Congratulations Queensland! You have 6 Origin victories in a row, all neatly lined up to match your 6 toes. And we don’t want to be sore losers, so we’ve graced Errol with the new Queensland state flag (see above). See! We are totally down with good sportsmanship and giving credit when it’s due.
As for the game, well … it happened. And the world is still turning. Not gonna lie though, that shit hurt. This arvo a bloke came into Kiki’s workplace brazenly wearing a maroon scarf. After she launched a tirade of abuse at him he very nervously squeaked ‘sorry bro, I’m from New Zealand … I didn’t even think! It’s just cold today hey….’
Sorry mate. Speaking of New Zealanders in maroon scarves, what in the hell was Sonny Bill Feelings doing on the sidelines giving his expert commentary? WHY? Why do Channel 9 constantly give air time to other sports during rugby league programming? That shit has to end.
More importantly, why was SBW wearing a maroon scarf? Oh that’s right, coz he’s a hateful turncoat with no soul who sneaks away in the middle of the night because he doesn’t want tell his team mates he’s leaving. YEH WE HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN THAT SONNY BILL. Remember when you played for NSW Schoolboys SBW?
Just imagine us doing this while we type. It is 65% accurate.
And we need to talk about that Darren Lockyer ‘tribute’. It’s taken us almost a whole day to digest that. That was by far the most upsetting thing we’ve ever seen. And we used to be regulars at a certain 24-hour establishment in Taylor Square that shall remain nameless so we have seen THINGS. Trust this.
We would find the video on You Tube and dissect it piece by piece but our constitutions are too delicate to be put through that. We love you guys and all, but not that much.
The bottom line is we love a montage. Absolute BANDITS for one. The music, the slow-mo, the hazy after-effects. Aaaah, bliss! But watching close-ups of Darren Lockyer’s black eye and the town of Roma set to a tinkly piano tune stolen from a serial killer re-enactment on the Crime Investigation channel is not enjoyable.
In other circumstances, we would probably just hate Lockyer like we hate all Queenslanders: when they wear maroon / when they get Queensland tattoos / for three nights a year.
But every time people from North of the Tweed tell us Darren Lockyer is a legend, a Prince, or a hero, it annoys the hell out of us.
So watching creepy video packages about Darren Lockyer’s home town is WORSE THAN THE WORST. How dare you try and make us Feel Feelings about a man with five Origin series wins in a row!
Yesterday Kiki accidentally saw photos on the interwebz of a smashed up dead body after a car accident. There was visible brain matter. That was less upsetting than the Lockyer tribute.
Remember when Mufasa gets trampled alive after saving Simba in the Lion King? That is less upsetting than the Lockyer tribute.
One time we watched a documentary on Foxtel about people who fall in love with, and have sex with, inaminate objects. One particularly memorable scene shows a lady making out with a rollercoaster.
That is less upsetting than the Lockyer tribute.
See where we’re going with this? Darren Lockyer may be a ‘legend’, and he’s had a fantastic career, but he is not OUR legend. Just like how John Howard was never our Prime Minister. Doesn’t matter how many montages we’re forced to watch, or live crosses to his brain (seriously …) or tweets of OMGZ U GUYZ HOW CAN U NOT RESPECT LOCKYER!!111!…..we just don’t get it. And we will never will.
More importantly, Queensland, you may have Lockyer but you will never be this adorable. Hah!
Mainly this is because, for every Queenslander who is normal and functional, there is a Queenslander – a FEMALE Queenslander – who pees on their seat. At Suncorp Stadium. While Lockyer is giving his speech. And y’all wonder why we make fun of you … seriously.
(DISCLAIMER: WE DON’T WANT TO LINK IT THIS CAUSE IT’S TOO GROSS. YOU’LL HAVE TO GOOGLE.)
We know that last night’s game wasn’t NSW’s finest moment. As in … we know our boys can do better than this. They HAVE done better than this. Like Parramatta smashing the Bulldogs in the 2009 finals series, we peaked a game too early.
But if the Blues played 95% in game two, we’d call this 80. Don’t ya think? Eighty percent execution, maybe due to nerves. There were still some barnstorming Aku Uate runs, some delightful footwork from Jamie Soward when he carried instead of kicked, and incredible defence. But there were also a lot of kicks straight into Maroons players arms, kicks to places kicks should not go, a few dumb penalties, and that time Minichiello tripped over.
We know Birdy … we feel the same.
It’s possible that Ronnie Palmer also accidentally set the Gallen-bot to just ‘main’ instead of ‘DECIMATE’ which is what he did in game two.
Just because he’s a machine doesn’t mean he can’t feel.
But in the next column over, we give the Blues 100% for heart. Mick Ennis showed so much heart that he broke his sternum.
At times they were majestic to watch. Like when Luke Lewis wove his bogan mojo and the Blues charged through a mess of sprawling Maroons to score our first try.
What can we say except … footyboner.
We is PROUD.
And to prove that we do have hearts, we’ll admit that Sassy was legitimately distressed when Johnathon Thurston was injured. (Kiki had no opinion because she had been banished to her room)
We love watching him laugh his dopey laugh, even when it’s because he’s come back on field in a wheelchair and is completely off his face from the pain medication he’s sucking down on.
Pssst, pass the green whistle, would ya, JT? NSW NEEDS IT TOOOOO.
The bottom line though, is this. We aren’t broken yet. You won’t catch us telling anyone Origin is dead.
Queensland, you’ve won 6 in a row. You may win 7 or even 10 in a row. But know this: it will never be easy. We will fight you for every metre. You will have to earn every inch, every blade of grass.
You will bleed. We will hit you … hard. Bones will break and muscles will tear and we will be there every single year to hurt you again and again and again. No victory will be effortless.
Know this too: we hate you. We hate your maroon jerseys, your smugness and your blatant player stealing. We hate your cheap shots, the bizarre Lockyer worship and your complete lack of irony.
You may dominate on the scoreboard but despite your self mythologizing fantasies, you will never dominate in heart. Don’t you ever get comfortable, because we will never submit.
UP THE BLUES!
Game pics. Getty Images