Oh, how I’ve missed you Errol-ers. I remember the carefree days of regular blogging, mocking sportsmen far and wide and telling embarassing personal anecdotes whenever I felt like it. But lately, things have been a little … demoralising.

My noble employer has decided to turn One HD from a sports channel to a general entertainment channel, which is actually kind of awesome since it means we get wicked awesome shows like An Idiot Abroad and Sons of Anarchy. But let’s just say that dealing with irate members of the public abusing you via the twitter and the Facebook and threatening to send in bombs to the office (that really happened) can put a dent in a girl’s inspiration to write footy blogs.

Although it did teach me fun facts, like there are at least 8 people on Twitter who want a dedicated A-League show on free-to-air TV, and that, often, people are straight-up nuts. Good to know.

The other thing that can get a blogger mighty depressed is OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME ROOSTERS? Losing to the Sharks at Shark Park is the worst kind of loss. It’s embarassing, it bodes badly for the rest of the season, and it proves that even my successful Nathan Gardner voodoo doll isn’t enough to save my team.

No wonder Nate Myles is leaving to go to the Titans. Up there it’s all sunshine and Jamal Idris and children’s tv, back in Bondi it’s driving Todd Carney to AA meetings and drowning your sorrows at the Maccas near Tom Ugly’s bridge after you lose to Cronulla.

But just when I hit the lowest point and was fighting the urge to put on a snuggie and eat a wheel of cheese as big as my head Liz Lemon-stylez … Mal Meninga inspired me.

But the big story was 25-year-old Nielsen, who has only racked up 42 first grade games since his 2008 NRL debut before getting the Origin call. 

Nielsen comes in for Inglis who is expected to be ruled out for up to a month after again injuring the hip that required pre-season surgery.

North Queensland-bred Nielsen looked overawed facing the huge media contingent in Brisbane on Tuesday but Meninga had no problem throwing him into the Origin deep end.

Asked what Nielsen could offer the side, Meninga said: “He’s a proud Queenslander.”

OH NO YOU DIDN’T MAL. YOU DID NOT JUST SAY YOU PICKED NIELSEN FOR HIS QUEENSLAND SPIRIT. As opposed to, oh say … his footy skills?

Apparently in Queensland, pride in your State is the footy equivalent of how mums suddenly get super-strength so they can lift their four-door Yukon SVUs off their squished babies in a Walmart carpark. (Why does that only happen in America, by the way?)

Forget about 15 years of training and dedication and footy education, all you need is pride! Queensland spirit conquers all!

And just like that, I was revived by how irritated Queenslanders make me!

Although I do have to give massive props to Mal for his team selection in general.

1. I find Dane Nielsen’s curly hair completely adorable. If he wasn’t a dirty Queenslander I’d travel back in time to 1993 and put an A4 poster of him from TV Hits on the back of my bedroom door like I used to do with JTT.

Boilers still got it, ladies!

2. Petero! I just like seeing that ole Oak tree out on the field. It reminds me of the time he and Steve Price were bunkmates in the ‘Boiler Room’ and I lol to myself every time.

3. Corey Parker and his AussieBum undies are a fine, fine addition to any team. I assume that the little sewing minions at AB are whipping up a range of Maroon undergarments and speedos for him as we speak. If you’re not sure on the size, maybe just go ahead and assume he wears his speedos like Chris Heighington wears his jerseys … circulation-threateningly small. The ladies and gays of Queensland will be grateful, at least.

4. A+ for effort and improvement on the legitimacy front. Well, mainly it’s probably just the result of bad luck and coincidence. But for whatever reason, the Maroons is now almost entirely made up of men from Queensland. Hurrah! GOLD STAR FOR YOU GLEN COCO. YOU GO GLEN COCO.

And how do you properly pay tribute to this new team of authentic Maroons? By introducing them under a blue spotlight to old-school 90s classics like Jump Around by house of Pain. Oh yessss. If you missed the Queensland team announcement, Imma recap that shit for you, because I think it may be just about as hilarious as that time Nips Farah and Sam Burgess were on Ready, Steady, Cook!

We open on a dimly lit Brisbane conference room. Chairman of selectors Gene Miles says stuff that is boring. He then tells us that the first player named for the Maroons squad will be Billy ‘Pony Club’ Slater.

Birry saunters out and is hit by a crazy blue spotlight as the speakers start blasting a sweet 90s mix of “Whoomp! There is is” AND “Pump Up the Jam”. Did he pick it himself? I like to think so. He carries a little cardboard sign saying ‘Billy Slater’ up to the stage and some girl who is obviously the Queensland Origin version of Adriana Xenedis takes it and puts it in a little slot on the stage backdrop.

Ooh, drama! It’s like Wheel of Fortune! Can I have an ‘M’ for Meninga, please Tony Barber?

Darius Boyd comes out to ‘Raise some hell’ and Dane Nielsen gets P!nk. Huh. Gene reads all the names so sceptically. Like there’s an implied IF THAT’S REALLY YOUR NAME after every person. The [alleged] Willie Tonga comes out and they forget to press play, so he just walks to the stage to give Adraiana his card in silence, then sits in his little seat for a few seconds while we finally get to listen to the intro to House of Pain ‘Jump Around’. Not gonna lie, I enjoyed it.

Jharal Yow Yeh rocks out to the Black Eyed Peas ‘Pump It’. And by ‘rocks out’ clearly I mean ‘walks quickly and nervously while looking at the ground and possibly blushing’.

Finally, the grande dame of Queensland footy Darren Lockyer emerges and it’s time for The Final Countdown. Seriously? I don’t even know. When I try and remember what it looked like all I can see it this:

Hey, do you guys remember the 90s trance-dance-techno hit Here’s Johnny? Well hello there Jonathan Thurston!

Matt Scott! Guns n Roses! More Queenslanders! And what song could suit Cam Smith better than Macho Man?

From now on, he shall be known as ‘The Cop’ … or ‘The Biker’. Depending on my mood. There’s totally a resemblance, right?

No Birdy, that’s not a dig at moustaches. Yours is pretty much our favourite thing in footy right now.

Petero is Bad to the Bone. Sam Thaiday gets Bad Boys. This is all so weird I can’t even explain it. The weirdest thing is that they didn’t pick either ‘Gimme More’ OR ‘Barracuda’ for Cooper Cronk. Big mistake. Huge.

I make all my coworkers watch it approximately five times. We realise Nate Myles is accidentally spelled NATE MILES on his little card.

I know, right?

Sometimes, I think Queenslanders do this shit on purpose to amuse me. The XXXX / spelling jokes write themselves, people!

And just as I start to worry that with the addition of Corey Parker, the Queensland team will be almost as adorable as my boys in blue, I snap back to my senses.

Even our 18th man is slightly oversized, often confused and completely lovable like a labrador puppy. If labrador puppies had sweet dance moves.

Aaah we love our boys. And the rest of you, get back to us at the end of July and we’ll start back up where we left off, yeah?

Pics. Getty Images

SO MUCH FOOTY NEWS. Jamal’s going to the Goldy, and Uncle Wayne’s going to Newcastle … allegedly for the princely sum of $6 million. Can you imagine how many Henny Penny chicken rolls that buys?

As for Jamal: on one hand, the Titans biggest worry isn’t the centres … is it? (hint: no)

But on the other hand, JAMAL’S GETTING A TV SHOW. This is one of the most brilliant footy initiatives we’ve ever heard. It’s right up there with Indigenous All-Stars.

The giant human teddy will be following in the hallowed footsteps of such other tv luminaries as Malcom-Jamal ‘Theo Huxtable’ Warner from the Cosby show, and the classic C Bear and Jamal starring Tone Loc.

Yes, you heard that right. There are clips on YouTube and everything. Tone Loc is a multimedia superstar.

As for tipping superstars – Earl Hickey won round five, which leaves the overall leader board looking a little like this:

ps I’m coming 82nd. Shut up.

But what I’m hoping is that not seeing any footy for a week will somehow help my tipping (it can’t make it any worse). Because I’ll be here:

for the next week, dancing embarassingly and talking loudly in an Aussie accent and generally having holiday partytimes. So your tipping update will be a little late next week, but I’ll be tweeting from LA and Coachella if American phone networks let me and Kiki’ll be manning the Errol footy updates with help from John John and his hotpants.

Leave a comment if you have a cute American boy to set me up with / a killer idea for Jamal’s new TV show / requests for LA photos or updates.

See you soon! xx S

pic. Gold Coast Titans

Clear out the tumbleweeds, your bitches are back!

We’ve been up on the Goldy for All-Stars week, which, along with City-Country week, is basically the footy blogger version of Christmas. What were we doing, you ask? Well, obviously we were generally hanging around, being loud, and making pervy comments. Cause, you know, fish gotta swim.

But in between we made some little videos for OneHD:

Benji Marshall told us some seriously weird shit about sharing a bed with Liam Fulton

Scott Prince told us that George Rose reckons he’s “the best dancer over 100kgs” - do they have dance-related weight classes? Like in boxing? They totally should.

Laurie Daley told us just how often Jamal Idris falls asleep

Feleti Mateo admitted he’s scared of heights

Freddy Fittler explained how Petero Civoniceva is the WORST SURFER IN THE WORLD

We gave a valentine to George Rose

We looked like hobbits standing next to Cory Paterson

Shaun Kenny-Dowall talked about chicken (of course he did)

… and Josh Dugan was generally adorable.

The only sad thing is that so much awesomeness didn’t make it into our videos. We wish you could’ve seen Jamal Idris put Cliff Lyons in a play-headlock, or the under-16s player from Queensland who HAD A FULL BEARD. Or when we asked Greg Bird for an interview and he thought the mike was for karaoke: “oh, do you want me to sing?”

Sing Billy Joel, Birdy!

Or the afternoon at White Water World when a photographer asked Preston Campbell to pick up a kid in the wave pool one more time so he could capture it on film and the kid freaked the hell out. If you haven’t seen a kid in Preston’s arms yelling ‘F*CK! LET ME GOOOOO!’ like a stranger-danger educational video, you haven’t lived. Amazing.

We may also have given Cory Paterson a marshmallow rose to make up for the fact that we didn’t get him a special Valentine’s gift like the sweet teddy bear we bought for George Rose. See! We still love ya Cory!

But possibly the weirdest moment of the trip was as we left the All-Stars game at Skilled and Sassy was explaining – loudly, because she’s loud – how weird it is that everyone in Queensland is in love with Darren Lockyer (they totally are).

Then, all of a sudden, a dude in a Maroons jersey puffing on a durry appeared from nowhere and said “DID YOU HEAR THAT? SOMEONE’S TALKING SHIT ABOUT LOCKY!”

Is there some kind of … bat signal? Like a cut-out of Locky’s head that alerts Queenslanders when someone questions their footballing hero? Where did he come from? How did he knowwwwww?

Maybe he’s friends with the girl who sat next to us in the stands and had Queenslander tattooed on her back. In maroon. Queenslanders, you amaze us.

But there was one little bit of All-Stars magic that we caught on video just for y’all. Greg Bird has a conspiracy theory and he wants you to know all about it:

IT’S A MEDIA CONSPIRACY! You know it’s true. How else could one man have a record of SO MANY unflattering photos? You know it makes sense.

Now we’ll leave you with a selection of our favourite photos taken by Kiki and Yasmin. How many sleeps till All-Stars 2012?

Have things been a little quiet around here? Not gonna lie, totally our fault. We’ve been busier than an *insert old man Aussie metaphor about flies or paper-hangers or something here*

But thankfully this week footy made a triumphant return (of sorts) into our lives: we hit up the NRL One Community Christmas party to at least get a little bit of an NRL fix. The party is basically a period of three awesome hours where a whole bunch of special kids and a handful of players from each of the Sydney clubs turn up to sit at kid-sized tables, probably share their opinions on the wikileaks scandal, eat kid-sized sandwiches, then play some mothereffin ten pin bowling.

Why is seeing footy players do non-footy activities so inherently hilarious? Because the second we saw Kade Snowden put his bowling shoes on we lost it.

But even while we’ve been slack with our writing, we haven’t stopped being inherently embarassing. We’re still us.

We arrived at the party in Christmas crowns and reindeer ears then proceeded to asked David Gallop what he wanted for Christmas and show Roy Asotasi photos of Kiki and her flattie Yasmin’s pet bunny … Roy Asotasi.

The resemblance is uncanny.

His first question was: “Why is he so … ginger?”

It’s a good question, Roy. And to be honest, I don’t have a good answer for you. I suspect it’s because none of us felt sure that it wasn’t kind of politically awkward, frankly, to ring up a bunny breeder and ask for a brown-coloured bunny so the girls could name it after a New Zealander with Samoan heritage. Is it? Who knows.

The bottom line is that Roy is a pretty little ginger, and Preston Campbell the bunny is a giant brown bunny that seriously dwarfs bunny-Roy.

To this, Roy said that he hopes Roy makes up for his small stature by being awesome.

And you also don’t have to worry, while we’ve been slack with our writing, we also haven’t gotten any more functional. Yesterday I left the Christmas party, realised I lost my parking validation ticket, had to pay a $40 lost fee, and was comforted by a nice old passing Hungarian man.

Looking back, maybe this is why I was subconsciously distracted and knocked a giant two-armed monitor stand of a desk as soon as I arrived in the building, then had to climb under a desk to attempt to reattach it while relative strangers held the monitors still. Sorry for wearing a skirt that day, y’all.

I also realise, looking back, that a flippy little floral skirt was a bad choice on one of the windiest days in history. Apologies to the people of Pyrmont to whom I showed my undies at least nine times.

I like to think I make up for all these mishaps by being awesome, like Roy Asotasi the bunny.

And while we were busy watching Anthony Watmough bowl like a professional (seriously, he’s really good) and the Tigers players eat all the sandwiches, the clubs have been busy with the start of pre-season training. Pre-season training is such a beautiful phrase. For one thing, it means it’s ALMOST FOOTY TIME AGAIN.

It also means it’s time for the annual NRL rookie camp, where they teach young boys how to play footy or be men … or something. We’re not really sure, and maybe we don’t want to know. All we really need to know is that it involves instructional powerpoint presentations like this:

At least, that’s what they did back in 2008. Maybe they don’t use the WHY TALENT IS NEVER ENOUGH … EVER slide anymore. Maybe the curriculum’s changed by now, and they have powerpoint slides telling the boys YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A GIRLFRIEND or YOU LOOK FAT IN THOSE PANTS. It’s just all about building confidence, you know?

But maybe best of all, this is the time of year when they make footy teams do embarassing things as a group all in the name of team bonding.

Pic. Gregg Porteous via News Limited

Well of course that’s Jamal Idris in an abseiling helmet. Of course it is. Because the Bulldogs were sent to Wombaroo to get their bond on. I totally went there for year six camp. I wonder if they had to spend a night out camping in tents and cook pasta with tinned tuna on a camp stove?

One things for sure, footy players always have to get in kayaks. It’s just maths:

2 men that weigh 100kgs + 1 flimsy plastic vessel designed for children = instant lolz.

Pic. Gregg Porteous via News Limited

Ahoy there Bryson Goodwin! Looking sharp.

Pic. Gregg Porteous via News Limited

That photo of Ben Barba is slightly less hilarious because it really freaks me out that the kayak behind is empty. Is anyone else getting some serious ‘The River Wild’ kinda flashbacks? Did Kevin Bacon kill the rest of the Bulldogs because they refused to lend him their rafting skills to escape from the law?

And in Canberra, Raiders management timed their comical bonding activites perfectly so Tommy Learoyd-Lahrs could do them with a moustache. Bravo, Canberra. Bravo.

Whenever I feel sad I’m gonng look at that picture and remember the fact that Dave Shilington and Brett White had to row a kayak together. Also, that Tommy LL gave a completely serious interview about how well he did in the flag-race.

Learoyd-Lahrs, though, wasn’t contemplating a switch to the Ironman circuit anytime soon.

”There wasn’t any great speed reached there,” he said.

”If you timed us with a sun dial it probably would’ve stopped.”

Footy, we miss you too, too much.

Well it happened, friends. Kiki’s Dragons and my Roosters clashed at the SCG. YES WE SURVIVED. It was surprisingly … civilised. Maybe the SCG just gives out those kind of vibes, because the whole thing was generally sunshiney and positive and lovely and genial. No, I’m not joking. Neither of us even got up and sang a song about scoring tries while doing an obnoxious little dance (which we usually really, really enjoy).

It also helped that there was a fucking fierce Roosters fan sitting behind us in a NSWRL-era jersey, who could perfectly imitate a rooster.

It’s hard to be depressed with a woman in a footy jersey cock-a-doodle-doing behind you. I think my mum actually has that embroidered on a teatowel.

It also helped that there was a lot to like. I cried a little tear when Kane Linnett limped from the field, but Todd Carney run the ball eased the pain. MAubs at centre for next week? Don’t mind if we do. Sure it might all go down in flames, but you can’t deny he runs beautiful lines and the bitch does have some footwork. I believe.

And lastly, it helped that some people had equally traumatic weekends:

Exhibit A: Intern John-John had to have his weekly leg-wax in public (well it was for charity)

Exhibit B: all of womanhood suffered as one when Matt Ballin’s face got injured. NOT THE FACE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Exhibit C: J.Aubs discovered that when you’re out injured for the season … you’re suddenly at the bottom of the pyramid and the boys totally make you do all the shit jobs.  eg. take over when there’s smoke burning your vulnerable little eyes. As if he doesn’t have enough problems! Stop laughing Todd Carney!

Exhibit D: Oh, Beau. That’s him trying to hail a cab after his weekend performance.

Exhibit E: The Storm lost Greg Inglis …. and their will to live.

That reminds me: in completely expected and in no way surprising signing news, Greg Inglis is a Bronco. We all know he’s a fucking bandit for a maroon jersey. Also, we totally predicted it in the latest issue of Rugby League Player (buy it. It’s ace). We also predicted GI will take his boat with him to Brissie and start a Whitsunday charter sail operation that ends in tragedy. We’re pretty much Nostradamus, or something.

Errol fave Flash Gordon is staying at Penrith,while Jeremy Smith has joined the dark side and signed to the Sharks. If nothing else, we hope he somehow manages to cheer up Anthony Tupou with his love and friendship. WHY SO SAD, TOOPS?

Apparently Steve Matai turned down the Warriors before he confirmed a deal with Manly, meaning his deal with Manly will be a whole lot less. He is a master negotiator, no? We’re 99% sure that when Manly do give him a deal it will be for a glass of water and one of Des’ used hairbrushes and he’ll fall to the ground running in circles like Homer negotiating with Burns.

And up in Brissie, the elder statesmen Darren Lockyer STILL refuses to announce his retirement, and Corey Norman is rapidly turning into Peter Costello, waiting and waiting for John Howard to retire until all of a sudden Malcolm Turnbull’s party leader and Costello is losing his hair. Sucks to be Corey.

Related question – if Darren Lockyer was a vampire, he would be the Master from Buffy, yes?

But screw signings, more importantly JAMAL IS ON TV. He’s signed is a brand new deal to get him on the Footy Show and on that cop show. You know, the one with Gary Sweet.

Well played, Channel 9. Well played. To quote Jamal “I’m not the next big thing, but I’m pretty close to it”. AMEN.

But best of all, DES HASLER MADE A FUNNY. Last night at the Harbord Diggers, George Rose and a team of players took on Dessie’s team in the “Stage of Origin” theatre sports. Just take a moment to think about that, won’t you? Dessie sticking his arms through someone’s armpits and pretending to interview a celebrity. Dessie playing ‘subtitles’. Dessie pretending to do accents.

Wow.

And on that note, I’m gonna leave you with a picture of the Roosters being adorable at a Mission Australia pre-City to Surf barbecue (shoutout to Dan!), and a link to see a shirtless George Rose rocking out at Stage of Origin. You’re welcome.

Hey, Shaun Kenny-Dowall, why so concerned about sausages?

(All game pics: Getty Images)

Well someone from the Melbourne Storm’s just become the most popular girl in school!

But first, let’s cover the breaking news stories of the day: Firstly, the Cronulla Sharks continue to win at life. Secondly, FACEBOOK IS EVIL. Apparently the police have warned the footy community that people might steal their identitiez on the interwebs, and Penrith have even banned Facebook and Twitter. Can I just say if they want anyone to travel around with Nigel Vagana and teach the boys how to be safe on the net (BE SAFE KIDS!), they should just send us. We’ll just slap them on the hands with rulers and yell MAKE YOUR FACEBOOK PRIVATE AND DON’T ADD RANDOMS. Done and done.

Now back to the breaking up of the Melbourne Big Four.

Now it’s a given in most people’s minds that, after the whole salary cap debacle, at least one of the Melbourne Storm’s Big Four will have to leave the loving embrace of Globo Gym. It’s just maths … right?

And no, I won’t call them the ‘Fab Four’. When did we start using that phrase? It makes Cooper Cronk, Cam Smith, Billy Slater and GI sound like a reincarnation of the Fab Five on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. This is patently ridiculous, because Cam Smith can’t cut hair, and even Carson Kressley is nowhere near as fierce as Fierce Bitch Cooper Cronk.

I rest my case.

I much prefer calling them the ‘Big Four’. It makes it sound like other clubs are hunting them down for sport, like big game hunters in Africa trying to bag the big five of African animals.

What was my point? I got distracted imagining Greg Inglis with a rhinoceros horn.

Oh right, competition is heating up between the NRL clubs to sort out who gets to take Greg Inglis home. Melbourne don’t want to let him go, plus the Broncos and the Titans both want him. But bitches better watch out, because someone new has stepped into the ring.

…. me? Really? He wants me?
pic. Getty Images

Oh yes, Russell Crowe wants GI for the Souths’ backline.

“He wants him bad,” a source close to Inglis said. “I’m not sure if it will happen but Russell will do what he can to get him there.”

HOW ARE THE OTHER TEAM OWNERS MEANT TO COMPETE WITH AN OSCAR WINNER? Not only does he have blue eyes like a husky and a voice as majestic as the Snowy Mountains, he also has a country estate AND he’s friends with Snoop Dogg. And according to the Tele, Rusty is ready to ‘wine and dine’ Greg, make some conversation about books and movies, order the second most expensive wine on the menu, and order the lobster for him in a chivalrous fashion until GI gives in and signs with the Rabbitohs. And by ‘signs with the Rabbitohs’, clearly I mean ‘takes his pants off’.

GI has since denied the whole story, but …. he would, wouldn’t he? This is Russell Crowe, after all. For all we know his phone calls have caveats of silence on them, like the CIA.

And our advice to GI is to play hard to get. That way hopefully he gets more play dates with Rusty. Genius, right? That’s what we’d do, anyway. Remember Rusty’s gladiator thumb (at the game where his Rabbitohs crushed my Roosters)? That was AWESOME. Russell is pretty much our favourite human ever, which is why we always defend him vehemently against the Fire Up! boys and hope to one day be loaded enough to follow his example and own our own footy teams. If Greg plays his cards right he could live our dream of being Russell’s bestie.

And if Sam Burgess is reading – who am I kidding, he totally is – don’t worry babe! We’re sure he still cares about you, too! When he took you to that movie set last year and told you Souths needed you, and only you, he totally meant it. He really does think your accent is adorable, and that you have a great tan and a beautiful smile. He just wants the freedom to see other people as well, you know?

And on the topic of pantslessness: remember last year when the Tigers had some kind of club-wide reading group going? The one where you could totally tell that Tim Moltzen was reading Sophie Kinsella’s ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’? Good times.

Well this year, it seems like the Tigers have moved on from encouraging kids to read good, and moved onto spreading the gospel of pantslessness. Now THIS is something everyone at Errol HQ can get behind. Heh, behind. We totally support the Tigers’ efforts to end the tyranny of pants!

Nips Farah tries to start a locker-room pants off revolution ….

… and Chris Lawrence takes it to the set of the Footy Show.

We love the Tigers’ Crusade against Pants almost as much as we love the news that JAMAL HAS HIS FIRST ACTING JOB. Not only is he gonna be on the Footy Show, he’ll have a guest spot on ‘Cops’ with Gary Sweet. Congratulations, Jamal baby! Our dream of seeing Jamal remake ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’ is getting closer and closer every day.

Now why don’t you take off your pants and tell us where you think GI will end up?

Thanks to the awesome Cronkster and Smithyman for the caps!

Errol is commitedly biased. This is why you like us, yes? So we’re going to keep you up to date all through Origin on the Awesome Shit that NSW Origin Players Do and Say. Catchy name, huh?

Pic. Getty Images

Today, we’re starting with Jamal Idris …. just being generally adorable. (How much do you love that he’s besties with Ben Creagh? So much).

According to Jamal, it’s tough living in Sydney sometimes.

‘It is hard. I feel for people like [Bulldogs teammate] Ben Barba, whose family is up in Mackay. There is no substitute for family, the only thing you can do is put your head down and try to take your mind off it, as hard as it is, wrap yourself up in a blanket of footy.”

A BLANKET OF FOOTY! Oh Jamal, you make our hearts want to explode with your cuteness. Also, nice metaphor! I’m serious. It’s vivid and rich.

Actually, the blues are all about playing with language this year, cause over in the second rowers section, Anthony Watmough was repping for tolerance in the best kind of way … with a pun.

Pic. Getty Images

We love ya Choc!

Lastly, and possibly bestly, apparently Timana Tahu is on a campaign to win back all the footy fans who thought he shouldn’t play Origin after “defecting” to union. The general essence of his plan? BEING AWESOME. He told reporters at the media call:

Queenslanders think Origin belongs to them.

They think this game is theirs and us New South Welshman are only good for turning up every year to get bashed. To lose.

That’s what they think, what their fans think, too. And to be honest, I hope that’s what Chris Close is telling them.

Because I can assure you they’ve got another thing coming this year. For me personally, this NSW jersey means more than any I wore representing my country in rugby. Means more than playing with the Kangaroos.

I put this jersey on and get shivers right down my back. Honestly, I get goosebumps.

To me this is the pinnacle.

Chills, chills.

Timana, darling, let’s never fight again.

Have you missed us darlings? I know, I know, it’s been a whole week and a half without any new Errol goodness in your lives.

Surprisingly, no, it’s not cause we were busy in our bunker sitting at a big judging desk, arguing, looking at photos, doing Tyra Banks impersonations, and picking the NSW Origin team. Although, Planet Eels suggested on twitter that we should be on the NSW selection panel, and to that we say YES PLEASE. CALL US ON YOUR COCONUT PHONE LAURIE DALEY, WE CAN FLY OUT IMMEDIATELY.

What we’ve actually been doing is dying slowly. The entire Errol office has come down with a hideous Ebola-like infection of death. We’ve been sleeping roughly 20 hours a day, coughing, wheezing, crying, moaning, and generally not being allowed out of our sanitary bubbles in case we infect the rest of the world. I’m actually kinda surprised no one has bled from the eyes or seen a vision of Jesus.

Needless to say, it’s kind of hard to blog when you can’t even make proper sentences. But thanks to the wonders of horse-strength antibiotics I’m vaguely upright, just in time to talk about Origin.

Come on down the boys in blue!

Kurt Gidley (capt)

Brett Morris

Matt Cooper

Timana Tahu

Jarryd Hayne

Jamie Lyon

Brett Kimmorley

Michael Weyman

Michael Ennis

Josh Perry

Trent Waterhouse

Ben Creagh

Anthony Watmough

Interchange:

Jamal Idris

Tom Learoyd-Lahrs

Luke Lewis

Brett White

… come on down so we can judge you.

FULLBACK

Ah, Gidley, we meet again. Having met Gidley, once, for about 30 seconds, I can confirm he is a human, speaks English and has two arms and two legs. Other than that, I know nothing special about him, but everyone says he is “a good bloke” (which is the greatest compliment an Australian can give) and a great captain and all-around footy-playing champ.

But he’s also Not Jarryd Hayne. Is he?

My flatmate Denee hates football, and all football-related things. They confuse and annoy her. But last night when I saw the Origin announcement and yelled “HOW CAN YOU HAVE A DALLY M WINNING FULLBACK AND NOT PLAY HIM AT FULLBACK?” even she said “… well that just makes no sense”.

MARK THIS DATE, PEOPLE. DENEE HAD HER FIRST EVER FOOTBALL OPINION.

And having watched last night’s game, apparently the writers at nrl.com would agree with her. Can’t say anymore than that.

OUTSIDE BACKS

We’re gonna say it, you knew we would. B.MOZZZZZZZ! MOZZIE MOZZIE MOZZIE! Without doubt the best winger right now based on form. Not to mention polite and lovely and all things sunshiney in this world. When B.Moz scores a try, angels lose their necks and get their wings.

And when B.Moz plays outside Hot Bitch Cooper … you can guess that bit. We’re defending this choice all the way, kids. Remember Hot Bitch’s tries at ANZ in 2008? We do. Our pants do too. When he’s in form he’s a menacing defender and massively strong and seeing him in form, in sky blue, restores our faith in the world.

Timana Tahu, on the other hand, makes us feel kinda nervous. As the ever-eloquent Daniel Anderson put it, at the beginning of the season he was “rubbish”. Fair call, coach. He’s an experienced player though, and he’s improved, and God knows he’s stacked like a block of flats. If he lifts to rep level then maybe – just maybe – NSW’s backline has a chance of stopping the rampaging wildebeest Greg Inglis. Maybe.

(We’re already doing our part and sticking pointy little Errol pins into our GI voodoo doll. We made it out of light grey felt. It’s surprisingly life-like).

Which brings us to our Dally M winning fullback. On the wing. He’s a bit unpredictable in the regular season, and lots of people hate him. So he’s kind of  … the Anthony Watmough of outside backs. But he also totally lifts for Origin – like Watmough – and we approve of this.

We can’t say anything else about him except DAMMIT YOU WERE ROBBED FOR THAT TRY LAST YEAR JARRYD-WITH-A-Y. ps our friend Kate thinks you look like Rihanna. She’s right.

What up Jarryd? I like yo bob.

HALVES

Well, well, what up Jamie Lyon! So your torture at the hands of the blues selectors continues.

Remember when you said you didn’t want to play Origin last year, and they made you play?

And remember when you said you wanted to play in the centres this year, and they put you in the halves?

Every time I say ‘centres’ I think of chocolate. Then I remember I can’t taste anything. MOTHERFUCKER.

Oh, how they must have laughed!

Jamie probably does deserve to be in the team – remember his defence last year? – plus he can kick those pesky goals. We’d rather him in the centres but then … who plays five-eighth? Our beloved Terry Campese isn’t exactly in form (sorry T.Camps!). Maybe Trent Barrett? Brett Finch is Origin kryptonite. And John Sutton … plays for the Rabbitohs. Ugh. If we were in charge we would totally put Barrett in the team just because there’s a chance that he might hit Greg Inglis in the face again.

If anyone wants to run for NSW Parliament on that platform, by the way, I’d totally vote for you.

Meanwhile, when Queensland sit down to pick their halfback, they’re choosing between Johnathan Thurston, Scott Prince and Cooper Cronk. In NSW we choose between Kimmorley (this isn’t meant to be offensive Noddy), crippled Mitchell Pearce, and recently returned from crippledom Jarrod Mullen and Peter Wallace. I won’t even include Todd Carney in contention for any position because I’m too worried about him stressing out and hitting the booze again, and Trent Hodkinson is, like, 12 years old. DAMN that shit is depressing.  Should we put in another centre? Josh Morris, you busy?

While you’re deciding, feel free to sign my petition to bring back Joey Johns. He looks totally match fit!  It’ll totally work!

SECOND ROW

Where God injures a halfback or three, he replaces them with 85 awesome back rowers. Between Watmough, Waterhouse, Creagh, O’Donnell, Gallen (ew, Sharks),  Hindmarsh, Laffranchi, Lewis, Learoyd-Lahrs, hell even Greg Bird, NSW literally has enough second rowers for three Origin teams.

We woulda put Lewis in the starting side, (and O’Donnell if he was fit cause damn that boy loves to fight) but we are happy x 1000 to see Watmough and Creagh in there. Watmough is MADE for Origin. He’s a sky blue dynamo. And when Ben Creagh runs the ball we deadset get occasional flashbacks of the Beav. Future Origin Hero. Trust.

FRONT ROW

First of all – WEYMAN! Has there ever been a more deserved first Origin call-up? Weyman’s gone from playing like 30 minutes max to being a blues frontrunner. And we feel weirdly … proud. Proud because we love a big fat footy dynamo, and weird in that the first ever thing he said to us was “I fucking hate journalists”. It was a joke, but still it’s lucky we’re:

a) not actually journalists

b) not easily offended.

Prove us right, Michael. Prove. Us. Right.

And secondly … good God, Josh Perry? Is this what we’ve come to? Where the hell are the NSW front rowers? Can someone not hurry up and clone an invincible George Rose so we can play him as a starting prop and on the bench? To quote our mate Greg, “Perry’s a pillow. A marshmallow. And not even a good Pascall one either”.

From now on, he shall be known as Home Brand Perry.

INTERCHANGE

One word. Jamal. Forget where they’re gonna play him, we are currently taking bets on what super-amazing Origin hairstyle he’s gonna rock. I feel like the next progression from his tight pigtails at Country Origin is the full bun:

So what do we think overall? We live in hope. LET’S GO BLUES!

What about you kittens?

Let’s get this out of the way: WE GOT A HUG FROM JAMAL. IT’S ON VIDEO. YOU WILL SEE IT. IT WAS AMAZING.

Now, where were we?

Day 1 of our Port Macquarie Odyssey took us to local skills clinics with both City and Country teams and some Port Mac schoolkids. Pretty obviously, the weather was a massive bitch. Hence, we look like slightly drowned dogs, and did most of our interviews under a random signing marquee. Good times.

Here’s the rundown, before we get to the sweet video action: Intern Lachie is so teeny! Yes, we see him around the office every day, but we have an average height of 5’5″, so seeing him amongst other footy players is completely different and really worries us. Don’t break him please!

Lots of you asked for Josh Dugan interviews, but this morning he was far too busy talking on his mobile and being interviewed in a public toilet block by a really shifty looking ‘journo’ for us to get interviews … sorry guys! Next time, we promise.

Jamal got the same treatment; we like to call it George Michael TV.

Make sure you pay attention in our favourite bits of the video:

* Todd Carney shifting around like he has ants in his pants, thanks to Michael Robertson and Joel Thompson sitting off-camera and playing footsies with Todd’s Crotch.

* Ronnie Palmer gazing off into the distance as he talks about shorts, and how he secretly rolls his up when no one’s looking. What was he looking at? Carty was cracking up, at Ronnie’s expense.

* Carty fending off the ‘ambush’ questions about us being pests. According to him we are “very good girls”. AWWWW.

Sadly, what you can’t see in the video (but we could see) is how interested Greg Bird was in the informative literature we brought about the sights of Port Macquarie. He loved it! Couldn’t wait to find out what historical peccadillos Port had in store for him. We are also 99% sure Joel Thompson took home the Frangipanni massage pamphlet. Good choice.

After we wrapped up our interviews, we headed back to town for lunch. Something classy for two classy ladies … like Subway. As we were parking we drove past Carty and Ronnie – everyone’s favourite City rugby league power couple – heading out for a lunch date. They seemed to like Sassy’s mum’s sweet Subaru station wagon. “Nice car, girls”.

Apparently everyone had the same idea, because inside Subway we found half of the city team on a sandwich date: Trent Waterhouse, Lachlan Coote, Joel Reddy, Tim Grant and Michael Jennings. Before you ask, no we aren’t stalking them. And yes, they eat Subway, just like regular people!

Kiki had a Moment of Trauma in Subway when she found herself lined up behind Trent Waterhouse, really really wanting to order a footlong turkey sub, but kind of embarassed since giant prop Trent Waterhouse had just ordered a footlong, too. After a brief moment of indecision: does she just WHISPER her order? should she order a six-inch like a lady? … she thought DAMMIT. I REALLY WANT MY FOOTLONG. Cue the following exchange at the cash register:

Kiki: “I can’t believe I eat the same lunch as a footballer”
Subway dude: “… actually a little bit more”
Sassy: “Is that cause she ordered double cheese?”

Till next time darlings!

Yes people, it’s that time again. It’s time for us to up our nerd factor even higher. Because having a blog about rugby league, tweeting live during at least 4 games every weekend and being active members of a footy internet forum just isn’t enough. Nope. What we really need is……FANTASY LEAGUE! NYEEEEH! GLAVEN!

Even nerdier is the fact we cannot just have any old fantasy teams. Oh no. We MUST have a reason for participating. Specifically, a scientific reason. Last year we wanted to know whether the bigger advantage is being really really good looking, or being a generally nice human being. In the end, niceness won out.

This year, we are embarking on a new, even more genius experiment. This years experiment comes directly from the incredible super awesomeness that is Kiki’s brain. Kiki is what one would call ‘an ideas woman’. Like most geniuses, she has trouble with every day living. Examples:

- she’s had the same bank account since Year 4 because she can’t figure out how to change banks.

- one time she, along with her mother and grandma, rocked up the Gold Coast airport to fly home, only to be told by the mean Qantas lady that she had in fact booked flights home from the SUNSHINE COAST.

- her whole time at Uni she could never figure out how to use the library and often took her mum with her so she could borrow books for assignments.

Kiki likes her juice in box form.

But none of this embarassment matters, because her brain came up with the following.

“SASSY OMG I HAVE THE BEST IDEA! What about you have a team with all the naughty boys in footy, called Sassy’s Second Chances? And then I have one with all the good boys called Kiki’s Lil Angels and we can MAKE THEM PLAY AGAINST EACH OTHER. TO SEE WHO WILL WIN IN THE END!!!”

What’s that you say? Adrian Proszenko had a similar idea about having a fantasy team filled with league’s bad boys? Oh, we know. We also know that he published that article a good WEEK after we committed to our experiment. We are 76% sure he has ripped us off directly, as we got drunk after the All Stars game and told pretty much everyone in rugby league, including journos, about our Awesome Experiment. If his next article includes something about Jamal Idris starring in Citizen Kane, our suspicions will be confirmed. We are watching you Proszenko.

Now, on with the show.

Coach : Kiki
Captain : Robbie ‘Nips’ Farah
Criteria for selection: players must be well known good boys, church goers, generally adorable, make us wanna squish their little faces, or just have managed to play for years and never got into any nasty business.
Why we’re doing it : to see if having a peaceful off field life contributes to on field sucess. Also, so we can photoshop Brett Morris’s head onto a creepy cartoon of a boy angel.

INTRODUUUUUCING! The Lil Angels :

As you can see, Kiki lost her inspiration (and money) by the time she got to the bench and ended up picking players that cost a certain amount and haven’t publicly messed up. CLUTCHING….STRAWS….ETC.

[Please note the overwhelming amount of my beloved Dragons in there. There woulda been more but the rules say I can only have four. DISCRIMINATION. It's not my fault I follow a team filled to the brim with good boys. Geez - Kiki]

Coach : Sassy
Captain : Paul Gallen
Criteria for selection : have been involved in at least one public scandal, ranging from criminal charges to pissing in the streets.
Why we’re doing it: to see if being a mischievous drunk does actually affect your footy. Also, because if rugby league is about anything it’s about second chances. Rugby league : because everyone makes mistakes.

BEHOLD! The Second Chances :

The best thing about the Second Chances is that a man called ‘Bronx GOLDWIN’ is on the bench. Everyone loves a mysterious Jewish winger!

[you may also notice that my team has a strong Rooster contingent and PRETTY MUCH THE ENTIRE AUSTRALIAN BACK ROW. Awesome. - Sassy]

And now all we need is the season to start and the experiment will have begun. If you want to join our league, as many awesome people already have, go HERE . Our league number is – 18923-2717.