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did you swear this week?

November 28th, 2010

Thursday was annual White Ribbon Day, asking men to swear never to commit, excuse, or remain silent about violence against women.

The Kangaroos did it back during Four Nations:

… but there’s one more thing. Everyone’s favourite immortal oak tree of a forward, Petero Civoneciva, and his Panthers bro Luke Lewis are also official White Ribbon ambassadors this year.

And they didn’t just turn up to the White Ribbon breakfast at Parliament House for a free OJ: Luke Lewis spoke first hand about watching his mother suffer domestic violence.

… you could hear a pin drop amongst Sydney’s power set yesterday when Kangaroo forward Luke Lewis spoke out condemning violence against women.

In front of a room full of 200 people, he then outlined how his mother Sharon had also been on the receiving end of domestic abuse at the hands of an ex-boyfriend – and why taking a stand against it was so important.

So we just wanted to say thank you. Thanks to Luke Lewis for being honest showing us what a real man looks like.

White Ribbon Day was a sell-out but there’s always a way to support them – just go here, kittens. Regular occasionally-comical Errol progamming will resume tomorrow x

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footy observations: romance and pantslessness go so well together

July 29th, 2010

Well someone from the Melbourne Storm’s just become the most popular girl in school!

But first, let’s cover the breaking news stories of the day: Firstly, the Cronulla Sharks continue to win at life. Secondly, FACEBOOK IS EVIL. Apparently the police have warned the footy community that people might steal their identitiez on the interwebs, and Penrith have even banned Facebook and Twitter. Can I just say if they want anyone to travel around with Nigel Vagana and teach the boys how to be safe on the net (BE SAFE KIDS!), they should just send us. We’ll just slap them on the hands with rulers and yell MAKE YOUR FACEBOOK PRIVATE AND DON’T ADD RANDOMS. Done and done.

Now back to the breaking up of the Melbourne Big Four.

Now it’s a given in most people’s minds that, after the whole salary cap debacle, at least one of the Melbourne Storm’s Big Four will have to leave the loving embrace of Globo Gym. It’s just maths … right?

And no, I won’t call them the ‘Fab Four’. When did we start using that phrase? It makes Cooper Cronk, Cam Smith, Billy Slater and GI sound like a reincarnation of the Fab Five on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. This is patently ridiculous, because Cam Smith can’t cut hair, and even Carson Kressley is nowhere near as fierce as Fierce Bitch Cooper Cronk.


I rest my case.

I much prefer calling them the ‘Big Four’. It makes it sound like other clubs are hunting them down for sport, like big game hunters in Africa trying to bag the big five of African animals.

What was my point? I got distracted imagining Greg Inglis with a rhinoceros horn.

Oh right, competition is heating up between the NRL clubs to sort out who gets to take Greg Inglis home. Melbourne don’t want to let him go, plus the Broncos and the Titans both want him. But bitches better watch out, because someone new has stepped into the ring.


…. me? Really? He wants me?
pic. Getty Images

Oh yes, Russell Crowe wants GI for the Souths’ backline.

“He wants him bad,” a source close to Inglis said. “I’m not sure if it will happen but Russell will do what he can to get him there.”

HOW ARE THE OTHER TEAM OWNERS MEANT TO COMPETE WITH AN OSCAR WINNER? Not only does he have blue eyes like a husky and a voice as majestic as the Snowy Mountains, he also has a country estate AND he’s friends with Snoop Dogg. And according to the Tele, Rusty is ready to ‘wine and dine’ Greg, make some conversation about books and movies, order the second most expensive wine on the menu, and order the lobster for him in a chivalrous fashion until GI gives in and signs with the Rabbitohs. And by ‘signs with the Rabbitohs’, clearly I mean ‘takes his pants off’.

GI has since denied the whole story, but …. he would, wouldn’t he? This is Russell Crowe, after all. For all we know his phone calls have caveats of silence on them, like the CIA.

And our advice to GI is to play hard to get. That way hopefully he gets more play dates with Rusty. Genius, right? That’s what we’d do, anyway. Remember Rusty’s gladiator thumb (at the game where his Rabbitohs crushed my Roosters)? That was AWESOME. Russell is pretty much our favourite human ever, which is why we always defend him vehemently against the Fire Up! boys and hope to one day be loaded enough to follow his example and own our own footy teams. If Greg plays his cards right he could live our dream of being Russell’s bestie.

And if Sam Burgess is reading – who am I kidding, he totally is – don’t worry babe! We’re sure he still cares about you, too! When he took you to that movie set last year and told you Souths needed you, and only you, he totally meant it. He really does think your accent is adorable, and that you have a great tan and a beautiful smile. He just wants the freedom to see other people as well, you know?

And on the topic of pantslessness: remember last year when the Tigers had some kind of club-wide reading group going? The one where you could totally tell that Tim Moltzen was reading Sophie Kinsella’s ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’? Good times.

Well this year, it seems like the Tigers have moved on from encouraging kids to read good, and moved onto spreading the gospel of pantslessness. Now THIS is something everyone at Errol HQ can get behind. Heh, behind. We totally support the Tigers’ efforts to end the tyranny of pants!

Nips Farah tries to start a locker-room pants off revolution ….

… and Chris Lawrence takes it to the set of the Footy Show.

We love the Tigers’ Crusade against Pants almost as much as we love the news that JAMAL HAS HIS FIRST ACTING JOB. Not only is he gonna be on the Footy Show, he’ll have a guest spot on ‘Cops’ with Gary Sweet. Congratulations, Jamal baby! Our dream of seeing Jamal remake ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’ is getting closer and closer every day.

Now why don’t you take off your pants and tell us where you think GI will end up?

Thanks to the awesome Cronkster and Smithyman for the caps!

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errol tv: easter show shenanigans

April 14th, 2010

WHAT UP ERROL FANZ!

We are absolutely bloody exhausted right now. We spent the entire day at the Easter Show, most of that time was spent on the cattle lawn with NRL players and really cute kids. And wow, that lawn provided a powerful stench. It also provided Kiki with Embarassing Life Moment #567

Servo dude – “Busy day today?”

Kiki – “Yeh, I was working at the Easter Show. I had to go home and have a shower coz I smelt like poo.”

Servo dude – “…..”

Kiki – “I MEAN COW POO. NOT HUMAN POO. GOD.”

We’re also pretty proud, cause today is a big day bitches. Today is the WORLD PREMIERE OF ERROL TV. We have been talking about it for ages, creating videos just for Errol. But because we are us, it’s taken about 6 months to turn ideas into reality. But finally, we did it! Hoorah!

We are dedicated to our Errol readers. We will even spend a day in a tent that smells of shit.  Behold, the debut of Errol Tv! Featuring us and our double chins, Kiki’s unbelievably bad hair, Rhys Wesser, Luke Priddis, Trent Waterhouse, Roosters cuddles and a Tiger who really really loves hot dogs. Please know that when Sassy says ‘fans’, she does it with irony. And please watch out for the ARL dude running a training drill while smashing an entire ear of corn on a stick. Legend.

Apologies from Kiki re – the whole ‘I can’t be bothered doing my makeup so I’m gonna wear giant Top Gun sunnies that look terrible on camera’. It won’t happen again. Live and learn people.

Other highlights of the day, sadly not all of them caught on film, included:

* Mario Fenech burning Sassy: “you’re a funny girl, but not intentionally”.

* Mario telling us we were the best looking media there. Considering everyone else was a dude, this isn’t much of a compliment. BUT THANKS MUZ! We love ya.

* Sassy pretending to kick Andy from the NRL, only for him to literally flinch in fear. Awesome.

* We found ourselves needing a break from the poo smell. We soon discovered a place that served margaritas. Kiki asked “can we have one? is it 12pm yet?”. Sassy responded “11.40am, close enough. It’s tequila time.” Mmmm … frozen daytime alcohol.

* Kiki being so upset by Luke Priddis telling her she is too old for a Disney Princess showbag, she ended up buying a Tinkerbell stationery one instead.

She does love her new Tink pencil tin and matching Tink crayons (and created Sassy a truly spectacular artwork for her fridge) but deep down she really wanted a plastic tiara. DAMN YOU LUKE PRIDDIS.


And look how happy Sassy looks. Kiki missed out like WOAH.

* Luke Priddis redeeming himself by telling Kiki her Dragons necklace was ‘beautiful’ during their interview. Well spotted L.Pridd.

* Seeing Isaac Luke exiting the Milking Barn. Apparently he is really into dairy.

Make sure you comment and tell us what you think x

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women in league round – the power of pink

June 16th, 2009

l,

OH HAAAAAY!

Miss me? Thought youse did! God knows I haven’t blogged in awhile. To be honest, I’ve had an existential crisis of sorts. Okay ‘existential crisis’ makes it sound all intellectual and life changing. Basically I’ve been wearing my velour dressing gown more than usual and shuffling around the house thinking SHIT SHIT SHIT I CAN’T WRITE ANYMORE.

Anyway, what better week to make my return than the deliciously pink Women in League Round? YAY! I suprisingly enough, love love love pink! As has been well established on Errol, I am not all that girlie. In fact the other day my hair dresser described me as a ‘sporty tomboy’. Which is completely lolz because the last time I did something even remotely sporty was get hit in the head with a footy in Year 9. Fuck me sideways ,that HURT. To this day whenever I’m at a game and someone kicks for touch I dive for cover under Sassy’s fro. Fro of steel!

lk

Anyway, I can’t walk in heels, I sit with my legs open like a dude and I reguarly find unintentional dreadlocks in my hair but godamn I love the colour pink. In fact I’m writing this blog from my delightfully pink laptop right now. So needless to say I am all over the idea of a whole WEEK of pink! Especially when it benefits breast cancer research. Some heinous cynics have dismissed it as a ‘marketing exercise’. Well to put it as eloquently as I can…STUFF THEM.

How can anyone hate on this? I mean really. It’s giant boofy football players with PINK FACIAL HAIR. This shit is amazing. We can’t decide which one is our fave! Love Hall for his finite work on the goatee, Stewart for the fact he came up with the idea and Robbo because it’s just so damn ironic. Robbo is the sad clown of the NRL (have you noticed how completely maudlin he looks on the field this year?) and seeing him sporting something so ridiculous has made our year.

And of course, rugby league’s most famous beard had to get involved.

;k

In fact there’s not much ‘The Wolfman’ ISN’T involved in at the moment. Bitch is everywhere. We are considering requesting some sort of finders fee from his manager, for realz. We discovered his awesome in 08 literally months before the mainstream media. Godamnit, it’s rough being ahead of the curve.

As you can see, in his quest to become the cheesiest player in the NRL, he not only pinked up his beard also inexplicably dyed his moustache jet black. WHY DAVID, WHHYYYY?? The bright pink beard wasn’t crazy enough for you? Oh, honey….no. Lucky we love you.

All that aside, huge Errol props the Manly boys for sacrificing vanity for a good cause.

Now onto the Panthers. I knew they were going to wear pink uniforms this week but godammmmmn they were PINK. Jerseys, shorts, socks, shoes…even headgear.Everything was pink. It was a team of straight up MUSK STICKS.

Matt Muskington sucessfully makes his debut for the Penrith Panthers

Not only did the Panties rock out in glaring pink, they also grew beards to raise awareness for breast cancer research. Whoever came up with this idea – you are Awesome. And yes it deserves capitalisation. Because if there’s anything we love more than a footy player with a beard, it’s a footy player with an altruistic beard.

Without such charitable exercises how would we know that youngins like Wade Graham can suprisingly cultivate such luxurious beards? And how would we know who Shane Elford was? Never noticed him when he was clean shaven, but as soon as his beard started to come through HELLLOOOO LOVER.

(Yes I could have picked a photo of WG with his tongue actually in his mouth….. but it’s funnier this way. Sorry, Wade.)

Sadly for my tips, the Panthers lost. But it did mean I got to giggle at Daniel Mifsud’s cheap jokes about the ‘pink panties going down’. Hehe…panties. (yes THAT Mifsud)

lk

Now, onto the Most Lovably Awesome Team In The Universe, the mighty mighty Dragons! WHEEEEE! My babies busted out the Pink V once again to honour both women in league, and the Joanne McKay Foundation. Last time they wore the pink I made some predictably distasteful jokes about lady vees. This year I have decided to class it up a bit. Okay, that’s a lie….I just don’t like to recycle jokes. UNLIKE YOU WIL ANDERSON.

Sometimes I think the Dragons sit around and think up ways to make me love them even MORE. Shit is getting ridiculous. As if my boys playng brilliantly in baby pink wasn’t enough, the adorable bitches decided to kick it up a notch with a giant on field love in. Look at that photo! It’s like pure distilled joy! HOT BITCH COOPER IS SMILING. He never smiles! (Notice the ass grab on B.Moz. Respect Coops, respeecccct.)

In fact, my teams display of public affection has inspired me. I am going to launch a range of romantic greeting cards with their images on the front. Oh Kiki, you’re crazy you say? Oh no….no I ain’t. Check this shit out.

l

Oh yeh, I am gonna be so rich.

Massive love to the NRL, One Community and everyone involved in the Women in League initative. It actually lasts until the end of June, and we have been invited as guests of the CRL to a dinner on Wednesday night to further celebrate the contribution of women to the game.

We have it on good authority that the NSW Blues may be there. I can’t promise I won’t get drunk, latch onto Justin Poore’s ankle and scream PLS DON’T LEAVE THE DRAAGGGOOOONS. Personally, I think dragging me along behind him as he tries to escape would make for excellent strength training. Yep.

(Pics from Getty Images, League HQ and the wonderful BS)

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way out west where the rain does fall

May 27th, 2009

lk

That’s right, babies, this year isn’t just the Errol’s Year of Regional Australia. We are also trying to be less one-eyed and lazy and get out to games that aren’t at the SFS/don’t involve our teams. This is tricky, because we already usually have to go to two games, and our friends are already whinging about us disappearing for 26 weekends every footy season. SORRY GUYZ! You’re welcome to come to Super Saturday at Sassy’s house if you like? You can even jump under the blankie with us!

First stop: Campbelltown for the Broncos vs Tigers. Or as we like to call it, C-TOWN! YEAH!

[When I was trying to organise this, Sassy said 'Yes of course I'll come. Now ... where is Campbelltown?'. No shit. Obviously our horizon expanding year was more necessary than I realised. - K]

lk

The majesty of the Formule 1 is unmatched

Anyway, we imagined popping out to C-Town on the M7 for some partytimes at the game, and a bevvie at the Leagues Club afterwards with the lovely Julianne … apparently the Universe had other plans. These plans involved us sitting in roadworks for 2 hours in the pouring rain and missing the entire first half of the game. Then sitting in the hallway of the Formule 1 ($49 hotel rooms! awes!) for half an hour while they tried to open the door to our room. Um … sorry Tigers. Truth is,  it’s we who suffered the most by missing the Troublesome Spectator who tackled Jared Maxwell. It’s not the same on TV.

So instead of cheering on the Tigers to a (narrow) loss while being soaked with rain, we just had drinks at the leagues club. Honestly? Yeah we’re pretty ok with that.

Daaaaamn Wests Leagues Club is pumping on a Friday night. It’s all pimped out with orchids and fountains and young people all snazzed up with their iPhones. It’s like being in Vegas, or something. It even has that vague smell of perfume and fountain chlorine like Vegas hotels do.

Apparently Easts Leagues Club hasn’t really heard about stuff like flowers and piccolos of champagne and … people under 40. They’ve only just caught onto the Yum Cha trend. The highlight of the Leagues Club was Kiki spotting the stupendously gorgeous Tigers rookie, Blake Ayshford (member of the Hottie McHotHots), and getting so flustered she spilt champagne all over herself AND Sassy.

And unless you wanna hear about Kiki’s 1 hour romance with an handsome ex-con, rocking out with 18 year olds, or Sassy’s giant stack that earned her a free drink from the Camden Hotel that’s kinda all we can say about that night.

lk

So we moved onto Plan B. A Saturday evening spent with the Roosters,  Panthers and our Orange BFF Tige at CUA stadium in Penrith. Or ‘at the foot of the mounntaiiinnnsss’ as Ray Warren likes to say. Heart Ray.

Once again it was – to use the proper meteorological term – pissing the fuck down.

Which leads us to ask: James Blundell, why do you lie? For most of our childhood he and James Reyne told us it was “way out west where the rain don’t fall“. This is clearly untrue.

WHY DO YOU LIIIIIE? (PS – cracker of a song though)

So turns out CUA Stadium is kind of fantastic.  Yep, really. We would talk about the actual game, but that would mean Sassy has to accept the fact that her beloved Chookies are completely shithouse. And she’s just not ready to do that yet. Close your eyes and think of the Love Shack, Sassy! We do have to admit though that Jennings is a fucking delight to watch.  We adore all the Panthers, and we did discuss Petero/Shane Elford’s strength on the wing/Lachlan Coote’s toughness … but mainly, it was Jennings. Watching him with the ball is almost as exciting as High School Musical. Almost. We are excited/terrified to see him play in Origin.

Reasons Footy In Penrith is Tops-

* Easy access to gambling. Is there anything better than a TAB in a caravan? We say no.

k

* Oh wait, there is something better….A SAUSAGE SIZZLE! A snag sandwich and drink combo for 7 bucks. You don’t get this kind of value in the Sydney city limits. At the SFS that same 7 dollars would buy you approx 3 and a half undercooked hot chips.

* The glorious, glorious hill. It ain’t really footy without a hill. You know it’s true. The one in Penrith is downright LOVELY.  Even when we had to buy ponchos to sit on we still didn’t regret buying GA tickets. By the way, sitting on wet grass during a rainstorm = slowly sliding downwards. To stay still is rather difficult on the ass muscles. Thanks for the buns of steel-esque workout CUA!

lk

* The announcer has excellent taste in music. Every time Jennings makes a break he whacks on Greased Lightning. AWESOME. Then there’s the way he plays 50 Cent’s In Da Club whenever the Panthers score a try. That alone is amazing, but add to that the fact they have whacked in a recording of people singing LETS GO PANTHERS…LETS GO to the tune of the song. Best.thing.ever.

(Apologies to Tige for busting out embarassing dance moves every time music was played. We just can’t help ourselves)

* Being so close to the action. It’s so … well it’s old school. So many of the stadiums these days are so far removed from the boys it’s almost a waste of time to go see the games live. Whats the point of footy if you can’t hear the OOOOOOF when they run into each other? More importantly, what’s the point of footy if you can’t see Hottest Bitch in League 08 Nominee Matty Bell stretching his hip flexor right in front of you. HELLO ASS!

And that’s about it. Despite getting soaking wet (heheh..wet) we totes had fun frolicking in Sydney’s west. Next stop – Canberra. Watch out T.Camps!

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footy double up: burgers and biff

April 16th, 2009

You know when you’ve tried on too many outfits and all of a sudden everything looks like shit and I’M JUST NOT GOING OUT. I DON’T EVEN CARE. I AM A WILDEBEEST ANYWAY.

Well, I am kinda like that with football this weekend. I watched every match … so any recap would just be not good enough cause my tiny tiny brain can’t remember everything that happened. I’m thinking let’s just give up on recaps, eat the last easter eggs rolling around in the kitchen drawer, and do a half-and-half post again. Yes? Sweet. Mmmmm easter eggs.

Incidentally, did anyone else literally have to undo their pants on Easter Sunday? Religious holidays are such hard work.

EELS VS DRAGONS

Make sure you don’t share any of your left over Easter bilbies with Parra, just by the way.  As soon as we got all excited about the Eels boys getting on the Slimfast during the off-season, all of a sudden they’re on their way to being fattie mcfatfats again. I detected a definite … squishiness as they were milling about on the field. Is there a KFC next to Parra stadium? Does Daniel Anderson train footy players the same way you train puppies? With cubes of cheese and bacon jerky?


Roll over, Hindy!

Whatever it is, it’s not working people. Not even Nathan Hindmarsh’s magical mane of victory could help the boys win on the weekend. I thought that Fui Fui Moi Moi’s cornrows might help, but sadly no dice with that either. Although it did give me the mental image of Fui Fui Cornrows and Steve Matai sitting around during the week doing each others braids, which is awesome.

I liked it so much better when Parra were trim and winning things. Although it does mean that when Kiki and I were lolling about on my couch watching Super Saturday and Feleti Mateo fumbled the ball, she got to scream out ‘IT’S NOT HIS FAULT! HE HAS CHEESEBURGER GREASE ON HIS HANDS!’

Mmmmm … cheeseburger.

Actually, I can’t include Eric ‘renaissance man’ Grothe in that, cause he looks kinda buff. So buff that he might actually turn into the hulk if I take the piss out of him again.


That Sassy implying I went to special school makes me SO ANGRY

Lucky for me he directed his anger at Neville Costigan on the field (ie. in a hot way) as opposed to at me (the painful way).  Biff! I know it’s wrong but I just love biff. Especially when it means I get to see Hornbag being a Good Captain and breaking things up and B. Moz being kinda freaked out and just loitering around the edges. Don’t worry! That’s how I fight too, B.Moz!

Clearly the Mozes are lovers not fighters. I say there’s a reason why Nature gave you such long, long legs to run away.  Those Morris twinnies are the Nadja Auermann of footy. When B.Moz made a break down the left wing and the ref called him back I thought he might end up in a giant heap tangled in his own legs like Bambi.

Meanwhile it’s fair to say I was confused and outraged by Jeremy Smith being sin-binned for a professional foul on Luke Burt. WHERE WAS THE FOUL? I usually don’t care much about refereeing decisions when it’s not my team but this was crazy. Sir, I swear, he didn’t do anything! I even started ranting to Kiki about why can’t the video ref just intervene to stop the injustice?  You know, just pick up his special VRef phone – kinda like the batphone – and tell the Referees ‘Oh, honey no, that’s just wrong’.

Because apparently in my mind the video referee for this game was Karen Walker from Will & Grace.


Obstruction! No try!

I may have to start a Justice for Jeremy Smith campaign to clear his name. I will also start a ‘is Jez Smith hot?’ campaign to figure out what the hell is going on there.  Now that he’s not wearing Storm colours any more I have started to find him oddly …. handsome. Anyone else? Just me? Talk amongst yourselves, then.

But the highlight of the game, as always, was Dell. Wendell never disappoints. When he put a huge hit on Krisnan Inu, we screamed ‘WHERE’S YA MORMON GOD, NOW?’. And when the Drags won the game Dell pointed at me through the camera. He totally did and nothing you say will change my mind. Awesome just gravitates to awesome. You can’t argue with science.

PANTHERS VS STORM

Pic. Getty Images

So like we expected, the Storm were all up in Work Experience Boy Lachlan Coote’s bizness like they were with Preston Campbell. They always go for the littl-uns … chasing them down like they’re the weak gazelle. But luckily we are forward-thinking employers and we have been training Lachie in the off-season to hold his own with the art of self-defence; out on the Errol terrace pumping Eye of the Tiger and practicing karate moves.

Little Lachie got so confident that he even went the push and shove on Soulglo Inglis in the in-goal area. Lachie! Starting fights! It was kind of amazing, not gonna lie. All our brainwashing to be anti-Storm must have really sunk in.  Next step: Lachie takes out the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

We kinda forgot to warn Lachie though that Inglis is a massive monster of a man this season. Bitch is stacked. As he grabbed Lachie by the collar there was a look of terror. More training needed. At least he remembered to stop, drop and roll when the real fight broke out.


With Inglis involved, this could turn into a whole new form of jelly-wrestling: Soulglo wrestling.

But the best bit of all – and who thought there was something better than biff? – was that Soulglo recovered from the fight, and before he could get back into the game, had to  re-wet his hair with a trainer’s bottle. HE RE-WET IT. CAN’T LET THE HAIR DRY OUT.  

And for all the Errol readers who like the hair-updates, I’ll leave ya with Anthony Quinn and his new hairstyle: the Krisnan Inu.  Mmmmm Mormontastic.

Thanks to the lovely BS, as always, for his awesome caps.

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two-for-one recap: remedial footy and rain gods

April 2nd, 2009

No proper recap from me this week. Instead you get two incoherent rants about two different games smooshed together to look like one.  Oh, you wanted a comprehensive game run-down? Well:

a) I was hungover for one of these games, and

b) it’s my blog and I’m lazy.

So you better like what you get or I will kick you in the shins.

EELS VS RAIDERS

Aah I love when these two play.  It’s a bonanza of retro!  Clearly Marc Herbert and Terry Campese have taken time out from their busy schedule of signing up for World War I to be here, and Nathan Hindmarsh and Joel Reddy have kindly time-travelled from the seventies to make it a fair competition.

I actually mistook Reddy for Hindy when he was gossiping in the corner of the changeroom with Eric Grothe, Jr before the game, which obviously means his mop is coming closer and closer to the awesomeness of Hindy’s.  Close … but not quite.


Pic. Mark Evans

Captain Hindy of the Wildcats has brought a whole new game this year in terms of hair.  BEST HAIR EVER, RIGHT?  We say yes.

Coincidence that this Best Hair Ever has Parra sitting at number 7 on the ladder with two wins out of three?  Coincidence that Joel Reddy seems to be playing better than ever now that he’s gone the mop?  You can’t argue with Science, people.  You can’t argue with Science.

Ok so I haven’t quite figured out where Fui Fui Moi Moi’s new mullet fits into this theory, but I’m working on it, babies.  I really am. I even have my lab coat on as we speak.


Disclaimer: may be stand-in science lady and not actual Sassy

Do you know what though?  There’s something better than the Parra festival of Kick-ass Seventies Hair … the comeback of Eric Grothe, Jr.  That’s right bitches, GROTHE IS BACK.  It’s THE RENAISSANCE OF GROTHE.


ME SO HAPPY.
Pic. Mark Evans

Renaissance is the perfect word too, cause Guru isn’t just the comeback kid of Parra … he’s also – as Suchy reminded us the other day – the lead guitarist of Three Day Grothe AND lead singer of Shinobi.  Bitch doesn’t just play footy, he’s a musician. And – get this – a comedian.  Three Day Grothe … see what he did there?  Eric Grothe, Jr is pretty much a Renaissance man. Bet he plays chess and studies archaeology too.

The Errol office was filled with glee when he put down the match-winning try. SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE TO GO BACK TO RESERVE GRADE!  SOMEONE GETS TO STAY IN FIRST GRADE WITH THE BIG BOYS!

How does it feel, Eric?


… Aw yeah, pretty good. I’m excited to get to use proper pencils and pieces of paper with corners again.

And is there a particular reason you’re not wearing a shirt for this interview?


Not allowed to have proper shirts in Reggies, only jerseys. Coach says we might pull the buttons off, try and eat them and get choked.

The only failure in this game was that Canberra couldn’tquitemanage to bring back the scrum-split for a try.  Next time, darlins.

 

SEA EAGLES VS PANTHERS

As Kiki said, even though it COMPLETELY ruined our tips (thanks for nuthin, Sea Eagles) we loved seeing the Panthers get up at Brookvale.  And not just because our favourite Baby Panthers Lachlan Coote and Wade Graham were total stars.

Pic. Phil Hillyard

Yes, we did discover them.  Feel free to send us royalties of some kind.

It was also a massive game of firsts. First time that Steve Matai busted his hair out in a curly ponytail, first time we ever saw work experience boy Lachie pack into a scrum. (Which didn’t go too well, if you were wondering. Think: “LACHLAN. GET YER HEAD IN”.)

Also the first time Des Hasler got so incredibly enraged that he affected the physical world.  We are massive fans of Des Hasler’s Rage.  One of my personal highlights of the 2008 season was seeing Dave Williams fumble the ball and Dessie scream ‘MOTHERFUCKER’ from the coaching box.  We are also massive fans of his full and feathery head of golden hair. Which is why I especially love it when he spews a tirade into the coaching mike then concludes it by whipping off his headset and shaking his mane as if to say AND THAT’S ALL THE ABUSE YOU GET.  Oh, Des.

I would actually like it if they could somehow organise for there to be a Dessie-cam every time I watch Manly play on tv. Just a little Dessie-cam box down in the left corner. That Monday night game was a festival of fumbles and penalties and general no-no times and for every single one that happened we screamed out from the couch to see Dessie’s reaction. ‘Cut to Des!’ we cried. ‘SHOW US DESSSIEEEEEE!’

Dessie just really cracked it this time.  It’s no coincidence that it started pissing down at Brookie precisely as Des was giving his halftime speech and/or silent treatment. You can trust me on that, cause I have a lab coat.

It was raining so bloody hard Matai had to put his hair in a bun. That bitch Hasler has found a way to channel his fury and control the weather.  He’s a weather god … like THOR. Cept instead of a hammer he has a headset.

You know those boys know what they’re in for too. I swear little Shane Neumann is looking up at the coach’s box in terror.

Michael Robertson on the other hand … well he pretty much looks like that all the time now.

See?

We’re getting kinda Concerned about Robbo, to be honest. With Brett Stewart out, Robbo’s been shunted back to fullback.

And if you look really closely in his eyes, every time one of the wingers does something good, Robbo sees his spot on the wing slipping away and dies just a little bit inside. Same thing whenever Adam Cuthbertson does something good and people discuss how he has a rocking Wolfman beard now. Especially the same thing whenever Robbo fumbles the ball or passes across the sideline to an imaginary man and has no no times.

If you’re wondering I also missed some of the game because at one point the commentary team said Shane Neumann “just found himself in an awkward situation on a wet evening” and I giggled for ages.  Who HASN’T, Shane.  Who hasn’t.

 

And lastly I wanna introduce a Brand New Errol Superstar. We were always Michael Gordon fans, but that was before he went ahead and grew a moustache.


I wonder if the Errol girls will like my new mo?

Well actually, more like I realised he was hot last year, then completely forgot he existed during the off-season because I have a memory like Swiss cheese. Although apparently I am very consistent in my taste in men because I thought the same thing all over again this year.  I win at life!

It’s just like the time I sauntered over and cracked onto a cute scruffy blond boy at the Brighton Bar, only for him to tell me I had done exactly the same thing and pashed him the week before. OOPS. On the bright side he didn’t seem to mind.

Anyway. God knows there’s nothing we love more than a man with a mo … and we’re 99% sure he grew it specifically to be on Errol.

UNCANNY! It’s like he is Errol Flynn. Well we love it, baby. Thumbs up, Mister Gordon.

Thanks to the lovely BS for the MG and Eric Grothe caps. Check out the whole blog, why don’t ya?

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21 

footy observations- death cough, B.Moz and baby panthers

April 1st, 2009

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Helllooooo chickens!

Apologies for the lack of posting lately. I’ve been struck down by some sort of ghastly death cough and have been struggling to breathe/walk/live for the past week. I am starting to think Greg Inglis might have constructed some sort of Kiki voodoo doll and been sticking pins into the tiny tiny doll lungs. Seriously Gregory, it’s a bit much isn’t it? Just because I bag out your bizzarely oily hair, publicly accuse you of being a traitor to your state (YOU’RE FROM NSW AND YOU KNOW IT BITCH) and loathe your team…do I really deserve this sort of vengeful treatment?

Anyway Mister Soul Glo, I get the point okay? Lay off doll Kiki for awhile will ya? For the love of god LET ME BREATHE AGAIN. Thx.

(Note that is my hair photoshopped onto a voodoo doll. I know I know, I am clever and hilarious.)

Anyway,  am one sick lady right now. Unfortunately last weekend was booked chock full weeks in advance and because I am loyal, brave and generally amazing I refused to cancel anything. Ain’t no way I was ditching Lozzy’s birthday, supporting Sassy and her woeful Chookies and most importantly (sorry girls) … my beloved Dragons returning to Kogarah.  R2K BABYYYYYY!

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Ohhh my it was amazing. The refurbished stadium looks absolutely stunning and the atmosphere was electric. Yep, electric. Lets break it down shall we?

1) We had seats in the new grandstand which had the greatest view of the hill (and the footy obvs). It was bathed in glorious red and white, with only a small section of those filthy Sharks fans polluting the scene.  The first try we scored the crowd went WILD and I well….well I got goosebumps. Actual goosebumps. I showed the girls and they mocked me [I did NOT! I said 'awww'. I get goosebumps during TV season finales. We all have our things - L]. I was mortified until Sassy reminded me of that time when we both got goosies while listening to Wes Carr’s NRL theme song in the car. Yes, we are really that lame.

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2) Kogarah is such an incredible ground that Sassy has decided she is going to cheat on the Roosters and have an affair with the Dragons. Did you hear that Chooks? You drove her to footy adultery! We are currently in the process of signing her up to get a Red V membership and everything. I’m not joking people. (The fact that being a Red V member means you can go to after match functions and stalk the Big Dell is only approx 56% part of the reason she’s joining)

2) The demise of Hot Bitch Cooper. NOOOOO! I promised Lozzy an uninterrupted view of Hot Bitch for her birthday, but his hammy made a liar out of me. You see readers, seeing him on TV is one thing….but in person it’s a whole other thing. TV doesn’t capture the way he prowls around the field like he owns the bitch or bends over during plays (hello ass!). It definitely doesn’t capture his ridiculously intense sex-is-on-fireness. [I think seeing Hot Bitch in person is kind of a rite of passage. Sort of like the Bar Mitzvah or Deb Ball of Rugby League - L]

We were all soooooo sad times. Let’s console ourselves with some my own Hot Bitch photography shall we? I took these during the Titans game. There’s alot of ass because we were sitting behind the goal posts. Also, I am a pervert.

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Ahhhhh yes. V.nice.

4) B.MOZZZZZZ! Oooooh we are so proud of you baby! We are absolute Morris twin freaks here at Errol. I cried sad sad tears last year when I realised they would be separated (THANKS GASNIER GRRR). My sadness was compounded this year when Bretty wasn’t named in the starting line up for the first two weeks. What an absolute bloody JOKE. I was outraged, as was everyone in the Errol office.  Even more upsetting was the fact a small percentage of Dragons (ones I don’t like…boooo!) fans took this opportunity to lay into him, call him mean names and imply he’s useless.

Well after the weekends awesome performances may I just say – NOT SO USELESS ANYMORE HUH BITCHES. SUCK IT HATERS.

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He had a ripper of a game. He was all line breaks and big runs and awesomeness. And….look at that face! It would make angels weep! I think I used that expression for Shillo last year, but clearly it is even more applicable here. Anyway, Bretty is getting another run against Brisbane this Friday night and needless to say we will be cheering him on in our loungerooms. If we weren’t so lazy we would totally hit Lincraft, get busy with some glitter glue and sequins and whip up some handmade  WE LUV YOU B.MOZ t shirts. [And can I just say, I may not have got to see much of Hot Bitch for my birthday, but I did get some Bretty. THANKS UNIVERSE! - L]

Okay, now onto the other games. Yes apparently there are other teams in the NRL apart from the Dragons…who knew!

Once again I watched pretty much every game. Highlights include -

a)  the Broncos Alex Glenn giggling with delight as he scored a try against the Warriors. It was very Flossy-esque. More of that please Mr Glenn!

b) Us bursting into fits of lolz every time David Taylor came onto the screen. BABY OR BREAKFAST BURRITO?

c) The unspeakable rage of Des Hasler. Wow….just….WOW. Just when you think you’ve seen the peak of Dessie’s anger, he reaches a whole new level. Dessie’s performance in the coach’s box on Monday night was a sight to behold. I have this thing where sometimes I get so mad I don’t know how to express it and simply make lots of tiny jerky movements. Tiny tiny movements full of rage. Dessie did the exact same thing. Oh how I laughed/felt fearful for Manly players.

d) As much as it totally fucked up my tips, I was all over the Panthers gutsy win. That was some awesome football. Well done children! And yes, children is totally the appropriate word here because the games superstars were none other than our work experience boy Lachlan Coote and Errol Cutest Rookie of the Year nominee, Wade Graham.

By the way: looks like the Panthers’ Irish dancing classes were starting to kick in

At this juncture I would like to point out that we are what some would call ‘trailblazers’. Footy trailblazers.

Who wrote about Marc ‘The Herb’ Herbert before he even played a game? WE DID. Who featured Kayne Lawton in the Hot Man News months before he was picked to be a God of Football? WE DID. Who discussed Davey Williams awesomeness/hotness literally months before the rest of the world caught on? WE DID. And who hired Lachie and cooed over Wade (and his beautiful eyelashes) a loooong time before most people even knew their names? OH YEH, IT’S US.

So footy players, if you crave superstardom all you have to do is get us on side. Being an Errol favourite is like winning the lottery. Yep.

See you next week cupcakes!

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18 

the sunday afternoon recap: panthers vs raiders

August 10th, 2008
This recap is coming to you from the Canberra home ground, where it looks colder than words can possibly say, and my couch, where I’m snuggled in a blanket lying really really still and resting my feet gingerly on the heater because even they hurt.

It shouldn’t be. I’m actually meant to be at the footy stadium watching my Roosters play the Fattamatta Eels but I woke up this afternoon with a hangover so punishing it’s like an angry bear bashing itself on the inside of my skull. I barely managed to muster up enough energy to get out of bed and have Intern Greg Bird pull all the mysterious dried leaves out of my hair. I might just post Kiki’s helpful SMS message here instead of trying to explain because I think it sums the whole situation up quite well:  

u have leaves in ur hair because u lied down in the street.
then a cop came to see if u were okay and u accidentally kicked her in the face. it was amazing.


I love my boys, but I just couldn’t do it.  Leave me behind guys, I’m done for.  GO AHEAD!  SAVE YOURSELVES!  Needless to say I am completely rubbish and not promising any kind of accuracy. I don’t even really know who I want to win. I do love little Wade Graham and his luxurious eyelashes, Matthew Bell and his great head of hair and baby Lachlan Coote. Plus there’s the fact that the other night in the pub Kiki and our mate Alex named my boobs after Tony and Frank Puletua, so we kind of have a vibe, the Puletuas and I.

But I’m also oddly fond of the Raiders. I love reading out their hilarious retro librarian names (shoutout to Neville Costigan – your name’s my favourite darlin), I love how untanned they all are – no beaches in Canberra, kids – and I love the Herb. I’M SO TORN.

I take two Nurofen plus and before I’ve even swallowed them Rhys Wesser darts through the defence and sets up Michael Gordon for a try. Gordon converts and winks adorably as he walks off. I don’t know who you are Mr. Gordon but I like you already you cheeky bitch.

Before I can even make a joke about nifty little Danny Glover and his skillz Herbie has sent in a kick and Terry Campese leaps over Danny like a dolphin and grounds it for a try. He converts for 6-6. My poor little brain can’t handle the excitement as Dane Tilse leaps on a ball in goal for another Raiders try.

Aaaah I love it when front rowers score tries. They get so left out of the glory, and I honestly don’t know if I’ve even seen another front-rower score from a kick and chase this year. But Dane Tilse was all over that Terry Campese kick with all of his considerable bulk just centimetres before the dead ball line. He looks so shocked and excited it makes my heart smile. GO DANE! You win at life.

In the meantime Luke Priddis has broken something in his head and is staggering around on the field doing a fairly good Mick Crocker impression. He also has a swipe of white from the field markings on the front of his hair and he looks like nothing so much as a drunk Maxwell Sheffield in a footy uniform.

Imagine how happy I am when they have to whip him off the field and sub in Masada Iosefa. I adore him. I’m so upset that he obviously rang the commentary team a few weeks ago and explained that his name is pronounced Yosefa instead of Ocifer.

Oh how I used to love reenacting my own drunken police officer moments every time they mentioned his name.

Scuse me Ocifer … I like your new uniforms with the tuck-in pantsh. They’re very … mill … mulla … military. *slaps cop on the arse*

Danny Glover skips around David Milne for another brilliant try and I’ve realised he’s very Amos Roberts when he scores tries. An arm in the air after an amazing 50 metre try and they don’t even crack a smile. I like to think they just let their feets do the talking. Their fancy fancy feet.

12-12.

Now this is where it gets kind of sad. Amazing and impressive and all, but at the same time oh so very sad. That giant redwood Joel Monaghan charges through Penrith’s line and across the line on the right hand side for a try. Terry Campese sets up Trevor Thurling for another. Colin Best offloads to the nugget of a man that is Justin Carney for another on the left. Justin Carney has surprisingly shiny and gleaming hair. He’s like an echidna.

I would also like to remind everyone that today is officially Sorry Ranga Day. And in the spirit of the day I wanna give a giant hug to Joel Monaghan and Alan Tongue for all the struggles I know they must have endured so far in life (our country is Not Kind to Rangas) and remind you all that we here at Errol will be honouring the greatest rangas in our fine game in the Oh Errol awards.

I would also like to apologise to the LadyCop for accidentally hitting her in the face with my boot. I’m sorry LadyCop. Thank you for not arresting me.

[UM. WHERE IS MY THANKYOU??? If not for my quick thinking and physical strength you would be fighting assault charges right now missy! As soon as you kicked her I peeled you off the ground and dragged you into the darkness. On the run from the po-po through the backstreets of Newtown. Good times. - Kiki]

Canberra fans huddle for warmth and Scott Sattler on the sideline complains about getting frostbite in his fingers. I’ll keep you warm, Scotty. *seedy wink* I also swear to god the Penrith interchange bench are all wearing emergency SES blankets. They look like depressed schoolboys rescued from a Duke of Edinburgh trek gone bad in the Blue Mountains.

Campese commando rolls for another try and converts it too, but I’m distracted by Alan Tongue running around in the background. I love him in his headgear. Obviously pretty much everyone looks ridiculous with a headgear on (except Jonathon Thurston, who, inexpicably looks BETTER in headgear) but combined with the Raiders green Alan looks like nothing so much as a grumpy turtle general marshalling his turtle troops about the field. Good work Turtle!

Army Tank Trevor Thurling finishes off the half with one more try just to make sure that the Panthers are sufficiently depressed.

38-12.

I can pretty much sum up the second half by saying three things:

Rhys Wesser inexplicably misses a kick from Canberra that is aimed right at him, then the ball by some miracle stops on it’s end vertical exactly before the dead ball line so the Raiders get another set. Penrith just Do Not Win At Life today and Danny Glover’s emotionless face is starting to look like a mask of despair.

Wade Graham limps off field with a torn medial ligament and I want to cry. I’m already heartbroken that the completely adorable Lachlan Coote is out injured. It’s not the same watching footy without feeling like there’s a chance that little Lachlan Cute will win man of the match and thank all his fans again.

To be honest then I fall asleep for a while (don’t judge me) and when I wake up Canberra have scored a thousand more tries and Trent Waterhouse looks like he will be the next person to start weeping uncontrollably.

I also realise finally that the reason Michael Gordon is kicking goals is because Luke Lewis broke his head last week. I KNEW I HADN’T SEEN YOU BEFORE MICHAEL. How did it take me sixty minutes to realise this? Maybe alcohol really does damage brain cells.

More tries, including one to the Turtle, who kisses the Raider emblem on his jersey. That is really sweet, but really creepy also. I am also completely in love with the fact that Tom Learoyd-Lahrs scored one. Soz Neville Costigan. You no longer have the greatest name in the Green Machine. You also just can’t compete with Learoyd-Lahrs and his fierce retro headwear.

The referee reprimands Luke Priddis for running early – “I HAVEN’T BLOWN THE WHISTLE YET, LUKE” – and he will so be the next to have a tear on the sideline. I can see the tears starting to prick in the corners of his eyes already.

The green machine hits 72-12 and send in Marc Herbert to convert – “the boys just wanted to give Herbie a kick,” according to Terry. I love how they talk about him like he’s their kid. WE FEEL THE SAME WAY, HERBIE! He seems like a lovely boy. I would totally adopt him. We could have breakfast out on the terrace while I brush his hair and part it to the side and get him ready for a big day of training.

The final damage is 74-12, 10 goals and four tries of that thanks to Tezza Campese, and in a final moment of heart-wrenching hilarity, Trevor Thurling tells the interviewers that he wants to shout out to all the boys in Queanbeyan.

HE REALLY IS FROM QUEANBEYAN. I knew it! I bet anything he has at some point in his life worked part-time in the library. I just know it. Bless you Trevor. You deserve the win honey.

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the weekend footy round-up: for people with lives

August 3rd, 2008

I have officially watched Too Much Footy this weekend. And it’s only Sunday. Good God. So there is pretty much no chance of me writing a coherent play-by-play recap of anything I’ve watched. My little pea brain just can’t hold that much information, you know?

I have just enough room for exactly one full 80 minutes of memory, and after that for everything that goes in something has to get the boot, and I’m just left with a memory trail that goes something like CASHMERE! … jerseys, scrum, hot bitch … THAT WAS A KNOCK ON! Which is totally normal brain function, right? I thought so.

 

Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?

 

But I’m also an optimist, so I’ll try and put all the word fragments back together for you, and if this works we should end up with a summary of everything vital you missed in the last five games, with none of the boring stuff. Either that or – by sheer coincidence – the full original text of Shakespeare’s As You Like It. Let’s find out.


Not the face!

Manly Sea Eagles vs Penrith Panthers – The Epic Drama

There was love, there was lust, there were heroes, there was tragedy.

The game started with a whole set of lingering close ups of David ‘Ned Kelly’ Williams. Either channel nine has been reading Errol and decided to give the punters what they want, or they have hired a new homo cameraman with excellent taste. Either way, I approve.

I’m not so keen on the commentary that goes with it though, because Matty Johns quite clearly is seriously in manlust with ‘The Wolfman’ and it makes me slightly uncomfortable. He makes this blog look chaste and reserved by comparison. SHOOSH ALREADY MATTY! Just be quiet please and go back to making your collage of ‘things that remind you of David Williams’. Make sure you include that bamboo placemat you found at Freedom last week. Mmmmm smells like beard.

I am also so impressed that Ned Kelly is now completely committed to the beard. Wanna know how I know? He’s shaved around the neck. That’s right. It’s not a joke anymore, kids. It’s a Trademark (TM). (If you’re wondering he was also having an excellent hair day. Great definition in the curl. Have you started using product, Mr. Williams?)

In other vitally important football hair news, it seems Steve Matai now has cornrows. Really, Matai? Cornrows? I don’t know what to say. What I do know is that it’s not 1995 and you’re not in Bali. Think about THAT.

When he walked on field Ray Warren actually commented on the ‘”rows of corn” Matai is sporting’ and I think that if Rabs knows what the word ‘cornrows’ means, then cornrows are no longer cool.

QED. Full marks for me.

I actually think Gus Gould and Rabs as a duo have gotten even crazier in the last seven days. I didn’t think it was possible. I like it. I can’t decide whether I loved it more when they quarrelled about how much Rabs loves Steve Matai (Gus: And your man Matai tries to convert … Rabs: He is not MY MAN MATAI. I do not OWN Steve Matai), or quarrelled about the age at which they stop giving players oranges at halftime.

Rabs: Do you WANT oranges? Hmmm? Because I will go and GET you some navals.

I can’t wait till they allow gay marriage in Australia and those two can officially settle down. It’s never too late for love, boys!

The game also proved that cornrows do not constitute a form of head protection when Cornrows Matai and teammate Luke Williamson pushed in for a try on Luke Lewis. In the process Matai and Lewis butted heads and the results were not pretty. Williamson ended up in the middle of a creepy, blood-soaked NRL tableau, with collapsed Matai on his left hip, and bleeding Luke Lewis lying to his right with his head cradled in Williamson’s knee like a unicorn being tamed by a virgin.

I’m not going to lie, it was weird. Poor little Williamson, sitting bolt upright in between two bleeders, kinda gingerly patting Luke Lewis’ hair and making an awkward face that says HE’S NOT EVEN REALLY ON MY TEAM. DO I HAVE TO BE NICE TO HIM? YOU GUYS?

And then more tragedy … Steve Matai sort of made me like him. Even with the cornrows! Don’t you dare tell anyone. Once they patched up his bleeding skull, put a headgear in his hand, and send him back to the sideline, that crafty bitch won me right over with his vanity. He stood there in limbo for aaages, half putting the headgear on and laughing with embarassment.

I CAN’T GO OUT THERE IN THIS THING. THERE ARE CAMERAS! PEOPLE WILL LAUGH!

.. and then he didn’t. Seriously, that was it. We didn’t see him for the rest of the match. Matai had a tanty and refused to go back on looking ridiculous and left David Williams to take over the goal kicking with his patented brand of talking-to-himself crazy before every goal.

Note to the video ref in this match: I can’t BELIEVE you went ref’s call on that Brett Stewart try. At the very least you could have given him Benefit of the Doubt. I mean, dammit, the kid has DIABETES. Is there not some kind of BENEFIT OF DIABETES try rule??

And, lastly, saddest of all: Menzies. Oh, Menzies. Still brilliant with the ball. A fearless statesman of league, a vision in headgear. But, like Penrith’s own Danny Glover – Rhys Wesser – Menzies’ legs ain’t what they used to be. When he broke down the right hand side with a clear 70 metres between him and the try line, there was no cry from the commentary box of ‘JUGGERNAUT’. There were forty great metres, then an offload and a tackle. It makes me sad. I think it made him sad too. It seems relentless time has worn upon the demi-God of football as it wears upon us mortals. Manly won 30-10, but it still feels like the end of an era.

Gold Coast Titans vs Melbourne Storm – The Grind

God damn was this a depressing game. Melbourne won. The Titans were ground up like tiny sad little peppercorns. No one was surprised. Cameron Smith apparently shaved but still had a grey beardshadow. Now he is a wolfman. Israel Folau did amazing things and is still a Mormon. Matt Geyer is still bald. The Titans (even the ones who aren’t injured) are still totally sick of life. Scott Prince was petrified with cold on the sidelines like one of those caveman corpses they recover from glaciers. I seriously think his hands might have been fused together with frostbite.

I can’t even talk about it anymore. 44-4.

Cronulla Sharks vs St George Illawarra Dragons – The Battle of Captain Cook Drive

Now this game was Real Football. It was intense. Like grabbing-someone’s-arm, have-to-see-how-it-ends football. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen Matt Cooper look so intense. At the end of the game he even made an emotion. In his face and everything!

Pie-eating Greg Bird was so focussed in his return game that he didn’t cry once. Hornbag was possibly the angriest I’ve ever seen him. I checked with my pants and they agree.

It was also alllll yours St George, but towards the end I think you lost focus, and the Sharks didn’t. I’m sorry boys, but it’s true. I definitely don’t think they have more heart, but I think they showed more on the field. I will say though that this was a war of attrition, and you Dragons boys took it really hard.

Brett Morris was taken off with an injured shoulder. Justin Poore with a dislocated knee. I felt like there needed to be a halftime armistice for you to gather up the fallen before the battle began again. There’s something that toubles me about you Dragons though, and it needs to be said: the head-shaving. Please explain. If I was extending the war metaphor I would say that, as armies go, you look more like an Aryan Brotherhood militia than anything else. Is this your doing, Hornbag? Do you want everyone to look neat and practical like you?

Even Dan Hunt and Justin Poore were sporting newly shaven cue balls last night. Not to mention you Hornbag, Matt Cooper, Jamie Soward, Dean Young and at least one Morris twin (with the other twin’s hair also getting progressively shorter). Or wait a second – IS THIS BROWNIE’S DOING? Does Intern Brownie shave all your heads before each game so you all match his hairdo? I am absolutely appalled Brownie. Did you even think about me and how much I love a good head of hair? Hmmmm? I am shocked by your selfishness.

You Dragons have a long way too go before you look as military as Luke Covell though. He is tres jarhead. The hair, the American jaw, the glassy quality in his eyes. (Which is also why I’m not keen to say a word against him. Well done on your win, scary Luke Covell! Please don’t finish me off with friendly fire!)

Oh yeah, Flossy Nightingale also got dakked. Big time. I only like clothes- on- Flossy, but Kiki DEMANDED we post the photos, because and I quote ‘thats what the punters expect from Errol Sassy….bare arse.’

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs New Zealand Warriors – The *****

Okay FINE I didn’t really watch this. Don’t judge me. I’m not even going to pretend that I care. The Rabbitohs won.

PS Hi Russell Crowe!

Sydney Roosters vs North Queensland Cowboys – THOSE BOYS NEED THERAPY

Do you know what this game was full of? (Apart from the Roosters being distracted and making me worry about whether they are psychologically prepared for the focus and discipline required to win consistently in a professional sport).

It was full of my favourite rule. I’ve said in the past how much I love Benefit of the Doubt, and yes I still love you Benny. You are very sweet and very supportive. But this new rule? Well, it just makes me laugh. And that’s so very important in a relationship.

If you don’t follow league you won’t know that packing a scrum when one is called stops the clock. So a team that’s despy for more time will, as soon as the ref calls for a scrum, sprint to the location, and DIVE into one as fast as is humanly possible. Except because the other team doesn’t give a shit, it’s just five men with their heads between each other’s arses standing in a triangle packing a scrum against thin air. It is HILARIOUS. I adore it. More of that please! And if you want more people to watch rugby league, you could liven it up a bit. Maybe give them extra points if they can manage to make a pyramid? I’d pay to watch that.

This game was amazing in that it also managed to distract me from the hotness that is JohnJohn Williams. (Note to John – I see you shaved off the beard! Thank God! I’m so glad you read Errol and listen to our suggestions).

Because out of nowhere my Chooks have suddenly become the whoriest team in the league. When did this happen? I have no idea. Those uniforms were not regulation, I’ll tell you now. They were twice as tight around the guns, a good 5 cm shorter in the shorts, and I love it. GOOD WORK ROOSTERS DESIGN TEAM.

My personal highlight was when the Mayan King Soliola actually rolled up his sleeves for most of the first half. Weren’t they whorey enough for you, baby? Wanted to flash a little more bicep? My only regret is that I can’t find a picture anywhere on the internets of Brent Grose in his painted-on jersey. Bitch did not get that in the adult section of the Roosters store, that is for sure. It was an XS outfit on an M man. I don’t think he could even lift his arms. Which would also explain a bomb he missed, now I think of it.

Luke O’Donnell tried so hard, but just couldn’t compete for attention. Not even with a midriff-flash. And despite the Rooster’s strange success complex that means they can’t play well unless they’re underdogs, they managed to win the game. Or rather, not lose it. I think it was the shorty-shorts. Helps em run faster. Makes em feel pretty, too.

And to finish I would like to point out that since Sonny Bill fled the country, I think Willie Mason has finally realised they’re never getting back together, and moved on and found someone else. And do you know what? GOOD FOR YOU BB. It’s healthy! I know you loved him, but you can’t pine forever.  I think it’s lovely.

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