Obviously here at Errol we really love our fantasy league. Personally though, I can never just like something a lot – I have to be a kind of obsessed with it. TV shows (Arrested Development, Friday Night Lights), celebs (Taylor Hanson, Will Arnett), food (I still can’t eat Nacho Cheese Doritos after being addicted to them in Year 9)…

…and right now I’m obsessed with fantasy league.

Might as well face it…

How do I know? Two things:

a) on Saturday morning I was dreaming that new Wildcats recruit DanDan Mortimer scored really really well, and I’m fairly sure I woke myself up because I was so excited I was talking in my sleep. I remember sitting up and talking to myself in bed about DanDan’s score. I WOKE MYSELF UP TALKING ABOUT FANTASY LEAGUE. Why am I single?

b) on Sunday night I came home at 1am after watching an Islander cover band do such classics as Kiss by Prince and Will Smith’s heartfelt classic Gettin Jiggy Wit It, drunk dialled Suchy and whipped out Kiki’s compy to check our fantasy scorez.

Oh, me.

THE WILDCATS

The Wildcats scored over 1000 again!! In fact their score this week is the second highest in the comp with 1030. Unfortunately they didn’t beat their opponents, The Johnny Rapers, but we’re super proud of them anyway.

On a slightly freaky sidenote, the  High School Musical 3 opening number ‘Now or Never’ just came on my mp3 player. It has cheerleaders going “WILDCATS…we’re the champions…gunna win!”. YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT! Writing about our Wildcats while listening to A SONG about Wildcats. CREEPY. And yes you are correct, my life is awesome.

Turns out my dream was right. DAN MORTIMER REALLY DID SCORE WELL! 67 points. I am pretty much The Fantasy League Whisperer. I might get that on a tshirt.

Other notes: Robbie Farah has apparently come to terms with Wildcat leadership with 176 points, Hornbag is clearly beside himself with joy at being re-introduced to the team and scored 70 points, and Dean Young produced his best fantasy score to date with 81. Even when the Dragons lose it pays off having so many in the team. THANKS BABIES!

THE HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS

This week the Hotties were up against The Poodles. I’m glad I decided against adding my own personal fantasy team, The Hedgehogs (now defunct), to the Tele comp. There’s no way I could go up against the Hotties OR the Wildcats.

Anyway the Hotties beat the Poodles 878 to 696. YAAY HOTTIES! Not their best score ever, but quite respectable.

This round’s standout star is most definitely our beloved Intern John John who scored a magnificent 90 POINTS! Unfortunately the same can’t be said for his brother Davey, who scored a try (props to Sunday Roast and WIN news for that shot of the full moon btw. GET IT, COZ HE’S THE WOLFMAN) and still only brought in 30. Tries are 15 points, so basically he did shit all for the rest of the game.

James McManus…welcome to the Hotties. AND THANKS FOR NOT PLAYING THIS WEEK. God dammit. I had to ditch Robbo to make room for him too.

BUT I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GUYS?! I’m wearing shorty shorts and everything!

pic: simon dean

JADEWATCH

Let’s see how the Tiny Dancers are doing. Hopefully better than Jamie ‘Tiny Dancer’ Soward, who we were very worried about when he was knocked out on Monday night.

Not a great week for the Tiny Dancers, must’ve been the swine flu in the air. My excellent coaching skillz meant not only did I have a captain who wasn’t playing, but no vice either. I am awesome. I probably should’ve taken Dell off the bench, then his 72 points would’ve contributed, instead I had Joel Moon’s zinc nipples score 11. All in all it was my not-so-supercoach efforts that led the boys to a measly 627. Better luck next week.

So…not much better off than Sowie then. Boo.

Because I’m lazy very busy and important, you’re not only getting the tips and fantasy results on Wednesday but also squished into the one post together. AN ERROL COMBO. Like this awesome ‘meal’ we got at Krystal in Jacksonville – 6 tiny tiny burgers plus chips and a coke – for about 10 bucks:

We encourage ringing Errol HQ and ordering the Errol Combo. We would very much enjoy making jokes about buns and asking if you want a footlong.

ERROLTIPS

Most people have been saying what a shit round they had. Personally I was pretty pleased with my 3/5. If it weren’t for tipping the Rabbitohs and Bulldogs it would’ve  been perfect and I would have a free whopper voucher. As it happens, I am a vegetarian (ok so I ate the burgers in the above pic, but there’s no way that was actually meat so it doesn’t count). I think the Universe knows this and will never let me get a perfect round. God dammit.

Our weekly winner that’s NOT me, grumble grumble, is Suchy’s mate Neckbeard. Suchy is thrilled:

Apparently he is very excited about being featured on Errol btw. HI ALEX AKA NECKBEARD! YOU IS FAMOUS!

As we bitch about every week, the leaderboard remains full of dirty Queenslanders and Pete, who might as well be a Queenslander anyway. Baz has been knocked out by Mr Spinner Howland, yet Bec and Bree stay put in position 1 & 2. SOMEONE SHAKE THIS UP PLEASE.

1. Bree

2. Bec

3. Spinner

4. Hatecushion

—

FANTASY  LEAGUE

BYE WEEKS ARE SHIT. There’s no fun in a low score, even if it’s only because 5 teams played. No fun at all.

The Wildcats

Our beloved Wildcats actually did OK without Coops, Steve Price, T.Camps, Benny Creagh etc etc. 876 points! We finally brought Hornbag back in after ditching him in Round 5 (I forget why) and scored a lovely 97 points. YAY HORNBAG.

Speaking of, we all agreed he was making us happy in our pants during the game on Friday night.  I think being back in the Wildcats is giving him some extra sparkle. And not the kind that Zeffie’s drama teacher said he has.

You might recall that last week Sassy was so outraged by the lack of DanDan Mortimer that she marched down to the Tele to tell them so. Turns out there’s a reason for this, as the Tele’s Online Sports Editor Vivienne told us in an email. They also blogged about it.

UPDATE: Those looking to sign Daniel Mortimer – or any other player yet to play first grade – should be aware that new players will be added to the system once they play a game. Therefore, you cannot buy Mortimer this week, but he will be available next week.

HOW AWESOME IS THAT? Being a weirdo at work can apparently pay off.

The Hottie McHotHots

This has actually prompted me to consider whether there’s something wrong with my brain. I distinctly remember telling Sassy that ‘the Hotties are fine this week’ after checking who was/wasn’t playing. I thought we were down 2 players at the most.

Turns out we were down SEVEN. SEVEN!! It wasn’t till I checked our progressive score on Sunday that I realised how many were out. HOW DID I NOT NOTICE SEVEN PLAYERS MISSING? I am baffled and might look into getting an MRI. Doctor doctor, I needz a brain check for fantasy league!

So the Hotties scored 577 and surprisingly they came 6th in the league. I guess everyone else was even worse off than we were.

Timmy Moltzen filled in for T.Camps and Craig Wing while they were off galivanting around with the NSW team, and Shannan Mcpherson made his debut. Chris Heighington was promoted to captain, Trevor ‘Sexmachine’ Thurling finally played a game…and that’s pretty much all there is to report.

**Make sure you all buy Rugby League Week this week because WE’RE IN IT, along with the boys from FireUp! Massive thanks go out to Steve Mascord for writing it, and to all of our fanz for helping us be popular enough to write about.**

God, this round’s results are creating an emotional tug of war. THERE’S NO EMOTICON FOR WHAT I’M FEELING. It’s like immense joy and warmth mixed with a hint of disappointment in myself. Kind of like how I felt after that night on the Rock Boat where I’d had the most amazing time seeing Hanson, and then we went to the casino bar and I drank 1000 Long Island Iced Tea’s and woke up at 11 the next day somewhere that wasn’t our room and had to ask the stewards how to find it. ALL THE LEVELS LOOK THE SAME. GOD.

Anyway I’ll get to the self-blame later. Both our teams have done amazingly well this week. We are so far beyond proud.

THE WILDCATS

Even with Robbie Farah being out of action the Wildcats gave us our first ever score over 1000 with 1005. Not only that but they also beat the HaberfieldSteelers.

WHAT TEAM? WILDCATS! WHAT TEAM? WILD-CATS!!

Our man T.Camps also had a great round with 99 points (but a bitch ain’t one). I imagine he is just as pleased about doing the Wildcats proud as he is about being named for Origin. Possibly more so.

Vice Captain Hindy stepped up to fill Robbie’s shoes, and filled them goooood with 196 points. B.Moz also had an absolute corker with … wait for it … 90 POINTS! He is such a try scoring machine. Also a threat to Robbie’s Wildcats captaincy. WATCH YO BACK FARAH.

[At this juncture I would like to butt in and say B.MOZ! BABY! WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU! His form of late has been almost too good to believe. Shit is ridiculous. Ridiculous and amaaaazing. We also feel totes validated because we backed him from the start. When he was languishing in reggies and some Dragons fans were pronouncing he was crap we were waving our B.Moz flags. SUCK IT. YOU WERE ALL WRONG.

Anyway, my mother is now completely in love with him and now we BOTH squeal whenever he's on tv. We loved the post game interview he gave the other nite. He said he just wanted to play well for the Dragons and 'do Wayne proud'. Wayne and....Oh Errol? Right, Bretty? Thought so. -Kiki]

THE HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS

They looked so good. No one was injured, no one was suspended, and my having to buy Blake Ayshford back the week before would pay off. Well it would have if I’d put him in the team. Soz Blake.

Even Suchy, who went head to head with the Hotties this week, said, and this is a direct quote:

JUST QUIETLY, THE HOTTIES LOOK LIKE A HARD TEAM TO BEAT

DAMN RIGHT. Bitches brought in a stellar 987 points. Their best score ever AND the 4th best in the league. CELEBRATIONZ!

Luke O’donnell was back in the Captain’s Hat after his 116 points last week, and those Lessons in Leadership workshops we’ve been sending him to at the local TAFE have apparently paid off. 176 points for the Hotties. Not the 200+ it could’ve been, but not bad. THANKS LUKE.

The team also could have included Daniel Mortimer, who was set to have his first game in the Parramatta first grade team … but it wasn’t to be. I tried in vain to find him in the Fantasy League database, but there was no D.Morts to find. WHAT? NO DAN DAN?

When I messaged Sassy to tell her the outrageous news, she decided to Take Action. By which I mean she was at work at News Limited in her casual job, and when she finished her shift, marched on down to the Telegraph to demand answers. Unfortunately the answers she got were: ‘Um, I have no idea what you are talking about,’ ‘I think the Fantasty web business is done out of house’, and ‘Daniel who .. ?’

And yes, she really did do this. She is Very Committed.

Anyway, the Hotties ended up being beaten by Naqaima’s Driver by a measly 30 points. If I’d put pretty much anyone else on the bench besides Will Zill, they would’ve won. SIGH. I feel like I’ve let them down. I seriously felt sad when I saw it. HI I’M CRAZY.

I need a drink. And some therapy.

JADEWATCH

This week we aren’t reporting anything directly from Jade because the Tiny Dancer’s got the exact same score as last week. Consistency is for winners!

We’re in the midst of a Very Important fortnight in the world of fantasy league, with both our teams going head to head with Suchy’s team Naiqama’s Driver. I mean in different rounds obvs, not like the Wildcats and the Hotties have come together to form an Oh Errol Supergroup. Like The Young Divas!

This is serious bizness, since part of the reason we’re all up in fantasy league is to psych out our guy friends and/or beat them. That’s the second time I’ve referenced A League of Their Own on Errol by the way. I can’t wait for the day I have reason to use ‘You look like a penis with a little hat on’ and make it three. Make it happen, Darren Lockyer!

Suchy in particular takes his fantasy league/beating Errol teams so seriously that whilst at the gym on Friday evening, he realised he’d forgotten to make a trade and stopped in the middle of his workout to go home and sort it out. AMAZING. This is the kind of dedication we’re up against. I’d like to say we’d do the same thing, but we would never be at the gym in the first place.

THE WILDCATS

Ok, I normally don’t look after the business end of the Wildcats. Why? Because there’s a few players I don’t know/can never remember. SHUT UP. I am much more comfortable with the Hotties, but this week I did do some rearranging of the Wildcats. While trying to make room for Hot Bitch Cooper’s longawaited return, I got confused and ditched Kevin Gordon, who Sassy had just given a massive wrap to. I’M SORRY KEVIN. I FORGOT WHO YOU WERE. I am an idiot.

The Wildcats only managed 825 points. Suchy beat us by like, 160. DAMMIT.

Captain T.Camps gave us 46 points (and that’s double points for captains. Lucky for Tez I just can’t get mad at him), and ex-captain Robbie Farah scored an amazing 108. Though you wouldn’t know it looking at the post-game pics:

Guys? Herro? Is this coz I was shit at being a captain? THAT WAS ONE TIME.

Unfortunately we left Josh Dugan and Love Shack in the team,  both of whom were not actually playing. Oops.

THE HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS

THIS IS SO EXCITING YOU GUYS. Our Hotties have once again performed better than the Wildcats AND beaten their opponents. They also beat their personal best by more than 60 pts, coming in at 905. Oh, you pretty things.

After seeing That Photo of Chris Heighington I decided he just HAD to be in the Hotties, but trying to shuffle things around enough to afford him (he is so spensy!) proved difficult. So difficult that I had to get out the calculator to figure it out. MATHS IS REALLY HARD. Anyway I ended up ditching Saffy and Beau Ryan, but I feel it was worth it in the end thanks to Hino’s awesome 82 points. Bitch really knows how to make an impression.

Luke O’Donnell continues to impress whenever he’s NOT our captain, with a whopping 116 points. It’s such a shame he’s bad at leadership. Errol favourite Davey Williams is finally back on his game too with 74 points. YAY DAVE!

The Hotties went head to head with the HaberfieldSteelers and beat them by just under 40 points, weee! We are so so proud of them. We might even let them celebrate with an ice cream. Matt Ballin will tell us he’s lactose intolerant, but we know he just doesn’t want the calories. EAT YOUR DAMN ICE CREAM MATT. You can do 50 laps of Errol HQ afterwards. Thatta boy.

JADEWATCH

Let’s find out how the Tiny Dancers did this week shall we?

This week I decided to try a new technique with the boys, a lil bit of reverse psychology if you will. I totes didnt talk to them all week so they knew I was peeved at their previous sucky efforts. I didn’t even change their positions from last week so they knew I was REAL PISSED.

WELL. Methinks they had a private team meeting and decided they just HAD to win back my love, or prove they could be good without me. Either way they were keen to impress… and it worked. Folau had marvellous round scoring 116 points! Go Izzy! In total the boys managed a delicious 949. GO YOU TINY DANCERS! Let’s hope next week we can get back up past the 1000 mark.

Next week it’s the Hotties up against Naiqama’s Driver, and we will never ever stop laughing if the Hotties win. Well we might stop to do the forks a few times, but other than that…

HELLO BABIES! As if you needed any further proof that super-coaches never sleep, you’re getting a Fantasy League report from me all the way down in Orange. And it’s extra-special this week because, last night, as we sat in the Canobolas Hotel in the main street of Orange waiting for our garlic bread we realised the City Origin team had decided to drop in for cook your own steak. And why wouldn’t you? So imagine how happy we were when we spied Titans and City Origin coach John Cartwright lurking around the corner chatting to the Country coaching team and – surprisingly – not holding a Coke Zero. We almost didn’t recognise him. HE JUST REALLY LOVES IT, OK?
 

We are srs supercoaches.
Pic. Getty Images

Clearly this was the perfect time to back him into a corner (not physically, because he’s like eight feet tall, and I’m only 5’6 and a half) and have a supercoach powerchat for two hours. I told him in great depth about the Great Errol Fantasy League Experiment and I’m 99% sure he was thrilled to find out that at least two of his boys are fantasy starters. How proud must the Titans be? So proud.

By the way, I know we make up a lot of stuff like … well, just click on the interns tag, but I assure you this really did happen in the real world and not in my mind.

I may also have told him:

a) that Scott Prince was crowned snuggliest man in league 2008, and;

b) that he is a very buff man. Kiki asked if it was a coaching technique to make sure players listen and obey when he tells them things. If it is, I’m impressed by his dedication and ingenuity.

I hope that he also passes on his suggestion to the Titans Junior Development Team that they can use the results of the Errol fantasy teams to start picking superstars of the future based on their personalities and looks. MY SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH IS GONNA REVOLUTIONISE RUGBY LEAGUE.

Here’s the latest rundown:

THE WILDCATS

Steve Price … I’m so glad you’re back. Papa Steve Price and teeny Issac Luke in the forwards came through with 133 points between them, and with Robbie Farah chipping in 99 points our front row are big front row dynamos. Tiny Dancer Jamie Soward and T.Camps delivered as always, but man of the match for round 8 was Preston Campbell. No, it’s not just because he played with a broken jaw that time (which was AMAZING) but also for bringing in 89 points as reserve fullback. As his prize, I will make him a backup headgear with an aboriginal flag ironed on so if he forgets it again he always has a spare.

Before you ask, YES I can iron. Sometimes I can actually manage to do domestic things without setting myself on fire, k?

But despite a brilliant 976 points, the Wildcats were taken down by the narrowest of margins by the Brett Dallas Cowboys on 1076 points. Oh, the pathos. I am gonna send them all little baskets to make them feel better, full of cupcakes that say YOU’RE STILL WINNERS in icing.

THE HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS

It’s just not easy being pretty. Despite Justin Poore lifting to 56 points in the win over the Warriors, slim weeks for Willy Zilly and Trevor Thurling saw the Hottie McHotHots rack up only 758 points and fall to Beers at the Cloey. I won’t say anymore, but next team meeting I will totally pat all their heads and tell them they’re pretty. That always soothes the sting of a loss.

JADEWATCH

Round 8 Score: 946 *does a little happy dance which may or may not resemble Tiny Dancer* (which would be appropriate seeing as I have a whole TEAM of Tiny Dancers)

I was pretty happy with the boys’ performance, however NEVER AGAIN will I put Lockyer back in. 13 points! Really Lockyer?? Talk about inconsistent. Last week I kicked myself for excluding him cos he managed to actually do stuff and score 76, but this week… 13! NOT HAPPY DAZZA.

Man of the Match goes to Preston Campbell… he will be receiving a gold star on our Performance Chart.

 

… thanks to Carty for the coaching tips. Heart.

Ok look. I’m gunna let you all in on a little behind the scenes Errol stuffs. Thankfully this isn’t a video featurette like you get on DVD special features, coz I haven’t had my hair done in weeks and my regrowth is shocking. Don’t worry, I’m going to get it done on Thursday. I know you were wondering.

Last week I struggled like woah with our fantasy post. I just had nothing to say! I got so sick of it that I cracked the shits, made Sassy finish it, and said I’M NOT DOING IT NEXT WEEK. NO NO NO! *tanty*

Lozzy causes a scene in the Errol Office/wears awesome dress

“So why are you doing it this week then Lozzy? I must know!”

*fills with rage* BECAUSE I’VE DROPPED TO 6TH PLACE IN TIPPING AND I’M SO ANNOYED ABOUT IT I REFUSED TO DO THE TIPS POST. No, I don’t wanna talk about it.

Anyway, hopefully this week’s fantasy post comes a little easier this time. I’ve waited till the afternoon to write it because I feel my best thinking is done a) in the shower (SASSY DOES IT TOO. We always say “So I was just thinking in the shower and…”) and b) post-lunch. Because pre-lunch I’m just thinking about lunch/emailing Sassy asking what she’s having for lunch, which fall into the hands of unsuspecting coworkers. HI HUGH!

THE WILDCATS

Looks like the silent treatment paid off. The Wildcats scored a decent 930 points this week – improving by more than 100 from last week. Still, they could do better.

We couldn’t afford to re-introduce Hot Bitch Coops to the team (and I mean we literally couldn’t afford it. Bitch is expensive), but we did benefit from the return of Steve Price, who brought a fantastic 71 points to the table (you know he totally sits at the head of it and carves the meat too).

Errol favourite Robbie Farah also scored a nice 79 points, which would be even more awesome if he were still the Wildcats captain but…we gave it to T.Camps. Who scored 27 points. GOD TEZ. Is this because I ditched you for Jamie Soward as my footy husband? I know you apparently have a bung foot and a ‘virus’, but I think this is the real reason. It’s ok, rejection makes me vomit too.

Meanwhile we are feeling super-smart and prescient that when we were picking the squads, Sassy snapped up lil Kevin Gordon from the Gold Coast Titans for just $87,500. That bad boy is now worth $149,600. He also notched up 67 points this round. Amazing!

And you know what? We are not surprised. Because we like to put our faith in the young players. We believe the children are our future, if you will.

And Kevin Gordon is an especially lovable future.

HI K.FLASH. We especially love his monotreme hair and Flossy-esque joy at just being on the footy field. Star of the future alert, people.

Man of the Match however goes to Manu Vatuvei. 85 POINTS! Vatuvei, Vatuvei he’s our man(u)! (We would’ve given it to Tiny Dancer and his 105 pts, but he gets a mention on Errol all the time)

THE HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS

The Hotties had an ok week. 842 points. Not spectacular, but definitely better than some of their past efforts.

We COULD afford Hot Bitch for the Hotties, but we also didn’t realise John John was out for two weeks, not one, and had him in our starting 13. I SWEAR HE WAS IN THE TEAM LIST. I checked, and then recorded against our fantasy team spreadsheet. You can’t argue with the spreadsheet!

Luke O’Donnell, as foreshadowed last week, took on the Hotties captaincy…and then went and got himself sinbinned. DAMMIT LUKE. That’s minus 16 points, you bitch. Consider yourself stripped of the title. Mmm, stripping Luke O’Donnell.

Luke O’Donnell can sin our bins any day

As for the head-to-head, well, the Wildcats beat the Hotties. I dunno about the other girls, but I was really hoping it would be the other way around. Not that I don’t love the Wildcats. I just love the Hotties more. WHAT!? I just like an underdog! It has nothing to do with their prettiness.

JADEWATCH

No proper Jadewatch this week. We contacted Jade for comment and could only get a “I’m too embarrassed at the result” statement. Ouch. Poor Jade. Poor Tiny Dancers.

Shirtless Luke – Naked For a Cause and our fave blog

FINALLY we had a week where both our teams weren’t beat down with injuries and suspensions. Ok, so we’re still feeling the loss of Hot Bitch Cooper, previous Wildcats coach Hindy was off with a hand injury (you might say Hindy had a sore HANDY. God I’m funny), our beloved Intern John John was out after The Incident, and Robbie Farah was still kind of upset at us for being mean to him last week, but for the most part both the Hotties and the Wildcats were pretty full of talent.

The scores, however, beg to differ.

THE WILDCATS

You thought last week was bad? The Wildcats had their WORST round to date this week, scoring 808 points. They lost their head to head match with the E Street Shuffles and are sitting 9th out of 16 now on the fantasy league ladder. The addition of Work Experience Boy Lachie to the team did nothing for us because we forgot to make him a reserve, and…

…ok, look. I have absolutely NOTHING else to say to or about the Wildcats. I am hereby giving them the silent treatment, Des Hasler style.

THE HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS

BEST. WEEK. EVER. God we are ever so proud of our pretty boys, who not only scored their most points to date at 861, not only BEAT their opponents, the Grand Mal Meningas, but also DID BETTER THAN THE WILDCATS. *fireworks*

Ok so they still haven’t scored higher than 900, but they’re on their way!

This round we got rid of deadweights Josh Cordoba and Hep Cahill (don’t be too disappointed boys, at least you’re still pretty!), replacing them with Ashton Sims and no-more-sore-throat Steve Price.

For Round 7 however, the Hotties might have to experience a little bit of tension. Reigning Captain of my pants Jamie Soward is being outshone by Luke O’Donnell, and he just might steal the title off Tiny Dancer. DRAMAZ.

The Hotties started off so so badly and have risen up like pretty little phoenixes. We could not be more proud.

And the message from all this is that maybe picking based on looks is just getting a bad rap. Pretty people can succeed too, you know.

JADEWATCH

Jade seems to have succumbed to the misfortune and malaise that we’ve been dealing with too.  and by ‘misfortune and malaise’ I mean ‘players being named BUT NOT TURNING UP %$#&(@’ and ‘us being idiots and accidentally reading last weeks’ team lists / clicking the wrong boxes / not wearing our glasses while we do it’.  Sigh.

I had a terrible, TERRIBLE week. Partly my fault, I kept Jamal Idris in when he wasn’t playing. Partly not my fault, my captain David Stagg decided her couldn’t play this round (after the lockout was in effect) because HE HAD A COLD. Bitch needs to man up. I wish I had put Saffy and Price back in, then perhaps I would’ve scored more than 837. Shit.

Hear that David Stagg?  The moral of this week’s fantasy post is MAN UP, BITCH.  See ya on the field, kiddies.

P.S Next week the Hotties and the Wildcats are going HEAD TO HEAD! We can’t wait.

Ooh, our Big Experiment is heating up.

This week the unthinkable has happened. The Hottie McHotHots, our pretty little strugglers, have done ALMOST as well as our likable (and usually successful) Wildcats. SHOCK! In fact, the Hotties have had their best week to date. MORE SHOCK!

Are chiseled jaws and perfect arms about to overtake Sunday BBQ’s and trips to Ikea? Only time will tell.

THE WILDCATS

The Wildcats had their most dismal week since Round 1 with an upsetting 858 points. That’s almost 100 less than last week! The horrible week of injured and/or suspended players! NOT GOOD ENOUGH, BOYS. Not bloody good enough.

Scotty Prince’s big return gave us NOTHING with a measly 28 points, and captain Robbie Farah brought in a score of 80. And captains get DOUBLE points. Now that is just…embarrassing. Robbie, you go outside and think about how you’ve let everyone down. Go on. GO.

(Don’t worry, we always cave and let him back in once he starts scratching and whimpering at the door. We can’t resist that face.)

Our head-to-head with Anton’s Grand Mal Meningas was also disappointing, with the Mal’s scoring 934 points and beating our asses.

Ok, it’s not all doom and gloom. There were some bright spots. Newbie Josh Dugan had a fab first round with 54 points, and J.Moz clearly benefited from being reunited with twinnie B.Moz, bringing in a nice 64 points.

THE HOTTIE McHOTHOTS

We are so proud of our gorgeous boys and their best score yet of 825 points. And most of it is thanks to the addition of Jamie ‘Tiny Dancer’ Soward as captain, earning a whopping 160 points! Lozzy’s dirty crush sure paid off. He is totally her new footy husband now. SORRY T.CAMPS.

Luke O’Donnell also brought in a champion score of 76, along with the always amazing T.Camps’ 85.

A special congrats to cuteypie Luke Capewell, who after being ommitted in the first 3 rounds brought in a nice 48 points for the Hotties this week. GO CAPEWELL GO.

The Hotties’ head-to-head against Reegan’s E Street Shuffles left much to be desired, defeated by the Shuffles’ 974.

Pricey’s throat is all healed and he’s back for Round 6, so things might get even better for our Hotties. Should be a corker.

JADEWATCH

Straight from the  horse’s mouth this week:

Well, it seems my excellent scores were just beginners luck. I am sitting on 833 points for round 5, and I blame Scott Prince. He is meant to be a golden (caramel) boy but only scored 28 points. Lift your game or you’re OUT Scotty! It’s times like these I wish I had Jamie Soward. Also Darren Lockyer is on Very Thin Ice and will prob get kicked off next round, he scored a measly 16. All big name, no performance when needed. I don’t get the fuss over him. All in all it was ok, but i really really wish I had Braith Anasta playing, he would’ve scored 77 if I’d given him a run. Poor Braith.

On the plus side, I still beat Adge

It seems poor Scotty is in both our bad books. I know I know, but he’s so snuggly. Being a supercoach is such a bitch.

Ohhhh this week has been bleak (rhyming is fun). We need to build a friggin emergency ward for our fantasy teams. Perhaps it’s Kiki’s Injury Prone aura that’s rubbing off on the boys?  Whatever it is, (a) WE DON’T LIKE IT and (b) it’s really messing up the Errol office.

The scene in our breakroom right now is like a page from a WWI history book, and all the infirm footy players lolling around and whinging for iceblocks and magazines really gets in a girl’s way when she’s trying to make an afternoon Irish Coffee.

THE WILDCATS

Despite still reeling from Hot Bitch Cooper’s hammy injury, the Wildcats managed an impressive total of 940 points to 842.  Score!

This week was the first week of the head-to-head matches on the Tele’s Fantasy League competition, which means that the Wilcats were put up against ‘Beers at the Cloey’ … just like a real match!  And OUR BABIES WON.

The coach of the Beers, Vitlin, tried to convince us this was some kind of anomaly, and our win was just due to three of his players being stood-down for the match, severely weakening his squad. This, clearly, is bullshit.

In fact, this week we are still without injured fullback Flossy Nightingale and injured winger Manu Vatuvei, and this week we also had no Jamal Idris, who was stood down after getting his punch on breaking up a fight in Wentworthville. Sigh.

It’s just bloody lucky we were able get into the kitchen, redistribute the food, shove in some extra chairs, put Brett Morris on the wing and Krisnan Inu in the centres and get that shit together. (Yes, that was a Clueless reference. Don’t pretend you don’t know it.)

But the bad luck didn’t stop there. Our stand-in fullback, Preston Cambpell, had to be helped off-field during the Titans’ match against the Storm and will be out for another week. And our brave little soldier in the second row, Benny ‘Broken Head’ Creagh, played most of his game with a broken nose.

All in all, with a special effort from Wendell Sailor (thanks Big Dell!), it was a brave triumph for our likeable little Wildcats.

Next week, they take on the Grand Mal Meningas, coached by Anton.  With the return of Prince Scotty the Caramel and Jamal Idris, we’re expecting a blinder. GAME ON, ANTONIO.

THE HOTTIES

So things are pretty tough for the Wildcats, but those bitches have nothing on the Hotties.

Their whole season started badly when our winger Dave Williams was ruled out with an injured shoulder, and has only veered violently downhill since with the loss of Cap’n Hotbitch, halfback Prince Scotty the Caramel, Steve Price (with a throat injury. Really, Steve? REALLY?), and Justin Poore.

Then, oh, about two seconds and nine Fantasy Points into the Raiders game, Sexmachine Trevor Thurling got broken.

[I don't know if it's just me, or if maybe it's just the fact that I woke up at 4.30 am today (TO MEET HUGH JACKMAN) but it's starting to seem like the universe is trying to punish the Hotties for being pretty.

LEAVE OUR BOYS ALONE YOU BITCH. IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT THEY HAVE GORGEOUS, GORGEOUS FACES. - Sassy]

But in the face of overwhelming adversity, throat injuries, inconvenient facial appointments, and the wrath of a cruel and violent universe, the Hotties managed to secure a draw: 764 points all with the Brett Dallas Cowboys, coached by Quigley.

John Williams took over as Cap’n Hot, and with the help of an awesome game from lil Luke Capewell, they thrusted their way to a pretty decent result.

[I should also point out that 1 x Tiny Dancer (aka Jamie Soward) somehow seems to be in this team at five-eighth. Because Lozzy thinks he's a hot bitch. I can't begin to imagine why.  - Sassy]

[I have absolutely no idea how that happened - Lozzy]

Next week, the kiddies take on the E Street Shuffles who have been leading the comp to this point … assuming no more of our players break bones/contract Typhoid/get hit by buses during the week, I think our babies have a chance.

JADEWATCH

Just a brief Jadewatch this week, because we don’t want to make you any more depressed than you already are:

Unfortunately the tiny dancers did not go as well as last week I will need new boys as currently 5 players are out, either injured or in trouble with the law. Grrreeeaaaat.

That really says it all.  Grrreeaaaat.

[First of all  - if you have no idea what this is about, read our past fantasy league posts.]

So I have a special addition to our fantasy league update this week. From now on every week you’ll get an update on our Errol Friend Jade.

Jade’s a New Footy Recruit.  After being bombarded with Oh Errol posts for a year, she’s drunk the footy kool-aid, put on her shiny new shoes and is now a dedicated footy watcher. Also a dedicated watcher of Kayne Lawton.

 
Figure A: K.Law.
 

Not only is Jade crafty and adorable, she also signed up to the telegraph site, picked a squad, created a fantasy team, named them and designed jerseys for them purely out of stubbornness.  Basically Jade = AWESOME.

Someone said she couldn’t do it, she said … well something I probably can’t repeat on Errol, and the rest is history. Let’s start with Jade’s team of champions.

JADEWATCH

They’re called the Tiny Dancers, they wear lavender, and they’re packed with all the big names like Billy Slater (for the record we Don’t Approve of This), Steve Price, and Darren Lockyer, plus some smartypants buys like Bronson Harrison, Jamal Idris and Alex glenn.

And for round three, they scored … 1067 points.  SCORE JADE.

THE WILDCATS

DISASTROUS WEEK FOR THE WILDCATS.  Not only was our regular halfback Prince Scotty the Caramel knocked out of the round with an injured hammy … all of a sudden Jason ‘Flossy’ Nightingale was ruled out of Sunday’s game against the Sharks at the very last minute, and Matt ‘Hotbitch’ Cooper was helped off the field after only a few minutes with his hamstring pulled too.

Nooo! Not Hotbitch! If only it were a groin injury like last year at least we could’ve soothed the hurt with some groinage lolz. No, just a hammy.

This is the kinda stuff a coach can’t control, people. Sometimes you just have to channel Freddy Fittler, lean back, take a deep breath, and eat a muffin.

But even with the equivalent of 11 men on the field, the Wildcats managed to keep up their steady improvement and rack up 941 points. Sure it looks a little povo next to Jade’s score, but fear not chickens.  It’s all part of my careful plan. Remember the Roosters last year?  Yeah?

You never wanna peak too early. That’s all I’m saying.

In the last week we had to boot a few injuries, so we bought up Jamal Idris and Eddy Pettybourne, and the boys did some excellent work on the field. As always, Cap’n Hindmarsh and Vice-Captain Robbie Farah led from the front with 237 points between them. AMAZING.

By the by – turns out there is no longer a ‘Robbie Farah’ kebab on sale at Ali Baba. What’s doing? What did Robbie do wrong? Explain pls Ali Baba.

HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS

Hotbitch Cooper’s injury probably hit them worst of all. How are they meant to succeed with no captain? I mean, really. It’s no wonder they fell back to 675 points. Still, better than Round 1.

There’s also the little problem of us forgetting to log in on Friday and put injured Scotty Prince on the bench.

Although in our defence, it’s usually Lozzy and I who look after this fantasy bizness because Kiki has trouble understanding how to log in/see your team/not break anything.  And last Friday we were busy getting a Tarot reading and then having $3 happy hour vodkas in the lobby of her hotel.

We did buy up David Shillington during the week though – due to popular request – and he whipped up a manly 57 points, despite looking worryingly malnourished. You can stay, Shillo. But have a pie will ya?

We’ve also grabbed us some Craig Wing at 5/8th and we think he’ll add some pep – also dimples – to the team. 

THE LOW-DOWN

So the experiment still suggests likeability is the winner. But thats not the only important part.  As of this weekend (Round 4) our brave teams start playing head-to-head against the other teams in our league.  I’M SO NERVOUS.

The last three rounds were just training really.  Meanwhile I am stubborn and bossy in general, and I am also incredibly competitive … so once next round starts, you better believe IT’S ON, BITCHES.  Likeability and Attractiveness are both gonna kick ass. Trust.

[UPDATE: Kittens, we are in the midst of a fantasy league emergency.  Not only is Hotbitch Cooper in the wars, we're still down Justin Poore, Manu Vatuvei, Flossy Nightingale and Prince Scotty the Caramel, and now we find out Steve Price has a throat injury.  It's an injury-fest here at Errol.  Considering we only get two trades a week, I just don't think we have the bench depth of hotness to cope with this. Stay tuned for further updates.]