Time to check in on tips! Where am I, you may ask? NOWHERE. THAT’S WHERE.

Shaggy owned last week with a perfect round (does that still get you a Whopper?) and the bestest margin:

And the omnipresent BroncoBaby is still sitting on top of the overall leaderboard with voodoorock:

Amazing work guys. In no way am I bitter at my own terrible for- … HEY! IS THAT A SHIRTLESS MAN WITH CLIPPERS?

via Gregg Porteous

Indeed it is. It’s a shirtless Jeremy Smith weilding clippers at Shark Park. And if you speak Spanish, you’ll already know that ‘Shark Park’ translates roughly to ‘graveyard of halfbacks’. We learned that from Anchorman.

The reason for the clippers? It’s call to arms week in the NRL, so the clubs and the boys are finding crafty ways to raise money and awareness for men’s cancer.

via Reece Carter

I was trying to explain this at work the other day and may have accidentally referred to it as “YOU KNOW, CANCER WEEK”, but you know what I mean. My idiot heart was in the right place. (Mainly, that’s with my burly, hilarious, polo-shirted menace of an uncle who’s having chemo for cancer at the moment … love you uncle Linden! He even had to give up drinking, which we all know is the absolute worst. Cancer, you Machiavellian bastard.)

Luckily for all of us, the Sharks decided to do this by shaving moustaches and taking their shirts off. It’s our favourite kind of fundraising. Next, we would like to suggest they wear hotpants and hold a carwash. Pretty sure Jeremy Smith would rock the hell out of a pair of American Apparel running shorts, and it’s common knowledge that everyone loves a carwash set to disco classics.

Wanna help? Here’s the list of everything happening this weekend.

Happy tipping, kids!

It’s been a few weeks between drinks but here’s the deal: the ladies are kicking arse. So much so, that my brother texted me the other day to say “Broncobaby is annoyingly good at tipping”. Why yes, yes she is. Much love to the ladies (and the very few dudes) who are chillin’ in the Errol top ten:

But also … better watch your backs, bitches. After some ABYSMAL early rounds, I am climbing my way back to the top, round by round.

Muahahaha! Stay tuned for heaps more Origin goodies in the next few days x

Like Elton John, the Bitch is back. Did you miss me? I can only assume you spent the last eight days in the corners of your bathrooms, rocking gently and moaning ‘Sassy’ … yes? Thought so.

In Northern England this is how they say NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN. Men of few words.

Meanwhile apparently footy got at least 80% more fabulous and 45% more scandalous while I was gone.

I turn my back for seven days and Todd Carney is out with (alleged) assaulter Anthony Watts, getting his (alleged) drink on and (allegedly) denting the very slim hopes NSW have of actually winning an Origin series again. Why are the brilliant always so blighted by scandal and misfortune? He may have the face of that little dude on the MAD magazine covers, but in reality, Todd Carney is the Robert Downey Jr of the NRL. Oh, Ro.Ju. If only I could import him to give his special brand of wise and slightly sarcastic brand of hard-earned life advice and help Todd sort his shit out.

Sadly, Ro.Ju was not one of the 96 celebrities we spotted in LA, so that’s not gonna happen. Instead, I’m planning to do the next best thing, which is to chase Todd out of Coogee – because God knows nothing good EVER happens in Coogee – and force him to sit through the classic ‘Only You’ starring Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr while we talk about our feelings. Possibly with a ‘Heart and Souls’ chaser. If that doesn’t help him turn his life around and avoid getting the sack, nothing will. Am I right?

Of course it doesn’t help that while I was dealing with the knowledge of Todd’s suspension – excuse me for a second while I wipe my tears – I was also dealing with Jharal Yow Yeh running through the Tigers’ defence at the SFS like a windy little maroon freight train.

He might as well have been wearing a blinking neon sign saying ‘THE FUTURE OF QUEENSLAND ORIGIN’ while he taunted me with his flashy step and nifty hands. Sigh.

On the other hand, Sam Thaiday might as well have been wearing a giant neon sign that said ‘LOLZ’, because he spent at least 66% of that game arguing with the referee, and there is nothing funnier than an outraged Sam Thaiday. Especially since his new haircut kind of makes him look like a man wearing a puffy ladies shower cap.

Except maybe shirtless Sam Thaiday squatting in front of a palm tree.

Wanna make something of it, bitches?

And down at Brookvale, Steve Matai did everything but wear a sign saying ‘OH HAY LET’S DANCE.’

Can I get a MA-TAI?

… OH YEAH THAT JUST HAPPENED.

Who knew this is what happens when the Matai scores a double?

Imagine the frenzied worm he would’ve busted out if the ball hadn’t headed to Wang Man Robbo and he’d managed to grab the third try.

But by far the worst thing that I missed on holiday was the dire situation over at Errol Tips. Obviously I’m feeling super party times that Suzi Firth, Bingle and the crew are in the top ten. (And check out Kiki lookin all smug!)

But then I remember …. Hoppo. Lifeguard Hoppo, who teases us mercilessly about everything, has cracked the top ten. THIS CANNOT CONTINUE. This is the same man who always alerts the helicopters when I go swimming and tells them to look out for migrating whales.

In his kids’ colouring books, Hoppo captions this ‘Sassy’

So, old man Hoppo, much as we love and respect you, and even though our parents taught us to always respect the elderly … you’re going down. It is my personal mission to beat him in 2011 footy tipping. Are you with me, kids?

But more importantly, I think I might’ve been a little jetlagged, because yesterday I passed out and didn’t wake up for twelve hours, missing two – count ‘em, TWO – valuable games of footy. What did I miss?

Pics. Getty Images

SO MUCH FOOTY NEWS. Jamal’s going to the Goldy, and Uncle Wayne’s going to Newcastle … allegedly for the princely sum of $6 million. Can you imagine how many Henny Penny chicken rolls that buys?

As for Jamal: on one hand, the Titans biggest worry isn’t the centres … is it? (hint: no)

But on the other hand, JAMAL’S GETTING A TV SHOW. This is one of the most brilliant footy initiatives we’ve ever heard. It’s right up there with Indigenous All-Stars.

The giant human teddy will be following in the hallowed footsteps of such other tv luminaries as Malcom-Jamal ‘Theo Huxtable’ Warner from the Cosby show, and the classic C Bear and Jamal starring Tone Loc.

Yes, you heard that right. There are clips on YouTube and everything. Tone Loc is a multimedia superstar.

As for tipping superstars – Earl Hickey won round five, which leaves the overall leader board looking a little like this:

ps I’m coming 82nd. Shut up.

But what I’m hoping is that not seeing any footy for a week will somehow help my tipping (it can’t make it any worse). Because I’ll be here:

for the next week, dancing embarassingly and talking loudly in an Aussie accent and generally having holiday partytimes. So your tipping update will be a little late next week, but I’ll be tweeting from LA and Coachella if American phone networks let me and Kiki’ll be manning the Errol footy updates with help from John John and his hotpants.

Leave a comment if you have a cute American boy to set me up with / a killer idea for Jamal’s new TV show / requests for LA photos or updates.

See you soon! xx S

Sometimes, you get a chance to make rugby league your bitch. This week, our girl Louza Belle did it. PERFECT ROUND! She tipped 8/8 in a champagne effort and is currently charging up the overall competition leaderboard. Which, as of Tuesday, looks a little bit like this:

Rock on, ladies-whose-names-begin-with-L.

Meanwhile, also on the winners podium this week is the man the This Week in League boys like to call ‘The Ottoman’, in loving tribute to his impressive dimensions. Even though he is cruelly and consistently overlooked for a starting spot in first grade, he will be PLAYING FOR ITALY IN THE WORLD CUP.

I would include a picture, but, he wasn’t at the press call. Oh, Joel. Fear not though, this is clearly his first step on the road to international stardom. Just think of the superstars before him who got their start in Italy – sometimes Italy just Gets It, you know?

Stars like Sofia Loren:

Stars like Megan Gale:

TANTI AUGURI, I’M MEGAN GALE!

Next stop: a Joel Romelo David Jones contract. Trust.

And of course, sometimes there are weeks where life just makes you its bitch.

Pic. Stuart Walmsley via SMH

Poor mummied man Joely Thompson got home from his adventures in mummification and was so weakened by loss of blood he collapsed in the shower and had to be taken to hospital.

“I’m slowly getting there, as you can see I’m still pretty pale,” he said.

Which sounds like exactly the kind of embarassing, traumatic and awkward thing that would happen to Kiki. Chin up Joely! We love ya even though you’re pasty!

It’s a first for the season, y’all! I would like to congratulate Craig – also known as Rugby1847, or CRAIG THE TIGER – on being the first seppo to crack the top ten of the ErrolTips competition ladder in 2011.

Craig, if you don’t know him, is one of our beloved Jacksonville Axemen, infamous for (allegedly) being cautioned in a New York airport for roaming the airport on all fours, pretending to be a tiger, and attempting to lick a female passenger’s leg. This is why we LOVE HIM.

Overall, the ladder looks a little something like this:

And yep, there he is, just behind all the Aussies, Errol-friendz/relatives and mystery-tippers. As for where I am …. nowhere. Nothing to see here. Let’s change the topic.

OH HEY, IS THAT A UNICORN?

*disappears*

Well this week has been truly, truly terrible. Not exaggerating, it was worse than the day I discovered that Peter Everett was leaving Ready Steady Cook. NO! PETER! Remember the good times we had recapping his adventures in gropery with Sam Burgess and Robbie Farah? Sigh. I wonder what he’s doing now. Probably sitting at home watching Elizabeth Taylor documentaries and eating chicken crimpies straight from the box.

No, this is much, much worse. Readers, I tipped two out of eight. TWO. Which means that while our shiny Errol leaderboard for people who are vaguely competent and tip more than TWO in a round looks a little something like this:

… and that’s right, my name is nowhere to be seen on it. Where am I, you might ask?

OH THERE I AM. FOUND MY NAME. JUST CHILLIN’ DOWN AT NUMBER 60. Yep, number 60. This means I’m doing worse at footy tipping than Lifeguard Hoppo. And no offence to Hoppo, because he saves drowning Irish backpackers and is tre hilarious and has lovely blue eyes and we generally adore him, but, well … this shit is dire. Hoppo is approximately 70 years old and it’s a miracle he can even use the internet so the fact that he is beating me at tipping is terrible and cannot be allowed to continue.

Bottom line? I blame the Sharks. Clearly that Shane Flanagan is an olive-skinned supercoach. The Sharks out-defended, out-controlled, out-patienced and out-Dragonsed the Dragons. Except, you know, that the Dragons don’t have a carpark that doubles as a swamp and needs to be closed when it’s raining heavily and mother nature requires it back to use as a water catchment. I assume that’s what the recent renovations at WIN Jubilee were adding.

Coincidentally, Wade Graham has clearly been on some kind of Dragons and Jamie Soward-inspired regime because if you dressed the two of them in red and yellow they are both straight-up nuggets.

Mmmm … nuggets.

What was my point? Oh yes, remember when Wade Graham was just a teeny blue-eyed teen making his debut alongside Lachlan Coote? And Lachie was on his way to being awarded his Boy Scout patch for Irish Dancing?

Pic. Getty Images

They grow up so damn fast. Now Lachie’s doing business studies and Wade’s just one more off-season away from having a rig as big as Paul Gallen’s.

More importantly, remember when the Roosters played good footy? As in … LAST WEEK? The memory seems as distant as the memory of Jarrod Mullen playing Origin. (Funnily enough, the memory of Jarrod Mullen bending over in front of me at a charity golf day two years ago is still as clear as crystal. Gotta thank your mother for a butt like that).

What we’ve learned is that a Gidley-less Newcastle is successful, the Cowboys are still capable of being more dreadful than your wildest dreams, and this season, no team is invincible.

The closest we’ve got is the Melbourne Storm, led by the fiercest bitch in league, Cooper Cronk.

Pic. Getty Images

See how Cam Smith is smiling in joy and celebration? Meanwhile Cooper Cronk is:

a) making a mental note to pick up some hair product on the way home;

b) figuring out exactly how he can kneecap Jonathan Thurston and steal his State of Origin halfback jersey without attracting the attention of the cops.

Here’s a hint, Coops: do it with a crutch in a Brisbane casino and everyone will just assume it was JT’s own fault.

So, bearing in mind how unpredictable footy is this year, here are our ridiculous predictions for round three:

Souths, those lucklass japesters, will win a match. Sassy will then declare her love for Greg Inglis, despite him being a Queenslander.

Braith Anasta will compliment the refs on their fine and reasonable decision-making.

Feleti Mateo will make spot-on offloads and set up three tries.

Peter Everett will join the footy show.

COME ON UNIVERSE MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Mazeltov, kittens! (I can say mazeltov now because I found out last year I’m officially Jewish. Surprise-Jew!)

Mazeltov, congratulations and happy happy days because footy is officially back.

Well, happy days for everyone except John Cartwright. Let’s drag out a picture from 2010 that already sums up the current state of mind of Oh Errol’s reigning sexiest coach in league:

… so, pretty much as normal then. And what about Des Hasler?

Yup, still throwing the semi-regular tanty. So the world is as it should be. Carry on, then.

And just like you know that it’s Christmas when you see the ham shelf at the deli is empty, the department stores start pumping out Kenny G carols, or when drunk girls start roaming the street dressed as slutty santas … there are a few telltale signs that footy is upon us.

For one thing, Freddy Fittler and Joey Johns appear back on your tv like two comical little angels of lolz. Watching them giggle on channel nine is music to our ears, like the laughter of children playing with the Christmas toys. Except it’s unlikely Freddy or Joey will pull anyone’s hair or vomit after drinking part of the mysterious chemical solution that came with their Magic Garden.*

* Unlikely, but not impossible.

note: may not be actual Morris.

You also know it’s that time o’year when a Morris brother (this time it was Josh) streaks away on his long, long bambi legs to score an 80+ metre try. No one catches a Morris! They’re adorable little genetic freaks!

Next thing you know, a player we adore is struck down by injury. This is heartbreaking, and inevitable. Like finding out that the teeny tiny box under the tree you thought was from Cartier is actually tiny because it contains a gift voucher from Katies. Devo.

Little Joshie Morris and Sam ‘Ready Steady Cook‘ Burgess are both out for at least a month, Manu ‘fierce bitch’ Vatuvei is gone for two months, and baby Chase Stanley and Scott Geddes are gone for the season. HEARTBREAK. It’s just Katie’s vouchers and Nickelback CDs all over the place.

These are the times when I’m grateful I have the Daily Telegraph to keep things in perspective.

Forget about players’ emotional health or Johnny Lang and his attempts to figure out his line up for the Bunnies’ next game even though he can’t find his glasses and no one will listen to his old man stories: WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF OUR FANTASY TEAMS?

In other, less shocking news, Parramatta didn’t suck in round one. Do you know why this isn’t surprising? Cause you totally read my preview over on One HD where I said they wouldn’t suck.

Right? Thought so. THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT GUYZ.

And because I’m heaps good at watching movies and heaps good at writing shit, I believe I compared Stephen Kearney and his rag-tag crew of lifesavers, old men and Daniel Mortimer to Gene Hackman and his team of ringers in the feel-good family classic ‘the Replacements’.

From now on I shall refer to him exclusively as Gene. Gene Kearney. Dan Mortimer can be Keanu Reeves.

Meanwhile I can’t wait till Parra make the top eight and people start wearing Hackman masks on the train. The Gene-Train!

And in the least shocking news of all, Uncle Wayne’s Dragons are still carving up the NRL. Because Uncle Wayne is the ultimate life coach. His book even made Kiki have feelingz and we all know she almost never has those.

The only thing we don’t know is where he’s going next year. It’s like NRL lotto … no matter what your team, you could be the winners! And your prize is a shiny new premiership delivered in the hand of Wayne Bennett.

And you know you’d accept him too. Don’t lie. I mean like Brian Smith and all … he got us to the grand final, and I find it cute and fitting that he coaches the Roosters and kinda looks like a little chicken, also he was super-polite to me when I interviewed him at Ringrose Park. But I’d still trade him in for Uncy Wayne.

It’s like the freebie five for married couples. If you meet anyone on your freebie five, you can shag ‘em, and your husband can’t complain. Which makes Wayne Bennett the coaching version of Hot Bitch Cooper.

Or, I dunno, Beyonce if you’re a dude.

HERE’S A LOLZ GRAPHIC WE PREPARED EARLIER AND RE-USED CAUSE WE’RE LAZY.

Now there’s a game recap coming later this week, but first let’s check in on Erroltips 2011.

We have 113 intrepid tippers on board so far, the tiny vodka bottles are being handed out as we speak, and as of week one, the leader board looks like this:

This is a vitally important Errol post!

Is it a scented hand-writted note in which we apologise for a lack of posting frequency? Well of course not. Because love means never having to say you’re sorry.

Although yes, as always, we have been ridiculously busy. For example, today I did important things like cleaning the lint out of my dryer cause it kept making a weird beeping noise. I also spent a good ten minutes listening to the following educational conversation in my workplace about the Quiksilver Pro:

1: how do the surfers know who’s winning?
2: they say it over the loudspeaker from the beach, like ‘red is winning, white you need an 8.4 on this wave to take the lead’
1: well you’re screwed if you’re deaf then
2: deaf people would never be pro surfers, cause of their balance
1: you’re kidding, deaf people have BETTER balance
2: no they don’t! it’s like an inner-ear thing
1: no, because they can’t hear it means all their other senses are heightened
2: balance isn’t a sense!

Instead, this post is us asking you for a favour. As JFK said, ask not what Errol can do for you … ask what you can do for Oh Errol.

(Don’t worry, it doesn’t involve getting off the couch, or spending money).

On Friday, we kick off the JUGGERNAUT that is the Oh Errol 2011 tipping comp. If you haven’t joined it, you’re only contributing to the chances that I will win again, and my ridiculously massive ego will only get larger. Do you want to be responsible for that? Hmmmmmm?

Of course not. So hustle over and join for your chance to take home a selection of ffaaaaabulous cash and prizes.*

JOIN THE OH ERROL TIPPING COMP

* may not be actual cash and prizes.

See ya next week for the first week’s tipping update and another year of footy recaps, ranting and objectification xx

Well what do you know? It’s a tipping update, bitches! It’s been … look, I don’t know how many rounds it’s been since we checked in on the Oh Errol tipping competition, and I don’t care to bother finding out. Let’s just say ‘a shitload’. And the reason it’s been so long is that the leaderboard has been straight up BORING. The same two people have been sitting pretty in positions 1 and 2 for the previously mentioned ‘shitload’ of rounds, and who wants to read the same thing every week?

Obviously the readers of Famous enjoy reading the same stories regularly – Brad and Angelina breaking up … again! Jennifer Aniston sad and lonely/tanned and going yoga/having a fake romance with John Mayer … again! – but we’d much rather write about Robbie Farah photoshopped as a diver than go over the same old boring stuff.

Let’s check in on the leaderboard for this round’s tipping  first, which I think might be Philo’s first win for the year. Go Philo! The top three looks like this:

1. Philo on 7/8 – she’s not just an English expert and academic, she’s a Dragon-loving tipping dynamo!

2. Spearsie on 7/8 – seriously guys, she almost tipped perfectly AND SHE LIVES IN LA. SHE DOESN’T EVEN GET TO WATCH THE GAMES.

3. Aliesha R on 7/8 -she’s adorable, loves the Titans and cares not for pants. What a winner.

Man the girls are killing it in this competition. Even though the gender breakdown overall is half and half guys and girls, the top spots all seem to be ladies. Every round is women in league round in Errol Tips!

And the overall leaderboard looks like:

Sigh. Sometimes it’s almost painful being this good. This must be how Billy Slater feels all the time.