Okay. So this is probably the scariest post we’ve ever had to write. But entirely necessary.

First of all, YES WE ARE SERIOUS. STOP LAUGHING PLS. We have been thinking about doing this for aaaaages but been a) too lazy and b) too scared to get started. But now is the time.

How we put this? We are kinda, well … unhealthy. As we’re sure you’ve noticed, none of us here at Errol are exactly clean living individuals. There are two types of people out there : the ones who go jogging at 6am and the ones who stumble home at the same time clutching a kebab in hand, and shame in their hearts. It’s fairly obvious which group we fit into.

Don’t get us wrong, we aren’t complete libertines. We don’t do drugs or smoke or anything. Okay we’ll admit to the (very) odd drunken cigga, but thankfully we’ve only bought maybe 3 packets of Marlboro Lights between us in our entire lives.

But we definitely like the good things in life. Eating, drinking and lounging around. It’s all very ancient Rome at Errol HQ. Intern John John really loves his toga.

To give you a better idea what we’re dealing with, we’ll each explain ourselves:

SASSY -

My current state of gross unfitness and general … squidginess is still kinda new. I blame getting a car, too many glasses of champagne and a few office jobs. I was a sports dynamo (hard to believe, right?) as a teenager. I was all over swim training, water polo, netball, softball and aerobics. I was the year six all-school backstroke champion. I even wore lycra. Shit was intense.

Note: this is NOT the only reason I did water sports. I WAS HEALTHY. I SWEAR.

A few years ago one of my oldest friends announced that I used to have ‘the body of a fierce killer’. Now it’s more like, I dunno, the body of an occasional manslaughterer. Or maybe like, a money launderer. My idea of exercise is walking around in the park while Dolly Parton the greyhound sprints laps, and drunkenly busting moves to Britney, Whitney, J.Lo and Chisel on the dancefloor. Yeah I’m a pretty enthusiastic dancer, but that’s not really gonna cut it in the health stakes.

Hi my future ass!

So in the interests of general health, wellbeing, and being able to prance around in shorty shorts without scarring any small children down at Bondi, Kiki and I are starting Project Health. It’s not like I’ve ever had to shop at a special store or take an escalator cause I just can’t make it up the steps, but I’m definitely not fit and crazy healthy like I used to be. Plus, they keep playing that ad on television. You know the one with the guy who walks down the line towards the camera, then gradually gets old and obese without even realising? That thing puts the fear of god in me. I don’t want to be a grey-haired old man who can’t pick up his kids! HEEEELP!

So we’re trading in Italian takeaway on Super Saturday for running, pilates, and general healthytimes. We have an awesome overseas trip planned in five weeks and we wanna get a big headstart before we enter America, the land of orange cheese, giant coca colas, and Krystal burgers. That stuff is lethal for the bodyfat ratio. WISH US LUCK!

KIKI

I’m not sure if anyone would ever look at me and think YOU BIG FATTIE, but I am definitely not a picture of health. Okay so one time this boy I was with, his psycho ex was staring at us from across the pub and sent him a text message saying ‘KIKI IS FAT, WHY ARE YOU WITH HER’.

Now this is a direct violation of  Girl Law because that bitch is FATTER THAN ME. Girl Law dictates you can only call someone chubby if they are bigger than you. Not only is she at least 2 sizes bigger than me, she also wears vast amounts of flammable material, including pleather. Enough said.

Errr anyway. I should basically be obese. I do NO excercise. And I don’t mean I just go for walks and do yoga … I literally do nothing. Exercise for me is walking from the lounge to the fridge. I also eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I am all about the Easy Mac and the Burger Rings and the late night Maccas runs.

Thanks to the wonder of genetics I have somehow managed to never be bigger than a size 12. It also helps that I have skinny little stick arms and legs so with some clever dressing (thanks babydoll dresses) I can fool people into thinking I’m not a walking heart attack.

However, I feel like absolute shit. I have had periods of fitness in my life but they have never lasted particularly long as I get bored easily. I used to be dancer during highschool and I have all these photos of me in leotards with skinny legs up to my chin. Sigh, those were the days.  Now I look like a dancer who was kicked out of her company for having a drinking problem and binge eating disorder. It ain’t cute.

Basically I’m sick of getting puffed when I walk up the stairs. That’s okay if you’re in your 60s, but in your 20′s…not so much. I would also like to actually see my hipbones again. I miss you old friends!

So I am gonna sacrifice my indulgent lifestyle, get my shit together and become one of those annoying healthy people who points out how many calories there are in Boost smoothies. Yep yep.

So, now you’ve read both our stories you understand why we have decided to do our health campaign publicly. Neither of us are good at following through with things like this. We need to be accountable otherwise it will never happen. So you guys are gonna share this journey with us, whether you like it or not.

We will blogging a few times a week about our adventures into the world of heath and fitnesss, including photos of our attempts at cooking and the details on the ridiculousness of us trying to exercise.

If any of you want to join in with us, that would be awesome. We are super excited to post photos of our sweet sweet abs. Also, if you are hot and have abs, just post them anyway. We love fit-spiration.

You know who you are.

We are sure you posting threatening, harassing and intimidating comments anonymously on Errol makes you feel like an awesome human being. Congratulations.

Pretty simply, what you are doing is illegal. The police have been informed and action is currently being taken against you.

And for anyone else out there that thinks this sort of fuckery is amusing, it isn’t. It is a serious matter and we are treating it as such. If anyone else decides to partake in this sort of behaviour, they too will be reported to the police.

ATTENTION EVERYONE! Did you know it’s Errol Flynn’s 100th birthday?

Yes, that’s right, our legendary hero Mister Flynn would have turned 100 years old today if he hadn’t you know….passed away 40 years ago. Something tells us if he did make it a whole century he still woulda been drinking, womanising and being generally amazing. He woulda made Hugh Hefner look like a deadset amatuer.

Tasmania is currently in the midst of celebrations and needless to say, so are we! Work Experience boy Lachlan Coote is FINALLY over 18 so he is currently sipping on a guava Vodka Cruiser (we offered him light beer but he thinks it tastes ’yucky poo’). Intern Danny Wicks is celebrating by back flipping across the office with party pie in hand.

And as you can see from above, our beloved Intern John-John is paying tribute to Errol’s most famous character, Robin Hood, by wearing nothing but a hat, a mo and a smile. Doesn’t he look dashing? We think Mr Flynn would be proud.

Hi kittens! So, better late than never. We made a (somewhat glorious) appearance in Rugby League Week this month. Appearance in the sense that Steve Mascord deigned to write about us … along with the Fire Up boys. OMGZ WE TOTALLY KNOW THEM. And ‘glorious’ in the sense that the issue had our hero, Wendell Sailor, on the cover.

THERE WE IS:

Click on it if you want to have a read, kids. (PS yes, the scan IS wonky. It’s not your eyes. We may be great at shitty photoshopping and cheap jokes … scanning not so much. We struggle when the interns have the day off. DON’T JUDGE US).

THE COUNTDOWN’S OVER

The time has come!  The countdown’s over! Tooves and his mates are setting off up Everest to play the highest cricket match in history (I still can’t believe it – I think those bitches be crazy).  But they are doing it all for a good, good cause, and I definitely understand that.

Thank you to any of you who had a few pence to spare for Tooves and the boys, and BEST OF LUCK TOOVES, BABY!

You can track his progress at: http://www.theeveresttest.com/trek.html

And if you’re really into it, you can even play the Everest Test GAME:  http://www.stickcricket.com/gameeveresttest.php

MMMM …. JACKMAN

In other COMPLETELY FUCKING AWESOME interesting Errol news, today Kiki and I went out to Cockatoo Island to see a preview of the new Wolverine movie and watch Hugh Jackman fly in by helicopter and flying fox down for his press interviews. Oh, swoooon. Stay tuned for our blogs here and on 2dayfm with all the good, good, Jackman stuff. There’s also some kick-ass recaps coming tomorrow and Friday for your reading pleasure: Dragons vs Broncos and Warriors vs Rabbitohs. Kisses!

Ohhhh this week has been bleak (rhyming is fun). We need to build a friggin emergency ward for our fantasy teams. Perhaps it’s Kiki’s Injury Prone aura that’s rubbing off on the boys?  Whatever it is, (a) WE DON’T LIKE IT and (b) it’s really messing up the Errol office.

The scene in our breakroom right now is like a page from a WWI history book, and all the infirm footy players lolling around and whinging for iceblocks and magazines really gets in a girl’s way when she’s trying to make an afternoon Irish Coffee.

THE WILDCATS

Despite still reeling from Hot Bitch Cooper’s hammy injury, the Wildcats managed an impressive total of 940 points to 842.  Score!

This week was the first week of the head-to-head matches on the Tele’s Fantasy League competition, which means that the Wilcats were put up against ‘Beers at the Cloey’ … just like a real match!  And OUR BABIES WON.

The coach of the Beers, Vitlin, tried to convince us this was some kind of anomaly, and our win was just due to three of his players being stood-down for the match, severely weakening his squad. This, clearly, is bullshit.

In fact, this week we are still without injured fullback Flossy Nightingale and injured winger Manu Vatuvei, and this week we also had no Jamal Idris, who was stood down after getting his punch on breaking up a fight in Wentworthville. Sigh.

It’s just bloody lucky we were able get into the kitchen, redistribute the food, shove in some extra chairs, put Brett Morris on the wing and Krisnan Inu in the centres and get that shit together. (Yes, that was a Clueless reference. Don’t pretend you don’t know it.)

But the bad luck didn’t stop there. Our stand-in fullback, Preston Cambpell, had to be helped off-field during the Titans’ match against the Storm and will be out for another week. And our brave little soldier in the second row, Benny ‘Broken Head’ Creagh, played most of his game with a broken nose.

All in all, with a special effort from Wendell Sailor (thanks Big Dell!), it was a brave triumph for our likeable little Wildcats.

Next week, they take on the Grand Mal Meningas, coached by Anton.  With the return of Prince Scotty the Caramel and Jamal Idris, we’re expecting a blinder. GAME ON, ANTONIO.

THE HOTTIES

So things are pretty tough for the Wildcats, but those bitches have nothing on the Hotties.

Their whole season started badly when our winger Dave Williams was ruled out with an injured shoulder, and has only veered violently downhill since with the loss of Cap’n Hotbitch, halfback Prince Scotty the Caramel, Steve Price (with a throat injury. Really, Steve? REALLY?), and Justin Poore.

Then, oh, about two seconds and nine Fantasy Points into the Raiders game, Sexmachine Trevor Thurling got broken.

[I don't know if it's just me, or if maybe it's just the fact that I woke up at 4.30 am today (TO MEET HUGH JACKMAN) but it's starting to seem like the universe is trying to punish the Hotties for being pretty.

LEAVE OUR BOYS ALONE YOU BITCH. IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT THEY HAVE GORGEOUS, GORGEOUS FACES. - Sassy]

But in the face of overwhelming adversity, throat injuries, inconvenient facial appointments, and the wrath of a cruel and violent universe, the Hotties managed to secure a draw: 764 points all with the Brett Dallas Cowboys, coached by Quigley.

John Williams took over as Cap’n Hot, and with the help of an awesome game from lil Luke Capewell, they thrusted their way to a pretty decent result.

[I should also point out that 1 x Tiny Dancer (aka Jamie Soward) somehow seems to be in this team at five-eighth. Because Lozzy thinks he's a hot bitch. I can't begin to imagine why.  - Sassy]

[I have absolutely no idea how that happened - Lozzy]

Next week, the kiddies take on the E Street Shuffles who have been leading the comp to this point … assuming no more of our players break bones/contract Typhoid/get hit by buses during the week, I think our babies have a chance.

JADEWATCH

Just a brief Jadewatch this week, because we don’t want to make you any more depressed than you already are:

Unfortunately the tiny dancers did not go as well as last week I will need new boys as currently 5 players are out, either injured or in trouble with the law. Grrreeeaaaat.

That really says it all.  Grrreeaaaat.

Our good friend (and dedicated Errol fan) Tooves is doing something kind of amazing. He is travelling with a group of about 50 people to play cricket at the foot of Mount Everest. Yep, really.

Heres the low down -

* They are looking to break a world record for the highest game of sport ever played. FIFA won’t allow games to be played at over 2500m. The game will be at GorakShep, which is 5165m.

* They will be playing a game of 20/20 cricket, with official umpires and Guiness will ratify the record. They will be followed by a documentary crew and also a journalist from The Daily Telegraph (UK). The goal for this trek is to raise £250,000 ($550,000 AUD) split between The Lords Taverners and The Himalayan Trust UK.

* The Himalyan Trust (UK) is the charity Sir Edmund Hillary setup to assist the Sherpa way of life, giving them education and hospitals etc. On the way up, they’ll be stopping at Khumjung School (3800 metres high – setup by The Himalayan Trust) to teach the kids cricket and also stopping off on the way back to donate all our cricket kit used in the match.

Tooves has already paid his own way (Flights, Cricket Kit, Accomm and Sherpa’s Fee’s etc) to the tune of about £3,500, but he also has a personal goal of £1500 to raise or else he won’t be able to go on the trip! So we need to help him along a bit okay kiddies?

Heres all the links you need!

Official Site: http://www.theeveresttest.com
Official Blog: http://www.atestabovetherest.com/
Lords Taverners: http://www.lordstaverners.org/
The Himalayan Trust: http://www.himalayantrust.co.uk/
Tooves’ Blog: http://tooveseverest.blogspot.com

And the most important bit – DING DING DING – Tooves’ donation page.

You can see he’s almost at £1000 so he is close close close. If you possibly can, do your thing darlings! Every little bit helps.

[Apologies to those of you who tried to donate and got sent to a picture of a lady's pretty hair. It's fixed now. We are such battlers. SORRY TOOVES]

You’ve probably been wondering about this all week, right? Thinking, my god, what’s happened in the Errol Experiment? I must know!

Well, no matter how much you’ve thought about it, you are probably nowhere near as nerdy as I am.  I have become honest-to-god obsessed.  In my defence: this fantasy league business is ridiculously complicated and time-consuming and involved and I’M JUST REALLY COMMITTED TO BEING A SUPERCOACH, OK? 

In fantasy league I’m a forward …nyeh!

On Saturday I found myself watching the football and when one of our players yoinked an opposition ball from the air I actually yelled INTERCEPT! Intercepts are extra points in fantasy league!  I was so excited I almost fell off my chair. Clearly I have very little in my life and you can feel free to pity me. 

ANYWAY. Let’s get down to bizniss.

THE WILDCATS

I had a revelation during the week – by which I mean someone reminded me – that there is a totally awesome movie from the eighties where my idol Goldie Hawn becomes the coach of a high school football team despite knowing nothing about football. High-jinks and redemption ensue.  And it’s called WILDCATS.  

So if you’re wondering what I get up to during the week when we’re coaching our team of Wildcats … it pretty much looks like this:

I wear a little whistle and grey marle and  teach them dance routines and they call me Coach Sassy.  It’s awesome. Robbie Farah is quite the dancer, if you’re wondering. He’s got a great shimmy.

Meanwhile I did crack the shits at one point this week after the Roosters’ round one loss to the Raiders. I had a mini-tanty and instead of just eating or drinking my feelings like I usually do, I took it out on the boys by booting Craig Fitzgibbon from the team and replacing him with Nathan Hindmarsh.  (Sorry Fitzy. You know I don’t mean it when I get angry, baby).  

And with Cap’n Hindmarsh having an amaaazing game the Wildcats made it to 856 points.

THE HOTTIE MCHOTHOTS

First of all, as far as I know there is no movie called ‘The Hottie McHothots’ and that is a massive shame. There should be.

This week our team of Hottie McHots brushed their hair 100 times and really lifted their games. Captain Matt Cooper obviously gave some excellent motivation because Steve Price scored 91 points on his HMH debut, and John-John Williams and Joel Moon had crackers too.

Altogether the Hottie McHothots made it to an incredible 773 points. 

They’re still coming last in the league, but maybe that’s because they have low self-esteem because people keep implying they’re halfwits.  Hmmmm? I BELIEVE IN YOU BOYS.

THEORIES SO FAR?

Likeability still has it all over attractiveness. As a shallow person, let’s just say this experiment is not panning out the way I’d hoped/expected.

So this week, after my very mediocre efforts last week, I announced I was giving up consciously trying to get my footy tips right.  Instead I was letting a domesticated monkey pick all my tips from now on.

And thanks to Coco and her shit tips, I only got four right this week.  Four! Out of eight! Apparently she is far more interested in sniffing out bananas and throwing her own faeces than helping a sister out.

Next week: I’m picking my tips from a sack. I will report back.

This round Suchy and Baz have fallen off the pace a little and we have an ALL QUEENSLAND TOP FOUR:

1. Queen B

2. Michael H (Round 2 Winner)

3. Guest-blogging superstar Bec

4. Spinner Howland

All sitting on 12 points … ALL DIRTY QUEENSLANDERS. I blame Coco.

So after round one, we finally have the Oh Errol ladder updated on footytips.com.au. This makes me incredibly happy because I LOVE COMPETITION.  Just one of my many (often unattractive) personality traits.

At present Kiki, Lozzy, Marlo and I are sitting right in the middle of the pack. Mmmm …. medicority. But if you look up the top of the ladder you’ll see:

1. The gorgeous Queen B

2. Spinner Howland, of Jacksonville Axemen fame

3. Suchy, of Fire Up songwriting fame

4. Bec, of lesbian fame

5. The awesome Baz.

All these kids are sitting on 7 tips out of 8, so it’s shaping up to be a close competition. Although somehow Baz has a margin of 24 showing … how did this happen?  I wish I could remember which game we had to enter a margin for, but my guess is this has something to do with the Roosters and Rabbitohs.  Excuse me while I shudder at the memory.

Congratulations B!  Watch your back next week. *creepy smile*