OH HAY BITCHES!

It’s no secret that Errol is a gay-friendly zone. If there were a blog-equivalent of PFLAG, then we’d be in it. If we weren’t technologically retarded we would put a happy little rainbow flag on the site to show you.

So keep your Mardi-hate away from the comments section, please. It’s one night! If you care not for parades and rainbows and glitter and topless ladies on bikes, you can stay home and work on your cross-stitch. If you need a break, maybe google all the great things the gays have given you, like Elton John songs, Olympic gold medals, and the Pauline Hanson Mardi Gras float where her huge creepy head was chasnig ‘ethnic’ fish n chips down Oxford St. Remember that? Shit was incredible. Incredible, and eerily lifelike.

Sadly this year – because we’re heading to Homebush for the Charity Shield Bunnies vs Dragons game tomorrow – we can’t watch the parade or put on fake eyelashes and join in the insanity afterwards. Tragedy. Now we’ll never find out what ridiculous shenanigans we would’ve pulled off during the course of the night. Would Kiki have ended up with a torn tulle fairy skirt and chewing gum in her hair again? Would I wear something ridiculously inappropriate again like a skintight leather skirt and be unable to sit or stand without a burly gay lifting me? Would we meet a Karl Lagerfeld drag king again and start a fight by pulling his ponytail? (Sorry about that, btw). WOULD ANYONE PASH A GAY MAN? So many unanswered questions.

We probably would’ve headed for Charlotte Dawson’s Arena party, so maybe she can fill us in later. Get onto it pls Daws.

So instead, we have to celebrate Mardi Gras Eve. I plan to spend it at home doing what everyone should be doing pre-Mardi Gras: fake tanning. You know it’s true.

That way I’ll also look golden brown when I try and defuse fights between Dragons fan Kiki and our friend Yassy (new and devoted Bunnies fan).

What I like to think Wendell will be wearing on the night.

Personally, I’m kind of undecided. On one hand, I have a weird love for St George. Partly, that’s because I find their halves combination of Tiny Dancer and Hornbag completely adorable, and would kinda love to ask them over for afternoon tea to explain in depth that I totally believe in their skills even though they occasionally have flat games where they seem to shut down run out of attacking options.

Also partly because I think Uncle Wayne might be some kind of superhuman. He is the only person so far in my life to render me speechless. Even after two champagnes I couldn’t talk to him. I was muted by Benny. And I am never mute. I’m also overly invested in Jason ‘Flossy’ Nightingale and his success: a) because he looks like a labrador when he plays, and b) because following in Wendell Sailor’s footsteps is tough.

On the other hand, I have a massive platonic crush on Peter Holmes a Court. He’s seriously up there with Lee Furlong now on my list of non-sexual crushes. He’s just so clever! And so nice! And so pretty! On the Goldy – because I am a tool who does embarassing things – I announced to a group of rugby league bigwigs that “Peter Holmes a Court is a DREAMBOAT”. God I’m a winner. Which of course means if I cheer against the Bunnies it will have to be in secret in case the Dreamboat finds out.

And as a warm up to footy tipping for this year (have you joined our comp yet? GO DO IT NOW) I’ll even tip the game for ya – Dragons will win it but not by much. Matt Cooper will remain ridiculously hot, Beau Champion will play almost as well as he did at All-Stars, and Tiny Dancer will dance again (hopefully in a Mardi Gras-themed headgear).

Happy Mardi Gras babies!

WOW WOW WOW WOOOOOW

How can we put into words just how freaking insanely AWESOME this game was? Admittedly, when it comes to footy, it doesn’t take us much to get excited. It doesn’t even have to be an actual game. We get footy thrills from just watching training, reading lolz articles, seeing photos of players we like in the paper (OMG GUYS PRESTON IS ON THE FRONT PAGE!!!), discussing fantasty football at length during plane rides, listening to Wes Carr’s ‘Woah’ on iTunes…..you get the idea.

As the above photo accurately portrays, when it comes to footy we are pretty much cats with a ball of yarn. EXCITING! FASCINATING! OCCUPIED FOR HOURS! But even our tragic league brains can recognise when something is universally amazing. And the All Stars game was. When non-footy people make a point of saying to us ‘wasn’t that game brilliant?’ you know it’s hit a nerve.

Shout out to our gorgeous friend Eddie, who is a recent footy convert….she watched it alone at home back in Sydney and sent us endless text messages like “Ummmm I keep tearing up. What is wrong with me??” and “Ooooh Sam Burgess is hot!“. Considering she doesn’t even like guys, that’s a pretty big compliment for Sam.

All this excitement, AND  we got to hang out at the NRL’s One Community stand before the game and people…WE MET HEALTHY HAROLD. Yes, the giraffe that came to our primary schools and taught us about healfy fings. In a caravan. Everyone knows any message spread inside a caravan is one worth spreading. Together with Harold and Mario Fenech we challenged kids to making funny faces with fruit, vegies and wholegrain tortillas. Yes, you read that right.

After spending the week in the Goldy and meeting so many Indigenous people involved in the game, players, management and fans, watching the game took on a whole new significance for us. Not to get all political or anything, but when the amazing dancers were performing, we marvelled at the fact Indigenous culture is still so strong and so proud, after White Australia has had more than a few cracks at destroying it.

The feeling in the stadium was something we’ve never experienced before. It made Origin look understated and passionless. We will straight up admit : shit got emotional. There was definitely goosebumps and we had to literally choke back tears a few times during the night. Please don’t point out that we are weird or creepily and suddenly attached to a people and culture that are not our own, WE KNOW, WE KNOW. You just can’t help how ya feel, okay?

We won’t go through the game play by play, because we know you all watched it for yourselves, but our highlights include – Wendell’s beautiful try and his hysterical didgeredoo routine afterwards, youngin Blake Ferguson chasing down Izzy Folau to save a try, Corey Patterson’s MASSIVE hit on Kurt Gidley (we swear you could hear that oooooof noise up the other end of the field) and best of all, Errol fave Tiny Dancer Soward scoring that absolute ripper of a try to win the game. SO.FREAKING.GOOD.

Oh, also? Matt Cooper in an entirely white uniform was pretty sweet too.

Much fun was had post game too. Including -

- the fact that we were so proud that we were in the same room Wayne Bennett for hours without accosting him … until Kiki’s liquid courage kicked in and she trotted over to introduce herself. The result? UNCLE WAYNE SMILED. For realz. She also showed him her beloved Dragons necklace (that she never takes off) and he said it was … wait for it … “adorable”. Yes people, Uncle Wayne used the word adorable. We are still speechless.

(She also may or may not have put her back out while performing her OMGZ I JUST MET GOD dance for a group of people. It’s still sore.)

- Sassy finding herself in a Serious Discussion about what would be the best approach to coaching a forward like Sam Burgess with Brad Fittler and Telegraph journo Andrew Webster. All she could offer was ‘ummmmmm … did you know I once coached a fantasy team?’

- a rugby league legend helpfully telling us if we wanna be on TV, we have to ‘tone the hair down … you have TOO MUCH HAIR’. Also ‘you have beautiful faces! The hair is a distraction!’. Easily the weirdest and loliest moment of our week, possibly our lives. Kiki had to talk down Sassy from marching over and telling him it’s Queensland, mate! You try keeping your curls under control in this kind of humidity. GOD.

(He had clearly been to one of those management courses where they teach you how to give advice without offending people by MAKING SURE YOU THROW IN A COMPLIMENT. “Girls! You have too much hair … um, but you’re beautiful too. Please don’t hit me” – Sass)

- Kiki finally fulfilling her aim of the week, and getting her hug from Jamal Idris.  And by ‘getting’, we mean she stormed up to him purposefully, yelled JAMAL I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN I HAVE TO HUG YOU and launched herself at him. Thankfully he didn’t seem to be too bothered by her creepiness.

- Kiki then asking Jamal if his acting ambitions are for real, or were they a media beat up. His answer? He really, truly wants to be an actor. We could not love him more.

And with that, the best week ever was over and we were relegated to being sad pandas. The countdown to All Stars II has begun. Bring it on!

We want to say big BIG thankyous to the NRL, especially Trish, Janelle, Jodie and Nish. And much love to DG, DT and John B, thanks for for the encouragement and support boys! Also thanks to Jason from the Titans, Phil, Chris and the boys from the NSW U16’s Indigenous team. And of course to all the players who were very generous and gracious all week.

Life as a blogger can be tough, even at Christmas. Sure there are pluses – like the comfort of working in your pyjamas and the joy of photoshopping hats onto Serious Naked Photos, but then there’s also the having to live off beans from a can, the potential for carpul tunnel syndrome, the anonymous boys online who call you footy sluts … wait, actually that last one is actually just funny. But still, shit can get brutal yo*.

* in no way do I actually think this is brutal, compared to, say, people who live through war or have health problems which mean they’re not allowed to drink, or haven’t ever heard of the Backstreet Boys. Now THAT’S tough.

What was my point? Oh yeah, being a footy fan can be a complete bitch sometimes, too. And by ’sometimes’ I pretty much mean ‘when you go for the Roosters or the Sharks’.

And most importantly, life can be toughest of all when a great human like Wendell Sailor announces his retirement. Today is officially one month since we all got the sniffles saying goodbye to Dell. It’s a Delliversary!

So we decided to try and find a little footy sunshine to brighten up everyone’s weekend. Luckily, the Dragons have some of the greatest corporate partners ever, and have this totally brilliant Reebok ad up on their website starring Big Dell himself.

IT’S WENDELL! DANCING! IN REEBOK GEAR!

Yes, maybe I did make a mini-collage of screencaps of Dell dancing. What of it?

Now that is some brilliant advertising right there. If you can watch that without wanting to buy I-DON’T-EVEN-CARE-WHATEVER-DELL-IS-SELLING then you’re a stronger person than I am. Honestly, this is the kinda shit they should be talking about on the Gruen Transfer. It’s fantastic.

Even better? Dragons besties and Errol faves Wendell and Jamie ‘Tiny Dancer’ Soward also pop up to wish you a merry Christmas on the Dragons homepage …. in Santa hats. And Dell telling us all to become Red V members. Not gonna lie …. I may have joined up. Even though I’m not a Dragons fan. That’s the power of the Dell. Whoever is looking after the Dragons website, we salute you. WE. SALUTE.YOU.

And if Wendell being hilarious isn’t your style (which …. seriously? It’s not your style? You absolute freak. Do you also eat babies and put your toilet paper on the roll underhand?) we found you some adorableness from across the Tasman and north of the Tweed.

Pic. Getty Images

Yup, that right there is Errol Cutest Rooke of the Year from 2008, Kevin Locke, bringing the cute with his Maori greetings all over the island of Shebangabang (occasionally known as New Zealand). He is hands-down Shebangabang’s cutest footy player, am I right? I’m so right.

Meanwhile Scotty Prince and the Titans boys have been busy …. playing bowls.

That’s right, playing bowls. And for some reason, footy players playing bowls = comedy gold. All those giant arms, no need for strength! It may also be because, in Kevin Gordon’s case, they love an Akubra. Oh, K.Flash. Could this be the first time I’ve ever swooned at a man in an Akubra? My guess is yes.

And if that doesn’t cheer you up, maybe you should give up on life. Just sayin.

Love Sassy xox

So, big news, kittens. Sonny Bill Williams and Mark Gasnier are going to play against each other in Paris this week when their rugby union teams face up against each other. Amazing, huh?

I know, I feel the same way. Let’s move onto more important things.

I officially have a new footy crush … and it’s someone from the Tigers. 

So the news out of Wests Tigers HQ last week was that Beau ‘funniest thing on the Footy Show’ Ryan, Blake ‘Abercrombie & Fitch’ Ayshford, and Tim ‘Jewy name, Irish eyes’ Moltzen had re-signed with the team until the end of 2010. This made me happy because, well, they’re all adorable. I do have eyes, you know. Also, happy because the newspapers kept referring to the trio as ‘young guns’.

HOW GOOD WAS THE MOVIE YOUNG GUNS? I totally had a crush on Lou Diamond Phillips. True story.

I also really enjoyed Emilio Estevez’s sweet sweet braces.

But no, my crush isn’t one of the Young Guns. Guess again!

Straight after that, the news out of Wests HQ was that Steve Folkes, the new high performance manager, was NOT messing around. 

According to Timmy Moltzen:

“… in the gym the music’s off at the moment, and there’s no talking in the gym, which is about encouraging you to concentrate on doing your work. You can talk when you’re not working.”

How delightfully evil and Spartan and Footloose-esque. NO MUSIC, JUST WORK! 

Beau Ryan told the journo:

“Yeah, it’s been pretty hard. We’ve been doing a lot of running, and Folkesy likes training in the middle of the day, for some reason. We all had to get bikes, and tomorrow we’ve got swimming. I think we’re going to be the Wests greyhounds, not the Wests Tigers.”

Let me get this straight: Folkesy made the Tigers all give up modern transportation in favour of bikes? Then ride them in in the blazing pre-season sun to train at midday? 

HELLO NEW CRUSH! I’M COMPLETELY IN LOVE. He sounds like a demanding evil footy dictator and I love it. Pain is nothing! Winning is everything!

An evil dictator with a TRUNDLE WHEEL.
Pic. Quentin Jones

PLUS THE BOYS ARE TOTALLY SCARED OF HIM.

Lil Blake Ayshford said:

“There’s no music and no air-conditioner … so we’re sweating up a bit. I think he’s just trying to get us into the pre-season mentality – he’s really working us hard and stamping his authority at the moment, which is good. It’s working on us.”

”Hopefully, we’ll start getting the music in and the air-conditioner will start to work soon. One of the boys asked him whether the air-conditioner could be turned on, and he said it was broken. I don’t know whether it’s broken or not – we’re too scared to try it at the moment.”

This Folkes character is kinda starting to remind me of The Greatest Character in Television History, also known as Sue Sylvester from Glee.

To quote the fucking fierce Sue on the topic of fear: 

“We’re dealing with children, they need to be terrified, it’s like mothers milk to them – without it their bones won’t grow properly”.

Do you think he wears adidas tracksuits every day, too? In my mind he totally does.

Steve Folkes I love your work!

I hope he also stands on the sideline with a megaphone and yells out some of Sue Sylvester’s trademark inspirational phrases when the boys get tired:

“You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded, that’s hard!”

“You think this is hard? I’m living with hepatitis, that’s hard!”

“You think this is hard? Try filling your own cavity, that’s hard!”

Or when the boys fail to live up to their potential at training:

“This is what we call a total disaster, ladies. I’m going to have to ask you to smell your arm pits… That’s the smell of failure. And it’s stinking up my office!”

Maybe even to let the players know that turning up late to practice is UNACCEPTABLE:

“And if you are one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat, and then, on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your home … and punch you in the face.”

And then, of course, every week there has to be a story that could only be about rugby league. Like the week when Ben Hannant got swine flu. Or the week Sonny Bill Williams fled to Europe under cover of darkness. Some shit only happens in league. This week’s lucky winner?

Uncle Wayne (aka the Messiah of Kogarah) might be hiring a kick-ass judo trainer, who is also:

a) cage fighter;

b) a former Judo reserve for the Australian Olympic team, and;

c) ex-con who shared a jail cell with Ivan Milat.

Well OF COURSE HE IS. What else would you expect from a rugby league martial arts trainer? That kind of thing is too rugby league for words. Ain’t no soccer trainers who are reformed ex-jailbirds, are there? No rugby union support staff who’ve watched Ivan Milat pee. Rugby league, you never cease to surprise and amaze me. 

As for Mick Cutajar, who is the guy they’re talking about – and apparently a really good cage fighter, if you were wondering – all I have to say is: that’s one SWEET judo outfit. I like him. Maybe if the trainer thing doesn’t work out, Uncle Wayne can hire him as a fashion consultant … just send my commission to Errol HQ.

Intern John John anxiously awaited our return

HI DARLINGS!

I know, I know…we have been absent of late. We are shit and we know it. People keep harassing us asking for more blogs and are all WHY HAVEN’T YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THE GRAND FINAL YOU LAZY SHITS etc etc. We have no excuses except this one : being writers for a living now is both a blessing and a curse. Amazing because we get to do what we love and get paid for it, but shit because it kinda sucks out our creative juice and leaves us a bit well…dry.

And yes I am aware of how (untintentionally) gross that sentence was. 

Now let’s sum up what’s been happening in mah head lately

a) The Grand Final was bloody awful. And no, not because the Storm won. It was awful because I spent the whole day in deep emotional pain thinking THE BLOODY DRAGONS SHOULD BE HERE GODAMNIT THIS SUCKS. And by ‘thinking’, I mean ‘loudly announcing it to no one in particular then kicking the ground like a small child’.

I was in the middle of a booze ban but I had to down a couple of vodkas to cope. Once again, the Dragons are directly to blame for my alcohol intake. I hope Peter Doust has a special fund set up for my future liver transplant.

Also, I spent most of the day being enraged at the massive amounts of Parra bandwagoners that were milling about just begging to be punched in the face. Look I am all for new people coming to the game, and I truly want league to be really popular, but is there anything worse than tools sporting freshly bought merchandise and being Smuggy Mc Smuggersons? I’ll answer it for you: no, no there is not.

In an ironic twist, Billy Slater decides he hates overexposed fullbacks

On the bus there, we were sitting next to a girl who was wearing…wait for it…a backless bodysuit and a Parramatta scarf. Because her back is so hot but her neck is FREEZING! GO PARRA! She teamed this with skin tight jeans and strappy high heels. ARGH. We were forced to listen to her inane questions which consisted of ’so, like, is there like, a toilet near the seats?’ and ‘do you think the Eels would be like, nervous today?’. I bet her favourite player of all timez is Jarryd Hayne. He’s sooooo hot.

And yes, if you’re wondering, I am completely aware that I am bitter and resent the fact the Eels found form when my boys lost theirs. But in my defence, Kate, my other-bestie-that-isn’t-Sassy, the biggest Parra fan in the entire universe, also hates the bandwagoners with a passion. When I sent her an sms to describe the Bodysuit Girl she said ‘murder her immediately, I will visit you in jail I promise’.

b) In a twist that is worthy of a Mexican telenovela, I have decided I that I now like Billy Slater. Yes, really. I know, I know…I’m freaked out too.  Next thing you know my evil twin is gonna appear wearing a maroon jersey and stilettos, drinking Bundy rum and yelling QUEENSLANDER in peoples faces.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened, but I think it started with Rexona’s Greatest Athlete. Then it snowballed when our friend Edwina started to like footy. And by that I mean she started to obsess over Hot Bitch Cooper and Billy and started forcing me to realise Billy has beautiful skin and pretty eyes and oh god…he’s kinda cute. And worst of all, likeable.  I kept telling myself the only reason I was on GettyImages searching for Billy pix was for Eddie but then at the Grand Final I involuntarily yelled GO BILLY. I hate myself so much.

Kiki retreats to 1997 fashionz to ease the off season pain

c) I have literally experienced post season depression. I’ve been massively emo. For ages I couldn’t figure out why I felt like something had stolen my heart and filled my chest with sad sad cement then I realised oh my god, it’s because there’s no footy on. I am simultaneously proud and ashamed of this.

Okay now onto things that aren’t me.

So last week we got to play with the VB Kangaroos. Seriously. Somehow we managed to annoy charm the NRL’s media manager, David Taylor, into letting us come along to their media call and conduct some video interviews. Being the legend that he is, DT asked us who we wanted to speak to and he just made it all happen. Seriously kids, we just sat on our little lounge and superstahs like Billy Slater, Robbie Farah and the Mozzie twins were just brought over to us. Footy player delivery!

Anyway, since JJ and the boys had to hold down the fort at Errol HQ, we brought along our interns for the day, Loz and Butch. They found Errol by googling naked photos of David Williams, which is really quite fitting. They are basically 17 yr old versions of Sassy and myself, which I find both terrifying and delightful. Here is their take on the day (yes these interns actually exist and they wrote this for reals!).

***********************

Last Tuesday was National Nipples Day Out (thankyou Robbie ‘headlights’ Farah, ambassador of this campaign), otherwise known as the Kangaroo’s media call. We are best friends, we love football, the Sea Eagles, Georgie Rose, High School Musical, doing the hoedown throwdown whilst cooking and Big Del (Little Del goes down alright to). We DON’T love dirty dirty Queenslanders, with the exception of Billy Slater.

After 2nd helpings of Maccas breakfast, due to the fact we were an hour early, we met Kiki and Sassy and made our way into the Pullman htel, got settled and dolled ourselves up, ready for Robbie.

From the moment he walked around the corner, Robbie’s  infamous visible nipples were on full display for us (and didn’t we LOVE it). Bitch is also full of lolz, who knew?? When asked about his recent shirtless kebab photo, Robbie seemed….errrrr, slighty….confused, like he’s done it on many occasions……which is AWSOME, coz it means there are more out there. Here’s a preview -

Anyway, turns out Robbie is extremely proud of when he punched Anthony Watts waaaaaaay back in round 19. He was all ‘nobody thought I’d do it……..but I DID!’. Kinda like how kids are when they go to the toilet by themselves for the first time.

Next was Billy Slater. As we all circled around him (after Sassy elegantly kicked over a glass coke bottle that smashed everywhere), Kiki told him that this wasn’t gunna be a normal interview, he replied with (whilst looking slighty nervous) “I can see that”. Pretty AND observant, what’s not to love? Billy didn’t even seem bothered by Butch’s question of how he keeps his skin so radiant. His answer? GENETICS!! However, we did get the goss on who in the Melby (gag) team moisturizes. Cooper Cronk? OF COURSE he does. When one is a fierce bitch like Cooper Cronk, one must look after one’s skin, non?

Also, we are 99% sure that Watmough recognised us from the Manly fan days and shit like that were we have met him…. It may have also been that time when Butch walked past his car and he had ‘DAMN WHO’S A SEXY BITCH’ blaring (don’t even pretend that wasn’t aimed at me Watmough, you sly dog -B). Or, it could have just been in our heads. We have active imaginations, WHAT OF IT?

So while we waited for the Mozzies, we relaxed on the lounges. Apparently we’re relaxed interns (meaning we do nothing). Butch demonstrated how relaxed we were by reclining on the lounge in a slightly provocative manner. That magic moment was caught on tape by some lucky sport channel. Youtube it bitches!

Meanwhile, B.Moz cares not for being top point scorer of the Errol Wildcats, or the top try scoreer for the NRL, bitch just wanted to be captain of the Wildcats!

LOOK HOW UPSET HE IS! It seemed to us that J.Moz was kinda put off that B.Moz knew all about Errol but he didn’t. They also seemed quite please by the fact that they were nominated for the best legs in league, but slightly affronted that Uncy Wayne wasn’t nominated for Sexiest Coach.
 
In conclusion, footy we love you! We also kinda, maybe, probably, defssss love the people that play footy. Oh and Kiki and Sassy, we’ll intern for you anytime and we promise actual communication to the players next time, not just nervous giggles.

***********************

The girls were hilarious and adorable and we will have them intern with us again any time. We love you kittens!  Sassy and I will be writing our own post on the day, including VIDEO INTERVIEWS. Real ones! I know, I can’t believe they let us that close to the players either.

Is this the longest Errol post ever? Possibly. It should shut up you whingers that have been blog-begging for the past month anyway.

PS – MASSIVE thanks to the amazing David Taylor for hooking us up on Kangamaroooooos Day. DT, you are our new favourite person!

PPS -The Errol Awards are coming I swear to God.  We decided this year to leave them until after the season ended so we could stretch out the footy goodness as long as possible.

(photos from GettyImages)

HI BITCHES! Did you miss me? I know you did. You know who missed me more than anyone in the whole wide world? The bloody Dragons. You realise their form took a nosedive as soon as I left the country right? The little fuckers. This isn’t the first time either. In 2006 when I went to the States they lost every game while I was away, then started winning when I returned. And this time they did EXACTLY THE SAME THING.

The past 2 and a half weeks I couldn’t even enjoy my break. No no. I was deadset flooded with communication from home concerning the Dragons. Either it was St George fans begging me to come home, fans of other teams delighting in the Dragons misery (fuck all y’all!!) or my mother ringing saying things like ‘darling….I have some bad news’.

Anyway, we returned home last Friday and whaddyaknow, those tricksy little buggers found their form again and kicked some blue and yellow ass. They were all scorching attack, flawless hard hitting defence and OH HI B.MOZ GOT 3 TRIES! I was torn between being completely over joyed, horrifically jetlagged and being annoyed at them punishing me for going on holidays. Emotional manipulation! Disgrace!

Intern John John jumped into his spangly hotpants and checked the Errol mailbox on Monday morning and found a card my boys sent me. MINOR PREMIERS WHUT WHUUUUT! I adore the love hearts, that was Hot Bitch Cooper’s touch wasn’t it? He is a design genius. All is forgiven my darlings.

Obviously I am absolutely thrilled with the Minor Premiership and could not be prouder of my babies. I am also rather excited that in my absence  Dell has embraced his disco aura and is growing a fierce fro and sideburns combination. Amazing.

So anyway, our trip was amazing and we love the Jacksonville Axemen even more than before. Put it this way, there were goodbye tears. And hugs. And wailing. We will be writing some posts on them soon, including lots of awesome photos that we snapped. We had the most epic time and the boys, along with their staff and fans, are some of the greatest people we have ever met….so stay tuned for that.

In other vitally important Kiki/Errol newz, today I won a a guessing competition on Twitter. Who cares, you say? Oh no, this shit is lolz x 1000. For those who don’t know,  Mat Rogers has a Twitter. AND IT IS AMAZING. 

Today he posted this photo and asked his followers to guess who it was. The winner would receive a signed Titans poster.

I took one look and thought I KNOW THOSE NIPPLES…IT’S KEVIN GORDON! And what do you know…I WON THE COMPETITION. Aaaaaah lolol. I was alone at home on my lappie and when Mat tweeted at us to let us know I was the winner, I seriously laughed out loud and clapped like an idiot. I am such a loser.

So apparently the poster is on the way to Errol HQ and I could not be happier. Not because we get a signed Titans poster, but because my intense perviness has finally paid off.

PS- Seriously how ripped is K.Flash? Thrusssst.

PPS – Never fear kittens, the Errol Awards ARE on for 2009…just a bit delayed. We have new categories and everything. Coming soon!

Do you know what makes a girl hideously depressed? Being a Roosters fan in 2009.

Do you know what brings a girl back from the brink of suicide? That’s right, kittens: THE DRAGONS. At heart, I will always, always be a Chookies fan. That’s just how I roll, yo. I am loyal for life.

But you know things are bad when the club actually writes to you to apologise for the drunkenness and scandals. I opened the mail and it was all Oh Hay Sassy, Soz for being drunks! Also for the number 2 incident and the drink driving and whatnot. You understand, right? Did we mention we do good things in the community?

I mean, I appreciate it, but dammmmn that was bleak to read. Also, usually I’m the one doing the apologising for inappropriate behaviour, so it was kinda unnerving on multiple levels.

And amongst the shit going down right now at my club – and yes, in this case, literally shit – it’s nice to have some happytimes. I totally have a soft spot for the Dragons. I’m not even kidding that on the weekend I got back from Melbourne and stood at Sydney Airport baggage carousel three for about thirty minutes watching the Drags play the Sea Eagles. My lil suitcase went past deadset four times before I twigged.

How can you resist St. George? They are hands down the happiest team in the league.

… oh, shucks.

IT’S TRUE. And who sums em up better than Flossy Nightingale?

Who’s a good boy then?

Yes you are the best boy.

You heard it here first, kids: THE LABRADOR OF LEAGUE.

And if that wasn’t enough, the boys are blessed with the awesome that is Wendell Sailor. I wanna say if he retires next year I’ll be devastated and unable to live without the sight of him steamrolling over smaller men to smash in tries in the right-hand corner … but it’s totally a lie. As long as his head is somewhere on Channel 9, I’m cool with it.

You know he’ll sneak into the producer’s box and just replay montages he made himself of ‘DELL’S GREATEST MOMENTS’ set to Mr. Wendell, Beat It or Earth Wind & Fire’s greatest hits (depending on his mood). I bet they’re all interspersed with star-wipe graphics too. I like to think Dell is quite nifty on the PC video-editing.

Pic. Mark Evans

Apparently he didn’t want to let the crowd down after his moonwalking efforts, so this week he upped his game and posed with the Dragon mascot while Tiny Dancer Jamie Soward snapped his picture on a footy camera. Oh, those two. I especially enjoy that they now have secret handshakes like kids in the playground.

I’m only sooky that my stand-in joy got ruined by allegations that Tiny Dancer bit Matt Ballin in a tackle. And using all my lawerly university training I’m gonna stand up right now and say, if he did, do you blame him? Have you SEEN Matt Ballin? I defy any man or woman to look me in the face and tell me they could resist going the nibble on Bal’s arm if it got thrust in your face. Could you? Really?

NOT GUILTY. I REST MY CASE.

Apparently I’m not the only one who has a special fondness for the Dragons. Even though we are bandits for our footy, we have a lot of gorgeous friends who, well …they don’t give a shit. Instead, when they realise footy season starts in March, they ask things like ‘am I gonna lose you for the next 26 weekends?’ (The answer is yes).

But sometimes we manage to win them over the dark side. And one of our friends has officially drunk the footy kool-aid. She watched the Dragons one night … and bitch is hooked. Her fave player? One Matt ‘Hot Bitch’ Cooper. The other night she actually smsed me to tell me she thinks he is ‘GLORIOUS’.

What can I say? She’s a perceptive lady. A perceptive lady … who doesn’t even like men. Hot Bitch has officially reached the point where he has both heterosexual men and homosexual women questioning their sexual orientation. Shit is RIDICULOUS.

(Not literally shit this time. Just in case you were wondering.)

Caps thanks to the fierce Cronkster. THANKS DARLIN!

So as y’all know, June is dedicated to Women in League. Why? Because ladies who love league are awesome. It’s a universal truth.

So to raise money for breast cancer, my beloved Dragons didn’t stop with the wearing of the Pink V. Oh no. My babies went ahead and….wait for it…decorated bras. Yes, my boys are not just awesome footy players, they are now also lingerie designers. So multiskilled!

It’s like when I participated in my highschool’s production of Into The Woods as a dancer, costume designer and manufacturer (fairy wings were my speciality) AND a gun makeup artist. Do you know how hard it is to create convincing wolf makeup on a public school budget?  We were straight up deprived. I also had to share a dressing room with the male leads because and I quote ‘the dancers won’t mind getting changed in front of boys’. OH OKAY THEN.

Errr anyway. Let’s take a look at some of my boys’ booby creations shall we?

Unsuprisingly, Darius Boyd has gone the red tassels in the nipple area. I don’t know why I find his choice is so predictable, I just do. I can actually imagine him whacking on the bra, swirling the tassels around and giggling like an idiot. All while ‘Cherry Pie’ by Warrant plays in the background. Yep.

Justin Poore, a tassel lover? Now this IS a suprise. He seems so….chaste. And you think you know someone!

Dell’s is so disco! Hardly a shock considering his pre-game dance warm up. Did you all see it last week? One word – AMAZING. You just know he is listening to ‘Earth, Wind and Fire’. Sing it with me kids! Bad-de-ya…say you do remember, bad-de-ya…dancing in September.

[Kiki and I disagree on this if you're wondering. My guess is he was rocking out to Kool and the Gang. Get yo back up off the wall! - S]

I’m not quite sure why Jeremy Smith and Luke Priddis were forced to do this activity as a pair. Either way, that bra is outright hideous. Where is the design vision in this, hmmm? You would think with not one but TWO brains they could come up with something a bit less visually offensive than that. This is some broke-ass stripper from Kalgoorlie shit right there.

HAHA Hornbag! Oh my. Why is he so cute? And why did they give him such a tiny bra? Are they insinuating if he was a lady he would be flat chested? I love the dainty way he’s holding it, like it’s a historical artefact and he doesn’t want to cause it any harm with the acidity of his skin.

ps – Hot damn, that’s alot of red fluff. It looks like Elmo road kill.

MATT PRIOR WHY YOU SO MAD? Did Dell steal the last of the sequins or something? Or are you shitty you got a giant nanna bra? I enjoy the placement of the roses in the shape of crucifixes. Fabric flowers for Jesus! This photo is amazing x 1000 and I am going to print it out and put on the ‘Wall of Lolz’ in our offices.

AWWWWW BRETTY! Why you so cute baby? Squeeee! Look how proud he looks. Like a cat that just dropped a headless bird at your feet. It has feathers and everything! New from Bonds – The Dead Bird Bra, by Brett Morris.

Aaaah Beau Scott and his ruffles. Look at the work that’s gone into that bra! It’s so…neat. I bet Beau was the star of his Year 8 Home Economics class. Who woulda thought that such an aggressive player would be so particular when it comes to craft?

Hot Bitch are they … are they butterflies in the shape of V’s? REALLY? Lolz 4evaaaaa. Who know Coops had such delicate sensibilities. The thought of that sex machine of a man hunched over a bra gluing on fabric butterflies with a hot glue gun is literally the funniest thing in the entire world.

Now, I have made fun, because well … this is Errol. But I am so so proud of my club for doing something so adorable and altruistic.

The bras are being auctioned off and all the proceeds go to Joanne McKay Breast Cancer Foundation. The foundation was set up in memory of the late Joanne McKay, wife of ex Dragons legend, Brad, who sadly lost her battle with cancer in 2002. Go and check out the auction.

OH HAAAAAY!

Miss me? Thought youse did! God knows I haven’t blogged in awhile. To be honest, I’ve had an existential crisis of sorts. Okay ‘existential crisis’ makes it sound all intellectual and life changing. Basically I’ve been wearing my velour dressing gown more than usual and shuffling around the house thinking SHIT SHIT SHIT I CAN’T WRITE ANYMORE.

Anyway, what better week to make my return than the deliciously pink Women in League Round? YAY! I suprisingly enough, love love love pink! As has been well established on Errol, I am not all that girlie. In fact the other day my hair dresser described me as a ’sporty tomboy’. Which is completely lolz because the last time I did something even remotely sporty was get hit in the head with a footy in Year 9. Fuck me sideways ,that HURT. To this day whenever I’m at a game and someone kicks for touch I dive for cover under Sassy’s fro. Fro of steel!

Anyway, I can’t walk in heels, I sit with my legs open like a dude and I reguarly find unintentional dreadlocks in my hair but godamn I love the colour pink. In fact I’m writing this blog from my delightfully pink laptop right now. So needless to say I am all over the idea of a whole WEEK of pink! Especially when it benefits breast cancer research. Some heinous cynics have dismissed it as a ‘marketing exercise’. Well to put it as eloquently as I can…STUFF THEM.

How can anyone hate on this? I mean really. It’s giant boofy football players with PINK FACIAL HAIR. This shit is amazing. We can’t decide which one is our fave! Love Hall for his finite work on the goatee, Stewart for the fact he came up with the idea and Robbo because it’s just so damn ironic. Robbo is the sad clown of the NRL (have you noticed how completely maudlin he looks on the field this year?) and seeing him sporting something so ridiculous has made our year.

And of course, rugby league’s most famous beard had to get involved.

In fact there’s not much ‘The Wolfman’ ISN’T involved in at the moment. Bitch is everywhere. We are considering requesting some sort of finders fee from his manager, for realz. We discovered his awesome in 08 literally months before the mainstream media. Godamnit, it’s rough being ahead of the curve.

As you can see, in his quest to become the cheesiest player in the NRL, he not only pinked up his beard also inexplicably dyed his moustache jet black. WHY DAVID, WHHYYYY?? The bright pink beard wasn’t crazy enough for you? Oh, honey….no. Lucky we love you.

All that aside, huge Errol props the Manly boys for sacrificing vanity for a good cause.

Now onto the Panthers. I knew they were going to wear pink uniforms this week but godammmmmn they were PINK. Jerseys, shorts, socks, shoes…even headgear.Everything was pink. It was a team of straight up MUSK STICKS.

Matt Muskington sucessfully makes his debut for the Penrith Panthers

Not only did the Panties rock out in glaring pink, they also grew beards to raise awareness for breast cancer research. Whoever came up with this idea – you are Awesome. And yes it deserves capitalisation. Because if there’s anything we love more than a footy player with a beard, it’s a footy player with an altruistic beard.

Without such charitable exercises how would we know that youngins like Wade Graham can suprisingly cultivate such luxurious beards? And how would we know who Shane Elford was? Never noticed him when he was clean shaven, but as soon as his beard started to come through HELLLOOOO LOVER.

(Yes I could have picked a photo of WG with his tongue actually in his mouth….. but it’s funnier this way. Sorry, Wade.)

Sadly for my tips, the Panthers lost. But it did mean I got to giggle at Daniel Mifsud’s cheap jokes about the ‘pink panties going down’. Hehe…panties. (yes THAT Mifsud)

Now, onto the Most Lovably Awesome Team In The Universe, the mighty mighty Dragons! WHEEEEE! My babies busted out the Pink V once again to honour both women in league, and the Joanne McKay Foundation. Last time they wore the pink I made some predictably distasteful jokes about lady vees. This year I have decided to class it up a bit. Okay, that’s a lie….I just don’t like to recycle jokes. UNLIKE YOU WIL ANDERSON.

Sometimes I think the Dragons sit around and think up ways to make me love them even MORE. Shit is getting ridiculous. As if my boys playng brilliantly in baby pink wasn’t enough, the adorable bitches decided to kick it up a notch with a giant on field love in. Look at that photo! It’s like pure distilled joy! HOT BITCH COOPER IS SMILING. He never smiles! (Notice the ass grab on B.Moz. Respect Coops, respeecccct.)

In fact, my teams display of public affection has inspired me. I am going to launch a range of romantic greeting cards with their images on the front. Oh Kiki, you’re crazy you say? Oh no….no I ain’t. Check this shit out.

Oh yeh, I am gonna be so rich.

Massive love to the NRL, One Community and everyone involved in the Women in League initative. It actually lasts until the end of June, and we have been invited as guests of the CRL to a dinner on Wednesday night to further celebrate the contribution of women to the game.

We have it on good authority that the NSW Blues may be there. I can’t promise I won’t get drunk, latch onto Justin Poore’s ankle and scream PLS DON’T LEAVE THE DRAAGGGOOOONS. Personally, I think dragging me along behind him as he tries to escape would make for excellent strength training. Yep.

(Pics from Getty Images, League HQ and the wonderful BS)

WELL

I’M SICK AGAIN

Well I was sick. Last week. BIG TIMES. Something weird is going on. Either Greg Inglis is still working that Kiki voodoo doll or I seriously fucked someone over in a previous life. I’m gonna blame GI. Why? Because I can.

(Yes … that is me in a Dragons sleeping bag photoshopped into a hospital bed, well spotted readers.Well spotted.)

So last Tuesday night I felt a bit icky but powered on with Important Errol Business. Then I started vomming and didn’t stop for 7 hours. I ended up being rushed to the Emergency Room so I didn’t like, die from dehydration, or whatever it is that happens when you vom for 7 hours straight. I had an IV and about 25.7 litres of fluids and lots of drugs I can’t pronounce.

It was very Hollywood dramz. I was tres shitty I forgot to take my phone so I could be all Solange Knowles and update Twitter on my sicky adventures. Needless to say it was scary and upsetting and really gross. The most horrific thing about the whole experience was when the nurse WEIGHED ME. As if I wasn’t traumatised enough now I have climb on the bloody scales. Bastards.

I left with a truly disgusting bruise on my hand from the IV needle thingy and that’s it. They didn’t even hook me up with some sweet painkillers. I swear, what is the point of private health care if I don’t get mind altering drugs? Outrage! Joke! FARCE!

ANYWAY I struggled through the rest of the week (thank god I work from home in my PJ’s, oh the life of a professional blogger) hoping to get better for the Most Important Day of the Year aka ANZAC Day. In all seriousness, I hold ANZAC Day really close to my heart. It’s one of the only things I take seriously. It is a beautiful beautiful day and it makes me so incredibly proud to be Australian.

I love the solemn reflective mornings and the raucous two-up fuelled afternoons. As if that wasn’t brilliant enough, my beloved Dragons play the Chookies. I had an awesome day lined up. But my body said NO WAY KIKIPANTS. So I spent the day at home instead. BOOOOO. Thankfully Sassy came to visit me. I even put on actual pants for her. Okay, thats a lie. But I did put on a bra. Damnit….that’s a lie too.

Soooooo … THE DRAGONS WON! HOORAY! Obviously they heard I was rather poorly and decided to put on a winning performance for me. Right? Do it for the little girl in hospital, boys! Well at least Tiny Dancer Soward did, and thank god for that because that teeny package of awesome won us the game. Really, he did. 21 points all by himselfs! SOWIE KAPOWIE!

As the above picture clearly portrays, the Dragons were scarily awesome, Benny was at the helm creating fire with his bare hands and I was happy happy happy. I considered not labelling the pathetic corpsey bones as the Roosters to spare Sassy’s feelings … for about 2 seconds. HAH!

The game started off in the best way possible. One minute in and our beloved B.Moz pumps those impossibly long legs and goes over for a try! I leapt from the lounge and found myself upright for the first time all week. B.Moz cured me! He should start blessing water and shit. Get on that champ.

I deeply enjoy starting the game with a nice lil try. You know, despite what you read in Cosmo, sometimes a girl likes a bit of satisfication within the one minute mark. Just sayin.

Meanwhile I look over and Sassy was hiding under my dogs blanket. She knew it was gonna be a looooong afternoon. I kept reminding her although they may suck, at least her boys looked resplendent in their special ANZAC edition baby blue jerseys. Really, they look so pretty!

I could detail all the awes things the Dragons did (although there was still a few silly mistakes I’m not happy with, I’m sure Wayne is on that though) but let’s cut to the chase. The best thing about this game by far was the fully fledged return of Flossy Nightingale.YAAAAAY! Not only did he score a try, the adorable bitch busted out his best puppy dog cuteness on a scale not seen since 2008.

We here at Errol call him ‘the labrador of rugby league’. He just REALLY.LOVES.PLAYING.FOOTY. Obviously alot of players emote when they score tries, but what other player smiles whilst just … on the field? When Tiny Dancer busted through the line and scored that sweet sweet try Flossy just ran alongside him. Smiling, cheering and being a lovable little cheerleader. He just loves life. Life and footy and fun times! And we reckon he’s thought about licking people’s faces more than once. For the record Floss-Floss, you can lick my face anytime. WHO’S A GOOD BOYYYY?

Sup? Nothin…just warmin up my tongue.

Another highlight of the game was the way Sowie Kapowie popped over that cheeky field goal just before half time. No particular reason, just because he could. You know, the way I technically don’t have to write blogs for Errol but I do. Me and Tiny Dancer showin off our mad skillz just coz we caaaaan. WHAT WHAAAAT.

I kept waiting for the Chookies to score a try. Obviously I didn’t want them to win, but I wanted to see some semblance of a smile from Sassy. Truth be told she is kind of completely terrifying when the Roosters suck, I still haven’t recovered from the way she let loose after the Tigers game a few weeks back. We both looked expectantly at the TV … surely they must? Soon … it’s coming … almost … nope. Oh dears.

They finished the game at zip. Zero, nada, nothin … donut.

Mmmm….donut. If only the Chookies were covered in pink icing and sprinkles, I might like them a bit more. Just a suggestion.

pic – Anthony Johnson, LeagueHQ