately the same can’t be said for his brother Davey, who scored a try (props to Sunday Roast and WIN news for that shot of the full moon btw. GET IT, COZ HE’S THE WOLFMAN) and still only brought in 30. Tries are 15 points, so basically he did shit all for the rest of the game.

James McManus…welcome to the Hotties. AND THANKS FOR NOT PLAYING THIS WEEK. God dammit. I had to ditch Robbo to make room for him too.

BUT I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GUYS?! I’m wearing shorty shorts and everything!

pic: simon dean

JADEWATCH

Let’s see how the Tiny Dancers are doing. Hopefully better than Jamie ‘Tiny Dancer’ Soward, who we were very worried about when he was knocked out on Monday night.

Not a great week for the Tiny Dancers, must’ve been the swine flu in the air. My excellent coaching skillz meant not only did I have a captain who wasn’t playing, but no vice either. I am awesome. I probably should’ve taken Dell off the bench, then his 72 points would’ve contributed, instead I had Joel Moon’s zinc nipples score 11. All in all it was my not-so-supercoach efforts that led the boys to a measly 627. Better luck next week.

So…not much better off than Sowie then. Boo.

14 

footy observations: it's swine flu, bitch

June 9th, 2009

You knew we were gonna say it … didn’t you?  After our lengthy discussion last week about whether Queenslanders have trotters instead of feet (they totally do) we finally have proof. Proof in the form of Queenslander Ben Hannant and his positive test for Swine Flu.

WE KNEW IT. WE LOVE BEING RIGHT.

So in the interests of protecting the non-porcine members of the NRL, all the Queensland Origin boys are being quarantined from their regular teammates. No more eating at the same trough, sleeping in the same barn and rolling in the same mud. Instead it’s all face-masks and Tamiflu for the maroons this week.


The NSWRL consider redesigning the Blues’ State of Origin uniforms.

And I would like to take this opportunity to say: You bastards! Usually it’s my favourite thing of all when embarassing things happen to Queenslanders .. but today I found out the adorable Bert from Country Rugby League has been quarantined. THOSE FILTHY QUEENSLANDERS INFECTED NSW TOO! Is this some kind of Queensland sabotage scheme to help them win a fourth Origin series? We always knew all bad things came out of Queensland.

Meanwhile we are bloggers (ie we have no lives) so if Bert gets lonely he should just call us and we’ll come over with movies and braid his hair and entertain him. We can wear SARS masks in our NRL team colours and everything. We love you, Bert!


Bert works remotely from his Swine Flu bubble.

I’ll admit though, I am starting to feel a little bit sorry for Ben Hannant. First he gets publically outed with the runs, now he’s the NRL’s first Swine Flu casualty. Either there’s someone out there with a Ben Hannant voodoo doll and a really black sense of humour, or he played some really embarassing practical jokes on the other kids in primary school and has some violent humiliation karma stored up in the universe.


Ben Hannant gets increasingly lonely and desperate for friends in quarantine.

If I wasn’t scared of a) getting Swine Flu, and b) getting poked in the eye by one of his trotters, I would totally offer to give him a hug.

This story would also be a whole lot funnier if I wasn’t writing this …. from Queensland. We came up for a little long weekend Errol conference on the Gold Coast, and to see the Titans play the Dragons on Monday night, now we find ourselves in the middle of a fucking rugby league Swine Flu drama. Nothing worse than trying to deal with Swine Flu on a hangover. Right, Robbie Farah?

Lucky for all of us Israel Folau and Sam Thaiday have been holding jumpers over their faces while they walk around being filmed by the press. That’ll save us! Nothing stops disease like a knitted acrylic!

At least the Broncos tried. Apparently no one at the Dragons remembered to tell Darius ‘Astro’ Boyd that he is a Swine Flu pariah and wasn’t meant to be wandering around in the locker room at Skilled Stadium before the Dragons played the Titans.

 

And yes, that is Astro Boyd loitering in front of a bottle recycling bin, even though he is quite clearly not holding anything even close to a bottle. It’s possible this is because he is poorly informed about recycling, and just doesn’t understand what yellow lids mean. But I am 99% sure it was because he was ronery and just really wanted someone to talk to since the rest of the Dragons keep ignoring him cause he never passes the ball. I guess that’s a good thing, cause it means they probably won’t be infected. Kiki says thanks for being a ball-hog, Darius. V. considerate of you.

Turns out that one good thing about sucking as much as my Roosters do this season is that when you have no players selected for Origin, you get to stay safe from disease. We is healthy, healthy losers. I’m sorry, what did you say? Did you say I am clutching desperately at straws to distract myself from the fact that my team is now at the bottom of the ladder?


Pic. Anthony Johnson / smh.com.au

Well spotted, cause I was. On Sunday night when I was getting my face on for a night on the town in Surfers, Lozzy and Kiki kindly got me out of the shower and into the hall just so they could tell me that the Sharks had won a game … and my team was officially coming last. I literally lay down in the hall in my towel motionless for a good five minutes. Being better than the Sharks was all I had!

To make up for their two wins in a row, though, the Sharks Club mustered up another scandal involving Tony Zappia and his resignation. Well done, Sharkies. David Gallop says the NRL are gonna leave them to their own devices and won’t have an intervention. I say that’s a wasted opportunity.

Have you ever seen Intervention? That show is AMAZING. It’s the most addictive television I’ve ever seen. You know it’s wrong but you just can’t help watching. One time I even cried. If I was in charge I’d totally be holding a Sharks intervention. They could hold it in the Shire and televise it to raise enough money to pay off the Sharks’ ridiculous debt. People love watching other people who have worse problems than they do. It would be a ratings blockbuster. Sigh.

l

Meanwhile since Brett Finch left the Eels to go to the Storm, it seems like it’s partytime all around. The Eels now have Daniel (Son of Pete) Mortimer and Jeff Robson in the halves and flattened the Knights at home. Turns out Dan Dan Mortimer doesn’t just have the prettiest eyes in league, he also has a fucking nifty kicking game.

And my favourite double-double-named NRL player Fui Fui Moi Moi has taken over from Steve Matai as Ray Warren’s fave hairstyle in the NRL. Rabs never talks about his man Matai’s cornrows anymore … it’s all Fui Fui and his braids. He thinks, and I quote: “It’s a celebration!” And according to the Queensland Channel 9 sports reporter, his ‘hair tips’ match his jersey. HAIR TIPS? Like … a big book of hair tips? God Queenslanders are so weird.


Pic. Darren Pateman

I think it makes him look youthful … no?

And down in Melbourne Finch is working it Johnathan Thurston style:

…. it’s Brett Finch, BITCH.

No wonder he’s so happy. He’s obviously in the honeymoon stages of a Cooper Cronk bromance. Peeing together in the street, and rocking out shirtless in the locker room together. The Melby dressing room is starting to look like Arq (aka shirtless heaven) … so I totally get it. I have had some damn good nights out at Arq in my time.

In my mind they’re dancing to Kelly Rowland and the Cher megamix.

*discos out of the post*

Thanks as always to BS for the fabulous screen caps. Love you!

5 

oh errol fantasy league: round 11

May 26th, 2009

God, this round’s results are creating an emotional tug of war. THERE’S NO EMOTICON FOR WHAT I’M FEELING. It’s like immense joy and warmth mixed with a hint of disappointment in myself. Kind of like how I felt after that night on the Rock Boat where I’d had the most amazing time seeing Hanson, and then we went to the casino bar and I drank 1000 Long Island Iced Tea’s and woke up at 11 the next day somewhere that wasn’t our room and had to ask the stewards how to find it. ALL THE LEVELS LOOK THE SAME. GOD.

Anyway I’ll get to the self-blame later. Both our teams have done amazingly well this week. We are so far beyond proud.

THE WILDCATS

Even with Robbie Farah being out of action the Wildcats gave us our first ever score over 1000 with 1005. Not only that but they also beat the HaberfieldSteelers.

WHAT TEAM? WILDCATS! WHAT TEAM? WILD-CATS!!

Our man T.Camps also had a great round with 99 points (but a bitch ain’t one). I imagine he is just as pleased about doing the Wildcats proud as he is about being named for Origin. Possibly more so.

Vice Captain Hindy stepped up to fill Robbie’s shoes, and filled them goooood with 196 points. B.Moz also had an absolute corker with … wait for it … 90 POINTS! He is such a try scoring machine. Also a threat to Robbie’s Wildcats captaincy. WATCH YO BACK FARAH.

lk

[At this juncture I would like to butt in and say B.MOZ! BABY! WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU! His form of late has been almost too good to believe. Shit is ridiculous. Ridiculous and amaaaazing. We also feel totes validated because we backed him from the start. When he was languishing in reggies and some Dragons fans were pronouncing he was crap we were waving our B.Moz flags. SUCK IT. YOU WERE ALL WRONG.

Anyway, my mother is now completely in love with him and now we BOTH squeal whenever he’s on tv. We loved the post game interview he gave the other nite. He said he just wanted to play well for the Dragons and ‘do Wayne proud’. Wayne and….Oh Errol? Right, Bretty? Thought so. -Kiki]

THE HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS

They looked so good. No one was injured, no one was suspended, and my having to buy Blake Ayshford back the week before would pay off. Well it would have if I’d put him in the team. Soz Blake.

Even Suchy, who went head to head with the Hotties this week, said, and this is a direct quote:

JUST QUIETLY, THE HOTTIES LOOK LIKE A HARD TEAM TO BEAT

DAMN RIGHT. Bitches brought in a stellar 987 points. Their best score ever AND the 4th best in the league. CELEBRATIONZ!

Luke O’donnell was back in the Captain’s Hat after his 116 points last week, and those Lessons in Leadership workshops we’ve been sending him to at the local TAFE have apparently paid off. 176 points for the Hotties. Not the 200+ it could’ve been, but not bad. THANKS LUKE.

The team also could have included Daniel Mortimer, who was set to have his first game in the Parramatta first grade team … but it wasn’t to be. I tried in vain to find him in the Fantasy League database, but there was no D.Morts to find. WHAT? NO DAN DAN?

When I messaged Sassy to tell her the outrageous news, she decided to Take Action. By which I mean she was at work at News Limited in her casual job, and when she finished her shift, marched on down to the Telegraph to demand answers. Unfortunately the answers she got were: ‘Um, I have no idea what you are talking about,’ ‘I think the Fantasty web business is done out of house’, and ‘Daniel who .. ?’

And yes, she really did do this. She is Very Committed.

Anyway, the Hotties ended up being beaten by Naqaima’s Driver by a measly 30 points. If I’d put pretty much anyone else on the bench besides Will Zill, they would’ve won. SIGH. I feel like I’ve let them down. I seriously felt sad when I saw it. HI I’M CRAZY.

I need a drink. And some therapy.

JADEWATCH

This week we aren’t reporting anything directly from Jade because the Tiny Dancer’s got the exact same score as last week. Consistency is for winners!

17 

hot man news season premiere

March 19th, 2009

Break out the bubbly! It’s the first Hot Man News of 2009!

It seems everyone’s been doing their best in the off-season to make it into the Hot Man News. The Eels (I’m not calling them Fattamatta. Nope.) have lost a few kg, Davey’s brought back the beard, and Kayne Lawton’s grown his hair out a bit and stepped up the blonde:

laksjd

We here at Oh Errol LOVE a blondie (well I was anti-blonde until I went that way myself, and my narcissism made me a fully-fledged cheerleader for blondes), and clearly Kayne has been doing his research by going lighter.

To be honest I don’t personally find him THAT hot (I know…between that and not finding Hot Bitch overly amazing, I should probably trade in my vagina), but Kiki is super impressed by his latest look. Welcome back Kayne baby, we missed you.

Oh and if you’re wondering, the Kayne google searches did not let up in the off season. 507 since mid December!

In first-grade Titans news, Will Zill* = still making us swoon. I LOVE this guy, and not just because I enjoy saying his name. Will Zill Sells Sea Shells By The Sea Shore! Another cute blondie, hurrah.

Us: “WILL! How does it feel to be part of the Hottie McHotHots? Also, what’s it like being pretty?”

Will: “…………is this a real interview?”

And it seems Will Zill is also quite the talent outside of footy. The commentary team last week came out with the absolutely golden “William’s teammates reckon he’s good at everything…on and off the field”. IT’S LIKE MUSIC TO OUR PANTS. Of course they could’ve been talking about like, a penchant for knitting his teammates blue and yellow scarves for their trips down south, but let’s go with the obscene option. It’s the Errol way.

Will’s off-field mobile mechanic business is quite the success

This season has also introduced some baby hot bitches across the board. WELCOME BABIES. HOW’S IT FEEL TO BE OBJECTIFIED? GOOD WE HOPE.

Our fave by far though is the Eels’ Daniel Mortimer, who Kiki has suggested may be an heir to the Hot Bitch throne.

“You know, playing for the Eels is awesome and all, but I feel like there’s just something missing in my life”

“If only I could be featured in Oh Errol’s Hot Man News…”

“What’s that? I AM!? Wow, Gabrielle was right…Dreams really CAN come true”

This kid…wow. He even got the lesbian stamp of approval from our girl Bec, and that is no small feat. She is TOUGH to please. Not even Davey could get that stamp. I know right? We don’t get it either. Point is, DanDan has succeeded where Dave could not, and he’s not even in first grade. YET. We’re predicting big things from Daniel, and can’t wait to follow the rest of his season.

But the highlight of our week was the amazing, AMAZING Matt Ballin. Oh…my god. He’s the reigning God of Football, and his ass is so fantastic it should be considered a seperate player, but THIS I was not prepared for:

LORD HAVE MERCY. Ballin also brought some unexpected sexytimes by starting A FIGHT! HER KNEES! KICK HER KNEES! What a dark horse.

[ Here at Errol Matt is known as GI Ballin due to his military like hotness. My theory is that Bal is currently suffering from post traumatic stress of some kind. The insanely loud thunderstorm reminded him of bombs being dropped in the Vietnamese jungle. Consequently he lost his shit and had a burst of violence. THE FLASHBACKS MAN! Also…at this juncture I would like to thank Our Heavenly Lord for a) inventing white transparent shorts and b) causing torrential rain while Matt Ballin was wearing them. Thanks thanks thanks.- K]

PS- Yes that photo does have our watermark on it. We may or may not have purchased it outright from gettyimages and we don’t want any bitches stealing our shit. Needless to say this photographic perfection will appear on the walls of the Errol office. We are currently researching printing options. So far the front runner is a giant floor to ceiling canvas. Soaking Wet Sexy Sexy Ballin feature wall anyone?

*By the way, I love that a bitter Raiders fan, or possibly even a Raider, has obviously added to Will Zill’s wiki page: “He played just 24 games for Canberra before leaving even though they spent years developing him and nursing him through his knee injuries”

Greasy Willy Zilly thanks to Naked For a Cause, screencaps thanks to our fave blog HotAussieShirtless.