This is so sad to write. You know we don’t usually like talking about league scandals just for the sake of it, but there’s an elephant in the room, and it’s named Joel Monaghan. Seems like Monas is leaving the NRL in the ickiest of circumstances, doing for the word “simulated” what Nate Myles did for “defecated”. All we can say is when we met him, Monas seemed like a genuinely good-hearted, hilarious guy and we think it was the most selfless and dignified option to think of his club instead of himself and leave the Raiders.
We’re getting John John to send him a good luck basket of gerberas and balloons and kisses from us all. And another one for T.Camps because God knows those two live in each others’ pockets like Kiki and I do.
And for everyone who keeps googling the story, you won’t find it here. Seriously. Not kidding. If we weren’t gonna post the infamous Wang Dance video, we weren’t gonna post this.
And the worst thing is, we can’t even distract you with posts about the game between PNG and the Poms on the weekend because we missed it. In our defence, THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS WAS ON TV! Only one of the greatest films ever made, starring our idol Dolly Parton and that hairy-chested dreamboat Burt Reynolds. If you haven’t watched a whole Texan gridiron team linedance semi-naked or sing in a steam-room about seeing hookers, you haven’t lived.
Thank me later, y’all.
What we can do is give you a quick round-up of what Australia and New Zealand have been doing during and after their clash on Saturday night. Frank-Paul Nuuausala has discovered the joys of millinery:
And Flossy Nightingale … is still flossy.
Pics. Getty Images
The Kiwis debuted a slightly rusty club 12″ extended mix of the Haka to mixed reviews, Greg Bird continued to provide some of the mist hilarious facial expressions in rugby league history, Billy Slater and Tom Learoyd-Lahrs grew kick-ass mos, New Zealand foxed their way into a loss, and the fact that Brent Tate and Willie Tonga are the Australian centres continued to cause arguments in Errol HQ. At one point Work Experience Boy Lachie threw his jam bagel down in disgust and told us our constant arguing made him get distracted and miss Packed to the Rafters.
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE, LACHLAN.
Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to go and compile our Very Important All-Stars teams for next year’s game. Wayne Bennett was interviewed and told everyone to try and “think like him” while they choose.
Now I’ve never met Uncle Wayne personally, but I’ve seen him having a chat and he seems like a pretty happy dude, so when he says think the way he does, I’m pretty sure it looks something like:
I’m totally voting for muppet Brett Morris.
Pic Kirk Gilmour