4 

the bitch is back, and so is steve matai

April 24th, 2011

Like Elton John, the Bitch is back. Did you miss me? I can only assume you spent the last eight days in the corners of your bathrooms, rocking gently and moaning ‘Sassy’ … yes? Thought so.


In Northern England this is how they say NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN. Men of few words.

Meanwhile apparently footy got at least 80% more fabulous and 45% more scandalous while I was gone.

I turn my back for seven days and Todd Carney is out with (alleged) assaulter Anthony Watts, getting his (alleged) drink on and (allegedly) denting the very slim hopes NSW have of actually winning an Origin series again. Why are the brilliant always so blighted by scandal and misfortune? He may have the face of that little dude on the MAD magazine covers, but in reality, Todd Carney is the Robert Downey Jr of the NRL. Oh, Ro.Ju. If only I could import him to give his special brand of wise and slightly sarcastic brand of hard-earned life advice and help Todd sort his shit out.

Sadly, Ro.Ju was not one of the 96 celebrities we spotted in LA, so that’s not gonna happen. Instead, I’m planning to do the next best thing, which is to chase Todd out of Coogee – because God knows nothing good EVER happens in Coogee – and force him to sit through the classic ‘Only You’ starring Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr while we talk about our feelings. Possibly with a ‘Heart and Souls’ chaser. If that doesn’t help him turn his life around and avoid getting the sack, nothing will. Am I right?

Of course it doesn’t help that while I was dealing with the knowledge of Todd’s suspension – excuse me for a second while I wipe my tears – I was also dealing with Jharal Yow Yeh running through the Tigers’ defence at the SFS like a windy little maroon freight train.

He might as well have been wearing a blinking neon sign saying ‘THE FUTURE OF QUEENSLAND ORIGIN’ while he taunted me with his flashy step and nifty hands. Sigh.

On the other hand, Sam Thaiday might as well have been wearing a giant neon sign that said ‘LOLZ’, because he spent at least 66% of that game arguing with the referee, and there is nothing funnier than an outraged Sam Thaiday. Especially since his new haircut kind of makes him look like a man wearing a puffy ladies shower cap.

Except maybe shirtless Sam Thaiday squatting in front of a palm tree.


Wanna make something of it, bitches?

And down at Brookvale, Steve Matai did everything but wear a sign saying ‘OH HAY LET’S DANCE.’


Can I get a MA-TAI?


… OH YEAH THAT JUST HAPPENED.

Who knew this is what happens when the Matai scores a double?

Imagine the frenzied worm he would’ve busted out if the ball hadn’t headed to Wang Man Robbo and he’d managed to grab the third try.

But by far the worst thing that I missed on holiday was the dire situation over at Errol Tips. Obviously I’m feeling super party times that Suzi Firth, Bingle and the crew are in the top ten. (And check out Kiki lookin all smug!)

But then I remember …. Hoppo. Lifeguard Hoppo, who teases us mercilessly about everything, has cracked the top ten. THIS CANNOT CONTINUE. This is the same man who always alerts the helicopters when I go swimming and tells them to look out for migrating whales.


In his kids’ colouring books, Hoppo captions this ‘Sassy’

So, old man Hoppo, much as we love and respect you, and even though our parents taught us to always respect the elderly … you’re going down. It is my personal mission to beat him in 2011 footy tipping. Are you with me, kids?

But more importantly, I think I might’ve been a little jetlagged, because yesterday I passed out and didn’t wake up for twelve hours, missing two – count ‘em, TWO – valuable games of footy. What did I miss?

Pics. Getty Images

13 

two-for-one recap: remedial footy and rain gods

April 2nd, 2009

No proper recap from me this week. Instead you get two incoherent rants about two different games smooshed together to look like one.  Oh, you wanted a comprehensive game run-down? Well:

a) I was hungover for one of these games, and

b) it’s my blog and I’m lazy.

So you better like what you get or I will kick you in the shins.

EELS VS RAIDERS

Aah I love when these two play.  It’s a bonanza of retro!  Clearly Marc Herbert and Terry Campese have taken time out from their busy schedule of signing up for World War I to be here, and Nathan Hindmarsh and Joel Reddy have kindly time-travelled from the seventies to make it a fair competition.

I actually mistook Reddy for Hindy when he was gossiping in the corner of the changeroom with Eric Grothe, Jr before the game, which obviously means his mop is coming closer and closer to the awesomeness of Hindy’s.  Close … but not quite.


Pic. Mark Evans

Captain Hindy of the Wildcats has brought a whole new game this year in terms of hair.  BEST HAIR EVER, RIGHT?  We say yes.

Coincidence that this Best Hair Ever has Parra sitting at number 7 on the ladder with two wins out of three?  Coincidence that Joel Reddy seems to be playing better than ever now that he’s gone the mop?  You can’t argue with Science, people.  You can’t argue with Science.

Ok so I haven’t quite figured out where Fui Fui Moi Moi’s new mullet fits into this theory, but I’m working on it, babies.  I really am. I even have my lab coat on as we speak.


Disclaimer: may be stand-in science lady and not actual Sassy

Do you know what though?  There’s something better than the Parra festival of Kick-ass Seventies Hair … the comeback of Eric Grothe, Jr.  That’s right bitches, GROTHE IS BACK.  It’s THE RENAISSANCE OF GROTHE.


ME SO HAPPY.
Pic. Mark Evans

Renaissance is the perfect word too, cause Guru isn’t just the comeback kid of Parra … he’s also – as Suchy reminded us the other day – the lead guitarist of Three Day Grothe AND lead singer of Shinobi.  Bitch doesn’t just play footy, he’s a musician. And – get this – a comedian.  Three Day Grothe … see what he did there?  Eric Grothe, Jr is pretty much a Renaissance man. Bet he plays chess and studies archaeology too.

The Errol office was filled with glee when he put down the match-winning try. SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE TO GO BACK TO RESERVE GRADE!  SOMEONE GETS TO STAY IN FIRST GRADE WITH THE BIG BOYS!

How does it feel, Eric?


… Aw yeah, pretty good. I’m excited to get to use proper pencils and pieces of paper with corners again.

And is there a particular reason you’re not wearing a shirt for this interview?


Not allowed to have proper shirts in Reggies, only jerseys. Coach says we might pull the buttons off, try and eat them and get choked.

The only failure in this game was that Canberra couldn’tquitemanage to bring back the scrum-split for a try.  Next time, darlins.

 

SEA EAGLES VS PANTHERS

As Kiki said, even though it COMPLETELY ruined our tips (thanks for nuthin, Sea Eagles) we loved seeing the Panthers get up at Brookvale.  And not just because our favourite Baby Panthers Lachlan Coote and Wade Graham were total stars.

Pic. Phil Hillyard

Yes, we did discover them.  Feel free to send us royalties of some kind.

It was also a massive game of firsts. First time that Steve Matai busted his hair out in a curly ponytail, first time we ever saw work experience boy Lachie pack into a scrum. (Which didn’t go too well, if you were wondering. Think: “LACHLAN. GET YER HEAD IN”.)

Also the first time Des Hasler got so incredibly enraged that he affected the physical world.  We are massive fans of Des Hasler’s Rage.  One of my personal highlights of the 2008 season was seeing Dave Williams fumble the ball and Dessie scream ‘MOTHERFUCKER’ from the coaching box.  We are also massive fans of his full and feathery head of golden hair. Which is why I especially love it when he spews a tirade into the coaching mike then concludes it by whipping off his headset and shaking his mane as if to say AND THAT’S ALL THE ABUSE YOU GET.  Oh, Des.

I would actually like it if they could somehow organise for there to be a Dessie-cam every time I watch Manly play on tv. Just a little Dessie-cam box down in the left corner. That Monday night game was a festival of fumbles and penalties and general no-no times and for every single one that happened we screamed out from the couch to see Dessie’s reaction. ‘Cut to Des!’ we cried. ‘SHOW US DESSSIEEEEEE!’

Dessie just really cracked it this time.  It’s no coincidence that it started pissing down at Brookie precisely as Des was giving his halftime speech and/or silent treatment. You can trust me on that, cause I have a lab coat.

It was raining so bloody hard Matai had to put his hair in a bun. That bitch Hasler has found a way to channel his fury and control the weather.  He’s a weather god … like THOR. Cept instead of a hammer he has a headset.

You know those boys know what they’re in for too. I swear little Shane Neumann is looking up at the coach’s box in terror.

Michael Robertson on the other hand … well he pretty much looks like that all the time now.

See?

We’re getting kinda Concerned about Robbo, to be honest. With Brett Stewart out, Robbo’s been shunted back to fullback.

And if you look really closely in his eyes, every time one of the wingers does something good, Robbo sees his spot on the wing slipping away and dies just a little bit inside. Same thing whenever Adam Cuthbertson does something good and people discuss how he has a rocking Wolfman beard now. Especially the same thing whenever Robbo fumbles the ball or passes across the sideline to an imaginary man and has no no times.

If you’re wondering I also missed some of the game because at one point the commentary team said Shane Neumann “just found himself in an awkward situation on a wet evening” and I giggled for ages.  Who HASN’T, Shane.  Who hasn’t.

 

And lastly I wanna introduce a Brand New Errol Superstar. We were always Michael Gordon fans, but that was before he went ahead and grew a moustache.


I wonder if the Errol girls will like my new mo?

Well actually, more like I realised he was hot last year, then completely forgot he existed during the off-season because I have a memory like Swiss cheese. Although apparently I am very consistent in my taste in men because I thought the same thing all over again this year.  I win at life!

It’s just like the time I sauntered over and cracked onto a cute scruffy blond boy at the Brighton Bar, only for him to tell me I had done exactly the same thing and pashed him the week before. OOPS. On the bright side he didn’t seem to mind.

Anyway. God knows there’s nothing we love more than a man with a mo … and we’re 99% sure he grew it specifically to be on Errol.

UNCANNY! It’s like he is Errol Flynn. Well we love it, baby. Thumbs up, Mister Gordon.

Thanks to the lovely BS for the MG and Eric Grothe caps. Check out the whole blog, why don’t ya?

12 

r-l-w-c w-r-a-p: new zealand and mata haris

October 17th, 2008

HOW MANY SLEEPS TO GO? …. um, not many.  I can’t be bothered counting.  But the Rugby League World Cup is a-gettin closer and Errol HQ is abuzz with excitement. Work Experience Boy Lachie keeps running and jumping his way through all his jobs in the mornings and passing out in the corner for naps after lunch. Intern Brownie has left us for Britain, and Intern John John is really feeling the strain of being short staffed (heh, staff).  Yesterday our ray of sunshine intern almost made a frown.  It was upsetting.  

So apologies if Errol has been a little light on World Cup updates lately, but the truth is that actually making our own evening dacquiris and searching for images of men with moustaches takes up quite a lot of time. Who would have thought?  We are tres overworked.

And looking at what’s happened in the past week, I can only assume I have missed out on several Important Top-Secret World Cup meetings where, apparently, everyone decided the best way to even the playing field for this year’s cup was to annihilate Australia’s back line. Just as Justin Hodges was ruled unfit with a “busted shoulder”, and Brett Stewart got one too, brilliant defender and all-around hot bitch Matt Cooper suddenly needed “groin surgery“.  DON’T THINK YOU CAN FOOL ME, BITCHES.  This is so blatantly transparent I can’t even stand it.  Taking Hodges and little Bretty out with Tonya Harding bats-to-the-shoulder then sending in some kind of World Cup Mata Hari to shag Hot Bitch Cooper into an incapacitating groin injury.

I’m 99% sure their next plan is to ensure our new recruits Darius Boyd and Karmichael Hunt are charged by police and booted from the team halfway through the comp.

I can’t wait to find out what horrible injury they have planned for the newest Kangaroo – and Oh Errol Award nominee – Joel Monaghan.  Car door to the head perhaps?  Falling down a mine shaft?  Does he even realise he’s stepping into a cursed team?  Poor baby.


… is arsenic detectable? Better check with Benny.

Tell me this: can it be mere coincidence that, while Hot Bitch, Hodges and Snake are looking at stints on the sideline, Brett Stewart’s teammate who was actually injured when he played the Grand Final, is now livin it up at training camp with the Kiwis?  I THINK NOT.  Just look at Steve Matai, all snuggly and smug.  WAS IT YOU?  ARE YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS NEW ZEALAND?


But sir! Everyone else has black shirts! I feel like a tool.

Coincidence that poker-faced genius and former Broncos coach Wayne Bennett rocked up to New Zealand training this week?

 

It’s all very suspicious.

But the really worrying thing about this whole New Zealand plot may well be that … I don’t hate it.  As an Aussie I should be outraged, non?  But watching the New Zealand Maori play the All Golds on the weekend, readers, I felt things.  Nice things.  Things like smiles and butterflies and affection.  WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME?

Maybe I do finally understand the whole Islandergate situation and multiple loyalties. Cause I look at those Kiwis and just seeing all the boys I love in the NRL gets my heart all confused. Krisnan Inu! Flossy Nightingale! Issac Luke! But, but … how can they be dirty Kiwis?

There is also the fact that it is pretty much impossible to hate Ruben Wiki.  I’ve tried, not possible.  It’s like hating Nathan Hindmarsh.  It defies human logic. And it seems like some of the ole Ruben magic has rubbed off on the New Zealand and made me love them the way I kinda love Parramatta.


See? Even touchies want Ruben Wiki to score!

The whole thing also had me wondering if New Zealand are even capable of sabotage.  You tell me.  Maybe think about it while we move onto other news.

As you know, we Errol girls are off to meet n greet the Irish Wolfhounds this week, so we’ve been eagerly tracking their trip to Australia on the big Errol whiteboard. And you know how indignant we were to hear that the Irish boys had been shunted back to economy while their English big brothers rode in business class. Clearly that is both unnacceptable and racialist. Am outraged!

I have dug a little though and found some facts to put the Wolfhounds diss into perspective.  At least, unlike the Papua New Guinea Kumuls, you were actually let into the country.  And most importantly, unlike the French rugby league team, you aren’t in Caloundra.  (Love and kisses to all our Queensland readers, by the way).

Chin up, Wolfhounds.

 

All images: Getty Images

8 

footy observations: vun, two, three

September 2nd, 2008

Gather round little vuns!  Footy observations time!  Only a short one this week as we have been super busy planning Intern Brownie’s farewell party.  So many novelty Brownie wigs to buy, so many balloons to blow up, so many arguments about what to engrave on the back of his farewell gold watch.

Plus since John John was planning to secretly change the engraving to a pornographic sketch, we had to send little Lachie to the jewellers instead and he mixed up his lefts and rights again and ended up lost for a whole afternoon.  Long story. (Don’t worry we eventually found him safe asleep in one of the puppy cases at Pets Paradise).

Anyway, let’s dive in.

VUN!


abc.net.au file pic

Not only will the Roosters be taking on the St George Dragons next week in the last round of the regular footy season – meaning there may well also be a domestic hetero-life-partner dispute between Kiki and me – but Anthony ‘the Count’ Minichiello has decided to up the drama by making his long-awaited return to the Roosters side.

Mini!  I missed you so!  It’s been two months since he was last on the field, due to his back of glass, and I like the sense of occasion he’s brought to his return to the game.  Saving it up until the final week of competition, for a game that will determine whether the Roosters will finish in the top four of the competition, against the team that beat them last time the two teams played at the footy stadium.  Oooh the drama.

I think someone’s been taking advice from Terry Biviano.  I will be in no way surprised if he enters the field on a white horse wearing nothing but his cape and a pair of stilettos.  Girl knows her drama like she knows her ghd (and that is HOW).

Mainly I just hope that Mini isn’t injured again this Friday night, and especially not by one of the Dragons.  Kiki and I are watching the game from the members’ stand instead of The Cheap Seats (like we usually do), so we have promised to be on our absolute best behaviour and try not to spill anything or break anything or embarass ourselves in public, and that kind of shit just might bring us to blows.

TWO!

screencap: leaguehq.com.au

Um … how is it possible that two men are going before the judiciary this week for spitting?  Two!  In the same week!  When has anyone been called up for spitting before ever?  Never, as far as I remember.*  Admittedly too much television and loud music and vodka has destroyed most of my long-term memory cells, but I maintain that this is a very odd turn of events.

But oh yes, beardy Wade McKinnon of the Warriors and Matt Hilder from the Knights are both in trouble for gettin their spit all up in peoplez faces.

And sure, maybe they did.  But what I wanna know is how exactly the judiciary decides.  How do you know where someone is spitting?  Spit aim is notoriously bad, so how do you decide what they were spit-aiming for?  Did they hit the official?  Did they hit Anthony Quinn?  Does that make a difference?  If there’s spit-trauma do they get a sterner punishment?  What if Anthony Quinn was being a bit of a wanker and totally deserved it?  (I love him but it’s entirely possible).  What if it was the same touchie who made the ridiculous Issac Luke 40-20 call?  Was there a second spitter?  Behind the bushes, on the gravelly road?  SO MANY QUESTIONS.

And more importantly, will that League HQ screencap be an exhibit in the hearing?  God I hope so.  I love how you can actually see the spit flying like a comet from his mouth.  I also hope there’s a whole video of the spit-incidents with a spotlight digitally added and an NRL official with a wooden pointer walking the panel through it moment by moment, tracing the path of the loogie and using trigonometry to thusly determine the target at which the spittle was aimed.

THAT IS ONE MAGIC LOOGIE.

THREE!


leaguehq.com.au

And making up the third bad boy of this post: Steve ‘Ray Warren’s Man’ Matai is also being sent to the Principal’s office.  This time for a high tackle, not for on-field hocking, if you were wondering.

Now I like to think I am in touch with the people of Errol, and I am sensing that the people don’t really care about that.  Instead, our readers look to Errol for the important developments in league, the major issues.  Issues like Steve Matai’s hair.

I like to think being in a professional football team is kinda like prison, and in all those hours when Des Hasler is giving them the silent treatment again and the boys have no pressing appointments to train or be weighed or eat protein bars or sit in ice baths they just loll around the Manly clubhouse plotting their escapes and braiding each other’s hair.

And they’re so creative!  Bless their little hearts.  I especially like this one with the perpendicular row down the middle.  Very … dinosaur, non?  I can’t wait till they get together to do Dave Williams’.  GOOD LUCK WITH THE BEARD, GUYS!

* It was in 2005, according to the Herald.