6 

errol’s 12 days of christmas : day two

December 14th, 2010

On the second day of Christmas

Oh Errol gave me to me….

Russell Crowe and Oprah Winfreeeeey

Look at the amount of awesome human in that shot. It’s overwhelming! Now we love Oprah. Sure she’s cheesy and over the top, but she’s built an empire from nothing and is using her powers for good. Also she’s openly pro-gay despite most of her audience being Middle America which is famously well, kinda anti-gay. And y’all know we LOVE the gays like no one’s business.

And we love a bit of cynicism but the people pooh poohing her visit here are basically buzz killing shitheads. She’s the Queen of the World people! She’s never done a show anywhere else in the world….ever. Now stop being crap, grab a daiquiri from John John and join the party.

You all know how much we love Rusty. We’ve written about it a zillion times and fervently defended him on the radio (we like to think he listens to those recordings when he gets sad). We love the man. I think it’s because that’s exactly how we would be if we were rich and famous.

We would totally buy a footy team and get rid of cheerleaders and personally design the merchandise and create the Book of Feuds and narrate Ben Hur and make visiting celebrities come to games and cheer on our team and always bring up footy in every interview and have a sweet ponytail just be generally AWESUM.

SMH tell us that Oprah will join the fight for Greg Inglis. This is hilarious and amazing on so many levels. Mainly because imagine Russell trying to explain the NRL salary cap to Oprah. I would give my first born to hear that conversation. There’s also a joke here about them sailing around on a boat and Greg Inglis got a free boat from the Storm but I can’t quite find it. BOATZ! TWO OF THEM! HAHA!

Apparently Roy Asotasi, Chris Sandow, Dave Taylor and Sam Burgess sat front row at the Oprah show. I’m unsure of whether they were interviewed or not, but I’m concerned about the American audience’s capability to understand that festival of accents. Yanks have an issue understanding me. Whenever we’re in the USA, I make Sassy revert to her posh private school accent and perform all the phone duties. Really.

Say what you want about Rusty, but the man is committed to promoting rugby league. You know what’s not featuring on Oprah’s show? AFL, rugby union, soccer and any other sport. And that makes me happy.

8 

footy observations: god, uncle wayne and shark week 2010

August 2nd, 2010

First things first: IT’S MOTHERFUCKING SHARK WEEK! YEAH!

Ironically, even though we don’t like Cronulla, we LOVE Shark Week. What’s better than a Shark documentary? Nothing. That’s what.

As you should already know, our office motto – well one of our office mottos – is actually “live every week like it’s Shark Week”. Wise words, no? We totally stole it from 30 Rock.

(Our other mottos include, but are not limited to: “Pants are for suckers!” “of course I want another pie!” and “if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing in hotpants”. That last one is embroidered on the label of all Intern John-John’s shorty shorts).

Pic. Getty Images

In honour of the glory that is Shark Week, we want to give a shout-out to Errol hero, Russell Crowe. There was yet more proof over the weekend that he is awesome and benevolent like Jesus:

RUSSELL CROWE gave eight indigenous kids the day of their lives last Sunday when he treated them to an afternoon in his corporate box. The kids were largely from a mission in Bourke and were rewarded with a trip to Sydney as part of a program called Centacare. ”We told them they’d come to Sydney and get to go to the footy if they had 100 per cent attendance at school for a period of time,” said Mark Hollman, who oversees the program. ”And they all did that, so we got in touch with Souths Cares, who organised tickets and packs and footies for the boys.”

These kids were from the back of Bourke and they’d never seen the front of Bourke. When they got to Lithgow and saw a lake some of them thought it was Sydney Harbour. ”When we got to Sydney I got a call from Russell’s manager, Grant Vandenberg, who said we might get to come up to the box and meet Russell. Not only did we get that but all the boys sat in the box for the entire match. Russell fed them all and went up to each of the boys individually and had a chat to them. They were just blown away by the whole day. They have not stopped talking about it since it happened.”

… Seriously.

Back with the mere mortals, Brett Kimmorley says he might finish out his 85-year footy career at the Sharks. Or at least he won’t rule it out. He met with Shane Flanagan about it, and then said, “to be honest, it would be like going home … I spent such a large part of my career there.”

We just have one thing to say about all of this: WHY? Why, Noddy, why?

We choose to express our advice to Noddy in picture form.

As if we all didn’t know already that the Shire and their team is cursed. What other conclusion can you draw from the fact that they have never won a premiership, that they’re $x million in debt and that Toyota Stadium is constantly beset by a freezing cold wind of death that may or may not be the result of having built it on the remains of some kind of burial ground for the criminally insane?

We had proof again on Saturday night when the West Tigers won an ugly, ugly game over the Sharks at Leichhardt. Let’s be honest, the Tigers had no right to win. The Sharks were well and truly in the game until – bizarrely – Ben Pomeroy scored a possible try …. and was penalised. Even referees hate the Sharks. It was the most ridiculous decision of the season so far, and that’s coming from a Roosters fan (Izzy Folau, anyone?)


Nyello Houston? We have a reffing problem.

Little known Sassy fact: I studied epistemology at uni (of couse I did). Also known as the philosophy of logic. So to help y’all, I put my little logic hat on and made up symbols to represent the five main facts in this case:

1. The ref had called held on the tackle

2. He called it relatively early when he hadn’t done that all game (deemed irrelevant)

3. After the ‘held’ call, Pom continued to fall towards the line, then put the ball down.

4. After the ‘held’ call, at roughly the same time, Bryce Gibbs came into the tackle.

5. Somehow, Cronulla was penalised.

Then I put them all into a logic equation to see if I could make it work, and all I came up with was:

I’m 99% sure this stands for ‘God hates the Sharks’. Even during Shark Week! Sucks to be from Cronulla.

We also found out yesterday that God doesn’t care for the Matty Johns Show. God as in Wayne Bennett, not biblical God.

(You can tell the difference between them because, although both are omnipotent and all-knowing, bible God has never won a premiership).

John Singleton, Matty Johns and Shane Webcke all rang Uncle Wayne to try and get an interview, and Uncle Wayne said … no thanks.

“But he said no … maybe he’s too important.” – Singo

We don’t like to stick our noses into other people’s business (lies, of course we do), but of course he’s too important! He’s Uncle Wayne. Frankly, we’re surprised he even talks to the humans, well, the ones who don’t have schizophrenia with attendant aural delusions anyway. So don’t feel bad Singo.

And to finish off the footy and God round-up, we’re still trying to figure out what to make of the Malbourne vs Canberra game yesterday. Well, not so much the game. Clearly, much as we adore the Raiders, Melbourne played better. (Even Brett Finch played well and apparently he’d spent Friday night getting pissed. He obviously doesn’t get two-day hangovers like we old ladies do). We mean the weather.

How does a game go from this:

Pic. Getty Images

… to this:

Pic. Getty Images

in less than 80 minutes? That’s a hailstorm! For reals. To quote the double rainbow dude, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

All of  a sudden, it was hailing, Cameron Smith and Billy Slater were on the sideline (being divas? maybe), the Storm had won the game and a PROP was trying to kick goals and failing miserably, Ryan Hinchcliffe was hiding under Jeff Lima, and David Shillington was tenderly cradling Josh Miller’s injured head to protect him from the hail. It was anarchy!

Cooper Cronk totally thinks you’re soft Hinchcliffe. Just look at his face.

KODAK. MOMENT!

It was one of the best/weirdest moments of the season so far.

Stay tuned for a recap of my personal BEST moment – the Roosters vs Eels game from Saturday night. It’ll be posted soon, promise!

Thanks to Cronkster for the Shillington cap, and Lucy Pryor for the Lima cap.

7 

footy observations: romance and pantslessness go so well together

July 29th, 2010

Well someone from the Melbourne Storm’s just become the most popular girl in school!

But first, let’s cover the breaking news stories of the day: Firstly, the Cronulla Sharks continue to win at life. Secondly, FACEBOOK IS EVIL. Apparently the police have warned the footy community that people might steal their identitiez on the interwebs, and Penrith have even banned Facebook and Twitter. Can I just say if they want anyone to travel around with Nigel Vagana and teach the boys how to be safe on the net (BE SAFE KIDS!), they should just send us. We’ll just slap them on the hands with rulers and yell MAKE YOUR FACEBOOK PRIVATE AND DON’T ADD RANDOMS. Done and done.

Now back to the breaking up of the Melbourne Big Four.

Now it’s a given in most people’s minds that, after the whole salary cap debacle, at least one of the Melbourne Storm’s Big Four will have to leave the loving embrace of Globo Gym. It’s just maths … right?

And no, I won’t call them the ‘Fab Four’. When did we start using that phrase? It makes Cooper Cronk, Cam Smith, Billy Slater and GI sound like a reincarnation of the Fab Five on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. This is patently ridiculous, because Cam Smith can’t cut hair, and even Carson Kressley is nowhere near as fierce as Fierce Bitch Cooper Cronk.


I rest my case.

I much prefer calling them the ‘Big Four’. It makes it sound like other clubs are hunting them down for sport, like big game hunters in Africa trying to bag the big five of African animals.

What was my point? I got distracted imagining Greg Inglis with a rhinoceros horn.

Oh right, competition is heating up between the NRL clubs to sort out who gets to take Greg Inglis home. Melbourne don’t want to let him go, plus the Broncos and the Titans both want him. But bitches better watch out, because someone new has stepped into the ring.


…. me? Really? He wants me?
pic. Getty Images

Oh yes, Russell Crowe wants GI for the Souths’ backline.

“He wants him bad,” a source close to Inglis said. “I’m not sure if it will happen but Russell will do what he can to get him there.”

HOW ARE THE OTHER TEAM OWNERS MEANT TO COMPETE WITH AN OSCAR WINNER? Not only does he have blue eyes like a husky and a voice as majestic as the Snowy Mountains, he also has a country estate AND he’s friends with Snoop Dogg. And according to the Tele, Rusty is ready to ‘wine and dine’ Greg, make some conversation about books and movies, order the second most expensive wine on the menu, and order the lobster for him in a chivalrous fashion until GI gives in and signs with the Rabbitohs. And by ‘signs with the Rabbitohs’, clearly I mean ‘takes his pants off’.

GI has since denied the whole story, but …. he would, wouldn’t he? This is Russell Crowe, after all. For all we know his phone calls have caveats of silence on them, like the CIA.

And our advice to GI is to play hard to get. That way hopefully he gets more play dates with Rusty. Genius, right? That’s what we’d do, anyway. Remember Rusty’s gladiator thumb (at the game where his Rabbitohs crushed my Roosters)? That was AWESOME. Russell is pretty much our favourite human ever, which is why we always defend him vehemently against the Fire Up! boys and hope to one day be loaded enough to follow his example and own our own footy teams. If Greg plays his cards right he could live our dream of being Russell’s bestie.

And if Sam Burgess is reading – who am I kidding, he totally is – don’t worry babe! We’re sure he still cares about you, too! When he took you to that movie set last year and told you Souths needed you, and only you, he totally meant it. He really does think your accent is adorable, and that you have a great tan and a beautiful smile. He just wants the freedom to see other people as well, you know?

And on the topic of pantslessness: remember last year when the Tigers had some kind of club-wide reading group going? The one where you could totally tell that Tim Moltzen was reading Sophie Kinsella’s ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’? Good times.

Well this year, it seems like the Tigers have moved on from encouraging kids to read good, and moved onto spreading the gospel of pantslessness. Now THIS is something everyone at Errol HQ can get behind. Heh, behind. We totally support the Tigers’ efforts to end the tyranny of pants!

Nips Farah tries to start a locker-room pants off revolution ….

… and Chris Lawrence takes it to the set of the Footy Show.

We love the Tigers’ Crusade against Pants almost as much as we love the news that JAMAL HAS HIS FIRST ACTING JOB. Not only is he gonna be on the Footy Show, he’ll have a guest spot on ‘Cops’ with Gary Sweet. Congratulations, Jamal baby! Our dream of seeing Jamal remake ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’ is getting closer and closer every day.

Now why don’t you take off your pants and tell us where you think GI will end up?

Thanks to the awesome Cronkster and Smithyman for the caps!

19 

women in league – the newest convert

March 22nd, 2010

Hello Errol friends. I would like to introduce you to Yasmin. She enjoys dark beer (see above), is my roomie, and most importantly…is footy’s newest fan.

One of my hobbies is pressuring/harassing/manipulating people into liking things I’m into. It just makes life easier for me, you know? Sassy and I did this to Lozzy in 2008, and this time around it was Yasmin’s turn. When we moved in together 6 months ago I informed her she was lucky it was the off season, so she didn’t have to sit through endless hours of footy on the TV. She was glad.

Flash forward to current day and I have on my hands an obsessed little Bunnies fan who is a ferocious and committed competitor in both footy tipping AND fantasy league competitions. I happily take most of the credit for this amazing turnaround, but I have to give props to footy for being so innately awesome and hilarious. Really all I was doing for Yasmin was pointing out the spectacularly amusing points and letting it go from there. Let’s hear from Yassy herself, shall we?

I’ve never been a big Footy fan, I mean sure, of course I celebrated the Knights Grand Final wins in 97 & 2001 but I really had no choice, I didn’t want to be cut. Have you ever been to Newie? It’s like Beyond Thunderdome there.

So after moving in with Kiki in Maroubra last year, I decided it was time to take the plunge & pick a team, after all I think that was part of the problem, I mean the Knights really aren’t all that lovable.

Once I got to Maroubra I had an epiphany & settled on the Bunnies, after all I was now living in major Bunnies territory, I once had a pet bunny (Kurt Cobain RIP). I’m a winter so I look good in red & green, then of course there was the Rusty factor. It was fate, even as I complained last year there weren’t enough attractive players in the team, Rusty got Sam Burgess all the way from England just for me.

I never do anything by halves, can tend to focus on something/someone until it becomes an obsession & being a footy fan has proved to be no exception. I will even admit to looking at the Rabbitohs website daily & watching Rusty’s Christmas message whenever I feel sad (do yourself a favour and go watch it, you won’t regret it and will find yourself quoting it).

So now I am now fully addicted to Fantasy League & am a tough supercoach. My need to win outweighs my loyalty (my future husband included, shhh don’t tell him) & if they don’t perform to Coach Yasbean’s expectations, then off with their heads.


Don’t mess with the supercoaches.

But hold on a minute, I am also a multi-tasker. Not only am I a Supercoach, I also like to coach the Bunnies in real life. So next week when the Bunnies finally win, you can thank me & the ‘Ball Control, Bunnies!’ sign I erected on our front lawn that the team had to pass on the way to recovery after the game against the Titans.

As she says, she really doesn’t do anything by halves. I woke up on a Sunday a few weeks ago to be accosted in our living room with her yelling “KIKI. THANK GOD YOU’RE AWAKE. I’VE MADE A FANTASY TEAM AND U NEED TO TELL ME HOW GOOD IT IS.”

She later admitted that not only did she make a fantasy team, but after she had used up all the players she knew previously (the big names) she then visited every team’s website to find the best looking player that cost the least on the salary cap. That is dedication people.

By far the best thing about introducing someone to footy, is seeing the game through new eyes. Yasmin has provided me with some epic lolz so far. I would like to share these quotes with you.

“Oooh! This is so fun! Everyone at the footy is so FRIENDLY!” – at the Charity Shield after a man asked me to hold his hot dog while he bought a beer

“Who is the guy in the….the…the head hat?”
– asked while pointing at Preston Campbell at the All Stars game

“Oooh! I want that black guy in my fantasy team!”
– excitedly yelled while watching Rhys Wesser return the ball

“Is it wrong that I find Robbie Farah attractive?” – while watching a Tigers game

“I have Jarrod Yeeha in my fantasy team.” – Yasmin on Jharal Yow-Yeh

“FUCKING BUNNIES. Less tweeting about banana bread, more training Burgess!” – after suffering her first loss as a Rabbitohs fan

“Omigod. The Mozzies were on the footy show and B.Moz was wearing a BACKPACK and he looks like a giant 5 year old. I taped it for you. If you get in the shower and get ready on time, I’ll let you watch it.” – her greeting as soon as I woke up yesterday

“They were warming up in front of me and I was looking at their leg muscles and I thought…THIS IS A GREAT GAME THIS IS” – at Leichardt Oval, after watching the Balmain Tigers warm up

” How does Dave Taylor manage to play this game? There are so many bloody rules!” – after me attempting to explain how the in goal/restart rules work

To say I am proud of how she’s embraced footy fandom is an understatement. Not only has she enthusiastically embraced everything NRL, but she is also loving the joy that is the NSW Cup. The fact she finds Tigers captain Lee Bennett super spunky may have something to do with it. I think the 4 dollar beers help too. She is also planning a range of footy coloured girls pyjamas (she’s a talented designer, for reals) for us to sell on Errol. AND she even made me awesome Dragons themed nail art.

Keep an eye out for Yasmin’s weekly appearance in Fantasy League Fridays. I can safely say she is extremely committed to being a fantasy coach, as she talks about it at home at least 3.5 times a day.

One last thing.  The NRL are constantly trying to improve the game for women, and now they have a spiffy little survey for us to fill out to help them achieve their goals. We have all filled it out, so you should too. You can find it here. Go now, it finishes on March 30th. THANKS GUYZ LOVE YA.