pic. Gold Coast Titans

Clear out the tumbleweeds, your bitches are back!

We’ve been up on the Goldy for All-Stars week, which, along with City-Country week, is basically the footy blogger version of Christmas. What were we doing, you ask? Well, obviously we were generally hanging around, being loud, and making pervy comments. Cause, you know, fish gotta swim.

But in between we made some little videos for OneHD:

Benji Marshall told us some seriously weird shit about sharing a bed with Liam Fulton

Scott Prince told us that George Rose reckons he’s “the best dancer over 100kgs” - do they have dance-related weight classes? Like in boxing? They totally should.

Laurie Daley told us just how often Jamal Idris falls asleep

Feleti Mateo admitted he’s scared of heights

Freddy Fittler explained how Petero Civoniceva is the WORST SURFER IN THE WORLD

We gave a valentine to George Rose

We looked like hobbits standing next to Cory Paterson

Shaun Kenny-Dowall talked about chicken (of course he did)

… and Josh Dugan was generally adorable.

The only sad thing is that so much awesomeness didn’t make it into our videos. We wish you could’ve seen Jamal Idris put Cliff Lyons in a play-headlock, or the under-16s player from Queensland who HAD A FULL BEARD. Or when we asked Greg Bird for an interview and he thought the mike was for karaoke: “oh, do you want me to sing?”

Sing Billy Joel, Birdy!

Or the afternoon at White Water World when a photographer asked Preston Campbell to pick up a kid in the wave pool one more time so he could capture it on film and the kid freaked the hell out. If you haven’t seen a kid in Preston’s arms yelling ‘F*CK! LET ME GOOOOO!’ like a stranger-danger educational video, you haven’t lived. Amazing.

We may also have given Cory Paterson a marshmallow rose to make up for the fact that we didn’t get him a special Valentine’s gift like the sweet teddy bear we bought for George Rose. See! We still love ya Cory!

But possibly the weirdest moment of the trip was as we left the All-Stars game at Skilled and Sassy was explaining – loudly, because she’s loud – how weird it is that everyone in Queensland is in love with Darren Lockyer (they totally are).

Then, all of a sudden, a dude in a Maroons jersey puffing on a durry appeared from nowhere and said “DID YOU HEAR THAT? SOMEONE’S TALKING SHIT ABOUT LOCKY!”

Is there some kind of … bat signal? Like a cut-out of Locky’s head that alerts Queenslanders when someone questions their footballing hero? Where did he come from? How did he knowwwwww?

Maybe he’s friends with the girl who sat next to us in the stands and had Queenslander tattooed on her back. In maroon. Queenslanders, you amaze us.

But there was one little bit of All-Stars magic that we caught on video just for y’all. Greg Bird has a conspiracy theory and he wants you to know all about it:

IT’S A MEDIA CONSPIRACY! You know it’s true. How else could one man have a record of SO MANY unflattering photos? You know it makes sense.

Now we’ll leave you with a selection of our favourite photos taken by Kiki and Yasmin. How many sleeps till All-Stars 2012?

YOU READ IT RIGHT BITCHES. THE HOT MAN NEWS IS BACK. Why now, you ask? Well it’s occured to me that this blog has become somewhat G-rated of late and I don’t like it.  To quote Gough Whitlam - “It’s Time”. It’s time for for the innate perve in us all to make it’s grand return.

But before we get to that, let’s briefly take a moment to appreciate the genius above. It’s literal, juvenile and crappily constructed. It’s Oh Errol.

(Note – I googled ‘man on fire’ and got a varied selection of things. Including a disturbing amount of photos of self immolation including one entitled “Romanian Gypsy on fire”.  Well that’s not very cheery now, is it?)

Anyway! On with the hot! So obviously the Dragons are my beloved and I adore them like my own children (especially B.Moz, I actually think I Love Him Like A Son). But I do kinda-sorta-adore another team. And that team is…….THE RAIDERS. Do you feel special Green Machine?

Oh I’ll give you the hottest ride in town.

I just like watching them play. I have a soft spot for them. And if I was a guy, I would also have a hard spot. GET IT. COZ OF BONERS. Now despite his infamous hair iss-u-eewwes, we are totally T.Camps mad here at Errol HQ. We just think he’s lovely. He is very old school handsome. Very traditionally masculine and all that. We also like how he feels the need to check that his junk is still attached while at training.

Hell YES Tez, work it out bitch. If there’s anything sexier than a man grabbing his dick while slathered in zinc and wearing a bucket hat, I am yet to see it. Am I being sarcastic? I don’t even know any more.

Now let’s talk about Joel Thompson. I will admit I had absolutely no idea who this bloke was until I spied him looking all sweaty and spunky at the first Indigenous All Stars training we went to. Errrr… I mean, I was admiring his athletic ability….and stuff. Anyway, he’s got cute monotremey type hair and a certain swagger about him.  And Sassy agrees he’s the sex in a kind of “I may or may not steal your car after our dates over” kind of way.

After some more intensive research on my part (I am a committed journalist if nothing else), I have discovered why we felt an immediate kinship with him. It’s because, how do I put this gently….he is kind of retarded. And we say this with much love, because anyone who has a) read Errol or b) been around us for more than 30 seconds soon realises we are challenged in many many ways. If we were footy players, we would totally end up doing the following -

Suddenly realising our nip nips are a bit sore after a busy day of training.

Further discovering that we may in fact have a serious nipple injury on our hands. And end up being snapped looking super bloated in the process.

Being obviously mortified after having a trainer tape up said nipple injury in front of our teammates.

Now despite both looking ethnically mysterious, Sassy and I are actually both from Irish peasant backgrounds so needless to say we have had more than a few suncare issues over the years.

Once such incident occured whilst on holiday in Fiji. We were so hungover on the second last day we spent 9 hours in the water to keep cool so we didn’t vom all over the pretty white sand. Unfortunately the fact that water is transparent and sunlight can get to you while you’re floating about didn’t occur to us. Until we woke up the next morning and literally couldn’t walk straight because we were so sunburnt. Subsequently we had to fly home braless and wearing nothing but sarongs as regular clothes hurt too much. Apologies to Air Pacific and Australian Customs.

This is why, once again, we totally feel you Joel.

” Slippity, sloppity…SLAP! Nothing will penetrate this zinc forcefield of mine!”

“……………..shit.”

Oh, Joel. Drop by the office one day, will ya? You will be with your own kind.

Now onto Josh Dugan. In a completely unexpected turn of events:  Dimples Dugan is hot now. Not cute or adorable or nawww ain’t he sweet like he used to be. Nope. He’s removed the headgear and has morphed into one of Errol’s fave things. A HOT BOGAN. The plethora of tattoos, nasal vowels when speaking, the earrings, the semi- douchey- haircut-that-somehow-works-for him = hot bogan.

Now this is not an insult by any means. Because you know who else is a Hot Bogan? HOT BITCH COOPER. That’s right HB, you have an heir to the throne. Behold readers, I present to you, Junior Hot Bitch.

La la laaaa….

One of these things is not like the others,

One of these things just doesn’t belong,

Can you tell which thing is not like the others

By the time I finish my song? …………la la laaaaaaaa!

And with that, I’m out. Stay tuned cupcakes because there’s plenty more Raiders hot to come. I haven’t even got to Tom ‘is that a brother or what’ Learoyd-Lahrs.

Pics from The Canberra Times and FMF Forums. Thanks boys, we love ya!