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the oh errol awards 2010: results time

October 22nd, 2010

You guys, we don’t even know what to say. These last two weeks have been, just … a crazy ride, you know? We’ve never done this kind of public vote before. We were confused and excited and to be honest we had no idea how all this would turn out, and now we’ve seen the results? They’re .. overwhelming. It’s been the BEST ERROL AWARDS EVER. And there’s no way we could’ve done it alone. You guys and your literally thousands of votes made all of this possible. You’re our inspiration, our heart. We want to thank you all. And of course, we want to thank our “friend, Ben Affleck“.

Now, while we’re busy pulling up our ill-fitting pink dresses, why don’t you check out the winners?

THE WINNER OF THE PAUL NEWMAN AWARD FOR THE HOTTEST OLD MAN IN LEAGUE – JOHN CARTWRIGHT

Well apparently we’re starting with a landslide, kids. Sorry Badge and Sheensy, but Carty romped this one in with a 63% share of the vote. In honour of his award, he will receive a package direct from Errol HQ containing a voucher for some salt and pepper highlights at his local hairdresser.

THE WINNER OF THE FIERCE BITCH AWARD FOR THE FIERCEST BITCH IN LEAGUE – COOPER CRONK

Apparently Cooper Cronk has a stranglehold on this like Matt Cooper has a monopoly on the title Hot Bitch. Unfortunately he wasn’t able to be here to collect his award in person, but he sent this short message for you all to enjoy.

THE WINNER OF THE SUPERMAN AWARD FOR BEING BENIGN OFF THE FIELD, BRILLIANT ON IT – JASON ‘FLOSSY’ NIGHTINGALE

We can’t lie, this was a close ballot. Flossy just edged out Shaun Kenny-Dowall in an intense kiwi bettle. Un the ind, Flossy came out vuctorious. We like to think this is also a victory for New Zealand in general, because “you are where you come from”. Or something.

THE WINNER OF THE FUZZY DUCKLING AWARD FOR THE CUTEST ROOKIE IN LEAGUE – MATT ‘THE PUPPY’ GILLETT

Or, as the Papua New Guineans call him: MattGillett MattGillett! MattGillett got almost half the votes, and as a special gift from us to commemorate this moment, MattGillett will receive a gift pack containing 42 schmackos and a Kong filled with peanut butter. Who’s a good boy MattGillett?

THE MR. CELLOPHANE AWARD FOR THE MOST OVERLOOKED MAN IN LEAGUE – SCOTT PRINCE

Do you know what Prince Scotty the Caramel was up to when we told him he was a winner? Yep, as you can tell from that there photo, he was napping. We’re 99% sure there’s actually some drool in the corner of his mouth there. No judgment, though, Princey. GOD KNOWS YOU DOESN’T HAVE TO BE AWAKE AND CONSCIOUS AND TRAINING FOR ANYTHING. Poor overlooked Scotty. We hope this award does a little to numb the pain of being the most overlooked halfback in league … just. A few more votes and this could’ve been Hornbag’s instead.

Because we don’t want them to feel left out, all three nominees for the Mr Cellophane Award will be receiving a handwritten card signed by all the Errol staff that says ‘you’re special’ on the front.

Now, who’s hosting the after-party?

Pics. Matt Gillett by Kiki, the rest via Getty Images

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the oh errol awards 2010: the polls have closed!

October 21st, 2010

It’s time! After two weeks of frenzied excitement and general debate/outcry/discussion of the nominees in each category, the voting for the Oh Errol Awards 2010 has finally closed. Meaning it’s time to frock up, remember to shave your legs and get ready for the awards ceremony.

Here’s the deal: meet us back here at 12 midday SHARP when we reveal all the lucky winners. Please note that this year, after the … unpleasantness at the 2008 awards, we will not be serving Long Island Iced Teas. We don’t wanna get anyone banned from the internet the way Todd Carney was banned from Goulburn. See you then!

ps. Lozzy says, bring snacks.

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oh errol awards 2010: the paul newman award

October 15th, 2010

Hello viewers. Kiki here. I haven’t been around in awhile. Terrible form I know. Posts on my Dragons and their premiership and my ridiculous/amazing/life changing trip to Papua New Guinea coming soon.

Onto the business of the day.

THE PAUL NEWMAN AWARD FOR THE HOTTEST OLD MAN IN LEAGUE

Just so you know, I googled ‘hot old man’ to find an inspiring image for this post. All I have to say is GOD PEOPLE ARE GROSS. Thanks for the photos of naked ‘silver daddies’ with boners, you bastards. I can’t unsee that shit.  FML x 1000.

Now I will cleanse my eyes with the gloriously handsome Paul Newman (also known as Hot Old Man patron saint).

Ah yes, much better.

In the least surprising development of the year, I am in charge of the creepiest award category. In the interests of accuracy, let’s go through the nuts and bolts of it all.

a) Hot Old Man does not necessarily mean ‘hot’ . Traditional uses of hot (aka Hot Bitch Cooper) do not always apply here. It’s more…the vibe. It’s Mabo.

b) Hot Old Man does not necessarily mean ‘old man’.  We aren’t talking decrepit walking frame kinda shit here. That’s just creepy, and not in a good way, like everything else I say. I don’t really want to put a defined age on this but let’s say … 45-ish and over.

c) No, we don’t have Daddy issues (… ew). We also don’t have a thing for older men. We just have eyes. Eyes that know a handsome man when they see one.

<

GARY BELCHER

Oh Badge, you hot bitch.  We are old enough to remember the moustached wonder in his prime (see above). No offence to the rest of the nominees but if Badge doesn’t win this, there is no justice in the world.

Sadly, he’s shaved off that amazing mo but his hotness has thankfully been retained. I am going to share with you a little something that happened during the footy season.

FOX SPORTS COMMENTATOR TO BADGE : Not that you would know mate, you never put your pretty face in a scrum.

ANONYMOUS ERROL BLOGGER : I’ll put his pretty face somewhere!

Yeh, I know … we are gross.

So, because we are delightfully inappropriate we enjoy tweeting at Andy Raymond when he’s commentating with Badge saying things like “TELL BADGE HE’S A HOT OLD MAN!”

One day Andy tweeted back with this.

Notice he’s not questioning if he’s hot. IT’S A UNIVERSAL TRUTH.

JOHN CARTWRIGHT

I saved that photo as “HELLOOOO CARTY.jpg” and I think that says it all. Carty is the reigning Oh Errol Sexiest Coach in Rugby League. You can see his reaction to receiving this award here.

What’s that you say? He is hilariously sarcastic AND has enormous guns? Yes, we noticed that too. We always thought Carty was a dirty spunk and then we met him and he is pretty much the most awesome human ever. His interests include : wearing tight t-shirts, mocking us and doing the Angry Cat on the sideline.

One time I made Carty blush. I told him about his gay fans (hi Cronkster!) thinking he’s a ‘hot daddy’ and he went silent, looked at his feet and flushed bright red. The fact this happened in a Canberran food court makes it all the more awesome.

TIM SHEENS

Yes he’s approx 60 years old but WHATEVER. HE IS VERY DAPPER OKAY? I don’t get too flustered around footy people now, but Tim Sheens sends me into a tail spin. Every time I see him around I do something epically embarassing and/or physically hide so he can’t see me … so we have yet to have a proper conversation.

In Port Macquarie for City Country I found myself alone in conversation with Nips Farah and Chris Lawrence. Because I’m me, instead of talking about, I dunno, current events or something, I blurted out “CAN YOU TELL TIM SHEENS I THINK HE’S A BABE?”

Nips raised an eyebrow suspiciously. Chris Lawrence contorted his face into something like the above said “yuck, that’s DISGUSTING” and stormed off in a huff.

Now: vote for your favourite Hot Old Man below, or nominate your own.


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the oh errol awards 2010: the fierce bitch award

October 14th, 2010

Day four, and shit is getting tense in the Errol office. This is the second last Oh Errol award we’re putting up for 2010 and it’s also the meanest. It’s actually the only category in which we can imagine the nominees cutting each other. It’s kind of awesome that way. This, friends, is the Fierce Bitch Award for the Fiercest Bitch in League. Catchy name, huh?

Before you say anything, no IT DOESN’T MEAN THEY’RE GAY. Being a fierce bitch is gender and homo neutral. Angie Harmon is a fierce bitch. Samuel L. Jackson is a fierce bitch. Surprisingly, Meryl Streep is a fierce bitch. Clint Eastwood is a fierce bitch. So is Barack Obama and the Rock and Robert Downey Jr. It’s like being a baller, but with ever-so-slightly more menace.

The easiest way to figure out if someone fits the category of fierce bitch is to put their name in the sentence “It’s Britney … bitch”. If you can imagine them saying it without laughing yourself into hyperventilation, then they are one.

And that sentence pretty much sums up why we love all of these nominees.

ROBBIE ‘NIPS’ FARAH

Never ever mess with a man who owns a schnitzel restaurant. Because:

a) then you won’t get any free schnitzel …. mmmmm schnitzel. Also:

b) that motherfucker has a mean uppercut. Just ask Anthony Watts.

Robbie Farah can pull off a tape headband, berate a referee, cook pizza, milk a penalty without blinking and poke your eye out with his visible nipples. He’s a machine of awesome. It’s Robbie Farah … bitch.

MANU ‘THE BEAST’ VATUVEI

Surely this doesn’t even need an explanation. He’s Manu. He weighs 400 kilos and runs like a cannon. He has two gold teeth and doesn’t need a mouthguard. He’s Manu … bitch.

COOPER ‘ZIP IT’ CRONK

Lastly, the man who inspired this award. Before he took over the Storm Captaincy last year and said those magic words: “Zip it Anthony … ZIP IT”, we didn’t even know footy players could be fierce bitches.

No one bitches out a ref with as much passion as Cooper Cronk (well, maybe Jonathan Thurston, but that doesn’t count if you then get investigated for it). If you’re reading Cooper, we would really like it if you could come down to Errol HQ in the off-season and take over dealing with all of our outstanding debtors and conflict resolution.

He could wear a Madonna-style headset and answer the phone “it’s Cooper Cronk … bitch”.

Now vote, before one of them grabs you by the ear and tells you to zip it.

Pics. Getty Images


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the oh errol awards 2010: the superman award

October 13th, 2010

We realised something today, and it blew our damn minds. Wendell Sailor is allegedly on a ‘twitter-break’ this week. This week also happens to be the exact same week when the Chilean miners stuck underground are being rescued. COINCIDENCE? I think not. It’s a ‘coincidence’ the way it was always so gosh-darn unlucky that whenever Superman appeared to rescue someone in dramatic fashion, Clark Kent was always ‘in the bathroom’ or ‘at the vending machine getting a Kit Kat’ and missed it.

It’s blatantly obvious that Wendell has a excavatin’, miner-resuin’ alter-ego who travels the world saving people in need. He’s like SUPERMAN. For reals.

So today as we get to announce the third prestigious Oh Errol award category for 2010, we’ve decided to name it in honour of Wendell, Superman and Clark Kent.

THE SUPERMAN AWARD FOR BEING BENIGN OFF THE FIELD, BRILLIANT ON IT

Yep, just like ‘Superman’ was super-slick and rocked a blue unitard and totally won Lois Lane’s heart, he had an alter-ego who struggled with life. Clark Kent was softly-spoken, had troubles with the ladies, and for all we know had low self-esteem as well because no one ever appreciated his adorable D-Squared inspired nerd outfits.

This year, there are three boys we’ve picked as embodying the Superman paradox. Sure, when you meet them they seem meek and mild, but don’t underestimate them, y’all. They still know how to kick ass on the field and they did it in 2010.

And sure, you can leave a comment and vote for some other completely random dude, but I will personally guarantee you can’t find anyone more deserving than the Errol nominees for 2010.

JASON ‘FLOSSY’ NIGHTINGALE

You all saw this one coming, huh? You know we love Jason ‘Flossy’ Nightingale more than life. Some people might call him “special” (Phil Gould’s words, not ours), just because he runs with his arms kind of bent like Brick Tamblyn from the movie Anchorman and doesn’t seem to ever brush his hair and looks constantly happy and confused like a human-shaped Labrador. But under those black footy boots that look like Clarks school shoes, Flossy’s a dynamo.

He also plays for New Zealand in International rep matches, and when the media asked him why, his answer went something like:

“I believe you are where you come from, and my family’s from New Zealand. I don’t have any ties to Australia, except I was born here, and grew up here, and went to school here and … um … you are where you come from.”

Maybe that’s why they didn’t award him the Clive Churchill medal for his amazing performance in the Grand Final this year: they were worried about what he’d say in his speech.

LUKE ‘GENERAL’ PATTEN

He’s been a solid fringe rep-grade player for years, a gentleman, and hilarious. But we think his finest moment was his appearance on the Footy Show touching items blindfolded and trying to guess what they were. When he was presented with a goat, he had no idea. And when he took off his blindfold to have a look, he said: “I still don’t know what it is”.

General, we love you just the way you are. Never, ever change.

SHAUN KENNY-DOWALL

So here’s a little story from the Errol vaults. It happened at a Roosters post-game presentation at Easts Leagues Club, the first time we ever encountered him, and it went a little something like this:

Kiki: Hey remember when you did Gods of Football?

Shaun: I never did Gods of Football.

Sassy: No, I think you did.

Shaun: Nah, I didn’t.

Kiki: I swear you did! We wrote about it, and I said you looked like P!nk.

Shaun: …..

Kiki: You were wearing thongs and underwear. I remember it VIVIDLY.

Sassy: Me too! I thought maybe you were worried about tinea.

Shaun: Oh, yeah … I did.

It was as adorable as his recent form has been fantastic.

Happy voting!

Pics. Getty Images, caps by Sadie.



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the oh errol awards 2010: the fuzzy duckling award

October 12th, 2010

Another day, another Errol award open for voting! This one is one we’ve brought back through popular demand: the Fuzzy Duckling award for the Cutest Rookie in League.

If anything, this is the award the Dally Ms are missing. Yes, yes, we can all see that Matt Gillett played a cracker of a year of football. We know because we spent most of them in front of our televisions eating pizza and pointing out that exact fact. But can the Dally Ms tell me whether little Matty is more or less adorable than Matt Duffie?

I think not. Maybe if they could figure out a way to scientifically evaluate cuteness, they would finally make it onto free to air television like the logies. Just saying.

To be honest, cuteness is a tricky thing. For example, there were heated discussions in the Errol HQ breakroom over whether Hep Cahill could be included in this category. Firstly, because we couldn’t remember how many first-grade games you can play and still be a rookie the next year (Lachie looked it up, it’s four). Secondly, because we weren’t sure if Hep Cahill was too hot to be cute as well and had to google “Hep Cahill shirtless” to check. It’s called RESEARCH.

Thirdly, because then we all got distracted and stared into space a little thinking about shirtless Hep Cahill.

Wait … where was I?

Our plan to send in Brett White to collect evidence didn’t work out well as we as planned.
Pic. Getty Images

Whatever, here are the nominees. If your choice isn’t there, remember you can cast a wild card vote in the comments section!

MATT ‘THE PUPPY’ GILLETT

Matt’s hobbies enjoy daydreaming, weaving frangipanni necklaces and taking long drives on a Sunday.


Pic. Canberra Times

JARROD CROKER

If you’re wondering what the result was of the whole Hep Cahill debacle in the Errol office, it was that we remembered one important thing: we actually don’t really give a shit about rules. It’s the Errol awards, we can do whatever we want. And since there wasn’t a Rookie of the Year award for 2009, we’re nominating Crokes for 2010 instead. How could we possibly leave out a man who gets matching highlights with Joel Monaghan and wears a bucket hat without irony?

Back in round 13 when we road-tripped down to Canberra to watch the Raiders play the Titans, Crokes told us he could never ever move to Sydney. The reason? He already thinks Canberra is too big a city. He may or may not have gotten lost more than once in our nation’s capital. Straight. Up. Adorable.


MATT DUFFIE

It’s not easy to win our hearts in a Melbourne Storm jersey. For Cooper Cronk, it took three sustained years of unadulterated fierceness to wear us down. Billy Slater had to lose the World Cup final and be generally hated before we started loving him out of sheer contrariness. But Matt Duffie’s case, it happened the second we saw that hilarious badge. Love!


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the oh errol awards 2010: the mr. cellophane award

October 11th, 2010

Struggling after the first full week since the NRL season ended? Believe me, we are too. Two nights ago I dreamed Tim Mannah dressed up as Aladdin and came with me to a costume party. TRUE STORY. He was wearing the vest and the fez and everything (I was dressed as Jasmine). I took this as a sign from the universe that we needed a way to distract ourselves until the Four Nations started.

Best way to distract ourselves? With everyone’s favourite pointless and slightly offensive awards: the Errols. *

* in no way endorsed by the Estate of Mr. Flynn.

Today, we’re revealing the first category of the 2010 Oh Errol Awards, and asking you to vote for who you think should take it out. There’ll be a new category up every day this week and the big announcement for the lucky winners will be out next Friday. I know, I know, it’s too exciting for words. Intern John-John refuses to even consider that he won’t take something out and is currently practising his acceptance speeches in the powder room mirror. So before he starts making out with himself again, let’s hit the first category, one that’s very dear to our hearts.

THE MR. CELLOPHANE AWARD FOR THE MOST OVERLOOKED MAN IN LEAGUE

Before you ask, maybe I did name this after a song from the Broadway musical Chicago. It’s just how I roll, okay? With glitter, and spangles.

And while I was googling to find the YouTube clip of John C. Reilly singing it, I also found this little piece of internet magic:

OH, DRUNK FRAT BOYS YOU MAKE ME SMILE. But without further hilarious, cling-wrapped homo ado, let’s get down to the nominees.

BEN “HORNBAG” HORNBY

Also fondly known as Captain Courageous by the Dragons faithful. Hornbag is the reigning premiership-winning Captain. He’s a halfback, a general, a stoic. He’s played 85 billion games. In the Grand Final he was brilliant on his feet, his passing was on song and he made some damaging breaks. He was also that dude who held up the trophy at the end.

And do you know who knows these facts? No one outside the Illawarra region. Straight up, Hornbag could appear on a most wanted poster at NRL headquarters and no one would turn him in because he’s Mr. Cellophane in a red and white training tracksuit. As our resident Dragons fan Kiki would say: “just because he’s pale like milk and his eyelashes/eyebrows/facial hair are invisible from a distance!”  That’s no reason to forget Captain Courageous. So let’s all take a moment to say as one: WE SEE YOU, HORNBAG.

MICHAEL “WANG DANCE” ROBERTSON

Oh, Robbo. There’s a certain irony in the fact that the most notorious thing Robbo has ever done was dance naked on national television with his head cut out of screen. What a metaphor for his relationship with the public. Remember when he scored a hattrick of tries in the Grand Final thrashing of the Storm? Yeah, no one else remembers either. And when he offloaded to give teammate Steve Menzies a fairytale farewell final moment instead of taking it himself? Again, no one else does, so don’t feel guilty. Robbo’s the Barbara Hershey to Dave Williams’ Bette Midler, the Jan Brady to his Marcia. I even wrote a post about it, which I assume no one remembers either.

SCOTT “SNUGGLIEST MAN IN LEAGUE” PRINCE

One question: what the HELL does Scott Prince have to do to get back in a rep side? He’s either the second or third best halfback in league along (depending on your personal persuasion) along with Johnathon Thurston and Cooper Cronk. He took home a Dally M award for halfback of the year. But even with JT hobbling around on crutches he can’t get a run in the Maroons or Kangaroos squads. It’s a TRAVESTY. What gives, selectors? Even Prince Scotty the Caramel’s brilliant on-field arguments with referees have taken a back seat this year to Robbie Farah, JT, Cooper Cronk and the bitch-tastic Braith Anasta.

All pics: Getty Images


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Person you wanna vote for isn’t there? Leave it in the comments, darlings.

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the oh errol awards 2008: winners post

December 14th, 2008

You’ve been on the edge of your seats waiting for the Oh Errol Awards winners post, right? I imagine it’s the same sort of anticipation we’re experiencing waiting for 17 Again. And just like how we’re dyyying to see Zeffie in the full glory of his Ed Hardy getup, our fanz are dyyying for these results. Who is the Fattest Man in League? Who will take out Best Hair? The time has come, babies.

But wait, you haven’t announced the Matt Cooper Award for Hottest Bitch in League nominees!?

DAMMIT. You kids and your eye for awards categories – we were hoping you wouldn’t notice. Look, we totally tried to write it. For reals. And then this happened:

lskd

After taking one look at Hot Bitch Cooper naked with a footy strategically placed under his perfectly sculpted man-v, we realised no one can ever beat  (unless he asked nicely) that and the category was therefore null and void. NULL AND VOID PEOPLE.

So after many long, hard (tee hee) nights of  drinking straight from the bottle decision making, we finally present to you:

THE OH ERROL AWARDS 2008 WINNERS

The Marlon Brando (the later years) Award for the Fattest Man in League

The Nominees:

Jarrad Hickey (Bulldogs)
Danny Wicks (Knights) – WINNER
Mark ‘Piggy’ Riddell (Eels)
Adam Cuthbertson (Sea Eagles)
Steve Southern (Cowboys)

Granted, we are totally biased because he’s our beloved intern…but still. How can we go past the jiggling wonder that is Danny Wicks? His gut is HYPNOTIC.

lk

The Fanta Pants Award for the Biggest Ranga in League

The Nominees:

Keith Galloway (Tigers)
Steve Southern (Cowboys)
Alan Tongue (Raiders)
Peter Wallace (Broncos)
Joel Monaghan (Raiders) – WINNER

Okay so he isn’t actually THAT ranga. He’s no bloodnut. More of a ginge than anything. But we have to give Monas this award. He needs some love. Why? Check out his appearance in ‘leading football groupie’ Charmyne Palavi’s News Ltd album:

UNKNOWN MAN. UNKNOWN….MAN. This year alone Monas has played great first grade footy for the Raiders, the Country team, New South Wales AND Australia. Apparently this fact has escaped the gallery compiler. Poor Monas…all that footy and he’s still The Unknown Man. Well not to us! He is the recipient of THE BIGGEST RANGA IN LEAGUE! We love you Monas.

The Polarfleece Award for the Snuggliest Man in League

The Nominees:

Jarryd ‘Baby’ Hayne (Eels)
Issac Luke (Rabbitohs)
Ben ‘Hornbag’ Hornby (Dragons)
Jason ‘Flossy’ Nightingale (Dragons)
Scotty Prince (Titans) – WINNER

Ohhh this was a toughie. But at the end of the day we had to give it to Scotty for the whole My Hero Reads Too thing, among other reasons.

Soz Flossy – if we had a Biggest Labrador in League award you would have won that fo sure. And Hornbag just had a baby…that’s almost enough consolation for losing this category. We guess.

The Des Hasler Award for the Best Hair in League

The Nominees:

Daine Laurie (Tigers)
David Williams (Sea Eagles) – WINNER
Matthew Bell (Panthers)
Nathan Hindmarsh (Eels)
Ruben Wiki (Warriors)

When Davey attacked his hair with scissors in a drunken post Grand Final haze, we all cried some sad sad tears. NOT THE HAIR DAVEY…NOT.THE.HAAAAAIR. For the sake of this award, we are going to pretend that that horrific event never happened. Let us honour the amazing work he (and his hair) did during the year.

l;klk

Dave has the trifecta of awesome hair. Colour, volume and length. It’s godamn perfect hair. Those natural white blonde highlights? AMAZING.  The Errol team is completely obsessed with everything 70s’ and Davey’s hair perfectly epitomises the awesomness of that decade. We hope he grows it back as soon as humanly possible.

The Caramel Delicious Award for the Best Skin in League

The Nominees:

Willie Mason (Roosters)
Reni Maitua (Bulldogs) – WINNER
Scott Prince (Titans)
Ashton Sims (Broncos)
Joel Moon (Broncos)

Bitch had to win something this year.

The Fuzzy Duckling Award for Cutest Rookie of the Year

The Nominees:

Kevin Locke (Warriors)
Marc Herbert (Raiders)
John Kite (Bulldogs) – WINNER
Lachlan Coote (Panthers)
Wade Graham (Panthers)

HE’S JOHN KITE. WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO SAY? Ok granted, this was a tough category too, but the passport story won our hearts and locked this win in.

The Oh Errol Awards will be back next year with a whole new batch of nominees! Or possibly just the same ones as this year with moustaches drawn on to trick you all into thinking they’re different. Coz we’re crafty like that.

IMPORTANT – the ridiculously amazing photo of Hot Bitch is from the brilliant Gods of Football calendar. Don’t be dodgy and rely on scans, go and buy the calendar yourself! We have multiple copies. It’s for a great cause. Let’s support the players for getting nakey for charity and support the brilliant work that the McGrath Foundation does.

So go HERE and find out where you can purchase one. Do it now. NOW NOW NOW!

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meet the nominees: cutest rookie in league 2008

October 22nd, 2008

Only two awards left! Can you believe it? Time sure does fly when you’re pitting footy players against each other.

This week we’re presenting the contenders for the Fuzzy Duckling Award for the Cutest Rookie of the Year. This award honours the baby players that make our hearts explode (Please note the difference between this and the Hot Bitch Award, which makes our pants explode). The children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

And who better to present this category than Errol’s own footy rookie Lozzy? Like Lozzy, these boys have all been thrown into the strange but wonderful land of the NRL – besides Kevin Locke who is actually yet to play a first grade game, but we care not for details.

It should be noted that the Important Research we conducted for this award led us to piccies of this year’s Rookie Camp, where apparently the NRL like to break the boys’ spirits early on with Powerpoint Slideshows:

JOHN KITE

John Kite. Oh John Kite. You warm our hearts with your sunshiney glow of adorableness. Who knew 120kg could be this lovable? Not only did he provide some of the most aww stories of the year when he brought his passport on a trip to QLD, paid his own way to Melbourne after playing the NSW Cup – WITH HIS BOOTS IN CASE THEY NEEDED HIM -, and talked about his 4 sisters dressing him up as a girl (And I thought that shit was genius when Kiki told me she did it to her brother as a kid. It’s even better when the the victim is a future giant), but he just really really loves playing footy:

“Man, I am just happy to be here,” he said. “Playing first grade. This is what it is all about.”

“Playing just one game for them would have been enough to make me proud for the rest of my life.”

We wouldn’t be surprised if he nursed baby birds in his spare time.

MARC ‘With a C’ HERBERT

So we don’t want to brag, but we totally discovered The Herb. He was featured in Kiki’s first ever Hot Man News, where she lovingly referred to him as ‘fresh Canberrean Meat’.

If his strawberry blonde locks weren’t enough to get him a nom, this article would be:

MARC Herbert has no tattoos. No streaks. The kid even moved back with his parents on Monday.

“So, yeah, nothing too exciting,” he smiles. “Although I do grow my hair into a bit of a mop occasionally…but then I cut it.”

“But then I cut it”. TELL IT AGAIN MARC.

KEVIN LOCKE
Apparently there are no pictures of this particular Kevin Locke on the Internets, aside from his tiny Warriors Profile pic. There is, however, this guy – a Native American Hoop Dancer. Unfortunately not the Kevvy we’re after, but he gets a mention anyway because he’s pretty god damn fierce.

To solve this conundrum Kiki whipped up an artist’s impression of what a decent pic of this fuzzy duck nominee might look like:

Bitch is just adorable, ok?

LACHLAN COOTE

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. But he’s your WORK EXPERIENCE BOY! It’s not faiiiiir! Look, we may be a very Serious and Important workplace but there’s just no way we could leave out the kid who thanked all his fans in the interest of equality. Take it up with our complaints department – and by ‘complaints department’ I mean ‘Intern John-John wearing a headset and asking if he can solve your problem with a back rub – your choice of aromatic oil but he recommends Ylang Ylang’.

Plus, those baby blues! AND he’s an apprentice greenkeeper (you know, when he’s not working for us). Sigh. Oh Lachie.

WADE GRAHAM

I don’t actually know what to say about Wade, except have you seen those eyelashes?  I also enjoy these pics of him at rookie camp – look at him listening all attentively. And all those apples! Cute cute cute. Sassy thinks every player gets a whole plate each. I shake my fist at whoever left the apple core on the table though. DAMMIT ROOKIES, USE YOUR MANNERS. TALENT IS NEVER ENOUGH…EVER.

WHO WILL THE WINNER BE? John-John is loading up the Fuzzy Duck prize toybox as we speak, and in the interest of not spoiling any surprises we’ve given Lachie a new silkworm farm to set up out the back. Should keep him busy for a while.

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meet the nominees: best skin in league 2008

October 16th, 2008

[In between preparing for the Irishmen's arrival, Blog Action Day, Movember and in our spare time running around Errol HQ singing "THE WORLD CUP IS COMING, THE WORLD CUP IS COMING!", we realised it's been a while since we did an Errol Awards post. So in true Errol style, we delegated, and got regular Guest Blogger Bree to do our dirty work. Get ready to meet the nominees for this year's Caramel Delicious Award for Best Skin in League.]

That’s right, bitch is back! I know you all missed me, and even if you didn’t, just pretend you did to keep a girl happy. With my return, I bring you a lovely little tale of a little munchkin and his first big solo adventure.

That’s right kids, little Lachie made his first trip to Brisbane … everyone say it with me, aww!! Kiki and Sassy did the obsessive motherly thing, and delivered him safely to the VirginBlue gate and waited, embraced with tears flowing down their cheeks as their little man prepared to board his first solo interstate flight.

Head stewardess Fiona called for all unaccompanied children to report for check in and she took scared little Lachie by the hand and guided him to his seat at the back of the plane. She gave the little munchkin a colouring activities pack, something similar to the one given to SBW and Khoder on their escape flight.

Unlike SBW who struggled to complete the activities pack, smart little Lachie annihilated it in record time and spent the rest of the time chatting up talking to the lovely flight attendants who were, of course totally smitten with our Lachie.

Upon touchdown in Brisbane, Lachie grabbed his bag and bolted off the plane to me, anxiously awaiting his arrival. After hugs and tears all around at the safe arrival of the little man, we made a quick phone call to HQ to inform them of his arrival and then went to work.

Four days later, a few cutesy G rated flicks, and all the children’s sights in Brisbane ticked off the list (as well as all the work things, of course), I bid farewell to Lachie.

Just when I thought the Queensland office was getting back to normal, intern Joel Moon came in, with his bags packed, to bid me farewell. It was a short but marvelous partnership and it is with great sadness that Joel leaves these shores.

It was tres sad watching him leave the office for the last time. Pants off Friday just won’t be the same… ever again. Luckily for me, he is still in the running for the Caramel Delicious Errol, and for him that he has a week with the kids in Sydney before heading to NZ. So fear not kiddies, his association with Errol isn’t over yet!

mmm… caramel

Speaking of which, it is my job to introduce you to the five cuddly kids in the NRL that we all want to make a skin suit out of.

It’s been a grand year for the caramel deliciouseses that grace the NRL, what with Willie Mason going MIA in Origin for … what, the 5th year in a row?  And Scotty Prince breaking yet another bone.

Or Reni Maitua - well he plays for the Bulldogs, need I say more? And Joel Moon who only managed a handful of first grade games, even though he was considered the next big thing by the Broncos.

Oh, and lets not forget Ashton Sims dropping the ball which eventually cost the Broncos their 2008 campaign (not that I blame him, I swear)… But seriously, all this aside, these boys have skin to die for (and of course I mean that it the creepiest most axe murderer-ish way possible).  We love them no matter how indifferent their seasons were.

Me, an axe murderer… Never!!

WILLIE MASON

Blinded by the Blue…

Big Willie (lol, Willie) it pains me to use this photo of you.  It hurts me deeply. The shade of your shirt hurts my eyes.

Coming from the pastiest person you are ever going to meet, believe me making a skin suit out of his gorgeous chocolatey skin would be tres fantastic. However, Willie, don’t for one second think that this means I like you… Because I don’t… You just have beautiful skin, that is all.

RENI MAITUA

If Willie is the Chocolate, Reni is the Mocha of this family of delicious skinned boys.  Mmm, mocha.

Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely not opposed to tattoos, but I feel Reni’s arm full of ink takes away from all of his gorgeous mocha-ness. Bitch please, how can I make a suit outta you when your arm is all inked up?!

SCOTT PRINCE

pic: Remco Jansen/Studio Ultra

Bitch is fabulous, what more can I say?

In keeping with the family theme, I like to think of Scotty as the coffee with a splash of strawberry. He’s got that gorgeous coffee-esque skin, but that added sweetness, which is where the strawberry comes in (if you need further proof as to his sweetness just check out the ‘Snuggliest Man in League’ post).

And fear not, Scotty’s minimal ink isn’t enough to get my panties in a twist, unlike someone else we all know… *cough* Reni.

JOEL MOON

Getting past the sadness of Billy’s last day in office, let us concentrate on the skin that covers that bod of his.

I like to think of Billy as the Milo of the family. Now at first you might be thinking, ‘what the?’ but let me explain. Where adults sit down for a coffee, kids have a milo, no? And with Billy being the youngest of our nominees I think it only fitting that he be considered the junior version of coffee. Now don’t be thinking that because milo is lumpy that Joel has lumpy bumpy skin. Because he doesn’t, he still has that gorgeous caramel skin that is required of our nominees.

Now Billy also has a bit of ink here and there. He’s not quite as inked up as old mate Reni, but there’s still a little bit too much ink for that perfect skin suit… Or are we starting to think, given the number of tattoos on all the contestants that tattoos are no issue for our skin suits?  SO MANY QUESTIONS.

ASHTON SIMS

The only ‘clean’ nominee of the bunch (Wait does this mean he gets the award by default? Or are we not worrying about the tats? Oh wait, actually Errol gets to choose.  But they are open to your suggestions).

Anyway, back to it, let me introduce you to the last family member, Mr Caramel. With his caramelly skin, and charming good looks… oh wait this isn’t a personal ad… my bad!

Honestly, you can see the picture and I am sure you can all see why Ashton has the caramel title.

So. Kiddies. You’ve met them, you’ve seen them, and now you are just going to have to sit tight and wait and see who takes home the Caramel Delicious Errol.

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