You’ve probably been wondering about this all week, right? Thinking, my god, what’s happened in the Errol Experiment? I must know!

Well, no matter how much you’ve thought about it, you are probably nowhere near as nerdy as I am.  I have become honest-to-god obsessed.  In my defence: this fantasy league business is ridiculously complicated and time-consuming and involved and I’M JUST REALLY COMMITTED TO BEING A SUPERCOACH, OK? 

In fantasy league I’m a forward …nyeh!

On Saturday I found myself watching the football and when one of our players yoinked an opposition ball from the air I actually yelled INTERCEPT! Intercepts are extra points in fantasy league!  I was so excited I almost fell off my chair. Clearly I have very little in my life and you can feel free to pity me. 

ANYWAY. Let’s get down to bizniss.

THE WILDCATS

I had a revelation during the week – by which I mean someone reminded me – that there is a totally awesome movie from the eighties where my idol Goldie Hawn becomes the coach of a high school football team despite knowing nothing about football. High-jinks and redemption ensue.  And it’s called WILDCATS.  

So if you’re wondering what I get up to during the week when we’re coaching our team of Wildcats … it pretty much looks like this:

I wear a little whistle and grey marle and  teach them dance routines and they call me Coach Sassy.  It’s awesome. Robbie Farah is quite the dancer, if you’re wondering. He’s got a great shimmy.

Meanwhile I did crack the shits at one point this week after the Roosters’ round one loss to the Raiders. I had a mini-tanty and instead of just eating or drinking my feelings like I usually do, I took it out on the boys by booting Craig Fitzgibbon from the team and replacing him with Nathan Hindmarsh.  (Sorry Fitzy. You know I don’t mean it when I get angry, baby).  

And with Cap’n Hindmarsh having an amaaazing game the Wildcats made it to 856 points.

THE HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS

First of all, as far as I know there is no movie called ‘The Hottie McHothots’ and that is a massive shame. There should be.

This week our team of Hottie McHots brushed their hair 100 times and really lifted their games. Captain Matt Cooper obviously gave some excellent motivation because Steve Price scored 91 points on his HMH debut, and John-John Williams and Joel Moon had crackers too.

Altogether the Hottie McHothots made it to an incredible 773 points. 

They’re still coming last in the league, but maybe that’s because they have low self-esteem because people keep implying they’re halfwits.  Hmmmm? I BELIEVE IN YOU BOYS.

THEORIES SO FAR?

Likeability still has it all over attractiveness. As a shallow person, let’s just say this experiment is not panning out the way I’d hoped/expected.

We have realised recently that there was something missing from our 2008 league experience.  Something … nerdy.  That something, my friends, was fantasy rugby league.

You know, fantasy league!  Like Paul Rudd sneaks off in the dead of night to play in Knocked Up (and plays in real life). I’m surprised we didn’t get onto it earlier, because if Paul Rudd has anything to do with it, it has to be good.

But somehow the idea of just trading players like cattle and putting together our imaginary squad wasn’t quite enough, you know? Although I did really enjoy announcing things like ‘did I tell you I own Craig Fitzgibbon now? BECAUSE I DO.’  We wanted more. So we rocked on over and joined the Daily Telegraph fantasy league, and set up possibly the greatest experiment in the history of e-Rugby League.

We could just pick players based on how good they are, but if you follow that kinda logic we could also just go out “for a few hours” and come home at midnight. Pffft, we’re no slackers. Instead we’re going to use the joy of the internet to discern how success relates to two Important Factors: likeability, and attractiveness.

THIS IS HOW WE DO IT:

We decided to create two amazing-partytimes Fantasy League teams. One chosen based solely on looks, and one based purely on who we think is awesomest in the NRL, would most like to hang out by the barbie and/or watch cricket with, or are just fond of for reasons we can’t really explain.

We spent an entire afternoon fussing over our two fantasy teams – trading them about, picking their jersey colours (white shorts for when it rains, obvs), and listening to Lozzy pushing for Tez Campese’s inclusion in the attractive team. HE IS HANDSOME. GOD.

It was the best time we’ve had in a while. And as you know, we get out quite a bit. Fantasy League is just really, really fun. Thanks, Paul Rudd!

THIS IS WHAT WE ENDED UP WITH:

The Oh Errol Wildcats are the cream of our Rugby League imaginary BFFs. This weekend we sent out the following squad of 25 fuck-off awesome boys to do battle on the field:

Jason Nightingale Michael Robertson Josh Morris Matt Cooper Wendell Sailor Terry Campese Scott Prince Joe Picker Ben Creagh Craig Fitzgibbon (c) Masada Iosefa Robbie Farah Justin Poore

Daine Laurie Terence Seu Seu Beau Falloon Dean Young Mitch Aubusson Blake Ayshford Ben Hornby Josh Lewis Manu Vatuvei Kevin Gordon Brett Morris Preston Campbell

The Hottie McHothots are … well if you don’t get that then you’re not even gonna find this funny. Maybe go have a quick shandy and meet me back here in five.

Picking this team for the weekend took our blood, sweat and tears. For reals. Being a supercoach is tough, bitches. I dunno how Des Hasler does it. Eventually we got to the point where I screamed at Lozzy:

IT’S SO HARD FITTING ALL THE HOT IN AND STAYING UNDER THE SALARY CAP.

Between that and the infuriated emergency telegram-style email I sent to the online support staff about the Wildcats, I was one martini away from being Shirley MacLaine and/or Meryl Streep in Postcards from the Edge.

It went something like this:

There is no Ben Hornby in the players list for fantasy NRL! It’s a travesty! Pls reply soonest with Ben Hornby information. Kind regards.

In the words of Kiki, WHY IS HORNBAG ALWAYS FORGOTTEN? However, the reply went something like:

Thank you for your email.

That player is definitely available for selection in both the Halfback and Fullback positions.

Kind Regards,

SO HE WAS RIGHT THERE THE WHOLE TIME?  THEN WHY COULDN’T I FIND HIM? I had to have a xanax before I even tried again.

In the end we fielded a full squad of hot bitch:

Will Zillman Joel Moon Matt Cooper (c) Michael Robertson John Williams Kayne Lawton Scott Prince Matt Bell Joe Picker Luke O’Donnell Josh Cordoba Matt Ballin Michael Witt

Matt Bowen Will Chambers Blake Ayshford Ashley Graham Terry Campese Luke Capewell Steve Price Justin Poore Ashton Sims Jarrod Saffy Hep Cahill Lucas Miller

As you may have noticed, we are idiots and forgot to log back in and remove Michael Witt. WE JUST GOT OVERWHELMED, ok?

[And it tells us that 8 of our players got no points at all. EIGHT OF THEM. - Kizzy]

Shhh Kizzy this is a carefully constructed team.  We are investing in players on their way to the top. We just have to believe.  As in: I believe the chiiildren are our future. Alternatively, maybe we have no idea what we’re doing.

We did also have our Patron Saint Dave Williams in the squad, but injury meant he couldn’t play this week. We’re super-grateful to Robbo for stepping in and taking over his position on the wing. Nonetheless, here’s an artist’s impression to help you imagine what might have beeeen:

[I spent a Friday evening at home trying to photoshop the boys' heads on top of our fantasy jerseys. It ... didn't work that well, so I had to settle for just Dave cause there was a pic of his head in the right position. Photoshopping fantasy rugby league jerseys ... I am so cool. - lozzy]

You may also enjoy that you have to enter a Coach Name for your team, and the Hotties are coached by Our Pants. WHICH IS TRUE. Seeing ‘Welcome, Our Pants’ whenever we log in never gets old.

THIS IS HOW THE FIRST ROUND WENT:

Well. If the Round 1 results are anything to go by, a sexy team is also a kind of shit team.

The Hottie McHotHots Round 1 Score – 576. Position on ladder – 13

The Oh Errol Wildcats Round 1 Score – 815. Position on ladder – 5

As you can see, Likability is clearly kicking Attractiveness’ ass. IT’S SO HARD BEING PRETTY. Maybe we should rethink the Hotties training style? It looks like the naked stretching we’ve been putting them through isn’t doing any favours.

Next Monday we’ll update you on how the boys are going and where they are on the league’s ladder. We’ll also update you on how the new and exciting rookies (read: really cheap buys) in our squads are shaping up.

Meanwhile the actual scoring rules are kind of complicated and we can’t be bothered explaining, but you can read all the rules/email them about ben hornby/ask about what algorithms they are using over at the tele website if you are so inclined.  VIVA WILDCATS!