Ever watched daytime tv? Of course you have. It’s what sick days are for.
Well this week, two of our Errol faves were guests on that bastion of mid-afternoon entertainment, Ready, Steady, Cook!
Holy cuteness, batman! Hi boys!
And luckily for those of you who are productive members of society, we’re gonna walk you through how it went down.
If you’re unfamiliar with Ready Steady, Cook, one of the most delightful moments of the show is when the insanely touch-feely-fabulous-host Peter Everett calls the guests out of the crowd. Because they don’t just walk to the stage, they have to walk to the stage bringing a small shopping bag of groceries with them, which they use during the show. And for some reason it’s really REALLY hard to look normal while walking down stairs, wearing stage makeup, and holding a single canvas shopping bag.
Today Host Peter is as orange as Shayne Hayne and accentuating it with a bright pink button-down. Rock on, Everett!
First up he calls down Robbie ‘Nips’ Farah from Wests Tigers. Robbie’s carrying his little red bag of ingredients and wearing the tightest shirt in the history of mankind and we can totally all see the nips that have made him famous. WE CAN ALSO SEE HIS SPLEEN. It’s very … Chris Heighington. God knows hino loves a tight tee more than life.
Now, from the amazingly camp way P.Ev screams out “HE’S THE CAPTAIN!” you were probably expecting this:
But no, it’s Nips Farah. For some reason there’s a random girl in a Manly jersey in the crowd. There’s always a Manly fan. According to P.Ev, Nips’ resume goes something like:
“He’s handsome, he’s terrific … he’s an athlete”. Well said, Pete. They have an awkward hug and things are as awkward as a one-legged awkward cowboy trying to ride into Awkward Town on a horse named “I wish there was a fire exit”.
Pete gropes Nips’ biceps while Nips just stands there with his hands clasped over his crotch in the international body language symbol for terror. Protect the genitals!
If you haven’t noticed, yes, P.Ev is kind of chubby and pervy. Basically, he’s us if we were men. Nips shows the crowd what he has in his bag o’ shopping ingredients, and the crowd go nuts for a punnet of potatoes. He pulls out a punnet of dates and P.Ev asks “do you like a good date?”
Of course he does.
Next up Sam Burgess makes his entry with his bag o’ shopping goodies and Peter greets him with a hug and by grabbing his biceps and waving them at the audience. That’s how we greet people, too! Sammy shows off his foodstuffs and the crowd is very suspicious of the tuna, but fucking overjoyed by the fennel.
The sight of Sam Burgess holding a tiny bunch of broccolini in his hand like a single flower and saying “broooccooolayni” is one of the top ten greatest things I’ve ever seen.
He tells the nation that he moved out of home early: “I had to learn myself to cook. I’m very simple but I love cooking.”
The crowd are loling hysterically and you can hear Sam yell out “I MEAN I’M NOT SIMPLE! I JUST COOK SIMPLE FOOD!”
Sammy’s chef partner tells the crowd they’re going to cook seared tuna and a random man in the audience can be heard saying “oh yeaaaah”.
SCP tells the crowd they will also make tuna tartar and Kiki and I argue about whether the random audience dude says “oh baby!” or “oh, dangerous!” Either way, he has really, really strong opinions regarding tuna and the cooking thereof.
Pete and Sam stand around and snuggle for awhile, and Nips Farah puts on an apron. It’s delightful.
Sammy talks about how one time he asked if he could wear tights and ride horseback through the forest as an extra in Russell Crowe’s Robin Hood. Apparently “health and safety reasons prevented it”. Health and safety reasons meaning they had already cast little John.
Then he tells us that apparently, last time his mum came to town she had to stay in Australia for three weeks because of the tornado in Iceland. Tornado, volcano. Potato, Tomato. Whatever.
P.Ev is very concerned about the fact that Sam is single. OH REALLY PETER? YOU ONLY TOLD US TEN TIMES ALREADY. He wants to know “I don’t understand how you’re single being so pleasant!”
Pleasant? That’s quite the compliment, Peter. It’s like the time Kiki’s mum asked her why I was single. Her exact words were “how is Sassy single? She’s a nice girl. And she has a nice figure”. Let’s not go too crazy here. One time she also said I look just like Rosie the hobbit from Lord of the Rings, which is worrying because unlike the other comment, it’s 100% true.
P.Ev picks up his game and calls Sam “very young and handsome”. Then he tells us Sam’s single again and actually yells “WOOHOO!” The chef minions walk around and cook stuff.
P.Ev wanders over and asks Nips Farah if he’s also lonely. Robbie snaps back NO like a freaked out cat. Clearly he is too busy ripping up herbs for this chit-chattery. He is a very serious young man.
Finally we reach the business end of the show, where the guests taste the chef’s food and the audience votes.
Nips tries an eggplant lasagne, a tartine (IT HAS EGGS! Sam is probably jealous), and he’s really scarfing that shit down. He’s also doing that thing where you point your fork at something and grunt and point and nod with a mouthful of food to signify “this is a truly delicious dish”.
Nips then continues eating, while the camera pans to Sam’s team and their food. Hello Sam’s time to shine! For some reason I feel reasonably confident this is a man who knows his way around a knife and fork. No judgment, I’m obsessed with food too. Like a labrador.
There’s something that involves olives. He randomly says “the olives! the flavour!” then licks his thumb and goes back for seconds. The seared tuna gets an oh yeah of approval, and he may just be the happiest boy in the world right now. We get to the banana parfait dessert and sam literally FIST PUMPS. It’s amazing and heartwarming.
He tells the audience he’ll “go hard” and stuffs his mouth with parfait.
According to the audience, Sam’s team wins and he punches the air with joy. He wins a set of knives, and Nips wins a whole lot of olive oil. Translation: everyone wins!
Just to finish off the show with a final moment of intense awkwardness, Peter Everett thanks Nips for his wonderful charity work, and looks meaningfully at Sam while he says “welcome to Australia. We hope you find happiness here.”
Sam eats a whole eggplant and … credits.
* Alternate title for this post was, in fact: ready, steady …. NIPPLES!