23 

ready, steady, inappropriate flirting!*

August 18th, 2010

Ever watched daytime tv? Of course you have. It’s what sick days are for.

Well this week, two of our Errol faves were guests on that bastion of mid-afternoon entertainment, Ready, Steady, Cook!

Holy cuteness, batman! Hi boys!

And luckily for those of you who are productive members of society, we’re gonna walk you through how it went down.

If you’re unfamiliar with Ready Steady, Cook, one of the most delightful moments of the show is when the insanely touch-feely-fabulous-host Peter Everett calls the guests out of the crowd. Because they don’t just walk to the stage, they have to walk to the stage bringing a small shopping bag of groceries with them, which they use during the show. And for some reason it’s really REALLY hard to look normal while walking down stairs, wearing stage makeup, and holding a single canvas shopping bag.

Today Host Peter is as orange as Shayne Hayne and accentuating it with a bright pink button-down. Rock on, Everett!

First up he calls down Robbie ‘Nips’ Farah from Wests Tigers. Robbie’s carrying his little red bag of ingredients and wearing the tightest shirt in the history of mankind and we can totally all see the nips that have made him famous. WE CAN ALSO SEE HIS SPLEEN. It’s very … Chris Heighington. God knows hino loves a tight tee more than life.

Now, from the amazingly camp way P.Ev screams out “HE’S THE CAPTAIN!” you were probably expecting this:

But no, it’s Nips Farah. For some reason there’s a random girl in a Manly jersey in the crowd. There’s always a Manly fan. According to P.Ev, Nips’ resume goes something like:

“He’s handsome, he’s terrific … he’s an athlete”. Well said, Pete. They have an awkward hug and things are as awkward as a one-legged awkward cowboy trying to ride into Awkward Town on a horse named “I wish there was a fire exit”.

Pete gropes Nips’ biceps while Nips just stands there with his hands clasped over his crotch in the international body language symbol for terror. Protect the genitals!

If you haven’t noticed, yes, P.Ev is kind of chubby and pervy. Basically, he’s us if we were men. Nips shows the crowd what he has in his bag o’ shopping ingredients, and the crowd go nuts for a punnet of potatoes. He pulls out a punnet of dates and P.Ev asks “do you like a good date?”

Of course he does.

Next up Sam Burgess makes his entry with his bag o’ shopping goodies and Peter greets him with a hug and by grabbing his biceps and waving them at the audience. That’s how we greet people, too! Sammy shows off his foodstuffs and the crowd is very suspicious of the tuna, but fucking overjoyed by the fennel.

The sight of Sam Burgess holding a tiny bunch of broccolini in his hand like a single flower and saying “broooccooolayni” is one of the top ten greatest things I’ve ever seen.

He tells the nation that he moved out of home early: “I had to learn myself to cook. I’m very simple but I love cooking.”

The crowd are loling hysterically and you can hear Sam yell out “I MEAN I’M NOT SIMPLE! I JUST COOK SIMPLE FOOD!”

Sammy’s chef partner tells the crowd they’re going to cook seared tuna and a random man in the audience can be heard saying “oh yeaaaah”.

SCP tells the crowd they will also make tuna tartar and Kiki and I argue about whether the random audience dude says “oh baby!” or “oh, dangerous!” Either way, he has really, really strong opinions regarding tuna and the cooking thereof.

Pete and Sam stand around and snuggle for awhile, and Nips Farah puts on an apron. It’s delightful.

Sammy talks about how one time he asked if he could wear tights and ride horseback through the forest as an extra in Russell Crowe’s Robin Hood. Apparently “health and safety reasons prevented it”. Health and safety reasons meaning they had already cast little John.

Then he tells us that apparently, last time his mum came to town she had to stay in Australia for three weeks because of the tornado in Iceland. Tornado, volcano. Potato, Tomato. Whatever.

P.Ev is very concerned about the fact that Sam is single. OH REALLY PETER? YOU ONLY TOLD US TEN TIMES ALREADY. He wants to know “I don’t understand how you’re single being so pleasant!”

Pleasant? That’s quite the compliment, Peter. It’s like the time Kiki’s mum asked her why I was single. Her exact words were “how is Sassy single? She’s a nice girl. And she has a nice figure”. Let’s not go too crazy here. One time she also said I look just like Rosie the hobbit from Lord of the Rings, which is worrying because unlike the other comment, it’s 100% true.

P.Ev picks up his game and calls Sam “very young and handsome”. Then he tells us Sam’s single again and actually yells “WOOHOO!”  The chef minions walk around and cook stuff.

P.Ev wanders over and asks Nips Farah if he’s also lonely. Robbie snaps back NO like a freaked out cat. Clearly he is too busy ripping up herbs for this chit-chattery. He is a very serious young man.

Finally we reach the business end of the show, where the guests taste the chef’s food and the audience votes.

Nips tries an eggplant lasagne, a tartine (IT HAS EGGS! Sam is probably jealous), and he’s really scarfing that shit down. He’s also doing that thing where you point your fork at something and grunt and point and nod with a mouthful of food to signify “this is a truly delicious dish”.

Nips then continues eating, while the camera pans to Sam’s team and their food. Hello Sam’s time to shine! For some reason I feel reasonably confident this is a man who knows his way around a knife and fork. No judgment, I’m obsessed with food too. Like a labrador.

There’s something that involves olives. He randomly says “the olives! the flavour!” then licks his thumb and goes back for seconds. The seared tuna gets an oh yeah of approval, and he may just be the happiest boy in the world right now. We get to the banana parfait dessert and sam literally FIST PUMPS. It’s amazing and heartwarming.

He tells the audience he’ll “go hard” and stuffs his mouth with parfait.

According to the audience, Sam’s team wins and he punches the air with joy. He wins a set of knives, and Nips wins a whole lot of olive oil. Translation: everyone wins!

Just to finish off the show with a final moment of intense awkwardness, Peter Everett thanks Nips for his wonderful charity work, and looks meaningfully at Sam while he says “welcome to Australia. We hope you find happiness here.”

Sam eats a whole eggplant and … credits.

* Alternate title for this post was, in fact: ready, steady …. NIPPLES!

19 

women in league – the newest convert

March 22nd, 2010

Hello Errol friends. I would like to introduce you to Yasmin. She enjoys dark beer (see above), is my roomie, and most importantly…is footy’s newest fan.

One of my hobbies is pressuring/harassing/manipulating people into liking things I’m into. It just makes life easier for me, you know? Sassy and I did this to Lozzy in 2008, and this time around it was Yasmin’s turn. When we moved in together 6 months ago I informed her she was lucky it was the off season, so she didn’t have to sit through endless hours of footy on the TV. She was glad.

Flash forward to current day and I have on my hands an obsessed little Bunnies fan who is a ferocious and committed competitor in both footy tipping AND fantasy league competitions. I happily take most of the credit for this amazing turnaround, but I have to give props to footy for being so innately awesome and hilarious. Really all I was doing for Yasmin was pointing out the spectacularly amusing points and letting it go from there. Let’s hear from Yassy herself, shall we?

I’ve never been a big Footy fan, I mean sure, of course I celebrated the Knights Grand Final wins in 97 & 2001 but I really had no choice, I didn’t want to be cut. Have you ever been to Newie? It’s like Beyond Thunderdome there.

So after moving in with Kiki in Maroubra last year, I decided it was time to take the plunge & pick a team, after all I think that was part of the problem, I mean the Knights really aren’t all that lovable.

Once I got to Maroubra I had an epiphany & settled on the Bunnies, after all I was now living in major Bunnies territory, I once had a pet bunny (Kurt Cobain RIP). I’m a winter so I look good in red & green, then of course there was the Rusty factor. It was fate, even as I complained last year there weren’t enough attractive players in the team, Rusty got Sam Burgess all the way from England just for me.

I never do anything by halves, can tend to focus on something/someone until it becomes an obsession & being a footy fan has proved to be no exception. I will even admit to looking at the Rabbitohs website daily & watching Rusty’s Christmas message whenever I feel sad (do yourself a favour and go watch it, you won’t regret it and will find yourself quoting it).

So now I am now fully addicted to Fantasy League & am a tough supercoach. My need to win outweighs my loyalty (my future husband included, shhh don’t tell him) & if they don’t perform to Coach Yasbean’s expectations, then off with their heads.


Don’t mess with the supercoaches.

But hold on a minute, I am also a multi-tasker. Not only am I a Supercoach, I also like to coach the Bunnies in real life. So next week when the Bunnies finally win, you can thank me & the ‘Ball Control, Bunnies!’ sign I erected on our front lawn that the team had to pass on the way to recovery after the game against the Titans.

As she says, she really doesn’t do anything by halves. I woke up on a Sunday a few weeks ago to be accosted in our living room with her yelling “KIKI. THANK GOD YOU’RE AWAKE. I’VE MADE A FANTASY TEAM AND U NEED TO TELL ME HOW GOOD IT IS.”

She later admitted that not only did she make a fantasy team, but after she had used up all the players she knew previously (the big names) she then visited every team’s website to find the best looking player that cost the least on the salary cap. That is dedication people.

By far the best thing about introducing someone to footy, is seeing the game through new eyes. Yasmin has provided me with some epic lolz so far. I would like to share these quotes with you.

“Oooh! This is so fun! Everyone at the footy is so FRIENDLY!” – at the Charity Shield after a man asked me to hold his hot dog while he bought a beer

“Who is the guy in the….the…the head hat?”
– asked while pointing at Preston Campbell at the All Stars game

“Oooh! I want that black guy in my fantasy team!”
– excitedly yelled while watching Rhys Wesser return the ball

“Is it wrong that I find Robbie Farah attractive?” – while watching a Tigers game

“I have Jarrod Yeeha in my fantasy team.” – Yasmin on Jharal Yow-Yeh

“FUCKING BUNNIES. Less tweeting about banana bread, more training Burgess!” – after suffering her first loss as a Rabbitohs fan

“Omigod. The Mozzies were on the footy show and B.Moz was wearing a BACKPACK and he looks like a giant 5 year old. I taped it for you. If you get in the shower and get ready on time, I’ll let you watch it.” – her greeting as soon as I woke up yesterday

“They were warming up in front of me and I was looking at their leg muscles and I thought…THIS IS A GREAT GAME THIS IS” – at Leichardt Oval, after watching the Balmain Tigers warm up

” How does Dave Taylor manage to play this game? There are so many bloody rules!” – after me attempting to explain how the in goal/restart rules work

To say I am proud of how she’s embraced footy fandom is an understatement. Not only has she enthusiastically embraced everything NRL, but she is also loving the joy that is the NSW Cup. The fact she finds Tigers captain Lee Bennett super spunky may have something to do with it. I think the 4 dollar beers help too. She is also planning a range of footy coloured girls pyjamas (she’s a talented designer, for reals) for us to sell on Errol. AND she even made me awesome Dragons themed nail art.

Keep an eye out for Yasmin’s weekly appearance in Fantasy League Fridays. I can safely say she is extremely committed to being a fantasy coach, as she talks about it at home at least 3.5 times a day.

One last thing.  The NRL are constantly trying to improve the game for women, and now they have a spiffy little survey for us to fill out to help them achieve their goals. We have all filled it out, so you should too. You can find it here. Go now, it finishes on March 30th. THANKS GUYZ LOVE YA.

3 

all stars, all time

February 16th, 2010

WOW WOW WOW WOOOOOW

How can we put into words just how freaking insanely AWESOME this game was? Admittedly, when it comes to footy, it doesn’t take us much to get excited. It doesn’t even have to be an actual game. We get footy thrills from just watching training, reading lolz articles, seeing photos of players we like in the paper (OMG GUYS PRESTON IS ON THE FRONT PAGE!!!), discussing fantasty football at length during plane rides, listening to Wes Carr’s ‘Woah’ on iTunes…..you get the idea.

As the above photo accurately portrays, when it comes to footy we are pretty much cats with a ball of yarn. EXCITING! FASCINATING! OCCUPIED FOR HOURS! But even our tragic league brains can recognise when something is universally amazing. And the All Stars game was. When non-footy people make a point of saying to us ‘wasn’t that game brilliant?’ you know it’s hit a nerve.

Shout out to our gorgeous friend Eddie, who is a recent footy convert….she watched it alone at home back in Sydney and sent us endless text messages like “Ummmm I keep tearing up. What is wrong with me??” and “Ooooh Sam Burgess is hot!“. Considering she doesn’t even like guys, that’s a pretty big compliment for Sam.

All this excitement, AND  we got to hang out at the NRL’s One Community stand before the game and people…WE MET HEALTHY HAROLD. Yes, the giraffe that came to our primary schools and taught us about healfy fings. In a caravan. Everyone knows any message spread inside a caravan is one worth spreading. Together with Harold and Mario Fenech we challenged kids to making funny faces with fruit, vegies and wholegrain tortillas. Yes, you read that right.

After spending the week in the Goldy and meeting so many Indigenous people involved in the game, players, management and fans, watching the game took on a whole new significance for us. Not to get all political or anything, but when the amazing dancers were performing, we marvelled at the fact Indigenous culture is still so strong and so proud, after White Australia has had more than a few cracks at destroying it.

k

The feeling in the stadium was something we’ve never experienced before. It made Origin look understated and passionless. We will straight up admit : shit got emotional. There was definitely goosebumps and we had to literally choke back tears a few times during the night. Please don’t point out that we are weird or creepily and suddenly attached to a people and culture that are not our own, WE KNOW, WE KNOW. You just can’t help how ya feel, okay?

We won’t go through the game play by play, because we know you all watched it for yourselves, but our highlights include – Wendell’s beautiful try and his hysterical didgeredoo routine afterwards, youngin Blake Ferguson chasing down Izzy Folau to save a try, Corey Patterson’s MASSIVE hit on Kurt Gidley (we swear you could hear that oooooof noise up the other end of the field) and best of all, Errol fave Tiny Dancer Soward scoring that absolute ripper of a try to win the game. SO.FREAKING.GOOD.

Oh, also? Matt Cooper in an entirely white uniform was pretty sweet too.

Much fun was had post game too. Including -

- the fact that we were so proud that we were in the same room Wayne Bennett for hours without accosting him … until Kiki’s liquid courage kicked in and she trotted over to introduce herself. The result? UNCLE WAYNE SMILED. For realz. She also showed him her beloved Dragons necklace (that she never takes off) and he said it was … wait for it … “adorable”. Yes people, Uncle Wayne used the word adorable. We are still speechless.

(She also may or may not have put her back out while performing her OMGZ I JUST MET GOD dance for a group of people. It’s still sore.)

- Sassy finding herself in a Serious Discussion about what would be the best approach to coaching a forward like Sam Burgess with Brad Fittler and Telegraph journo Andrew Webster. All she could offer was ‘ummmmmm … did you know I once coached a fantasy team?’

- a rugby league legend helpfully telling us if we wanna be on TV, we have to ‘tone the hair down … you have TOO MUCH HAIR’. Also ‘you have beautiful faces! The hair is a distraction!’. Easily the weirdest and loliest moment of our week, possibly our lives. Kiki had to talk down Sassy from marching over and telling him it’s Queensland, mate! You try keeping your curls under control in this kind of humidity. GOD.

(He had clearly been to one of those management courses where they teach you how to give advice without offending people by MAKING SURE YOU THROW IN A COMPLIMENT. “Girls! You have too much hair … um, but you’re beautiful too. Please don’t hit me” – Sass)

- Kiki finally fulfilling her aim of the week, and getting her hug from Jamal Idris.  And by ‘getting’, we mean she stormed up to him purposefully, yelled JAMAL I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN I HAVE TO HUG YOU and launched herself at him. Thankfully he didn’t seem to be too bothered by her creepiness.

- Kiki then asking Jamal if his acting ambitions are for real, or were they a media beat up. His answer? He really, truly wants to be an actor. We could not love him more.

And with that, the best week ever was over and we were relegated to being sad pandas. The countdown to All Stars II has begun. Bring it on!

We want to say big BIG thankyous to the NRL, especially Trish, Janelle, Jodie and Nish. And much love to DG, DT and John B, thanks for for the encouragement and support boys! Also thanks to Jason from the Titans, Phil, Chris and the boys from the NSW U16′s Indigenous team. And of course to all the players who were very generous and gracious all week.

5 

what the community needs now … is shirtlessness

February 11th, 2010

Some days are … unexpected. You start out driving around lost in your ridiculous (borrowed) beige Mitsubishi Sigma station wagon, and before you know it you’re holding a microphone up to a shirtless Sam Burgess and trying to look at his eyes while he’s talking instead of his pecs.

Thursday afternoon the boys from the All-Stars and the Indigenous team all headed to White Water World to hang out with some special kids at a One Community function, and for reasons we don’t wanna question we were allowed to interview the players and cover it for nrl.com. Thank you, universe!

If there’s anything more adorable than footy players living it up with mobs of school children on giant waterslides … we haven’t seen it. Robbie Farah had barely made it in the gates before he had his shirt off and had hit the waterslide in his Teamm8 boardies. Luke Bailey spent the ride yelling out ‘we’re gonna flip! we’re gonna flip!’, and Josh Morris got out of his giant inflatable raft by executing an amazing face-plant into the pool. It was magical.

All the boys were paired up, which meant Nate Myles and Anthony Watmough were paired up to wrangle and entertain a group of kids together. All we can say is that – together – those two radiate mischief, especially when they’re squishing Kiki on either side to cover her in water. We love Watmough’s personalised mike check, too. It goes something like: WET…WATMOUGH…CHECK 1-2 …WET … into the microphone. So good.

George Rose took out fashions on the field with his awesome headdress: an soaking wet indigenous team shirt tied into a do-rag. Also, props to Georgie for rocking the full chest hair rug when everyone else had gone the trim. Represent, Burt Reynolds!

Did we mention the shirtlessness?

For one thing, yes shirtless Sam Burgess is exactly as much of a dreamboat as you’d expect.

Clearly we are not the kind of people who think ahead. If we did, we woulda realised that to go on waterslides, yes, people tend to get their gear off. But somehow our booze and TV-addled brains didn’t manage to put 2 and 2 together to get ‘shirtless Matt Cooper’. GOOD GOD. They should put a warning on that. Not only shirtless, but SOAKING WET.

Kiki was midway through recording to camera when her mouth just opened like one of those rotating clowns at the Easter Show, she fell completely silent for about 5 seconds, then yelled CRAP when she realised she’d blown her take. It was all totally Hot Bitch Cooper’s fault for walking past, pausing and watching her and, you know … existing. How are we meant to stay professional under those kind of circumstances? We’re seriously considering filing some kind of shirtless incapacitation claim.

We’ve never seen as many happy kids though. Swishing around in plastic rafts with Sam Thaiday! Wrestling with Wendell in the wave pool! Saying creepy things about getting to touch Jonathon Thurston (that bit was kinda weird, not gonna lie).

We’re not really what you’d describe as ‘shy’ but spotting Wayne Bennett almost made us silent. Mid conversation with our cameramen we grabbed each other and yelled IT’S UNCLE WAYNE! We stood there for a good 5 minutes, clutching each other while Sassy pointed and Kiki announced “it’s like being 3 metres away from GOD!”. Needless to say our cameramen were … confused.

We kept spotting players we wanted to interview but couldn’t grab because they happened to be having a discussion with the great Benny. Rule number 1 of fight club: you do not interrupt Uncle Wayne.

You can however, interrupt the Australian captain Cam Smith and halfback Jonathan Thurston purely to get to Gordon Tallis to ask him for an interview. That’s totally fine.

As far as we’re concerned hosting community events at water parks is the greatest idea ever. We like to think it was another one from Preston Campbell’s Big Books of Awesome Ideas. First he comes up with the Indigenous showcase game – which we’re already in love with – then he busts out shirtless Thursday on the Gold Coast.

Thumbs up, Pres!

Stay tuned for the video, we’ll link you when it’s up x