First things first: IT’S MOTHERFUCKING SHARK WEEK! YEAH!
Ironically, even though we don’t like Cronulla, we LOVE Shark Week. What’s better than a Shark documentary? Nothing. That’s what.
As you should already know, our office motto – well one of our office mottos – is actually “live every week like it’s Shark Week”. Wise words, no? We totally stole it from 30 Rock.
(Our other mottos include, but are not limited to: “Pants are for suckers!” “of course I want another pie!” and “if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing in hotpants”. That last one is embroidered on the label of all Intern John-John’s shorty shorts).
Pic. Getty Images
In honour of the glory that is Shark Week, we want to give a shout-out to Errol hero, Russell Crowe. There was yet more proof over the weekend that he is awesome and benevolent like Jesus:
RUSSELL CROWE gave eight indigenous kids the day of their lives last Sunday when he treated them to an afternoon in his corporate box. The kids were largely from a mission in Bourke and were rewarded with a trip to Sydney as part of a program called Centacare. ”We told them they’d come to Sydney and get to go to the footy if they had 100 per cent attendance at school for a period of time,” said Mark Hollman, who oversees the program. ”And they all did that, so we got in touch with Souths Cares, who organised tickets and packs and footies for the boys.”
These kids were from the back of Bourke and they’d never seen the front of Bourke. When they got to Lithgow and saw a lake some of them thought it was Sydney Harbour. ”When we got to Sydney I got a call from Russell’s manager, Grant Vandenberg, who said we might get to come up to the box and meet Russell. Not only did we get that but all the boys sat in the box for the entire match. Russell fed them all and went up to each of the boys individually and had a chat to them. They were just blown away by the whole day. They have not stopped talking about it since it happened.”
Back with the mere mortals, Brett Kimmorley says he might finish out his 85-year footy career at the Sharks. Or at least he won’t rule it out. He met with Shane Flanagan about it, and then said, “to be honest, it would be like going home … I spent such a large part of my career there.”
We just have one thing to say about all of this: WHY? Why, Noddy, why?
We choose to express our advice to Noddy in picture form.
As if we all didn’t know already that the Shire and their team is cursed. What other conclusion can you draw from the fact that they have never won a premiership, that they’re $x million in debt and that Toyota Stadium is constantly beset by a freezing cold wind of death that may or may not be the result of having built it on the remains of some kind of burial ground for the criminally insane?
We had proof again on Saturday night when the West Tigers won an ugly, ugly game over the Sharks at Leichhardt. Let’s be honest, the Tigers had no right to win. The Sharks were well and truly in the game until – bizarrely – Ben Pomeroy scored a possible try …. and was penalised. Even referees hate the Sharks. It was the most ridiculous decision of the season so far, and that’s coming from a Roosters fan (Izzy Folau, anyone?)
Nyello Houston? We have a reffing problem.
Little known Sassy fact: I studied epistemology at uni (of couse I did). Also known as the philosophy of logic. So to help y’all, I put my little logic hat on and made up symbols to represent the five main facts in this case:
1. The ref had called held on the tackle
2. He called it relatively early when he hadn’t done that all game (deemed irrelevant)
3. After the ‘held’ call, Pom continued to fall towards the line, then put the ball down.
4. After the ‘held’ call, at roughly the same time, Bryce Gibbs came into the tackle.
5. Somehow, Cronulla was penalised.
Then I put them all into a logic equation to see if I could make it work, and all I came up with was:
I’m 99% sure this stands for ‘God hates the Sharks’. Even during Shark Week! Sucks to be from Cronulla.
We also found out yesterday that God doesn’t care for the Matty Johns Show. God as in Wayne Bennett, not biblical God.
(You can tell the difference between them because, although both are omnipotent and all-knowing, bible God has never won a premiership).
John Singleton, Matty Johns and Shane Webcke all rang Uncle Wayne to try and get an interview, and Uncle Wayne said … no thanks.
“But he said no … maybe he’s too important.” – Singo
We don’t like to stick our noses into other people’s business (lies, of course we do), but of course he’s too important! He’s Uncle Wayne. Frankly, we’re surprised he even talks to the humans, well, the ones who don’t have schizophrenia with attendant aural delusions anyway. So don’t feel bad Singo.
And to finish off the footy and God round-up, we’re still trying to figure out what to make of the Malbourne vs Canberra game yesterday. Well, not so much the game. Clearly, much as we adore the Raiders, Melbourne played better. (Even Brett Finch played well and apparently he’d spent Friday night getting pissed. He obviously doesn’t get two-day hangovers like we old ladies do). We mean the weather.
How does a game go from this:
Pic. Getty Images
… to this:
Pic. Getty Images
in less than 80 minutes? That’s a hailstorm! For reals. To quote the double rainbow dude, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
All of a sudden, it was hailing, Cameron Smith and Billy Slater were on the sideline (being divas? maybe), the Storm had won the game and a PROP was trying to kick goals and failing miserably, Ryan Hinchcliffe was hiding under Jeff Lima, and David Shillington was tenderly cradling Josh Miller’s injured head to protect him from the hail. It was anarchy!
Cooper Cronk totally thinks you’re soft Hinchcliffe. Just look at his face.
It was one of the best/weirdest moments of the season so far.
Stay tuned for a recap of my personal BEST moment – the Roosters vs Eels game from Saturday night. It’ll be posted soon, promise!
Thanks to Cronkster for the Shillington cap, and Lucy Pryor for the Lima cap.