The time has come, chickens. Time for the round three State of Origin deathmatch. Deathmatch in the sense that, while it’s likely no one will die, I live in hope that there will be some kind of contest. Even though we’ve already lost the series for 2009, our boys in blue still have to fight out the third match. This one’s FOR DIGNITY, people.

And the need to reclaim some authority is getting more and more pressing. Remember we told you about the Jacksonville Axemen? The Queenslanders’ Origin domination has hit the point where even their founder, Spinner, is sending us hideous, gloating emails from all the way across the Pacific Ocean making fun of the blues’ loss. Worst of all … HE’S RIPPING OFF OUR JOKES. That’s right, taking our own cheap jokes about Queenslanders having trotters, and using them to burn us. Shit is dire.

The email popped into our inbox the day after Origin 2, with the subject line : I NEED SOME HELP. (If you’re wondering he spelled it correctly, not like when he emailed us GO QUEENSALNDERS).

Please can someone get me a chair or maybe a ladder or something. I will also need some kind of slip proof surface to stand on.

Although I have done this task many times I always find it hard and each time it seems to get harder due to the extra weight.

It is really a simple task but I take my small role in this process very seriously and I know that many people are counting on me getting it right.

I am not used to standing up on my hind legs, and my trotters do not get the best grip when I stretch up to hang the QLD flag.

And every time we win the additional weight of the trophies, medals and the burden of all the accolades is almost getting to be too much.

I understand that the folks down here will not lend a hand with my little project so maybe if I just wave the flag in front of them I can crawl up on their backs when they come and bow to pay homage to it knowing it and all it represents is truly GOD LIKE.

Yes, that it what I will do. Wave the QLD flag and then just trot up the top of the pile of those that mourn yet honor it’s AWESOMENESS and place it at the top of the pole.

GO YOU BLOODY QUEENSLANDERS.

DAMMIT. Things that make Queensanders happy are the absolute worst. I am Not Enjoying This.

I am especially not enjoying this because apparently the plague of injuries of NSW is not abating. We already had five men down for Origin 2, now Jamie Lyon and Luke O’Donnell and Paul Gallen are on the list two. WHAT’S GOING ON? I have read the bible and I’m pretty sure that once the plague of Rugby League injuries has been going for a few weeks, we’re meant to move onto locusts. Someone is deadset not following the script. WHERE ARE THE LOCUSTS?

Now clearly – because its all anyone can talk about this week – were gonna have to mention Nate Myles. Nate Myles and The Incident. Like Michael Ennis we were speechless, then confused.

You mean he … ?

… try not to make a poo joke, try not to make a poo joke.

And like the boys on FoxSports’ Long Lunch, we’re too grossed out to talk about it. Let’s just say Lozzy thinks the source of the problem might be that it’s tricky opening doors and using plumbing when you have trotters.

Speaking of: Mick Ennis and Brett ‘Noddy’ Kimmorley have been included in the team for Origin 3. Shocking, right? Despite some teething problems, we hate that Robbie Farah has been booted. But also kind of delightful, in that Noddy reminds me of a teeny tiny version of Hoppo from Bondi Rescue. WE LOVE HOPPO. It’s the nextbestthing to having him in a sky blue jersey of his own. (Clearly that would never happen. He’s far too old relaxed to be interested in playing footy).

If nothing else Ennis will look after NSW’s sledging requirements. I approve of this.

Hey Greg Inglis! We got you a little gift. Lotsa love, New South Wales.

Yes THAT IS TOTALLY A TRANSFORMERS REFERENCE. You know that shit is apt. Because the Queensland team are evil Deceptecons (apart from you Steve Price) and we are noble Autobots.  Yep yep.

Yeh so we shoulda written this yesterday but we were a) viciously hungover and b) annoyed at the world. And by world we mean QUEENSLAND. Booooo! As if things couldn’t get any worse, our eyes were subjected to herds of detestable Queensland supporters waddling about Sydney Airport the next day. All clad entirely in maroon. God, why are they so punishing?

This series loss is crap, but we knew it was coming.. By that we mean DAMMIT THOSE QUEENSLANDERS ARE JUST TOO GOOD. Did we really think that our baby blues could beat … pretty much the Australian team? Maybe. In the same way we think there’s a chance we could compete in Miss Universe. We live in a world of immense possibility, after all.

But the dream wasn’t to be.  So lets just do a run down shall we?

THE FANS

WE LOVE AUSSIE LEAGUE FANS. There is nothing that brings out the best in people like State of Origin. It’s like … the Olympics for fans. BEST. SIGN. EVER. There’s so much to love about it. I love that it’s actually addressed to Greg Inglis.

We love when fans direct their rage AT the actual players. Like when we went to watch the Roosters lose in dismal fashion against the Tigers at the SFS this season, Mitchell Pearce was standing in the corner in from of us, one irate fan stood up on his chair about three rows back from the field to yell ‘MITCHELL’.

The angryfan was so surprised when Mitchell actually turned around that he couldn’t even remember why he was so pissed and just pointed and shook his finger while making an angry ‘ngggggnnnnnnnnnggghhhhhhh’. It was awesome.

Also, don’t you love the simple fact that someone bothered to make a sign large and intricate enough to include the word BOWRAVILLE? He is so committed.

Possibly the only thing better is that – according to one of our Errol spiez, the lovely Jess – when the Maroons ran out a New South Welshman in a suit mooned them. Pulled on down his pin-striped suit pants and MOONED THEM. I am so proud to be from NSW right now.

THE BIFF

JUSTIN POORE. What a dark horse! First he’s building orphanages in Rwanda, next thing you know he’s whipping up a tasselled bra and smashing Mick Crocker with a right hook in Origin. He is a man of layers. And luckily for us, one of those layers is PUNCHING. Hallelujah!

Exhibit A – J.Punch Poore gets his sexy on

And we have to admit something. With this single act of biff Justin well….he became SEXY. Um hello ripped jersey! We have always adorrrred him, but more in a OMG HE IS SO AMAZING AND PERFECT AND HAVE U SEEN THOSE EYELASHES sort of way. Now his appeal has taken on a whole new dimension. Welcome to the Hot Man Stable Justin baby!

And yes, we know violence is wrong but FOOTY VIOLENCE IS DIFFERENT. We really enjoy watching Anthony Watmough almost magically appear in the vicinity whenever a fight erupts, all full of eagerness and busting to just punch someone. Anyone! He sniffs it out like an enthusiastic labrador diving into the bushes and popping out with an apple core. Heart.

DAVEY HAS NO NO TIMES

Ooooooooh dear. What can we even say? We aren’t gonna describe all of Dave’s fuck ups because well…you guys have eyes right? What we will say is:

a) Watching his distraught face on the TV literally broke our hearts. That shit was BLEAK.

b) Okay yes his mistakes were shockers, but most of the team under performed. If anyone is blaming him for our loss they are delusional.

c) Players have had bad debuts and gone on to be Origin superstars…hello Jarryd Hayne and Justin Hodges! Don’t write him off yet.

d) Guess the bubble had to burst for him at some point. His last 18 months have been somewhat charmed. But wow…what a way to come back to earth. THUD.

e) Even if everyone else in the world is ripping into you…WE STILL LOVE YOU DAVEY! So so much! If you ever need a place to hide out, we can blow up a bed and you can sleep on the floor of Errol HQ.

THE RUNS

K.Hunt is overjoyed at the win; regrets sharing a fork with Nate Myles.

Seriously, Nate Myles = almost as unfortunate as Ben Hannant. Is there anything worse than having it announced to the world that you have diarrhoea? THAT’S RIGHT, PEOPLE. NATE MYLES IN DOUBT FOR ORIGIN CAUSE HE CAN’T LEAVE THE CAN. We love it when embarassing shit happens to Queenslanders, we really do.

BABY HAYNE WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU

Yaaaaay! Go Jarryd-with-a-y! Hayne has often been thought of in the league world as being lazy/arrogant/generally unlikeable. Well forget all that shit coz bitch KILLED IT on Wednesday night. Not only did he score that sweet sweet try (revenge for the video ref debacle of Origin 1) he was also enthusiastic in defence and was probably the Blues best player. WELL DONE MISTER! You get an Errol gold star. Lucky boy.

At this point we would like to make a request.

Queenslanders, we are okay with you winning a record series. It’s hardly a suprise. But please, for the love of all that is good and holy, stop pretending it’s about heart, pride or the ‘Queensland spirit’. IT’S COZ YOU HAVE THE ENTIRE AUSTRALIAN BACKLINE FOR CHRISSAKE. Stop being self mythologising fantasists and accept you are just the better team.

See you in Game 3. We look forward to our Trent ‘our new favourite person’ Barrett smashing some more maroon jaws. What whaaaat!

(Pics from the lovely cronkster and GettyImages)

DAMN IT, PEOPLE. This shit is getting out of control. First Luke Bailey was ruled out of selection with a fractured arm. Then Luke Lewis with a broken foot-something. Then James McManus with a busted ankle. Then Michael Jennings with a calf injury. Next Robbie Farah’s not training cause his rib in-between bits are sore and Trent Barrett has a jimmy back.

Now Craig Wing has been booted from the NSW Origin team with an itchy sternum or laryngitis or … look I don’t even know what’s wrong with him. I’M NOT A DOCTOR. Anyway it matters not cause he’s not playing. Just the latest in a long line of Blues to bite the dust.

Not so quick, Learoyd-Lahrs.

Except maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Two injuries I could understand. After all, it’s footy, right? Shitty stuff happens. Shit like fractured arms and crushed toes or grabbing peoples wheels or sticking your finger in unexpected places or having your head stapled together on national television. 

Trent waits for the voltaren to sink in…
Pic. The Daily Telegraph

… and limbers up.

And Trent Barrett I could understand, too. The man is 31. Sure, in real life that’s young, but in footy terms that’s like making it to 100 … in the 1940s. Those bitches age in straight-up dog years. Plus it’s WINTER. No wonder his lumbago’s giving him issues. But all he needed was a bit of arthritis cream and he’s right. Tony Ayoub’s been driving up to Magenta Shores to grease up his old joints and now the old dogs’ fit enough to go back to his training routine of lifting medicine balls and running the four minute mile. 

But SEVEN INJURIES? Fuck me. Shit is ridiculous. It’s like the blue death. Or having a whole team of Rod Wisharts. Or that baseball episode of the Simpsons. The second someone is tipped for Origin II they fall under a bus or get gigantism or fall into the Springfield Mystery Spot. IT SUCKS. Before we know it Daryl Strawberry will be Captain of the Blues and I will top myself.

THIS IS THE WORST ORIGIN EVER. Even the boys look like they think so.

… Cept maybe for T.Camps. His spot is getting might close to being empty again. 

Injuries? There are injuries? PICK ME! I’M READY!

Although it’s entirely possible that Andrew Johns will just step in. He’s been filling in all week up at Blues camp and HE ALREADY KNOWS ALL THE MOVES.

Meanwhile there might be something else going on here. Considering that 85% of my Roosters team is also currently injured, I can only conclude one thing: somehow, I have displeased the Gods, and they are now wreaking their mighty vengeance.

Eh, we’ll just take the win.

I dunno how exactly you fix that. I did see this episode of Anthony Bourdain No Reservations where he knelt down and banged a little bell and apologised to the Universe for all the pigs he has eaten in his lifetime. So I’ll try that, but in the mean time, I’ve just lined up another shadow player:

I KNOW RIGHT? PERFECT! She’s super fast AND she’s tres enthusiastic. And yes … that is my dog. She’s a retired greyhound named Dolly Parton. Plus she’s only 1! Hello planning for the future! If we lose another winger she is all over this shit. (And let’s face it, we probably will. Those blues are dropping like flies).

See? Billy Slater totes looks terrified. Dolly Parton’s gonna be a menace in blue. CALL ME IF YOU NEED HER, CRAIG BELLAMY.

And if you’re wondering what the Maroons have been up to while the Blues were shattering their bones and muscles of glass … well, they’ve been doing what they do best:

Down and dirty and KEEPIN. IT. REAL.

So, predictions please? Who’s winning it and by how much?

As always thanks to the fab BS for the caps. Mwah! 

So it has come to my attention that some people who read this blog are …. what’s the word? Queenslanders. Oh, yes. I remember it well from my two trips to Queensland in the last few weeks. Apparently every single ad on tv in the entire state has to mention that word about EIGHT TIMES. Queenslanders … looking after Queensland. The insurance to deal with what Queensland throws at you. The Queensland bank you can trust.

KILL ME NOW.

I’m starting to wonder if they do it for the same reason they invented the infamous State of Origin ‘Queenslander’ chant: so they can remember where the hell they’re from. Those three syllable words can be tricky. OH YES, I SAID IT. I’m a petty NSW girl and making cheap jokes about Queensland is all I have left.

What was my point?

Oh yes, Queenslanders have trotters State of Origin is just days away. So the boys we don’t go for have put on their hideous maroon training gear and are busy getting ready for Origin II. How are they doing this, you ask? Well not, as you would guess, by living in huts they crafted from paperbark and training with footballs they have sewn themselves. Although I’m sure they’re still keepin it real.

Oh no, instead Mal and the crew took them back to the facility to be tuned up and detailed, all shiny and ready to go for the next match.

I KNEW IT. Ever since guest-blogger Bec told me, I knew it! They is robotsssss. Robots with human covers. And greatest athlete Billy Slater is their leader. That’s the only possible way to explain how good he is. He’s a super-human! Can’t you just imagine the day he was born? Bursting forth from his pod like Neo in the Matrix.

IT’S A BOY!

Cam Smith has the new Captaincy learning program installed (Lockyer’s gonna be out of service eventually).

Folds away for easy storage.

Crocker after his yearly buff-n-wax. So shiny!

… the Steve Price even comes with mix-n-match accessories.

Extra aggression apps for JT.

Word on the street is that Mal is also a little bit nervous about Joel ‘Big Red’ Monaghan being added to the NSW team after Michael Jennings was ruled out with injury.

Jennings packs his things and leaves the State of Origin house immediately. He thinks Cassi the bogan will win.
Pic. Brett Costello

“… big Joel, he’s got experience, he’s been there before, he’s a really rock solid player and very good in the air obviously and a good talker.”

NO ARGUMENT THERE, MAL. Monas never shuts up. He especially never shuts up when he’s taking the piss out of me. When I asked him the other night at Magenta Shores if he and Jarrod Croker share a hairdresser with the Aussie cricket team he came back with “… like you and Andrew Symonds?’

DAMMIT. I GOT BURNED BY MONAS AND MARIO FENECH IN ONE DAY. My life sucks.

Like the blues, burned three times by the maroons. FOURTH TIME’S THE CHARM. Till next time, kittens.

After the success of the Harvey Norman Women in League round, and before the next Origin match, the lovely folks at the NRL and One Community threw the last Women in League dinner for 2009. And, somehow, the Country Rugby League were kind enough to ask us along as their guests. I know, right? How nice are they? It makes no sense. Maybe they saw us in some of our Mary Kate Olsen-ish hobo outfits and thought we were probably in need of some free food and drink, and maybe a roof over our heads. 

The event was up at Magenta Shores, where the Blues boys are staying for their Origin camp. If nothing else this should end those annoying ‘NSW are pampered princesses’ comments cause … well I’m pretty sure pampered princesses don’t stay in resorts that smell like swamp. THERE. WE SAID IT. The resort is lovely, but still, it’s unnerving.

We want to say a big HI BOYS to the high priests of rugby league, David Gallop and Geoff Carr. Thankyou so much for the chats and the encouragement, let’s be best friends, call us every day.

First of all we have a huge complaint: why did no one mention on the invite that there might be tears? There should be a little WATERPROOF MASCARA warning right under where it says ‘Dress code: smart casual”. Between mains and dessert Mario Fenech interviewed the irrepressible Daisy, a league volunteer of 57 years. FIFTY-SEVEN YEARS. When he asked her what inspired her to support kids’ footy, her answer was ‘just seeing their effort to get those little legs all the way down the field”. We knowww, Daisy. Nothing cuter than little kids playing footy … remember how much we fell in love with Jacko in Orange? Her passion was enough to get us teared up, and we think Mario was choking back a few too.

We also really enjoyed that she turned Mario’s thank you kiss into a mouth-on-mouth moment. To be honest he’s not really our type (we know you won’t be offended, Fenech) but what a minx. Call us, Daisy. We’ll go out on the town.

To turn the night into a WiL-Origin extravaganza, the organisers sent one lucky Origin player to each table … except ours. Discrimination! Either discrimination, or somehow the players got wind of this and bribed someone to make sure they didn’t have to eat with the Errol girls. Instead we sat with ErrolSuperStaaah Bert. Sure he’s great company but if he’s given us Swine Flu we will be pissed.

If you’re wondering who gets the most love in the Blues team, it’s a tie between Robbie Farah and Craig Wing. When those two were sent to their tables, the crowd damn near lost their minds. Bitches are hits! One table even called over Dave Williams and his rapidly fading fairy floss beard to take their pics with Wingy. Um, this is a Kangaroo winger. Not a photo monkey! Can’t they rope in the Daily Telegraph photog for this shit? Poor Dave.

In other news now that the pink dye is fading, Dave isn’t so much fairy floss as coconut ice. Under the pink is a big ol layer of white beard. We couldn’t figure out if the beard is a fashion crime or a tasty delicious snack. Sadly we have no updates from Dave’s life for you because to be quite honest we couldn’t look at him without laughing, let alone carry on a conversation.

So let’s talk about the rest of the Blues.

Obviously Kiki is overwhelmed with joy at her Dragons boys representing NSW, and was even more joyous when Justin Poore strolled in, smiled and said hi … all of his own volition! We didn’t even force him to be nice! It’s always comforting to know someone has read Errol but still isn’t terrified of us.

Put down your flippers Monas! You’re playing Origin!

We were also delighted to see Joel Monaghan in the squad as a shadow player. As he walked in we spontaneously yelled MONAS WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? and rushed in for the sort of big emotional hug that you usually see at the Arrivals terminal in Sydney aiport. Not only is he the funniest man in the NRL, he also looks ever so dapper in a suit. It’s not his fault he forgot to bring shoes to match. Maybe he just doesn’t like wearing them, like me? I DON’T LIKE TO BE CONFINED! I’M A FREE SPIRIT! LOZZY SAYS SO!

Incidentally I somehow overlooked the fact that he would be there. Why? I don’t know. I am an idiot. But my subconscious somehow knew, because on Wednesday morning I went to stay ‘Origin’ and accidentally said ‘Monagin’ instead. IT’S LIKE I’M PSYCHIC. I HAVE A FIFTH SENSE.

Trent Barrett’s selection was quite the suprise, and truthfully we have been fairly ambivalent about it. There were tears and arguments in the Errol office, till eventually work experience boy Lachie used his one good arm and shoulder to get out the butcher’s paper and got us to brainstorm our way back to love and understanding.

Flirty, thirty and thriving!

Sure we were disappointed that the NSW selectors didn’t stick with their ‘new blood’ selection policy, and heartbroken that Errol retro fave T.Camps isn’t in Origin II, but there are pluses.

Universal truth: it’s not easy to pull off anger while holding flippers.

Pluses like since Barrett is in the team, we now have an Origin rep who is OLDER THAN US. But four years. Hurrah! Finally! We’re sick of those baby blue bastards rubbing their youth in our faces.

The intimacy helps me cope with the disappointment.

And the bright side of Hot Bitch Cooper missing out on selection is that we didn’t pass out from lust over the entree at the Women in League dinner. God I am so glass-half-full today. I almost make myself sick.

Instead we decided to chat up Craig Bellamy and see if he really is White Goodman. Remember that post? … good times). To our incredible disappointment he’s … likeable. GOD. How inconvenient. Likeable and charming in a well-fitting suit. I would even say he’s rather … dapper. DAMN YOU BELLAMY. Doesn’t he realise we’re trying to hate the Storm? Selfish bastard.

We also discovered Glenn Stewart looks pretty sharp with his new blonde hair (keep it Glenn! We like it) and that Anthony Watmough is an awesome and supportive cheerleader for women in league and in the media (and especially us, bless his heart).

And in true Errol fashion we managed to embarass ourselves. As the boys left for their villas, Kiki gripped Justin Poore by the shoulder and fervently announced in a stage whisper: “I’m so proud of you, Justin“. She really is invested in her Dragons boys. And the only think she could manage to say to Robbie Farah was to yell HI ROBBIIIEEEE in his face.

Worst of all: we got burned by Mario Fenech. No shit, kids. As we were chatting to him he told us “well you two are .. characters”. And when we protested that was ambiguous and kinda mean he followed it up with “…. well I was trying to be nice”.

THAT WAS NICE? MARIO FENECH TOTALLY DISSED US. SEE IF WE PLUG YOUR SOON-TO-BE-LAUNCHED WEBSITE THEFALCON.COM NOW.

Pics thanks to the gorgeous BS and his blog, Kiki’s iPhone and the Sydney Morning Herald (David Williams).

You knew we were gonna say it … didn’t you?  After our lengthy discussion last week about whether Queenslanders have trotters instead of feet (they totally do) we finally have proof. Proof in the form of Queenslander Ben Hannant and his positive test for Swine Flu.

WE KNEW IT. WE LOVE BEING RIGHT.

So in the interests of protecting the non-porcine members of the NRL, all the Queensland Origin boys are being quarantined from their regular teammates. No more eating at the same trough, sleeping in the same barn and rolling in the same mud. Instead it’s all face-masks and Tamiflu for the maroons this week.

The NSWRL consider redesigning the Blues’ State of Origin uniforms.

And I would like to take this opportunity to say: You bastards! Usually it’s my favourite thing of all when embarassing things happen to Queenslanders .. but today I found out the adorable Bert from Country Rugby League has been quarantined. THOSE FILTHY QUEENSLANDERS INFECTED NSW TOO! Is this some kind of Queensland sabotage scheme to help them win a fourth Origin series? We always knew all bad things came out of Queensland.

Meanwhile we are bloggers (ie we have no lives) so if Bert gets lonely he should just call us and we’ll come over with movies and braid his hair and entertain him. We can wear SARS masks in our NRL team colours and everything. We love you, Bert!

Bert works remotely from his Swine Flu bubble.

I’ll admit though, I am starting to feel a little bit sorry for Ben Hannant. First he gets publically outed with the runs, now he’s the NRL’s first Swine Flu casualty. Either there’s someone out there with a Ben Hannant voodoo doll and a really black sense of humour, or he played some really embarassing practical jokes on the other kids in primary school and has some violent humiliation karma stored up in the universe.

Ben Hannant gets increasingly lonely and desperate for friends in quarantine.

If I wasn’t scared of a) getting Swine Flu, and b) getting poked in the eye by one of his trotters, I would totally offer to give him a hug.

This story would also be a whole lot funnier if I wasn’t writing this …. from Queensland. We came up for a little long weekend Errol conference on the Gold Coast, and to see the Titans play the Dragons on Monday night, now we find ourselves in the middle of a fucking rugby league Swine Flu drama. Nothing worse than trying to deal with Swine Flu on a hangover. Right, Robbie Farah?

Lucky for all of us Israel Folau and Sam Thaiday have been holding jumpers over their faces while they walk around being filmed by the press. That’ll save us! Nothing stops disease like a knitted acrylic!

At least the Broncos tried. Apparently no one at the Dragons remembered to tell Darius ‘Astro’ Boyd that he is a Swine Flu pariah and wasn’t meant to be wandering around in the locker room at Skilled Stadium before the Dragons played the Titans.

And yes, that is Astro Boyd loitering in front of a bottle recycling bin, even though he is quite clearly not holding anything even close to a bottle. It’s possible this is because he is poorly informed about recycling, and just doesn’t understand what yellow lids mean. But I am 99% sure it was because he was ronery and just really wanted someone to talk to since the rest of the Dragons keep ignoring him cause he never passes the ball. I guess that’s a good thing, cause it means they probably won’t be infected. Kiki says thanks for being a ball-hog, Darius. V. considerate of you.

Turns out that one good thing about sucking as much as my Roosters do this season is that when you have no players selected for Origin, you get to stay safe from disease. We is healthy, healthy losers. I’m sorry, what did you say? Did you say I am clutching desperately at straws to distract myself from the fact that my team is now at the bottom of the ladder?

Pic. Anthony Johnson / smh.com.au

Well spotted, cause I was. On Sunday night when I was getting my face on for a night on the town in Surfers, Lozzy and Kiki kindly got me out of the shower and into the hall just so they could tell me that the Sharks had won a game … and my team was officially coming last. I literally lay down in the hall in my towel motionless for a good five minutes. Being better than the Sharks was all I had!

To make up for their two wins in a row, though, the Sharks Club mustered up another scandal involving Tony Zappia and his resignation. Well done, Sharkies. David Gallop says the NRL are gonna leave them to their own devices and won’t have an intervention. I say that’s a wasted opportunity.

Have you ever seen Intervention? That show is AMAZING. It’s the most addictive television I’ve ever seen. You know it’s wrong but you just can’t help watching. One time I even cried. If I was in charge I’d totally be holding a Sharks intervention. They could hold it in the Shire and televise it to raise enough money to pay off the Sharks’ ridiculous debt. People love watching other people who have worse problems than they do. It would be a ratings blockbuster. Sigh.

Meanwhile since Brett Finch left the Eels to go to the Storm, it seems like it’s partytime all around. The Eels now have Daniel (Son of Pete) Mortimer and Jeff Robson in the halves and flattened the Knights at home. Turns out Dan Dan Mortimer doesn’t just have the prettiest eyes in league, he also has a fucking nifty kicking game.

And my favourite double-double-named NRL player Fui Fui Moi Moi has taken over from Steve Matai as Ray Warren’s fave hairstyle in the NRL. Rabs never talks about his man Matai’s cornrows anymore … it’s all Fui Fui and his braids. He thinks, and I quote: “It’s a celebration!” And according to the Queensland Channel 9 sports reporter, his ‘hair tips’ match his jersey. HAIR TIPS? Like … a big book of hair tips? God Queenslanders are so weird.

Pic. Darren Pateman

I think it makes him look youthful … no?

And down in Melbourne Finch is working it Johnathan Thurston style:

…. it’s Brett Finch, BITCH.

No wonder he’s so happy. He’s obviously in the honeymoon stages of a Cooper Cronk bromance. Peeing together in the street, and rocking out shirtless in the locker room together. The Melby dressing room is starting to look like Arq (aka shirtless heaven) … so I totally get it. I have had some damn good nights out at Arq in my time.

In my mind they’re dancing to Kelly Rowland and the Cher megamix.

*discos out of the post*

Thanks as always to BS for the fabulous screen caps. Love you!

Apologies for not posting yesterday, darlings. But, you see, the Day After Origin is an official public holiday at Errol HQ. By which I mean we all hop in bed together and giggle away our hangovers of joy and/or sorrow. Can’t blog on a public holiday! For one thing, Intern John John would probably get all annoyed and try and start an Intern’s Union again. (The last one went down in flames when he and Intern Danny Wicks came to blows over the meeting catering options.)

I think our feelings about Origin can best be summed up visually.

……………. we lost.

Thanks Robbie Farah. Another relevant description is: DAMN I hate losing to Queensland. And not in the usual rageful we-enjoy-having-nemeses Angelina-Jolie-hating kinda way. I really REALLY hate it. It galls me. It actually makes me understand completely what the phrase ‘makes your blood boil’ means. There is deadset no other way to describe the rage Queensland incites in me. We even got a twitter warning for profanity because of it. FASCISTS. %$#&($#@.

But because I’m a masochist let’s talk about it anyway, shall we?

ALL THE WAY WITH BENNY CREAGH

I do NOT have my own heading! Do I?

It wasn’t all tears and heartbreak on the field. Our team of baby blues looked … well to be honest, they looked a little freaked at times. But on either side of that is the potential for future Origin brilliance.

They ran out so strongly that even my friend who knows NOTHING about footy – hi Cyan! – smsed to tell me they looked ‘dangerous’.  But after the abortive joy at Jarryd Hayne’s maybe-try in the first half, they kinda … wilted. Like rocket in a toasted sandwich. And do you know what? I understand, babies. I thought it was a try too. The only people who don’t are parochial self-deluding Queenslanders like Barry Dick on the Courier Mail website who maintain that Jarryd’s heel was on the ground in this shot:

How good is the helpful ‘FOOT’ arrow? Apparently Courier Mail subeditors have little faith in their readers.

NOT THAT I’M BITTER ABOUT IT OR ANYTHING. Booo hisssss Barry Dick. (It’s funny cause he has the word Dick in his name). 

And waiting around while the video refs watched eight replays gave them enough time to realise they were playing State of Origin and freak the hell out.
But this is what comes with experience, right? I’m gonna say yes, because by the time forty minutes had passed, our bbs made a tough, scrappy, big-hearted AWESOME comeback.

And we wanna make a special shout-out to Benny Creagh – specially in the first half. Watching him run at the line made me twinge with pride. We like to think us yelling ALL THE WAY WITH BENNY CREAGH whenever he got a touch of the ball helped immensely. I can’t wait to rock up to Origin II and spot the CREAGHs on the back of baby blue jerseys. You know it’s gonna happen, just you wait. He’ll be a hero for strawberry blond boys everywhere. Cause God knows they don’t have many.

On the topic of second-rowers, Luke O’Donnell smashed it in the second half. Did our pervy comments help?

… if I say yes will you promise to leave me alone?

In other news, unless you are colour blind, you would have noticed that Justin Poore looked RESPLENDENT in his blues jersey.

See? I am also super-proud to point out in massive pink writing that our new BFF Bert from Country Rugby League is sitting there on the left,looking very dapper in his Origin suit. HI BERT! We always knew you belonged on hotaussiefootyplayersshirtless.blogspot.com, you old dog, you.

Apparently Justin Poore is also the den mother of the blues. P.Wallace was so depressed after the loss he couldn’t even manage to get out of his clothes (that totally happens to me too when I’m depressed. Completely normal. One time I slept in jeans) and J.Poore stepped in to sort him out. 

I asked resident astrology and Tarot expert Lozzy and she thinks he must be a Cancer or an Aquarius. They are v. nurturing star signs. I’m not so sure. He doesn’t seem that into it, does he?

Justin: … right there mate?

Justin: Remember we talked about this in camp? Start from the bottom of the jersey, not the top.

Justin: Dammit just hold still I’ll do it myself.
Joey: … ? 

Joey: This is just getting weird now. I actually think I saw a porno like this once.

Justin: For the record, I’m not sitting next to him next Origin. 

THE KIDS FROM NORTH OF THE BORDER 

I can’t comment on the Queenslanders’ performance, because I don’t want to be biased on Errol. (That’s a lie. I love being biased. I just don’t want to talk about them. WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?)

So I’ll quote a Queenslander I used to work with, and surprisingly don’t hate. If nothing else, that’s probably because his username for footy tipping is ‘HatesTheStormHugh’. What a winner.

His summary is pretty much:

Well what did you expect? Every time QLD passed the ball it went to one of the stars of the game, all they had to do was not fuck up and the game was theirs. 

Amen. I will add though that Queensland really need to rethink their Origin suits.

No disrespect Inglis (that’s also a lie) but DAMN that is some zombie horror shit right there. Grey is NOT his colour. He looks straight up undead. That sort of thing is fine if you’re appearing as an extra in the Thriller film clip, not so fine for a victorious footy player.

Can’t they send the Queensland boys to June Dally-Watkins or Colour Me Beautiful or something to get their colours done and sort that shit out? It offends my eyes. (FYI, I think he’s an autumn, but it’s hard to know for sure until you get the scarf on their head).

In other news I will give you a chocolate bar if you can guess what song Johnathan Thurston was singing in his head while he waited for the game to start.

Here’s a clue:

WORK THOSE HIPS JT.

TRANSMISSION PROBLEMS

We should also say hi to the boys from Fire Up! and all their listeners for putting on a great shindig down at the Alexandria Hotel for Origin. The screen really WAS big. Plus the live show was a sell-out and hopefully raised shitloads for FBi. 

Oaten and Ferris even asked us to do some crowd interviews before the game … sadly we took that to mean the whole thing was on radio, and kept saying ‘who wants to be on the radio?’

Considering that NONE of the live show was broadcast, that makes us complete idiots. This is no surprise. It is, however, one of the most Errol stories I’ve ever heard. We do not win at life.

Meanwhile we are taking this loss as a sign for the future: our boys have the talent, they just need the confidence and the tenacity to go with it. See you at the next game, baby blues. 

Love, Sassy.

Thank you as always to the lovely Cronkster and the INCREDIBLE BS for the screen caps. You boys are the best.

Origin time! Just one more sleep to go till our beloved baby blues take the field in Melby at the newly and oddly-named Etihad Stadium. What is this place? Where is it? Is it the Telstra Dome? I have no idea. I will be watching it at the Alexandria Hotel and that’s what matters.

And our boys really are babies this year. Eight debutantes!

Don’t they look lovely?

Lovely and FIERCE. Justin Hodges and Johnathan Thurston tried to psyche out the baby blues by saying they’ll be terrified of the big night, but Benny Creagh (at the back, on the left, rocking the garland of flowers) was having none of it.

You wouldn’t play rugby league if you were scared.

Even Greg Inglis enjoys Ben Creagh’s burns. Izzy Folau just likes smiling.

Pic. Wayne Taylor

Try and argue with THAT logic kids. His job does involve running at gigantic men for a living. Hodges might be the noisiest sledger but Benny Creagh prefers a succinct burn.

Plus I bet Hodges doesn’t have an adorable personalised slogan like ALL THE WAY WITH BENNY CREAGH. HAH.

Benny Creagh has to be especially un-scarified to run out on the field each week, because God knows he’s had his share of injuries. No shit it seems like his head somehow manages to get broken and start bleeding every single time I watch the Dragons play. Head of glass!

It got to the point last season where I watched a documentary about how head injuries can turn kids into serial killers – (it’s true) – and after a few cocktails at the weekly Errol management meeting, we were thisclose to putting on a special Benny Creagh safety and surveillance team. Then we sobered up and got over it.

Well apparently Luke Bailey read that post too. When the Melby press asked if the NSW pack was aggressive enough he announced:

“I think [Ben Creagh] can snap. He is a bit like Ivan Milat, he has got that serial killer in him.

But we will have to see if he can get fired up first. I’ve seen him fire up a couple of times.”

WE KNEW IT. Oh Errol: breaking rugby league serial killer news … first.

And in case rugby league and State of Origin wasn’t dramatic enough to get Victorians interested, the teams have gotten all paranoid and finger-pointy to try and get them intrigued. SEE GUYZ! JUST LIKE UNDERBELLY … BUT WITH FOOTY!

Queensland say NSW turned up late to a coaching clinic for bushfire victims to avoid gettin spied on. Then they ran a closed session, so Queensland one-upped them with their own closed training session. Bellamy’s even keeping his team list folded up in his Secret Coachez Diary. It has a padlock and a sign saying CRAIGZ STUFF DO NOT RAED.

Ok, so maybe it’s not so much Underbelly as Bring it On. They don’t want those opposition bitches coming up to Compton and stealing their moves.

I’m sexy, I’m cute. I’m popular to boot! I’m bitchin, great hair! The boys all love to stare!

Meanwhile with Errol fave and Cowboys start Luke Hot’Donnell in the team, I was going to sit down with mah quill and mah parchment and write some of our trademark Errol perviness for you, possibly involving talk of intensity and sin bins and whatnot. That’s part of the site’s charm, right? Then I opened up the news.com.au website and realised Dean Ritchie and Matt Marshall had written an article about whether Luke is the new NSW enforcer, and did a better job than I could EVER do of being pervy.

“I’d go even further than O’Donnell just being the enforcer,” said Murray, who coached O’Donnell at North Queensland and NSW. “All the NSW back-rowers are edge players but I’d put O’Donnell in the core.

“He’s aggressive and explosive enough to handle the heavy stuff.”

OOF. Aggressive and explosive. That phrase is so … romance novel. I love it.

“O’Donnell can go the distance and has great stamina.”

Oh man. It’s funny cause I’m smutty. I love a double entendre. Also, single entendres.

“It’s an intense style of footy,” O’Donnell said. “A lot of people talk about back-rowers these days just as workhorses or having a workrate, a lot of players have that these days, but I’d like to think I can bring a bit of impact and a bit of sting in defence and attack.

“When I’m in form I think I’ve got a lot to offer at this level.”

“I’ve been here before. I’m happy to do any job I’m given.”

Seriously? I couldn’t make this shit up. I would make a joke about I’ll-give-you-a-job but IT’S JUST TOO EASY.

“I guess I have always been pretty aggressive out on the field, ever since I was a young fellow. I love the confrontation. I love the body contact – that’s what I love about the game.

“I go as hard as I can every minute I’m out there. That has always been my approach.

Body contact? IT’S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL.

NSW legend Steve Roach has a huge opinion of O’Donnell.

“You need someone to really get stuck in and O’Donnell is the man,” Roach said.

“I just love (his) energy and power. He won’t relent … he just keeps going. The harder it is, the better O’Donnell likes it.”

…………………………………….

I’m sorry, what was my point? Oh, yes. Even though it’s not us making the pervy comments this State of Origin (it’s weirding me out too, don’t worry), there are some things that never change.

[Doesn't that article read like something we wrote as a joke for Errol? It reminds me of the 'interview' I di with Intern John John last year. Seriously, can you believe the real John grew a mo for us after that? Neither can we. -K]

Even after winning the last three series, and the fact that they have a virtual monopoly on Australian rep jerseys, the maroons have STILL managed to find a way to make themselves underdogs.

According to Cam Smith:

We knew what it felt like to be in their position three years ago, and you’re going to do anything to try and get a win.

It’s something that we need to be careful of. We can’t underestimate these blokes. They’ve got the easy job.

No one expects them to win. They don’t have to worry about any outside factors. There’s no expectation on them, so they can just go out there and play their own game.

It must be so stressful being Origin superstars. Poor maroons. I can’t wait to beat you.

On the eve of the first State of Origin clash I thought we should take a look back at some of past NSW and QLD themed lolz.

* One of my fave posts ever. I take a look back through all my Origin experiences starting in the mid 90s. READ IT!

* Why Queenslanders are self mythologising fantasists. THEY ARE NOT UNDERDOGS. Read about this here and also here

* The joy of NSW victory in the first game of 2008. A post entitled ‘Suck On It Queensland!’

* Sassy’s observations from the second game. Remember Greg Bird’s lolz mo?

*The decider last year…aka Black Wednesday. Thank god we experienced some serious hilarity at the game otherwise we woulda topped ourselves for realz.

As for this year, tomorrow night we will be appearing on the Fire Up Origin Special! Wheeeee! Tune into FBI Radio 94.5 at half time to hear Sassy and myself. Go on, you know you want to.

GO THE BLUES!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HELEN JOEL

It’s Joel Monaghan’s birthday today! Variously known as reigning Ranga of the Year 2008 (to all of us here at Errol HQ) and the ‘unknown man’ (to whomever does the subediting at news.com.au) … our man Monas is now officially 27.

Happy birthday baby! I think he really enjoyed the singing cake-o-gram we sent him this morning, too. We are always thinking of others.

If I had to guess, I’d say picking his favourite gift of the day was a really tricky choice between the singing cake and the fact that he was named in the NSW State of Origin squad announced today. Wheeee, origin! ONLY SIX WEEKS TO GO, KITTENS!

ORIGIN SQUAD 2009 – SQUAD OF LIESSSSS

As soon as I read this and saw that it included Benny Creagh/Justin Poore/Patron Saint Dave Williams/Robbie Farah/Michael Jennings/Michael Weyman/Trent Waterhouse/T.Camps, but omitted Noddy Kimmorley/Jamie Soward/Nathan Hindmarsh I was variously overjoyed and outraged.

I also thought that Nick Tedeschi over at Punting Ace would be absolutely beside himself that the Colin Best Express is in the squad.

Except then I read this:

So it’s not really a squad then … so much as, say, a jumping off point from which to start negotiations?

Not to mention the fact that it has forty people in it. Aren’t there only 400 players registered in the NRL? And surely at least half of them are British/Polynesian/Kiwi. Once you take out the Queenslanders, doesn’t that include pretty much every person in the NRL who’s from NSW? Man, I’d be pissed if I was left out.

Chris Lawrence (also known as THE MAN WHO IS FASTER THAN BILLY SLATER … OH YEAH! *thrust*) calls it “a good indication that they’re thinking about you.”

Aaaah, so it’s like a State of Origin bat-of-the-eyelashes. The selectors are the pretty girl at school who’ll give you a look that says maaaaaybe I’ll go to the dance with you, but only if I don’t get a better offer. Bitch is triflin. For real.

The squad will come together next week to discuss the entire State of Origin program, including training schedules, gear fittings, media and team photos.

Apparently all you get out of being in the squad is that you get to go to meetings and discuss what outfits you’re going to wear. Actually I guess that is pretty important when you’re about to be watched by a yet-to-be-determined proportion of the entire population of at least two whole states. Personally, I hope this year they go with pleated skirts and knee socks like in A League of their Own.

L-R: Glenn Stewart, Joel Monaghan, Luke O’Donnell, Michael Jennings and Trent Waterhouse (embracing), and James McManus celebrate a NSW victory.

INVOLUNTARY REP-SPONSE

See what I did there!? Took a real phrase and misspelled it so it refers to REP-resentative football. God, I’m good. Anyway, before we get to the squad list, I warn you that when you read it you’ll see those two magic words: Jamie Lyon.  Ummm … what the fuck? How many times can one man say he doesn’t want to play? As far as I can tell he has:

a) told Craig Bellamy over the phone;

b) written to the ARL;

c) burned it into his front lawn with weed-killer, and

d) told Laurie Daley via coconut phone.

… nyello, Jamie? Go ahead, I’m listening.

THANKS BUT NO THANKS, BITCHES. I’m kinda starting to feel sorry for him. What’s the point of even putting him in the team if he would rather not be there? Can you force a man to play involuntary rep football?

You know he’ll just keep quiet until training starts, then turn up with a note saying he has period cramps, like I did when I didn’t want to practise life-saving and rescuscitation in the disgusting UNSW pool in year nine. Which was pretty much every week for two semesters. (Clearly I care not for saving lives. That’s what the Bondi Rescue boys are for).

Ther’s one other thing, though: I honestly can’t even talk about this without it blowing mah mind. Jamie Lyon doesn’t want to play Origin. Doesn’t … want … to. Would rather … not. It’s like hearing “back off Hot Bitch, you’re close enough for me to smell your cologne” or “does this top come in maroon?”

Especially since every year when I go to Origin I am deadset thisclose to running on the field. I’M READY! PICK ME! I have a nifty little sidestep, a really overactive imagination, and I think I would make an excellent centre. I could partner Matt Cooper. Heh … partner. Apparently I even have a really disconcerting habit of leaping to my feet whenever there’s a fight and miming frenzied uppercuts. I JUST REALLY LOVE MY STATE OK?

And I figure if you don’t wanna be a Blue … you aren’t one. Apparently where you are from and where you grew up and where you started playing mean little to nothing in representative league (Hi Greg Inglis and Flossy Nightingale!) so let’s just base it on desire instead. Which disqualifies Jamie for 2009.  Moving on … NEXT!

Go ahead and have a read of the squad and get ready to hear our own NSW Origin team later this week. Kiki is actually in the back room with the interns and a box of wine right now (poppas for Lachie) moving little blue toy soldiers around on the table figuring out who should go where. And when we’re done we’ll reveal all in OUR PLAN TO REGAIN THE ORIGIN TROPHY.  *uppercut*

THE “JUMPING OFF” SQUAD:

Luke Bailey (Titans), Colin Best (Rabbitohs), Terry Campese (Raiders), Matt Cooper (Dragons), Ben Creagh (Dragons), Ben Cross (Knights), Michael Ennis (Bulldogs), Robbie Farah (Wests Tigers), Paul Gallen (Sharks), Keith Galloway (Wests Tigers), Kurt Gidley (Knights) Jarryd Hayne (Eels), Ryan Hoffman (Storm), Michael Jennings (Panthers), Brent Kite (Sea Eagles), Anthony Laffranchi (Titans), Chris Lawrence (Wests Tigers), Luke Lewis (Panthers), Jamie Lyon (Sea Eagles), James McManus (Knights), Mark Minichiello (Titans), Joel Monaghan (Raiders), Josh Morris (Bulldogs), Jarrod Mullen (Knights) Luke O’Donnell (Cowboys), Mitchell Pearce (Roosters), Josh Perry (Sea Eagles), Justin Poore (Dragons), Anthony Quinn (Storm), Michael Robertson (Sea Eagles) Brett Stewart (Sea Eagles), Glenn Stewart (Sea Eagles), John Sutton (Rabbitohs), Alan Tongue (Raiders), Anthony Tupou (Sharks), Peter Wallace (Broncos), Trent Waterhouse (Panthers), Anthony Watmough (Sea Eagles), Michael Weyman (Dragons), David Williams (Sea Eagles).