Happy Origin season, Errol-ers! It’s pretty much our favourite time of the year … well, aside from the week when they start releasing naked charity calendars just before Christmas. Is there anything funnier than dudes posing naked while looking serious? No, no there is not. Please see here for proof. And just like we do during Pervy Calendar-mas, this week we will be celebrating hard.

Next to the legalised on field brawls, the best thing about Origin is the fact other NSWelshpeople start sledging Queenslanders as much as we do in our regular lives. Retweeting people burning Queensland and it’s residents never gets old. EVER! It’s eternally awesome like Freddy Fittler’s is-he-drunk-or-what sideline giggles. Also, people create Facebook groups like this: “The only good thing to come out of Queensland is a road to NSW“

Luckily for us, even though we now have full time jobs in sport (we know, we can’t believe people hired us either) our jobs don’t require us to do any work at Origin. This is mainly because no one wants us too close to the Queensland team in case we kick someone in the shins by “accident”, injure a maroons player and start an inter-state incident. Also, employing lawyers to deal with the restraining orders is more expensive than you’d think.

This also gives us plenty of time during Origin season to drive around with the windows down sledging people in maroon clothing. IF QUEENSLAND’S SO GOOD WHAT ARE YA DOING DOWN HERE?

But let’s talk Origin prep.

For one thing, we have not one, but two, sky blue nailpolishes to choose from on Wednesday. At the moment, we’re thinking we’ll put the decision off until Wednesday morning to make sure we pick the one that matches our outfit best.

And up in Queensland, the enemy have been preparing for the big match at Lang Park (Suncorp, WHATEVER. It’ll always be Lang Park to us) by … grapevining?

It’s not just us, that is a grapevine, right? Cause it looks uncannily like the arm movements Intern John John does when he’s “feeling fat” and wants to burn extra calories on his trips to the work kitchen. We see you Dane Nielsen! Don’t pretend you don’t love it!

And of course Johnathan Thurston is loving it sick. If there’s one thing we learnt on the footy show last week, it’s that JT loves nothing more than a spontaneous dance break. Remember this? Yep, that boy is good at three things: dancin’, playin’ footy, and standin’ with his mouth open. He’s already done two of those this week, and if our plans to drop an anvil on him tomorrow at the Maroons team hotel come off, he won’t be doing the third.

We’re thinking of painting a picture of Dave Williams on it as a pin-up girl, you know, like the bomber planes in WWII. And next to him it’ll say like “… this is for kicking me in the face, Johnny!”

Sammy’s got his own personalised program from the Queensland personal trainer: tone up without losing your curves!

You know who you don’t see in those photos, though? Cooper Cronk. That fierce bitch is nowhere to be seen, and surprisingly, it’s not because he’s busy having his nails filed into points for the big game or telling noisy teens on public transport to ZIP IT.

And even though Billy Slater’s been doing his best to channel the Fierce, we still noticed.

twitpic courtesy of Luttsy

When you think about it, it’s pretty obvious really. While Billy does his best Cooper Cronk impression (see how he tucked his shirt in! it’s all about the styling), the real thing has clearly put his foot down and refused to have any part in this team-photo plaid-shirt boot-scooting uniform fuckery. We all know he’s a well-dressed dude, and apparently he cares not for taking part in group activities where the outfits make you look like you should be handing out menus and refilling empty Coke glasses, saying “welcome to the Outback Steakhouse”.

But while the Queenslanders have been preparing for some kind of boot-scooting Origin face-off (bad choice, by the way, NSW would totally win. We have TAMWORTH, y’all) the Blues have been getting their James Bond on.

Gregg Porteous’ photos don’t lie:

Follow him on twitter here

Look how schmick they look! As our hero Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock always says, “you’ve got to dress for success!”. Followed by: “That’s why I sponsor a charity that gives away tuxedos to homeless people”. What a dude. Our boys are bringing the sexy back to Origin. Mainly, because of the sweet suiting. But also because they all have tiny locks of Matt Cooper’s ratstail sewn inside their suits.

And to all the people who suspect that the Blues can’t match the Maroons in sweet dancin’ moves, we say:

a) have you MET Akuila Uate? If you have, he was probably dancing at the time. He’s like rugby league’s answer to Seaweed from Hairspray.

and b) Jamie Soward can angry dance the hell out of the music in his head. Exhibit A:

We’re feeling pretty damn confident that when it comes to the dance-off portion of this year’s Origin (crew againzt crew! No rulez! Street-style!) the boys in blue will do us proud.

Oh, also, when it comes to the game. How do we know this? Because Kiki – and this is a direct quote – feels it in her waters. Which is EXACTLY what Glenn Lazarus said, too. You can’t argue with a skinny-legged blogger and the man they call the brick with eyes. Up the blues!

Pics. Getty Images

Oh, how I’ve missed you Errol-ers. I remember the carefree days of regular blogging, mocking sportsmen far and wide and telling embarassing personal anecdotes whenever I felt like it. But lately, things have been a little … demoralising.

My noble employer has decided to turn One HD from a sports channel to a general entertainment channel, which is actually kind of awesome since it means we get wicked awesome shows like An Idiot Abroad and Sons of Anarchy. But let’s just say that dealing with irate members of the public abusing you via the twitter and the Facebook and threatening to send in bombs to the office (that really happened) can put a dent in a girl’s inspiration to write footy blogs.

Although it did teach me fun facts, like there are at least 8 people on Twitter who want a dedicated A-League show on free-to-air TV, and that, often, people are straight-up nuts. Good to know.

The other thing that can get a blogger mighty depressed is OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME ROOSTERS? Losing to the Sharks at Shark Park is the worst kind of loss. It’s embarassing, it bodes badly for the rest of the season, and it proves that even my successful Nathan Gardner voodoo doll isn’t enough to save my team.

No wonder Nate Myles is leaving to go to the Titans. Up there it’s all sunshine and Jamal Idris and children’s tv, back in Bondi it’s driving Todd Carney to AA meetings and drowning your sorrows at the Maccas near Tom Ugly’s bridge after you lose to Cronulla.

But just when I hit the lowest point and was fighting the urge to put on a snuggie and eat a wheel of cheese as big as my head Liz Lemon-stylez … Mal Meninga inspired me.

But the big story was 25-year-old Nielsen, who has only racked up 42 first grade games since his 2008 NRL debut before getting the Origin call. 

Nielsen comes in for Inglis who is expected to be ruled out for up to a month after again injuring the hip that required pre-season surgery.

North Queensland-bred Nielsen looked overawed facing the huge media contingent in Brisbane on Tuesday but Meninga had no problem throwing him into the Origin deep end.

Asked what Nielsen could offer the side, Meninga said: “He’s a proud Queenslander.”

OH NO YOU DIDN’T MAL. YOU DID NOT JUST SAY YOU PICKED NIELSEN FOR HIS QUEENSLAND SPIRIT. As opposed to, oh say … his footy skills?

Apparently in Queensland, pride in your State is the footy equivalent of how mums suddenly get super-strength so they can lift their four-door Yukon SVUs off their squished babies in a Walmart carpark. (Why does that only happen in America, by the way?)

Forget about 15 years of training and dedication and footy education, all you need is pride! Queensland spirit conquers all!

And just like that, I was revived by how irritated Queenslanders make me!

Although I do have to give massive props to Mal for his team selection in general.

1. I find Dane Nielsen’s curly hair completely adorable. If he wasn’t a dirty Queenslander I’d travel back in time to 1993 and put an A4 poster of him from TV Hits on the back of my bedroom door like I used to do with JTT.

Boilers still got it, ladies!

2. Petero! I just like seeing that ole Oak tree out on the field. It reminds me of the time he and Steve Price were bunkmates in the ‘Boiler Room’ and I lol to myself every time.

3. Corey Parker and his AussieBum undies are a fine, fine addition to any team. I assume that the little sewing minions at AB are whipping up a range of Maroon undergarments and speedos for him as we speak. If you’re not sure on the size, maybe just go ahead and assume he wears his speedos like Chris Heighington wears his jerseys … circulation-threateningly small. The ladies and gays of Queensland will be grateful, at least.

4. A+ for effort and improvement on the legitimacy front. Well, mainly it’s probably just the result of bad luck and coincidence. But for whatever reason, the Maroons is now almost entirely made up of men from Queensland. Hurrah! GOLD STAR FOR YOU GLEN COCO. YOU GO GLEN COCO.

And how do you properly pay tribute to this new team of authentic Maroons? By introducing them under a blue spotlight to old-school 90s classics like Jump Around by house of Pain. Oh yessss. If you missed the Queensland team announcement, Imma recap that shit for you, because I think it may be just about as hilarious as that time Nips Farah and Sam Burgess were on Ready, Steady, Cook!

We open on a dimly lit Brisbane conference room. Chairman of selectors Gene Miles says stuff that is boring. He then tells us that the first player named for the Maroons squad will be Billy ‘Pony Club’ Slater.

Birry saunters out and is hit by a crazy blue spotlight as the speakers start blasting a sweet 90s mix of “Whoomp! There is is” AND “Pump Up the Jam”. Did he pick it himself? I like to think so. He carries a little cardboard sign saying ‘Billy Slater’ up to the stage and some girl who is obviously the Queensland Origin version of Adriana Xenedis takes it and puts it in a little slot on the stage backdrop.

Ooh, drama! It’s like Wheel of Fortune! Can I have an ‘M’ for Meninga, please Tony Barber?

Darius Boyd comes out to ‘Raise some hell’ and Dane Nielsen gets P!nk. Huh. Gene reads all the names so sceptically. Like there’s an implied IF THAT’S REALLY YOUR NAME after every person. The [alleged] Willie Tonga comes out and they forget to press play, so he just walks to the stage to give Adraiana his card in silence, then sits in his little seat for a few seconds while we finally get to listen to the intro to House of Pain ‘Jump Around’. Not gonna lie, I enjoyed it.

Jharal Yow Yeh rocks out to the Black Eyed Peas ‘Pump It’. And by ‘rocks out’ clearly I mean ‘walks quickly and nervously while looking at the ground and possibly blushing’.

Finally, the grande dame of Queensland footy Darren Lockyer emerges and it’s time for The Final Countdown. Seriously? I don’t even know. When I try and remember what it looked like all I can see it this:

Hey, do you guys remember the 90s trance-dance-techno hit Here’s Johnny? Well hello there Jonathan Thurston!

Matt Scott! Guns n Roses! More Queenslanders! And what song could suit Cam Smith better than Macho Man?

From now on, he shall be known as ‘The Cop’ … or ‘The Biker’. Depending on my mood. There’s totally a resemblance, right?

No Birdy, that’s not a dig at moustaches. Yours is pretty much our favourite thing in footy right now.

Petero is Bad to the Bone. Sam Thaiday gets Bad Boys. This is all so weird I can’t even explain it. The weirdest thing is that they didn’t pick either ‘Gimme More’ OR ‘Barracuda’ for Cooper Cronk. Big mistake. Huge.

I make all my coworkers watch it approximately five times. We realise Nate Myles is accidentally spelled NATE MILES on his little card.

I know, right?

Sometimes, I think Queenslanders do this shit on purpose to amuse me. The XXXX / spelling jokes write themselves, people!

And just as I start to worry that with the addition of Corey Parker, the Queensland team will be almost as adorable as my boys in blue, I snap back to my senses.

Even our 18th man is slightly oversized, often confused and completely lovable like a labrador puppy. If labrador puppies had sweet dance moves.

Aaah we love our boys. And the rest of you, get back to us at the end of July and we’ll start back up where we left off, yeah?

Pics. Getty Images

pic. Gold Coast Titans

Clear out the tumbleweeds, your bitches are back!

We’ve been up on the Goldy for All-Stars week, which, along with City-Country week, is basically the footy blogger version of Christmas. What were we doing, you ask? Well, obviously we were generally hanging around, being loud, and making pervy comments. Cause, you know, fish gotta swim.

But in between we made some little videos for OneHD:

Benji Marshall told us some seriously weird shit about sharing a bed with Liam Fulton

Scott Prince told us that George Rose reckons he’s “the best dancer over 100kgs” - do they have dance-related weight classes? Like in boxing? They totally should.

Laurie Daley told us just how often Jamal Idris falls asleep

Feleti Mateo admitted he’s scared of heights

Freddy Fittler explained how Petero Civoniceva is the WORST SURFER IN THE WORLD

We gave a valentine to George Rose

We looked like hobbits standing next to Cory Paterson

Shaun Kenny-Dowall talked about chicken (of course he did)

… and Josh Dugan was generally adorable.

The only sad thing is that so much awesomeness didn’t make it into our videos. We wish you could’ve seen Jamal Idris put Cliff Lyons in a play-headlock, or the under-16s player from Queensland who HAD A FULL BEARD. Or when we asked Greg Bird for an interview and he thought the mike was for karaoke: “oh, do you want me to sing?”

Sing Billy Joel, Birdy!

Or the afternoon at White Water World when a photographer asked Preston Campbell to pick up a kid in the wave pool one more time so he could capture it on film and the kid freaked the hell out. If you haven’t seen a kid in Preston’s arms yelling ‘F*CK! LET ME GOOOOO!’ like a stranger-danger educational video, you haven’t lived. Amazing.

We may also have given Cory Paterson a marshmallow rose to make up for the fact that we didn’t get him a special Valentine’s gift like the sweet teddy bear we bought for George Rose. See! We still love ya Cory!

But possibly the weirdest moment of the trip was as we left the All-Stars game at Skilled and Sassy was explaining – loudly, because she’s loud – how weird it is that everyone in Queensland is in love with Darren Lockyer (they totally are).

Then, all of a sudden, a dude in a Maroons jersey puffing on a durry appeared from nowhere and said “DID YOU HEAR THAT? SOMEONE’S TALKING SHIT ABOUT LOCKY!”

Is there some kind of … bat signal? Like a cut-out of Locky’s head that alerts Queenslanders when someone questions their footballing hero? Where did he come from? How did he knowwwwww?

Maybe he’s friends with the girl who sat next to us in the stands and had Queenslander tattooed on her back. In maroon. Queenslanders, you amaze us.

But there was one little bit of All-Stars magic that we caught on video just for y’all. Greg Bird has a conspiracy theory and he wants you to know all about it:

IT’S A MEDIA CONSPIRACY! You know it’s true. How else could one man have a record of SO MANY unflattering photos? You know it makes sense.

Now we’ll leave you with a selection of our favourite photos taken by Kiki and Yasmin. How many sleeps till All-Stars 2012?

Kittens, there are many, many things that I cannot explain about the Golden Globes.

I can’t explain why, even though she’s objectively smoking hot, Megan Fox kind of grosses me out. I can’t explain why Angelina Jolie looked like she was on about fifteen xanax for the whole ceremony. Or why Robert Downey Jr can be simultaneously so short, so odd, and so incredibly attractive.

Who knows? He just is.

More importantly, I have NO GODDAMN IDEA how Jennifer Love Hewitt could play an accidental hand-job-giving happy-endings masseuse in a TV miniseries and end up nominated for an award in the same category as Judi Dench.

What I can do – really, really well – is judge things. And here are my top five hand-picked Most Memorable Looks of the Week:

1. January Jones and her rack. Because if you’re not nominated, and you dress like Jessica Rabbit, you still win. Win at LIFE.

2. Look! It’s Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester taking a break from her life as a polygamous sect-wife to attend the Globes. I can’t be bothered googling so I’ll just assume every one hated this, but it ticks every single one of my style boxes. Faded floral print? High waist? Leg’o'mutton sleeve? Yes please! It has serious 1970s Gunne Sax vibes, and I already own six of those dresses from second-hand stores.

3. I am 99% sure that this look is lifted from a Shape magazine photo spread about loving your curves. Grab a form-fitting shape-enhancing one piece swim suit with matching sheer sarong and you can go from the pool to the cocktail bar in no time. See page 65 for stockists.

4. I look at this dress and the big red rose growth in the middle, and all I can think of is that skin cancer ad, where little red melanomas start growing and crawling around in your bloodstream as you tan. SKIN CELLS IN TRAUMA! HER DRESS HAS A MELANOMA! Thank you Nat, for reminding me of the danger of sun exposure. Also, congratulations on the award ‘n’ shit.

Pic source

5. So it wasn’t at the Golden Globes but dammit if this didn’t make my day. Greg Bird in cricket whites, y’all. Greg Bird in cricket whites. Apparently at the SCG the other night, playing to support the Learn, Earn Legend program, Birdy bowled 4 for 6. Sadly, not enough to snag victory for the legends team over the junior team they played against. But at least it confirmed something I would totally have guessed: Birdy’s a spin bowler. OF COURSE HE IS. Just like our beloved Shane Warne. Why sprint 30 metres to bowl, when you can take two steps and flick your wrist?

Golden Globes pics. Getty Images

WE HAVE SOME VERY IMPORTANT NEWS! It’s boob month!

October is breast cancer awareness month. If you love boobs, or women, or puppies, or health, or sunshine, or rainbows, then you will want to do something, show your support, and maybe rustle up a few dollars for the cause. One of the best ways is to visit the McGrath Foundation website. They work to try and reach Jane McGrath’s dream of placing breast care nurses in communities all over Australia, and to make sure women know how to look after their own health. Funnily enough, they’re also partners for the NRL One Community Women in League program. THEY DO SO MUCH GOOD STUFF. Go! Help!

It’s okay, I’ll wait.

In other vitally important news and current affairs, people have complained about the entertainment at the Grand Final. It’s kind of comforting, really. Like Christmas! You always know it’s coming. Complaints include “who is this young person’s hippity-hop crew? I care not for them!”, “that young woman’s pants are too tight!” and  ”all this jumping around is like a Nathan Blacklock tribute show!”

And if I can paraphrase, Steve Mascord’s response was pretty much this miming shit is embarassing.

We shouldn’t comment on entertainment value, cause personally, we think nothing will ever be as good as the year they flew in Jimmy Barnes in a helicopter. Now that’s entertainment. But what I can say is that one half of You Am I’s performance made me feel … awkward.

That look on Obama’s face? That was me.

In the year of the Timana Tahu racism scandal did we really have to pick Brown Sugar as the entertainment? The one about how black people are better dancers and black chicks are heaps hot and that? The one that was originally called Black P*ssy? Because I thought it was traditional to avoid culturally insensitive and potentially blaxploitative songs in a racism-year. The Rolling Stones have like a billion other songs. I blame you for this, Tim Rogers!

You can make it up to me by going to the NRL site and voting for the indigenous all-stars, right now. Because indigenous peeps celebrating indigenous culture and achievement is both awesome and decidedly un-awkward.

Running a close second in the awkward stakes is Cameron ‘a dingo grappled Sam Thaiday!’ Smith. We get in trouble sometimes (a lot) for bagging the Storm. We are often (always) accused of being too harsh on them and blatantly biased. Well, your honour, this time Cam really did do something awful! I swear!

Melbourne Storm skipper Cameron Smith was strangely absent from this year’s NRL grand final but added a personal touch to Collingwood’s AFL triumph over St Kilda.

There’s no excuse for helping AFL. Especially not when you follow it up with this clanger:

“It was a funny feeling because it’s the first time I haven’t been involved in the finals.

“I remember thinking it doesn’t even feel like a grand final because we weren’t there.”

I’m sorry, I just choked on my tongue a little from the awkwardness of that quote. Pssst, Cam, you’re making yourself sound like a dick! *nudge nudge*

Let’s all cleanse our brains quickly by looking at complete adorableness of the Shiloh Jolie-Pitt of the NRL, also known as Hot Bitch’s baby:

Lastly, Errol congratulations gropes to two of our favourite Errol dudes for making the Kangaroos squad for the Four Nations tournament. Tommy Learoyd-Lahrs made it for the first time and the Raiders interviewed him and his awesome hair for you to watch.

Greg Bird made it for the second time even though he only just got back in the league. And did we mention he knows how to rock a suit? Because last night at the Titans’ Paul Broughton award night he definitely did.

Two incredible achievements right there: representing your country, and looking schmick. Yep, two INCREDIBLE achievements.

Pics. Getty Images, Gold Coast Bulletin.

Recently, we’ve made a lot of new discoveries.

As part of her ‘Wet July’ campaign*, Sassy discovered that the Beach Road Hotel is exactly one longneck’s walk from her front door. She loves a roadie, and hates drink driving.

Kiki discovered that cleaning out a rabbit hutch is Extremely Unpleasant. Turns out her new pet bunny Preston Campbell is far less hygienic and tidy than the real Preston Campbell.

And after being slightly distressed last night (there may have been a tear or two) we discovered that even when you get maroon-washed you can still feel pretty proud the next morning.

See those big penguins? That’s us. Bein’ proud Origin parents.

Let’s break it down.

Three weeks can make a shitload of difference, huh? Even though the first ten minutes wasn’t exactly all the Blues dreams come true (understatement), the next 60 proved that when you play like you can win and get your blue asses all up in Queensland’s business, then you can win. It was a slightly-less-violent version of last year’s game three attitude. It also reminded us of the game back in 2009 where the bottom-eight Raiders beat the Minor Premiers St George out of nowhere just by gettin all up in their grills. This is also known as The Game Where T.Camps Threw a Ball at Dean Young’s Head. Also known as One Of Our Favourite Games Ever.

Hugging Gidley = v. important part of captain’s duties.
Pic. Getty Images

Straight after full time, we won’t lie, we were desolate. Seeing them come so close, but fall short, was sad sad sad. It may have even caused us to self-medicate with booze. But in retrospect, this is good. We is PROUD.

The last five years for NSW supporters have been like a five-year lesson in parenting. What do you do when you have children who disappoint you? What do you do when they make bad choices, when they get bullied, when they don’t believe in themselves? How do you deal with kids who fail to live up to their potential?

Apparently – and we checked this with our own mums to make sure – you can’t give kids back. It’s called ‘abandonment’ and people frown upon it.

Little Kurt just doesn’t understand.

So we stuck with the boys, just kept telling them we loved them and makin em peanut butter sandwiches or whatever young people eat these days … and last night we finally got the parental payoff. We think they call this feeling … PRIDE?

We get it now when parents say that they don’t care what mark you get “JUST AS LONG AS YOU TRY YOUR BEST DARLING”.

So let’s give some special shoutouts to our kids:

WE’RE SORRY, KURT GIDLEY: After all this drama, turns out you can play like a fucking demon when you want to (and when the selectors put you on the bench, where a good utility belongs). We’re sorry about the time we said on twitter you were ruining our lives. Now who else wants to sign the apology card?

WHAT UP FORMER INTERN GREG BIRD! Birdy, we knew you could do it all along. You’re a tough little nugget of awesome, and you proved it when you went over the line to ground the grubber, and in defence. ORIGIN 4 LYFE.

JARRYD HAYNE: Great game. Your other games weren’t great, but whatevs. That cut out pass to Brett Morris was MAGIC. You’re totally getting a bike for Christmas.

TOM LEAROYD-LAHRS AHOY! What? We have eyes. And as well as being a hot bitch, Tommy LL proved you don’t have to be the kind of player that racks up judiciary points to have enough (that hated word) “mongrel” to play Origin. Bitch is tough.

PAUL GALLEN: We don’t say nice things about Sharks players. You can make up your own complimentary feedback.

BUT ME JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED. WON’T SOMEONE HUG ME?
Pic. Quentin Jones

And the best bit of it? Not one player in that team played themselves out of a Blues jersey. For New South Welshfolk this feels weird. But we assure you it’s totally normal. We dare you to tell us who shouldn’t get another chance. Not even B.Moz when he cruelly murdered a try. Not even Ennis with his …. poor choice to join in a punch up in his own half. Not even Flash Gordon in his First Ever Origin, playing in the Position of Death. Sure there was that moment where he had some kind of attacking brain snap and ran in-field when the left side was open but whatever, Gidley ended up scoring anyway.

Sure Queensland played through some gaps out wide but that’s not necessarily a wing failure. That’s a whole line failure. And we’re 99% sure it’s the kinda thing that you fix by playing together, no?

They all played like boys who want to wear blues jerseys. Meaning they all played like boys who deserve blue jerseys. Luke Lewis, in the minutes he was on the field played like TWO men who should wear blue jerseys.

The exception was probably the last ten minutes, when they played like guys who all of a sudden realised they might actually win this thing and were so shocked and delighted and confused by the prospect of it happening that they lost their damn minds. But it happens, right? When you’re not used to winning it’s harder to win. Next time, it’ll be a teeny bit easier.

The maroons are good at football, bad at counting. Check out JT, Matt Scott and Darius.
Pic. Getty Images

Meanwhile, this is probably the point where we should discuss Queensland. We don’t like doing this. Yes, you’re all very good at football. Yes, that was a very good kick Darren Lockyer. Yes, Sam Thaiday we know you love fightin’, but stop trying to join in other people’s punch-ups. Also, tie your shorts a bit tighter next time pls.

Yes, letting Israel Folau take the last conversion attempt was kind of gross. (Nothing personal, Izzy). We could have written it off as “a touching farewell” if it wasn’t for the whole matter of Queensland first REFUSING to pick him on moral grounds, then picking him anyway cause he’s one of their two best wingers, then pimping him out as a hero. GROSS.

Do you know what is personal though? B.Moz and his injured knee. We blame you. Kiki in particular blames you. If someone in a balaclava knocks on your door then Tonya Hardings your knee, it’s probably her.

We would like to suggest that any team that would injure Brett Morris – beloved by all – is clearly in league with the powers of darkness.

As opposed to our team, who are on the whole pretty handsome, totally lovable, and wear delightfully short shorts.

And that’s SoO for 2010, over and out.

You stay classy, Origin fanz.
Pic. Cameron Richardson

* Wet July is just like Dry July, except instead of getting sponsored to be sober … you give money to charity yourself, then get drunk. Feel free to join in.

Let’s get this out of the way: WE GOT A HUG FROM JAMAL. IT’S ON VIDEO. YOU WILL SEE IT. IT WAS AMAZING.

Now, where were we?

Day 1 of our Port Macquarie Odyssey took us to local skills clinics with both City and Country teams and some Port Mac schoolkids. Pretty obviously, the weather was a massive bitch. Hence, we look like slightly drowned dogs, and did most of our interviews under a random signing marquee. Good times.

Here’s the rundown, before we get to the sweet video action: Intern Lachie is so teeny! Yes, we see him around the office every day, but we have an average height of 5’5″, so seeing him amongst other footy players is completely different and really worries us. Don’t break him please!

Lots of you asked for Josh Dugan interviews, but this morning he was far too busy talking on his mobile and being interviewed in a public toilet block by a really shifty looking ‘journo’ for us to get interviews … sorry guys! Next time, we promise.

Jamal got the same treatment; we like to call it George Michael TV.

Make sure you pay attention in our favourite bits of the video:

* Todd Carney shifting around like he has ants in his pants, thanks to Michael Robertson and Joel Thompson sitting off-camera and playing footsies with Todd’s Crotch.

* Ronnie Palmer gazing off into the distance as he talks about shorts, and how he secretly rolls his up when no one’s looking. What was he looking at? Carty was cracking up, at Ronnie’s expense.

* Carty fending off the ‘ambush’ questions about us being pests. According to him we are “very good girls”. AWWWW.

Sadly, what you can’t see in the video (but we could see) is how interested Greg Bird was in the informative literature we brought about the sights of Port Macquarie. He loved it! Couldn’t wait to find out what historical peccadillos Port had in store for him. We are also 99% sure Joel Thompson took home the Frangipanni massage pamphlet. Good choice.

After we wrapped up our interviews, we headed back to town for lunch. Something classy for two classy ladies … like Subway. As we were parking we drove past Carty and Ronnie – everyone’s favourite City rugby league power couple – heading out for a lunch date. They seemed to like Sassy’s mum’s sweet Subaru station wagon. “Nice car, girls”.

Apparently everyone had the same idea, because inside Subway we found half of the city team on a sandwich date: Trent Waterhouse, Lachlan Coote, Joel Reddy, Tim Grant and Michael Jennings. Before you ask, no we aren’t stalking them. And yes, they eat Subway, just like regular people!

Kiki had a Moment of Trauma in Subway when she found herself lined up behind Trent Waterhouse, really really wanting to order a footlong turkey sub, but kind of embarassed since giant prop Trent Waterhouse had just ordered a footlong, too. After a brief moment of indecision: does she just WHISPER her order? should she order a six-inch like a lady? … she thought DAMMIT. I REALLY WANT MY FOOTLONG. Cue the following exchange at the cash register:

Kiki: “I can’t believe I eat the same lunch as a footballer”
Subway dude: “… actually a little bit more”
Sassy: “Is that cause she ordered double cheese?”

Till next time darlings!

Kittens, I am officially losing all sense of perspective. Sure I was kind of a bitch before, but apparently I have now become so obsessed with our fantasy league experiment that I have lost all concern for right and wrong.

Every time I hear the word “scandal” and “league star”, my heart leaps and I just start really really praying that some awesome player has been caught in a compromising (but not deregistration-worthy) position with his pants off in a public street, possibly involving some kind of escort or domestic beast, just so I can draft him into the Second Chances. I care not for their reputation or family life, I just wanna win.

So you can imagine how happy I was when I heard “LEAGUE STAR CAUGHT DRINK DRIVING” on my radio this week.

(Happy as a pig in shit, for those who aren’t good at imagining stuff).

Disclaimer: may not be the actual Tony Williams

Then I heard the rest of the story and realised it was Tony Williams from the Sea Eagles. Thanks for nothin, universe.

So here’s how it went down in round five:

The lil Angels had their ups and their downs. Adorable Timmy Moltzen racked up 1 point before he injured his ACL and had to be helped from the field up at Dairy Farmer’s stadium. ONE POINT! ACL! GAME OF DEATH!

It’s always sad when awful things happen to people that cute. I mean, a halfback settling into his position with untapped and potentially massive potential. If Tim’s reading (and who are we kidding, he totally is), we think he should come by for milkshakes and movies at Errol HQ.

And brand new hooker and captain Issac Luke: 96 points. 96. points. I am starting to hate him already.

Total: 519 points.

And finally, finally, over in camp Second Chances, my faith in our favourite chicken nugget Greg Bird was repaid. After some dismal 16 point performances, he locked in 60 this week. Hurrah Greg Bird!

Disclaimer: may not be actual Greg Bird

This is the kind of redemption and success that the Second Chances stand for. Makes me wanna start some kind of giant group hug.

Sadly, the feathered one was the stand out, and my little troublemakers lost to Kiki by just 20 points.

Total: 499 points.

That leaves the Angels at 12th and the Second chances at 13th on the Oh Errol league table. It’s so close you could throw a snuggie over those bitches. Please don’t though, because Snuggies are an abomination against God.

Till next week! GO THE SECOND CHANCES.

UPDATE: I have renovated the Second chances for round six! Please welcome Lote and Laffranchi, and the returning Pom.

We googled ‘fantasy’ and this is what came up. Awesome.

WHAT UP ERROLERS!

Welcome to Fantasy League Friday. This will be a weekly occurence. And by ‘weekly occurence’ we mean it will appear every Friday until we get distracted/lose interest/spill vodka all over our laptops making it impossible to blog. But never fear darlings, it’s safe to say we are completely and utterly obsessed with fantasy league. Hardly a suprise, considering we never do anything by halves. But for Kiki it’s got to the point where she couldn’t sleep a few nights during the week because she was stressing over what changes she should make to her team. TRUE STORY.

Anyway, let’s cut to the chase shall we? Who is better, the sinners or the saints? Wellllll…..*very dramatic drum roll*….

WINNER

Kiki Lil Angels : 400 points

LOSER

Sassy’s Second Chances : 396 points

DAAAAAAMN. So close for Sassy, yet so so far. Kiki feels lucky to ‘get away with a win’ so has repressed any urges to perform an obnoxious victory dance.

As you may have noticed, neither of us scored particularly highly. Why so? Because, as is the answer we use so often….we are idiots. We didn’t realise the bench players actually contributed points. Sure we shoulda realised that considering that’s how actual football works but…WE ARE IDIOTS, REMEMBER?

Consequently our benches weren’t properly thought out and had players that didn’t even play over the weekend, that’s why we are so shit in our own competition etc etc.

So this week, the gloves are off and we is Serious Supercoaches. Any loyalty we had towards players we picked in the first round has been swiftly disposed of replaced with cut throat pragmatism. Sure, Kiki adores Daniel Mortimer but the useless (and expensive) thing only scored her 11 points. ELEVEN POINTS PEOPLE. He’s gone.

Behold, this weeks transfers -

Kiki’s Lil Angels

Nick Kenny in for John Kite - well John Kite wasn’t even named in his team last week, a detail Kiki managed to overlook. Nick Kenny is a worthy member of the Angels, as he was a nominee for Ken Stephens Medal in 2009. We worked the One Community Awards for the NRL and consequently had to study what each nominee had done. We won’t go into details but Nick’s good deeds moved Kiki to tears. Actual wet droplets coming from her eyes.

Also, he’s a qualified physio so if one of the Angels has an injury he can use his Jesus like hands to do some miracle healing. NICK KENNY YOU ARE LOVE.

Corey Patterson in for Alan Tongue – Sorry, Sir Alan. You didn’t do anything specifically wrong, but Corey scored more points last week and cost less on the salary scale. He qualifies for the Angels because he’s fronted up publicly about his battle with clinical depression and encouraged others to seek help.

Joseph Tomane in for Daniel Mortimer - Reason for cutting Dan Dan are above. Kiki googled Tomane and he has yet to have a public scandal so BAM welcome to the Angels Jo.Toms!

Sam Perrett in for Krisnan Inu – One Jebus lover in for another! Sam is what we lovingly call ‘a happy clappy Christian’. Hey if you’re gonna worship the lord you should totally do it while harmonising with other Islanders right? He also has a lovely habit of high scores in fantasy league. Sorry Krisnan. Maybe start praying to your Mormon God for more ball.

[Also - Sam deserves a little public adulation after he was CRUELLY ROBBED in the Footy Show's talent contest back in ... whenever it was. The Soul Brothers from the Roosters were clearly a billion times better than the James Blunt dude who won it. - Sassy]

Due to his amazing high score last week, Coach Kiki has ditched Nips Farah as her captain and given Sam the honour. DON’T LET HER DOWN SAMUEL.

Over in the Second Chances camp, spirits are high. Sure, the boys didn’t take home the 2 points for the win, but there are Very Promising Signs. Their fearless leader Todd Carney smashed his first round with 51 points. Fifty-One!

After the game the rest of the team spontaneously stood on the locker room benches and chanted O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN. It was some straight-up emotional Dead Poets Society shit.

Sadly former intern Greg Bird didn’t sparkle as Coach Sassy had hoped. He played not so much like a footy star seeking redemption as … a potato with hands. Hands made of other uncoordinated potatoes. BUT WE LIVE IN HOPE. Coach Sassy is harsh, but fair. She’s ruthless, but occasionally merciful. And this week instead of cutting Greg Bird and his miserable 11 points, she’s giving him another week and lots of cuddles to see if he can improve. Sassy was also devastated when her favourite Jewish winger Bronx ‘Goldwin’ Goodwin was injured in reserve grade. There go his chances of being a Second Chance.

We did boot the injured Arana Taumata and Nathan Fien, and welcome driving-offender Cooper Vuna and Terence Seu Seu for his fine supporting work in the Brett Seymour scandal. It’s actually a hell of a lot harder than you would think to find a scandal-prone hooker. Plus Lote Tuqiri was unwilling to sign as the Second Chances winger for the money we were offering. Sigh. Welcome aboard, kids!

GAME ON.

It’s not really a surprise that following his arrest, overnight incarceration, bail, and allegations of domestic violence and lying to police, we’ve had to stand down Intern Greg Bird indefinitely.

It’s true that we’ll miss his around-the-office initiatives, like Meat Pie Monday (also Meat Pie Tues-Fri), and obviously if it turns out the allegations are incorrect we’ll be happy to have him back.  But we are also firmly opposed to violence of the non-fictional variety, and to violence against women in particular.

We’re all quite tacken aback, to be honest, and we don’t want to mess around or send mixed messages about this kind of stuff.  And we know you don’t really want to read it anyway.  We have no idea what happened and blogging about it would just be tacky.

So if you’re looking for any more Greg Bird info, we’re sorry but we’re not going to be able to give you any until at least the 8th of October (when he’s due in court).  Yes we love a bit of harmless gossip, but we’re not in the business of rustling up defamation suits, so we’re leaving all the allegations and the scandal well alone.

We are happy to announce though, that after John John made himself a Captain’s hat from a sheet of newspaper and pulled us all in for a group rendition of ‘Love will Keep us Together’, he accepted a promotion to an internship.

We’re also super excited that little Lachlan Coote – who, sadly, has quite a lot of time on his hands at the moment – accepted our offer of a regular work experience gig.

Well, to be exact, he said he’d have to ask his mum and dad, but we’re taking that as a yes.

And because when it rains it pours – the sad day is coming when we have to say goodbye to our beloved Intern Brownie.  He stopped non-speaks with me long enough today to tell us all he’s leaving us to put all his efforts into the Dragons’ finals campaign and into packing up all his favourite knitted sweaters for his move to the UK.

In his place, we have Reni Maitua joining us as an intern and starting next week.  He’s agreed in his contract to cease all gang-related activity and we think he’ll come through.  Stay tuned to see the new interns in action.

Sending lots of love, and all of our thoughts to Kate Milligan.