25 

olympics is my sweet sweet crack

August 11th, 2008

Well the completely and utterly expected has finally happened. Remember all that stuff I said about the Olympics? As predicted: complete bullshit. The Olympics isn’t too much sport, nor too many sports, and there is absolutely no chance of my boycotting anything in it. I’m done for. I may never sleep again.

I spent last night huddled in the green tv glow in my terry robe, clutching my tumbler of diet coke and promising myself just one more race and then I’ll go to bed. Just one more. One more can’t hurt, right? A person only needs five hours … four hours sleep. Right? That’s all the guy in The Firm slept for and he outwitted the mob.

Then all of a sudden they were replaying Stephanie Rice winning gold and I had to watch that. Then I kind of had to watch our boys in the rowing, because it’s not fair to neglect them, is it? It would be sportist. And sexist. And gymnastics … well look I just really like gymnastics, ok? I love how gymnasts are just so … gymnasty. Their whole bodies are shaped for nothing but gymnastics. They’re human bonsai; modern and socially acceptable demonstrations of the victory of determination and conditioning over human genetics. You can’t look away any more than you could look away from those gory pictures of freshly unbound Chinese feet in history books at school.

So instead of focussing on work (and thankfully instead of scratching imaginary bugs through my skin) I’ve been reading the Olympic schedule for the day and jonesing for more. Do you know what I had to miss to go to work today?

Swimming finals, synchronised diving and equestrian events.

EQUESTRIAN EVENTS. Is there anything I love more? No, no there isn’t. Needless to say I am pissed. It’s the cross-country too, bitches, and there is no other event with as high a probability of someone falling face-first into a pool of murky river-water as the cross-country. Not even steeplechase, and you can quote me on that. I already missed out on watching live dressage yesterday thanks to Channel Seven and itis unnecessary broadcasting of some inconsequential and unimpressive bottom-of-the-table AFL game, and all I have to say is there are no hats in AFL. It cannot hope to compare with an event where men and women in blazers and sixties riding helmets prance on horseback in diagonals.

It’s magical. Like watching a dog walk on its hind legs. I’ve decided I really enjoy watching humans defy the natural order of things. I also like seeing ponies with their hair all done up and their hooves all shiny. It’s like the horse formal. I wonder if any of them shag in uncomfortable positions in a horse trailer afterwards.

And, yes. I am an angry addict when I don’t get my fix. Wanna make something of it?

Do you know that diver Matthew Helm has vertigo? I shit you not. He stands on a 10 metre platform and dives through a fear of heights. And I AM MISSING IT. You’d be angry too.

Plus what if some of the Americans turn up to their events in their ridiculous newsboy caps? I will be devo. If a yank wears a lame Kangol hat and no one makes a bitchy joke about it, what’s the point?

So in case anyone else is feeling as bitter and yearning as I am today, I’ll leave you with possibly the greatest piece of photoediting I have ever seen. This is what you call JOURNALISM.

The Sydney Morning Herald Olympic Gallery of Shirtless Men. Bravo, Herald. Bravo.

[pics: Getty Images / smh.com.au]

6 

Torchwood: Outside the government, beyond the police, not beyond the awesome

June 6th, 2008


All my Torchwood love is thanks to Kiki. Much like Jessica’s footy obsession, I initially resisted, thinking it would just be like Buffy which I straight up hate with the fire of a thousand suns. But Kiki was persistent and she made me watch a YouTube fanvid (lol! fanvids) of Captain Jack getting it on with a dude – bitch got me right in the vagina.


Torchwood is by no means a ‘good show’ in terms of dialogue (well it has awesome dialogue but it’s no No Country For Old Men. Which actually I haven’t seen or read and have no knowledge of how good it’s dialogue is, I just know Zeffie said he wished he could do a film like that, and that’s good enough for me) or character consistency or any of those fancy things, but it honestly has everything you could ever need to be entertained. Mans kissing, girls kissing, aliens kissing, SO MUCH KISSING. All of them are shagging each other on and off, except Jack and Ianto (two dudes! Yes!) who shag regularly and play naked hide and seek (fo rlz. They actually talk about this in one of the episodes. Unfortunately we don’t see it. BOOO).

It brings the lolz, and the violence, and the sads. It even made our cold-as-ice friend Yassy shed a tear (which she stresses was a LONE TEAR). Some of the stories really make you think too – I couldn’t sleep the night me and Kiki watched the episode where they talk about it being ‘just darkness’ after you die. Neither could she, apparently. Why we didn’t crawl into bed together and spoon all night to soothe our fears of death I’ll never know. It’s also totally self-referential, like in this one ep where Captain Jack has this guy all up in his face and he’s like “So, this is quite homoerotic”. YES. YES IT IS JACK.

The hetero stuff is pretty hot too. Take this for example, when Owen pins Gwen up against a tree and says:

“When was the last time you screwed all night? When was the last time you came so hard and so long you forgot where you are? Doesn’t happen with him, does it? Too familiar. Whereas you and me, we’re not cosy at all. We’d be amazing. And that scares the shit out of you”

pic via torchie_caps

OH MY *fans self*.

And for those of you who aren’t really into any of that, there’s the aliens. It is a spin-off of Doctor Who after all, so there’s lots of sci-fi goodness complete with bad CGI. They cover sex aliens (they feed off orgasms – kind of makes you reconsider banging someone you don’t know), cannibal villagers, evil fairies, aliens that impregnate you (how pissed off would you be to end up preg without even Doin’ It to get there? Fuckin aliens. Honestly) and so much more. They also find lots of alien trinkets like this Resurrection Glove (which Ianto suggests they call the Risen Mitten. Oh Ianto, you goose!) which does exactly what you’d think – brings back dead people – and a necklace which lets you read people’s minds (this results in lesbian sex if any straight dudes reading need a reason to watch besides the guns and aliens. I care not why you watch, just that you do).

So in summary I’d like to take from the Book of Kiki and quote “Torchwood and everything related to it is infinitely amazing”. Because oh, how true that is.

edit: I can’t believe I forgot to mention how amazing John Barrowman is. Expect more on this in a future post. The Torchwood set sounds like a riot btw, apparently John and Eve Myles have this adorable pervy Jack and Karen-esque friendship where he smooshes his face in her boobs and asks how “the girls” are, n stuff.