Mazeltov, kittens! (I can say mazeltov now because I found out last year I’m officially Jewish. Surprise-Jew!)
Mazeltov, congratulations and happy happy days because footy is officially back.
Well, happy days for everyone except John Cartwright. Let’s drag out a picture from 2010 that already sums up the current state of mind of Oh Errol’s reigning sexiest coach in league:
… so, pretty much as normal then. And what about Des Hasler?
Yup, still throwing the semi-regular tanty. So the world is as it should be. Carry on, then.
And just like you know that it’s Christmas when you see the ham shelf at the deli is empty, the department stores start pumping out Kenny G carols, or when drunk girls start roaming the street dressed as slutty santas … there are a few telltale signs that footy is upon us.
For one thing, Freddy Fittler and Joey Johns appear back on your tv like two comical little angels of lolz. Watching them giggle on channel nine is music to our ears, like the laughter of children playing with the Christmas toys. Except it’s unlikely Freddy or Joey will pull anyone’s hair or vomit after drinking part of the mysterious chemical solution that came with their Magic Garden.*
* Unlikely, but not impossible.
note: may not be actual Morris.
You also know it’s that time o’year when a Morris brother (this time it was Josh) streaks away on his long, long bambi legs to score an 80+ metre try. No one catches a Morris! They’re adorable little genetic freaks!
Next thing you know, a player we adore is struck down by injury. This is heartbreaking, and inevitable. Like finding out that the teeny tiny box under the tree you thought was from Cartier is actually tiny because it contains a gift voucher from Katies. Devo.
Little Joshie Morris and Sam ‘Ready Steady Cook‘ Burgess are both out for at least a month, Manu ‘fierce bitch’ Vatuvei is gone for two months, and baby Chase Stanley and Scott Geddes are gone for the season. HEARTBREAK. It’s just Katie’s vouchers and Nickelback CDs all over the place.
These are the times when I’m grateful I have the Daily Telegraph to keep things in perspective.
Forget about players’ emotional health or Johnny Lang and his attempts to figure out his line up for the Bunnies’ next game even though he can’t find his glasses and no one will listen to his old man stories: WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF OUR FANTASY TEAMS?
In other, less shocking news, Parramatta didn’t suck in round one. Do you know why this isn’t surprising? Cause you totally read my preview over on One HD where I said they wouldn’t suck.
Right? Thought so. THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT GUYZ.
And because I’m heaps good at watching movies and heaps good at writing shit, I believe I compared Stephen Kearney and his rag-tag crew of lifesavers, old men and Daniel Mortimer to Gene Hackman and his team of ringers in the feel-good family classic ‘the Replacements’.
From now on I shall refer to him exclusively as Gene. Gene Kearney. Dan Mortimer can be Keanu Reeves.
Meanwhile I can’t wait till Parra make the top eight and people start wearing Hackman masks on the train. The Gene-Train!
And in the least shocking news of all, Uncle Wayne’s Dragons are still carving up the NRL. Because Uncle Wayne is the ultimate life coach. His book even made Kiki have feelingz and we all know she almost never has those.
The only thing we don’t know is where he’s going next year. It’s like NRL lotto … no matter what your team, you could be the winners! And your prize is a shiny new premiership delivered in the hand of Wayne Bennett.
And you know you’d accept him too. Don’t lie. I mean like Brian Smith and all … he got us to the grand final, and I find it cute and fitting that he coaches the Roosters and kinda looks like a little chicken, also he was super-polite to me when I interviewed him at Ringrose Park. But I’d still trade him in for Uncy Wayne.
It’s like the freebie five for married couples. If you meet anyone on your freebie five, you can shag ‘em, and your husband can’t complain. Which makes Wayne Bennett the coaching version of Hot Bitch Cooper.
Or, I dunno, Beyonce if you’re a dude.
HERE’S A LOLZ GRAPHIC WE PREPARED EARLIER AND RE-USED CAUSE WE’RE LAZY.
Now there’s a game recap coming later this week, but first let’s check in on Erroltips 2011.
We have 113 intrepid tippers on board so far, the tiny vodka bottles are being handed out as we speak, and as of week one, the leader board looks like this: