20 

errol’s 12 days of christmas : day three

December 15th, 2010

On the third day of Christmas

Oh Errol gave to me

Footy players trying to model (volume one)

If you’ve ever read Errol you will know our favourite thing about footy is the unintentional lolz. Rugby league is downright hysterical and if you don’t see that you’re a massive weirdo with no friends, it’s just a scientific fact. We could list all the unintentional lolz footy has given us, but where do we even begin. Many of them we’ve already written about, so please busy yourselves reading our archives of amazingness. Good kids.

After our few years of working around footy, we’ve realised the only thing footy players look normal doing is well….playing footy. Take them off the field and they suddenly become out of place and accidentally HILARIOUS. Their off field existence is lolz enough, but what about when they try to model? I think you know the answer to that.

The internet tells me these photos were taken for the Gold Coast’s Sexiest Man or something but obviously something happened along the way and the boys are now competing for Gold Coast’s Most Embarrassing Photo. It’s tough competition but i think Scott Sattler has this one in the bag. I’m 73% certain there was a wind machine involved at that photoshoot and that is amazing. Consolation points to Kayne Lawton’s flurorescent orange fake tan and Scotty’s teen idol pose. All that’s missing is a sunflower and a kitten in a basket.

The hallmark of lolz footy modelling is of course, Lowes. Let us bathe in the glory of Matt Ballin getting his Zoolander on for them.

Where do I start here? Let’s do them by order.

1) Well now I know to visit Lowes next time I need a detective costume for a fancy dress party.

2) AAAH! I get it! He’s pretending to sleep because he’s wearing pyjamas. Well played Lowes, well played indeed.

3) I have never seen a man stand like this ever. Ballin the Little Teapot!

It gets better though. Because you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Matt Ballin model a three piece fuschia suit. Note : no this is not photoshopped.

Apparently the first photo was taken when Bal was suffering some momentary Bells Palsy because I have no other explanation for what’s going on in his facial region. Also…WHAT THE HELL IS HE HOLDING?

Remember Ryan Girdler? He is total babeness and our hearts and pants were sad the day he retired.

Yes, totally babing. Modelling is a perfect post footy career for him! So imagine my horror when I found these little gems…

UMMMM…….

What have you DONE to him Lowes? I know he’s a bit salt and peppery these days but why have you aged him 25 years in post production? Not only is he an old man, he’s a CREEPY old man. That second photo deadset looks like a lineup photo from the sex crimes unit. I’m scared. Someone hold me?

I have many, many more lolz modelling pics saved so keep a look out for volumes two, three and possibly four. And leave a comment extolling the virtues of Errol’s 12 Days campaign or I’ll crack the shits and revoke your post privileges.

21 

footy observations- death cough, B.Moz and baby panthers

April 1st, 2009

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Helllooooo chickens!

Apologies for the lack of posting lately. I’ve been struck down by some sort of ghastly death cough and have been struggling to breathe/walk/live for the past week. I am starting to think Greg Inglis might have constructed some sort of Kiki voodoo doll and been sticking pins into the tiny tiny doll lungs. Seriously Gregory, it’s a bit much isn’t it? Just because I bag out your bizzarely oily hair, publicly accuse you of being a traitor to your state (YOU’RE FROM NSW AND YOU KNOW IT BITCH) and loathe your team…do I really deserve this sort of vengeful treatment?

Anyway Mister Soul Glo, I get the point okay? Lay off doll Kiki for awhile will ya? For the love of god LET ME BREATHE AGAIN. Thx.

(Note that is my hair photoshopped onto a voodoo doll. I know I know, I am clever and hilarious.)

Anyway,  am one sick lady right now. Unfortunately last weekend was booked chock full weeks in advance and because I am loyal, brave and generally amazing I refused to cancel anything. Ain’t no way I was ditching Lozzy’s birthday, supporting Sassy and her woeful Chookies and most importantly (sorry girls) … my beloved Dragons returning to Kogarah.  R2K BABYYYYYY!

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Ohhh my it was amazing. The refurbished stadium looks absolutely stunning and the atmosphere was electric. Yep, electric. Lets break it down shall we?

1) We had seats in the new grandstand which had the greatest view of the hill (and the footy obvs). It was bathed in glorious red and white, with only a small section of those filthy Sharks fans polluting the scene.  The first try we scored the crowd went WILD and I well….well I got goosebumps. Actual goosebumps. I showed the girls and they mocked me [I did NOT! I said 'awww'. I get goosebumps during TV season finales. We all have our things - L]. I was mortified until Sassy reminded me of that time when we both got goosies while listening to Wes Carr’s NRL theme song in the car. Yes, we are really that lame.

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2) Kogarah is such an incredible ground that Sassy has decided she is going to cheat on the Roosters and have an affair with the Dragons. Did you hear that Chooks? You drove her to footy adultery! We are currently in the process of signing her up to get a Red V membership and everything. I’m not joking people. (The fact that being a Red V member means you can go to after match functions and stalk the Big Dell is only approx 56% part of the reason she’s joining)

2) The demise of Hot Bitch Cooper. NOOOOO! I promised Lozzy an uninterrupted view of Hot Bitch for her birthday, but his hammy made a liar out of me. You see readers, seeing him on TV is one thing….but in person it’s a whole other thing. TV doesn’t capture the way he prowls around the field like he owns the bitch or bends over during plays (hello ass!). It definitely doesn’t capture his ridiculously intense sex-is-on-fireness. [I think seeing Hot Bitch in person is kind of a rite of passage. Sort of like the Bar Mitzvah or Deb Ball of Rugby League - L]

We were all soooooo sad times. Let’s console ourselves with some my own Hot Bitch photography shall we? I took these during the Titans game. There’s alot of ass because we were sitting behind the goal posts. Also, I am a pervert.

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Ahhhhh yes. V.nice.

4) B.MOZZZZZZ! Oooooh we are so proud of you baby! We are absolute Morris twin freaks here at Errol. I cried sad sad tears last year when I realised they would be separated (THANKS GASNIER GRRR). My sadness was compounded this year when Bretty wasn’t named in the starting line up for the first two weeks. What an absolute bloody JOKE. I was outraged, as was everyone in the Errol office.  Even more upsetting was the fact a small percentage of Dragons (ones I don’t like…boooo!) fans took this opportunity to lay into him, call him mean names and imply he’s useless.

Well after the weekends awesome performances may I just say – NOT SO USELESS ANYMORE HUH BITCHES. SUCK IT HATERS.

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He had a ripper of a game. He was all line breaks and big runs and awesomeness. And….look at that face! It would make angels weep! I think I used that expression for Shillo last year, but clearly it is even more applicable here. Anyway, Bretty is getting another run against Brisbane this Friday night and needless to say we will be cheering him on in our loungerooms. If we weren’t so lazy we would totally hit Lincraft, get busy with some glitter glue and sequins and whip up some handmade  WE LUV YOU B.MOZ t shirts. [And can I just say, I may not have got to see much of Hot Bitch for my birthday, but I did get some Bretty. THANKS UNIVERSE! - L]

Okay, now onto the other games. Yes apparently there are other teams in the NRL apart from the Dragons…who knew!

Once again I watched pretty much every game. Highlights include -

a)  the Broncos Alex Glenn giggling with delight as he scored a try against the Warriors. It was very Flossy-esque. More of that please Mr Glenn!

b) Us bursting into fits of lolz every time David Taylor came onto the screen. BABY OR BREAKFAST BURRITO?

c) The unspeakable rage of Des Hasler. Wow….just….WOW. Just when you think you’ve seen the peak of Dessie’s anger, he reaches a whole new level. Dessie’s performance in the coach’s box on Monday night was a sight to behold. I have this thing where sometimes I get so mad I don’t know how to express it and simply make lots of tiny jerky movements. Tiny tiny movements full of rage. Dessie did the exact same thing. Oh how I laughed/felt fearful for Manly players.

d) As much as it totally fucked up my tips, I was all over the Panthers gutsy win. That was some awesome football. Well done children! And yes, children is totally the appropriate word here because the games superstars were none other than our work experience boy Lachlan Coote and Errol Cutest Rookie of the Year nominee, Wade Graham.

By the way: looks like the Panthers’ Irish dancing classes were starting to kick in

At this juncture I would like to point out that we are what some would call ‘trailblazers’. Footy trailblazers.

Who wrote about Marc ‘The Herb’ Herbert before he even played a game? WE DID. Who featured Kayne Lawton in the Hot Man News months before he was picked to be a God of Football? WE DID. Who discussed Davey Williams awesomeness/hotness literally months before the rest of the world caught on? WE DID. And who hired Lachie and cooed over Wade (and his beautiful eyelashes) a loooong time before most people even knew their names? OH YEH, IT’S US.

So footy players, if you crave superstardom all you have to do is get us on side. Being an Errol favourite is like winning the lottery. Yep.

See you next week cupcakes!

17 

hot man news season premiere

March 19th, 2009

Break out the bubbly! It’s the first Hot Man News of 2009!

It seems everyone’s been doing their best in the off-season to make it into the Hot Man News. The Eels (I’m not calling them Fattamatta. Nope.) have lost a few kg, Davey’s brought back the beard, and Kayne Lawton’s grown his hair out a bit and stepped up the blonde:

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We here at Oh Errol LOVE a blondie (well I was anti-blonde until I went that way myself, and my narcissism made me a fully-fledged cheerleader for blondes), and clearly Kayne has been doing his research by going lighter.

To be honest I don’t personally find him THAT hot (I know…between that and not finding Hot Bitch overly amazing, I should probably trade in my vagina), but Kiki is super impressed by his latest look. Welcome back Kayne baby, we missed you.

Oh and if you’re wondering, the Kayne google searches did not let up in the off season. 507 since mid December!

In first-grade Titans news, Will Zill* = still making us swoon. I LOVE this guy, and not just because I enjoy saying his name. Will Zill Sells Sea Shells By The Sea Shore! Another cute blondie, hurrah.

Us: “WILL! How does it feel to be part of the Hottie McHotHots? Also, what’s it like being pretty?”

Will: “…………is this a real interview?”

And it seems Will Zill is also quite the talent outside of footy. The commentary team last week came out with the absolutely golden “William’s teammates reckon he’s good at everything…on and off the field”. IT’S LIKE MUSIC TO OUR PANTS. Of course they could’ve been talking about like, a penchant for knitting his teammates blue and yellow scarves for their trips down south, but let’s go with the obscene option. It’s the Errol way.

Will’s off-field mobile mechanic business is quite the success

This season has also introduced some baby hot bitches across the board. WELCOME BABIES. HOW’S IT FEEL TO BE OBJECTIFIED? GOOD WE HOPE.

Our fave by far though is the Eels’ Daniel Mortimer, who Kiki has suggested may be an heir to the Hot Bitch throne.

“You know, playing for the Eels is awesome and all, but I feel like there’s just something missing in my life”

“If only I could be featured in Oh Errol’s Hot Man News…”

“What’s that? I AM!? Wow, Gabrielle was right…Dreams really CAN come true”

This kid…wow. He even got the lesbian stamp of approval from our girl Bec, and that is no small feat. She is TOUGH to please. Not even Davey could get that stamp. I know right? We don’t get it either. Point is, DanDan has succeeded where Dave could not, and he’s not even in first grade. YET. We’re predicting big things from Daniel, and can’t wait to follow the rest of his season.

But the highlight of our week was the amazing, AMAZING Matt Ballin. Oh…my god. He’s the reigning God of Football, and his ass is so fantastic it should be considered a seperate player, but THIS I was not prepared for:

LORD HAVE MERCY. Ballin also brought some unexpected sexytimes by starting A FIGHT! HER KNEES! KICK HER KNEES! What a dark horse.

[ Here at Errol Matt is known as GI Ballin due to his military like hotness. My theory is that Bal is currently suffering from post traumatic stress of some kind. The insanely loud thunderstorm reminded him of bombs being dropped in the Vietnamese jungle. Consequently he lost his shit and had a burst of violence. THE FLASHBACKS MAN! Also...at this juncture I would like to thank Our Heavenly Lord for a) inventing white transparent shorts and b) causing torrential rain while Matt Ballin was wearing them. Thanks thanks thanks.- K]

PS- Yes that photo does have our watermark on it. We may or may not have purchased it outright from gettyimages and we don’t want any bitches stealing our shit. Needless to say this photographic perfection will appear on the walls of the Errol office. We are currently researching printing options. So far the front runner is a giant floor to ceiling canvas. Soaking Wet Sexy Sexy Ballin feature wall anyone?

*By the way, I love that a bitter Raiders fan, or possibly even a Raider, has obviously added to Will Zill’s wiki page: “He played just 24 games for Canberra before leaving even though they spent years developing him and nursing him through his knee injuries”

Greasy Willy Zilly thanks to Naked For a Cause, screencaps thanks to our fave blog HotAussieShirtless.

13 

the hot man news – john-john's revenge

September 9th, 2008

Oh children. Intern John-John Williams is officially Not Happy. You see, part of his job is monitoring our site traffic. Usually he does this quite happily but the past week has been awfully hard for him. It’s safe to say last weeks Hot Man News has been a raging success. Much to John-John’s chagrin, the people have gone Kayne Lawton craaaaazy. So much so that whenever you google ‘Kayne Lawton’ now, Errol appears on the first page. And OH how the people have been googling, clicking…and then possibly wanking.

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Our boy John-John doesn’t deal well with competition. He’s been throwing diva sized tantrums all week. We can handle tantrums, but we began to get really worried when the sulking started. Usually he bops round the office in shorty shorts singing Donna Summer, but yesterday I found him curled up in front of the stereo wailing to ’What About Me?’ (the Nollsy version) and demolishing a tub of ice cream. With Intern Brownies crochet blanket concealing his perfect body! Things are DIRE.

We desperately needed to cheer him up, so we deemed today would be Tropical Tuesday! Theme days are John-Johns favourite. Work Experience Boy Lachlan Coote has lit the tiki torches (we were cautious about letting a minor play with fire, but he insisted), Intern Brownie has whipped up some potent fruit punch and us girls are rocking some fierce coconut bikinis and hibiscus leis. John-John just made a decidedly grand entrance clad only in a floral sarong.

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Usually I would tell him floral sarongs are for ladies, but in his fragile emotional state I can’t risk it. Instead I’ve decided to make him feel super special and sit him down for a one on one interview. At his request we are both squished into one bean bag. We care not for proper chairs at Errol.

K - John John! My darling. How are you?

J- Better now. I love Tropical Tuesday. Do you want to get leid? GET IT? LEID! It’s funny because you’re wearing one.

K- Yes I get it.

J- Well do you?

K- Not right now. Let’s talk about you. Your Gods Of Football segment was on the Footy Show last week…how did it go?

J- Hmmm. It was okay.

K- Just okay? But you love modelling John-John!

J- I know I know. But Kiki they made me … oh God I can’t even say it. It’s too awful.

*buries face in hands*

K- Made you what baby?? Did they hurt you?

J- No no … they … well they made me wear clothes. CLOTHES KIKI!! THEY BURN! THEY BURRRRRN!

K- Oh dear. You poor kitten. I bet you weren’t happy with that.

J- I sure wasn’t. Look how sad I was!

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K- Oh my god they made you wear a shirt AND pants?? That is just cruel. We should call Amnesty International.

J- I don’t know what that is. But okay.

K- I see they put you in some jaunty fisherman pants. At least you got to be shirtless in some photos.

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J- Yeh I guess. Why are they called ‘fisherman pants’? I never wear pants when I go fishing.

K- Well no. But you never wear pants full stop.

J - I don’t get why I couldn’t just be in the nuddy. Last year I was. The only thing I was wearing was grease! Get it Kiki … I WAS ONLY WEARING GREASE PAINT! COZ I WAS NAKED!

K- Yes … I get it. But last year was Naked For A Cause. This is a different calendar entirely.

J - Can we make our 2009 Errol calendar a nakey one?

K- I think that is implied. I dunno if we can include Lachie though. We don’t wanna get in trouble like Bill Henson.

J - Henson…?? Like where the Jets play?

K- NO! Damnit! John-John if you actually read the newspaper you would get my jokes more regularly. Ummm…honey….your sarong. Stuff is err…hanging out. Fix yourself up please!

J- FINE! I’LL FIX IT! Why is everyone so mean to me lately?

K - Aaww. It’s okay. Tell me more about the photoshoot. Did you smile at all ?

J- Yes. When they weren’t looking I stripped off and felt heaaaaaps better.

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K- Aaaw see that’s the John-John we know and love! Did you miss us when you were away?

J- YES! So much. I tried to call you using a shell … you know how Ron does in Anchorman?? But you never turned up.

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K- Uhhh…..

J- What? Hey….Kiki… can I twist your coconuts?

K- No John. I think it’s time you got back to work.

(Images from The Footy Show , Naked for A Cause, Artie and the incredible Gods of Football website . Intern John-John and I demand you go and check it out. The Jane McGrath foundation is a a great cause and we should all support it.)

18 

hot man news – the kayne edition

September 1st, 2008

I don’t know how it happened, but somehow I have ended up Errol’s senior Hot Man Correspondent. Okay, that’s a lie…I know exactly why it’s happened. Because I am a perve of the highest order and deeply enjoy sexually objectifying football players on the internet. They say everyone has a calling, and I think I’ve found mine.

Because some of you are anti-nudity kill joys, I will do as I promised and use my warning sign. IT GALLS ME TO DO THIS PEOPLE. JUST SO YOU KNOW.

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I didn’t think my pants could get more excited than they did at Hot Man Christmas, but last week’s Footy Show proved me wrong. AND HOW! Not only have the geniuses behind the Gods Of Football calendar recognised Our Davey William’s hotness, now they have out done themselves and delivered us Kayne Lawton in all his glory. KAYNE FREAKING LAWTON! I thought we were the only ones who knew he even existed. Us and Scott Prince. Together we discovered KayLaw’s sexy and brought it to the world via this blog. Most of you are probably too lazy to click, so I’ll give you a taste of Prince Scott The Caramel’s take on Kayne.

“He is a freak,” said premiership-winning captain Prince. “I just shake my head.

I have been doing weights for seven or eight years now and I haven’t got half the body that kid has.”

“I haven’t seen him play yet, but seeing him train in the gym with us, he has definitely got an athlete’s body,” said Prince.

For those who don’t know, KayLaw is the halfback in the Titans Under 20′s side. Apparently he’s quite good with the ball. Whatever. I care not for his footballing abilities, and apparently neither does Scotty. Let us check out the aforementioned ‘athletes body’.

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Ohhhhh yeah. Thats some good….’athletic ability’ right there. Maybe Kayne could fly his athletic ass down to Sydney and we could work out. WORK OUT WITH NO PANTS ON.

The tan! The eyes! THE ARMS! Did I mention the tan? Guuuuuuuh its all too much.

At this juncture I would like to assert Errol ownership over Kayne and anything vaguely Kayne related. We found him first and if you want to touch him in his special area you have to come through us first. Send Intern John-John an email and he will place you in the waiting list. Tell him he’s a spunk while you’re there, coz he gets super jealous when we talk about men-that-aren’t-him being sexytimes.

One time we found him burning an effigy of Matt ‘Hot Bitch’ Cooper in the stationery cupboard. Luckily intensive psychotherapy is covered under the comprehensive Errol health plan. We are a very progressive workplace, what can I say.

I guess I should mention that Kayne is eighteen years old. Yes, eighteen. I felt a bit weird about mind molesting him…for about 2 seconds. And you know why? BECAUSE I DESERVE THIS GODAMNIT. Boys never looked like this when I was eighteen. Oh no. It was all acne, Lynx body spray and burping Jim Beam in my face at the Castle Hill Tavern. HOT!

Teenage boys are way hotter these days, and I for one feel ripped off and I refuse to feel bad for eyeing off year 12 students in the food court. It’s not my fault officer! It’s their slutty uniforms and scruffy hair! DON’T PERSECUTE ME FOR A NATURAL RESPONSE.

I spose I can’t ignore Daniel Conn’s appearance in the calendar. The Gays loooove him but me, not so much. Obviously he is a perfectly formed human, but he just doesn’t give me a lady boner. And I’m sure he will cry himself to sleep when he reads this.

For ages I couldn’t work out why he doesn’t do it for me, but I think I’ve put my finger on it. He is so….groomed. He literally doesn’t have one visible body hair hair. He’s all gleaming and perfect…like a human Ken Doll.

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My lack of admiration for him is probably just self protection. I know he would take one look at my hideously messy hair and filthy Converse and vomit a bit in his mouth.

Now onto a man that is everything Ken Doll Conn isn’t. Biiiig Davviiiddd Shillllington! OUR SHILLO! Shillo is the polar opposite to Daniel. I bet he would love my aversion to hair brushing and 5am schooner drinking. The best thing about Shillo is his obvious pride for his lustrous chest hair. OUT AND PROUD BABY!

 We Errolers are avid chest hair enthusiasts and know a good rug when we see one. And we nominate Shillo as having The Best Rug In League. We would add it as a category to our Errol Awards but it would upset the delicate balance we have constructed. Okay that’s a lie, we are just lazy bitches. Next year Shillo, next year. For now, let us revel in your hair based awesomeness -

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Shillo totally drew the short straw for this photoshoot. For some reason they enlisted him to help reorganise the warehouse and forced him to lug around giant chains all day.

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HE ISN’T A CLYDESDALE PEOPLE. Just coz he’s big doesn’t mean you can use him for all your heavy lifting. How can you do this to him? I mean look at this face! It would make angels weep!

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I will NOT stand for this sort of discrimination. Next time Shillo does a shoot, I’m going with him. I can comb his chest hair and make sure no one takes advantage of him. Except me of course, because that’s a given.

All screen captures from our favourite blog, Schillo photos from Gods of Football. Go check it out, it’s for a great cause.

0 

announcing: the oh errol awards 2008

August 3rd, 2008

TRUMPETS! ELEPHANTS! ACROBATS! FIREWORKS! THIS IS IMPORTANT AND SIGNIFICANT NEWS PEOPLE!  

We are proud, a little bit giddy and alot intoxicated to announce that this year, you have something to look forward to in the sad lull that comes between the Rugby League Grand Final in October and the supercrazypartyfuntimes intense competition of the rugby league World Cup. And isn’t that gonna be a great contest? Almost as compelling as the Commonwealth Games! Can you feel the excitement??

Anyway, that something is the 2008 Oh Errol Awards. We like to call them The Errols.

Today we will announce the nominees in all seven award categories. The lucky winners will receive their Errols at our glittering and illustrious awards ceremony in the Erskineville Bowling Club (beer on tap, food provided from the Chinese Bistro window). Hold onto your hats, bitches. Hereeeeee we go!

The Marlon Brando (the later years) Award for the Fattest Man in League

That’s right boys, this could be your future. Living as an eccentric recluse on an remote tropical island. Daily battling out-of-control bloating and the urge to wear nothing but muu-muus. Creepy companion midget is optional.

Past winners include Arthur Beetson and Daryl Brohman.

This year’s lucky nominees are:

Jarrad Hickey (Bulldogs)
Danny Wicks (Knights)
Mark ‘Piggy’ Riddell (Eels)
Adam Cuthbertson (Sea Eagles)
Steve Southern (Cowboys)

The award this year will also include a complimentary personalised jersey in the Parramatta Eels colours to recognise their excellent work as – by far – the fattest team in league.

 

The Fanta Pants Award for the Biggest Ranga in League

 

 

Previous receipients of the Fanta Pants award include Greg Florimo, Lance Thompson and Paul Vautin. The nominees for 2008 are:

 

Keith Galloway (Tigers)
Steve Southern (Cowboys)
Alan Tongue (Raiders)
Joel Monaghan (Raiders)
Peter Wallace (Broncos)

 

The winner of the Fanta Pants Award also receives a lifetime supply of Nair (to remove said Fanta pubes) and weekly therapy sessions to address the low self-esteem that is so often associated with a man of ginger persuasion.

 

The Polarfleece Award for the Snuggliest Man in League

 

 

There are all different types of attractiveness in this world. Men may not realise it, but ‘cute’ can mean a whole range of things. It’s possible to be intensely attracted to a man without immediately wanting him to put his penis in you. Yes really. When your first impulse is to take them to browse the soft furnishings section of Freedom, you have yourself a snuggly man.

Past Polarfleece winners have included the immensely snugglable Nathan Brown and Krisnan Inu.
This year the men we want to wrap ourselves ourselves up in a blankie with are:

 

Jarryd ‘Baby’ Hayne (Eels)
Issac Luke (Rabbitohs)
Ben ‘Hornbag’ Hornby (Dragons)
Jason ‘Flossy’ Nightingale (Dragons)
Scotty Prince (Titans)

 

Along with their Errol, the lucky winner will receive his very own alpine sweater, tin of drinking chocolate and a complimentary under-fleecy-blanket-snuggle from one of us. Kiki bags Hornbag.

 

The Des Hasler Award for the Best Hair in League
We can’t talk about this award too loudly around the office because Intern Brownie has a tendency to start weeping softly in the tea room, mourning for his dearly departed flaxen locks. We miss them too Brownie, we miss them too.
But in a league where there is so much douchey hair – Ben Roberts and Todd Carney we are looking at you – the men with the vision and strength to rise above peer pressure and sport truly luxurious manes deserve to be honoured.
Past receipients of the Des Hasler have included Peter Sterling (repeat winner 1983 and 1984) and Andrew ‘ET’ Ettingshausen.
This year we are deciding between the locks of:
Daine Laurie (Tigers)
David Williams (Sea Eagles)
Matthew Bell (Panthers)
Nathan Hindmarsh (Eels)
Ruben Wiki (Warriors)
To compliment his Errol, the winner of this award will also receive a gift pack containing Redken All Soft Treatment, two fro combs and a 15 minute scalp massage from intern John John. Don’t be alarmed if he leaves coconut tanning oil in your hair, it’s just his way.

 

The Caramel Delicious Award for the Best Skin in League
Look. We just notice Things Like This, okay? Some boys in the league have REALLY GOOD SKIN.  So good that we could just lick them.  Like a giant Werther’s caramel butterscotch.
So good, in fact, that were we inclined towards the old serial killer make-a-skin-suit out of someone thing, let’s just say these are the suits you’d want for formal occasions. And yes, we realise we are terribly terribly creepy. And you all love it.

Proud former Caramel Delicious winners include David Peachey. 

The nominees for this year are:

Willie Mason (Roosters)
Reni Maitua (Bulldogs)
Scott Prince (Titans)
Ashton Sims (Broncos)
Joel Moon (Broncos)

The Errol award for Best Skin will be accompanied by a pump pack of Palmer’s body lotion. Winners choice of Olive, Shea Butter or Original.

 

The Fuzzy Duckling Award for the Cutest Rookie of the Year

There are some young’uns making their way into the NRL who would deadset make your heart explode from adorableness. They just make our ovaries twinge with glee. Don’t question us, they just do. SO. MUCH. CUTENESS. SQUEEEE!

Previously the Fuzzy Duck has been awarded jointly to the overwhelmingly adorable Morris twins.

This year our awwww-radars are pinging for:

Kevin Locke (Warriors)
Marc Herbert (Raiders)
John Kite (Bulldogs)
Lachlan Coote (Panthers)
Wade Graham (Panthers)

When presented with their Errol, the winner will also receive a toybox filled with teddybears, matchbox cars and animal shaped soaps for bathtime.

The Matt Cooper Award for the Hottest Bitch in League

Technically, Matt Cooper should still qualify for nomination in this category. But we have (finally) realised that shit just isn’t fair. Who can compete with the Original Hot Bitch? His hotbitchness is above petty awards and mere competition. So even though we have disqualified him for competing this year, we will still honour mortals in the shadow of this god.
To date all Hot Bitch Awards have gone to Matt ‘Hot Bitch’ Cooper. Naturally.

The contenders in 2008 are:

Kayne Lawton (Titans)
Joe Picker (Raiders)
Matt Ballin (Sea Eagles)
John Williams (Cowboys)
David Williams (Sea Eagles)

This Errol will be accompanied by a bronzed cast of Matt Cooper’s bicep. Granted this prize may only serve to make them feel bad about themselves, but that’s really not our concern.

Over the coming weeks we will delve more deeply into the appeal of every nominee, methodically analysing why each of them are worthy of the honour. We did consider asking our readers for nomination suggestions but then we remembered we don’t really care what people who aren’t us think. No actually … thats a lie. We do love you all. We just love ourselves more.

Want to revel in the glamour of The Errols? Join us at the ceremony! Please send all ticket enquiries to errol@oherrol.com. Dress code is ‘Formal’, which means tuxedo t-shirts and double pluggers are acceptable and encouraged.

16 

footy observations – fugitivity + fuckability

July 31st, 2008

Oh children. The drama! THE DRAMA! My ticker can’t take it. The poor little thing is on struggle street. Aunty Kiki needs a very very strong drink. A Valium martini even (extra olives pls).

Rugby League has always been delightfully dramatic. Melodramatic even. It’s part of it’s charm. Shit is never boring. But recently we have reached entirely new levels of dramz. I never thought the words ‘international manhunt’ would be used in a league article. But here we are, with our very own Sonny Bill shaped fugitive. On the run from the lawwwws. It wasn’t him, IT WAS THE ONE ARMED MAAAAN!

You heard it here first kids. I for one can’t believe that SBW has managed to stay unfound for this long. I was sure he would get sprung crying IT’S BECAUSE IM POLYNESIAN ISN’T IT at a shopkeeper who told him he can’t use Australian money in the UK.

In these uncertain times, one must take comfort in the familar. Let us ignore Sonny Bill’s histronics and retreat to our favourite activity – sexually objectifying football players. Together, we will weather this storm using their bulging biceps and glistening thighs. Shelter in the hot babies, shelter in the hot.

In last weeks Hot Man News, I introduced you a few young guns of the cute persuasion. Lets check back with them shall we? Everyone loves an update!

I am happy to report that Marc-with-a-C Herbert had a cracker of a debut game and we couldn’t be prouder. We like to think he read the Hot Man News and was emboldened by it. And by all accounts he seems like a lovely young boy.

MARC Herbert has no tattoos. No streaks. The kid even moved back with his parents on Monday.

“So, yeah, nothing too exciting,” he smiles. “Although I do grow my hair into a bit of a mop occasionally . . . but then I cut it.”

AAAAW! Bet he has never pissed on someone hmmmm Todd Carney! Sassy and I watched him lead the Raiders to a 46 – 4 victory against the Titans on Saturday evening. And by ‘watched’ I mean sit at the Henson Park Hotel, sink schooeys and yell sexually inappropriate remarks at the TV screen. Much to the amusement of the old boilers around us. Anyway, well done kitten, you look adorable on TV.

I am however not pleased with the recent developments on John Williams’ face. On Friday night I tuned in to watch The Worst Game of The Year (Parra v Cowboys) thinking sweeeeet at least I can perve on JohnJohn Williams. But nooooooooo he had to go and grow some sort hair based monstrosity on his face didn’t he? NO JOHN JOHN NO! You see, baby, the beard is your brothers thing. Your thing is to be hot, clean cut and barely clothed. The thing you were sporting on Friday night doesn’t even look like a real beard. It looks like the eyeshadow beard I created for Daniel Freeman in our high school production of Into The Woods.

[I actually would like to point out to JohnJohn that his beard is heading dangerously into Kevin-the-straight-guy from Project Runway territory:

Shave immediately pls. – Sassy]

Now lets talk about Kayne Lawton. Oh, KayLaw. You are by far my greatest achievement. We discovered you mister, and don’t you forget about it. The amount of google searches we have had about you this week is unbelievable. It’s almost a…movement. AND ALL THANKS TO US. In my mind you didn’t exist until we blogged about you. You can thank us by wearing 70s shorty shorts and cleaning my pool.

(Note – Sassy is making noise about discovering Kayne and I guessss technically she did. So KayLaw please direct your sexual favours to the one with the fro.)

Kayne is so visually pleasant that he has my brothers girlfriend (hi Jade!) actively watching under 20s Titans games and messaging me about it. This is a girl who up until a few months ago would roll her eyes everytime footy was discussed. Kayne has The Power my friends. David Gallop, if you’re reading this (what am I saying ‘if’ for, I know you are)….please, for the love of all that is good and holy – use KayLaw’s molten hotness in next years ad campaign. Provided you have any money left over from suing Sonny Bill’s tanty throwing ass.


(To the straight mans reading this – I know I know, perviness overload. Im soz. I promise I’ll do a post about you know…actual football this weekend. I swear!)

28 

the hot man news

July 23rd, 2008

We here at Oh Errol are nothing if not dedicated journalists. Committed to bringing you the most important news from around Australia and beyond.

And is there any news more important than hot mans in the NRL? I say no. Thanks to Bobby our reporter in the field, it has come to our attention that this weekend we will be treated to some fresh Canberran meat. Yes I am aware of how creepy that sounds, but I enjoy my sentence regardless. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Raiders young buck (Bobby’s words) Marc-with-a-C Herbert!

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Look at that hair! Its strawberry blond deliciousness. He is thisclose to having a 1970s mop. Keep growing it baby! We are enthusiastic supporters of hair here at Errol. Hair love! The more hair, the better. On your head anyway. Although NRL players, may I just remind you that men are SUPPOSED to have body hair and religiously removing yours so you look like hairless cat is positively unattractive. No woman wants to hump a hairless man. No woman whose existence we approve of anyway.

Anyway, yes…MARC HERBERT! I hope for the sake of our eyes (and pants) that Captain Urination spends a lengthy stint on the sideline. We need more luxurious manes in rugby league. Although to be honest, no one can ever begin to come close to Dessy Hasler. BEST.HAIR.EVER. I’m convinced he’s got Kennedy blood running through those veins.

Readers, I’m also happy to report the future of NRL Hotness is looking bright. Incandescent even. I didn’t think Prince Scott the Caramel could get any more awesome, but he has. You see, he has been keeping his eye out for hotness north of the border. We didn’t even ask him to. He’s so pro-active! Keep this up and he may even join Brownie as an Errol intern. Lucky! So future intern, what have you got for us this evening?

“He is a freak,” said premiership-winning captain Prince. “I just shake my head.

“I have been doing weights for seven or eight years now and I haven’t got half the body that kid has.”

“I haven’t seen him play yet, but seeing him train in the gym with us, he has definitely got an athlete’s body,” said Prince.

Translation = THIS KID IS HOT.

Straight man code is so easy to decipher. You guys totally need to up the cagey factor if you wanna get one by us. It’s almost sad.

Anyway, Scotty… in your eagerness to describe the kids muscles of granite you forgot to to tell us his name. If you weren’t so busy eye raping him you woulda said “his name is Kayne Lawton.” You disgust me Prince. Objectifying a teenager like that. Have you no shame?

Seriously though, holy mother of GOD. Eighteen?? How is this possible? Wow just….wow. Hot Bitch Cooper, baby, you have an heir to the throne.

And finally, in the requisite human interest story that always concludes the news, let us talk about John Williams. Props to the mama and papa Williams who not only gave us The Hot Pioneer, but also produced the physical perfection that is his brother John. I would like to take this opportunity to say that my best mate knows the Williams from around the traps and thought I did too. We recently had a conversation that went something like -

K- You know who I love? The crazy bearded winger at Manly. David Williams.
S – Yeh we know him! And his brother! You know him Kiki…Hotdog! He plays for the Cowboys.

Um, no. No I don’t. Sure my memory is god awful (thanks vodka), but I’m preeeetttty sure I would remember a) a man called Hotdog and b) my eyes seeing THIS -

And that concludes the news for tonight. Go fuck yourselves, San Diego.

Hot Naked John thanks to the lovely Artie at FM Forums.