SUP BITCHES! You’ve all been begging and begging and begggggging for us to make a return to blogging and we couldn’t ignore you for any longer. Nothing makes our footy loving hearts beat any faster than State of Origin, so we’re making our come back in time for Game 2.
After Game 1, we were so pumped we thought we were gonna explode. Could this finally be it? Could the abject horror of the last 7 years be coming to a close ? Perhaps the disgustingly evil force that is Queensland be faltering? Needless to say we were counting down the days to Game 2, confident we finally had the team that could do the job and crush Maroon hearts the way they deserve to be crushed.
Then bit by bit, that dream crumbled. First James Tamou forgot that taxis exist and decided to drive a car drunker than us at the Judgy at 5am. YOU IDIOT. Then Jarryd Hayne busted his leg. DAMNIT. Then, in the biggest dick move in the history of the world, Josh Dugan and Blake Ferguson decided to put themselves ahead of an entire state of people and get drunk and land their asses in trouble. WE WILL KILL YOU. YOU DEREKS.
Sure Duges escaped the incident with his career in tact, but only just. We are the first people to stand up for footy players and believe they should be able to have a normal life, some beers and and good night out. But when you’re Josh Dugan and Blake Ferugson and you’ve been in career endangering trouble over and over again, you do not celebrate your redemption by going out and getting on the piss while in camp. NO. JUST NO.
We’re ropable. Deadset ropable. It’s screwed up on two levels. Firstly, it’s a fucking honour to play for NSW. It’s not a right, it’s a privelige. To pull on that sky blue jersey, to run into battle to fight next to your brothers, to honour those Blues that have come before you, to represent 7 million New South Welshpeople who’ve put their faith in you….that MEANS something.
Secondly, there’s hundreds of players that would literally kill to play for their state. To represent us with honour and pride and commitment. Maybe not literally hundreds, but we’re pretty sure Nathan Peats would actually choke a bitch to play for NSW. And that’s why we love him.
Fergo and Duges fuckery is an insult to those hopefuls, it’s an insult to Laurie Daley and those who trusted them, it’s an insult to the players of the past and most importantly an insult to every NSW fan that continues to blindly believe in the Blues despite the 7 years of pure torture. So yeah, we are MAD.
But now it’s time to refocus. The time has come to concentrate on what Origin is all about : ferociously hating Queensland.
Because we’re idiots, we like lists. So here we go : REASONS TO HATE QUEENSLAND PART 1 (there’s so many we can’t fit them into one post)
1) Pauline Hanson - only in Queensland would this thin lipped racist ranga be able to emerge and be elected. Nothing is more Queensland than being a raging xenophobe but now even knowing what the word means. She also went to jail for electoral fraud. So not only is she a moronic racist, she’s also a criminal. One of ya best Queensland!
2) Bundaberg Rum - what the hell guys? We respect your right to have a state drink, but for the love of all that is good and holy, why can’t you pick one that tastes less like sugary vomit? Gross.
3) The colour maroon – we’ve said it before, but maroon is just red that got some shit in it. Of all the colours in the spectrum, those idiots north of the border CHOSE MAROON. That’s all we need to know about them.
4) Joh Bjelke Peterson – some of you may be too young to remember, but Joh was was the Premier of the great northern wasteland for 20 years from the 60s to the 80s. Much like Ben Teo, he was born in New Zealand.Perhaps this is where their bullshit selection policies began?
During that time, Joh enjoyed crushing Indigenous land rights, running an institutionally corrupt government and helping to bring down the greatest thing that’s ever happened to this country : Gough Whitlam. His holiness Gough is a beacon of liberalism, fairness and equal rights and Joh actively tried to crush him. OF COURSE HE DID. BLOODY QUEENSLAND.
In a decidedly Queensland twist, his wife Flo founded the Flo Bjelke Peterson School of Physical Culture. For those that are unfamilar with physie, it’s an unholy union of gymnastics and dancing. That is, it contains no actual gymnastics or dancing. It’s basically girls in leotards walking in a square. To be frank : it’s dancing for uncos.
Kiki was shoved in dance class from the age of 3 and remembers actively making fun of the physie kids that inexplicably managed to rent a room in her dance school. Point and laugh everyone, physie IS Queensland.
5) Mal Meninga’s conspiracy theories - Because they really are getting out of control.
THERE. Now we’ve got that out of our system. We hate that our blind hatred for Queensland has made us rant at our own sky blue players.
The truth is that Josh Dugan hasn’t done anything even remotely criminal on his night out in the Shire last week (that we know of) and as soon as he runs out at Suncorp we will be 100% TEAM DUGAN DON’T YOU TOUCH HIM SAM THAIDAY HE’S OURS YOU MONSTER.
Also, if we’re being truthful, sitting in a dinghy, on land, by the side of the road with your mate with some drinks and a fishing rod while pretending to fish sounds totally fun. Can we come next time Duges?
MEET YA THERE BRO.