21 

footy observations: new careers and new love

August 4th, 2009

Darlings, have you missed us? I know, I know, it’s been ages. I’M SORRY. It turns out that staying up all night watching the Ashes so we can blog for Cricket Australia, and spending your Saturdays whipping up columns for NSWRL really takes up a girl’s time.

But Sassy’s back now so you can stop biting your nails and weeping and just relax. Yes, yes, I promise I will never leave you again. Seriously, let go of my leg … except you Kevin Gordon. You can stay right there. As you were mister!

And now I’ve got my creepy quota in for the day, let’s talk footy. Everyone’s lost their damn minds talking about Karmichael Hunt switching to AFL. Which, to be completely honest, confuses me. Confuses me in the sense that …. I just don’t care. I feel like I’m missing something. I’m not shocked, cause didn’t he already switch to Union. Or did I make that up? Whatever. Let’s just say Karmichael is a straight-up code whore. And I’m not even angry! I kinda understand why someone would switch to AFL. They do have those adorable little sleeveless tops, plus from what I hear, spring rolls at the ground. Sounds pretty sweet to me. Mmmmm …. spring roll. All you have to give up is the joy of playing the greatest code in existence (for explanation, please see replay of Monday’s Tigers vs Sea Eagles game).


Pic. Glen McCurtayne

Best of all: HE’S A QUEENSLANDER. Buh-bye K.Hunt! Take the rest of the maroons with ya, why don’t ya? In fact the only downside of K.Hunt jumping ship is that, when Channel 9 broadcast Broncos games, we now no longer have the delightful possibility that Ray Warren will accidentally call him ‘Kunt’ again. Man, that was sweet.

But this week we realised he might’ve inspired some other league boys to start looking at their options. For one thing, Robbie Farah has a brand new career as a Hot Bitch. When did this happen? Seriously, when? We always adored Robbie for his Serious Thoughtful Comments at press conferences. Now we also adore him for his awesome new beard, and the fact that when he breathes in you can see his six pack through his jersey.

Apparently Robbie does not often indulge in a Robbie Farah kebab.

Terry Campese is in intense training for the T.Camps Michael Jackson tribute hour, hitting the road in the off-season 2009.

Not to mention that every time we turn on the tv we see another NRL player out there pimping out their skillset and trying new things. After his awesome performance on the weekend against the Knights I almost choked on my healthy healthy dinner when I saw Shaun Kenny-Dowall on Sports Tonight rocking out in the pool at swim school.

NO DARLING NO! YOU PLAYED SO WELL!

The way the Roosters season is going right now, if SKD leaves me to join the New Zealand Silver Waterfern swim team or whatever the fuck they’re called for the Commonwealth games in 2010, I will actually end up rocking in the corner in the foetal position. One win does not make a summer, or whatever that expression is. Although a few more losses from the Sharkies should keep us away from the wooden spoon, and, oh, how I cling to that.

Although I do think it would be pretty sweet if Beau Ryan passes his anatomy course and takes up a new career as an Osteopath. I find him oddly …. comforting. I would totally trust him with my spinal health. Although maybe not so much if he decides to become a plastic surgeon or something, because bitch is having troubles with some of the basic concepts of the torsal region.


So, the rib bones connected to the …. boob bone.


The boob bone’s connected to the … ?


… arm? Really? Are you sure?

Oh yeah, that looks right. Boobs, then arms. Lookin hot, anatomy diagram.

Oh no that’s not part of the course! I just thought she looked like someone who’d like swimming. SKD told me he finds it soothing, hey.

He seems to be enjoying the anatomy stuff a lot more than he enjoyed his film course, anyway.


Beau cares not for Peter Jackson fantasy epics. AND THAT ARAGORN IS A DOUCHEBAG.

As for Scotty Prince, I have absolutely no fucking idea what he is doing in an underwater plastic capsule, with BEN ROSS of all people, looking at crocodiles. But here ya go, just because Prince Scotty the Caramel is the reigning Oh Errol snuggliest man in league, and that deserves a run:

Meanwhile before my proud and noble Chooks beat them over the weekend, the Knights were already down a few superstars. I was nestled in the couch last week watching them have their asses handed to them by Manly when all of a sudden the camera flashed to Jarrod Mullen and Chris Houston on the sideline, looking … HOLD ON A SECOND. WHY SO HAPPY BOYS?

More importantly, why is Jarrod Mullen making the EXACT FACE I make when I fancy someone and am busy trying to look cute while I laugh at their jokes, instead of cackling and slapping my knee like I normally do when I find something hilarious. J.Mull, you are TOTALLY FLIRTING. Next thing you know he’ll be sitting sideways on his chair and leaning in close to talk to Houston in preparation for a pash.

(Just by the way, hi Ben Cross in the background! Sorry about that time at State of Origin when I thought you were Danny Nutley).

You know what this means, right? Well, for one thing, Kiki is more jealous than words can express. She loves a bit of Chris Houston’s action. She always tells me so. I think it’s the ye olde blacksmith vibe that gets her. But more importantly, Danny Wicks is gonna be PISSED. He is so not gonna stand for someone making the moves on his mans. Not when they’re so involved: those two share a team, a changeroom, a home, AND a vespa. They are committed.

Oh man, just quietly that video never EVER gets old. Who would have thought two forwards riding a scooter together would be so lolz-inducing?

I feel like either one of Kiki and Danny Wicks might jump out of the bushes and try and ambush J.Mull at any time. My advice to him is to carry a bacon sandwich with him wherever he goes. That would distract either of them. Just chuck it and run like a robber trying to get past a Rottweiler.

J.Mull and Houston have nothing on the greatest love story of the 09 league season though, which everyone knows is a little something called Uncle Wayne and Hot Bitch.

Remember them?

How could you forget? He can hardly wait to hold him, feel his arms around him. What was my point?

Oh yeah, check out who popped up in the box (heh, box) at the Dragons vs Storm extravaganza at Kogarah.

FLOSSY NIGHTINGALE IS THAT YOU? Look at him all up in the coaches box, makin eyes at Uncle Wayne, not even looking at the big flashing talkie box that shows you the game. It’s some First Wives’ Club shit happening up in there … leaving one man for a younger model. Hot Bitch Cooper will not be pleased.

Luckily, I bet he looks fierce in some white pants.

 

Thanks as always to the gorgeous Cronkster and everyone’s favourite blog, Hot Aussie Footy Players Shirtless for the caps.

8 

meet the nominees: fattest man in league 2008

August 28th, 2008

Fattest man in league has caused quite the controversy this year in the Errol office. There have been disputes, tantrums, a little a bit of name-calling, and at one point I think Jessica made Intern Brownie cry.

You see this is one of the foundation Oh Errol awards – it’s been around since the very beginning. It is to the Errols what the marathon is to the Olympics; what Farrah Fawcett is to Charlie’s Angels. It just doesn’t feel like the Errols without it.

But times have changed. Rule progression, limited interchanges and faster, stronger players have meant that the fat man is pretty much a thing of the past in Rugby League, and finding ‘fattest man in league’ candidates is a question of relatives. This year it came down (for most of the nominees) to just a kilo or two.

We might as well be trying to find the skinniest man in league, the sportiest man in league, or the guy who likes footy the most. Cause, well, they’re all professional football players, which makes the scope of these things fairly limited. Duh.

Intern Brownie argued that’s enough of a reason to scrap it, because we don’t want to run the risk of giving any players weight complexes. Men can have body dysmorphia too!

Kiki said it was all too hard then ate a cheeseburger and had a nap. Lozzy worries that it will hurt someone’s feelings.  Me, I’m a traditionalist.

Jessica suggested it was an inappropriate reduction of a person’s qualities to nothing but their mere physical being. Then she remembered that she loves a big man and wouldn’t stop pestering me about when the pics would be up.  John John says his nickname is Hotdog.  That’s not helping, John John honey.

In the end we all got sufficiently drunk to decide the award stays, but it stays with a disclaimer:

None of you are objectively fat. You’re all lovely. But that extra kilo makes you extra awesome and extra huggable, and we think that’s worth an award.

Now let’s get to it.

JARRAD HICKEY


Gregg Porteous / foxsports.com.au

One of the very few Bulldogs left standing in 2008, we wish we could give Jarrad-with-an-A an award just for still being upright.  After all, the doggies probably need all the encouragement they can get.

We wonder if, perhaps, the fact that Jarrad-with-an-A is a robust man has made him able to recover from his rib injury and withstand the rigours of football better than his slighter teammates.  We like to think it has.  That’s why I’m making a saucepan of Easy Mac as we speak: IT’LL MAKE ME STRONG.  Mmmm Easy Mac.

ADAM CUTHBERTSON


Getty Images

Adam was a difficult inclusion in this list, I’m not gonna lie.   You’ll be shocked, I’m sure, to find out we don’t have the clout to force every man in the NRL onto the scales to work out the nominees – apparently you can’t even chase sportsmen with callipers now without being frowned upon – so we have to do the best we can with our eyeballs.

By our eyeballations, either Adam is a delightfully hearty and cuddlable man, or the rest of Manly are just as freakishly toned and fat-free as Personal Trainer and real-life GI Joe doll Matt Ballin.  Either way, Cuthbertson’s in.

[note – I’m sorry to all the Manly fans who I’m sure think that George Rose has been unfairly excluded from this category, but sadly he didn’t hit our minimum number of first grade games threshold.  Next year, Georgie!]

STEVE SOUTHERN

Not just a ranga, but a cuddly one.  WIN-WIN-WIN for you Steve.  But can a man take out two awards?  Stay tuned, babies.

DANNY WICKS


Simone de Peak / leaguehq.com.au

Oh, Danny Wicks.  In my whole life, it’s possible that there is nothing I have enjoyed more than watching a news story featuring footage of Danny Wicks and his hetero-life-mate and fellow Newcastle forward Chris Houston scooting home from footy practice to their share-house on Danny’s vespa.

(Occasional Errol-er Joker’s Wild enjoys referring to the Vespa in question as a metal g-string, but he’s a Newcastle supporter, so he can get away with that kind of thing.  Won’t hear any cheap jokes like that from us).

As Trinny and Susannah would say, Wicksy is an apple, and no doubt the issue of body shapes versus actual body mass will be a hot topic in this year’s Errol judging room.  DO YOU GET MORE POINTS IF YOUR EXTRA WEIGHT IS LOCALISED?

It’s a delicate science, I tell you, a delicate science.

MARK ‘PIGGY’ RIDELL

Grandstand / abc.net.au

I know what you’re thinking at this precise moment: HIS NICKNAME IS PIGGY, HOW CAN HE POSSIBLY LOSE?  But just as on the field, there are some players with a Hindmarsh-esque consistency and reliability of play, and some with a Gasnier-eque propensity for flashes of brilliance and occasional uselessness, some of the stocky men in league are more reliable than others.

After an off-season where his conversion to Bourbon saw him shedding kilos apace, Piggy has lifted his game, and his calorie intake, to bounce back into contention for this award.  I would try and explain to you exactly how much weight this involved but THEY STILL WON’T LET ME WEIGH ALL THE PLAYERS.  Suffice to say he seems to enjoy a yo-yo diet.  He is the Bridget Jones of league.

And with a month or two still to go before the footy season officially wraps up, this category remains an open race.  Anything could happen, kittens!

[In other news, any relevant tips of Danny Wicks hitting up Henny Penny, Mark Riddell buying a slab of carb-filled beer, etc, that might help our decision-making process are more than welcome: errol@oherrol.com]

0 

announcing: the oh errol awards 2008

August 3rd, 2008

TRUMPETS! ELEPHANTS! ACROBATS! FIREWORKS! THIS IS IMPORTANT AND SIGNIFICANT NEWS PEOPLE!  

We are proud, a little bit giddy and alot intoxicated to announce that this year, you have something to look forward to in the sad lull that comes between the Rugby League Grand Final in October and the supercrazypartyfuntimes intense competition of the rugby league World Cup. And isn’t that gonna be a great contest? Almost as compelling as the Commonwealth Games! Can you feel the excitement??

Anyway, that something is the 2008 Oh Errol Awards. We like to call them The Errols.

Today we will announce the nominees in all seven award categories. The lucky winners will receive their Errols at our glittering and illustrious awards ceremony in the Erskineville Bowling Club (beer on tap, food provided from the Chinese Bistro window). Hold onto your hats, bitches. Hereeeeee we go!

The Marlon Brando (the later years) Award for the Fattest Man in League

That’s right boys, this could be your future. Living as an eccentric recluse on an remote tropical island. Daily battling out-of-control bloating and the urge to wear nothing but muu-muus. Creepy companion midget is optional.

Past winners include Arthur Beetson and Daryl Brohman.

This year’s lucky nominees are:

Jarrad Hickey (Bulldogs)
Danny Wicks (Knights)
Mark ‘Piggy’ Riddell (Eels)
Adam Cuthbertson (Sea Eagles)
Steve Southern (Cowboys)

The award this year will also include a complimentary personalised jersey in the Parramatta Eels colours to recognise their excellent work as – by far – the fattest team in league.

 

The Fanta Pants Award for the Biggest Ranga in League

 

 

Previous receipients of the Fanta Pants award include Greg Florimo, Lance Thompson and Paul Vautin. The nominees for 2008 are:

 

Keith Galloway (Tigers)
Steve Southern (Cowboys)
Alan Tongue (Raiders)
Joel Monaghan (Raiders)
Peter Wallace (Broncos)

 

The winner of the Fanta Pants Award also receives a lifetime supply of Nair (to remove said Fanta pubes) and weekly therapy sessions to address the low self-esteem that is so often associated with a man of ginger persuasion.

 

The Polarfleece Award for the Snuggliest Man in League

 

 

There are all different types of attractiveness in this world. Men may not realise it, but ‘cute’ can mean a whole range of things. It’s possible to be intensely attracted to a man without immediately wanting him to put his penis in you. Yes really. When your first impulse is to take them to browse the soft furnishings section of Freedom, you have yourself a snuggly man.

Past Polarfleece winners have included the immensely snugglable Nathan Brown and Krisnan Inu.
This year the men we want to wrap ourselves ourselves up in a blankie with are:

 

Jarryd ‘Baby’ Hayne (Eels)
Issac Luke (Rabbitohs)
Ben ‘Hornbag’ Hornby (Dragons)
Jason ‘Flossy’ Nightingale (Dragons)
Scotty Prince (Titans)

 

Along with their Errol, the lucky winner will receive his very own alpine sweater, tin of drinking chocolate and a complimentary under-fleecy-blanket-snuggle from one of us. Kiki bags Hornbag.

 

The Des Hasler Award for the Best Hair in League
We can’t talk about this award too loudly around the office because Intern Brownie has a tendency to start weeping softly in the tea room, mourning for his dearly departed flaxen locks. We miss them too Brownie, we miss them too.
But in a league where there is so much douchey hair – Ben Roberts and Todd Carney we are looking at you – the men with the vision and strength to rise above peer pressure and sport truly luxurious manes deserve to be honoured.
Past receipients of the Des Hasler have included Peter Sterling (repeat winner 1983 and 1984) and Andrew ‘ET’ Ettingshausen.
This year we are deciding between the locks of:
Daine Laurie (Tigers)
David Williams (Sea Eagles)
Matthew Bell (Panthers)
Nathan Hindmarsh (Eels)
Ruben Wiki (Warriors)
To compliment his Errol, the winner of this award will also receive a gift pack containing Redken All Soft Treatment, two fro combs and a 15 minute scalp massage from intern John John. Don’t be alarmed if he leaves coconut tanning oil in your hair, it’s just his way.

 

The Caramel Delicious Award for the Best Skin in League
Look. We just notice Things Like This, okay? Some boys in the league have REALLY GOOD SKIN.  So good that we could just lick them.  Like a giant Werther’s caramel butterscotch.
So good, in fact, that were we inclined towards the old serial killer make-a-skin-suit out of someone thing, let’s just say these are the suits you’d want for formal occasions. And yes, we realise we are terribly terribly creepy. And you all love it.

Proud former Caramel Delicious winners include David Peachey. 

The nominees for this year are:

Willie Mason (Roosters)
Reni Maitua (Bulldogs)
Scott Prince (Titans)
Ashton Sims (Broncos)
Joel Moon (Broncos)

The Errol award for Best Skin will be accompanied by a pump pack of Palmer’s body lotion. Winners choice of Olive, Shea Butter or Original.

 

The Fuzzy Duckling Award for the Cutest Rookie of the Year

There are some young’uns making their way into the NRL who would deadset make your heart explode from adorableness. They just make our ovaries twinge with glee. Don’t question us, they just do. SO. MUCH. CUTENESS. SQUEEEE!

Previously the Fuzzy Duck has been awarded jointly to the overwhelmingly adorable Morris twins.

This year our awwww-radars are pinging for:

Kevin Locke (Warriors)
Marc Herbert (Raiders)
John Kite (Bulldogs)
Lachlan Coote (Panthers)
Wade Graham (Panthers)

When presented with their Errol, the winner will also receive a toybox filled with teddybears, matchbox cars and animal shaped soaps for bathtime.

The Matt Cooper Award for the Hottest Bitch in League

Technically, Matt Cooper should still qualify for nomination in this category. But we have (finally) realised that shit just isn’t fair. Who can compete with the Original Hot Bitch? His hotbitchness is above petty awards and mere competition. So even though we have disqualified him for competing this year, we will still honour mortals in the shadow of this god.
To date all Hot Bitch Awards have gone to Matt ‘Hot Bitch’ Cooper. Naturally.

The contenders in 2008 are:

Kayne Lawton (Titans)
Joe Picker (Raiders)
Matt Ballin (Sea Eagles)
John Williams (Cowboys)
David Williams (Sea Eagles)

This Errol will be accompanied by a bronzed cast of Matt Cooper’s bicep. Granted this prize may only serve to make them feel bad about themselves, but that’s really not our concern.

Over the coming weeks we will delve more deeply into the appeal of every nominee, methodically analysing why each of them are worthy of the honour. We did consider asking our readers for nomination suggestions but then we remembered we don’t really care what people who aren’t us think. No actually … thats a lie. We do love you all. We just love ourselves more.

Want to revel in the glamour of The Errols? Join us at the ceremony! Please send all ticket enquiries to errol@oherrol.com. Dress code is ‘Formal’, which means tuxedo t-shirts and double pluggers are acceptable and encouraged.