I’m sure you’ve all been on the edge of your seats, eagerly waiting in antici…pation for more words from the mouths of footy babes (and I obviously don’t use that word in the “Jonathon Taylor Thomas is suuuuch a babe” way. I never could get on the JTT lovetrain btw). So here I am, the Newest Manly Fan, serving up observations on a game that, first of all, I had to watch online after John John ‘accidentally’ locked the Foxtel to Adults Only. Poor Lachie got the shock of his life when he tuned in for Meerkat Manor on Monday morn. Luckily we were still up drinking awake early enough to calm him down and read Where Did I Come From? from cover to cover.

And after all that the internets wouldn’t let me watch the second half, so not only am I a footy retard (but a FAST LEARNING and ENTHUSIASTIC retard, thank you), I’m also going on half a game here. It kind of reminds me of that scene in Nine Months where they go to see the obstetrician, but there’s a Russian Robin Williams filling in who can barely speak English and specialises in primates. I am the Russian Monkey Obstetrician of footy posts.

But that’s ok, because there’s only a few things we need to talk about.

The boys went all Where’s Wally on us

Apparently this was in honour of Steve ‘Beaver’ Menzies last home game, the red & white sockies representing his junior club. Because I saw the pics before the game, I was not aware of this. I just thought they were trying new fashionz. And I approve! They all looked so charming. Stripey socks add so much to the heinous predominantly maroon uniform. Someone organise for stripey socks to be warn at all times, toot sweet. Tee hee, toot.

The Hot Pioneer broke a face

We always knew Our Davey’s beard was luxurious – now we know it’s also made of STEEL. Or at least his chin is. There was BLOOD guys. And Dave was completely unharmed! He clearly has the best face protection system evs.

If I was slightly more insane, I’d say I almost sensed a hint of evil from the beard and that if it had hands, they would’ve been rubbing together with glee after that effort. The Beard Has Two Faces, for reals. It’s kind of like when you see a puppy and you’re all ‘awww who’s a cutie?’, next thing it’s attached to your Tencel jeans trying to bite through their silky soft 90′s goodness for a juicy chunk of skin. Honest to god, I haven’t pet a random dog in the street since. Unfort it didn’t stop me from wearing Tencel jeans for at least 4 more years.

Anyway, Davey’s face is lovely AND dangerous. A guy like youuu, should wear a warniiiiing.

Steve brought his lady and bb out

I’m sure ovaries and hearts all over the stadium exploded. And upon seeing these pics, YES EVEN MINE. God, you think you’ve whipped them into passivity and then this happens.

pics: SGT at ManlySeaEagles.com

I’m rather concerned about how the boys will go once Steve leaves to be honest. I mean that in terms of their emotional states and not, you know, their game playing. Who’s Matt Ballin gonna carpool with now? What if once Beaver is no longer part of the Manly clubhouse furniture it’s just like in Wet Hot American Summer where they all become smackies within like, an hour (I like to relate pretty much everything in real life to movies and tv, just by the way)? How will Des use the silent treatment on THAT shit?

Fiiiiight!

Well, at least we know the boys can hold their own should they end up on frequenting crack dens:

pic: SGT at ManlySeaEagles.com

pic: Craig Golding/LeagueHQ.com.au

I didn’t actually SEE this because it was in the second half, but I suspect it had something to do with the Oh Errol Awards. Guys, enough with the infighting. There’s enough of us to go around, k? Unfortunately not enough awards, but there’s always next year. If you build it, we will come (shut up John John).

So there you have it – belated In Depth coverage of a Monday game, on Friday. If there’s something Really Important that I’m missing, or you just want to tell me off for saying absolutely nothing about football, then leave a comment yo.

edit: wow, um, I can’t believe I didn’t mention that MANLY WON. Worst. fan. ever.

That title would’ve been much cuter if I’d posted this yesterday and called it Chest Hair Tuesday, but it was just impossible to find a moment between getting Work Experience Boy Lachlan settled and snuggled, and Intern John-John constantly dragging us outside to watch him do ‘The Dolphin’ in the pool. YES WE’RE LOOKING JOHN JOHN. YES WE DO WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN.

pic: boyculture.typepad.com

You might have gathered that we’re avid cheerleaders of the beard. Some might call us Beard Enthusiasts. Well, our hair appreciation also travels south (no, not that far south. I only talk about that on weekends. Well that’s a lie, but not today kids) – we love a good rug. Whoever decided mans should wax their chests (or you know, anything at all) needs to be throttled. Speaking of hair removal, this reminds me I need to have a talk with John-John about the tube of Nair I bought last week and then found empty in his bum-bag. I suspect he wasn’t using it on his chest though, so that’s a plus I guess.

I suppose I kind of get it though, even if I do disapprove with a fiery hot intensity. There’s some amazing chest forestry out there and if you’re a guy who can only manage randomly scattered puffs of hair no matter how many Skin, Hair & Nails vitamins you take, it’s easier just to shave it off and pretend you COULD have a silky covering of man-fur but just CHOOSE NOT TO OK. Like guys who pretend they haven’t heard of/are too cool for Movember when they don’t want to show the world their pissweak mo effort.*

In an effort to groom our entire male readership to exactly our liking (after which we shall take over the woooorld), and more importantly to please ourselves, we’d like to provide some Hairy Role Models.

Let’s start with some vintage fur – Burt Reynolds**

That right there is one of the most famous chest rugs, no? Not ‘famous’ in the sense that it’s attached to a well-known actor, but famous of it’s own accord. I honestly can’t (though it’s possible that by ‘can’t’ I actually mean ‘won’t') recall a Burt movie where his chest hair hasn’t acted alongside him, emoting on cue like a true pro.

I think it’s best performance though is during Burt and Dolly’s Sneakin Around number in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (can’t wait for those google searches). We like beer and rodeos, detective books and dominoes, football games and Cheerios too Burt! YouTube also blessed me with what is titled “burt reynolds in a group shower scene”. HOW DID IT KNOW I’D ENJOY THAT? I have no idea where it’s from – the only description is the mysterious and non-helpful ‘from a silent movie’ – but let’s not ask questions and just enjoy Burt soapin’ his rug.

A more current chest hair representative is Mark Ruffalo, who we think of as the thinking woman’s hot bitch. Oh Maaaark.

pic: markruffalo.net

Sometimes our favourite mans really disappoint us in the chest hair department though. Yes Kyle Chandler, I am looking at you. Bitch is known for his amazing head of hair which, like Burt’s rug, emotes accordingly and always professionally.

“I cannot believe you’re getting me involved in this Lozzy”, says Kyle Chandler’s Hair

But apparently Kyle’s body spends so much time attending to his scalp, meticulously giving each strand of hair the strength of a small army and talent of the Actor’s Studio, that it forgets everywhere else. Kyle Chandler is quite hairless. We know this because the interns trawled through screencaps, pics of him wearing lowcut shirts and videos of 90′s TV appearances until the wee hours of the morning for us. Without us even asking! They are so creepy.

Speaking of unexpected hairlessness, this has all got me rather concerned about one of our Oh Errol faves Shillo. We’ve expressed our appreciation for his rockin the chest hair in Gods of Football, but on close inspection (it would’ve been closer but Lachie lost our magnifying glass outside while looking for ladybugs) of last week’s shirt lift, Shillo is looking frighteningly hairless in comparison.

pic: hotaussiefootyplayersshirtless.blogspot.com

Darlin, have the rest of the boys been whispering poor advice on body hair in your ear, or are our eyes playing tricks on us? Please let it be the latter.

*Of course none of this applies to men who are either blondies with pale baby-duck downs or are just naturally rather hairless. Or, you know, underage. It’s wanting to be a hairless cat on purpose that bothers us. As for Movember, IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE GUYS. Whether you can grow a good one or not is not the point. Though we will most certainly mock those with pissweak mo’s, it’s from a place of deep love and appreciation. And thirst for lolz.

**I had another pic here but it was scaring the interns every time they scrolled down, so it had to be changed. Clicky if the mystery is killing you.