You knew we were gonna say it … didn’t you?  After our lengthy discussion last week about whether Queenslanders have trotters instead of feet (they totally do) we finally have proof. Proof in the form of Queenslander Ben Hannant and his positive test for Swine Flu.

WE KNEW IT. WE LOVE BEING RIGHT.

So in the interests of protecting the non-porcine members of the NRL, all the Queensland Origin boys are being quarantined from their regular teammates. No more eating at the same trough, sleeping in the same barn and rolling in the same mud. Instead it’s all face-masks and Tamiflu for the maroons this week.

The NSWRL consider redesigning the Blues’ State of Origin uniforms.

And I would like to take this opportunity to say: You bastards! Usually it’s my favourite thing of all when embarassing things happen to Queenslanders .. but today I found out the adorable Bert from Country Rugby League has been quarantined. THOSE FILTHY QUEENSLANDERS INFECTED NSW TOO! Is this some kind of Queensland sabotage scheme to help them win a fourth Origin series? We always knew all bad things came out of Queensland.

Meanwhile we are bloggers (ie we have no lives) so if Bert gets lonely he should just call us and we’ll come over with movies and braid his hair and entertain him. We can wear SARS masks in our NRL team colours and everything. We love you, Bert!

Bert works remotely from his Swine Flu bubble.

I’ll admit though, I am starting to feel a little bit sorry for Ben Hannant. First he gets publically outed with the runs, now he’s the NRL’s first Swine Flu casualty. Either there’s someone out there with a Ben Hannant voodoo doll and a really black sense of humour, or he played some really embarassing practical jokes on the other kids in primary school and has some violent humiliation karma stored up in the universe.

Ben Hannant gets increasingly lonely and desperate for friends in quarantine.

If I wasn’t scared of a) getting Swine Flu, and b) getting poked in the eye by one of his trotters, I would totally offer to give him a hug.

This story would also be a whole lot funnier if I wasn’t writing this …. from Queensland. We came up for a little long weekend Errol conference on the Gold Coast, and to see the Titans play the Dragons on Monday night, now we find ourselves in the middle of a fucking rugby league Swine Flu drama. Nothing worse than trying to deal with Swine Flu on a hangover. Right, Robbie Farah?

Lucky for all of us Israel Folau and Sam Thaiday have been holding jumpers over their faces while they walk around being filmed by the press. That’ll save us! Nothing stops disease like a knitted acrylic!

At least the Broncos tried. Apparently no one at the Dragons remembered to tell Darius ‘Astro’ Boyd that he is a Swine Flu pariah and wasn’t meant to be wandering around in the locker room at Skilled Stadium before the Dragons played the Titans.

And yes, that is Astro Boyd loitering in front of a bottle recycling bin, even though he is quite clearly not holding anything even close to a bottle. It’s possible this is because he is poorly informed about recycling, and just doesn’t understand what yellow lids mean. But I am 99% sure it was because he was ronery and just really wanted someone to talk to since the rest of the Dragons keep ignoring him cause he never passes the ball. I guess that’s a good thing, cause it means they probably won’t be infected. Kiki says thanks for being a ball-hog, Darius. V. considerate of you.

Turns out that one good thing about sucking as much as my Roosters do this season is that when you have no players selected for Origin, you get to stay safe from disease. We is healthy, healthy losers. I’m sorry, what did you say? Did you say I am clutching desperately at straws to distract myself from the fact that my team is now at the bottom of the ladder?

Pic. Anthony Johnson / smh.com.au

Well spotted, cause I was. On Sunday night when I was getting my face on for a night on the town in Surfers, Lozzy and Kiki kindly got me out of the shower and into the hall just so they could tell me that the Sharks had won a game … and my team was officially coming last. I literally lay down in the hall in my towel motionless for a good five minutes. Being better than the Sharks was all I had!

To make up for their two wins in a row, though, the Sharks Club mustered up another scandal involving Tony Zappia and his resignation. Well done, Sharkies. David Gallop says the NRL are gonna leave them to their own devices and won’t have an intervention. I say that’s a wasted opportunity.

Have you ever seen Intervention? That show is AMAZING. It’s the most addictive television I’ve ever seen. You know it’s wrong but you just can’t help watching. One time I even cried. If I was in charge I’d totally be holding a Sharks intervention. They could hold it in the Shire and televise it to raise enough money to pay off the Sharks’ ridiculous debt. People love watching other people who have worse problems than they do. It would be a ratings blockbuster. Sigh.

Meanwhile since Brett Finch left the Eels to go to the Storm, it seems like it’s partytime all around. The Eels now have Daniel (Son of Pete) Mortimer and Jeff Robson in the halves and flattened the Knights at home. Turns out Dan Dan Mortimer doesn’t just have the prettiest eyes in league, he also has a fucking nifty kicking game.

And my favourite double-double-named NRL player Fui Fui Moi Moi has taken over from Steve Matai as Ray Warren’s fave hairstyle in the NRL. Rabs never talks about his man Matai’s cornrows anymore … it’s all Fui Fui and his braids. He thinks, and I quote: “It’s a celebration!” And according to the Queensland Channel 9 sports reporter, his ‘hair tips’ match his jersey. HAIR TIPS? Like … a big book of hair tips? God Queenslanders are so weird.

Pic. Darren Pateman

I think it makes him look youthful … no?

And down in Melbourne Finch is working it Johnathan Thurston style:

…. it’s Brett Finch, BITCH.

No wonder he’s so happy. He’s obviously in the honeymoon stages of a Cooper Cronk bromance. Peeing together in the street, and rocking out shirtless in the locker room together. The Melby dressing room is starting to look like Arq (aka shirtless heaven) … so I totally get it. I have had some damn good nights out at Arq in my time.

In my mind they’re dancing to Kelly Rowland and the Cher megamix.

*discos out of the post*

Thanks as always to BS for the fabulous screen caps. Love you!

News time! Let’s talk all the footy bizness that has happened this week. And by ‘bizness’ I mean people that are hot, and things that make me laugh.

Thomas J is that you?

Ok, that’s a lie. This first thing made me sad, sad, sad. Mitchell Pearce had an allergic reaction to his local anaesthetic. ALLERGIC REACTION. But despite his crazy swollen Craig Gower face, Mitchy still played on Saturday in the ANZAC day game against the Dragons. Way to twist mah heart, Mitchell.

Not to mention that he was catching kicks from the opposition with his lightning-fast reflexes … even though he couldn’t see properly. Maybe it was like when people are born blind and their other senses heighten as a result? Mitchell has six senses! Or something.

I want him to know though, I’m not being cruel here. I don’t wanna mock Mitchell. Cause I’m a Roosters fan … and a massive nerd. Like as a kid I was allergic to dairy, so if I went to school camp and mum didn’t send me with a carton of soy milk, I couldn’t have cereal. True story.

Or the time I stepped out of the car in the country, barefoot, onto a bee and had an allergic reaction.

Those are some SCARY motherfuckers.

Not to mention the time that Kiki had an allergic reaction to a horse / a face mask / an injection and had a swollen face / hives / a lip that touched her nose. WE FEEL YOUR PAIN MITCHELL. We really do. We are your sisters in allergic arms. Perhaps we could all move into hypoallergenic bubbles.

Onto the Tigers. The boys out west have obviously been paying attention to the league bad press and decided to encourage their boys to be industrious little readers. Because everyone knows people who read are good and productive citizens. Can’t punch someone with a book in your hand! Yes, you can probably hit them with the book, but how often do you hear about scandalous book attacks? Not often. Can’t argue with statistics.

They even organised what looks like some kind of Tigers bookclub where the boys can discuss their books of choice, character, theme and metaphor. Footy training isn’t just about being buff, kittens!

In my mind it goes something like:

Tim Sheens: OK, from now on we’re alternating Cindy Crawford’s “Aerobicise” and “Buns of Steel”, and reading one non-school book a week. My first book is “Fit or Fat”.

Robbie Farah: Mine is “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”.

But what are the boys actually reading this week? Let’s start with Timmy Moltzen. What have you been reading this week, Timothy? Pretty sure that’s Sophie Kinsella’s Confessions of a Shopaholic.

Apparently Tim was so inspired by Isla Fisher in the movie that he dashed out to Borders to grab the book. No need to be ashamed, darlin. Everyone loves a good chick lit novel. And no judgment from me, Timmy, cause I totally like those cheesy airport thrillers that have ‘ADJECTIVE NOUN’ names, like Fatal Danger or Deadly Bones or Red Tide. That’s way worse.

Tatiana Gregorieva trains with the Brisbane Broncos

Maybe now the Tiges boys are taking care of their bodies and minds, next Tim Sheens can introduce them to the challenging world of bare midriffs. Peter Wallace can give them some tips. Nice sports bra, Pete.

Will cure hangovers, will not win elections.

This week I also love that I was right about Chinesegate over at the Parramatta leagues club. I LOVE BEING RIGHT ABOUT STUFF. I knew that shit wouldn’t work! I am pretty much a political genius. Like Rahm Emmanuel. Just as badass, but I never got half of one of my fingers chopped off in an Arby’s meat slicer … yet.

And while we’re talking love-ins, no one is more loved up than big Dell. Wendell didn’t even play in the ANZAC Day match but no one can stop talking about him. Bitches lovvvve Big dell.

Brent Tate wants him in the Aussie team for the test match against the kiwis next week. OMG ME TOO BRENT TATE! I would put dell in every team if I could. Not to mention that this is honestly the first time I have read about Tate *cough*dirtyqueenslander*cough* without feeling a surge of bile and/or distaste, which I reckon is pretty much proof that Dell can spread love anywhere. He’s like Jesus. Jesus if he wore a pimpin’ white tracksuit and a sideways cap.

Darren Lockyer was asked if he would ever consider moving to the Dragons and said:

“I’d have to listen to my mate Wendell Sailor all day and I don’t know if I could deal with that again.”

… which is totally the rugby league equivalent of pulling a girl’s hair in the playground. LOVAHS! LOVAAAAAAAHS! I wonder if Daz will give Dell a special box of hair ribbons for Christmas like my crush gave me in year one? (Hi Thomas, btw. Hope you got that orthodontic situation sorted out).

It’s possible that Dell also cured Anthony Quinn after his awful awful exit from the field on Saturday. Not Quinny! One of the only Storm players we like! We thought we were scarred by seeing poor Cameron Ciraldo injure his leg during a game, but it was truly upsetting seeing poor Quinny’s pink legs trembling on the grass. We’re super super glad that he’s recovered from what looked like a seizure to be up and at em and … chillin with his puppy, Honey.

… is Honey lying on one of her relos?
Pic. Michael Klein via news.com.au

Our Melby Errol spies also tell us that as Quinny was wheeled away in the ambulance he tried to leap to his feet, bust out of the ambulance and get back on the field to play. He also asked ‘what’s for dinner?’. Oh, Quinny. Apparently seizures really build up an appetite.

Meanwhile head of my shitlist is whoever decided Luke O’Donnell deserves a week out for punching. Did they not see it? Dammmn that was hot. And clearly the world thinks so, or Fight Club wouldn’t have been an international success. It’s like they don’t even THINK about the Hottie McHotHots when they make these kinds of decisions. BAH.

Now let’s conclude the news, as is traditional, by looking at cute pictures of pandas:

Massive thanks, as always, to our fave blog for the screencaps. Kisses for you, BS.

So apparently this week, rugby league is brought to you by The West Wing.  Shit is getting political out Parramatta way. The Parra club board elections are coming up and the 3P rebel squad are running for election.  Except apparently CEO Denis Fitzgerald has been busy sitting in his office chair and stroking his fluffy cat and devising an evil and ingenious way to ensure that doesn’t happen.  ELECTORAL FRAUUUUUD.

If you’re wondering, the Board is supposed to be securing victory by mailing out $30 vouchers for the Parra Leagues Chinese restaurant to any member who sounds vaguely Asian, valid for the night of the election, to try and lure them into the club and get them to vote. Who knew that Chinese people were such fans of Denis Fitzgerald? Not I.

May not be actual Parramatta CEO

First of all, what kind of hack is the person who came up with this? *cough Denis*cough* Couldn’t they at least have come up with something original?  At least two Fijian coups, one US impeachment and the Bolshevik revolution were made possible by the mass distribution of Chicken Chow Mein. Plus this is quite clearly identical to the plot George W. Bush ran in Florida to shonkily defeat Al Gore in 2000. You know it’s true.

Anyway, if I was a 3P supporter, instead of getting riled up, I’d just rest easy. Sif the plan is going to work. When have you ever seen an Chinese person eating Chinese food at a leagues club? I’ve been to many a leagues club in my time, and never have I ever seen an Asian person of any kind putting down their laminated menu and ordering the Sweet and Sour Pork.  Those places are straight up for whities.

I kinda love them though, so if anyone who doesn’t enjoy Leagues Club Sang Choi Bow got one of those babies in the mail, or there are any lurking around Parra, feel free to send it on to Errol HQ. The boys love an outing. Plus better they come to us than end up with the players. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. STOP GIVING JARRYD HAYNE FOOD VOUCHERS.

Meanwhile know what we’re gonna talk about next? Not the Roosters.  Come on down … Tigers!  I kind of enjoy seeing the Storm get beaten. I like to pretend that it’s really Queensland, and they’re being beaten by the Blues. Siiiiigh. The crowd at Leichhardt was going crazy, and at the very last moment ‘the colt from Campbelltown’ Chris Lawrence ran in a truly surprising try.

Benji Marshall does what we all want to.
Pic. Steve Christo

You see Billy Slater is apparently the world’s fastest man, strongest man, best man at driving hatchbacks, best fry cook and possibly Jesus. TV told me so. And I accepted this because I adore TV and don’t believe it would ever lie to me, but apparently … TV WAS WRONG. There is something faster than Billy the Kid and that something is Chris Lawrence.

Chris adopts the downward dog pose to express his joy
Pic. Steve Christo

Even Robbie Farah lifted after his struggles of an effort in Round 5 and gave us an amazing score for our fantasy team.

Do I get to stay in the Wildcats now?

I hope the boys keep up their winning streak too. If nothing else so that Tim Sheens can keep his coaching job.

Meanwhile, Tigers coach Tim Sheens said while his team had suffered two disappointing losses after a reasonable start to the season it was “not at wrist-cutting situation or anything like that”.

Is that a technical footy term, Tim? This is a man who does not have a future in counselling and psychology.

I do have future careers picked out for a few of the boys thought. Craig Fitzgibbon is already Frank-Paul Nuuausala’s recipe-advisor and organic food guru … if he can get Frank-Paul slimmed down, I will be all over the Fitzy’s Cooking range of books and dvds.  Just like Paula Deen! But bald!

I also can’t wait till Steve Price quits footy and hits the road as a deadpan, self-deprecating, Stephen wright-esque comedian:

When captain Steve Price pointed to the posts for Kemp’s penalty, he thought they had done enough. “Then we went in a huddle [for full-time], and I realised it was 16-16,” he said. “Maybe not enough oxygen getting to the brain. It’s funny … but it’s not really funny.”

Oh, Steve.

Meanwhile the other day we announced on Twitter that Michael Gordon is totally in the running for a nomination as Hottest Bitch in League, 2009. And like, actually in the running, not just alive and breathing, which seems to be the only requirement for being in the NSW State of Origin squad.

… we think that counts as a seconding of that nomination. Thanks Joshie Morris.

Screencap from the lovely Art1e.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HELEN JOEL

It’s Joel Monaghan’s birthday today! Variously known as reigning Ranga of the Year 2008 (to all of us here at Errol HQ) and the ‘unknown man’ (to whomever does the subediting at news.com.au) … our man Monas is now officially 27.

Happy birthday baby! I think he really enjoyed the singing cake-o-gram we sent him this morning, too. We are always thinking of others.

If I had to guess, I’d say picking his favourite gift of the day was a really tricky choice between the singing cake and the fact that he was named in the NSW State of Origin squad announced today. Wheeee, origin! ONLY SIX WEEKS TO GO, KITTENS!

ORIGIN SQUAD 2009 – SQUAD OF LIESSSSS

As soon as I read this and saw that it included Benny Creagh/Justin Poore/Patron Saint Dave Williams/Robbie Farah/Michael Jennings/Michael Weyman/Trent Waterhouse/T.Camps, but omitted Noddy Kimmorley/Jamie Soward/Nathan Hindmarsh I was variously overjoyed and outraged.

I also thought that Nick Tedeschi over at Punting Ace would be absolutely beside himself that the Colin Best Express is in the squad.

Except then I read this:

So it’s not really a squad then … so much as, say, a jumping off point from which to start negotiations?

Not to mention the fact that it has forty people in it. Aren’t there only 400 players registered in the NRL? And surely at least half of them are British/Polynesian/Kiwi. Once you take out the Queenslanders, doesn’t that include pretty much every person in the NRL who’s from NSW? Man, I’d be pissed if I was left out.

Chris Lawrence (also known as THE MAN WHO IS FASTER THAN BILLY SLATER … OH YEAH! *thrust*) calls it “a good indication that they’re thinking about you.”

Aaaah, so it’s like a State of Origin bat-of-the-eyelashes. The selectors are the pretty girl at school who’ll give you a look that says maaaaaybe I’ll go to the dance with you, but only if I don’t get a better offer. Bitch is triflin. For real.

The squad will come together next week to discuss the entire State of Origin program, including training schedules, gear fittings, media and team photos.

Apparently all you get out of being in the squad is that you get to go to meetings and discuss what outfits you’re going to wear. Actually I guess that is pretty important when you’re about to be watched by a yet-to-be-determined proportion of the entire population of at least two whole states. Personally, I hope this year they go with pleated skirts and knee socks like in A League of their Own.

L-R: Glenn Stewart, Joel Monaghan, Luke O’Donnell, Michael Jennings and Trent Waterhouse (embracing), and James McManus celebrate a NSW victory.

INVOLUNTARY REP-SPONSE

See what I did there!? Took a real phrase and misspelled it so it refers to REP-resentative football. God, I’m good. Anyway, before we get to the squad list, I warn you that when you read it you’ll see those two magic words: Jamie Lyon.  Ummm … what the fuck? How many times can one man say he doesn’t want to play? As far as I can tell he has:

a) told Craig Bellamy over the phone;

b) written to the ARL;

c) burned it into his front lawn with weed-killer, and

d) told Laurie Daley via coconut phone.

… nyello, Jamie? Go ahead, I’m listening.

THANKS BUT NO THANKS, BITCHES. I’m kinda starting to feel sorry for him. What’s the point of even putting him in the team if he would rather not be there? Can you force a man to play involuntary rep football?

You know he’ll just keep quiet until training starts, then turn up with a note saying he has period cramps, like I did when I didn’t want to practise life-saving and rescuscitation in the disgusting UNSW pool in year nine. Which was pretty much every week for two semesters. (Clearly I care not for saving lives. That’s what the Bondi Rescue boys are for).

Ther’s one other thing, though: I honestly can’t even talk about this without it blowing mah mind. Jamie Lyon doesn’t want to play Origin. Doesn’t … want … to. Would rather … not. It’s like hearing “back off Hot Bitch, you’re close enough for me to smell your cologne” or “does this top come in maroon?”

Especially since every year when I go to Origin I am deadset thisclose to running on the field. I’M READY! PICK ME! I have a nifty little sidestep, a really overactive imagination, and I think I would make an excellent centre. I could partner Matt Cooper. Heh … partner. Apparently I even have a really disconcerting habit of leaping to my feet whenever there’s a fight and miming frenzied uppercuts. I JUST REALLY LOVE MY STATE OK?

And I figure if you don’t wanna be a Blue … you aren’t one. Apparently where you are from and where you grew up and where you started playing mean little to nothing in representative league (Hi Greg Inglis and Flossy Nightingale!) so let’s just base it on desire instead. Which disqualifies Jamie for 2009.  Moving on … NEXT!

Go ahead and have a read of the squad and get ready to hear our own NSW Origin team later this week. Kiki is actually in the back room with the interns and a box of wine right now (poppas for Lachie) moving little blue toy soldiers around on the table figuring out who should go where. And when we’re done we’ll reveal all in OUR PLAN TO REGAIN THE ORIGIN TROPHY.  *uppercut*

THE “JUMPING OFF” SQUAD:

Luke Bailey (Titans), Colin Best (Rabbitohs), Terry Campese (Raiders), Matt Cooper (Dragons), Ben Creagh (Dragons), Ben Cross (Knights), Michael Ennis (Bulldogs), Robbie Farah (Wests Tigers), Paul Gallen (Sharks), Keith Galloway (Wests Tigers), Kurt Gidley (Knights) Jarryd Hayne (Eels), Ryan Hoffman (Storm), Michael Jennings (Panthers), Brent Kite (Sea Eagles), Anthony Laffranchi (Titans), Chris Lawrence (Wests Tigers), Luke Lewis (Panthers), Jamie Lyon (Sea Eagles), James McManus (Knights), Mark Minichiello (Titans), Joel Monaghan (Raiders), Josh Morris (Bulldogs), Jarrod Mullen (Knights) Luke O’Donnell (Cowboys), Mitchell Pearce (Roosters), Josh Perry (Sea Eagles), Justin Poore (Dragons), Anthony Quinn (Storm), Michael Robertson (Sea Eagles) Brett Stewart (Sea Eagles), Glenn Stewart (Sea Eagles), John Sutton (Rabbitohs), Alan Tongue (Raiders), Anthony Tupou (Sharks), Peter Wallace (Broncos), Trent Waterhouse (Panthers), Anthony Watmough (Sea Eagles), Michael Weyman (Dragons), David Williams (Sea Eagles).

Last weekend’s footy was a veritable festival of lolz. The Lolz Festival! I would totally go to that. Who am I kidding, I would be straight out performing. No…HEADLINING. Youse are all invited backstage of course. Together we will make that rider our bitch.

Err anyway, because Sassy and I are literally married we have a system where we support each others teams. She has been to the last few Dragons games with me, so this last Friday it was my turn to accompany her to watch the Chooks.  We proceeded to get quite drunk at our friend’s BBQ (hi Denee!) then tottled off to the footy.

To put it mildly, what a crap game. The atmosphere was non existent (sup cricket crowd!) and the first half was like watching a reggies match. The Chooks served up some of their trademark ridiculousness, including a player getting up to play the ball to no one, looking around to find a guy behind him….who was also looking around searching for someone. I squealed in horror and spilt my drink. THANKS CHOOKS. Those drinks deadset cost 15 dollars.

Meanwhile I spent most of the game trying to figure out how to get live scores from the Dragons game on my fone. I gave up and went back to the BBQ, hopped on Denee’s laptop and was delighted to see my babies came up with a win. Not a huge suprise, but god knows I love seeing the boys on the top of the table. I even did my Top Of The Table Dance which is basically star jumps until I get buggered and fall on the floor clutching my side in pain.

In natural light, Kiki’s bronzer looked decidedly greenish

Afterwards we walked stumbled down to the Leagues Club to meet some of the Bondi Rescue boys for a drink (I know, I know, we are such total celebs. Autograph line to left…). After way too many Smirnoff Blacks we decided it would be an awesome idea to accost poor Shaun Kenny-Dowall and ask him vitally important questions like ‘SKD! WHY DID U WEAR THONGS IN YOUR GODS OF FOOTBALL SHOOT? IS IT COZ YOU’RE SCARED OF GETTING TINEA?’

To his credit, he was very gracious and tolerant of our crazy. Also, we would like to apologise for terrorising some of the baby Chooks. Specifically to Sandor Earl for bringing up trimmed man pubes in our first ever conversation.

Back to the Dragons. Sadly Hot Bitch Cooper is STILL out, but obviously Channel 9 read Errol (well duh, who doesn’t) and decided to give me some sideline action to soothe my pain.

Joey - So Coops, how does it feel when Kiki violates you on the internet?
Hot Bitch – Yeh mate…not bad. Wish she would stop doing that heavy breathing thing on my voicemail though.

Tiny Dancer Soward continues to be an amazing human. Going great guns for the Drags, and more importantly for our beloved fantasy teams. His pre goal kicking dance routine is one of the top 5 greatest things about league. Like, ever. Obviously the Parra crowd doesn’t think so, those bitches were all up his business with their boos. Poor ignorant people. Everyone knows you do NOT interrupt Sowie Kapowie.

UM EXCUSE ME FUCKERS…BIT OF SHOOSH FOR MAH DANCE OKAY?

Sassy and I also watched the Cowboys v Titans. We don’t really care about either team, we just didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to watch not one but TWO teams in white shorts. Specially when said teams include Willy Zilly, John John and Luke O’Donnell. Granted, it did take us approximately 20 mins to figure out why the Cowboys looked to be playing in the Newtown Jets strip (hehe…strip), but it was totally worth it.

Onto Monday night footy. I tipped the Bunnies because well… it was Easter. Flawless logic right? WRONG. DAMN YOU RABBITOHS. Thankfully though, this game delivered two things I love: biff and lolz.

The biff was….okay, I wasn’t watching that closely. I’m still not quite sure what started it. But it sure escalated into something kind of amazing pretty quickly. Nothing says celebrating the resurrection of Christ like fisticuffs on the footy field right? We were delighted to see the muchly adorable Benny Lowe right in the middle of it. The man has curls, a sweet tan, great pins and most importantly…dimples. Clearly a new Errol fave.

This brawl’s for you, Jesus!

And then there were the lolz. These lolz stemmed from severe embarassment. Which everyone knows is the best kind of lolz. As the boys ran on for half time, a rain soaked Andy Raymond informed us that Ben Hannant wouldn’t be returning for awhile because he had a, and I quote, “case of the runs”. Oh….my god. As if tap arse isn’t embarassing enough on it’s own, now the poor bloke has to have it reported as news on national television.

Because my brother and I are basically 12 yr olds, we dissolved into a fit of giggles and started imagining if Hannant shat his pants whilst on the field. Would he have to go to the….Shit Bin? Would the ref stop the game? YOU…HANNANT..SHIT BIN! GET YOURSELF CLEANED UP! Would the trainers whack him in an adult diaper, give him a change of shorts and send him back on out there? Or maybe even…stitch his ass up?

And on that charming note, I’ll see you next week.

Screencaps from the awesome BS. Shooshing the crowd joke unashamedly stolen from Lozzy.

So we’re officially back in footy season, hurrah! And obviously we don’t just bring you our incredibly informative game recaps, we also like to hook you up with what the teams get up to at training and recovery. 

If nothing else, it should help you with your tips.

You certainly shouldn’t listen to me and my ‘intuition’, because after round 4 I am now sitting on an average of just over four correct tips a week.  Four!  Out of Eight!  

Do you know what that means? It means that my brain … my human brain, that biological miracle, that unbelievably complex labyrinth of nerve and synapse; when it comes to tipping, using my brain is pretty much as effective as using a coin.  My brain is no smarter than a small round disc made of brass. True story.

Anyway. Last week it was all about the water recovery session. And I’ve realised you can pretty much track the boys progress by their water sessions. Check out the Raiders last week rocking out in the Canberra aquatic center:

Is T Camps … singing? Why I do believe he is. Just bustin out a few showtunes as he jogs around the lap pool. Washing away the memory of getting beaten by the Eels and that bitch of a ref who disallowed their AWESOME split-scrum try.

And just look at the boys rocking out in the background.  For some reason we especially love the thought of Trevor Thurling joining in.  Or as some of our fans like to call him, Sexmachine Trevor Thurling.

There really IS nothin like a dame!

End result: a reinvigorated attack and glorious victory over the Cowboys down in Canberra.

Compare and contrast Boromir from Lord of the Rings Nathan Hindmarsh over at the Eels’ recovery:

No one ever wants to re-enact Grease with me.

… and if they do I never get to be Kenicki.

and the happy-clappy Roosters having superfuntimes rolling around on the grass at Moore Park:

How happy is Shaun Kenny-Dowall?  He just REALLY LOVES ROLLING.  I tried so so hard to stay pissed off at the Roosters after their loss to the Tigers, then I saw this and … I can’t stay mad at you babies.  Especially you Shaun Kenny-Dowall.  I adore him.  I have no idea why, I JUST DO.  

We even have a special Errol nickname for him that I’m only allowed to yell from the sideline and not allowed to say on Errol.  The girls have forbidden me, because … well because it sounds kind of offensive.  But I swear I SAY IT WITH LOVE.

And the point is this: when the miserable pool-going Parra came up against the We!Love!Rolling! Roosters at the SFS, the Roosters took those bitches down.  A happy team is a winning team. It’s just Fact. You can’t argue with science!

So I’m going to save you, oh, about 2 seconds indecision, and tell you not to waste your money on the Sharks this weekend. Bitches are miserable. Just look at them:

Toops looks like he really regrets not being able to stick with the Roosters and roll his cares away. He is so going home to eat an entire cheesecake and pass out in a food coma in his boxers. Ben Pomeroy also probably has several bruises.

The Pom has difficulty walking with flippers. Even though the flippers aren’t on his feet.

And I’m gonna put my money on the Dragons too. For one thing because Jamie ‘Tiny Dancer’ Soward and Baby Chase Stanley look like happy little kids out there on their surfboards. But also because Lozzy might cut me if I don’t.

You see Jamie Soward has worked his mojo on Lozzy. He won her over with his cheeky grin and the little dance he does before he kicks for goal.  You know the one: the chicken dance in a circle, followed by the march, the pause, and the little prance as he kicks.  The one Phil Gould describes as ‘like my cat about to do a shit’. Why do you think we call him Tiny Dancer?

Well it seems Tiny Dancer is rapidly catching up to T Camps as her favourite footy player, and I always have to support the girls’ teams. I’m a good friend like that.

Helllooooo chickens!

Apologies for the lack of posting lately. I’ve been struck down by some sort of ghastly death cough and have been struggling to breathe/walk/live for the past week. I am starting to think Greg Inglis might have constructed some sort of Kiki voodoo doll and been sticking pins into the tiny tiny doll lungs. Seriously Gregory, it’s a bit much isn’t it? Just because I bag out your bizzarely oily hair, publicly accuse you of being a traitor to your state (YOU’RE FROM NSW AND YOU KNOW IT BITCH) and loathe your team…do I really deserve this sort of vengeful treatment?

Anyway Mister Soul Glo, I get the point okay? Lay off doll Kiki for awhile will ya? For the love of god LET ME BREATHE AGAIN. Thx.

(Note that is my hair photoshopped onto a voodoo doll. I know I know, I am clever and hilarious.)

Anyway,  am one sick lady right now. Unfortunately last weekend was booked chock full weeks in advance and because I am loyal, brave and generally amazing I refused to cancel anything. Ain’t no way I was ditching Lozzy’s birthday, supporting Sassy and her woeful Chookies and most importantly (sorry girls) … my beloved Dragons returning to Kogarah.  R2K BABYYYYYY!

Ohhh my it was amazing. The refurbished stadium looks absolutely stunning and the atmosphere was electric. Yep, electric. Lets break it down shall we?

1) We had seats in the new grandstand which had the greatest view of the hill (and the footy obvs). It was bathed in glorious red and white, with only a small section of those filthy Sharks fans polluting the scene.  The first try we scored the crowd went WILD and I well….well I got goosebumps. Actual goosebumps. I showed the girls and they mocked me [I did NOT! I said 'awww'. I get goosebumps during TV season finales. We all have our things - L]. I was mortified until Sassy reminded me of that time when we both got goosies while listening to Wes Carr’s NRL theme song in the car. Yes, we are really that lame.

2) Kogarah is such an incredible ground that Sassy has decided she is going to cheat on the Roosters and have an affair with the Dragons. Did you hear that Chooks? You drove her to footy adultery! We are currently in the process of signing her up to get a Red V membership and everything. I’m not joking people. (The fact that being a Red V member means you can go to after match functions and stalk the Big Dell is only approx 56% part of the reason she’s joining)

2) The demise of Hot Bitch Cooper. NOOOOO! I promised Lozzy an uninterrupted view of Hot Bitch for her birthday, but his hammy made a liar out of me. You see readers, seeing him on TV is one thing….but in person it’s a whole other thing. TV doesn’t capture the way he prowls around the field like he owns the bitch or bends over during plays (hello ass!). It definitely doesn’t capture his ridiculously intense sex-is-on-fireness. [I think seeing Hot Bitch in person is kind of a rite of passage. Sort of like the Bar Mitzvah or Deb Ball of Rugby League - L]

We were all soooooo sad times. Let’s console ourselves with some my own Hot Bitch photography shall we? I took these during the Titans game. There’s alot of ass because we were sitting behind the goal posts. Also, I am a pervert.

Ahhhhh yes. V.nice.

4) B.MOZZZZZZ! Oooooh we are so proud of you baby! We are absolute Morris twin freaks here at Errol. I cried sad sad tears last year when I realised they would be separated (THANKS GASNIER GRRR). My sadness was compounded this year when Bretty wasn’t named in the starting line up for the first two weeks. What an absolute bloody JOKE. I was outraged, as was everyone in the Errol office.  Even more upsetting was the fact a small percentage of Dragons (ones I don’t like…boooo!) fans took this opportunity to lay into him, call him mean names and imply he’s useless.

Well after the weekends awesome performances may I just say – NOT SO USELESS ANYMORE HUH BITCHES. SUCK IT HATERS.

He had a ripper of a game. He was all line breaks and big runs and awesomeness. And….look at that face! It would make angels weep! I think I used that expression for Shillo last year, but clearly it is even more applicable here. Anyway, Bretty is getting another run against Brisbane this Friday night and needless to say we will be cheering him on in our loungerooms. If we weren’t so lazy we would totally hit Lincraft, get busy with some glitter glue and sequins and whip up some handmade  WE LUV YOU B.MOZ t shirts. [And can I just say, I may not have got to see much of Hot Bitch for my birthday, but I did get some Bretty. THANKS UNIVERSE! - L]

Okay, now onto the other games. Yes apparently there are other teams in the NRL apart from the Dragons…who knew!

Once again I watched pretty much every game. Highlights include -

a)  the Broncos Alex Glenn giggling with delight as he scored a try against the Warriors. It was very Flossy-esque. More of that please Mr Glenn!

b) Us bursting into fits of lolz every time David Taylor came onto the screen. BABY OR BREAKFAST BURRITO?

c) The unspeakable rage of Des Hasler. Wow….just….WOW. Just when you think you’ve seen the peak of Dessie’s anger, he reaches a whole new level. Dessie’s performance in the coach’s box on Monday night was a sight to behold. I have this thing where sometimes I get so mad I don’t know how to express it and simply make lots of tiny jerky movements. Tiny tiny movements full of rage. Dessie did the exact same thing. Oh how I laughed/felt fearful for Manly players.

d) As much as it totally fucked up my tips, I was all over the Panthers gutsy win. That was some awesome football. Well done children! And yes, children is totally the appropriate word here because the games superstars were none other than our work experience boy Lachlan Coote and Errol Cutest Rookie of the Year nominee, Wade Graham.

By the way: looks like the Panthers’ Irish dancing classes were starting to kick in

At this juncture I would like to point out that we are what some would call ‘trailblazers’. Footy trailblazers.

Who wrote about Marc ‘The Herb’ Herbert before he even played a game? WE DID. Who featured Kayne Lawton in the Hot Man News months before he was picked to be a God of Football? WE DID. Who discussed Davey Williams awesomeness/hotness literally months before the rest of the world caught on? WE DID. And who hired Lachie and cooed over Wade (and his beautiful eyelashes) a loooong time before most people even knew their names? OH YEH, IT’S US.

So footy players, if you crave superstardom all you have to do is get us on side. Being an Errol favourite is like winning the lottery. Yep.

See you next week cupcakes!

My distress has kinda subsided since Sunday, and I think I’m ready to say something about the … Rabbitohs. At least I’ve stopped involuntarily shuddering whenever I eat chicken or Lozzy shows me bunny videos on youtube.  Gah, the trauma.  I won’t talk about the game, mind you, just about Russell Crowe.  Oh, Rusty. 

And I assume it will make you love/despise him even more than you did before. I don’t think people are ever ‘indifferent’ to Rusty. I actually don’t think you can be indifferent to a man who writes to the immigration department and simply signs his letters ‘… Russell’.  Like Cher!

Kiki and I also have an ongoing dispute with the Fire Up boys over this: they think he’s a massive twat, we think he’s a massive keg of awesome.

Phone-throwing aside, we think he was 100% in the right in his Defence of Snoop Dogg letter-writing. Did the immigration dept think Snoop was gonna fly in with a knapsack of crack?  Maybe hold up a servo by distracting the unsuspecting attendants with his lyrical genius and melodic voice?  I keep a blue flag hangin out my backside …. now crack the till, bitch.

Plus I enjoy watching everyone in the crowd congratulating Russ at Bunnies games when his team scores as though he single-handedly made a break, muscled off defenders and grounded the ball. I guess his money is kinda on the team, so it makes sense in a way. I love it almost as much as the way he constantly wears customised Rabbitohs merchandise, JUST IN CASE YOU WEREN’T SURE WHO HE BARRACKS FOR.  Bet he has Rabbitoh undies and socks to match.

But this week he lifted it a notch, and when it looked like his Rabbits just had the Chooks cornered in the first half, he lifted his arm (much like I imagine he did when he lifted his Oscar) and gave the thumbs down.  Ding-ding-ding Gladiator reference!  

There is so much packed in that one gesture.  Not only does it say ‘have no mercy’, which is also my footy credo … it also tells us all that if there is one thing the Rabbitohs rely on to tell them how to play and determine their game plans, then screw Jason Taylor, it’s Rusty. OF COURSE IT IS. I freaking love him. 

It was amazing.

Meanwhile cause the Roosters haven’t been slammed enough this week after their soul-crushing loss and the Jake Friend drink-driving dramz, David Shillington’s gone the verbal bitch-slap too. He is Not Happy about the Chooks letting him go.

FOOTY! YOU’RE BACK! Oh baby, how I’ve missed you. Come here, sit on my lap and I’ll show you just how much.

Bet you guys missed horrifically creepy sentences like that one…right? Well never fear my darlings, now the footy season is back you can enjoy them at least once a week. I thought you might like to see the terrifying adorable bear card I picked out for Hot Bitch Cooper. For some reason he sent me an AVO in return. A rather obscure way of showing his appreciation but apparently thats how he rolls.

I had a few invitations for outings over the weekend but bitches be trippin if they think I am going to leave the house on the opening weekend of the season. I am proud to admit that I watched every single game. Okay, that’s a lie. I turned off Panthers v Sharks halfway through because it was, to be frank, a festival of crap. I made up for this by watching  the Baby Eels vs Baby Warriors. I adore the Under 20′s games. Why? Because the babies get SO!EXCITED! by everything. It’s like watching puppies and kittens…..if they wore footy uniforms and tackled each other. Or something.

The new Toyota Cup promo shots delighted the Errol Office

I was planning on doing a full recap. But now I’m not. Because I really like point form. It makes me happy. Also, it’s my blog and I can do what I want.

a) Seeing my boys line up for the national anthem gave me actual goosebumps. This is the first emotional response I’ve had since the World Cup finished. Apparently I turn into a sociopath of sorts during the off season.

b) I LOVED seeing Uncy Wayne wearing Dragons merch. Especially loved the fact he was rocking crumpled cargo shorts and sneakers when other coaches are all buttoned up in stuffy uncomfortable suits. This is coz people with nothing to prove don’t have to dress up. Which is why I reguarly wear trackies to restaurants (I wish I was joking).

c) Apparently in his excitement for the new season, Greg Inglis accidentally spilt an entire tub of gel on his head. Listen Greg, I know it’s sometimes hard to gauge the exact amount of hair product that’s right for your hair but daaaaaaamn. That was some straight up Soul Glo shit.

He was so….greasy. I half expected a trainer to run out and start mopping his hair with a towel. Surely a head that slippery is against the rules some how? He was slipping through tackles all over the place! Oh he also played brilliantly and caused me to write FUCKING SHIT FUCK INGLIS BOOO STORM DIEEEE in my notes. True story.

d) It seems both teams were doing their best to provide the lolz. It was a deadset slapstick comedy fest out there. I am 73% certain this is because everyone in the NRL wants nothing more than to appear on Errol. Soooo…congratulations to Anthony Quinn who got hammered in a tackle and then got up and…wait for it….played the ball the wrong way. Even better than that was the look on his face when he realised he just embarassed himself in front of thousands of people. Brilliant. I love public humiliation, especially when the subject is wearing a Storm uniform.

And equal congratulations to Beau Scott  and a Melbourne player whose name I don’t remember, who managed to some pull off of Cirque De Soleil move during a tackle. Which concluded in Beau-Beau being horizontally FLIPPED onto the turf. Tres acrobatic boys. You two have a career in the circus beckoning.

e) HORNBAG! Okay well everyone will remember this game for his no no times, but I for one would prefer to focus on the positive. Because I am nothing if not an enternal optimist. He is now the full time captain (which we campaigned for last year just btw), scored a lovely try, looked totally cute with his off season tan and has apparently acquired some  snazzy new red boots. Or as my mother called them ‘Hornbag’s pretty ruby slippers’.

f) And the piece de resistance of the entire evening. THE RETURN OF EBONY AND IVORY!  Hot Bitch and Big Dell!  Just for the record, we totally picked this manlove affair like 6 months ago. We be psychic and shit.

Seriously, their try was one of the most awesome moments of my footy fan career to date. Dell in general is ridiculously amazing, even when he is playing silly buggers and accidentally kicking grubbers over the sideline. Instead of yelling obscenities at the TV like I do with every other player, I simply giggle and say things like “Oh Dell, you so funny”.

What I love about Dell is he is about 47 years old, a teeny bit fat and always drenched in perspiration….yet he continues to back himself and make big breaks. AND IT WORKS! I especially love that he sent my imaginary mans Hot Bitch Cooper in for the actual try. Sharing, caring and living together in perfect harmonnnnnny.

And yes, as everyone keeps reminding me, my boys lost. But unlike alot of other Dragons fans I wasn’t particularly upset. Last year we wouldn’t have ever got that close to victory against the Storm. The boys never gave up. Their discipline was VASTLY improved (to say the least), their passing was short, sharp and to the point and well…they looked like contenders. For the first time since 2005. Mark my words readers, the Dragons are gonna be a force to be reckoned with this year. YES, A FORCE.

Oh, and despite the horrific irony of the NRL’s new tagline being ‘Feel It’, I kinda really sorta totally love the song. I may or may not have downloaded it on Itunes and danced around my living room occasionally pretending to score a try.

In conclusion, I love you football. Pls never leave me again.

Remember when we thought it couldn’t get any worse than Rugby League’s centenary year of deaths and scandals?  We were so naive.  The first competition round hasn’t even been played yet and we’ve got Brett Stewart’s suspension and criminal charges, Anthony Watmough accused of assault and fined 10k, Anthony Cherrington in anger management, Todd Carney banned from Goulburn, and Greg Bird on his way home to face court. That doesn’t even include the whole new round of ‘defectionz to rugby’ hyperbole.

Sigh. You know we were counting down the days till footy season? Now it’s here, all of a sudden we are tired already.

I don’t want to talk about anyone in particular, because really … what do we know? And I seriously cannot even talk about the irony of the Brett Stewart interview on the Footy Show last night. But as footy fans, we can’t ignore it.  So let’s be notquiteserious for a second.

All this … I don’t even know what to call it, really. When we Errol girls went to Savannah, we found out that you can’t ask about the ‘Civil War’ and expect an answer.  Instead the locals just call it ‘The Unpleasantness’. Let’s go with that. Southerners always do it better.

All this Unpleasantness breaks our hearts.

For one thing, all the media interest and the scandal surrounding footy players, booze, violence and women never seems to offer anything constructive.  This excellent Catherine Lumby opinion piece from the other day echoes something we said last year, which is that this isn’t a footy problem.  This is a social problem. Not to say that we don’t think the NRL should act when players misbehave, but persecuting footy in general or putting the players as a whole on a booze ban won’t solve it.

The solution? Apparently we keep them away from money, booze and women and only let them out to entertain us – gladiator style – on the paddock. After that we lock them in their bedrooms and put bars on the windows.

Amen, Catherine.

If anything, it’s a bit of an easy out for the rest of us to say that only footy players are badly-behaved/oversexed/binge-drinkers/criminals.  Not normal people like us! And the fixation on footy culture seems to overlook that binge-drinking, aggression and violence are problems everywhere.

We’ve all seen behaviour as bad as the worst footy scandals out and about on the weekend.

And if it’s ever going to stop, everyone needs to talk openly about why men act this way.  Whether maybe something in our culture encourages men – not just men who play football – to be aggressive, to view women in proprietary or overly sexual ways, or to just be plain self-destructive.

In footy players’ cases, maybe there are more reasons, and more easily identifiable reasons.  The fact that they live in almost exclusively-male testosterone-fueled ‘tribes’ from increasingly young ages and engage mainly with women in purely sexual ways.  But the NRL also has unparalleled opportunities to talk to those men and interact with them and be proactive in their attempts to counteract that.  What do the rest of us do?

But it also breaks our heart as footy fans. Not just because it’s completely unfair to all the Rugby League players who could not be further from the stereotype, but because it’s also about to give us stress-induced strokes.  The frustration! We lovvvve our footy, and we know a lot of women who do. And our tickers cannot handle anyone more girls announcing to us that is why they hate footy.

WE CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

We’re begging you footy … no more scandal for a little while, please?

ps – may we also suggest that the NRL hire us immediately to become advisors/big sisters/generally omnipresent? We suggested this last year but can only rationally assume that something is wrong with our office phone as we have not yet spoken to David Gallop. Poor Dave just can’t get through to us. RIGHT??

For now, let’s live in denial for a second and try and feel the love. First round starts tonight … remember?

Hazem El Masri – who we of course love for never doing anything worse than having a tanty in the in-goal – might break the point-scoring record in the Bulldogs game against Manly.

Kiki has been bopping around the office busting out Tae Bo moves in preparation for her Dragons taking on the Storm. Remember the insanely awesome biff last time they clashed? More of that please boys!

And my babies, the Roosters, are up against our most hated of rivals, the Rabbitohs. Booooo hisssss, they be hateful. (Don’t tell anyone, but I secretly sometimes almost like them). I’m excited because apparently the Chooks totally have the shits and have forbidden the Rabbitohs from training on the SFS ground before the match, as punishment for when the bunnies did the same at ANZ stadium last year. You know I’m not kidding because league totally IS that bitchy.  And that is why I love it.   I can’t wait till they start pulling each other’s hair and trading ‘YOU STARTED IT’s.

Manly is also playing, but Lozzy can’t bear to talk about it. She told you this would happen once Beav left.

But there is one more thing – probably the Most Important Thing: you all need to get your footy tips in for the Errol tipping comp. Quickly! Go!  The tips need to be in before tonight’s game … tick tock.

If you’ve forgotten what all this Errol tipping business is or haven’t signed up, read all about it here.

Otherwise log into footytips.com.au and pick your teams. If you need some help making decisions, all the named teams are here … good luck, kittens!