Well someone from the Melbourne Storm’s just become the most popular girl in school!

But first, let’s cover the breaking news stories of the day: Firstly, the Cronulla Sharks continue to win at life. Secondly, FACEBOOK IS EVIL. Apparently the police have warned the footy community that people might steal their identitiez on the interwebs, and Penrith have even banned Facebook and Twitter. Can I just say if they want anyone to travel around with Nigel Vagana and teach the boys how to be safe on the net (BE SAFE KIDS!), they should just send us. We’ll just slap them on the hands with rulers and yell MAKE YOUR FACEBOOK PRIVATE AND DON’T ADD RANDOMS. Done and done.

Now back to the breaking up of the Melbourne Big Four.

Now it’s a given in most people’s minds that, after the whole salary cap debacle, at least one of the Melbourne Storm’s Big Four will have to leave the loving embrace of Globo Gym. It’s just maths … right?

And no, I won’t call them the ‘Fab Four’. When did we start using that phrase? It makes Cooper Cronk, Cam Smith, Billy Slater and GI sound like a reincarnation of the Fab Five on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. This is patently ridiculous, because Cam Smith can’t cut hair, and even Carson Kressley is nowhere near as fierce as Fierce Bitch Cooper Cronk.

I rest my case.

I much prefer calling them the ‘Big Four’. It makes it sound like other clubs are hunting them down for sport, like big game hunters in Africa trying to bag the big five of African animals.

What was my point? I got distracted imagining Greg Inglis with a rhinoceros horn.

Oh right, competition is heating up between the NRL clubs to sort out who gets to take Greg Inglis home. Melbourne don’t want to let him go, plus the Broncos and the Titans both want him. But bitches better watch out, because someone new has stepped into the ring.

…. me? Really? He wants me?
pic. Getty Images

Oh yes, Russell Crowe wants GI for the Souths’ backline.

“He wants him bad,” a source close to Inglis said. “I’m not sure if it will happen but Russell will do what he can to get him there.”

HOW ARE THE OTHER TEAM OWNERS MEANT TO COMPETE WITH AN OSCAR WINNER? Not only does he have blue eyes like a husky and a voice as majestic as the Snowy Mountains, he also has a country estate AND he’s friends with Snoop Dogg. And according to the Tele, Rusty is ready to ‘wine and dine’ Greg, make some conversation about books and movies, order the second most expensive wine on the menu, and order the lobster for him in a chivalrous fashion until GI gives in and signs with the Rabbitohs. And by ‘signs with the Rabbitohs’, clearly I mean ‘takes his pants off’.

GI has since denied the whole story, but …. he would, wouldn’t he? This is Russell Crowe, after all. For all we know his phone calls have caveats of silence on them, like the CIA.

And our advice to GI is to play hard to get. That way hopefully he gets more play dates with Rusty. Genius, right? That’s what we’d do, anyway. Remember Rusty’s gladiator thumb (at the game where his Rabbitohs crushed my Roosters)? That was AWESOME. Russell is pretty much our favourite human ever, which is why we always defend him vehemently against the Fire Up! boys and hope to one day be loaded enough to follow his example and own our own footy teams. If Greg plays his cards right he could live our dream of being Russell’s bestie.

And if Sam Burgess is reading – who am I kidding, he totally is – don’t worry babe! We’re sure he still cares about you, too! When he took you to that movie set last year and told you Souths needed you, and only you, he totally meant it. He really does think your accent is adorable, and that you have a great tan and a beautiful smile. He just wants the freedom to see other people as well, you know?

And on the topic of pantslessness: remember last year when the Tigers had some kind of club-wide reading group going? The one where you could totally tell that Tim Moltzen was reading Sophie Kinsella’s ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’? Good times.

Well this year, it seems like the Tigers have moved on from encouraging kids to read good, and moved onto spreading the gospel of pantslessness. Now THIS is something everyone at Errol HQ can get behind. Heh, behind. We totally support the Tigers’ efforts to end the tyranny of pants!

Nips Farah tries to start a locker-room pants off revolution ….

… and Chris Lawrence takes it to the set of the Footy Show.

We love the Tigers’ Crusade against Pants almost as much as we love the news that JAMAL HAS HIS FIRST ACTING JOB. Not only is he gonna be on the Footy Show, he’ll have a guest spot on ‘Cops’ with Gary Sweet. Congratulations, Jamal baby! Our dream of seeing Jamal remake ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’ is getting closer and closer every day.

Now why don’t you take off your pants and tell us where you think GI will end up?

Thanks to the awesome Cronkster and Smithyman for the caps!

We don’t like it either, boys.

So we hate to start the week on a downer, but you all keep asking for our thoughtz on the Melbourne Storm, so let’s get it out of the way first, shall we?

Yes, they are more cheaty than even we suspected, and it took a team of professional auditors to figure out just HOW cheaty they were. Also, yes, David Gallop’s new glasses are freaking awesome, huh? We love us some nerd glasses. We think they make him look very distinguished.

Here’s the way we see it: while it sucks for the innocent players that they have to be called cheats by rowdy New Zealand crowds, can you really blame the kiwis? Every other team in the NRL that played by the rules got screwed by the Storm. Of course the fans are angry. It’s kind of mean, but totally understandable. Also, the guy in Auckland with the “BILLY SLATER’S A COCK” sign clearly wrote it on the back of a beer carton at the game while drunk, so no judgment.

I would also like to include twitter-friend Hilius‘ brilliant summary:

I don’t see what’s wrong with “BILLY SLATER’S A COCK”. Penile banners are a proud tradition in rugby league – see the Roosters’ “WE’LL BEAT YOU WITH OUR COCKS” and the Bulldogs’ “STAGG, GO IN HARD – DON’T FLOP”. Billy should be honoured.

Lolz x 1000.

Best solution as we see it is for the Melby Storm to start putting things right. As in actually start making the Big Scary Decisions about which players have to go and which players can stay. At least then the fans would feel like they’re serious about getting under the salary cap, cause right now it seems like the Melbourne storm just don’t really care and aren’t trying. Offloading Ryan Tandy isn’t exactly a huge show of good faith, you know? Plus the longer they wait, the more players will end up on reduced contracts at the Storm, or overseas, which would suck for the NRL and for their own livelihoods.

GET CRACKIN, STORM PEEPS!

And that’s all we have to say about that.

Instead, let’s talk about the epic footy-boner that was this weekend (except for the Sharks and Manly. Soz guys). AMAZING. Phil Gould was saying on the Sunday Roast that he thinks this is probably one of the softest seasons of footy he’s seen … as in no teams are really dominating. He’s right, in that you really don’t expect the team at the top of the table to cut it as fine as the Dragons did against the Rabbitohs. But if games like we saw this weekend are the result then who cares?  I LIKE IT.

THE BITCHERY

Y’all know we think Cooper Cronk is the fiercest bitch in ruby league. Well the bitch has competition from an unlikely corner: Manu Vatuvei. Usually when he scores a try/drops a ball/does something insane his response is just to grin and flash his gold teeth and continue being the Beast. And the crowd goes wild, naturally, cause he has charisma on Wil Smith-type levels (but without the creepy possible ties to Scientology).

On Saturday night he bungled a kick receive in spectcaular fashion, grinned, ran in a try a few minutes later and GOT ALL UP IN COOPER CRONK’S BIZNESS.

The tension was palpable. The fact that no one got bitchslapped was a miracle. I thought Manu was gon’ polish up his acrylics and cut a bitch. Welcome to the Fierce Bitch club, Manu.

And is it a coincidence that as soon as Manu discovers his inner bitch, the Warriors string together a whole bunch of impressive wins? For most of the season our tipping policy has been to only tip the Warriors if they’ve lost the week before, cause God knows they’d never win two in a row. Congratulations on ruining my tips, guys.

In related news, Kevin Locke is back, and still adorable.

THE COMEBACK

For all the people who got to half time in the Penrith and Parramatta game, thought it was done and dusted, and pushed the big red Foxtel button to watch Manly instead … bad choice. Seriously, bad choice. Big, huge mistake. Jarryd-with-a-Y Hayne outran Michael Jennings for one man miracle try like Nathan Gardener against the Roosters the other week. (Except when Hayne did it, it didn’t make me want to top myself, like it did when Nathan Gardener did).

People cried! Nathan Hindmarsh was everywhere! Just Horo scored a try! Feleti Mateo DID stuff.

Parramatta are starting to make me realise what it’s like to be a teacher. You get frustrated because you know little Parra is JUST SO TALENTED, and if they would actually study, and try, they’d be awesome, but they’re too busy picking their nails with scissors and refusing to concentrate. Then all of a sudden at exam time they breeze in without even opening their textbook and manage to get an A.

If Parra make it to the finals again this year I won’t be surprised. At all. Totally the kind of thing those contrary little Eels would do, right?

THE ROOSTERS

I am so proud right now. Of my Roosters for their win on Sunday, and of myself for finally – finally – managing to win Kiki over to my team. Okay, so she’s not totally ready to adopt the Roosters as a second team yet, but I’m getting closer. She is now officially a Shaun Kenny-Dowall super fan, a lover of Todd Carney and Mitchell Aubusson, and closet lover of Martin Kennedy and Jared Warea-Hargreaves.

TOLD YOU THEY WERE LOVABLE KIKI!

She even – grudgingly – said something nice about Mitchell Pearce and Braith Anasta last week. Really! I swear! Whether you love them or hate them, my boys have heart.

I was sceptical when Braith came to the Chooks. I wasn’t sure I was down with all this ex-Bulldogs fuckery, until I saw him in 2008 get hit in the face and literally CRAWL downfield on his hands and knees to stagger to his feet and get back in the game. That’s heart. Mitchell Pearce’s defence has heart. Mitchell playing through his 8,000 career knocks to the head is definitely heart.

The Sunday game was there for the Bulldogs to take, but the Roosters wanted it more, no? If you didn’t enjoy this game, then you are clearly dead inside and I pity you.

Wanna know my two highlights of the game?

1. Pearce and Carney combining to score a try from that Jake Friend pass. Why do Todd and Mitchell look so profoundly … troublesome when they’re together? Who knows. They just have an air of about-to-do-something-mischievous. Whatever. It works. When they play well, angels get their wings. Possibly also Todd gets another tattoo.

2. Braith Anasta’s Rage. I didn’t think it was possible, but I know love Braith’s bitchery as much as I love Cooper Cronk’s. His quarrels with Gavin Badger made my heart sing. He’s the kind of captain who leads from in front. His Rage is actually now another player in the Roosters team. (Dunno if you remember, but yes, Braith Anasta’s Crotch is also a Roosters player. He’s very versatile, that Braith).

THE NOD

Lastly, there are lots of grumbles about Noddy Kimmorley not getting the recognition he deserved for playing 300 games. So in tribute to our favourite footy gnome, let’s relive the time the NRL made him sit on Sassy’s knee at the NRL Players’ Christmas Party. Click on the link, scroll to the end and enjoy.

All pics: Getty Images

Well, that was an eventful few weeks. We leave the internet for 10 days and all hell breaks loose.

What was meant to happen in the last week was this: we would head down to our nation’s capital for the Raiders vs Titans, do a little bit of work, relax a little, maybe hit up Questacon or ride bikes around Lake Burley-Griffin, and head home. Then we’d do some typey-typey for some new projects we’re working on and come back to Errol as if nothing had happened.

BUT NO.

In the interim league went fucking insane. First Billy Slater and Jarryd Hayne got involved in a Melbourne vs Parramatta headbutt spite-fest at Parramatta Stadium. This, as we all know led to the Gayest Fight in Football History.

No, we don’t mean ‘gay’ as a derogatory term. We love gays. We mean it literally. Fierce bitch Cooper Cronk was not having any of this, and ran in to protect his fullback Billy Slater. Have you seen his face? We wouldn’t want anyone headbutting it either. He’s adorable. So far, so logical.

We saw Cooper running in … then Cooper diving onto Headbutt Hayne, and then ….

ARE THEY MAKING OUT? (yes, we did actually yell that at the tv).

Apparently the internet was equally confused/amused, because a complete genius came up with this:

Oh internet, how we love you.

We also especially enjoyed when Cam Smith gave the world a lesson in sportsmanship. First he yelled at the ref “WE CAN’T WIN THE PREMIERSHIP, WHO CARES WHAT WE DO?” He then threw an Errol-worthy tantrum and quit that whole shit.

Can’t win? Don’t try.

We can’t wait till that image is used in motivational posters in offices all over Melbourne.

And, of course, the tension resulted in two of the prettiest boys in history to ever share the sin-bin: Dan Dan Mortimer and Billy Slater. Surely people that pretty don’t belong in the bin? Evidently Billy agrees, because bitch was pissed.

The dramas didn’t stop at Parra vs Storm, though. There have feelingz happening all over the NRL. At Brookie, injury is taking it’s toll on Dave Williams. The man that … well, people who aren’t us like to call ‘the Wolfman’, is not dealing well with being a sideline fixture.

We interviewed Daveypants 2 weeks ago for the NRL and he seems so, so sad. His poor little arm is still in a sling and he is the saddest panda of all pandas in history. It took all our strength not to hug him.

It’s no suprise he has turned to comfort eating. Specifically, comfort eating chips on the sideline. The saddest part of all was when he offered one to Jamie Lyon and was brutally rebuffed. WAY TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A PIG, JAMIE.

Meanwhile we were down in the Nation’s capital hustling and getting ready to watch the Raiders vs Titans. In a moment of perfect timing by the universe, we needed to interview the baby Raiders AND Titan’s coach John Cartwright. So on Sunday morning we headed off the pick up Carty and take him for a coffee and a chat. The only problem? Literally NOTHING is open in Canberra at 9.30am in Canberra.

What the hell, ACT? It was like a nuclear apocalypse took place and no one told us.

Not even WANGS massage was open, although at least it gave us a few lolz.

In the end, intrepid Carty led us into a food court, to find a tiny tiny window called the House of Vitality. Kiki ordered a diet coke, to which Carty said “a Diet Coke? …. for breakfast? Shouldn’t you at least have a normal coke for nutritional value?”

Kiki’s only answer was SHUT UP I’M HUNGOVER. She ordered the Diet Coke anyway.

What’s more glamorous than doing an interview with an NRL coach in a food court? Pretty much nothing. For reals.

Next stop was Bruce Stadium for Raiders vs Titans. For Sydney girls, going to Bruce Stadium is so … so weird. Actually, Canberra is weird to us. It’s all organised, and tidy, and convenient. All the suburbs have different names, but they’re only like two blocks apart and EVERYTHING IS SO CHEAP.

Two voddies and a beer for $12? $5 parking at the footy? $13 for a pizza and two Diet Cokes? Yes, please. It’s developing world prices without all the pesky airline travel and vaccinations.

As we drove into the Bruce Stadium carpark a friendly dude pointed out that Sassy’s bonnet was askew and maybe not closed properly. When she admitted it was just wonky from her bad driving, he came out with I HIT A KANGAROO ONCE. IT’S HEAD POPPED RIGHT OFF. I KILLED IT, BY THE WAY. Oh, Canberra. Nothing cheers us up like an animal decapitation story. Turns out it really did make Sassy feel better about her driving.

That, and a stadium with seats close enough to hear the OOF when two men tackles.

Wait, make that a decapitation, Bruce Stadium, and our new bestie in the next row down.

We asked Josh McCrone about this: “… definitely from Queanbeyan. He’s probably Campo’s neighbour”.

Then as a farewell to the ‘Berra, we met a few of the baby Raiders for interviews after recovery on Monday: Jarrod Croker, Daniel Vidot, Josh McCrone and Shaun Fensom. WE ARE IN LOVE. Four of the most hilarious, humble footy players you’ll meet (if you ignore Dan Vidot’s love for a glamorous self-portrait. He really, really loves them. Especially if they involve shirtlessness, which is fair enough. Have you seen him? He’s a total spunk).

McCrone and Crokes – actually all the boys really – are fucking hilarious. Shaun Fensom managed to burn Kiki within ten seconds of meeting her. We like his hustle. We also especially enjoyed Croker and Vidot taking the piss out of each other about their Adventures in Hair Highlights.

Apologies to the boys for springing it ON TAPE that some of them are gay icons, and to Shaun Fensom in particular for Kiki stroking his pretty hair like a massive creep. The trickiest part was convincing them to have their photos taken to go with the story – Dan Vidot only wanted pre-approved images that he’d had taken earlier included in the mag. He’s so J.Lo. We loves him

And Crokes was traumatised because his hair looked ‘shit’ (it didn’t, it looked messy and cute…bed hair!), he hadn’t shaved, and his shorts were soaking wet. “But I’ve got a beard! Can’t you come back another day and take them?”

NO. WE’RE NOT DRIVING THREE HOURS AGAIN.

But probably the highlight of our trip was telling Trevor Thurling of the huge section of his fan base who refer to him as Trevor “Sex Machine” Thurling.

According to google, this is what a Sex Machine looks like:

Trevor, is that you?

This story led to us hearing Shaun Fensom utter the words “yeah, I lived with a family when I first got here, now I live with Sex Machine”. Awesome.

Try not to die waiting, but the story will be out in the next issue of Rugby League Player mag. and in the meantime, here’s a picture of Josh McCrone being a hilarious human and posing comically in front of a palm tree. So awesome. Doesn’t he look like Prince Harry? He totally looks like Prince Harry. Till next time kittens! xx

Big thanks to our favourite media manager and one of our favourite humans, Ben Pollack, for hooking us up the whole weekend. And thankyou to the boys for being generally awesome. WE LOVE YOU RAIDERS!

Thanks to the brilliant Cronkster for the caps. LEGEND!

It’s time for an Errol public service announcement. Things have been rough since the news of the Melbourne Storm scandal broke. Last week, when Kiki’s Iranian dentist innocently asked her to explain all this complicated Melbourne Storm money-business, she only got through a sentence before literally tearing up in the chair. IT WAS EMOTIONAL, OK?

When you love footy, and have an inexplicable love for David Gallop like we do -- he’s just really comforting, you know? -- the whole incident and the aftershocks that it’s putting through the game are tres upsetting.

We already said last week that we know there is no punishment, either letting the Storm play, or forbidding them to play, that’s fair on the game and the other teams. So why the hate for the NRL? They’re just doing their best in a massive unpleasant shitstorm. At the ANZAC day Roosters vs Dragons game, Kiki caught at least three Roosters fans booing David Gallop and was so annoyed she had to step in.

And by ‘step in’, clearly we mean yelling ‘SHUT UP! WHAT’S HE EVER DONE TO YOU? DO YOU KNOW WHO’S RUN A NATIONAL CORPORATION? DAVID GALLOP. KNOW WHO HASN’T? YOU. SO PISS OFF.”

We just have a lot of feelings. And one of those feelings is now anger, that people are prolonging the whole gross cheaty mess by blaming the NRL for ruining the game. What about, um …. the people that actually cheated?

There’s footage of Brian Waldron in 2007 talking about how necessary the salaray cap is. Those aren’t the words of someone who thinks the cap is unfair and hates that it’s driving him to cheat and be generally evil, which is what some people are implying. If the Storm thought the cap was so unfair, wouldn’t they have said SOMETHING publicly in the last five years? God knows they have the media profile to do it. They could’ve told the whole nation after they won one of their two billion games.

But obviously the people pulling the scam didn’t care about the cap being unfair or changing the game, they just wanted to win. You can’t undo that kinda deception.

The Raiders like to have all their Important Salary Cap discussions in the pool. Joel Thompson wants to know why the NRL hates third parties so much. He loves parties!

We feel sorry for the fans and for anyone who had no idea what was going on, but that doesn’t mean the club as a whole didn’t cheat. Sometimes, like Wendell with the coke, you just have to take your medicine, make the best of it, and move on.

He could’ve easily said “BUT EVERYONE IN SYDNEY DOES COKE” (true), instead he took the two years off and went back to reggies. Just one of the many reasons we think he’s an awesome human.

We don’t wanna see the Storm disappear, but doesn’t it seem a bit tacky and spiteful to turn it into the Storm vs everyone else? Rugby League is like a family, which is why the cheating hurt so much. So shouldn’t it be the whole RL community against cheaters, not us vs the Storm?

Why don’t you share the love, Cooper Cronk?

You know how shit it is that the Storm have to play for nothing? It’s also pretty shit for every team who already lost points this year to a team in breach of the salary cap (at this point Kiki yells LIKE THE DRAGONS) and every team who has to lose points through the year for a team that can’t even get in the Grand Final.

CHEATING HURTS EVERYONE GUYZ! WE’RE ALL SUFFERING!

So how about we all have a big fuck-off group hug and enjoy some comedy? Mainly, at Greg Inglis’ expense.

That’s our favourite sort of comedy!

As part of their Important Investigationz, the Daily Telegraph have special exclusive spy pics and information about Greg Inglis’ GARAGE OF LIES.

Oh yes, apparently that’s Greg Inglis, pictured right, opening his garage.

You can’t beat that kind of journalistic brilliance. It’s a man opening a garage! And best of all, it’s not even a man opening a garage, OR Greg Inglis. It’s two random dudes standing next to a boat. Oh, telegraph.

Allegedly, GI was paid his salary, but also given a sweet $30,000 speedboat and …. wait for it …. a HARVEY NORMAN VOUCHER. OH, THE HUMANITY! That shit is like the Mafia, huh?

First of all, can you believe Inglis has a speedboat? After watching that infamous bloopers reel -

(in fact, we may have watched it about twenty times, cause that shit is hilarious. Make sure to check out Jarryd-with-a-Y at 1:30 for some awesome lolz) … let’s just say the thought of GI captaining a powerful motorised watercraft worth thousands of dollars strikes terror into our hearts.

Passenger: GI, isn’t that another boat to port side? Doesn’t it have right of way?

Greg: ………. what?

Is there even any open water in Victoria? Does he take it out on the Yarra? Or does he just use it for storage?

More importantly, when it comes to million-dollar fraud, we love thinking that all top-notch fraudsters bribe people with gift vouchers for whitegoods and stereo headphones.

After all, as Casey on twitter pointed out, “everyone needs a kettle to go with their speedboat”.

Now let’s have a guess how GI spent the rest of his allegedly fraudulent voucher.

Kiki is convinced he splashed out on a schmick new “Cheeky Massage Chair“. It does foot massage, kneading, rolling, shiatsu, AND tapping. He’s an athlete, he needs to keep his muscles supple!

Meanwhile we know he didn’t buy the George Foreman Steamer. Have you seen his gut?

And it hasn’t just been a trying time for Storm fans, and fans of bein’ honest n that.

Manly were also beaten at the last minute by the Titans last night … at Brookvale. I know, we were shocked too.

We would like to send our condolences to Ben Farrar’s family and friends. We’re sure Des will confess and lead police to the body at some point if they offer him a large enough sentence reduction.

So to ease the Eagles fans’ and the Farrar family’s pain, we give you:

It’s Ken-Doll Ballin! Now complete with shimmery new disco Euro-trunks. Think of it the Ken Doll for those who love foam parties in Ibiza and rubbing oil on themselves in public. Rock on, Bal.

And now, we leave you with the soothing sight of Fui Fui Moi Moi in his undies. He cares not for swimwear. Love and kisses, Kiki and Sassy.

Sometimes, at Errol HQ, we have to do unpleasant things. Well, not really. Usually we just make the interns do all the stuff we don’t enjoy, like stacking the dishwasher, fending off bill-collectors with sharp sticks and fetching us vats of Diet Coke when we are sleepy or hungover.

But today we have to talk about … the Storm. Oh man, we haven’t been this distressed/surprised/overwhelmed/confused since Britney got the crack itch and shaved off all her hair.

First things first: YES WE TOLD YOU THEY WERE EVIL. We tipped you all off aaages ago that the Storm, aka Globo Gym, were inherently untrustworthy and potentially the enemy of all that is good and lovely in this world.

But even we didn’t think things were this dramatic. $1.7 million in shifty salary cap breaches over five years. <insert Phil Gould WOW here>

We spent the afternoon huddled around watching the live press conference from the NRL – Intern John John even put on his serious hotpants (they’re pin-striped) – and we couldn’t decide whether we were more:

a) shocked by how harsh the penalty ended up being;

b) shocked at how insane the salary cap breaches were;

c) outraged that the penalty didn’t include taking the 2009 wooden spoon away from the Roosters (that was just Sassy);

d) just really really upset for David Gallop. Our fave sporting administrator looked truly devastated. We were both actually close to tears. We know DG enough to know he is an awesome bloke and he does NOT deserve this fuckery.

When Greg Inglis got in trouble with the law, we sent him comical chocolate-covered fruit flowers to cheer him up, but there aren’t enough fruit flowers in the world for this, for serious. NOT ENOUGH FRUIT FLOWERS IN THE WORLD.

Anyway. Here are some of our educated thoughtz on this.

OF COURSE IT WAS AFL

We could not be less surprised that people are suggesting Brian Waldron masterminded this. Of course he did. If there is one unarguable truth about rugby league, it’s that scandals always come out, and no one keeps any secrets. They are physically incapable of doing this. Sure, league players and managers and administrators can be shifty sometimes, but not to this extent, with this level of deceit, this successfully, and in this organised a fashion. As a rule, Rugby League is nothing but transparent, honest and a little bit … let’s just call it “un-slick”. It’s part of why we love it so much.

BUT WHAT ABOUT BILLY?

Whenever we get onto the topic of whether the players knew what is up, Sassy just stops and says two words: Jamal. Idris.

That’s right, remember when Jamal admitted that he didn’t know he had to pay tax? Our feeling is that you should never underestimate how clueless people can be. And be ‘people’ we mean ‘footy players, or Errol girls’. We do some really, really ridiculously dumb stuff sometimes.

Like John Kite taking his passport to the airport for a flight to Queensland. Or the time Sassy got out the wrong side of a cab in New York and the door got ripped off. Until we find out that the players were collecting giant sacks of cash from the locker room every Friday or something, we’re willing to think maybe not all the players knew.

We have a semi-insider’s view on what goes on in footy and we know that the game runs on gossip. But we are unsure if players openly talk about their salary with other players.

It’s entirely possible at least SOME of the Storm players knew, or had an inkling, of what was going on. But after watching the bloopers video from the making of the Indigenous All-Stars ad, can you really say you think Greg Inglis is right on top of his finances? Really?

We imagine when he rocks up to his accountant and his manager asks about his receipts he just answers “… what?”

THANKS, BIN LADEN

Why yes, we did just quote The Hangover! Thanks for noticing. Turns out this whole Melbourne shitstorm will screw everyone over. There’ll be no more masturbating on planes for anyone. As in, there’ll be no happy ending to this story (GET IT? HAPPY ENDING? It’s funny cause it means … you know).

For the record, we agree with the NRL’s plan of punishment. In fact it’s kind of delightfully diabolical the way they are forcing the club to go through the motions for the rest of the year with no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It’s very Bond villain don’t you think?

But let’s be serious for a minute.

If the Melbourne Storm loses all their premiership points earned so far for the 2010 season, but keeps going, then they effectively keep cheating because they already have a team that breaches the salary cap. Hello unfair.

If they keep going the way the NRL wants them to – with no points, and not winning any more points – then every other team has to risk injury and suspension playing a team that has no chance of winning the premiership anyway. The games are dead rubbers, crowds are lower, and everyone including the sponsors is sadpants. After all, how well can the Storm play when they’re not playing for anything? Maybe they will play on emotion for the next few weeks, but how will they be feeling come round 20?

And if the Storm don’t play at all, that’s one game less per round. Teams would miss out on match experience and momentum, and the sponsors would be super sadpants.

And whichever ones happens, Storm fans – all ten of them – get nothing. We’re pretty happy for something bad to happen to that douchebag Melbourne fan with the cowbell, cause that is fucking IRRITATING, but we do feel truly awful for the rest of the Storm kids.

As much as we have always loathed the Storm, we want the club to survive. Because if nothing else, it’s providing an alternative to the horrendousness that is AFL, and that’s bloody important.

THOUGHTS PEOPLE. TELL US EVERYTHING YOU THINK.

Intern John John anxiously awaited our return

HI DARLINGS!

I know, I know…we have been absent of late. We are shit and we know it. People keep harassing us asking for more blogs and are all WHY HAVEN’T YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THE GRAND FINAL YOU LAZY SHITS etc etc. We have no excuses except this one : being writers for a living now is both a blessing and a curse. Amazing because we get to do what we love and get paid for it, but shit because it kinda sucks out our creative juice and leaves us a bit well…dry.

And yes I am aware of how (untintentionally) gross that sentence was. 

Now let’s sum up what’s been happening in mah head lately

a) The Grand Final was bloody awful. And no, not because the Storm won. It was awful because I spent the whole day in deep emotional pain thinking THE BLOODY DRAGONS SHOULD BE HERE GODAMNIT THIS SUCKS. And by ‘thinking’, I mean ‘loudly announcing it to no one in particular then kicking the ground like a small child’.

I was in the middle of a booze ban but I had to down a couple of vodkas to cope. Once again, the Dragons are directly to blame for my alcohol intake. I hope Peter Doust has a special fund set up for my future liver transplant.

Also, I spent most of the day being enraged at the massive amounts of Parra bandwagoners that were milling about just begging to be punched in the face. Look I am all for new people coming to the game, and I truly want league to be really popular, but is there anything worse than tools sporting freshly bought merchandise and being Smuggy Mc Smuggersons? I’ll answer it for you: no, no there is not.

In an ironic twist, Billy Slater decides he hates overexposed fullbacks

On the bus there, we were sitting next to a girl who was wearing…wait for it…a backless bodysuit and a Parramatta scarf. Because her back is so hot but her neck is FREEZING! GO PARRA! She teamed this with skin tight jeans and strappy high heels. ARGH. We were forced to listen to her inane questions which consisted of ‘so, like, is there like, a toilet near the seats?’ and ‘do you think the Eels would be like, nervous today?’. I bet her favourite player of all timez is Jarryd Hayne. He’s sooooo hot.

And yes, if you’re wondering, I am completely aware that I am bitter and resent the fact the Eels found form when my boys lost theirs. But in my defence, Kate, my other-bestie-that-isn’t-Sassy, the biggest Parra fan in the entire universe, also hates the bandwagoners with a passion. When I sent her an sms to describe the Bodysuit Girl she said ‘murder her immediately, I will visit you in jail I promise’.

b) In a twist that is worthy of a Mexican telenovela, I have decided I that I now like Billy Slater. Yes, really. I know, I know…I’m freaked out too.  Next thing you know my evil twin is gonna appear wearing a maroon jersey and stilettos, drinking Bundy rum and yelling QUEENSLANDER in peoples faces.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened, but I think it started with Rexona’s Greatest Athlete. Then it snowballed when our friend Edwina started to like footy. And by that I mean she started to obsess over Hot Bitch Cooper and Billy and started forcing me to realise Billy has beautiful skin and pretty eyes and oh god…he’s kinda cute. And worst of all, likeable.  I kept telling myself the only reason I was on GettyImages searching for Billy pix was for Eddie but then at the Grand Final I involuntarily yelled GO BILLY. I hate myself so much.

Kiki retreats to 1997 fashionz to ease the off season pain

c) I have literally experienced post season depression. I’ve been massively emo. For ages I couldn’t figure out why I felt like something had stolen my heart and filled my chest with sad sad cement then I realised oh my god, it’s because there’s no footy on. I am simultaneously proud and ashamed of this.

Okay now onto things that aren’t me.

So last week we got to play with the VB Kangaroos. Seriously. Somehow we managed to annoy charm the NRL’s media manager, David Taylor, into letting us come along to their media call and conduct some video interviews. Being the legend that he is, DT asked us who we wanted to speak to and he just made it all happen. Seriously kids, we just sat on our little lounge and superstahs like Billy Slater, Robbie Farah and the Mozzie twins were just brought over to us. Footy player delivery!

Anyway, since JJ and the boys had to hold down the fort at Errol HQ, we brought along our interns for the day, Loz and Butch. They found Errol by googling naked photos of David Williams, which is really quite fitting. They are basically 17 yr old versions of Sassy and myself, which I find both terrifying and delightful. Here is their take on the day (yes these interns actually exist and they wrote this for reals!).

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Last Tuesday was National Nipples Day Out (thankyou Robbie ‘headlights’ Farah, ambassador of this campaign), otherwise known as the Kangaroo’s media call. We are best friends, we love football, the Sea Eagles, Georgie Rose, High School Musical, doing the hoedown throwdown whilst cooking and Big Del (Little Del goes down alright to). We DON’T love dirty dirty Queenslanders, with the exception of Billy Slater.

After 2nd helpings of Maccas breakfast, due to the fact we were an hour early, we met Kiki and Sassy and made our way into the Pullman htel, got settled and dolled ourselves up, ready for Robbie.

From the moment he walked around the corner, Robbie’s  infamous visible nipples were on full display for us (and didn’t we LOVE it). Bitch is also full of lolz, who knew?? When asked about his recent shirtless kebab photo, Robbie seemed….errrrr, slighty….confused, like he’s done it on many occasions……which is AWSOME, coz it means there are more out there. Here’s a preview -

Anyway, turns out Robbie is extremely proud of when he punched Anthony Watts waaaaaaay back in round 19. He was all ‘nobody thought I’d do it……..but I DID!’. Kinda like how kids are when they go to the toilet by themselves for the first time.

Next was Billy Slater. As we all circled around him (after Sassy elegantly kicked over a glass coke bottle that smashed everywhere), Kiki told him that this wasn’t gunna be a normal interview, he replied with (whilst looking slighty nervous) “I can see that”. Pretty AND observant, what’s not to love? Billy didn’t even seem bothered by Butch’s question of how he keeps his skin so radiant. His answer? GENETICS!! However, we did get the goss on who in the Melby (gag) team moisturizes. Cooper Cronk? OF COURSE he does. When one is a fierce bitch like Cooper Cronk, one must look after one’s skin, non?

Also, we are 99% sure that Watmough recognised us from the Manly fan days and shit like that were we have met him…. It may have also been that time when Butch walked past his car and he had ‘DAMN WHO’S A SEXY BITCH’ blaring (don’t even pretend that wasn’t aimed at me Watmough, you sly dog -B). Or, it could have just been in our heads. We have active imaginations, WHAT OF IT?

So while we waited for the Mozzies, we relaxed on the lounges. Apparently we’re relaxed interns (meaning we do nothing). Butch demonstrated how relaxed we were by reclining on the lounge in a slightly provocative manner. That magic moment was caught on tape by some lucky sport channel. Youtube it bitches!

Meanwhile, B.Moz cares not for being top point scorer of the Errol Wildcats, or the top try scoreer for the NRL, bitch just wanted to be captain of the Wildcats!

LOOK HOW UPSET HE IS! It seemed to us that J.Moz was kinda put off that B.Moz knew all about Errol but he didn’t. They also seemed quite please by the fact that they were nominated for the best legs in league, but slightly affronted that Uncy Wayne wasn’t nominated for Sexiest Coach.
 
In conclusion, footy we love you! We also kinda, maybe, probably, defssss love the people that play footy. Oh and Kiki and Sassy, we’ll intern for you anytime and we promise actual communication to the players next time, not just nervous giggles.

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The girls were hilarious and adorable and we will have them intern with us again any time. We love you kittens!  Sassy and I will be writing our own post on the day, including VIDEO INTERVIEWS. Real ones! I know, I can’t believe they let us that close to the players either.

Is this the longest Errol post ever? Possibly. It should shut up you whingers that have been blog-begging for the past month anyway.

PS – MASSIVE thanks to the amazing David Taylor for hooking us up on Kangamaroooooos Day. DT, you are our new favourite person!

PPS -The Errol Awards are coming I swear to God.  We decided this year to leave them until after the season ended so we could stretch out the footy goodness as long as possible.

(photos from GettyImages)

Darlings we have been so busy! Have you been reading us on She Knows the Rules and 2DayFM? I hope so. And in the meantime all of a sudden it’s Grand Final time. We are overjoyed/heartbroken. As in … what do we do when it’s over? I’m already completely baffled about what to do this Saturday night with no Super Saturday on tv. Is this when you’re meant to go out? Like … with the young people? Cause God knows I refuse to start watching soccer. THAT WOULD JUST BE MASOCHISTIC. If that’s the alternative then I’m seriously considering taking up cross-stitch or a valium addiction or something equally thrilling and productive instead.

Sup Papua! (Pic. via News Limited / the Daily Telegraph)

So in the interest of delaying the end of footy season a lil bit longer, let’s talk about the Prime Ministers XIII. Or as Kiki keeps accidentally calling them, the PM’S XI. She cares not for the wingers! 11 players only!

We were all over this business the second it was announced, because apparently we have EXACTLY THE SAME TASTE as K.Rudd. Every time he picks this team he ends up putting in some of our fave boys who we could’ve sworn no one but us had noticed. It’s … serendipity, or something. We are totally psychically connected. Call me Kevin! We can shop together!

This year he picked out Terry ‘T.Camps’ Campese, beloved by everyone at the Errol office, especially after that time he threw a ball at Dean Young’s head. He also picked the frontrunner for Oh Errol’s Neatest Man in League award 2009: Robbie Farah.

HI ROBBIE! So neat! So efficient! So focussed! He’s like some kind of … Robbiebot. A Robbiebot in a Kangaroos training shirt. A Robbiebot … with visible nipples? Evidently they’re using the latex manufacturer to make the Robbiebot as they used to make the Batman outfits back when George Clooney played Batman.

HOLY PLASTIC NIPPLES BATMAN!

And the boys were too good for the Kumuls. They took out the game 42-18, which, to be honest, I’d be pretty damn happy with. The PNG boys are kinda badass. Apparently they’re also a bit prone to a spear tackle, and I can only assume they’re glad they didn’t injure anyone cause we Errol girls can be terrifying when someone messes with one of our Errol boyz.

Luckily, Dimples Dugan came home with his dimples in tact.

Just one teeny tiny problem. Um …. so while the game was going on, they kind of … well, this is awkward. How do you say this, exactly? PNG lost some prisoners. Happens all the time right? A few wardens go on strike, 54 inmates cut a hole in the fence, and all of a sudden they get away because the police are busy guarding a footy match. Whatever. COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE. Prisoners really wanted to go to the game too, kk?

Everyone in this picture loves footy.

And after captaining the team last year, the awesome that is Nathan Hindmarsh was left out of the PM’s squad. Mainly, this is probably because he has to, you know, play a Grand Final. But something tells me he’s pretty happy to stay in Sydney and chill with his boys. Hindy be pimpinnn.

And yes, by ‘his boys’, I mean Matt Keating and Feleti Mateo. NO, NOT YOU LUKE BURT! YOU STAY OVER THERE IN THE CORNER ALONE. I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE A BOO BOO.

Plus it means Hindy gets to enjoy the rampant Parra fever that’s gripped Sydney at the moment.

THE HAYNE TRAIN WILL HAUNT MY DREAMS.
Pic. Justin Lloyd.

Don’t people love a bandwagon? If I was a little bit kinder, I might describe it the way the Herald Sun did:

Astounded by the rush of support from previously latent fans, Parramatta officials are still devising a plan to accommodate an expected throng of 20,000 partygoers should they complete a fairytale premiership.

CEO Paul Osborne is hoping to present the team to the faithful at Parramatta Stadium, which has seating for 22,000 and is capable of hosting thousands more on-field.

PREVIOUSLY LATENT FANS. What a great phrase for all those incredibly annoying people on facebook who haven’t uttered a WORD about footy all year now littering my feed with 85 updates on how they are sooooo happy Parra are in the finals. I’m glad you’re supporting league and all but YOUR STATUS UPDATES ARE ANNOYING. STOP IT IMMEDIATELY.

Pic. Gary Graham

Obviously this doesn’t apply if you are this guy, from the Daily Telegraph website, who has turned his Holden Commodore into a Parra Eels tribute. That is fucking amazing and he can do whatever he likes, even if that involves multiple annoying status updates.

Meanwhile down in Melbourne – as far as I can tell – the Storm threw an open training session so that Melbourne fans from far and wide could come and meet Billy Slater. That’s all that happened, right?

He’s like …. the people’s princess. He’s totally the Princess Di of footy. They love him! Even I have a weird fondness for Billy Slater and we all know that I hate everyone. What can I say? He won me over a) with his lovely skin and b) when everyone hated him for that brief period back in 2008. I am contrary like that.

Father Bob baptises Billy with holy water in a Gatorade bottle. Even God loves Billy Slater!

I can’t wait till Billy starts opening hospital cancer wards and arriving at Gala events in show-stopping one shouldered blue gowns.

Then, of course, there’s the other reason Hindy needed to stay in town: Grand Final breakfast. Also known as A Great Day for Sassy. I’ve already discussed how much I love seeing a footy player in a suit. I’ve said it before but it’s mesmerising. There’s something delightful about seeing someone look so uncomfortable … you know?

Exhibit A: buttons don’t usually go there, right?

Pic. Phil Hillyard

And this year Hindy made the whole thing even more enjoyable with the Nathan Hindmarsh comedy hour. (He’s available for birthdays/functions/corporate retreats if you’re wondering. Deposit non-refundable).

Pic. Phil Hillyard

According to Hindy:

“I think Haynesy wrote in Cosmopolitan magazine that his body is a blessing,” said Hindmarsh at the NRL grand final breakfast on Thursday.

“That is enough motivation for me to try harder on the field.”

And doesn’t Ben Smith love it? He’s an easy laugh, like us. Heart.

Meanwhile Dan Dan Mortimer was apparently writing during the brekkie, and now thanks to Friday’s Daily Telegraph, we know that it is. (Hint: it’s not, as I suspected, a note reading DO YOU WANT TO SKIP DOUBLE P.E. THIS AFTERNOON? with two little ticky-boxes marked ‘yes’ and ’no … cause I’M A LOSER’. 

But the Eels of 2009 looked as though they were headed for a Sunday afternoon barbecue as players joked and giggled their way through yesterday’s Grand Final Breakfast at Darling Harbour’s Convention Centre.

Nathan Hindmarsh pulled faces at the 650-strong audience and laughed about his loose shorts, Jarryd Hayne made gags about Hindmarsh, Fuifui Moimoi smiled as he hid from Fox Sports’ cameras, while Daniel Mortimer wrote a note, which Hindmarsh stole and gave to coach Daniel Anderson.

“Yes, you can have some water, Daniel,” Anderson said.

Don’t you love it? I love it.

In fact, the only person I can think of who loves GF breakfast more than I do is Fui Fui Moi Moi. Just look at him, so full of love!

Pic. Phil Hillyard

Apparently also not really able to tie a tie, but conveniently there’s no tie in a footy uniform, is there? Also BET FELETI TOTALLY LOVES DOING IT. Makes him feel needed.

Pic. Phil Hillyard

Which brings us to tips. You already know who we want to win (or you should know if you’ve been reading She Knows the Rules).

But we mean actual tips. Shit we’d put money on.

Kiki says the Storm. She says they’ve got too much finals experience, they’re soming off the motivation of a stinging lost in last year’s GF, and also, they are pure evil. Her reasoning is that you don’t get a happy ending two years in a row.

I say Parra. And I say this with full disclosure that I’m tipping with my heart, not my head. Parra are – like us – delightfully inconsistent. But like us, sometimes the battlers come out on top. I think that Parramatta are motivated and feeling blessed enough by the Gods and the NRL judiciary to go into the game with enough confidence to throw the ball around and really freak Melbourne out. And with a style of attack that’s only a few weeks old, I think Melbourne might crack.

Lozzy refuses to put in a tip and explanation because she just started a swishy new job yesterday and is “so compeltely fucking exhausted” from being nice to strangers/trying to find the bathroom/getting public transport/dealing with IT that she cannot even talk.

In the meantime, email me with enquiries for the Nathan Hindmarsh comedy hour. I take a 10% commission. Hindy’s totally cool with it.

You knew we were gonna say it … didn’t you?  After our lengthy discussion last week about whether Queenslanders have trotters instead of feet (they totally do) we finally have proof. Proof in the form of Queenslander Ben Hannant and his positive test for Swine Flu.

WE KNEW IT. WE LOVE BEING RIGHT.

So in the interests of protecting the non-porcine members of the NRL, all the Queensland Origin boys are being quarantined from their regular teammates. No more eating at the same trough, sleeping in the same barn and rolling in the same mud. Instead it’s all face-masks and Tamiflu for the maroons this week.

The NSWRL consider redesigning the Blues’ State of Origin uniforms.

And I would like to take this opportunity to say: You bastards! Usually it’s my favourite thing of all when embarassing things happen to Queenslanders .. but today I found out the adorable Bert from Country Rugby League has been quarantined. THOSE FILTHY QUEENSLANDERS INFECTED NSW TOO! Is this some kind of Queensland sabotage scheme to help them win a fourth Origin series? We always knew all bad things came out of Queensland.

Meanwhile we are bloggers (ie we have no lives) so if Bert gets lonely he should just call us and we’ll come over with movies and braid his hair and entertain him. We can wear SARS masks in our NRL team colours and everything. We love you, Bert!

Bert works remotely from his Swine Flu bubble.

I’ll admit though, I am starting to feel a little bit sorry for Ben Hannant. First he gets publically outed with the runs, now he’s the NRL’s first Swine Flu casualty. Either there’s someone out there with a Ben Hannant voodoo doll and a really black sense of humour, or he played some really embarassing practical jokes on the other kids in primary school and has some violent humiliation karma stored up in the universe.

Ben Hannant gets increasingly lonely and desperate for friends in quarantine.

If I wasn’t scared of a) getting Swine Flu, and b) getting poked in the eye by one of his trotters, I would totally offer to give him a hug.

This story would also be a whole lot funnier if I wasn’t writing this …. from Queensland. We came up for a little long weekend Errol conference on the Gold Coast, and to see the Titans play the Dragons on Monday night, now we find ourselves in the middle of a fucking rugby league Swine Flu drama. Nothing worse than trying to deal with Swine Flu on a hangover. Right, Robbie Farah?

Lucky for all of us Israel Folau and Sam Thaiday have been holding jumpers over their faces while they walk around being filmed by the press. That’ll save us! Nothing stops disease like a knitted acrylic!

At least the Broncos tried. Apparently no one at the Dragons remembered to tell Darius ‘Astro’ Boyd that he is a Swine Flu pariah and wasn’t meant to be wandering around in the locker room at Skilled Stadium before the Dragons played the Titans.

And yes, that is Astro Boyd loitering in front of a bottle recycling bin, even though he is quite clearly not holding anything even close to a bottle. It’s possible this is because he is poorly informed about recycling, and just doesn’t understand what yellow lids mean. But I am 99% sure it was because he was ronery and just really wanted someone to talk to since the rest of the Dragons keep ignoring him cause he never passes the ball. I guess that’s a good thing, cause it means they probably won’t be infected. Kiki says thanks for being a ball-hog, Darius. V. considerate of you.

Turns out that one good thing about sucking as much as my Roosters do this season is that when you have no players selected for Origin, you get to stay safe from disease. We is healthy, healthy losers. I’m sorry, what did you say? Did you say I am clutching desperately at straws to distract myself from the fact that my team is now at the bottom of the ladder?

Pic. Anthony Johnson / smh.com.au

Well spotted, cause I was. On Sunday night when I was getting my face on for a night on the town in Surfers, Lozzy and Kiki kindly got me out of the shower and into the hall just so they could tell me that the Sharks had won a game … and my team was officially coming last. I literally lay down in the hall in my towel motionless for a good five minutes. Being better than the Sharks was all I had!

To make up for their two wins in a row, though, the Sharks Club mustered up another scandal involving Tony Zappia and his resignation. Well done, Sharkies. David Gallop says the NRL are gonna leave them to their own devices and won’t have an intervention. I say that’s a wasted opportunity.

Have you ever seen Intervention? That show is AMAZING. It’s the most addictive television I’ve ever seen. You know it’s wrong but you just can’t help watching. One time I even cried. If I was in charge I’d totally be holding a Sharks intervention. They could hold it in the Shire and televise it to raise enough money to pay off the Sharks’ ridiculous debt. People love watching other people who have worse problems than they do. It would be a ratings blockbuster. Sigh.

Meanwhile since Brett Finch left the Eels to go to the Storm, it seems like it’s partytime all around. The Eels now have Daniel (Son of Pete) Mortimer and Jeff Robson in the halves and flattened the Knights at home. Turns out Dan Dan Mortimer doesn’t just have the prettiest eyes in league, he also has a fucking nifty kicking game.

And my favourite double-double-named NRL player Fui Fui Moi Moi has taken over from Steve Matai as Ray Warren’s fave hairstyle in the NRL. Rabs never talks about his man Matai’s cornrows anymore … it’s all Fui Fui and his braids. He thinks, and I quote: “It’s a celebration!” And according to the Queensland Channel 9 sports reporter, his ‘hair tips’ match his jersey. HAIR TIPS? Like … a big book of hair tips? God Queenslanders are so weird.

Pic. Darren Pateman

I think it makes him look youthful … no?

And down in Melbourne Finch is working it Johnathan Thurston style:

…. it’s Brett Finch, BITCH.

No wonder he’s so happy. He’s obviously in the honeymoon stages of a Cooper Cronk bromance. Peeing together in the street, and rocking out shirtless in the locker room together. The Melby dressing room is starting to look like Arq (aka shirtless heaven) … so I totally get it. I have had some damn good nights out at Arq in my time.

In my mind they’re dancing to Kelly Rowland and the Cher megamix.

*discos out of the post*

Thanks as always to BS for the fabulous screen caps. Love you!

News time! Let’s talk all the footy bizness that has happened this week. And by ‘bizness’ I mean people that are hot, and things that make me laugh.

Thomas J is that you?

Ok, that’s a lie. This first thing made me sad, sad, sad. Mitchell Pearce had an allergic reaction to his local anaesthetic. ALLERGIC REACTION. But despite his crazy swollen Craig Gower face, Mitchy still played on Saturday in the ANZAC day game against the Dragons. Way to twist mah heart, Mitchell.

Not to mention that he was catching kicks from the opposition with his lightning-fast reflexes … even though he couldn’t see properly. Maybe it was like when people are born blind and their other senses heighten as a result? Mitchell has six senses! Or something.

I want him to know though, I’m not being cruel here. I don’t wanna mock Mitchell. Cause I’m a Roosters fan … and a massive nerd. Like as a kid I was allergic to dairy, so if I went to school camp and mum didn’t send me with a carton of soy milk, I couldn’t have cereal. True story.

Or the time I stepped out of the car in the country, barefoot, onto a bee and had an allergic reaction.

Those are some SCARY motherfuckers.

Not to mention the time that Kiki had an allergic reaction to a horse / a face mask / an injection and had a swollen face / hives / a lip that touched her nose. WE FEEL YOUR PAIN MITCHELL. We really do. We are your sisters in allergic arms. Perhaps we could all move into hypoallergenic bubbles.

Onto the Tigers. The boys out west have obviously been paying attention to the league bad press and decided to encourage their boys to be industrious little readers. Because everyone knows people who read are good and productive citizens. Can’t punch someone with a book in your hand! Yes, you can probably hit them with the book, but how often do you hear about scandalous book attacks? Not often. Can’t argue with statistics.

They even organised what looks like some kind of Tigers bookclub where the boys can discuss their books of choice, character, theme and metaphor. Footy training isn’t just about being buff, kittens!

In my mind it goes something like:

Tim Sheens: OK, from now on we’re alternating Cindy Crawford’s “Aerobicise” and “Buns of Steel”, and reading one non-school book a week. My first book is “Fit or Fat”.

Robbie Farah: Mine is “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”.

But what are the boys actually reading this week? Let’s start with Timmy Moltzen. What have you been reading this week, Timothy? Pretty sure that’s Sophie Kinsella’s Confessions of a Shopaholic.

Apparently Tim was so inspired by Isla Fisher in the movie that he dashed out to Borders to grab the book. No need to be ashamed, darlin. Everyone loves a good chick lit novel. And no judgment from me, Timmy, cause I totally like those cheesy airport thrillers that have ‘ADJECTIVE NOUN’ names, like Fatal Danger or Deadly Bones or Red Tide. That’s way worse.

Tatiana Gregorieva trains with the Brisbane Broncos

Maybe now the Tiges boys are taking care of their bodies and minds, next Tim Sheens can introduce them to the challenging world of bare midriffs. Peter Wallace can give them some tips. Nice sports bra, Pete.

Will cure hangovers, will not win elections.

This week I also love that I was right about Chinesegate over at the Parramatta leagues club. I LOVE BEING RIGHT ABOUT STUFF. I knew that shit wouldn’t work! I am pretty much a political genius. Like Rahm Emmanuel. Just as badass, but I never got half of one of my fingers chopped off in an Arby’s meat slicer … yet.

And while we’re talking love-ins, no one is more loved up than big Dell. Wendell didn’t even play in the ANZAC Day match but no one can stop talking about him. Bitches lovvvve Big dell.

Brent Tate wants him in the Aussie team for the test match against the kiwis next week. OMG ME TOO BRENT TATE! I would put dell in every team if I could. Not to mention that this is honestly the first time I have read about Tate *cough*dirtyqueenslander*cough* without feeling a surge of bile and/or distaste, which I reckon is pretty much proof that Dell can spread love anywhere. He’s like Jesus. Jesus if he wore a pimpin’ white tracksuit and a sideways cap.

Darren Lockyer was asked if he would ever consider moving to the Dragons and said:

“I’d have to listen to my mate Wendell Sailor all day and I don’t know if I could deal with that again.”

… which is totally the rugby league equivalent of pulling a girl’s hair in the playground. LOVAHS! LOVAAAAAAAHS! I wonder if Daz will give Dell a special box of hair ribbons for Christmas like my crush gave me in year one? (Hi Thomas, btw. Hope you got that orthodontic situation sorted out).

It’s possible that Dell also cured Anthony Quinn after his awful awful exit from the field on Saturday. Not Quinny! One of the only Storm players we like! We thought we were scarred by seeing poor Cameron Ciraldo injure his leg during a game, but it was truly upsetting seeing poor Quinny’s pink legs trembling on the grass. We’re super super glad that he’s recovered from what looked like a seizure to be up and at em and … chillin with his puppy, Honey.

… is Honey lying on one of her relos?
Pic. Michael Klein via news.com.au

Our Melby Errol spies also tell us that as Quinny was wheeled away in the ambulance he tried to leap to his feet, bust out of the ambulance and get back on the field to play. He also asked ‘what’s for dinner?’. Oh, Quinny. Apparently seizures really build up an appetite.

Meanwhile head of my shitlist is whoever decided Luke O’Donnell deserves a week out for punching. Did they not see it? Dammmn that was hot. And clearly the world thinks so, or Fight Club wouldn’t have been an international success. It’s like they don’t even THINK about the Hottie McHotHots when they make these kinds of decisions. BAH.

Now let’s conclude the news, as is traditional, by looking at cute pictures of pandas:

Massive thanks, as always, to our fave blog for the screencaps. Kisses for you, BS.

So apparently this week, rugby league is brought to you by The West Wing.  Shit is getting political out Parramatta way. The Parra club board elections are coming up and the 3P rebel squad are running for election.  Except apparently CEO Denis Fitzgerald has been busy sitting in his office chair and stroking his fluffy cat and devising an evil and ingenious way to ensure that doesn’t happen.  ELECTORAL FRAUUUUUD.

If you’re wondering, the Board is supposed to be securing victory by mailing out $30 vouchers for the Parra Leagues Chinese restaurant to any member who sounds vaguely Asian, valid for the night of the election, to try and lure them into the club and get them to vote. Who knew that Chinese people were such fans of Denis Fitzgerald? Not I.

May not be actual Parramatta CEO

First of all, what kind of hack is the person who came up with this? *cough Denis*cough* Couldn’t they at least have come up with something original?  At least two Fijian coups, one US impeachment and the Bolshevik revolution were made possible by the mass distribution of Chicken Chow Mein. Plus this is quite clearly identical to the plot George W. Bush ran in Florida to shonkily defeat Al Gore in 2000. You know it’s true.

Anyway, if I was a 3P supporter, instead of getting riled up, I’d just rest easy. Sif the plan is going to work. When have you ever seen an Chinese person eating Chinese food at a leagues club? I’ve been to many a leagues club in my time, and never have I ever seen an Asian person of any kind putting down their laminated menu and ordering the Sweet and Sour Pork.  Those places are straight up for whities.

I kinda love them though, so if anyone who doesn’t enjoy Leagues Club Sang Choi Bow got one of those babies in the mail, or there are any lurking around Parra, feel free to send it on to Errol HQ. The boys love an outing. Plus better they come to us than end up with the players. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. STOP GIVING JARRYD HAYNE FOOD VOUCHERS.

Meanwhile know what we’re gonna talk about next? Not the Roosters.  Come on down … Tigers!  I kind of enjoy seeing the Storm get beaten. I like to pretend that it’s really Queensland, and they’re being beaten by the Blues. Siiiiigh. The crowd at Leichhardt was going crazy, and at the very last moment ‘the colt from Campbelltown’ Chris Lawrence ran in a truly surprising try.

Benji Marshall does what we all want to.
Pic. Steve Christo

You see Billy Slater is apparently the world’s fastest man, strongest man, best man at driving hatchbacks, best fry cook and possibly Jesus. TV told me so. And I accepted this because I adore TV and don’t believe it would ever lie to me, but apparently … TV WAS WRONG. There is something faster than Billy the Kid and that something is Chris Lawrence.

Chris adopts the downward dog pose to express his joy
Pic. Steve Christo

Even Robbie Farah lifted after his struggles of an effort in Round 5 and gave us an amazing score for our fantasy team.

Do I get to stay in the Wildcats now?

I hope the boys keep up their winning streak too. If nothing else so that Tim Sheens can keep his coaching job.

Meanwhile, Tigers coach Tim Sheens said while his team had suffered two disappointing losses after a reasonable start to the season it was “not at wrist-cutting situation or anything like that”.

Is that a technical footy term, Tim? This is a man who does not have a future in counselling and psychology.

I do have future careers picked out for a few of the boys thought. Craig Fitzgibbon is already Frank-Paul Nuuausala’s recipe-advisor and organic food guru … if he can get Frank-Paul slimmed down, I will be all over the Fitzy’s Cooking range of books and dvds.  Just like Paula Deen! But bald!

I also can’t wait till Steve Price quits footy and hits the road as a deadpan, self-deprecating, Stephen wright-esque comedian:

When captain Steve Price pointed to the posts for Kemp’s penalty, he thought they had done enough. “Then we went in a huddle [for full-time], and I realised it was 16-16,” he said. “Maybe not enough oxygen getting to the brain. It’s funny … but it’s not really funny.”

Oh, Steve.

Meanwhile the other day we announced on Twitter that Michael Gordon is totally in the running for a nomination as Hottest Bitch in League, 2009. And like, actually in the running, not just alive and breathing, which seems to be the only requirement for being in the NSW State of Origin squad.

… we think that counts as a seconding of that nomination. Thanks Joshie Morris.

Screencap from the lovely Art1e.