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WE’RE BAAAAAACK! and we still hate Queensland

June 25th, 2013

 

SUP BITCHES! You’ve all been begging and begging and begggggging for us to make a return to blogging and we couldn’t ignore you for any longer. Nothing makes our footy loving hearts beat any faster than State of Origin, so we’re making our come back in time for Game 2.

After Game 1, we were so pumped we thought we were gonna explode. Could this finally be it? Could the abject horror of the last 7 years be coming to a close ? Perhaps the disgustingly evil force that is Queensland be faltering? Needless to say we were counting down the days to Game 2, confident we finally had the team that could do the job and crush Maroon hearts the way they deserve to be crushed.

Then bit by bit, that dream crumbled. First James Tamou forgot that taxis exist and decided to drive a car drunker than us at the Judgy at 5am. YOU IDIOT. Then Jarryd Hayne busted his leg. DAMNIT. Then, in the biggest dick move in the history of the world, Josh Dugan and Blake Ferguson decided to put themselves ahead of an entire state of people and get drunk and land their asses in trouble. WE WILL KILL YOU. YOU DEREKS.

 

Sure Duges escaped the incident with his career in tact, but only just. We are the first people to stand up for footy players and believe they should be able to have a normal life, some beers and and good night out. But when you’re Josh Dugan and Blake Ferugson and you’ve been in career endangering trouble over and over again, you do not celebrate your redemption by going out and getting on the piss while in camp. NO. JUST NO.

We’re ropable. Deadset ropable. It’s screwed up on two levels. Firstly, it’s a fucking honour to play for NSW. It’s not a right, it’s a privelige. To pull on that sky blue jersey, to run into battle to fight next to your brothers, to honour those Blues that have come before you, to represent 7 million New South Welshpeople who’ve put their faith in you….that MEANS something.

Secondly, there’s hundreds of players that would literally kill to play for their state. To represent us with honour and pride and commitment. Maybe not literally hundreds, but we’re pretty sure Nathan Peats would actually choke a bitch to play for NSW. And that’s why we love him.

 

Fergo and Duges fuckery is an insult to those hopefuls, it’s an insult to Laurie Daley and those who trusted them, it’s an insult to the players of the past and most importantly an insult to every NSW fan that continues to blindly believe in the Blues despite the 7 years of pure torture. So yeah, we are MAD.

But now it’s time to refocus. The time has come to concentrate on what Origin is all about : ferociously hating Queensland.

Because we’re idiots, we like lists. So here we go : REASONS TO HATE QUEENSLAND PART 1 (there’s so many we can’t fit them into one post)

1) Pauline Hanson - only in Queensland would this thin lipped racist ranga be able to emerge and be elected. Nothing is more Queensland than being a raging xenophobe but now even knowing what the word means. She also went to jail for electoral fraud. So not only is she a moronic racist, she’s also a criminal. One of ya best Queensland!

2) Bundaberg Rum - what the hell guys? We respect your right to have a state drink, but for the love of all that is good and holy, why can’t you pick one that tastes less like sugary vomit? Gross.

3) The colour maroon – we’ve said it before, but maroon is just red that got some shit in it. Of all the colours in the spectrum, those idiots north of the border CHOSE MAROON. That’s all we need to know about them.

4) Joh Bjelke Peterson – some of you may be too young to remember, but Joh was was the Premier of the great northern wasteland for 20 years from the 60s to the 80s. Much like Ben Teo, he was born in New Zealand.Perhaps this is where their bullshit selection policies began?

During that time, Joh enjoyed crushing Indigenous land rights, running an institutionally corrupt government and helping to bring down the greatest thing that’s ever happened to this country : Gough Whitlam. His holiness Gough is a beacon of liberalism, fairness and equal rights and Joh actively tried to crush him. OF COURSE HE DID. BLOODY QUEENSLAND.

In a decidedly Queensland twist, his wife Flo founded the Flo Bjelke Peterson School of Physical Culture. For those that are unfamilar with physie, it’s an unholy union of gymnastics and dancing. That is, it contains no actual gymnastics or dancing. It’s basically girls in leotards walking in a square. To be frank : it’s dancing for uncos.

Kiki was shoved in dance class from the age of 3 and remembers actively making fun of the physie kids that inexplicably managed to rent a room in her dance school. Point and laugh everyone, physie IS Queensland.

5) Mal Meninga’s conspiracy theories - Because they really are getting out of control.

 

THERE. Now we’ve got that out of our system. We hate that our blind hatred for Queensland has made us rant at our own sky blue players.

The truth is that Josh Dugan hasn’t done anything even remotely criminal on his night out in the Shire last week (that we know of) and as soon as he runs out at Suncorp we will be 100% TEAM DUGAN DON’T YOU TOUCH HIM SAM THAIDAY HE’S OURS YOU MONSTER.

Also, if we’re being truthful, sitting in a dinghy, on land, by the side of the road with your mate with some drinks and a fishing rod while pretending to fish sounds totally fun. Can we come next time Duges?

MEET YA THERE BRO.

 

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Queensland: 6 in a row, to match their toes

July 7th, 2011

Congratulations Queensland! You have 6 Origin victories in a row, all neatly lined up to match your 6 toes. And we don’t want to be sore losers, so we’ve graced Errol with the new Queensland state flag (see above). See! We are totally down with good sportsmanship and giving credit when it’s due.

As for the game, well … it happened. And the world is still turning. Not gonna lie though, that shit hurt. This arvo a bloke came into Kiki’s workplace brazenly wearing a maroon scarf. After she launched a tirade of abuse at him he very nervously squeaked ‘sorry bro, I’m from New Zealand … I didn’t even think! It’s just cold today hey….’

Sorry mate. Speaking of New Zealanders in maroon scarves, what in the hell was Sonny Bill Feelings doing on the sidelines giving his expert commentary? WHY? Why do Channel 9 constantly give air time to other sports during rugby league programming? That shit has to end.

More importantly, why was SBW wearing a maroon scarf? Oh that’s right, coz he’s a hateful turncoat with no soul who sneaks away in the middle of the night because he doesn’t want tell his team mates he’s leaving. YEH WE HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN THAT SONNY BILL. Remember when you played for NSW Schoolboys SBW?


Just imagine us doing this while we type. It is 65% accurate.

And we need to talk about that Darren Lockyer ‘tribute’. It’s taken us almost a whole day to digest that. That was by far the most upsetting thing we’ve ever seen. And we used to be regulars at a certain 24-hour establishment in Taylor Square that shall remain nameless so we have seen THINGS. Trust this.

We would find the video on You Tube and dissect it piece by piece but our constitutions are too delicate to be put through that. We love you guys and all, but not that much.

The bottom line is we love a montage. Absolute BANDITS for one. The music, the slow-mo, the hazy after-effects. Aaaah, bliss! But watching close-ups of Darren Lockyer’s black eye and the town of Roma set to a tinkly piano tune stolen from a serial killer re-enactment on the Crime Investigation channel is not enjoyable.

In other circumstances, we would probably just hate Lockyer like we hate all Queenslanders: when they wear maroon / when they get Queensland tattoos / for three nights a year.

But every time people from North of the Tweed tell us Darren Lockyer is a legend, a Prince, or a hero, it annoys the hell out of us.

So watching creepy video packages about Darren Lockyer’s home town is WORSE THAN THE WORST.  How dare you try and make us Feel Feelings about a man with five Origin series wins in a row!

Yesterday Kiki accidentally saw photos on the interwebz of a smashed up dead body after a car accident. There was visible brain matter. That was less upsetting than the Lockyer tribute.

Remember when Mufasa gets trampled alive after saving Simba in the Lion King? That is less upsetting than the Lockyer tribute.

One time we watched a documentary on Foxtel about people who fall in love with, and have sex with, inaminate objects. One particularly memorable scene shows a lady making out with a rollercoaster.

That is less upsetting than the Lockyer tribute.

See where we’re going with this? Darren Lockyer may be a ‘legend’, and he’s had a fantastic career, but he is not OUR legend. Just like how John Howard was never our Prime Minister. Doesn’t matter how many montages we’re forced to watch, or live crosses to his brain (seriously …) or tweets of OMGZ U GUYZ HOW CAN U NOT RESPECT LOCKYER!!111!…..we just don’t get it. And we will never will.

More importantly, Queensland, you may have Lockyer but you will never be this adorable. Hah!

Mainly this is because, for every Queenslander who is normal and functional, there is a Queenslander – a FEMALE Queenslander – who pees on their seat. At Suncorp Stadium. While Lockyer is giving his speech. And y’all wonder why we make fun of you … seriously.

(DISCLAIMER: WE DON’T WANT TO LINK IT THIS CAUSE IT’S TOO GROSS. YOU’LL HAVE TO GOOGLE.)

We know that last night’s game wasn’t NSW’s finest moment. As in … we know our boys can do better than this. They HAVE done better than this. Like Parramatta smashing the Bulldogs in the 2009 finals series, we peaked a game too early.

But if the Blues played 95% in game two, we’d call this 80. Don’t ya think? Eighty percent execution, maybe due to nerves. There were still some barnstorming Aku Uate runs, some delightful footwork from Jamie Soward when he carried instead of kicked, and incredible defence. But there were also a lot of kicks straight into Maroons players arms, kicks to places kicks should not go, a few dumb penalties, and that time Minichiello tripped over.

We know Birdy … we feel the same.

It’s possible that Ronnie Palmer also accidentally set the Gallen-bot to just ‘main’ instead of ‘DECIMATE’ which is what he did in game two.


Just because he’s a machine doesn’t mean he can’t feel.

But in the next column over, we give the Blues 100% for heart. Mick Ennis showed so much heart that he broke his sternum.

At times they were majestic to watch. Like when Luke Lewis wove his bogan mojo and the Blues charged through a mess of sprawling Maroons to score our first try.

What can we say except … footyboner.

We is PROUD.

And to prove that we do have hearts, we’ll admit that Sassy was legitimately distressed when Johnathon Thurston was injured. (Kiki had no opinion because she had been banished to her room)

We love watching him laugh his dopey laugh, even when it’s because he’s come back on field in a wheelchair and is completely off his face from the pain medication he’s sucking down on.


Pssst, pass the green whistle, would ya, JT? NSW NEEDS IT TOOOOO.

The bottom line though, is this. We aren’t broken yet. You won’t catch us telling anyone Origin is dead.

Queensland, you’ve won 6 in a row. You may win 7 or even 10 in a row. But know this: it will never be easy. We will fight you for every metre. You will have to earn every inch, every blade of grass.

You will bleed. We will hit you … hard. Bones will break and muscles will tear and we will be there every single year to hurt you again and again and again. No victory will be effortless.

Know this too: we hate you. We hate your maroon jerseys, your smugness and your blatant player stealing. We hate your cheap shots, the bizarre Lockyer worship and your complete lack of irony.

You may dominate on the scoreboard but despite your self mythologizing fantasies, you will never dominate in heart. Don’t you ever get comfortable, because we will never submit.

UP THE BLUES!

Game pics. Getty Images

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origin II: rise of the machine … and the #boganboner

June 16th, 2011

Er, well, this is a little awkward. Want to know who won our Cattledog Minutes comp for State of Origin II? Um … no one. The biff was absent. The closest we got to a melee was Michael Ennis opening his mouth and screaming YEAAAAAH like a deranged Eddie Munster into Sam Thaiday’s face. And did we enjoy it? Fuck yes!

We loved it almost as much as this moment:

When Nathan Hindmarsh accidentally walked through shot while Jebediah put on the pre-game entertainment. Oh Hindy, we love you more than life. Especially for tweeting the evidence, because Kiki missed it during the game. There are many things that Would Only Happen In Rugby League. The swine flu outbreak of 2009, brawls in a charity match to raise money for flood victims, heads being stapled up on the sideline…and of course, the moment above. LOVE YA RUGBY LEAGUE!

But back to Ennis: does it count as Cattledog? Sadly, no.

So instead, we’re saving this game’s prize, and next game there will be TWO prizes. One for the closest Queenslander and one for the closest Blue. We are all about fairness.

Luckily, in place of a a biff, we had 80 full minutes of New South Wales glory. Let’s break it down, shall we?

SOMETHING OLD

Oh, Anthony Minichiello, how we missed you! No one teaches children how to count like you do. If we ever needed proof that old men still got it, Mini brought it. Under the high ball? Safe as houses! He probably has many of them, too, as investment properties, because he’s old. Seriously, he’s in his thirties. That’s like being 80 in regular person years, and we all know old people love real estate. Plus he had to do something with all that spare time while he recuperated from injury.

Mini’s catch of the high ball in-goal was a thing of beauty, and seeing him sail over for a try brought a tear to Sassy’s eye. He’s a recycled fullback but he’s as good as new. Plus, he matches beautifully with our recycled coach, Ricky Stuart, recycled centre, Mark Gasnier, and shiny recycled utility book-ends Kurt Gidley and Luke Lewis.

One of our favourite hobbies is saying Kurt Gidley ruins things. Because, well, he often does. Not necessarily through incompetence or malice, but usually, just by being where he’s asked to be.

Gidley can ruin an Origin game out on the field the same way a whale ruins a picnic table … just by being on it.

Gidley ruins Origin the way a fly ruins a bowl of soup. Or a bird poo ruins a perfectly clean car. It’s all about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. And by wrong place, we mean ‘captaining from the bench’, or ‘NSW fullback’. Sure it’s not his fault, but when the bird’s not around, you get angry at the poo. You know?

Know where he doesn’t ruin things? PLAYING INTERCHANGE DUMMY HALF.

Seeing Gidley come off the bench last night was like seeing a whale leap back into the ocean.

FREE GIDLEY! SWIM FREE OUR PROUD BALINE FRIEND!

He was quick with the ball from the ruck, his off-loads were sneaky and plentiful. It’s not a coincidence that when he came on the NSW attack lifted in intensity. We were approx. 62% more dangerous. It’s just science.


What can a girl say except #BOGANBONER?

And if Free Gidley was responsible for 18% of that made up statistic, our man Luke Lewis was the rest. What a spectacular human. When Josh ‘Hot Bogan’ Dugan was felled by injury we were worried our bogan quota would go unfilled but thankfully for NSW, Luke Lewis came roaring into the side. AND HOW! In years to come, aliens will try and figure out our culture by watching video of him looming from the right of frame, powering like a cannon ball to slam into Cooper Cronk (lucky for Fierce Bitch Cooper he is partly adamantium and therefore uncrushable) and save a Maroons try.

Sassy told Twitter last night that she was starting to have the kind of thoughts about Luke Lewis  that lead to dreams of getting married in Penrith and serving home brew at the reception, and after a night to think about it Kiki’s totally on board too. How can we resist that frosty-haired spunk? LUKE. CALL US YOU HOT ANGRY BOGAN.

Whats that? How can you guys have a crush on a man who proudly sports blonde foils in the year 2011? Pleaaaaase. Everyone knows Australian sporting power prowess has a direct connection to hair bleach and streaking caps. See below.

Now all of you kneel and pay homage to the lord of the #boganboner. Thanks.

SOMETHING NEW

Oh good lord, Will Hopoate. What are you doing to us, boy? Playing with so much confidence, scoring a try in the corner like a less-Maroon and less-hateful Justin Hodges, deciding to leave us for two years, LOOKING LIKE THAT. If having dirty thoughts about a 19 year old Mormon is wrong, we don’t wanna be right. Don’t lie, you all did too. Even the straight men.

As much as we respect his choice to go on his mission and spend two years testing young ladies’ ability to concentrate on things other than staring at Hoppa, we can’t wait for him to come back into the loving arms of NSW. Ho.Ju you are a revelation, to the fans AND to newspaper sub-editors who get to make up witty ‘mission’ headlines about you. Also, we hope you enjoyed the slightly smuttier ‘missonary’ jokes we made on Twitter during the game.

At first we were mourning the loss of such a beautiful caramel man to religion, then Errol bestie and generally awesome human, Bec, suggested that we should take advantage of his Mormonism and…wait for it….MARRY HIM! This is the best idea we’ve ever heard and have so far recruited Errol friendz Kaz and Anna to be our sister wives. We love big hair and pastel colours and communal kitchens. This can’t go wrong!


The Hopoate sister wives agree, their husband’s eyelashes really are spectacular.

And come on down, NSW’s new starting five-eighth!

Jamie Soward has long been an Errol fave. We didn’t come late to the party. We are always ahead of the pack, some may call us innovators, cultural zeitgeists and visionaries…. and we have to agree. Much like Uncle Wayne, we’ve always believed in Sowie’s ability. Unlike Uncle Wayne, we say things like ‘fuck all y’all haterz’ when he plays his heart out and proves bitches everywhere wrong.

We honestly don’t understand the Sowie hate. He is adorable. A bossy little bitch who kicks like an angel and yells at us for running in a water park (long story). The biggest criticism he cops is that he doesn’t run at the line enough. Or that when the game is on the line he doesn’t make the big plays. Well now…take one look at that try he set up for Mini and you tell us….IS THAT A LINE RUN OR WHAT? HUH? BIG PLAY YES? Yeh, thought so. Now all of you eat your words while we watch and clap with delight, confirming once again : we are always right.

 

SOMETHING BORROWED

Usually, this section would be about Greg Inglis.

GET IT? CAUSE HE’S BORROWED FROM NEW SOUTH WALES?

But GI was surprisingly quiet last night. Quiet, and fumbly. Is he okay? (Serious question … is he?)


Machines don’t smile.

So instead, we’re gonna borrow a nickname from our idols Roy and HG, and give it to the the mighty Blues captain … O Gallen, our Captain!

We crown him the new Brick with Eyes. He’s completely rectangular and he can play Origin like a demon for a full 80 minutes. He is a straight up FREAK.

Last year (or maybe the year before, we’re bloggers not historians people!) in an argument about Toyota Park and the Sharks in general (you know we love hating them) we said the road to redemption for Gallen was to forget about the media and just focus on cleaning up his game on the field. He has. And he’s better, no? You don’t need to fuck around when you can play like that.

Luke Lewis agrees.

SOMETHING BLUE

Or, 17 something blues. Plus Tommy Learoyd-Lahrs. And Ronnie Palmer. And Jim Dym .. LOOK WE’RE JUST REALLY PROUD. OF ALL OF YOU.

To paraphrase Mitchell Pearce, it was the one of the Best Origins EVER. Greg Bird was so happy! Anthony Watmough actually broke up a fight instead of starting one! Aku Uate ran the ball as hard as Paul Gallen! Trent Merrin existed and/or was adorable:


(that one’s from Gregg Porteous)

Next step: to win the series-slash-ruin Darren Lockyer’s farewell. Like that time we stopped Queensland getting a tropical holiday. Oh man that was sweet.

Here’s to New South Wales, bogans, pettiness and victory!

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origin II … it’s time

June 14th, 2011

Only one sleep till Origin II, babies! And before we all lose our damn minds tomorrow, we need to tell you two important things.

1. Clear your schedules cause we’re gonna be on the wireless on Triple J after 3.30pm on Wednesday, talking all things Origin. Wheee!

2. As the Blues head to victory at ANZ Stadium tomorrow night, we will be playing the second round of the legendary* Cattledog Minutes.

So what’s the deal? It’s easy. You guess the minute of the game when a Blues player first throws a punch or generally creates some argy-bargy. The way we decide whether Cattledog occurs is that the argy-bargy has to be argy and/or bargy enough to attract the referee’s attention. Too easy!

The prize for the person who gets closest is some seriously chocolatey M&M goodness in the team colour of their choice. To enter, you just have to comment here, or tell us your guess on our Facebook page or Twitter. Mmmmmmmm tastes like winning.

Thank you AGAIN to the dudes over at M&Ms for sending through some tasty Origin M&Ms for the winner. They get to pick whether they would prefer to eat their team or the opposition and we’ll post them out. Although, if you guys want some of your own and can’t mange to wait a whole day, you can get ‘em at Coles for $12.50.

The best thing about doing that is that then you can throw them at the screen and scream cattledog. Good luck!

 

* may not actually be legendary.

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a state of origin with no beer

May 27th, 2011

It is a truth universally acknowledged that some things should never be done sober. Like wedding toasts, or watching the Royal Wedding, or ten-pin bowling.

Add Origin to that list. It’s a game that’s a delightful, brain-buzzing, gut-trembling riot of footy and yelling and aggression and tries when you’ve had a beer or two, and it’s over before you can say “Darren Lockyer looks like the Master from Buffy”.

When you’re stone cold sober in your place of work, like your fearless correspondent Sassy was, Origin goes for an E-T-E-R-N-I-T-Y. Every Queensland set happens in horrifying movie-style slow-motion. It was AWFUL. No one should be forced to go through that. And the papers thought Willie Tonga was courageous? Bitch, please.

It’s actually made me feel some empathy for the Queensland tendency to smash some Red Bull and Stillnox. It’s especially ironic when you’re watching two teams sponsored by VB and XXXX play each other. STOP MOCKING ME WITH YOUR CAPITAL LETTER BEERS, YOU BASTARDS!


What the hell Queensland dude. Just … what the hell.

The only upside is our that a non-cloudy brain means we can bring you some extra accurate rage. Let’s break down game one, shall we?

THE BAD CALLS

Don’t lie, there were a few. For one thing, there’s a been a lot of controversy over our decision to declare that the first “Cattledog” happened after the whistle at approximately the 81st minute of the game (meaning the guess of 72 minutes was closest). Sure, the game was technically finished, but they were still on the field, Thaiday was a-swingin’ around getting fiesty, Greg Bird was trying to lay ‘em on Corey Parker and we were cheering. As far as we’re concerned, it was the very definition of Cattledog.

We would also humbly suggest that James Blunt as pre-game entertainment wasn’t the best call. Man-motional pop doesn’t psyche anyone up to play footy, does it? Next time can’t we just make Phil Gould do his on-field inspirational speech twice instead? It gives us GOOSEBUMPS, no word of a lie. He’s the Robin Williams of the Dead Poets Society that is rugby league. O Captain, my captain!

And that’s before we even get to the forward passes from dummy half and a few dodgy tackles *cough*Willie*cough*.  All things I would gleefully have missed out on noticing had I not been so lucid.

(Not kidding, I miss a lot when I’m at games. Like that time at ANZ Stadium when Kiki and I loudly demanded to know how the hell Danny Nutley was playing State of Origin when he was retired. A nice man in the next row had to explain that it was Ben Cross).


We like to call one elbow ‘herbs’ and the other one ‘spices’.

Clearly, things that I don’t count as bad calls include people going the face massage or the neck-region in a tackle. That’s just the delightful spice on the roast that is a tackle in Origin.

THE JAN BRADY SYNDROME

You know I don’t like saying nice things about Queeslanders, but goddamn Matt Scott got Jan Brady-ed on Wednesday night. Cameron Smith man of the match, really? Who exactly does M.Scott have to French kiss to get some recognition?

That’s not a rhetorical question, by the way. Because I know at least eight young ladies who will gladly volunteer. Apparently they like his burly, Lazarus-esque flava.



Even Vossy looks a little overwhelmed, no? Pic by the amazing Fall of Reach

M.Scott was a rampaging beast in the first half. And that’s not to say the Blues forwards were pushovers … he was just unstoppable. Like two Fui Fui Moi Mois having a wrestling bout inside a Maroons jersey. I would even go so far as to use the word “outstanding”. I will also, later, go so far as to have a 50 minute shower to try and wash off how dirty I feel after saying that.

But apparently Cam “Marcia Brady” Smith is still the star of the show. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

And M.Scott being robbed of his prom queen crown isn’t as bad as the rap some of our baby Blues are getting.

To anyone thinking Mark Gasnier deserves the boot, you’ll have to get past us first. Gaz was a saviour! While our forwards fell down in defence … who was there? Gaz. Damn straight he was. Right next to Aku Uate and his giant ass. Defending like demons, and in between running the ball at the line like they thought they weighed us much as Wendell. Those boys have no fear. And watching Aku charge upfield is almost as glorious as watching him bust moves on the dancefloor.

Beau Scott? Not a chance! Twitter loves calling him on his faults (as if getting your punch on is even a fault, but whatevs) but that boy stood up.


Duges you glorious bogan! You can put a ‘such is life’ decal on our car anytime.

Next you’ll be telling us Josh Dugan was out of position in defence … oh wait, no people did say that. But were they not watching his 25 FLAWLESS takes of the high ball? His threatening drifting runs across the line? His sparkly diamond studs?

Bitches, please. Don’t even try and pull that Jarryd ‘Marcia’ Hayne line on us.

He may be the train, or the plane, or any other mode of communal transportation, but Duges justified his selection every time he grabbed the ball.

THE FOOTYBONERS

Oh, New South Wales. No matter how many series we’ve lost, the Blues never ever stop winning our hearts.

Greg Bird, your aggression is spectacular. Dugan, your sneaky offloads are a delight. Jennings, your try was #footyboner in its purest form.


This picture was saved on my desktop as “husband”.

HANDS UP IF YOU HAVE A FOOTY BONER.

THE FALL-OUT

Much as we love our boys in blue, we have Some Things to Say. Things of the tough-love variety. The backs of the team can go play on the swings, but our forward pack needs to sit down and hear this.

When your backs are running at the line harder than you are … that shit’s not cool.

When you play better at Toyota Stadium than you do in Origin … that shit’s not cool.

When Gasnier’s making try-savers in the middle of the field … that shit’s not cool.

When M.Scott makes more metres than four of you combined … that shit’s not cool.

I say this with love. Angry, scary love, like Gran from Angry Boys. I only say it cause I know you’re better than this ‘n’ shit.

You’re not just called a pack cause you pack into a scrum. You’re a motherfucking wolf pack, boys! You watch each other’s backs. When you’re tackling a man, three of you go in so you can wrap up the ball. Every extra metre a man makes from a shifty Sam Thaiday offload is a knife into our delicate little hearts.

And every time a NSW forward runs with no other forwards anywhere around him, we die a little inside.

Be the pack. Live the pack. Go to Vegas and secretly slip ecstacy into the pack’s drinks. Whatever it takes, right? Good.

Now gimme a hug then go hit the swings with Jennings, we’ll see you next camp.

And if any of the Blues fans out there feel a little … desolate after the loss, chin up kittens. Not only was it a valiant performance, but it brought us this:

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Pics. Getty Images

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cattledog minutes: the winner is ….

May 27th, 2011

IT’S OKAY STOP WORRYING WE’RE ALIVE.

We resisted the temptation to give up on life after another Origin loss, and are back with a mixture of defiance, pride, and maybe a little nausea. It’s possible that two breakfasts were a bad choice. And thanks to the incredible Greg Bird, our Cattledog Minutes comp was a success. Hurrah!

If you hold this photo to your ear, you can hear us yelling “FUCK YEAH BIRDMAN!”
Pic. Getty Images

And no complaints, please. We gave intern John John some striped hotpants and a whistle and let him be the official timer, and he has declared that the first official Cattledog incident happened in the 81st minute.

Which means the winner is our boy Luke Richardson, who tweeted a guess of 72 minutes. Onya Lukey!

To say congratulations, the dudes over at M&Ms gave us some sweet buckets of Origin M&Ms to send you – just email us at errol@oherrol.com and tell us your address and whether you would prefer to eat your own team, or the Maroons.

Also since they’re not promo M&Ms if you guys want some for Origin 2 you can get ‘em at Coles for $12.50 … the only problem is the won’t taste like VICTORY like Luke’s will.

Now get on the email Lukey … we’re waiting for your call! The rest of oyu meet us on Twitter or Facebook on the day of Origin 2 for the next round of cattledog minutes xx

Pic. Getty Images

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the very best of errol: three years of raging origin bias

May 24th, 2011

Sup, newbies! If you haven’t been reading Errol for more than nine months because, you know, you were pregnant/in prison/still learning how to turn on the ‘puter, then you will be shocked to know you’ve missed out on three whole years of State of Origin posts.

Three long, long years of us writing totally biased posts in which we gloat about Queenslanders getting hit in the face and talk about how sad/drunk we had to get after each successive Origin loss.

So to get you kids up to speed, we’ve picked out some of our favourite ever Origin posts, from 2008 through to 2011, including at least one that Kiki had to write with a cast on her right arm because she broke it running across Oxford St to get to a gay club. True story.

THE ONE WHERE SOMEONE PISSES NEXT TO BRETT FINCH

THE ONE WITH THE COCONUT PHONE

THE ONE WHERE WALLACE NEEDS HELP WITH HIS JERSEY

THE ONE WITH DAVE WILLIAMS

THE ONE WITH THE FATWA

THE ONE WITH FREDDY IN A TOWEL

THE ONE WHERE WE FINALLY GOT MAROONWASHED

THE ONE WHERE WE EXPLAIN WHY QUEENSLAND CARES MORE

If you like anything, leave a comment why don’t ya? And if you don’t, please don’t sue us kthanks.

Oh … and one more thing: UP THE BLUES!

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the errol wrap-up: origin prep

May 23rd, 2011

Happy Origin season, Errol-ers! It’s pretty much our favourite time of the year … well, aside from the week when they start releasing naked charity calendars just before Christmas. Is there anything funnier than dudes posing naked while looking serious? No, no there is not. Please see here for proof. And just like we do during Pervy Calendar-mas, this week we will be celebrating hard.

Next to the legalised on field brawls, the best thing about Origin is the fact other NSWelshpeople start sledging Queenslanders as much as we do in our regular lives. Retweeting people burning Queensland and it’s residents never gets old. EVER! It’s eternally awesome like Freddy Fittler’s is-he-drunk-or-what sideline giggles. Also, people create Facebook groups like this:The only good thing to come out of Queensland is a road to NSW

Luckily for us, even though we now have full time jobs in sport (we know, we can’t believe people hired us either) our jobs don’t require us to do any work at Origin. This is mainly because no one wants us too close to the Queensland team in case we kick someone in the shins by “accident”, injure a maroons player and start an inter-state incident. Also, employing lawyers to deal with the restraining orders is more expensive than you’d think.

This also gives us plenty of time during Origin season to drive around with the windows down sledging people in maroon clothing. IF QUEENSLAND’S SO GOOD WHAT ARE YA DOING DOWN HERE?

But let’s talk Origin prep.

For one thing, we have not one, but two, sky blue nailpolishes to choose from on Wednesday. At the moment, we’re thinking we’ll put the decision off until Wednesday morning to make sure we pick the one that matches our outfit best.

And up in Queensland, the enemy have been preparing for the big match at Lang Park (Suncorp, WHATEVER. It’ll always be Lang Park to us) by … grapevining?

It’s not just us, that is a grapevine, right? Cause it looks uncannily like the arm movements Intern John John does when he’s “feeling fat” and wants to burn extra calories on his trips to the work kitchen. We see you Dane Nielsen! Don’t pretend you don’t love it!

And of course Johnathan Thurston is loving it sick. If there’s one thing we learnt on the footy show last week, it’s that JT loves nothing more than a spontaneous dance break. Remember this? Yep, that boy is good at three things: dancin’, playin’ footy, and standin’ with his mouth open. He’s already done two of those this week, and if our plans to drop an anvil on him tomorrow at the Maroons team hotel come off, he won’t be doing the third.

We’re thinking of painting a picture of Dave Williams on it as a pin-up girl, you know, like the bomber planes in WWII. And next to him it’ll say like “… this is for kicking me in the face, Johnny!”


Sammy’s got his own personalised program from the Queensland personal trainer: tone up without losing your curves!

You know who you don’t see in those photos, though? Cooper Cronk. That fierce bitch is nowhere to be seen, and surprisingly, it’s not because he’s busy having his nails filed into points for the big game or telling noisy teens on public transport to ZIP IT.

And even though Billy Slater’s been doing his best to channel the Fierce, we still noticed.


twitpic courtesy of Luttsy

When you think about it, it’s pretty obvious really. While Billy does his best Cooper Cronk impression (see how he tucked his shirt in! it’s all about the styling), the real thing has clearly put his foot down and refused to have any part in this team-photo plaid-shirt boot-scooting uniform fuckery. We all know he’s a well-dressed dude, and apparently he cares not for taking part in group activities where the outfits make you look like you should be handing out menus and refilling empty Coke glasses, saying “welcome to the Outback Steakhouse”.

But while the Queenslanders have been preparing for some kind of boot-scooting Origin face-off (bad choice, by the way, NSW would totally win. We have TAMWORTH, y’all) the Blues have been getting their James Bond on.

Gregg Porteous’ photos don’t lie:

Follow him on twitter here

Look how schmick they look! As our hero Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock always says, “you’ve got to dress for success!”. Followed by: “That’s why I sponsor a charity that gives away tuxedos to homeless people”. What a dude. Our boys are bringing the sexy back to Origin. Mainly, because of the sweet suiting. But also because they all have tiny locks of Matt Cooper’s ratstail sewn inside their suits.

And to all the people who suspect that the Blues can’t match the Maroons in sweet dancin’ moves, we say:

a) have you MET Akuila Uate? If you have, he was probably dancing at the time. He’s like rugby league’s answer to Seaweed from Hairspray.

and b) Jamie Soward can angry dance the hell out of the music in his head. Exhibit A:

We’re feeling pretty damn confident that when it comes to the dance-off portion of this year’s Origin (crew againzt crew! No rulez! Street-style!) the boys in blue will do us proud.

Oh, also, when it comes to the game. How do we know this? Because Kiki – and this is a direct quote – feels it in her waters. Which is EXACTLY what Glenn Lazarus said, too. You can’t argue with a skinny-legged blogger and the man they call the brick with eyes. Up the blues!

Pics. Getty Images

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confessions of a blues fan: the queenslanders are right

April 6th, 2011

UPDATE: HERE ARE SOME XXXX CHEERLEADERS FOR ROB_399.

I have to admit something that I really don’t want to: Queenslanders are right.

Truly, they are.

And what they’re right about is that tired old statement they trot out every year: “State of Origin will never mean as much to NSW as it does to Queensland”.

It’s true, it won’t.

And to explain why we probably need a little history lesson. When the Greatest Game of All came to live in Australia, it stopped by NSW first. There was a NSWRL, pretty soon there was a QRL, and there were games between dudes from NSW and dudes from the banana state.

The Blues won the first one against the baby Queenslanders in a 43-0 bloodbath. And for like a zillion years after that (except apparently the 1920s, when I assume all the Blues boys were too busy getting pissed in speakeasies to turn up and actually play sober) NSW kept winning. And worst of all, then they got cashed up, and anyone who could catch a ball north of the border moved to Sydney to get rich and nail chicks.


Is that Dally Messenger on the right?

Fun fact: “prior to 1956, Qld had won 25% of series played.”

Fun fact 2: “from 1956–1981 this number dwindled to only 3.8% with only 1 series win, in 1959.”

Thanks for the factz, internet!

But let’s leave it to some of Queensland’s own to explain why they kept on playing interstate games anyway:

The defeats, even though sometimes severe, far from disuaded the resilient Queenslanders. QRL officials openly stated that “We know we are not champions,” but felt that their only hope of raising the team’s standard was by playing against “such fine exponents as the New South Welshmen.”

Oh man. Trust me, if you’re from NSW that quote is delicious.

And why’d they start the rivalry up again with the new State of Origin in the 80s? Same ole reason. Cause people were forgetting that footy players in the Sydney comps came from north of the border, too. Queensland needed to prove that their footy exports were just as good as people from the Fancy State. And they did! What’s the current Queenland series-win ratio? Like 66%? SEE! WE’RE ALL GOOD AT FOOTY! (Not sarcastic, btw).

But the rest of it, the stuff about Being A Queenslander, well … we never understood it. We still don’t, really.

We get the part where you hate us, cause we hate you too. Not individually, of course … cause how can you hate Scotty Prince? But as a group. It’s just how we was raised. We hate the icky maroon you wear. We hate how you trumpet on and on about some kind of Queensland spirit. We hate how you select dudes from Fiji and New Zealand. We hate when you claim to be underdogs when you aren’t, and we hate even more when you win. Origin hate is universal.

But the bit about being Different and Special? This baffles us.

Like this dude in the Courier Mail.

Apparently:

“Being a Queenslander is not about what is written on a piece of paper, it is about who you are and what is in your heart.”

“They cannot understand this, because it is terribly difficult to squeeze anything into something the size of a split-pea.”

OH SNAP. Nothing burns like being compared to an obscure and unpopular legume. It’s not even one of the good ones that go in tacos. Mmmmm tacos.

Now it can’t be that being a Queenslander means having some unique skill or talent, cause the Blues have won a fair few cracking matches, no? Special shout-out to Ryan Girdler. TOOT TOOT!

So what, exactly, lurks in Queensland hearts that isn’t in Blue ones?

It’s not about ‘passion’ surely? Has anyone cared more than Turvy Mortimer when he collapsed on the ground, punching it in a frenzy of sheer, violent release after winning the Blues’ first ever Origin series in 1985? I have no proof of this, but I’m pretty sure he cried, as well.

It can’t be about determination, or tenacity, or competitive drive, because both teams are masters of fighting on even when a series is lost. It’s why there are so few series whitewashes in Origin history.

And it can’t be about bravery, or how in the hell did Brett Hodgson have the guts to back up from this tackle and keep running the ball at a line including the Raging Bull Gorden Tallis like a mouse running at …. well … a bull? Not to mention how Joey charged back from a broken jaw to win game two in 2005. That’s why his arse is so big, it’s full of courage.

From the outside looking in, it seems to me that the one thing Queenslanders feel in their hearts that’s missing from every NSW chest is a kind of hybrid feeling: a special mix of inadequacy and perceived invisibility. A feeling of being underestimated. If the desire for recognition was a colour, it would be maroon.

And it’s something Blues don’t have because, well, we’ve never had as much to prove.

Until the great XXXXX fiasco of 2010, NSW had never been a proper underdog. We started the league so we had more teams, and we started installing pokies, so we had more money. We were dominant in lots of ways. So that’s what, a century of self-assurance? No wonder the fans took it relatively easy. It wasn’t our war to win.

All of a sudden I realise this must be how the pretty, popular girls in high school school feel. The kind of girls who never realised how many people actually hated them.

We weren’t even mean! We were just … present. We had no idea you felt so unloved!

Which makes the XXXXX series record the equivalent of someone you don’t remember walking up to you at a school reunion, waving their paycheck and your high-school boyfriend (now their husband) in your face and saying SUCK ON THAT, BITCH!


What’s next? Will Queenslanders tell us they invented post-its?

We may not have had a quarrel before, but fuck all y’all if we don’t have one now. Queensland have been fuelling their hate with inadequacy since 1930 and NSW has been waaaay behind the 8 ball. We were apathetic. Content, even. We didn’t know what it felt like to suck for more than a year or two.

And Queenslanders have been going through this for a CENTURY. No wonder they’re so damn mad. You would have to build a mythology to sustain your sanity through that kind of extended emotional frustration.

Just like the ancients invented God to cope with the trauma of being slaves and hauling rocks up Pyramids, the Queenslanders have invented ‘the Queensland spirit’ to cope with being considered the less successful State in their formative years. They needed to believe that – even if they weren’t always winners on paper – they had SOMETHING the other state didn’t have. That thing was an intangible, magical Queensland spirit.

And even now they’re full-grown and fully competitive and have a team full of Aussie reps, they can’t stop believing that myth.

By comparison, we’ve only really had five years of true suffering. Meaning NSW has only just started to write a book of myths. It involves Queensland being mercenaries and cheaters, so even if we lose, at least we still have our integrity.

But how can 5 years compare to 100? We’ve barely gotten started. So you’re right, Queenslanders. In the scheme of things: we don’t care.

But it doesn’t mean we don’t hate ya. And it doesn’t mean we won’t win.

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footy observations: the maroon wrap-up

April 5th, 2011


Pic. Getty Images

Oh, Martin. How could you do this to us, Martin Kennedy?

We always thought Martin would be remembered for:

a) being a handsome ranga (cause god knows they’re rare enough … it’s pretty much him and the Love Shack, right?)

b) being born after 1980 and somehow still being named “Martin”

c) being an Oh Errol fave – remember when we did this adorable interview with him at the Easter show?

He’s a Bertie Beetle man! So cute.

d) and the rarest of all football achievements, the SELF-INDUCED TRIP-OVER FALCON.

But then he had to play a blinder against the Tigers and tell the media that he’s a Queenslander through and through.

Gotta be honest, that grosses the hell out of me.

This isn’t half-baked. You are either a Queenslander or you’re not and I am,” Kennedy said. “It was only when I went to Queensland that I started playing footy.

“I had 12 months of playing with my mates in NSW but it was in Queensland when I started to play seriously.

“I was born in NSW but my early years were on the farm in northern NSW. When you are young you really don’t know who you want to play for.

“My idols are Shane Webcke and Steve Price.

“If you grow up in Queensland, Queensland player are your idols.

“My greatest achievement before playing first grade was making the junior Queensland sides. All the junior rep teams I made were in Queensland.

ARGH, THE COBRAS THE COBRAS! Aside from ‘miss, did you know your dress is caught in your underpants?’ those are pretty much the most upsetting words I’ve ever heard. See, I can get on board with people living their whole lives in Queensland and growing up bleeding cane toady maroon blood. But the idea of someone who’s lived, you know … anywhere else, and choosing to call themselves a Queenslander blows my damn mind. And makes me feel a little nauseated. All that maroon *shudder*

But here’s the main thing: Geoff Carr (sup Geoff! how are ya?) says they don’t know which state he qualifies yet, but the important thing is: YOU CAN ONLY QUALIFY FOR ONE. First senior game. Not one senior game, not ten. It’s not like getting on a plane and choosing the chicken or the fish. Rules are rules.


Pic courtesy of awesomestorm. Thank you missy!

Amirite or amirite Cooper Cronk?

According to our Errol-fanz, responses to this whole Martin Kennedy debacle include:

“WE DON’T EVEN NEED HIM FOR QLD!”, “Who gives a rats arse?”, and even “They can have Kennedy, we’ll take Inglis back”.

Here’s the way I see it:

If it turns out he’s a Queenslander, then crack a XXXX and let’s all smash a Red Bull and a Stillnox.

If it turns out he’s a proper Blue, then … can we turn him down? If you don’t want to play, you shouldn’t, right?

And if the answer turns out to be “he’s eligible for both and he chooses Queensland like Greg Inglis” then I will straight up cut a bitch. And if being eligible for whichever state you like most is the new rule, I will also then build a time machine and go back and put every player who idolised a NSW player straight into the Blues team. Adrian Morley, come on dowwwwn! Doesn’t matter where you’re from! Just matters that you have love in your heart and a footy in your hands.

Queensland kinda needs to make a decision here. Either State of Origin is heaps important and shit, and actually proves something, in which case you have to follow the rules. Or, it’s just a random game we play and you might as well go nuts and start buying in Maori in the Origin version of Storm-salary-cap cheating. Mal Meninga could even make a little hand-made card and post it to the Crusaders saying ‘Sonny Bill, your wish has come true! You’re a Queenslander, eh bro!’

But if you’re not gonna take it seriously, no one’s allowed to cry when they win. Kk? Deal.

In other Maroon news, the NRL’s newest coach Anthony Griffin has told his boys not to fall in love with themselves after their winning streak.

“We’ve been good but it’s really important we don’t fall in love with ourselves,” he said after naming an extended 20-man squad on Tuesday.

Oh no, no, don’t worry, boys. When he says ‘love yourselves’ he didn’t mean THAT.

Ben Hannant, it’s okay. You can go back drinking your water, it was just a metaphor.

And Sammy Thaiday, don’t look so sad, since it’s a metaphor you can still have Special Alone Times if you want to.

And last, but not least, another man who wears a maroon uniform is in trouble for not keeping something in his pants.

Well of course Anthony Watmough is in trouble for peeing on the Corso. Oh, Watmough. And I won’t judge, because I’ve read the bible, and I’m pretty sure there’s a bit in there about letting she who has never peed in the street at night cast the first stone.

All I know is fish gotta swim. If you have a keg like Watmough in your second row, sometimes he pees in the street. Or calls someone’s outfit slutty. Or turns up to a community event in white board shorts.

He’s just … Watmough. Amirite, Cooper Cronk?

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