7 

footy observations: a salute to glamour

May 31st, 2011

Some people like the fancy things in life. Bollinger. Cigars. Caviar.

Stuff like Chopard watches, sky-beds and … rugby league. Ah, rugby league. The sport of kings! (The bloodthirsty Medieval kind, anyway). And luckily for all of y’all – we know you must be those kind of people considering you’re reading Errol, right? – today’s post is a wrap-up of one of the most glamorous weeks in league history. You can go ahead and read it on your customised iPad 2s on your yacht. Settle into your Eames chair and let’s get started.

We started it off with a trip to the Triple J studios to talk to the Doctor about State of Origin (national broadcaster! glamour!) and you’ll be extra proud to know that we arrived at the office during the middle of a team meeting taking place in the reception area. We hope all the loyal employees at JJJ enjoyed me walking through the door, mid-conversation, saying “YEAH I HAVE A COCK … I TUCK IT BACK WHEN I’M WEARING A TIGHT SKIRT”.

In context, it totally made sense … sort of.

And if you missed it, lucky you can listen to it online: BEHOLD THE MAGIC OF TECHNOLOGY.

Just head to six minutes in and go nuts. The Doctor’s also pretty lolz if you feel like following him on the Twitter.

But while we were busy basking in the glory of radio stardom (guest appearance! glamour!) up in Queensland things were a little more … unpleasant. The Gold Coast Titans were subjected to eight disallowed tries on Friday night. Eight! It’s a conspiracy!

Do the refs hate them because they’re beautiful?

We actually have confirmation via one of our favourite humans – George Rose – that the Titans are known as the “beautiful people”. According to Tommy Learoyd-Lahrs, soon as you hit the goldy you becaome at least 100% more attractive.


Pic. Getty Images

Would you argue with that? We wouldn’t.

The downside of course, is that you’re the coach of the woeful 2011 Titans, you have to find ways of coping with the endless run of disappointing losses and grim wins. Apparently coach Carty has chosen to cope by eating his feelings.


The beleaguered coach is rarely sighted outside his natural habitat of the coach’s ‘box’ ….


… and as a prey animal, may appear startled if he senses he is being watched. Proceed carefully.


The key sign of a coach under pressure is the loss of fine motor-skills and subsequent sausage roll disasters.

These are dark times indeed for Errol’s reigning sexiest coach in league. As for the reigning Hot Bitch Award for Hottest Bitch in League (aka Hot Bitch Cooper), the curse against the hot people of the world continues. What’s doing? Coops has a busted cheekbone from the weekend’s game:

Pic. via @RealBigdell

All this is doing is confirming our conclusions from the Great Fantasy League experiment of 2009. Hot people are FRAGILE. It’s just science.

As for south of Sydney, the Raiders haven’t named Terry Campese to play this week, which breaks our hearts a little. We love his long-range kicks and his comical Cheshire Cat grin. On the bright side, it leaves him free to continue bringing his special brand of off-field civvies glamour to our nation’s capital:


Pic via
Canberra Raiders

Meanwhile in Sydney’s glorious West, the Parra Eels are bringing the glamour back to coach travel:

via Tim Mannah

Naw, he’s like a sleeping angel!

And if the boys from the lonely island have taught us anything through the magic of song, it’s that nothing is more glamorous than a boat.

Exhibit A:

Just like how Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas taught us that G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S involves flying first class, up in the sky.

This explains why the Queensland Origin team made their own salute to glamour in the form of a special trip in Careflight’s rescue boats and lifty things. See, they’re just like the gondola chairlifts at a ski resort! Except, you know, bright yellow and made of plastic. And in a pool.

Billy heard the lyrics “flossy, flossy” and did his best Flossy Nightingale expression.



Ben Hannant still goes to Taco Bell, Drives through, raw yeah

JT wants to know just who the hell thinks he’s not still real. WHO? HE’S STILL JT FROM THE BLOCK.

Special thanks to the amazing Fall of Reach for bringing us the magic of Carty and the Sausage Roll incident! xx

7 

the oh errol awards 2010: results time

October 22nd, 2010

You guys, we don’t even know what to say. These last two weeks have been, just … a crazy ride, you know? We’ve never done this kind of public vote before. We were confused and excited and to be honest we had no idea how all this would turn out, and now we’ve seen the results? They’re .. overwhelming. It’s been the BEST ERROL AWARDS EVER. And there’s no way we could’ve done it alone. You guys and your literally thousands of votes made all of this possible. You’re our inspiration, our heart. We want to thank you all. And of course, we want to thank our “friend, Ben Affleck“.

Now, while we’re busy pulling up our ill-fitting pink dresses, why don’t you check out the winners?

THE WINNER OF THE PAUL NEWMAN AWARD FOR THE HOTTEST OLD MAN IN LEAGUE – JOHN CARTWRIGHT

Well apparently we’re starting with a landslide, kids. Sorry Badge and Sheensy, but Carty romped this one in with a 63% share of the vote. In honour of his award, he will receive a package direct from Errol HQ containing a voucher for some salt and pepper highlights at his local hairdresser.

THE WINNER OF THE FIERCE BITCH AWARD FOR THE FIERCEST BITCH IN LEAGUE – COOPER CRONK

Apparently Cooper Cronk has a stranglehold on this like Matt Cooper has a monopoly on the title Hot Bitch. Unfortunately he wasn’t able to be here to collect his award in person, but he sent this short message for you all to enjoy.

THE WINNER OF THE SUPERMAN AWARD FOR BEING BENIGN OFF THE FIELD, BRILLIANT ON IT – JASON ‘FLOSSY’ NIGHTINGALE

We can’t lie, this was a close ballot. Flossy just edged out Shaun Kenny-Dowall in an intense kiwi bettle. Un the ind, Flossy came out vuctorious. We like to think this is also a victory for New Zealand in general, because “you are where you come from”. Or something.

THE WINNER OF THE FUZZY DUCKLING AWARD FOR THE CUTEST ROOKIE IN LEAGUE – MATT ‘THE PUPPY’ GILLETT

Or, as the Papua New Guineans call him: MattGillett MattGillett! MattGillett got almost half the votes, and as a special gift from us to commemorate this moment, MattGillett will receive a gift pack containing 42 schmackos and a Kong filled with peanut butter. Who’s a good boy MattGillett?

THE MR. CELLOPHANE AWARD FOR THE MOST OVERLOOKED MAN IN LEAGUE – SCOTT PRINCE

Do you know what Prince Scotty the Caramel was up to when we told him he was a winner? Yep, as you can tell from that there photo, he was napping. We’re 99% sure there’s actually some drool in the corner of his mouth there. No judgment, though, Princey. GOD KNOWS YOU DOESN’T HAVE TO BE AWAKE AND CONSCIOUS AND TRAINING FOR ANYTHING. Poor overlooked Scotty. We hope this award does a little to numb the pain of being the most overlooked halfback in league … just. A few more votes and this could’ve been Hornbag’s instead.

Because we don’t want them to feel left out, all three nominees for the Mr Cellophane Award will be receiving a handwritten card signed by all the Errol staff that says ‘you’re special’ on the front.

Now, who’s hosting the after-party?

Pics. Matt Gillett by Kiki, the rest via Getty Images

14 

oh errol awards 2010: the paul newman award

October 15th, 2010

Hello viewers. Kiki here. I haven’t been around in awhile. Terrible form I know. Posts on my Dragons and their premiership and my ridiculous/amazing/life changing trip to Papua New Guinea coming soon.

Onto the business of the day.

THE PAUL NEWMAN AWARD FOR THE HOTTEST OLD MAN IN LEAGUE

Just so you know, I googled ‘hot old man’ to find an inspiring image for this post. All I have to say is GOD PEOPLE ARE GROSS. Thanks for the photos of naked ‘silver daddies’ with boners, you bastards. I can’t unsee that shit.  FML x 1000.

Now I will cleanse my eyes with the gloriously handsome Paul Newman (also known as Hot Old Man patron saint).

Ah yes, much better.

In the least surprising development of the year, I am in charge of the creepiest award category. In the interests of accuracy, let’s go through the nuts and bolts of it all.

a) Hot Old Man does not necessarily mean ‘hot’ . Traditional uses of hot (aka Hot Bitch Cooper) do not always apply here. It’s more…the vibe. It’s Mabo.

b) Hot Old Man does not necessarily mean ‘old man’.  We aren’t talking decrepit walking frame kinda shit here. That’s just creepy, and not in a good way, like everything else I say. I don’t really want to put a defined age on this but let’s say … 45-ish and over.

c) No, we don’t have Daddy issues (… ew). We also don’t have a thing for older men. We just have eyes. Eyes that know a handsome man when they see one.

<

GARY BELCHER

Oh Badge, you hot bitch.  We are old enough to remember the moustached wonder in his prime (see above). No offence to the rest of the nominees but if Badge doesn’t win this, there is no justice in the world.

Sadly, he’s shaved off that amazing mo but his hotness has thankfully been retained. I am going to share with you a little something that happened during the footy season.

FOX SPORTS COMMENTATOR TO BADGE : Not that you would know mate, you never put your pretty face in a scrum.

ANONYMOUS ERROL BLOGGER : I’ll put his pretty face somewhere!

Yeh, I know … we are gross.

So, because we are delightfully inappropriate we enjoy tweeting at Andy Raymond when he’s commentating with Badge saying things like “TELL BADGE HE’S A HOT OLD MAN!”

One day Andy tweeted back with this.

Notice he’s not questioning if he’s hot. IT’S A UNIVERSAL TRUTH.

JOHN CARTWRIGHT

I saved that photo as “HELLOOOO CARTY.jpg” and I think that says it all. Carty is the reigning Oh Errol Sexiest Coach in Rugby League. You can see his reaction to receiving this award here.

What’s that you say? He is hilariously sarcastic AND has enormous guns? Yes, we noticed that too. We always thought Carty was a dirty spunk and then we met him and he is pretty much the most awesome human ever. His interests include : wearing tight t-shirts, mocking us and doing the Angry Cat on the sideline.

One time I made Carty blush. I told him about his gay fans (hi Cronkster!) thinking he’s a ‘hot daddy’ and he went silent, looked at his feet and flushed bright red. The fact this happened in a Canberran food court makes it all the more awesome.

TIM SHEENS

Yes he’s approx 60 years old but WHATEVER. HE IS VERY DAPPER OKAY? I don’t get too flustered around footy people now, but Tim Sheens sends me into a tail spin. Every time I see him around I do something epically embarassing and/or physically hide so he can’t see me … so we have yet to have a proper conversation.

In Port Macquarie for City Country I found myself alone in conversation with Nips Farah and Chris Lawrence. Because I’m me, instead of talking about, I dunno, current events or something, I blurted out “CAN YOU TELL TIM SHEENS I THINK HE’S A BABE?”

Nips raised an eyebrow suspiciously. Chris Lawrence contorted his face into something like the above said “yuck, that’s DISGUSTING” and stormed off in a huff.

Now: vote for your favourite Hot Old Man below, or nominate your own.

10 

man-kissing, hot chips and adventures in canberra

June 13th, 2010

Well, that was an eventful few weeks. We leave the internet for 10 days and all hell breaks loose.

What was meant to happen in the last week was this: we would head down to our nation’s capital for the Raiders vs Titans, do a little bit of work, relax a little, maybe hit up Questacon or ride bikes around Lake Burley-Griffin, and head home. Then we’d do some typey-typey for some new projects we’re working on and come back to Errol as if nothing had happened.

BUT NO.

In the interim league went fucking insane. First Billy Slater and Jarryd Hayne got involved in a Melbourne vs Parramatta headbutt spite-fest at Parramatta Stadium. This, as we all know led to the Gayest Fight in Football History.

No, we don’t mean ‘gay’ as a derogatory term. We love gays. We mean it literally. Fierce bitch Cooper Cronk was not having any of this, and ran in to protect his fullback Billy Slater. Have you seen his face? We wouldn’t want anyone headbutting it either. He’s adorable. So far, so logical.

We saw Cooper running in … then Cooper diving onto Headbutt Hayne, and then ….

ARE THEY MAKING OUT? (yes, we did actually yell that at the tv).

Apparently the internet was equally confused/amused, because a complete genius came up with this:

Oh internet, how we love you.

We also especially enjoyed when Cam Smith gave the world a lesson in sportsmanship. First he yelled at the ref “WE CAN’T WIN THE PREMIERSHIP, WHO CARES WHAT WE DO?” He then threw an Errol-worthy tantrum and quit that whole shit.

Can’t win? Don’t try.

We can’t wait till that image is used in motivational posters in offices all over Melbourne.

And, of course, the tension resulted in two of the prettiest boys in history to ever share the sin-bin: Dan Dan Mortimer and Billy Slater. Surely people that pretty don’t belong in the bin? Evidently Billy agrees, because bitch was pissed.

The dramas didn’t stop at Parra vs Storm, though. There have feelingz happening all over the NRL. At Brookie, injury is taking it’s toll on Dave Williams. The man that … well, people who aren’t us like to call ‘the Wolfman’, is not dealing well with being a sideline fixture.

We interviewed Daveypants 2 weeks ago for the NRL and he seems so, so sad. His poor little arm is still in a sling and he is the saddest panda of all pandas in history. It took all our strength not to hug him.

It’s no suprise he has turned to comfort eating. Specifically, comfort eating chips on the sideline. The saddest part of all was when he offered one to Jamie Lyon and was brutally rebuffed. WAY TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A PIG, JAMIE.

Meanwhile we were down in the Nation’s capital hustling and getting ready to watch the Raiders vs Titans. In a moment of perfect timing by the universe, we needed to interview the baby Raiders AND Titan’s coach John Cartwright. So on Sunday morning we headed off the pick up Carty and take him for a coffee and a chat. The only problem? Literally NOTHING is open in Canberra at 9.30am in Canberra.

What the hell, ACT? It was like a nuclear apocalypse took place and no one told us.

Not even WANGS massage was open, although at least it gave us a few lolz.

In the end, intrepid Carty led us into a food court, to find a tiny tiny window called the House of Vitality. Kiki ordered a diet coke, to which Carty said “a Diet Coke? …. for breakfast? Shouldn’t you at least have a normal coke for nutritional value?”

Kiki’s only answer was SHUT UP I’M HUNGOVER. She ordered the Diet Coke anyway.

What’s more glamorous than doing an interview with an NRL coach in a food court? Pretty much nothing. For reals.

Next stop was Bruce Stadium for Raiders vs Titans. For Sydney girls, going to Bruce Stadium is so … so weird. Actually, Canberra is weird to us. It’s all organised, and tidy, and convenient. All the suburbs have different names, but they’re only like two blocks apart and EVERYTHING IS SO CHEAP.

Two voddies and a beer for $12? $5 parking at the footy? $13 for a pizza and two Diet Cokes? Yes, please. It’s developing world prices without all the pesky airline travel and vaccinations.

As we drove into the Bruce Stadium carpark a friendly dude pointed out that Sassy’s bonnet was askew and maybe not closed properly. When she admitted it was just wonky from her bad driving, he came out with I HIT A KANGAROO ONCE. IT’S HEAD POPPED RIGHT OFF. I KILLED IT, BY THE WAY. Oh, Canberra. Nothing cheers us up like an animal decapitation story. Turns out it really did make Sassy feel better about her driving.

That, and a stadium with seats close enough to hear the OOF when two men tackles.

Wait, make that a decapitation, Bruce Stadium, and our new bestie in the next row down.

We asked Josh McCrone about this: “… definitely from Queanbeyan. He’s probably Campo’s neighbour”.

Then as a farewell to the ‘Berra, we met a few of the baby Raiders for interviews after recovery on Monday: Jarrod Croker, Daniel Vidot, Josh McCrone and Shaun Fensom. WE ARE IN LOVE. Four of the most hilarious, humble footy players you’ll meet (if you ignore Dan Vidot’s love for a glamorous self-portrait. He really, really loves them. Especially if they involve shirtlessness, which is fair enough. Have you seen him? He’s a total spunk).

McCrone and Crokes – actually all the boys really – are fucking hilarious. Shaun Fensom managed to burn Kiki within ten seconds of meeting her. We like his hustle. We also especially enjoyed Croker and Vidot taking the piss out of each other about their Adventures in Hair Highlights.

Apologies to the boys for springing it ON TAPE that some of them are gay icons, and to Shaun Fensom in particular for Kiki stroking his pretty hair like a massive creep. The trickiest part was convincing them to have their photos taken to go with the story – Dan Vidot only wanted pre-approved images that he’d had taken earlier included in the mag. He’s so J.Lo. We loves him

And Crokes was traumatised because his hair looked ‘shit’ (it didn’t, it looked messy and cute…bed hair!), he hadn’t shaved, and his shorts were soaking wet. “But I’ve got a beard! Can’t you come back another day and take them?”

NO. WE’RE NOT DRIVING THREE HOURS AGAIN.

But probably the highlight of our trip was telling Trevor Thurling of the huge section of his fan base who refer to him as Trevor “Sex Machine” Thurling.

According to google, this is what a Sex Machine looks like:


Trevor, is that you?

This story led to us hearing Shaun Fensom utter the words “yeah, I lived with a family when I first got here, now I live with Sex Machine”. Awesome.

Try not to die waiting, but the story will be out in the next issue of Rugby League Player mag. and in the meantime, here’s a picture of Josh McCrone being a hilarious human and posing comically in front of a palm tree. So awesome. Doesn’t he look like Prince Harry? He totally looks like Prince Harry. Till next time kittens! xx

Big thanks to our favourite media manager and one of our favourite humans, Ben Pollack, for hooking us up the whole weekend. And thankyou to the boys for being generally awesome. WE LOVE YOU RAIDERS!

Thanks to the brilliant Cronkster for the caps. LEGEND!

18 

postcards from port macquarie: day one

May 4th, 2010

Let’s get this out of the way: WE GOT A HUG FROM JAMAL. IT’S ON VIDEO. YOU WILL SEE IT. IT WAS AMAZING.

Now, where were we?

Day 1 of our Port Macquarie Odyssey took us to local skills clinics with both City and Country teams and some Port Mac schoolkids. Pretty obviously, the weather was a massive bitch. Hence, we look like slightly drowned dogs, and did most of our interviews under a random signing marquee. Good times.

Here’s the rundown, before we get to the sweet video action: Intern Lachie is so teeny! Yes, we see him around the office every day, but we have an average height of 5’5″, so seeing him amongst other footy players is completely different and really worries us. Don’t break him please!

Lots of you asked for Josh Dugan interviews, but this morning he was far too busy talking on his mobile and being interviewed in a public toilet block by a really shifty looking ‘journo’ for us to get interviews … sorry guys! Next time, we promise.


Jamal got the same treatment; we like to call it George Michael TV.

Make sure you pay attention in our favourite bits of the video:

* Todd Carney shifting around like he has ants in his pants, thanks to Michael Robertson and Joel Thompson sitting off-camera and playing footsies with Todd’s Crotch.

* Ronnie Palmer gazing off into the distance as he talks about shorts, and how he secretly rolls his up when no one’s looking. What was he looking at? Carty was cracking up, at Ronnie’s expense.

* Carty fending off the ‘ambush’ questions about us being pests. According to him we are “very good girls”. AWWWW.

Sadly, what you can’t see in the video (but we could see) is how interested Greg Bird was in the informative literature we brought about the sights of Port Macquarie. He loved it! Couldn’t wait to find out what historical peccadillos Port had in store for him. We are also 99% sure Joel Thompson took home the Frangipanni massage pamphlet. Good choice.

After we wrapped up our interviews, we headed back to town for lunch. Something classy for two classy ladies … like Subway. As we were parking we drove past Carty and Ronnie – everyone’s favourite City rugby league power couple – heading out for a lunch date. They seemed to like Sassy’s mum’s sweet Subaru station wagon. “Nice car, girls”.

Apparently everyone had the same idea, because inside Subway we found half of the city team on a sandwich date: Trent Waterhouse, Lachlan Coote, Joel Reddy, Tim Grant and Michael Jennings. Before you ask, no we aren’t stalking them. And yes, they eat Subway, just like regular people!

Kiki had a Moment of Trauma in Subway when she found herself lined up behind Trent Waterhouse, really really wanting to order a footlong turkey sub, but kind of embarassed since giant prop Trent Waterhouse had just ordered a footlong, too. After a brief moment of indecision: does she just WHISPER her order? should she order a six-inch like a lady? … she thought DAMMIT. I REALLY WANT MY FOOTLONG. Cue the following exchange at the cash register:

Kiki: “I can’t believe I eat the same lunch as a footballer”
Subway dude: “… actually a little bit more”
Sassy: “Is that cause she ordered double cheese?”

Till next time darlings!

14 

footy observations: sasha fierce and george rose

September 14th, 2009

Wanna know what this post is about? IT’S ALL. ABOUT. GEORGE. ROSE.

Hi George! If you read this, feel free to stop by Errol HQ and we will give you Errol snuggles.

Ok, so there may be some other things later on. For instance, if you follow us on twitter you’ll know we all went to the Dragons game on Sunday at Kogarah, so I should probably write about Jarryd Hayne being a freak of nature, and what he has in common with Beyonce (hint: it’s not a big arse).

This photo needs more George Rose.

But mainly, it’s about George Rose. A few weeks ago the Errol girls hit up Brookvale Oval with our american besties Jay and Suellen to watch Manly thrash the Titans. They are huuuge NFL and college football fans, and all around great humans, so we thought they would enjoy an authentic Aussie league experience. … They totally did. Their faces basically lit up when Igor the Eagle came out to dance on the field and I reenacted told them the story of him beating down a heckler who invaded the field. Go Igor go! Bet you don’t get that in college football, hmmmm?

But the best thing about our trip to the Northern beaches was realising that everyone in the whole of Manly loves George Rose as much as we do.

God those bitches have good taste. And it’s not them. Know who agrees? The Aussie selectors.

Big Georgie Rose is in the training sqaud for the next Kangaroos tour of Europe.

And okay, maybe he’s not the most ripped man in the NRL … but what’s wrong with that? We’ve already got one Hot Bitch Cooper, right? Down with body fascism! Bottom line is everyone knows Georgie’s a dynamo. As Homer Simpson would say, George Rose you are a BIG FAT DYNAMO.

(Just quietly, that’s what Kiki calls me. Just one of the many reasons why George and I should be besties).

Meanwhile, why we were drawing up our list of Reasonz We Luv George, there were semi-finals happening. Melbourne demolished a flat Manly, the Dogs took out the Knights, and up in Queensland there was one of the most amazing games of semis footy in aaages.

Carty does not agree with that assessment.

There was Broncos magic, a massive Titans comeback, and John Cartwright barely managed not to bust out of his shirt and tie with rage like the Hulk, or (thankfully) have a stroke. WELU CARTY! PLEASE DON’T DIE BEFORE WE GIVE YOU YOUR 2009 ERROL AWARD!

Turns out Carty did verbally smack a bitch down at halftime … and get fined $10,000.00. I just hope it was as hilarious as Scotty Prince’s post-game interviews. No one is a better pissed off captain that Scott Prince. NO ONE.


Pic. Richard Gosling

Remember last year, when he accused the ref of having his Wests Tigers undies on?

Or “… you sent off their dumb forward and our smart hooker!”

Well on Sunday he stuck the boot into Darren Lockyer for milking a penalty on the field: “Have they given out awards for the Logies this year?”

Oh, Scotty.

And on Sunday afternoon at Kogarah, Jarryd-with-a-Y Hayne decided to show all the haters why he won the Dally M medal. Kittens, this is why:

FREAK. HE IS A FREAK. I mean obviously there were other reasons. Jamie Soward just wasn’t Jamie Soward. I dunno who was kicking out there, but it wasn’t our usual Tiny Dancer. The touchies filled me with rage, and the Dragons’ fifth tackle options were …. let’s just say they reminded me of the Roosters. And that’s not a good thing. THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY TIMES YOU CAN KICK THE SAME BOMB.

But not all the awesome Dragons fans could stop Jarryd-with-a-Y and his ridiculous form. Now that he’s found God, bitch is on fire.  I mean, I have no idea what kind of God he’s found, but apparently he was rocking a giant set of wooden rosary beads in the locker room, so I’m gonna go with Catholic.

Even Ray Warren sounds biblical in the commentary from the game. “Look at this in delight! Look at this in wonderment!” That’s a quote straight from the gospel of Rabs.

And thanks to the hooked-up Jessica Halloran we found out that Jarryd-with-a-Y has “an on-field alter ego.”

Seriously. JUST LIKE BEYONCE.

And if Ms Halloran’s dictaphone hadn’t died, I’m pretty sure he would have kept going and told us all exactly what Beyonce said when she revealed she has an alter ego.

“I turn into Sasha. I wouldn’t like Sasha if I met her … she’s too aggressive, too strong, too sassy, too sexy! I’m not like her in real life at all. I’m not flirtatious and super-confident and fearless like her.”

Jarryd Hayne is …. SASHA FIERCE.

20 

an orange wrap up: country vs city

May 17th, 2009

lk

OKAY. HI!

We have been rather crap at posting regularly huh? Sorry, my darlings. I know you rely on us for your footy lolz. And the lack of blogging has turned some bitches crazy. I swear we found a fan outside the office the other day, clad in a soaking wet tee, screaming ERRRROLLLLLL. Totally channelling Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire.

(You love our pop culture references don’t you kids? Everyone does. Don’t ever challenge us to a game of Trivial Pursuit, we will whip yo ASS.)

lk

So anyway, we are home from Orange. And we are straight up sad about it. We fell in love with that pretty lil town and it’s residents. We only spent a week there, but with it’s autumn coloured gorgeousness (and its amazing pubs), Orange totally stole our hearts. Damn you, Sydney, and your lack of deciduous trees!

Let’s wrap up the Country v City game shall we? (Notice this year it was officially changed to have Country first. And we like it). There was alot of talk from arrogant Sydney journalists that the game was a non event and no one would turn up to watch it. Well … they were wrong. FUCKERS! HAH!

lkm

Yes that’s right kids, the people of the Central West turned out big time. Wade Park was not only packed to capacity (that’s over 8000 people), but ppls had to be turned away at the gate. May I take this opportunity to remind you all that we ensured this would happen during our appearance on 105.9 Star FM the morning of the game. Yes, we were right and the mainstream media was wrong. NOT THE FIRST TIME. NOR THE LAST. *karate chop*

So we love the Country team so much we even … gulp … wore maroon. In public. I felt dirty but I did it for the boys. Best thing about footy at Wade Park? The amaaaazing sausage sizzle tent manned by volunteers (a whole tent of snags! hello heaven!) and the mobile TAB in a caravan. We actually put bets on while eating our sausage sandwiches. Hello Kiki + Sassy nirvana!

lk

Well, our boys lost. It was shit. Everyone in the Country camp, including us, was pretty shocked at the scoreline. Looking at it on the scoreboard just didn’t feel at all like it should after watching the game (the first 60 minutes at least). Boo hiss booo etc etc.

But the strangest thing was just the experience of being in a country crowd to watch league. You see, we are … what’s the word? Loudmouths. That’s it. And we’re used to sitting in stadiums full of other loudmouths shoving in pies and screaming support/abuse/jokes at the game going on in front of us. Country crowds – because apparently they are usually this way – are intense.

Instead of multitasking like us city folk (blame TV for our poor attention spans) their focus is completely on the game. It makes for a really compelling experience huddling together in the cold, watching the game with 8000 people who are totally absorbed in the footy in almost a hush. Overwhelming, even.

It also means that when we yelled out for the awesome Alan Tongue and his try, his wife turned around to see where the noise was coming from and gave us a ‘… I know right? My mans is awesome’ nod of understanding. DON’T GET THAT IN THE CITY, DO YA?

lk

Special shout out to 18th man Chris Heighington (fuck that name is hard to spell, I totes had to Google), who was both gracious and unintentionally hilarious while performing his dutiez. He had to warm up with the team in uniform … then take it off once they were done and it became obvious that no one was incapacitated during their hamstring stretches and unable to play.

He also may or may not have been forgotten in the seating plan and, well, he didn’t have a seat. He spent the whole game aimlessly wandering about the stands, up stairs, down stairs, eyes searching for something he never found. IT WAS SO SAD.

Looking back, I should have offered him my lap to sit in … right?

And worst of all … Chris was forced to do manual labour. Poor bitch had to do the heavy lifting. As you can see above, he was in charge of carrying he Eskies into the stadium. I for one am outraged. Just because he’s large, strong and hardworking doesn’t make him a bloody Clydesdale! This is even worse than Shillo being made to lug around giant chains during his Gods of Football shoot.

Anyways, we totally yelled things like BOOOOO CITY BOOOOO and DAMN YOU DAVID, then unsuprisingly went out and got drunkety drunk drunk to soothe the pain of the loss. Luckily Orange has quite the raging and hilarious nightlife to keep a girl entertained.

To finish off, I would like to make a list of Things We Learnt During Country Week (These are real lessons, not ones that happened in our heads. I swear.) Here we go.

* T.Camps has excellent taste in music. He loves Dolly Parton, Jimmy Barnes, Diesel and John Farnham. He should totally go on tour as DJ T.CAMPS. We would be all over that shit.

* As you can see from above, Chris Heighington enjoys very tight t-shirts. Whether or not this is because he can’t find t-shirts in size Clydesdale or he has an obsession with his clothes dryer, we can’t tell you. We can tell you, however, that thanks to a) the tight shirts and b) the fact he is super charming and generally lovely, resulted in him being the Ladies Choice of the week. Hey little girl with the cash to burrrrrrn. Oh, Heighno. (Ps how good is that Polaroid? My photographic skillz are unsurpassed)

* According to someone in camp, the Dragons are ‘no fun’. My response? GOOD! I DON’T WANT THEM TO BE FUN! I want them to win godamnit!

* Joel Monaghan (or ‘former Kangaroo Joel MONNAGGAN’ according to the announcer at Wade Park. lololol) is probably the funniest guy we have ever met. Not just in the NRL, but in life. We all decided that when he retires we will launch a radio show. Kiki, Sassy + Monas? Can’t you just see our heads on the back of a bus? Imagine all the endless ranga jokes! I can’t wait.

* Laurie Daley is an amazing human. Just … amazing. He gave me a birthday hug and it was one of the Top 5 moments of my life. And by ‘gave me’ I mean I wrapped my arms around his neck and drunkenly yelled LOZ IT’S MY BIRFDAAAAAY and he didn’t recoil in horror. Oh Laurie, why you so nice?

[Laurie using the phrase ‘sweet as a nut’ during commentary last year is one of the reasons I started loving footy. I just found out last night (Sassy swears she texted me when it happened, but I never received it *shakes fist at technologiez*) that he SAYS IT IN PERSON TOO. Oh Laurie. – Lozzy]

* Gordie Tallis is a huge fan of The Simpsons. He gave an excellent birthday rendition of Kiki, her teeth are big and greeeeen. Kiki, she smells like gasooolinnnneeee. Also, Flo Rida.

* Blocker Roach is a big believer in pheremones. He also gives truly brilliant inspirational speeches. Goosebump-worthy.

* Do not stare at Luke O’Donnell as if he can’t see you. He is not a photo on the internet, he is an actual person. He actually caught me with my lustful tongue hanging out of my mouth. Damnit.

* Dave Williams + TAB = loveerrrrs

* Ronnie Palmer (the ridiculously awes Roosters + City trainer who looks like The Cougar) enjoys headshrinking Sassy about her love life over a beer. Also, he likes to wear cashmere.

* John Cartwright is very tolerant of us. Even when we drunkenly run across the room and yell CARTTTTYYYYY. He is also a front runner for our Sexiest Coach in the NRL Award for 2009. We told him this and he seemed quite pleased.

Lastly, we want to sincerely thank Terry, Bert, Jess, Lauren and Kate at the CRL. We love you guys!! Huge thanks to the incredibly gracious Peter Mortimer (father of DanDan!) for being so open and encouraging. Our morning at your winery was truly special and one of the best moments of our trip (hope we can get that article published soon!). Thankyou to Gary who organised most of our week and hooked us up with everyone, absolute legend. Thanks to the Hawks for being so welcoming and generally adorable (the post on them is coming this week too). And thankyou to Orange!