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men we do not love: michael phelps

August 13th, 2008

Okay so this is officially my first non footy post. It takes Big Emotionz to shake me out of my footy haze. And that emotion is hate. I am in the grip of a hatin feveeer. As I’m sure regular Errol readers have realised, Sassy has many nemeses and enjoys shooting them down with her e-words of poison. I hate just as many people/things as Sassy, but I am far too lazy to write about them. Usually.

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You see, I really love the Olympics. I am all over that shit. I was lucky enough to attend the Opening Ceremony for Sydney in 2000 and …..hold on kids, Kiki is gonna say something with actual sincerity: it was honestly one of the greatest moments of my life. Yes, really. Also one of the most emotional. As soon as those horses galloped out with the Australian flags I burst into tears and didn’t stop for the next 2 hours. Damn tears almost ruined my carefully applied boxing kangaroo face tattoos. Lucky I still had my glittery Aussie flag halter top from Supre to tide me over.

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I’m sure it looked pretty on TV, but actually being there was just absolutely breathtaking. I have never seen or felt beauty like that, and I doubt I ever will again. Oooh Kiki has feelings. Who knew?

I am a tragic patriot and nothing makes me happier than seeing our Aussie babies do well. But I also just love watching athletes achieve their dreams. Dreaaaams….herrooooessss….teaaaaars! I am a disgusting sap, but I just can’t help it. Tonight I cried when the Chinese men won their synchronised diving gold medal. I also just really enjoyed yelling GO WANG GO at the TV. Heheh, his name means penis.

I say this because I want you all to know I am not completely adverse to foreigners winning medals over Australians. I ain’t no jingoist bitches!

Now, for the hate. Oh, Michael Phelps. Where do I begin? If there was ever a person that completely encapsulates the word douchebag – it’s him. He is thisclose to ruining my Olympics experience. Every time his head pops up on my television my skin literally crawls. The vein on my forehead pulsates with anger. My hands form fists and my nails dig into my palms. Oh god oh god oh GOD. I HATE HIM SO MUCH.

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic
I like to order my thoughts, so lets further explore my hatred in point form. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you :

Reasons I Want To Slap Michael Phelps On The Face


1) The fact he walks out with an iPod shoved in his ears. Every other swimmer in the entire world seems to be able to make it from dressing room to diving block without music, but not Michael Phelps! He even listens to it while his competitors are being announced. Such humility, such respect. And you just know he is listening to Fiddy and thinking he is gangstaaaa. Coz he be AMERICAAAAN yo!

2) The way he celebrates. Yeh, he is an amazing swimmer. No one can take that away from him. But you know what? Being a champion doesn’t mean you have to carry on like an absolute tool.

 

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I don’t even know what to say. It’s just….gross. The whole spectacle is just repugnant. If I was American I would be utterly mortified by him. This sort of behaviour is why the world hates America. Oh you thought it was the invasions and stuff? Nope. It’s the douchebaggery of their athletes.

Phelps, for future reference…. this is what a gracious winner looks like.

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Try it sometime.

3)
He says things like this - ‘”I’ve been given so many numbers in the past month. Girls will walk up to me and be like…call me!”.

4)
His mere presence has the disturbing affect of turning our beloved Ryan Lochte into a bit of a fuckwit. DOUCHE GERMS. RUN RYAN RUNNNN!
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5) And finally, the way Tumblr is spazzing out over him. Granted, at least it’s a change from the constant ‘ ZOMG Obama is the messiah!1!1!1′ hyperbole…but seriously, if one more person tumbl-wanks over him I am going to cut a bitch. The Phelps e-jizz is deadset splattered all over my dashboard and I am Not Happy.Someone today posted that he won gold despite water filling his goggles and ‘blinding him’. And he is totes a hero and omg lets suck his dick now. Bitch please, you don’t need to see to swim. I’ve swum my whole life without ever opening my eyes. And by ‘swum’ I mean floating around on a lilo sipping a cocktail, occasionally dipping underwater when my head gets too hot. But my point still stands.

You now what you do need to swim though? The ability to breathe. And if you want REAL swimming heroics, look no further than Our Grant Hackett. Who won a 15oo metre gold medal in 2004 with a collapsed lung.

 

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AH-HAH! Take that Phelps!

*shadow boxes*