We didn’t want to do this. Again. But apparently there are only so many times you can post sad pictures of Brett Morris instead of blogs and get away with it. The people, they complain! So instead of weeping in our dressing gowns (not kidding, Kiki and I talked on the phone at half time during the game last night and BOTH of us had to wipe away at least one tear of despair and frustration) …. we’re going to talk about it. Ugh. Wish we could just pretend it never happened, like a bad exam mark or an awkward sexual experience.

Thaiday’s chubby AND sexy (Getty Images)

THE OPPOSITION

Yes, yes, NSW folk love picking, re-picking, shuffling, then re-picking our Origin line up. But straight up, it’s a diversion activity. Queensland are good. In fact, they’re amazing. Moving Jamie Lyon from right to left centre or Eric Grothe Jr magically coming back into form for the right wing position isn’t gonna change that.

Cause Queensland is in the middle of some crazy astrological shit right now. Not only do they have Australian rep standard halves, forwards, centres, fullbacks and hookers, but they’ve had them for years. Sometimes God smiles upon a team and keeps their players in form long enough to become an Origin fighting machine.  (At the other end of the spectrum, sometimes God decides NO MORE REP FOOTY FOR YOU and you never get that chance. For example, Anthony Minichiello).

If we’re using Wayne Bennett terminology, Queensland are both a team of stars and a star team.

Sorry, had to stop typing then to vom in my mouth. Hateful though they are, the Maroons were amazing last night, as they are usually amazing. FREAKS.

The Blues, Hindy haz them (Getty Images)

THE BLUES

This part is really hard to write. We love our boys, but last night we were embarassed to be Blues fans, for the first time in our footy lives. It was awful. And not cause we didn’t support the team that was chosen (although maybe we would’ve tweaked some stuff/a lot of stuff/the front row).

More like because watching players play at 50% of their ability on the biggest stage in footy is HEARTBREAKING. Don’t pretend you didn’t see it too. These aren’t shit players, but they played like they were. Our team was broken. It made us want to cry. And we won’t blame the backs’ performance on the lack of a forward platform because it’s just not that simple. Gallen was solid. O’Donnell was fucking rageful. Weyman was …. there. But as a whole played like their hearts were broken too, and racism scandal or not, that’s painful to watch.

At least three of the Queensland tries were scored through gaping holes in the outside defence. GAPING, I TELLS YA. Never thought I’d see the day when Brett Morris jammed in on the wing and let players through for try. Not B.Moz! He doesn’t pull that shit in first grade, so what’s doing with Origin? Something is seriously wrong in the sky blue sheds.

If you rewatch the game, and see the moment when Willie Tonga runs through to pick up a loose ball and score in the second half, then you are watching the exact moment when my heart split into 85 separate pieces.

WILLIE TONGA. He had three Blues between him and the ball, and not one of them ran for it. Not one. It was like watching the Titans play the Roosters the other week … if you were a Titans fan. Enough said.

THE PROBLEM

Honestly, changing the team wholesale won’t stop the rot. For one thing, the team not having a chance to gel or build any confidence is half the problem. I am totally behind giving a few young forwards and back a taste of Origin in game three – what up Snowden! Soward! Dugan! J.Moz! – cause they have to get used to it at some point, and it’s better it’s not a vital game.

But how’s this for a revolutionary idea: A Proper Origin Coach. Not a club coach. An origin coach. How much do we have to pay to get you back, Gus? You can even have a Neil Henry-esque offsider if you like to look after the fiddly stuff! We’ll check if John Cartwright’s free. Get onto that, Intern John-John.

Even better: what about a game plan? No, not that. Bombing to Israel Folau’s wing doesn’t count as an attacking strategy any more than the wingers and centres rushing up and in counts as a defensive one. Our boys were lost and they deserve better, no?

THE HIGHLIGHTS

There’s only one, and it’s courtesy of our very own Incredible Hulk, Luke O’Donnell. According to the Herald, this is “an ugly brawl.” Whatever. No, we don’t endorse dangerous tackles, but we do endorse his passion/rage/brief moment of insanity. Leave an Origin comment and enjoy.

I could easily write another post about the NSW Blues players bein’ awesome n shit. Because they are. I love them like my own little sky blue children.

And, if we’re being completely honest, the NSW equivalent of the kid who stays in his room all the time playing weird music I don’t understand has always been Kurt Gidley. We didn’t … get each other straight away. But today he spoke to the Herald about getting smashed in game 3 last year and it’s straight-up as though he brought me a bunch of flowers and breakfast in bed.

The Maroons put up a bomb from a penalty and Gidley, realising he was about to be set upon by four hard-charging defenders, stood his ground, caught the ball and ran headlong into the Queenslanders.

”I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t going to back down from it, that’s for sure. What’s the worst that can happen to me under that – you know, get knocked out? That’s probably the worst thing, or get an injury, but I was never going to back down.”

THAT’S MY BOY! That’s Origin.

So let’s share, kittens. Favourite Origin moments?

I’ll start with Brett White proving he’s no marshmallow in game three 2009. That shit got PRIMAL.

And in the words of the late great Jack Gibson:

“State of Origin matches are proof that the meek don’t inherit anything”.

What up kittens? Time for your daily roundup of all the important bizness happening in the two Origin camps.

In completely unsurprising news, the Herald got Craig Bellamy to admit that he can’t promise there won’t be any fighting on the field in game one. Wait does that even make sense? Ok, so, yes, you’re telling me there might be fighting. And … what else? Is the sky blue? Is Hot Bitch Cooper sexy? TELL ME HERALD WRITERS, I MUST KNOW.

Maybe they’ve been learning from Mal ‘Cap’n Obvious’ Meninga, who has suggested to his team that getting wasted on (alleged) Stilnox and (alleged) Red Bull conallegacoctions is not the best way to prepare for an Origin game and perhaps they should try not to do that again.

The Tele tells us that Benny Creagh is going to take it to Darren Lockyer in Game One and generally make his life a pushy, tackly hell.

Creagh has been ordered to “terrorise” the veteran Queenslander in Wednesday night’s opening Origin game at ANZ Stadium. Creagh’s brief will include hammering Lockyer in attack and defence.

And it’s a weird situation, because all the Creagh-haters would say he can’t make anyone’s life hell, because he’s too busy pushing Justin Hodges then hiding behind Anthony Watmough. To that we say oh hellll no. Benny Creagh is a thinker (seriously). After Trent Waterhouse’s send off that bitch thought better of his push and backed off before he ended up on the sideline. Our Benny Creagh is S-M-R-T.

There’s more to All-the-way-with Benny Creagh than meets the eye. Remember when Luke Bailey said he was like Ivan Milat?

That was hilarious and/or terrifying. Locky might need to watch out.

Yet Locky seems so … unworried. Just chillin in the casino on a cruise ship. Looks like his relaxing cruise with Izzy Folau is really workin out.

And the Blues have brought in a new and deadly secret weapon: Freddy.

HI FREDDY I MISSED YOU, YOU MACHIAVELLIAN GENIUS!

The deal is that awesome Blues from the Past like Freddy, Blocka, Joey, Laurie Daley and the Chief are going to be staying with the boys for a few days in camp to spread their wisdom and inspire the team. Plus they’ve already had a night talking to Garry Jack, Peter Wynn and Rod Wishart. JEALOUS. And sure, we’d love to have Blocka and the guys hanging around inspiring us, but Freddy is special. Is it just me? He’s so …. comforting. Put me up on a ledge in the middle of a nervous breakdown and he’s the man I’d want talking me down.

Seriously, can you name any other Origin great who you could imagine this senctence is about:

OPTIMISM sauntered into the NSW Origin camp yesterday with a towel around his waist and a copy of The Daily Telegraph under one arm.

OF COURSE HE WAS WEARING A TOWEL. Of course he was.

If I was facing up to this:

in a weeks time, a man in a towel is the kind of man I want giving me advice. Am I right?

All pics Getty Images

Errol is commitedly biased. This is why you like us, yes? So we’re going to keep you up to date all through Origin on the Awesome Shit that NSW Origin Players Do and Say. Catchy name, huh?

Pic. Getty Images

Today, we’re starting with Jamal Idris …. just being generally adorable. (How much do you love that he’s besties with Ben Creagh? So much).

According to Jamal, it’s tough living in Sydney sometimes.

‘It is hard. I feel for people like [Bulldogs teammate] Ben Barba, whose family is up in Mackay. There is no substitute for family, the only thing you can do is put your head down and try to take your mind off it, as hard as it is, wrap yourself up in a blanket of footy.”

A BLANKET OF FOOTY! Oh Jamal, you make our hearts want to explode with your cuteness. Also, nice metaphor! I’m serious. It’s vivid and rich.

Actually, the blues are all about playing with language this year, cause over in the second rowers section, Anthony Watmough was repping for tolerance in the best kind of way … with a pun.

Pic. Getty Images

We love ya Choc!

Lastly, and possibly bestly, apparently Timana Tahu is on a campaign to win back all the footy fans who thought he shouldn’t play Origin after “defecting” to union. The general essence of his plan? BEING AWESOME. He told reporters at the media call:

Queenslanders think Origin belongs to them.

They think this game is theirs and us New South Welshman are only good for turning up every year to get bashed. To lose.

That’s what they think, what their fans think, too. And to be honest, I hope that’s what Chris Close is telling them.

Because I can assure you they’ve got another thing coming this year. For me personally, this NSW jersey means more than any I wore representing my country in rugby. Means more than playing with the Kangaroos.

I put this jersey on and get shivers right down my back. Honestly, I get goosebumps.

To me this is the pinnacle.

Chills, chills.

Timana, darling, let’s never fight again.

Have you missed us darlings? I know, I know, it’s been a whole week and a half without any new Errol goodness in your lives.

Surprisingly, no, it’s not cause we were busy in our bunker sitting at a big judging desk, arguing, looking at photos, doing Tyra Banks impersonations, and picking the NSW Origin team. Although, Planet Eels suggested on twitter that we should be on the NSW selection panel, and to that we say YES PLEASE. CALL US ON YOUR COCONUT PHONE LAURIE DALEY, WE CAN FLY OUT IMMEDIATELY.

What we’ve actually been doing is dying slowly. The entire Errol office has come down with a hideous Ebola-like infection of death. We’ve been sleeping roughly 20 hours a day, coughing, wheezing, crying, moaning, and generally not being allowed out of our sanitary bubbles in case we infect the rest of the world. I’m actually kinda surprised no one has bled from the eyes or seen a vision of Jesus.

Needless to say, it’s kind of hard to blog when you can’t even make proper sentences. But thanks to the wonders of horse-strength antibiotics I’m vaguely upright, just in time to talk about Origin.

Come on down the boys in blue!

Kurt Gidley (capt)

Brett Morris

Matt Cooper

Timana Tahu

Jarryd Hayne

Jamie Lyon

Brett Kimmorley

Michael Weyman

Michael Ennis

Josh Perry

Trent Waterhouse

Ben Creagh

Anthony Watmough

Interchange:

Jamal Idris

Tom Learoyd-Lahrs

Luke Lewis

Brett White

… come on down so we can judge you.

FULLBACK

Ah, Gidley, we meet again. Having met Gidley, once, for about 30 seconds, I can confirm he is a human, speaks English and has two arms and two legs. Other than that, I know nothing special about him, but everyone says he is “a good bloke” (which is the greatest compliment an Australian can give) and a great captain and all-around footy-playing champ.

But he’s also Not Jarryd Hayne. Is he?

My flatmate Denee hates football, and all football-related things. They confuse and annoy her. But last night when I saw the Origin announcement and yelled “HOW CAN YOU HAVE A DALLY M WINNING FULLBACK AND NOT PLAY HIM AT FULLBACK?” even she said “… well that just makes no sense”.

MARK THIS DATE, PEOPLE. DENEE HAD HER FIRST EVER FOOTBALL OPINION.

And having watched last night’s game, apparently the writers at nrl.com would agree with her. Can’t say anymore than that.

OUTSIDE BACKS

We’re gonna say it, you knew we would. B.MOZZZZZZZ! MOZZIE MOZZIE MOZZIE! Without doubt the best winger right now based on form. Not to mention polite and lovely and all things sunshiney in this world. When B.Moz scores a try, angels lose their necks and get their wings.

And when B.Moz plays outside Hot Bitch Cooper … you can guess that bit. We’re defending this choice all the way, kids. Remember Hot Bitch’s tries at ANZ in 2008? We do. Our pants do too. When he’s in form he’s a menacing defender and massively strong and seeing him in form, in sky blue, restores our faith in the world.

Timana Tahu, on the other hand, makes us feel kinda nervous. As the ever-eloquent Daniel Anderson put it, at the beginning of the season he was “rubbish”. Fair call, coach. He’s an experienced player though, and he’s improved, and God knows he’s stacked like a block of flats. If he lifts to rep level then maybe – just maybe – NSW’s backline has a chance of stopping the rampaging wildebeest Greg Inglis. Maybe.

(We’re already doing our part and sticking pointy little Errol pins into our GI voodoo doll. We made it out of light grey felt. It’s surprisingly life-like).

Which brings us to our Dally M winning fullback. On the wing. He’s a bit unpredictable in the regular season, and lots of people hate him. So he’s kind of  … the Anthony Watmough of outside backs. But he also totally lifts for Origin – like Watmough – and we approve of this.

We can’t say anything else about him except DAMMIT YOU WERE ROBBED FOR THAT TRY LAST YEAR JARRYD-WITH-A-Y. ps our friend Kate thinks you look like Rihanna. She’s right.

What up Jarryd? I like yo bob.

HALVES

Well, well, what up Jamie Lyon! So your torture at the hands of the blues selectors continues.

Remember when you said you didn’t want to play Origin last year, and they made you play?

And remember when you said you wanted to play in the centres this year, and they put you in the halves?

Every time I say ‘centres’ I think of chocolate. Then I remember I can’t taste anything. MOTHERFUCKER.

Oh, how they must have laughed!

Jamie probably does deserve to be in the team – remember his defence last year? – plus he can kick those pesky goals. We’d rather him in the centres but then … who plays five-eighth? Our beloved Terry Campese isn’t exactly in form (sorry T.Camps!). Maybe Trent Barrett? Brett Finch is Origin kryptonite. And John Sutton … plays for the Rabbitohs. Ugh. If we were in charge we would totally put Barrett in the team just because there’s a chance that he might hit Greg Inglis in the face again.

If anyone wants to run for NSW Parliament on that platform, by the way, I’d totally vote for you.

Meanwhile, when Queensland sit down to pick their halfback, they’re choosing between Johnathan Thurston, Scott Prince and Cooper Cronk. In NSW we choose between Kimmorley (this isn’t meant to be offensive Noddy), crippled Mitchell Pearce, and recently returned from crippledom Jarrod Mullen and Peter Wallace. I won’t even include Todd Carney in contention for any position because I’m too worried about him stressing out and hitting the booze again, and Trent Hodkinson is, like, 12 years old. DAMN that shit is depressing.  Should we put in another centre? Josh Morris, you busy?

While you’re deciding, feel free to sign my petition to bring back Joey Johns. He looks totally match fit!  It’ll totally work!

SECOND ROW

Where God injures a halfback or three, he replaces them with 85 awesome back rowers. Between Watmough, Waterhouse, Creagh, O’Donnell, Gallen (ew, Sharks),  Hindmarsh, Laffranchi, Lewis, Learoyd-Lahrs, hell even Greg Bird, NSW literally has enough second rowers for three Origin teams.

We woulda put Lewis in the starting side, (and O’Donnell if he was fit cause damn that boy loves to fight) but we are happy x 1000 to see Watmough and Creagh in there. Watmough is MADE for Origin. He’s a sky blue dynamo. And when Ben Creagh runs the ball we deadset get occasional flashbacks of the Beav. Future Origin Hero. Trust.

FRONT ROW

First of all – WEYMAN! Has there ever been a more deserved first Origin call-up? Weyman’s gone from playing like 30 minutes max to being a blues frontrunner. And we feel weirdly … proud. Proud because we love a big fat footy dynamo, and weird in that the first ever thing he said to us was “I fucking hate journalists”. It was a joke, but still it’s lucky we’re:

a) not actually journalists

b) not easily offended.

Prove us right, Michael. Prove. Us. Right.

And secondly … good God, Josh Perry? Is this what we’ve come to? Where the hell are the NSW front rowers? Can someone not hurry up and clone an invincible George Rose so we can play him as a starting prop and on the bench? To quote our mate Greg, “Perry’s a pillow. A marshmallow. And not even a good Pascall one either”.

From now on, he shall be known as Home Brand Perry.

INTERCHANGE

One word. Jamal. Forget where they’re gonna play him, we are currently taking bets on what super-amazing Origin hairstyle he’s gonna rock. I feel like the next progression from his tight pigtails at Country Origin is the full bun:

So what do we think overall? We live in hope. LET’S GO BLUES!

What about you kittens?

What’s that word people kept saying earlier this week? … MAROONWASH, was it?

Oh, the sweet satisfaction of Queensland being denied their fairytale. Yes, we know they won the series, but we also know that instead of prancing off into the sunset to a sunny Queensland island to relive their victories, they’re gonna be sitting at home, lights off, watching slo-mo replays of this game and wondering just how it all went wrong. Johnathan Thurston will probably cry. He does that.

But the bottom line is the same: NO TROPICAL HOLIDAY FOR YOU NOW, BITCHES.

This game was a victory for brotherhood, tenacity, pettiness, spite, and sheer stubbornness, with just a hint of FUCK ALL Y’ALL added for spice.

If you’re wondering, you eat this delicious dish with … wait for it … THE FORKS.

For those who were not blessed enough to watch the game in all its glorious suspense, drama, violence, and hilarity, the Blues won. THAT’S RIGHT. Our baby blues brought it home 28-16.

The addition of the two Old Men in Blue, Trent Barrett and Brett Kimmorley, turned out to be a stroke of brilliance. Kimmorley was all over the field like a man half his age. The addition of Michael Ennis, captain of the good ship giving-away-stupid-penalties, maybe slightly less so.

But let’s talk about what you’re actually interested in: yes, there was a KO. A real one. No (non-literal) shit. After a bit of scuffling in a tackle, Brett White leapt out of his play-the-ball and picked an old school stand-up fight with Hot Old Man Steve Price.

Tragically, this didn’t involve anyone getting shirtless to punch on, which is one of the greatest football traditions ever. What it did involve was about three air swings, then Brett White making perfect contact with Steve Price’s jaw. We swear on our most precious vintage t shirts he was unconscious before he even hit the ground.

And we’re gonna stand up and say … yes, we was kinda shocked. We had always had a vague suspicion that Brett White was more … how do you put it? More a lover, than a fighter.

Pic. Getty Images

Can’t imagine why. Turns out Brett White has a fucking mean right cross, and it’s Steve Price who isn’t much for fisticuffs. Even his Warriors coach Ivan Cleary was terrified about what might happen.

I saw Pricey look to shape up and I thought, ‘What’s he doing?’ I thought, ‘Oh no.’

With all due respect to Pricey I couldn’t imagine him going great in a fight.

Love how he says “all due respect” like it matters. Now that we know Pricey is like a kitten without claws you can say whatever you like Ivan. Go on! Let it out!

And we won’t lie, Brett White kinda won my heart when after the whole scuffle, as Justin Hodges was making snake eyes – we aren’t kidding, he really did it with his hands like Barney from How I met Your Mother - he just licked his lips, mouth all covered in blood, and laughed … it was kind of hot. OOOF. Excuse us now while we hide our faces in shame for enabling violence with our perviness.

But somehow Trent Waterhouse (not to be confused with Trent from Punchy) was the one sent off and fronting the judiciary for running in as third man and tackling the falling unconscious Pricey to try and end the fight. Our boy Trent is now first man to be sent off since Gordie in 2000, and first blues player EVER to be sent off. His mama must be so proud!

Perhaps she can have the title painted onto a plate for the mantle.

(Gordie, on the other hand, is probably at home busily hand-sewing up a storm, whipping up a Trent Waterhouse voodoo doll and sticking pins in its knees, chanting BITCH TOOK MY TITLE).

But we’re putting it out there that Trent had the best of intentions and is getting an unfair rap. Soon as we finish writing this blog and painting our nails, possibly eating a sandwich, we fully intend to start a FREE TRENT campaign.

Don’t worry Waterhouse! WE’RE ON IT!

And if it turns out we’re wrong and Waterhouse was doing something dodgy, Sassy volunteers to spank him for being a Bad Boy. Yes, she really did say that. Her wrongness knows no bounds.

Tell you who’s not getting any help from us though? Oh yes, we’re looking at you Thurston. Don’t-you-walk-away-from-me JT.

As if we weren’t unimpressed enough when Thurston said “go away, you spastic” to Kurt Gidley. Um … spastic? Really, JT? We’re hardly in the position to be holier-than-thou about offensive comments, but we will say this: is it year four now? Have you time-travelled? Update your insults please.

But then we saw your boot making contact with Dave Williams face as he lay on the ground, and we is pissed. YOU KICKED OUR DAVE IN THE FACE!! UNACCEPTABLE!

We are thisclose to issuing a JT death fatwa, like Iran did with Salman Rushdie. Surprisingly, yes, we do know a lot of high profile Mullahs and we aren’t afraid to ask for favours.

Dunno if everyone’s aware of this, but Dave Williams (and no we won’t call him ‘Wolfman’; it’s a shit nickname and we refuse) happens to be the Patron Saint of Errol. As a sidnote, we cannonised him literally 6 months before anyone else knew his name so don’t you dare accuse us of being ‘Wolfman’ bandwagoners.

Anyway, we love Davey. Even though his defence of Greg Inglis was lacking in sections. Sassy maintains it’s because he failed to watch Wiz and Gordie on Monday Night Football presenting the new segment CONTACT CORNER. They specifically taught everyone how to defend Inglis … with role plays and everything! Seriously, if Bellamy didn’t let the boys have MNF tv privileges then he totally dropped the ball.

Anyway. Back to JT. In some ways we’re kinda like the mafia round here: we love chunky gold watches, cannoli, and fur … and we don’t take no one messin’ with our boyz.

So for convenience’s sake, we have drawn up a list of all our adored NRL babies.

So if anyone even THINKS of harming a hair on one of those boys heads, there will be hell to pay fo realz.

Let’s talk about Anthony Watmough. The man was a MACHINE! Played the whole 80 minutes and never looked like tiring. Bitch has endurance. Kinda like the way pre health kick us used to stay out dancing and drinking schooners until 6am. Yes, exactly like that. We were doing it for NSW too.

We know he gets a bit of a bad rap in the league world, but in our personal experience Watmough is a bit of a champ. And by that we mean whenever we have spoken to him he has been awesome and really encouraging of what we do. Which is enough for us to be on Team Watmough.

At this point Kiki would like to point out that this amazing form from Watmough is a direct result of her accidentally offending him at the Beaver tribute dinner last year. She somehow found herself alone with him and somewhat lost for words, and in true Kiki form she blurted out something inappropriate.

K – Hey Watmough…remember when you used to play Origin? And you were heaps good?

A - ……….yes.

K – Those were ummm…good times! *encouraging slap on the arm*

Obviously this was his ‘rock bottom’. He made a commitment to himself he would play like a man possessed and make the Origin team in 09. And he did! THANKS KIKI!

Just imagine how different things could have been if Kiki had made conversation about the weather. That is some Sliding Doors shit right there.

And Watmough teamed up with Ben Creagh to send in Benny for a try, too. ALL THE WAY WITH BENNY CREAGH. And that’s on top of Creagh getting the honour of being sinbinned. Amazing. Shout out to Mama Creagh! We especially enjoy that it was for … well for avoiding getting into a fight.

(All the way with) Benny Creagh was obviously upset  when Queenslanders piled into a tackle on Kurt Gidley, so he pushed Justin Hodges off, then … well then he ran away. HEART. Kiki thinks he put in the shove then suddenly had a vision of how fucking terrifying Wayne Bennett would be if he got suspended and had to backpedal like crazy. Either way Benny Creagh gets a membership card to the Steve Price Boxing Club. Look out for it in the post, Ben.

And last of all, Sassy’s dad’s favourite moment of the game: a Queenslander getting so excited at Dallas Johnson’s try that he spilled his beer. We like to think he made exactly the same face when the full-time buzzer sounded. Enjoy:

Thanks to the delicious Cronkster for his caps.

The time has come, chickens. Time for the round three State of Origin deathmatch. Deathmatch in the sense that, while it’s likely no one will die, I live in hope that there will be some kind of contest. Even though we’ve already lost the series for 2009, our boys in blue still have to fight out the third match. This one’s FOR DIGNITY, people.

And the need to reclaim some authority is getting more and more pressing. Remember we told you about the Jacksonville Axemen? The Queenslanders’ Origin domination has hit the point where even their founder, Spinner, is sending us hideous, gloating emails from all the way across the Pacific Ocean making fun of the blues’ loss. Worst of all … HE’S RIPPING OFF OUR JOKES. That’s right, taking our own cheap jokes about Queenslanders having trotters, and using them to burn us. Shit is dire.

The email popped into our inbox the day after Origin 2, with the subject line : I NEED SOME HELP. (If you’re wondering he spelled it correctly, not like when he emailed us GO QUEENSALNDERS).

Please can someone get me a chair or maybe a ladder or something. I will also need some kind of slip proof surface to stand on.

Although I have done this task many times I always find it hard and each time it seems to get harder due to the extra weight.

It is really a simple task but I take my small role in this process very seriously and I know that many people are counting on me getting it right.

I am not used to standing up on my hind legs, and my trotters do not get the best grip when I stretch up to hang the QLD flag.

And every time we win the additional weight of the trophies, medals and the burden of all the accolades is almost getting to be too much.

I understand that the folks down here will not lend a hand with my little project so maybe if I just wave the flag in front of them I can crawl up on their backs when they come and bow to pay homage to it knowing it and all it represents is truly GOD LIKE.

Yes, that it what I will do. Wave the QLD flag and then just trot up the top of the pile of those that mourn yet honor it’s AWESOMENESS and place it at the top of the pole.

GO YOU BLOODY QUEENSLANDERS.

DAMMIT. Things that make Queensanders happy are the absolute worst. I am Not Enjoying This.

I am especially not enjoying this because apparently the plague of injuries of NSW is not abating. We already had five men down for Origin 2, now Jamie Lyon and Luke O’Donnell and Paul Gallen are on the list two. WHAT’S GOING ON? I have read the bible and I’m pretty sure that once the plague of Rugby League injuries has been going for a few weeks, we’re meant to move onto locusts. Someone is deadset not following the script. WHERE ARE THE LOCUSTS?

Now clearly – because its all anyone can talk about this week – were gonna have to mention Nate Myles. Nate Myles and The Incident. Like Michael Ennis we were speechless, then confused.

You mean he … ?

… try not to make a poo joke, try not to make a poo joke.

And like the boys on FoxSports’ Long Lunch, we’re too grossed out to talk about it. Let’s just say Lozzy thinks the source of the problem might be that it’s tricky opening doors and using plumbing when you have trotters.

Speaking of: Mick Ennis and Brett ‘Noddy’ Kimmorley have been included in the team for Origin 3. Shocking, right? Despite some teething problems, we hate that Robbie Farah has been booted. But also kind of delightful, in that Noddy reminds me of a teeny tiny version of Hoppo from Bondi Rescue. WE LOVE HOPPO. It’s the nextbestthing to having him in a sky blue jersey of his own. (Clearly that would never happen. He’s far too old relaxed to be interested in playing footy).

If nothing else Ennis will look after NSW’s sledging requirements. I approve of this.

Hey Greg Inglis! We got you a little gift. Lotsa love, New South Wales.

Yes THAT IS TOTALLY A TRANSFORMERS REFERENCE. You know that shit is apt. Because the Queensland team are evil Deceptecons (apart from you Steve Price) and we are noble Autobots.  Yep yep.

Yeh so we shoulda written this yesterday but we were a) viciously hungover and b) annoyed at the world. And by world we mean QUEENSLAND. Booooo! As if things couldn’t get any worse, our eyes were subjected to herds of detestable Queensland supporters waddling about Sydney Airport the next day. All clad entirely in maroon. God, why are they so punishing?

This series loss is crap, but we knew it was coming.. By that we mean DAMMIT THOSE QUEENSLANDERS ARE JUST TOO GOOD. Did we really think that our baby blues could beat … pretty much the Australian team? Maybe. In the same way we think there’s a chance we could compete in Miss Universe. We live in a world of immense possibility, after all.

But the dream wasn’t to be.  So lets just do a run down shall we?

THE FANS

WE LOVE AUSSIE LEAGUE FANS. There is nothing that brings out the best in people like State of Origin. It’s like … the Olympics for fans. BEST. SIGN. EVER. There’s so much to love about it. I love that it’s actually addressed to Greg Inglis.

We love when fans direct their rage AT the actual players. Like when we went to watch the Roosters lose in dismal fashion against the Tigers at the SFS this season, Mitchell Pearce was standing in the corner in from of us, one irate fan stood up on his chair about three rows back from the field to yell ‘MITCHELL’.

The angryfan was so surprised when Mitchell actually turned around that he couldn’t even remember why he was so pissed and just pointed and shook his finger while making an angry ‘ngggggnnnnnnnnnggghhhhhhh’. It was awesome.

Also, don’t you love the simple fact that someone bothered to make a sign large and intricate enough to include the word BOWRAVILLE? He is so committed.

Possibly the only thing better is that – according to one of our Errol spiez, the lovely Jess – when the Maroons ran out a New South Welshman in a suit mooned them. Pulled on down his pin-striped suit pants and MOONED THEM. I am so proud to be from NSW right now.

THE BIFF

JUSTIN POORE. What a dark horse! First he’s building orphanages in Rwanda, next thing you know he’s whipping up a tasselled bra and smashing Mick Crocker with a right hook in Origin. He is a man of layers. And luckily for us, one of those layers is PUNCHING. Hallelujah!

Exhibit A – J.Punch Poore gets his sexy on

And we have to admit something. With this single act of biff Justin well….he became SEXY. Um hello ripped jersey! We have always adorrrred him, but more in a OMG HE IS SO AMAZING AND PERFECT AND HAVE U SEEN THOSE EYELASHES sort of way. Now his appeal has taken on a whole new dimension. Welcome to the Hot Man Stable Justin baby!

And yes, we know violence is wrong but FOOTY VIOLENCE IS DIFFERENT. We really enjoy watching Anthony Watmough almost magically appear in the vicinity whenever a fight erupts, all full of eagerness and busting to just punch someone. Anyone! He sniffs it out like an enthusiastic labrador diving into the bushes and popping out with an apple core. Heart.

DAVEY HAS NO NO TIMES

Ooooooooh dear. What can we even say? We aren’t gonna describe all of Dave’s fuck ups because well…you guys have eyes right? What we will say is:

a) Watching his distraught face on the TV literally broke our hearts. That shit was BLEAK.

b) Okay yes his mistakes were shockers, but most of the team under performed. If anyone is blaming him for our loss they are delusional.

c) Players have had bad debuts and gone on to be Origin superstars…hello Jarryd Hayne and Justin Hodges! Don’t write him off yet.

d) Guess the bubble had to burst for him at some point. His last 18 months have been somewhat charmed. But wow…what a way to come back to earth. THUD.

e) Even if everyone else in the world is ripping into you…WE STILL LOVE YOU DAVEY! So so much! If you ever need a place to hide out, we can blow up a bed and you can sleep on the floor of Errol HQ.

THE RUNS

K.Hunt is overjoyed at the win; regrets sharing a fork with Nate Myles.

Seriously, Nate Myles = almost as unfortunate as Ben Hannant. Is there anything worse than having it announced to the world that you have diarrhoea? THAT’S RIGHT, PEOPLE. NATE MYLES IN DOUBT FOR ORIGIN CAUSE HE CAN’T LEAVE THE CAN. We love it when embarassing shit happens to Queenslanders, we really do.

BABY HAYNE WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU

Yaaaaay! Go Jarryd-with-a-y! Hayne has often been thought of in the league world as being lazy/arrogant/generally unlikeable. Well forget all that shit coz bitch KILLED IT on Wednesday night. Not only did he score that sweet sweet try (revenge for the video ref debacle of Origin 1) he was also enthusiastic in defence and was probably the Blues best player. WELL DONE MISTER! You get an Errol gold star. Lucky boy.

At this point we would like to make a request.

Queenslanders, we are okay with you winning a record series. It’s hardly a suprise. But please, for the love of all that is good and holy, stop pretending it’s about heart, pride or the ‘Queensland spirit’. IT’S COZ YOU HAVE THE ENTIRE AUSTRALIAN BACKLINE FOR CHRISSAKE. Stop being self mythologising fantasists and accept you are just the better team.

See you in Game 3. We look forward to our Trent ‘our new favourite person’ Barrett smashing some more maroon jaws. What whaaaat!

(Pics from the lovely cronkster and GettyImages)

DAMN IT, PEOPLE. This shit is getting out of control. First Luke Bailey was ruled out of selection with a fractured arm. Then Luke Lewis with a broken foot-something. Then James McManus with a busted ankle. Then Michael Jennings with a calf injury. Next Robbie Farah’s not training cause his rib in-between bits are sore and Trent Barrett has a jimmy back.

Now Craig Wing has been booted from the NSW Origin team with an itchy sternum or laryngitis or … look I don’t even know what’s wrong with him. I’M NOT A DOCTOR. Anyway it matters not cause he’s not playing. Just the latest in a long line of Blues to bite the dust.

Not so quick, Learoyd-Lahrs.

Except maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Two injuries I could understand. After all, it’s footy, right? Shitty stuff happens. Shit like fractured arms and crushed toes or grabbing peoples wheels or sticking your finger in unexpected places or having your head stapled together on national television. 

Trent waits for the voltaren to sink in…
Pic. The Daily Telegraph

… and limbers up.

And Trent Barrett I could understand, too. The man is 31. Sure, in real life that’s young, but in footy terms that’s like making it to 100 … in the 1940s. Those bitches age in straight-up dog years. Plus it’s WINTER. No wonder his lumbago’s giving him issues. But all he needed was a bit of arthritis cream and he’s right. Tony Ayoub’s been driving up to Magenta Shores to grease up his old joints and now the old dogs’ fit enough to go back to his training routine of lifting medicine balls and running the four minute mile. 

But SEVEN INJURIES? Fuck me. Shit is ridiculous. It’s like the blue death. Or having a whole team of Rod Wisharts. Or that baseball episode of the Simpsons. The second someone is tipped for Origin II they fall under a bus or get gigantism or fall into the Springfield Mystery Spot. IT SUCKS. Before we know it Daryl Strawberry will be Captain of the Blues and I will top myself.

THIS IS THE WORST ORIGIN EVER. Even the boys look like they think so.

… Cept maybe for T.Camps. His spot is getting might close to being empty again. 

Injuries? There are injuries? PICK ME! I’M READY!

Although it’s entirely possible that Andrew Johns will just step in. He’s been filling in all week up at Blues camp and HE ALREADY KNOWS ALL THE MOVES.

Meanwhile there might be something else going on here. Considering that 85% of my Roosters team is also currently injured, I can only conclude one thing: somehow, I have displeased the Gods, and they are now wreaking their mighty vengeance.

Eh, we’ll just take the win.

I dunno how exactly you fix that. I did see this episode of Anthony Bourdain No Reservations where he knelt down and banged a little bell and apologised to the Universe for all the pigs he has eaten in his lifetime. So I’ll try that, but in the mean time, I’ve just lined up another shadow player:

I KNOW RIGHT? PERFECT! She’s super fast AND she’s tres enthusiastic. And yes … that is my dog. She’s a retired greyhound named Dolly Parton. Plus she’s only 1! Hello planning for the future! If we lose another winger she is all over this shit. (And let’s face it, we probably will. Those blues are dropping like flies).

See? Billy Slater totes looks terrified. Dolly Parton’s gonna be a menace in blue. CALL ME IF YOU NEED HER, CRAIG BELLAMY.

And if you’re wondering what the Maroons have been up to while the Blues were shattering their bones and muscles of glass … well, they’ve been doing what they do best:

Down and dirty and KEEPIN. IT. REAL.

So, predictions please? Who’s winning it and by how much?

As always thanks to the fab BS for the caps. Mwah! 

After the success of the Harvey Norman Women in League round, and before the next Origin match, the lovely folks at the NRL and One Community threw the last Women in League dinner for 2009. And, somehow, the Country Rugby League were kind enough to ask us along as their guests. I know, right? How nice are they? It makes no sense. Maybe they saw us in some of our Mary Kate Olsen-ish hobo outfits and thought we were probably in need of some free food and drink, and maybe a roof over our heads. 

The event was up at Magenta Shores, where the Blues boys are staying for their Origin camp. If nothing else this should end those annoying ‘NSW are pampered princesses’ comments cause … well I’m pretty sure pampered princesses don’t stay in resorts that smell like swamp. THERE. WE SAID IT. The resort is lovely, but still, it’s unnerving.

We want to say a big HI BOYS to the high priests of rugby league, David Gallop and Geoff Carr. Thankyou so much for the chats and the encouragement, let’s be best friends, call us every day.

First of all we have a huge complaint: why did no one mention on the invite that there might be tears? There should be a little WATERPROOF MASCARA warning right under where it says ‘Dress code: smart casual”. Between mains and dessert Mario Fenech interviewed the irrepressible Daisy, a league volunteer of 57 years. FIFTY-SEVEN YEARS. When he asked her what inspired her to support kids’ footy, her answer was ‘just seeing their effort to get those little legs all the way down the field”. We knowww, Daisy. Nothing cuter than little kids playing footy … remember how much we fell in love with Jacko in Orange? Her passion was enough to get us teared up, and we think Mario was choking back a few too.

We also really enjoyed that she turned Mario’s thank you kiss into a mouth-on-mouth moment. To be honest he’s not really our type (we know you won’t be offended, Fenech) but what a minx. Call us, Daisy. We’ll go out on the town.

To turn the night into a WiL-Origin extravaganza, the organisers sent one lucky Origin player to each table … except ours. Discrimination! Either discrimination, or somehow the players got wind of this and bribed someone to make sure they didn’t have to eat with the Errol girls. Instead we sat with ErrolSuperStaaah Bert. Sure he’s great company but if he’s given us Swine Flu we will be pissed.

If you’re wondering who gets the most love in the Blues team, it’s a tie between Robbie Farah and Craig Wing. When those two were sent to their tables, the crowd damn near lost their minds. Bitches are hits! One table even called over Dave Williams and his rapidly fading fairy floss beard to take their pics with Wingy. Um, this is a Kangaroo winger. Not a photo monkey! Can’t they rope in the Daily Telegraph photog for this shit? Poor Dave.

In other news now that the pink dye is fading, Dave isn’t so much fairy floss as coconut ice. Under the pink is a big ol layer of white beard. We couldn’t figure out if the beard is a fashion crime or a tasty delicious snack. Sadly we have no updates from Dave’s life for you because to be quite honest we couldn’t look at him without laughing, let alone carry on a conversation.

So let’s talk about the rest of the Blues.

Obviously Kiki is overwhelmed with joy at her Dragons boys representing NSW, and was even more joyous when Justin Poore strolled in, smiled and said hi … all of his own volition! We didn’t even force him to be nice! It’s always comforting to know someone has read Errol but still isn’t terrified of us.

Put down your flippers Monas! You’re playing Origin!

We were also delighted to see Joel Monaghan in the squad as a shadow player. As he walked in we spontaneously yelled MONAS WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? and rushed in for the sort of big emotional hug that you usually see at the Arrivals terminal in Sydney aiport. Not only is he the funniest man in the NRL, he also looks ever so dapper in a suit. It’s not his fault he forgot to bring shoes to match. Maybe he just doesn’t like wearing them, like me? I DON’T LIKE TO BE CONFINED! I’M A FREE SPIRIT! LOZZY SAYS SO!

Incidentally I somehow overlooked the fact that he would be there. Why? I don’t know. I am an idiot. But my subconscious somehow knew, because on Wednesday morning I went to stay ‘Origin’ and accidentally said ‘Monagin’ instead. IT’S LIKE I’M PSYCHIC. I HAVE A FIFTH SENSE.

Trent Barrett’s selection was quite the suprise, and truthfully we have been fairly ambivalent about it. There were tears and arguments in the Errol office, till eventually work experience boy Lachie used his one good arm and shoulder to get out the butcher’s paper and got us to brainstorm our way back to love and understanding.

Flirty, thirty and thriving!

Sure we were disappointed that the NSW selectors didn’t stick with their ‘new blood’ selection policy, and heartbroken that Errol retro fave T.Camps isn’t in Origin II, but there are pluses.

Universal truth: it’s not easy to pull off anger while holding flippers.

Pluses like since Barrett is in the team, we now have an Origin rep who is OLDER THAN US. But four years. Hurrah! Finally! We’re sick of those baby blue bastards rubbing their youth in our faces.

The intimacy helps me cope with the disappointment.

And the bright side of Hot Bitch Cooper missing out on selection is that we didn’t pass out from lust over the entree at the Women in League dinner. God I am so glass-half-full today. I almost make myself sick.

Instead we decided to chat up Craig Bellamy and see if he really is White Goodman. Remember that post? … good times). To our incredible disappointment he’s … likeable. GOD. How inconvenient. Likeable and charming in a well-fitting suit. I would even say he’s rather … dapper. DAMN YOU BELLAMY. Doesn’t he realise we’re trying to hate the Storm? Selfish bastard.

We also discovered Glenn Stewart looks pretty sharp with his new blonde hair (keep it Glenn! We like it) and that Anthony Watmough is an awesome and supportive cheerleader for women in league and in the media (and especially us, bless his heart).

And in true Errol fashion we managed to embarass ourselves. As the boys left for their villas, Kiki gripped Justin Poore by the shoulder and fervently announced in a stage whisper: “I’m so proud of you, Justin“. She really is invested in her Dragons boys. And the only think she could manage to say to Robbie Farah was to yell HI ROBBIIIEEEE in his face.

Worst of all: we got burned by Mario Fenech. No shit, kids. As we were chatting to him he told us “well you two are .. characters”. And when we protested that was ambiguous and kinda mean he followed it up with “…. well I was trying to be nice”.

THAT WAS NICE? MARIO FENECH TOTALLY DISSED US. SEE IF WE PLUG YOUR SOON-TO-BE-LAUNCHED WEBSITE THEFALCON.COM NOW.

Pics thanks to the gorgeous BS and his blog, Kiki’s iPhone and the Sydney Morning Herald (David Williams).