38 

state of origin one: the debrief

June 5th, 2009

Apologies for not posting yesterday, darlings. But, you see, the Day After Origin is an official public holiday at Errol HQ. By which I mean we all hop in bed together and giggle away our hangovers of joy and/or sorrow. Can’t blog on a public holiday! For one thing, Intern John John would probably get all annoyed and try and start an Intern’s Union again. (The last one went down in flames when he and Intern Danny Wicks came to blows over the meeting catering options.)

I think our feelings about Origin can best be summed up visually.


……………. we lost.

Thanks Robbie Farah. Another relevant description is: DAMN I hate losing to Queensland. And not in the usual rageful we-enjoy-having-nemeses Angelina-Jolie-hating kinda way. I really REALLY hate it. It galls me. It actually makes me understand completely what the phrase ‘makes your blood boil’ means. There is deadset no other way to describe the rage Queensland incites in me. We even got a twitter warning for profanity because of it. FASCISTS. %$#&($#@.

But because I’m a masochist let’s talk about it anyway, shall we?

ALL THE WAY WITH BENNY CREAGH


I do NOT have my own heading! Do I?

It wasn’t all tears and heartbreak on the field. Our team of baby blues looked … well to be honest, they looked a little freaked at times. But on either side of that is the potential for future Origin brilliance.

They ran out so strongly that even my friend who knows NOTHING about footy – hi Cyan! – smsed to tell me they looked ‘dangerous’.  But after the abortive joy at Jarryd Hayne’s maybe-try in the first half, they kinda … wilted. Like rocket in a toasted sandwich. And do you know what? I understand, babies. I thought it was a try too. The only people who don’t are parochial self-deluding Queenslanders like Barry Dick on the Courier Mail website who maintain that Jarryd’s heel was on the ground in this shot:


How good is the helpful ‘FOOT’ arrow? Apparently Courier Mail subeditors have little faith in their readers.

NOT THAT I’M BITTER ABOUT IT OR ANYTHING. Booo hisssss Barry Dick. (It’s funny cause he has the word Dick in his name). 

And waiting around while the video refs watched eight replays gave them enough time to realise they were playing State of Origin and freak the hell out.
But this is what comes with experience, right? I’m gonna say yes, because by the time forty minutes had passed, our bbs made a tough, scrappy, big-hearted AWESOME comeback.

And we wanna make a special shout-out to Benny Creagh – specially in the first half. Watching him run at the line made me twinge with pride. We like to think us yelling ALL THE WAY WITH BENNY CREAGH whenever he got a touch of the ball helped immensely. I can’t wait to rock up to Origin II and spot the CREAGHs on the back of baby blue jerseys. You know it’s gonna happen, just you wait. He’ll be a hero for strawberry blond boys everywhere. Cause God knows they don’t have many.

On the topic of second-rowers, Luke O’Donnell smashed it in the second half. Did our pervy comments help?


… if I say yes will you promise to leave me alone?

In other news, unless you are colour blind, you would have noticed that Justin Poore looked RESPLENDENT in his blues jersey.

See? I am also super-proud to point out in massive pink writing that our new BFF Bert from Country Rugby League is sitting there on the left,looking very dapper in his Origin suit. HI BERT! We always knew you belonged on hotaussiefootyplayersshirtless.blogspot.com, you old dog, you.

Apparently Justin Poore is also the den mother of the blues. P.Wallace was so depressed after the loss he couldn’t even manage to get out of his clothes (that totally happens to me too when I’m depressed. Completely normal. One time I slept in jeans) and J.Poore stepped in to sort him out. 

I asked resident astrology and Tarot expert Lozzy and she thinks he must be a Cancer or an Aquarius. They are v. nurturing star signs. I’m not so sure. He doesn’t seem that into it, does he?

Justin: … right there mate?

Justin: Remember we talked about this in camp? Start from the bottom of the jersey, not the top.

Justin: Dammit just hold still I’ll do it myself.
Joey: … ? 

Joey: This is just getting weird now. I actually think I saw a porno like this once.

Justin: For the record, I’m not sitting next to him next Origin. 

THE KIDS FROM NORTH OF THE BORDER 

I can’t comment on the Queenslanders’ performance, because I don’t want to be biased on Errol. (That’s a lie. I love being biased. I just don’t want to talk about them. WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?)

So I’ll quote a Queenslander I used to work with, and surprisingly don’t hate. If nothing else, that’s probably because his username for footy tipping is ‘HatesTheStormHugh’. What a winner.

His summary is pretty much:

Well what did you expect? Every time QLD passed the ball it went to one of the stars of the game, all they had to do was not fuck up and the game was theirs. 

Amen. I will add though that Queensland really need to rethink their Origin suits.

No disrespect Inglis (that’s also a lie) but DAMN that is some zombie horror shit right there. Grey is NOT his colour. He looks straight up undead. That sort of thing is fine if you’re appearing as an extra in the Thriller film clip, not so fine for a victorious footy player.

Can’t they send the Queensland boys to June Dally-Watkins or Colour Me Beautiful or something to get their colours done and sort that shit out? It offends my eyes. (FYI, I think he’s an autumn, but it’s hard to know for sure until you get the scarf on their head).

In other news I will give you a chocolate bar if you can guess what song Johnathan Thurston was singing in his head while he waited for the game to start.

Here’s a clue:

WORK THOSE HIPS JT.

TRANSMISSION PROBLEMS

We should also say hi to the boys from Fire Up! and all their listeners for putting on a great shindig down at the Alexandria Hotel for Origin. The screen really WAS big. Plus the live show was a sell-out and hopefully raised shitloads for FBi. 

Oaten and Ferris even asked us to do some crowd interviews before the game … sadly we took that to mean the whole thing was on radio, and kept saying ‘who wants to be on the radio?’

Considering that NONE of the live show was broadcast, that makes us complete idiots. This is no surprise. It is, however, one of the most Errol stories I’ve ever heard. We do not win at life.

Meanwhile we are taking this loss as a sign for the future: our boys have the talent, they just need the confidence and the tenacity to go with it. See you at the next game, baby blues. 

Love, Sassy.

 

Thank you as always to the lovely Cronkster and the INCREDIBLE BS for the screen caps. You boys are the best.

16 

state of origin: serial killers and smut

June 2nd, 2009

Origin time! Just one more sleep to go till our beloved baby blues take the field in Melby at the newly and oddly-named Etihad Stadium. What is this place? Where is it? Is it the Telstra Dome? I have no idea. I will be watching it at the Alexandria Hotel and that’s what matters.

And our boys really are babies this year. Eight debutantes!

Don’t they look lovely?

Lovely and FIERCE. Justin Hodges and Johnathan Thurston tried to psyche out the baby blues by saying they’ll be terrified of the big night, but Benny Creagh (at the back, on the left, rocking the garland of flowers) was having none of it.

You wouldn’t play rugby league if you were scared.


Even Greg Inglis enjoys Ben Creagh’s burns. Izzy Folau just likes smiling.

Pic. Wayne Taylor

Try and argue with THAT logic kids. His job does involve running at gigantic men for a living. Hodges might be the noisiest sledger but Benny Creagh prefers a succinct burn.

Plus I bet Hodges doesn’t have an adorable personalised slogan like ALL THE WAY WITH BENNY CREAGH. HAH.

Benny Creagh has to be especially un-scarified to run out on the field each week, because God knows he’s had his share of injuries. No shit it seems like his head somehow manages to get broken and start bleeding every single time I watch the Dragons play. Head of glass!

It got to the point last season where I watched a documentary about how head injuries can turn kids into serial killers – (it’s true) – and after a few cocktails at the weekly Errol management meeting, we were thisclose to putting on a special Benny Creagh safety and surveillance team. Then we sobered up and got over it.

Well apparently Luke Bailey read that post too. When the Melby press asked if the NSW pack was aggressive enough he announced:

“I think [Ben Creagh] can snap. He is a bit like Ivan Milat, he has got that serial killer in him.

But we will have to see if he can get fired up first. I’ve seen him fire up a couple of times.”

WE KNEW IT. Oh Errol: breaking rugby league serial killer news … first.

And in case rugby league and State of Origin wasn’t dramatic enough to get Victorians interested, the teams have gotten all paranoid and finger-pointy to try and get them intrigued. SEE GUYZ! JUST LIKE UNDERBELLY … BUT WITH FOOTY!

Queensland say NSW turned up late to a coaching clinic for bushfire victims to avoid gettin spied on. Then they ran a closed session, so Queensland one-upped them with their own closed training session. Bellamy’s even keeping his team list folded up in his Secret Coachez Diary. It has a padlock and a sign saying CRAIGZ STUFF DO NOT RAED.

Ok, so maybe it’s not so much Underbelly as Bring it On. They don’t want those opposition bitches coming up to Compton and stealing their moves.


I’m sexy, I’m cute. I’m popular to boot! I’m bitchin, great hair! The boys all love to stare!

Meanwhile with Errol fave and Cowboys start Luke Hot’Donnell in the team, I was going to sit down with mah quill and mah parchment and write some of our trademark Errol perviness for you, possibly involving talk of intensity and sin bins and whatnot. That’s part of the site’s charm, right? Then I opened up the news.com.au website and realised Dean Ritchie and Matt Marshall had written an article about whether Luke is the new NSW enforcer, and did a better job than I could EVER do of being pervy.

“I’d go even further than O’Donnell just being the enforcer,” said Murray, who coached O’Donnell at North Queensland and NSW. “All the NSW back-rowers are edge players but I’d put O’Donnell in the core.

“He’s aggressive and explosive enough to handle the heavy stuff.”

OOF. Aggressive and explosive. That phrase is so … romance novel. I love it.

“O’Donnell can go the distance and has great stamina.”

Oh man. It’s funny cause I’m smutty. I love a double entendre. Also, single entendres.

“It’s an intense style of footy,” O’Donnell said. “A lot of people talk about back-rowers these days just as workhorses or having a workrate, a lot of players have that these days, but I’d like to think I can bring a bit of impact and a bit of sting in defence and attack.

“When I’m in form I think I’ve got a lot to offer at this level.”

“I’ve been here before. I’m happy to do any job I’m given.”

Seriously? I couldn’t make this shit up. I would make a joke about I’ll-give-you-a-job but IT’S JUST TOO EASY.

“I guess I have always been pretty aggressive out on the field, ever since I was a young fellow. I love the confrontation. I love the body contact – that’s what I love about the game.

“I go as hard as I can every minute I’m out there. That has always been my approach.

Body contact? IT’S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL.

NSW legend Steve Roach has a huge opinion of O’Donnell.

“You need someone to really get stuck in and O’Donnell is the man,” Roach said.

“I just love (his) energy and power. He won’t relent … he just keeps going. The harder it is, the better O’Donnell likes it.”

…………………………………….

I’m sorry, what was my point? Oh, yes. Even though it’s not us making the pervy comments this State of Origin (it’s weirding me out too, don’t worry), there are some things that never change.

[Doesn't that article read like something we wrote as a joke for Errol? It reminds me of the 'interview' I di with Intern John John last year. Seriously, can you believe the real John grew a mo for us after that? Neither can we. -K]

Even after winning the last three series, and the fact that they have a virtual monopoly on Australian rep jerseys, the maroons have STILL managed to find a way to make themselves underdogs.

According to Cam Smith:

We knew what it felt like to be in their position three years ago, and you’re going to do anything to try and get a win.

It’s something that we need to be careful of. We can’t underestimate these blokes. They’ve got the easy job.

No one expects them to win. They don’t have to worry about any outside factors. There’s no expectation on them, so they can just go out there and play their own game.

It must be so stressful being Origin superstars. Poor maroons. I can’t wait to beat you.

9 

oh errol fantasy league: round 7

April 28th, 2009

Ok look. I’m gunna let you all in on a little behind the scenes Errol stuffs. Thankfully this isn’t a video featurette like you get on DVD special features, coz I haven’t had my hair done in weeks and my regrowth is shocking. Don’t worry, I’m going to get it done on Thursday. I know you were wondering.

Last week I struggled like woah with our fantasy post. I just had nothing to say! I got so sick of it that I cracked the shits, made Sassy finish it, and said I’M NOT DOING IT NEXT WEEK. NO NO NO! *tanty*

Lozzy causes a scene in the Errol Office/wears awesome dress

“So why are you doing it this week then Lozzy? I must know!”

*fills with rage* BECAUSE I’VE DROPPED TO 6TH PLACE IN TIPPING AND I’M SO ANNOYED ABOUT IT I REFUSED TO DO THE TIPS POST. No, I don’t wanna talk about it.

Anyway, hopefully this week’s fantasy post comes a little easier this time. I’ve waited till the afternoon to write it because I feel my best thinking is done a) in the shower (SASSY DOES IT TOO. We always say “So I was just thinking in the shower and…”) and b) post-lunch. Because pre-lunch I’m just thinking about lunch/emailing Sassy asking what she’s having for lunch, which fall into the hands of unsuspecting coworkers. HI HUGH!

THE WILDCATS

Looks like the silent treatment paid off. The Wildcats scored a decent 930 points this week – improving by more than 100 from last week. Still, they could do better.

We couldn’t afford to re-introduce Hot Bitch Coops to the team (and I mean we literally couldn’t afford it. Bitch is expensive), but we did benefit from the return of Steve Price, who brought a fantastic 71 points to the table (you know he totally sits at the head of it and carves the meat too).

Errol favourite Robbie Farah also scored a nice 79 points, which would be even more awesome if he were still the Wildcats captain but…we gave it to T.Camps. Who scored 27 points. GOD TEZ. Is this because I ditched you for Jamie Soward as my footy husband? I know you apparently have a bung foot and a ‘virus’, but I think this is the real reason. It’s ok, rejection makes me vomit too.

Meanwhile we are feeling super-smart and prescient that when we were picking the squads, Sassy snapped up lil Kevin Gordon from the Gold Coast Titans for just $87,500. That bad boy is now worth $149,600. He also notched up 67 points this round. Amazing!

And you know what? We are not surprised. Because we like to put our faith in the young players. We believe the children are our future, if you will.

And Kevin Gordon is an especially lovable future.

HI K.FLASH. We especially love his monotreme hair and Flossy-esque joy at just being on the footy field. Star of the future alert, people.

Man of the Match however goes to Manu Vatuvei. 85 POINTS! Vatuvei, Vatuvei he’s our man(u)! (We would’ve given it to Tiny Dancer and his 105 pts, but he gets a mention on Errol all the time)

THE HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS

The Hotties had an ok week. 842 points. Not spectacular, but definitely better than some of their past efforts.

We COULD afford Hot Bitch for the Hotties, but we also didn’t realise John John was out for two weeks, not one, and had him in our starting 13. I SWEAR HE WAS IN THE TEAM LIST. I checked, and then recorded against our fantasy team spreadsheet. You can’t argue with the spreadsheet!

Luke O’Donnell, as foreshadowed last week, took on the Hotties captaincy…and then went and got himself sinbinned. DAMMIT LUKE. That’s minus 16 points, you bitch. Consider yourself stripped of the title. Mmm, stripping Luke O’Donnell.


Luke O’Donnell can sin our bins any day

As for the head-to-head, well, the Wildcats beat the Hotties. I dunno about the other girls, but I was really hoping it would be the other way around. Not that I don’t love the Wildcats. I just love the Hotties more. WHAT!? I just like an underdog! It has nothing to do with their prettiness.

JADEWATCH

No proper Jadewatch this week. We contacted Jade for comment and could only get a “I’m too embarrassed at the result” statement. Ouch. Poor Jade. Poor Tiny Dancers.

Shirtless Luke – Naked For a Cause and our fave blog

26 

footy observations- tap arse, biff and white shorts

April 16th, 2009

Last weekend’s footy was a veritable festival of lolz. The Lolz Festival! I would totally go to that. Who am I kidding, I would be straight out performing. No…HEADLINING. Youse are all invited backstage of course. Together we will make that rider our bitch.

Err anyway, because Sassy and I are literally married we have a system where we support each others teams. She has been to the last few Dragons games with me, so this last Friday it was my turn to accompany her to watch the Chooks.  We proceeded to get quite drunk at our friend’s BBQ (hi Denee!) then tottled off to the footy.

k

To put it mildly, what a crap game. The atmosphere was non existent (sup cricket crowd!) and the first half was like watching a reggies match. The Chooks served up some of their trademark ridiculousness, including a player getting up to play the ball to no one, looking around to find a guy behind him….who was also looking around searching for someone. I squealed in horror and spilt my drink. THANKS CHOOKS. Those drinks deadset cost 15 dollars.

Meanwhile I spent most of the game trying to figure out how to get live scores from the Dragons game on my fone. I gave up and went back to the BBQ, hopped on Denee’s laptop and was delighted to see my babies came up with a win. Not a huge suprise, but god knows I love seeing the boys on the top of the table. I even did my Top Of The Table Dance which is basically star jumps until I get buggered and fall on the floor clutching my side in pain.

k

In natural light, Kiki’s bronzer looked decidedly greenish

Afterwards we walked stumbled down to the Leagues Club to meet some of the Bondi Rescue boys for a drink (I know, I know, we are such total celebs. Autograph line to left…). After way too many Smirnoff Blacks we decided it would be an awesome idea to accost poor Shaun Kenny-Dowall and ask him vitally important questions like ‘SKD! WHY DID U WEAR THONGS IN YOUR GODS OF FOOTBALL SHOOT? IS IT COZ YOU’RE SCARED OF GETTING TINEA?’

To his credit, he was very gracious and tolerant of our crazy. Also, we would like to apologise for terrorising some of the baby Chooks. Specifically to Sandor Earl for bringing up trimmed man pubes in our first ever conversation.

Back to the Dragons. Sadly Hot Bitch Cooper is STILL out, but obviously Channel 9 read Errol (well duh, who doesn’t) and decided to give me some sideline action to soothe my pain.

llk

Joey - So Coops, how does it feel when Kiki violates you on the internet?
Hot Bitch – Yeh mate…not bad. Wish she would stop doing that heavy breathing thing on my voicemail though.

Tiny Dancer Soward continues to be an amazing human. Going great guns for the Drags, and more importantly for our beloved fantasy teams. His pre goal kicking dance routine is one of the top 5 greatest things about league. Like, ever. Obviously the Parra crowd doesn’t think so, those bitches were all up his business with their boos. Poor ignorant people. Everyone knows you do NOT interrupt Sowie Kapowie.

lk

UM EXCUSE ME FUCKERS…BIT OF SHOOSH FOR MAH DANCE OKAY?

Sassy and I also watched the Cowboys v Titans. We don’t really care about either team, we just didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to watch not one but TWO teams in white shorts. Specially when said teams include Willy Zilly, John John and Luke O’Donnell. Granted, it did take us approximately 20 mins to figure out why the Cowboys looked to be playing in the Newtown Jets strip (hehe…strip), but it was totally worth it.

Onto Monday night footy. I tipped the Bunnies because well… it was Easter. Flawless logic right? WRONG. DAMN YOU RABBITOHS. Thankfully though, this game delivered two things I love: biff and lolz.

The biff was….okay, I wasn’t watching that closely. I’m still not quite sure what started it. But it sure escalated into something kind of amazing pretty quickly. Nothing says celebrating the resurrection of Christ like fisticuffs on the footy field right? We were delighted to see the muchly adorable Benny Lowe right in the middle of it. The man has curls, a sweet tan, great pins and most importantly…dimples. Clearly a new Errol fave.

lk

This brawl’s for you, Jesus!

And then there were the lolz. These lolz stemmed from severe embarassment. Which everyone knows is the best kind of lolz. As the boys ran on for half time, a rain soaked Andy Raymond informed us that Ben Hannant wouldn’t be returning for awhile because he had a, and I quote, “case of the runs”. Oh….my god. As if tap arse isn’t embarassing enough on it’s own, now the poor bloke has to have it reported as news on national television.

k

Because my brother and I are basically 12 yr olds, we dissolved into a fit of giggles and started imagining if Hannant shat his pants whilst on the field. Would he have to go to the….Shit Bin? Would the ref stop the game? YOU…HANNANT..SHIT BIN! GET YOURSELF CLEANED UP! Would the trainers whack him in an adult diaper, give him a change of shorts and send him back on out there? Or maybe even…stitch his ass up?

And on that charming note, I’ll see you next week.

Screencaps from the awesome BS. Shooshing the crowd joke unashamedly stolen from Lozzy.