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errol’s 12 days of christmas : day three

December 15th, 2010

On the third day of Christmas

Oh Errol gave to me

Footy players trying to model (volume one)

If you’ve ever read Errol you will know our favourite thing about footy is the unintentional lolz. Rugby league is downright hysterical and if you don’t see that you’re a massive weirdo with no friends, it’s just a scientific fact. We could list all the unintentional lolz footy has given us, but where do we even begin. Many of them we’ve already written about, so please busy yourselves reading our archives of amazingness. Good kids.

After our few years of working around footy, we’ve realised the only thing footy players look normal doing is well….playing footy. Take them off the field and they suddenly become out of place and accidentally HILARIOUS. Their off field existence is lolz enough, but what about when they try to model? I think you know the answer to that.

The internet tells me these photos were taken for the Gold Coast’s Sexiest Man or something but obviously something happened along the way and the boys are now competing for Gold Coast’s Most Embarrassing Photo. It’s tough competition but i think Scott Sattler has this one in the bag. I’m 73% certain there was a wind machine involved at that photoshoot and that is amazing. Consolation points to Kayne Lawton’s flurorescent orange fake tan and Scotty’s teen idol pose. All that’s missing is a sunflower and a kitten in a basket.

The hallmark of lolz footy modelling is of course, Lowes. Let us bathe in the glory of Matt Ballin getting his Zoolander on for them.

Where do I start here? Let’s do them by order.

1) Well now I know to visit Lowes next time I need a detective costume for a fancy dress party.

2) AAAH! I get it! He’s pretending to sleep because he’s wearing pyjamas. Well played Lowes, well played indeed.

3) I have never seen a man stand like this ever. Ballin the Little Teapot!

It gets better though. Because you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Matt Ballin model a three piece fuschia suit. Note : no this is not photoshopped.

Apparently the first photo was taken when Bal was suffering some momentary Bells Palsy because I have no other explanation for what’s going on in his facial region. Also…WHAT THE HELL IS HE HOLDING?

Remember Ryan Girdler? He is total babeness and our hearts and pants were sad the day he retired.

Yes, totally babing. Modelling is a perfect post footy career for him! So imagine my horror when I found these little gems…

UMMMM…….

What have you DONE to him Lowes? I know he’s a bit salt and peppery these days but why have you aged him 25 years in post production? Not only is he an old man, he’s a CREEPY old man. That second photo deadset looks like a lineup photo from the sex crimes unit. I’m scared. Someone hold me?

I have many, many more lolz modelling pics saved so keep a look out for volumes two, three and possibly four. And leave a comment extolling the virtues of Errol’s 12 Days campaign or I’ll crack the shits and revoke your post privileges.

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footy observations: barbecues and theatre sports

August 12th, 2010

Well it happened, friends. Kiki’s Dragons and my Roosters clashed at the SCG. YES WE SURVIVED. It was surprisingly … civilised. Maybe the SCG just gives out those kind of vibes, because the whole thing was generally sunshiney and positive and lovely and genial. No, I’m not joking. Neither of us even got up and sang a song about scoring tries while doing an obnoxious little dance (which we usually really, really enjoy).

It also helped that there was a fucking fierce Roosters fan sitting behind us in a NSWRL-era jersey, who could perfectly imitate a rooster.

It’s hard to be depressed with a woman in a footy jersey cock-a-doodle-doing behind you. I think my mum actually has that embroidered on a teatowel.

It also helped that there was a lot to like. I cried a little tear when Kane Linnett limped from the field, but Todd Carney run the ball eased the pain. MAubs at centre for next week? Don’t mind if we do. Sure it might all go down in flames, but you can’t deny he runs beautiful lines and the bitch does have some footwork. I believe.

And lastly, it helped that some people had equally traumatic weekends:

Exhibit A: Intern John-John had to have his weekly leg-wax in public (well it was for charity)

Exhibit B: all of womanhood suffered as one when Matt Ballin’s face got injured. NOT THE FACE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Exhibit C: J.Aubs discovered that when you’re out injured for the season … you’re suddenly at the bottom of the pyramid and the boys totally make you do all the shit jobs.  eg. take over when there’s smoke burning your vulnerable little eyes. As if he doesn’t have enough problems! Stop laughing Todd Carney!

Exhibit D: Oh, Beau. That’s him trying to hail a cab after his weekend performance.

Exhibit E: The Storm lost Greg Inglis …. and their will to live.

That reminds me: in completely expected and in no way surprising signing news, Greg Inglis is a Bronco. We all know he’s a fucking bandit for a maroon jersey. Also, we totally predicted it in the latest issue of Rugby League Player (buy it. It’s ace). We also predicted GI will take his boat with him to Brissie and start a Whitsunday charter sail operation that ends in tragedy. We’re pretty much Nostradamus, or something.

Errol fave Flash Gordon is staying at Penrith,while Jeremy Smith has joined the dark side and signed to the Sharks. If nothing else, we hope he somehow manages to cheer up Anthony Tupou with his love and friendship. WHY SO SAD, TOOPS?

Apparently Steve Matai turned down the Warriors before he confirmed a deal with Manly, meaning his deal with Manly will be a whole lot less. He is a master negotiator, no? We’re 99% sure that when Manly do give him a deal it will be for a glass of water and one of Des’ used hairbrushes and he’ll fall to the ground running in circles like Homer negotiating with Burns.

And up in Brissie, the elder statesmen Darren Lockyer STILL refuses to announce his retirement, and Corey Norman is rapidly turning into Peter Costello, waiting and waiting for John Howard to retire until all of a sudden Malcolm Turnbull’s party leader and Costello is losing his hair. Sucks to be Corey.

Related question – if Darren Lockyer was a vampire, he would be the Master from Buffy, yes?

But screw signings, more importantly JAMAL IS ON TV. He’s signed is a brand new deal to get him on the Footy Show and on that cop show. You know, the one with Gary Sweet.

Well played, Channel 9. Well played. To quote Jamal “I’m not the next big thing, but I’m pretty close to it”. AMEN.

But best of all, DES HASLER MADE A FUNNY. Last night at the Harbord Diggers, George Rose and a team of players took on Dessie’s team in the “Stage of Origin” theatre sports. Just take a moment to think about that, won’t you? Dessie sticking his arms through someone’s armpits and pretending to interview a celebrity. Dessie playing ‘subtitles’. Dessie pretending to do accents.

Wow.

And on that note, I’m gonna leave you with a picture of the Roosters being adorable at a Mission Australia pre-City to Surf barbecue (shoutout to Dan!), and a link to see a shirtless George Rose rocking out at Stage of Origin. You’re welcome.

Hey, Shaun Kenny-Dowall, why so concerned about sausages?

(All game pics: Getty Images)

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the storm, speedboats and shouting at strangers

April 27th, 2010

It’s time for an Errol public service announcement. Things have been rough since the news of the Melbourne Storm scandal broke. Last week, when Kiki’s Iranian dentist innocently asked her to explain all this complicated Melbourne Storm money-business, she only got through a sentence before literally tearing up in the chair. IT WAS EMOTIONAL, OK?

When you love footy, and have an inexplicable love for David Gallop like we do – he’s just really comforting, you know? – the whole incident and the aftershocks that it’s putting through the game are tres upsetting.

We already said last week that we know there is no punishment, either letting the Storm play, or forbidding them to play, that’s fair on the game and the other teams. So why the hate for the NRL? They’re just doing their best in a massive unpleasant shitstorm. At the ANZAC day Roosters vs Dragons game, Kiki caught at least three Roosters fans booing David Gallop and was so annoyed she had to step in.

And by ‘step in’, clearly we mean yelling ‘SHUT UP! WHAT’S HE EVER DONE TO YOU? DO YOU KNOW WHO’S RUN A NATIONAL CORPORATION? DAVID GALLOP. KNOW WHO HASN’T? YOU. SO PISS OFF.”

We just have a lot of feelings. And one of those feelings is now anger, that people are prolonging the whole gross cheaty mess by blaming the NRL for ruining the game. What about, um …. the people that actually cheated?

There’s footage of Brian Waldron in 2007 talking about how necessary the salaray cap is. Those aren’t the words of someone who thinks the cap is unfair and hates that it’s driving him to cheat and be generally evil, which is what some people are implying. If the Storm thought the cap was so unfair, wouldn’t they have said SOMETHING publicly in the last five years? God knows they have the media profile to do it. They could’ve told the whole nation after they won one of their two billion games.

But obviously the people pulling the scam didn’t care about the cap being unfair or changing the game, they just wanted to win. You can’t undo that kinda deception.


The Raiders like to have all their Important Salary Cap discussions in the pool. Joel Thompson wants to know why the NRL hates third parties so much. He loves parties!

We feel sorry for the fans and for anyone who had no idea what was going on, but that doesn’t mean the club as a whole didn’t cheat. Sometimes, like Wendell with the coke, you just have to take your medicine, make the best of it, and move on.

He could’ve easily said “BUT EVERYONE IN SYDNEY DOES COKE” (true), instead he took the two years off and went back to reggies. Just one of the many reasons we think he’s an awesome human.

We don’t wanna see the Storm disappear, but doesn’t it seem a bit tacky and spiteful to turn it into the Storm vs everyone else? Rugby League is like a family, which is why the cheating hurt so much. So shouldn’t it be the whole RL community against cheaters, not us vs the Storm?


Why don’t you share the love, Cooper Cronk?

You know how shit it is that the Storm have to play for nothing? It’s also pretty shit for every team who already lost points this year to a team in breach of the salary cap (at this point Kiki yells LIKE THE DRAGONS) and every team who has to lose points through the year for a team that can’t even get in the Grand Final.

CHEATING HURTS EVERYONE GUYZ! WE’RE ALL SUFFERING!

So how about we all have a big fuck-off group hug and enjoy some comedy?

As part of their Important Investigationz, the Daily Telegraph have special exclusive spy pics and information about Greg Inglis’ GARAGE OF LIES.

Oh yes, apparently that’s Greg Inglis, pictured right, opening his garage.

You can’t beat that kind of journalistic brilliance. It’s a man opening a garage! And best of all, it’s not even a man opening a garage, OR Greg Inglis. It’s two random dudes standing next to a boat. Oh, telegraph.

Allegedly, GI was paid his salary, but also given a sweet $30,000 speedboat and …. wait for it …. a HARVEY NORMAN VOUCHER. OH, THE HUMANITY! That shit is like the Mafia, huh?

First of all, can you believe Inglis has a speedboat? After watching that infamous bloopers reel -

(in fact, we may have watched it about twenty times, cause that shit is hilarious. Make sure to check out Jarryd-with-a-Y at 1:30 for some awesome lolz).

Passenger: GI, isn’t that another boat to port side? Doesn’t it have right of way?

Greg: ………. what?


Is there even any open water in Victoria? Does he take it out on the Yarra? Or does he just use it for storage?

More importantly, when it comes to million-dollar fraud, we love thinking that all top-notch fraudsters bribe people with gift vouchers for whitegoods and stereo headphones.

After all, as Casey on twitter pointed out, “everyone needs a kettle to go with their speedboat”.

Now let’s have a guess how GI spent the rest of his allegedly fraudulent voucher.

Kiki is convinced he splashed out on a schmick new “Cheeky Massage Chair“. It does foot massage, kneading, rolling, shiatsu, AND tapping. He’s an athlete, he needs to keep his muscles supple!

Meanwhile we know he didn’t buy the George Foreman Steamer. Have you seen his gut?

And it hasn’t just been a trying time for Storm fans, and fans of bein’ honest n that.

Manly were also beaten at the last minute by the Titans last night … at Brookvale. I know, we were shocked too.

We would like to send our condolences to Ben Farrar’s family and friends. We’re sure Des will confess and lead police to the body at some point if they offer him a large enough sentence reduction.

So to ease the Eagles fans’ and the Farrar family’s pain, we give you:

It’s Ken-Doll Ballin! Now complete with shimmery new disco Euro-trunks. Think of it the Ken Doll for those who love foam parties in Ibiza and rubbing oil on themselves in public. Rock on, Bal.

And now, we leave you with the soothing sight of Fui Fui Moi Moi in his undies. He cares not for swimwear. Love and kisses, Kiki and Sassy.

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hot man news season premiere

March 19th, 2009

Break out the bubbly! It’s the first Hot Man News of 2009!

It seems everyone’s been doing their best in the off-season to make it into the Hot Man News. The Eels (I’m not calling them Fattamatta. Nope.) have lost a few kg, Davey’s brought back the beard, and Kayne Lawton’s grown his hair out a bit and stepped up the blonde:

laksjd

We here at Oh Errol LOVE a blondie (well I was anti-blonde until I went that way myself, and my narcissism made me a fully-fledged cheerleader for blondes), and clearly Kayne has been doing his research by going lighter.

To be honest I don’t personally find him THAT hot (I know…between that and not finding Hot Bitch overly amazing, I should probably trade in my vagina), but Kiki is super impressed by his latest look. Welcome back Kayne baby, we missed you.

Oh and if you’re wondering, the Kayne google searches did not let up in the off season. 507 since mid December!

In first-grade Titans news, Will Zill* = still making us swoon. I LOVE this guy, and not just because I enjoy saying his name. Will Zill Sells Sea Shells By The Sea Shore! Another cute blondie, hurrah.

Us: “WILL! How does it feel to be part of the Hottie McHotHots? Also, what’s it like being pretty?”

Will: “…………is this a real interview?”

And it seems Will Zill is also quite the talent outside of footy. The commentary team last week came out with the absolutely golden “William’s teammates reckon he’s good at everything…on and off the field”. IT’S LIKE MUSIC TO OUR PANTS. Of course they could’ve been talking about like, a penchant for knitting his teammates blue and yellow scarves for their trips down south, but let’s go with the obscene option. It’s the Errol way.

Will’s off-field mobile mechanic business is quite the success

This season has also introduced some baby hot bitches across the board. WELCOME BABIES. HOW’S IT FEEL TO BE OBJECTIFIED? GOOD WE HOPE.

Our fave by far though is the Eels’ Daniel Mortimer, who Kiki has suggested may be an heir to the Hot Bitch throne.

“You know, playing for the Eels is awesome and all, but I feel like there’s just something missing in my life”

“If only I could be featured in Oh Errol’s Hot Man News…”

“What’s that? I AM!? Wow, Gabrielle was right…Dreams really CAN come true”

This kid…wow. He even got the lesbian stamp of approval from our girl Bec, and that is no small feat. She is TOUGH to please. Not even Davey could get that stamp. I know right? We don’t get it either. Point is, DanDan has succeeded where Dave could not, and he’s not even in first grade. YET. We’re predicting big things from Daniel, and can’t wait to follow the rest of his season.

But the highlight of our week was the amazing, AMAZING Matt Ballin. Oh…my god. He’s the reigning God of Football, and his ass is so fantastic it should be considered a seperate player, but THIS I was not prepared for:

LORD HAVE MERCY. Ballin also brought some unexpected sexytimes by starting A FIGHT! HER KNEES! KICK HER KNEES! What a dark horse.

[ Here at Errol Matt is known as GI Ballin due to his military like hotness. My theory is that Bal is currently suffering from post traumatic stress of some kind. The insanely loud thunderstorm reminded him of bombs being dropped in the Vietnamese jungle. Consequently he lost his shit and had a burst of violence. THE FLASHBACKS MAN! Also...at this juncture I would like to thank Our Heavenly Lord for a) inventing white transparent shorts and b) causing torrential rain while Matt Ballin was wearing them. Thanks thanks thanks.- K]

PS- Yes that photo does have our watermark on it. We may or may not have purchased it outright from gettyimages and we don’t want any bitches stealing our shit. Needless to say this photographic perfection will appear on the walls of the Errol office. We are currently researching printing options. So far the front runner is a giant floor to ceiling canvas. Soaking Wet Sexy Sexy Ballin feature wall anyone?

*By the way, I love that a bitter Raiders fan, or possibly even a Raider, has obviously added to Will Zill’s wiki page: “He played just 24 games for Canberra before leaving even though they spent years developing him and nursing him through his knee injuries”

Greasy Willy Zilly thanks to Naked For a Cause, screencaps thanks to our fave blog HotAussieShirtless.

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spit-shine those shoes: it's school photo day

October 2nd, 2008

Following Work Experience Boy Lachie’s journey out to spy on the Sea Eagles last week, returning  with some beautiful shots of the boy’s preparing for this weekend’s performance of Garbo Get Your Gun…I mean My Fair Garbo…DAMMIT I MEAN THE NRL FINALS, we thought we’d send him out on another excursion to see what’s what during Grand Final week.

So Monday morn’ Lachie turned up with Mama Coote-signed permission slip and Curious George lunchbox in hand, and we sent him off to do our bidding. And not just the Manly boys this time, no siree bob. We made like Bill Paxton and went after The Storm.

First of all, it should be known that the Manly lot were auctioning off a place in their team photo. Unfortunately the auction also came with a Sea Eagles jersey, shorts and socks:

The highest bidder will receive a Sea Eagles Jersey, Shorts and Socks to wear in the photo and keep as a memento of the occasion as well as a framed copy of the photo.

This is a truly amazing opportunity that you will treasure for ever.

Yes, they were asking fans to pay to wear maroon. As enticing as lying across the boys knees with my head resting in Davey’s lap sounds (I don’t mean that the way it sounds, I swear)…not in that getup, ok thanks.

Judging from the piccies Lachie brought home, the Sea Eagles photo day was much like every single one I endured throughout my schooling ie. lots of lining up and height organisation, which Matt Orford should be pretty upset about:

Aw youse big kids crack me up

AWWW Matty! I understand. I was ALWAYS the shortest kid in the class and got stuck in the front row, even when I purposely wore the wrong shoes to avoid it. Except in Year 11 when the dickheads put me right up the top with all the tall kids and I had to stand on my tip toes AND STILL LOOKED LIKE A MIDGET. Orford doesn’t actually look too concerned though – I guess a Dally M medal overrides any height neuroses.

Des Hasler does not find this buffoonery amusing.

By the way, Sassy would like to know if that is bird poo in Ballin’s hair in the above pic. Surely birds don’t poo on a GOD OF FOOTBALL? DON’T THEY KNOW WHO HE IS? Perhaps the bird in question was a rabid Daniel Conn fan and is v unimpressed with the result.

ZOMG Daniel Conn I’m your biggest fan. Sign my wing?

Speaking of hair, Davey’s award-nominated locks were enjoying the sun very much.

I like to think he personally suggested an outdoors shoot specifically so his natural blonde highlights would be emphasised, in an attempt to score a few more points in the race for Best Hair in League. BUT I JUST LOOK BETTER AMONGST NATURE GUYZ. We see right through you David (it’s kind of working though just quietly).

Whilst the Sea Eagles were gallivanting around/not amusing Des Hasler (by the way, you just KNOW the token ‘does the finger in the class photo’ guy was Watmough), over at Globo Gym the cyborgs players were rounded up, programmed to their ‘human emotion’ setting and produced this:

Hmm, I don’t think that’s quite convincing enough for us to believe they have souls. Apparently Bellamy didn’t think so either and upped the boys Humaniser2000 program to maximum:

Do Not Be Fooled. Proceed With Caution. They may look like they’re having fun but IT’S A FRONT PEOPLE. THEY’RE STILL DEAD BEHIND THE EYES.

Just look at this:

How unhappy is that dog? It’s utterly ashamed to be seen with Go Storm on it’s back. S/he can sense the evil.

Sea Eagles pics: Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

Storm pics: Quinn Rooney/Getty Images

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footy observations – morals, speedos and celibacy

September 26th, 2008

klsdj

I am not a woman of particular principles. Due to my continual stories of inappropriate behaviour you may have guessed this already, but let my explain it further. Fear not, I am a lady and always keep my undies on thankyouverymuch, and I would never steal, drink drive or deliberately hurt somebody … but I am definitely not a person who makes Sensible Decisions. Therefore I don’t tend to get all moralistic on your ass, because really … I’ve probably done/said the same thing. And much worse.

I keep my moral outrage pretty much contained to one area of my life … and unsuprisingly, that is football. I will never judge you bearing illegtimate children/drug taking/being an ex-con or even wearing stilettos with shorts. Okay thats a lie I will TOTALLY judge you for bad outfit choices. However my point still stands. Essentially, I am not a judgemental person. However, I will completely and utterly judge you for being a fan of teams I Hate. And these are the Broncos, the Sharks and of course the ever hateful Storm. Ditto for the players. BOOO! HISSSS!

kfjfk
note: not my actual hand

So herein lies my Moral Dilemma. Naturally, no team could ever replace my beloved Dragons, but I don’t want to opt out of finals fever simply because my babies didn’t make the cut. I guess I coulda chosen the Chookies in solidarity with Sassy and Marlo, but to be honest I just don’t give a shit about them. SOZ GUYS.

At first I thought I was firmly on Team Manly (due to my Beaver love), but those crafty bitches from New Zealand have snuck up and stolen my heart.  I is so confuuuused. Anyway, as I said last week, basically I am on Team-Anyone-That-Isn’t-The- Storm. All good, I thought. Oh, I was wrooooong.

This meant I had to not only stop hating, but actively CHEER for the Broncos. Oh my sweet jesus, this was really freaking hard. I felt so conflicted. When Darius Boyd scored I was even more conflicted coz I kept imagining him (allegedly) doing naughty bizness in toilets. And then seeing him in the pristine Red V next year. ARGH. Even worse was watching Sam Thaiday coz I love that fat hairy bitch. Surely a man who hands out carnations for mothers day couldn’t be involved in (alleged) yucky times? Sureeely? I’m gonna start The Sam Thaiday Innocence Project. I will be like a law student from Wisconsin working my preppy ass off to get wrongfully accused death row inmates out of jail. I hope they make a doco and put me on the Crime and Investigation Channel. That would be awes.

kj

note: not actually Kiki

It was big time moral dilemmas. Everytime Brisbane would score I would leap to feet and yell YESSSS GO BRONCOS. OH GOD WHAT? GO BRONCOS? ARGH EW! YAY! NO SO;DFJKLIFJKLFJ!!! *combusts* As if that wasn’t bad enough this weekend I have to….oh god, can you guys smell something? It’s like…fake tan mixed with xenophobia. With just a hint of surburban nouveau riche. It smells like….Cronulla.

That’s right, this weekend I have to cheer the bloody Sharks. As a Dragons fan this is pretty much The Worst Thing Ever but really, it has to be done. It’s a matter of principle. Is this how Roosevelt and Churchill felt when they realised they had to ally with Stalin? Banding together to defeat the bigger evil?

kfjf

(For those of you who are historically inept – those are the WW2 Allied leaders. The democratic USA and England had to ally with the communist Russia to defeat Nazi Germany. GET IT PEOPLE? THE STORM! THEY ARE EVIL.I really wish I didn’t have to explain my historical lolz, but after years of making History Jokes that no one gets I’ve realised not everyone is as massively nerdy as me. Unfortunately.)

Anyway, this shit makes me feel DIRTY. And not in the Kiki gets blind and pashes an shaggy haired 18 year old at the Brighton Bar sort of way. It’s in a bad way. If you find me naked in a Dettol bath scrubbing myself with a steel wool and muttering I’ll never be clean again…must…get…clean…don’t be suprised.

Lets move on to nicer things. You know who is Nice? Davey Williams! We loves him. Apparently the Herald does too. Today they wrote a whole article about him! Good for you Davey. They describe him as being “94kg of tightly packed muscle”. I would make a joke about wanting Dave to ‘tightly pack’ one of my muscles, but I won’t. Because I’m a lady.

I do however object to two things in this article.

ONE- they call him ‘The Wolfman’. GODAMNIT PEOPLE. HE IS NOT THE WOLFMAN. Everyone knows he is The Hot Pioneer. He rides horses, chops wood and looks sexy times in long johns. He doesn’t do…well…whatever it is wolf men do.

klsdjd
David wished Kiera would stop making yucky jokes about his wood

Listen to me carefully media peeps - just because Dave has a beard doesn’t make him a wolf man. This is why they need us on TV/writing articles/being generally omnipresent. If you look carefully (and god knows we have, repeatedly) he is actually quite hairless. You know who is a real wolfman? CAMERON BLOODY SMITH. That bitch quite clearly shaves everyday but still has a stubble shadow.

TWO- they have totally emasculated him with their captioning. Dave probably posed for this thinking, yeh bitches, I’m totes tough and awesome and a WINGER IN A TOP 4 TEAM. I am a MAN! YESSSSS!

hhfh

Then they go and caption it “Size doesn’t matter….Manly’s David Williams”

I’m dead. DEAD! I am outraged on Daves behalf. For godsakes sub-editors, he’s already having trouble. He announced on the Footy Show this evening that he is ‘basically celibate, but not by choice.’

Times are dire for Davey’s pants. At this evenings Gods Of Football presentation he totally went the pash on Matt Ballin. He’s like…girls, boys…I don’t even care! For the love of god will someone just PLEASE TOUCH ME DOWN THERE!

odfjf

He really is living on Toey Island because tonight, in an blatant attempt to get laid, he wore the tightest shirt known to mankind.

ldkld

David, that’s totally your school shirt from Year 10 and don’t you even try to tell me any different. WHORE!

Anyway, in case you’re wondering, Bal took out this years Leagues Sexiest Sexy Man. Or Godliest Godly God of Football or something. That competition is fucking confusing. We have christened him GI Ballin due to his miltary!like!efficiency! and carved in granite hotness. Bitch totally carries it off.

osdjk

Hello hot eyebrow scar! My vajayjay is saluting as we speak.

And finally, because we are all about the Warriors at the moment, I thought I would include some Steve Price. Okay that’s clearly bullshit. I just wanted an excuse to post this -

lkaj

Holy old man hotness! That photo is suprising yet … arousing. Shit, I feel dirty again. Lachie, fetch me the Dettol!

PS – I know I’ve photoshopped Dave + another man + love hearts two weeks in a row but it isn’t my fault. If he stopped doing homoerotic things then I wouldn’t have to. SEE WHAT YOU MAKE ME DO DAVID?

(caps from our fave blog, Steve Price from the lovely kingfish at fmforums)

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exclusive errol semi-finals update: manly edition

September 25th, 2008

Judging by his awesome efforts the other day, it seems our little Lachie is turning into quite the photographer. And with Cameron ‘Lindy Chamberlain’ Smith and Sonny Bill Feelings dominating the papers we thought maybe it’s also a good time to get the focus back on … you know, footy.

Semi-finals week is finally here and we are all tres excited.  Only two teams we dislike left in the competition!  Wheee!

This weekend the Bearded Warriors take on the Sea Eagles, and yes, we will be there at the footy stadium, cheering on … well cheering on everyone.  We kinda love Manly and the Warriors, to be honest.  We are just that full of love.  Like Mother Theresa.  Or Jesus.

And with the recent run of Warriors form we are not at all certain who will take it out.  That’s why we sent little Lachie over the spit bridge to try and find out what’s happening in Camp Hasler and see if he can help us all out with our tips.

Looking over the negatives this morning, we realised Dessie, as always, is doing something secret and tricksy and Dessish. That’s why his hair is so big. It’s full of secrets.

I’ve heard it said that when your team has a week off during finals, with no game to fire them up, it’s easy for training to taper off in intensity, and the training routine to start to seem dull. Not for Dessie’s boys.

David ‘Hot Garbo’ Williams and Steve ‘high-pants’ Bell were sent to join the Dee Why garbos on their morning run before yesterday’s session. Lifting bins for strength work, chasing the truck for cardio, enduring the stench for team bonding. Unconventional and brilliant. And don’t the bitches look sharp in their council-issue vests? Sure it’s a little 2006 electro, but you can’t deny Des knows his fashionz.

Anthony Watmough was keen to work on his strength, so went the tried and tested Venice Beach route (midriff top and all) and spent the morning on weights.


Lookin sharp Watmough!

And the Beav. Oh Beaver, either you’re in the Dessy bad books or you drew the short straw. No one deserves to be sent to play over 30s mixed netball. I can’t decide whether that expression translates as ‘*$#%# netball’ or ‘eh? what is this contraption? I’m too old for this kind of malarky. Suyin, where are my stewed prunes?’

I’m gonna go with the second one. Because I don’t think the Beaver would swear. However, I do apparently think he talks like an elderly Jewish man now. WHATEVER.

GI Matt Ballin didn’t get sent anywhere, because quite simply, bitch didn’t need to. GI Ballin is trained to perform. SOLDIERS DON’T GET DISTRACTED, SIR! I LOVE TRAINING, SIR! PLEASE, SIR, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE?

… and we wish we could bring you some updates on Brett ‘the Snake’ Stewart, but sadly it seems he got lost mid-afternoon and never made it to training at all. If Mama Stewart is reading he’s currently at Register 3 Coles Manly waiting to be collected. He says his name is Brett, he is five, and he lives in a blue house in Sydney, the world, the universe.

Happy gambling!

 

All pics: Getty Images

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14 

an audience with the beav

August 22nd, 2008

KITTENS!  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?  THE NIGHT FINALLY CAME.  The Steven ‘Beaver’ Menzies Tribute Dinner.   A night that is Notable and Important if for no other reason than because opportunities as good as this for embarassing yourself in a spectacular fashion in front of favourite sportsmen or celebrities don’t come along very often and a bitch has to take advantage of them when they do.

And if Kiki’s blog didn’t fully explain how excited we were to ask the Beav for a hug (we did, and he obliged), I think I can sum it up by saying this: our girl Kiki was early.  

[Sitting by yourself all dolled up in a hotel lobby = hello I'm a prostitute! You guys couldnt get there soon enough - K]

I would also like to point out my mammoth effort to be there: I actually wore makeup and proper shoes.  HIGH HEELS, EVEN.  I HOPE YOU APPRECIATED IT BEAVER.  If that didn’t mean more to him than all the accolades from Arko and Gus then I wash my hands of him.

And when we trotted on into the dinner – a few shampoos under our belts for courage and fancy handbags under our arms (something about a Beaver dinner just said MONGRAMMED DIOR to us, you know?) – we weren’t disappointed.  Beaver!  Lyons!  Toovey!  Eagles Angels! Gouldy! Mini cheesecake! Free Beaver books!

Excuse me if I have to sit down for a moment.  I’m a tad overexcited.  Free stuff gets me that way.  (You know they say thriftiness is next to godliness.  Or something).

And I know how eager you have all been for updates, so shall we walk through it in point form?  We can pretend each one is one of the free CDs John Hopoate took home for his kids.  Score for the Hopoate family!

* First, I have to ask some Very Important Questions.

The singing.  This doesn’t happen very often, but I was kinda speechless for a moment when a live singer was ushered onto the stage to sing the national anthem.  Is this normal?  Really?  To have to stand up in your suits and cocktail dresses and sing for two minutes before you’re allowed to get your seafood entree?  Is it cause it’s a FOOTBALL dinner?  You have to sing the anthem as though you’re at a game? 

If there’s anything more awkward than that I have NO IDEA what it is.

On the other hand, I am ALL FOR the auction prizes.  One of which was a silver headgear.  Oh yes, a cast of the Beaver’s headgear in antique silver.  I am dead.  Dead from laughter.  If I had that I think my life would be complete.  I’d charge $5 a pop for people to come and see my antique silver footy headgear.  That kinda thing goes right into the pool room.

* We also have a few thanks to make:

To the crowd in general for kindly not lynching me or our BFF and newly-appointed Errol publicist Marlo when they found out we are Roosters supporters.  So welcoming!  WELU MANLY!

To Reg Reagan, for passing on the name of his VB suit tailor to me.  I am all over that idea.  And I have no doubt my employers will be all over me turning up in a red and green logoed pencil skirt suit.  Faaabulous, non?

To Anthony Watmough, for not clocking any of us when we announced to him that he had a TERRIBLE game last week.  We mean it with love.  

To David Williams, for not placing restraining orders on us when we explained to him in great detail that his brother is our oft-naked intern and we have made him our patron saint (complete with enthusiastic re-enactment of patron saint woodchopping pose).  Oh no, we’re not creepy at alllll. 

We would like to thank Dave for the numerous hugs also.  Bitch gives good cuddle.

[Also for letting me stroke his beard while I purred like a kitten - K]

* Apology notes of the e-variety go to:

Matt Ballin: we ill-advisedly pointed out to him that he is a lucky nominee this year for an Errol for hottest bitch in league.  Poor little kitten.  He was baffled, and slightly scared.  I could see in his eyes that he just really wanted Steven to hurry the fuck up so they could grab the car and head home (they carpooled! I am dead!)  Imagine if we’d spilled that he also personal trains us all, complete with excessive hamstring stretching.   He may have had a stroke.

Matty Johns: you looked terrified of us, but fear not.  We’re not court-order creep-into-your-house-while-you-sleep skin-suit crazy (we’re far too lazy for anything like that).  We’re just your garden variety drunken eccentrics who enjoy accosting strangers.  No need to spend any money on upping your personal security details just yet darlin.

[The Beav - Sorry for not only giving you an Errol card and yelling I'VE BEEN OBSESSED WITH YOU SINCE I WAS 14 then nuzzling your shoulder, but then coming back repeatedly to make sure you still had the card in your pocket. And making you show me before I would leave you alone. Sorry x 1000 - K]

Aww Kizzy.  I think if you can do that to anyone, surely it’s the beav?

* We also want to send some love to our most favouritest people of the night:

De Bortoli.  Naturally.  That was some heartwarming sparkling wine.  I am certain I drank more than my $250 dollars’ worth.  And the mild headache today is totally worth it.  I had a bacon and egg roll and it fixed me right up.

Cliff Lyons – still rocking that mo.  Why fix what ain’t broken?

Suyin - as if she wasn’t fabulous enough in her tasselled minidress, she interrupted Beaver’s heartfelt speech thanking her “… for six years of happiness” with “IT WAS SEVEN!” from the crowd.  Needless to say, we’re a little bit in love.  Also with Wendy Harmer.

And Alex ‘Big Al’ Ma, who completely won our hearts.  Surely he is the most dedicated Manly supporter a girl could ever meet - he never even misses an away game.  Not even in Auckland.  Going to New Zealand for a team you love?  Might as well chop off a leg!

What a legend.  Also hilarious and adorable.  We’re not surprised though, to be honest big Al.  Not now we’ve met your parents – who are equally fabulous (hi Al’s mum and dad!)

I especially enjoyed the look on your mama’s face when she asked if we were footy players girlfriends and we answered in unison GOOD GOD NO.

We don’t shag footy players!  We just mock them on the internets thankyouverymuch!

* Fear not, we didn’t disappoint in the embarassing stakes either, kiddies.  How could you think we ever would?  We are always vaguely drunk and inappropriate.  We like to think it’s part of our charm.  Eh, it helps us sleep at night.

Kiki fell on the forgiving Suyin in a spectacular fashion - exposing the mammoth ladder up the back of her stockings – then pleaded sobriety.  IT WAS THE SHOES!  No one ever believes that.  

[ It was godamnit!! I'm not used to wearing heels! I also told her I'm so glad the Beav didn't marry some heinous gold digger and now I can rest easy knowing my hero has found himself a good woman. She seemed pleased/slightly creeped out - K] 

Craig Hancock ruffled my fro and announced to probably every former Manly great in attendance that I feel like a sheep.  Special.

I attempted to walk through a window, thinking it was a door.  Worst of all, I hadn’t even had a drink at that stage.  And because we hadn’t made sufficient spectacles of ourselves between seven and midnight, Kiki and I ended the evening with an impromptu Penny Lane dance across the shiny white floors of the Sofitel foyer. Shoeless.

We listen to the wind, to the wind of our soulssssss ….

* And last, but most certainly not least - the highlight of my entire evening.  You thought it would be the Beav, didnt you?  Well he is unparalleled in his loveliness.  He also gives great hug.  And his speech did make me cry – twice. (But then Phil Gould also made me cry.  I think Nick the Greek sitting next to me may have laughed at my weeping, and I don’t really blame him.  I just have a lot of feelings).


Tyra would not be pleased with my fierce face. NOT ENOUGH NECK!

Well the honour goes to Billy Birmingham.  Sorry Beav.  You didn’t tell us we were FIERCE, but the twelfth man seems to think we are.

He said fierce?  Yes, yes he did.  Does that mean he watches America’s Next Top Model?  I like to think yes.  I like to think he follows the time old ritual of spending Tuesday night sitting on the couch with Sushi Train takeaway and a beer painting his nails and bitching about how fabulously delusional Tyra is and which of the competitors may or may not be a man. 

Everyone does that, right?

[Billy was the highlight of my night too. He enjoyed our story about 'one time we had hot boys in our hotel room and we made them listen to Boned instead of making out'. He said THAT IS THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD. We love you Billy! - K]

Thanks for the memories, Beav.  Kiss kiss.

 

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17 

the kool-aid recap: lozzy drinks it up

August 10th, 2008

First of all this isn’t so much a recap as it is a chance to peek into the mind of a Reformed Football Hater, and witness the power of Sassy and Kiki’s influence. We’ve been here before of course with Jessica’s journey, but she was much less resistant and quite easily slipped into obsession – I was a bigger challenge. I’m stubborn and stuck in my ways, I’ve always HATED sport and I have an aversion to muscly men.

Then once I had Kiki and Sassy to point things out for me and discovered bearded David Williams (btw we are apparently the go-to blog for info on ‘manly sea eagles with the beard’), it was ON. It’s kind of like how my mum refused to use a computer for years insisting that they’re unnecessary and boring, then found out how much lolz stuff there is on the Internets and now sends me texts to ‘search for Nora on YouTube’ (it’s a cat playing piano in case you’re wondering). THIS IS AMAZING! IT’S A WHOLE NEW WORLD!

So Friday night I settled in with an almost empty bottle of vodka (which I’m glad is almost empty since last time I watched something Important while drinking, I ended up not recalling the last 40 minutes of High School Musical) to watch my newly adopted bbs play Storm. I naively expected it to be kind of like last week with it’s hilar commentary on oranges and a smorgasbord of mans in the form of David Williams and Matt Ballin. I was WRONG. Well, the mans were there but the action was the brighter star. This game was FULL ON.


[Is that the pioneer breaking up a fight? That makes so much sense. I think in the colonies you really need someone with a cool head who'll keep the other boys in line when they try and punch each other up for eating someone else's serve of shepherd's pie at the dinnertable. - Sassy]

I will say though that despite all the seriousness and intensity I did manage to drift off and think about Lemur’s every time Jeff Lima was mentioned.

Giggle! His name sounds like animalz.

Anyway it was all so overwhelming I don’t think I can form proper paragraphs and will present the rest of my thoughtz in bullet points.

  • There was a severe lack of Hot Pioneer here. Though I suspect maybe the gang at Channel 9 wanted to give us at Oh Errol a break after the unveiling of the Gods of Football pics. They’re just concerned for our wellbeing! We did however get to see Our Davey score a try in what was christened “Beaver and The Wolfman Part 2”. I love that they enjoy a running joke. Sadly no references to Enid Blyton this week though. More references to children’s literature pls boys!
  • I straight up cannot STAND Billy Slater. I don’t know why, I don’t have a reason, it’s completely irrational, but I do know that my instincts are NEVER WRONG. Like how I always hated Jeremy Piven even though I’d never seen him in anything or knew much about him at all, and then he won the Emmy instead of Will Arnett in 2006. I KNEW I HATED HIM FOR A REASON. I was afraid to say this for a while in case Cooper Cronk found out and didn’t want to go on excursions to the zoo with me anymore (well he didn’t to begin with, nor does he actually know of my plans at all, but whatevs), but he’s on my Irrational Shit-List too now so it’s all ok.
  • Rabs thinks Ballin has ‘blossomed’. AWWWW! It sounds like a line from the menstruation film they watch in Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret.

Coincidentally Ballin happens to make my lady flower blossom.

  • My Boys almost score a try but video ref is feeling hardarsed. Gus is Not Impressed:
THAT IS A DISGRACE. MY GOD. THAT IS A DISGRACE. THAT’S RIDICULOUS.

In related news, at this point my vodka bottle is officially empty.

  • At one point Davey Williams gets picked up and absolutely SLAMMED backwards by Anthony Quinn. NOT THE CURLS! YOU LEAVE OUR FACE ALONE! I mean, his face. Right, his face.
  • Someone is appalled by ‘the hide of the bloke’ regarding something Billy Slater did. I don’t actually know what it was but I CONCUR.
  • Storm win. Surprise!

I’m clearly not an expert but I thought the Manly boys played a cracker of a game right to the end. Go boys go! And even though we lost and I ran out of booze, I just can’t be sad knowing they played so well. ILU MANLY! It’s also really hard to feel anything but joy while we’re still basking in the glow of our shiny new Christmas in August pressies.

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40 

the most wonderful time of the yeaaaaar!

August 8th, 2008

Christmas in July? Pfffft. Who wants to spend a boring weekend in a Blue Mountains B&B rolling about in fake snow? No one, thats who. You know what they don’t have for Christmas in July? Hot shirtless football players.

Here at Errol we are all about Christmas in August. We celebrate Hot Man Christmas. With much fervour. Intern Brownie has helped us decorate the office with fairy lights and tinsel. He is suprisingly adept at interior design.

As usual, Intern GregBird contributed little to nothing and spent the whole time sprawled on the lounge yelling LOWER…NOW TO THE LEFT while stuffing his face with mince pies. Then I ‘accidentally’ spilt egg nogg on his leg and told the rest of the office it was jizz. Oh, how he cried.

And our new work experience boy John-John Williams has really got into the spirt by wandering about wearing nothing but a Santa hat. What can we say, he just Likes Being Naked. Who are we to object?

Anyway, last night on The Footy Show Santa delivered our presents. In the form of our favourite boys wearing not much more than a bow. Apparently we have been very very good girls this year because the hotness was staggering.

Okay, full disclosure time. We all wanted to blog about Hot Man Christmas but I was the only one who had the self control to stop humping the lounge and actually type. Because I am a nothing if not a Dedicated and Professional journalist.

Last nights segment on the new Gods of Football calendar brought two of our favourite things – hotness and lolz.

THE HOT

1) The words ‘god’ and ‘football’ cannot be spoken without mentioning Hot Bitch Cooper, and thankfully the wise calendar makers agree. I literally have no words for how these photos make me feel. So lets use maths instead.

Hot Bitch + little clothing = happy Pink V

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

2) I love it when Santa brings suprises. Imagine our excitement when we unwrapped Davey Williams! SQUEEEE! We really weren’t expecting that. We thought we were the only ones who appreciated his awesome Daveyness. Actually, we would like to take credit for starting the entire ‘David Williams is attractive’ movement. His appearance in the calendar is clearly directly related to us and no one will tell me any different.

As we always suspected, The Hot Pioneer is well….hot. Sassy was overwhelmed with a sudden urge to convert to Christianity after witnessing Dave bear a striking resemblance to Jesus. A sexy sexy Jesus. He even rocked a crucifixion pose. HALLELUJAH!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Oh and that smile?? Wow….just wow.

3) Another delightful suprise was the appearance of David Shillington. Rabs calls him a ‘big impressive thing’ and after seeing this footage we have to agree. We are all over that chest hair. It’s fucking great.

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic

I’ve seen Shillo clad in only undies with my own eyes and I have to say…it is quite the sight. TEAM SHILLO!

4) The hot hooker! Matt Ballin, our very own Errol personal trainer, is flashing his perfectly toned body for the calendar. All those extra push ups have really paid off Bal. I’ll see you for our boxing session on Tuesday.

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Wait is that…is he…wearing lipgloss?

5) Nathanael Barnes I have absolutely no idea who you are, but godamn you are a welcome addition under my Hot Man Christmas tree.

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

THE LOLZ

1) The Manly boys certainly drew the short straw in the underwear department. The cruel wardrobe mistresses decided to dress them in horrifying white boxer shorts. Baggy, voluminous WHITE boxer shorts. They look like something a grumpy nurse would dress you before you’re wheeled in for surgery.

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Look at them. They KNOW they look ridiculous. Bless.

2) The Tigers are apparently Leather Gays now. Awesome.

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic

3) And the Roosters are a 90s boy band on the set of their new video ‘Shirt Off For Love’. By the way, their second single ‘Trimmed Pubes Are For Winners’ is an absolute cracker.

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4) This one needs no explanation.

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Something tells me underweared horseplay in an alley isn’t entirely unusual for these two.

5) Shaun Kenny Dowall arrived on set late and was stuck with the shit undies. THOSE ARE FOR LADIES SHAUN. THEY ARE BIKINI BRIEFS.

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Pink? Is that you?? I loved that President song!

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic

But by far our favourite moment of last nite was our adorable ginger kitten Ranga Josh competing in the quiz. He promised he would flash us the peace sign as a visual shout out and HE DID! Amazing. He is now the official Oh Errol mascot. WE LOVE YOU RANGA JOSH!

Go register for your preview of the calendar here. And make sure you buy one. It’s for charity so we demand it. Happy Hot Man Christmas babies!

(Massive thanks to our all time favourite blog for all the amazing caps. We love you matey!)

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