30 

exclusive errol semi-finals update: manly edition

September 25th, 2008

Judging by his awesome efforts the other day, it seems our little Lachie is turning into quite the photographer. And with Cameron ‘Lindy Chamberlain’ Smith and Sonny Bill Feelings dominating the papers we thought maybe it’s also a good time to get the focus back on … you know, footy.

Semi-finals week is finally here and we are all tres excited.  Only two teams we dislike left in the competition!  Wheee!

This weekend the Bearded Warriors take on the Sea Eagles, and yes, we will be there at the footy stadium, cheering on … well cheering on everyone.  We kinda love Manly and the Warriors, to be honest.  We are just that full of love.  Like Mother Theresa.  Or Jesus.

And with the recent run of Warriors form we are not at all certain who will take it out.  That’s why we sent little Lachie over the spit bridge to try and find out what’s happening in Camp Hasler and see if he can help us all out with our tips.

Looking over the negatives this morning, we realised Dessie, as always, is doing something secret and tricksy and Dessish. That’s why his hair is so big. It’s full of secrets.

I’ve heard it said that when your team has a week off during finals, with no game to fire them up, it’s easy for training to taper off in intensity, and the training routine to start to seem dull. Not for Dessie’s boys.

David ‘Hot Garbo’ Williams and Steve ‘high-pants’ Bell were sent to join the Dee Why garbos on their morning run before yesterday’s session. Lifting bins for strength work, chasing the truck for cardio, enduring the stench for team bonding. Unconventional and brilliant. And don’t the bitches look sharp in their council-issue vests? Sure it’s a little 2006 electro, but you can’t deny Des knows his fashionz.

Anthony Watmough was keen to work on his strength, so went the tried and tested Venice Beach route (midriff top and all) and spent the morning on weights.


Lookin sharp Watmough!

And the Beav. Oh Beaver, either you’re in the Dessy bad books or you drew the short straw. No one deserves to be sent to play over 30s mixed netball. I can’t decide whether that expression translates as ‘*$#%# netball’ or ‘eh? what is this contraption? I’m too old for this kind of malarky. Suyin, where are my stewed prunes?’

I’m gonna go with the second one. Because I don’t think the Beaver would swear. However, I do apparently think he talks like an elderly Jewish man now. WHATEVER.

GI Matt Ballin didn’t get sent anywhere, because quite simply, bitch didn’t need to. GI Ballin is trained to perform. SOLDIERS DON’T GET DISTRACTED, SIR! I LOVE TRAINING, SIR! PLEASE, SIR, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE?

… and we wish we could bring you some updates on Brett ‘the Snake’ Stewart, but sadly it seems he got lost mid-afternoon and never made it to training at all. If Mama Stewart is reading he’s currently at Register 3 Coles Manly waiting to be collected. He says his name is Brett, he is five, and he lives in a blue house in Sydney, the world, the universe.

Happy gambling!

 

All pics: Getty Images

7 

an overdue and underqualified recap: sea eagles vs titans

September 5th, 2008

I’m sure you’ve all been on the edge of your seats, eagerly waiting in antici…pation for more words from the mouths of footy babes (and I obviously don’t use that word in the “Jonathon Taylor Thomas is suuuuch a babe” way. I never could get on the JTT lovetrain btw). So here I am, the Newest Manly Fan, serving up observations on a game that, first of all, I had to watch online after John John ‘accidentally’ locked the Foxtel to Adults Only. Poor Lachie got the shock of his life when he tuned in for Meerkat Manor on Monday morn. Luckily we were still up drinking awake early enough to calm him down and read Where Did I Come From? from cover to cover.

And after all that the internets wouldn’t let me watch the second half, so not only am I a footy retard (but a FAST LEARNING and ENTHUSIASTIC retard, thank you), I’m also going on half a game here. It kind of reminds me of that scene in Nine Months where they go to see the obstetrician, but there’s a Russian Robin Williams filling in who can barely speak English and specialises in primates. I am the Russian Monkey Obstetrician of footy posts.

But that’s ok, because there’s only a few things we need to talk about.

The boys went all Where’s Wally on us


Apparently this was in honour of Steve ‘Beaver’ Menzies last home game, the red & white sockies representing his junior club. Because I saw the pics before the game, I was not aware of this. I just thought they were trying new fashionz. And I approve! They all looked so charming. Stripey socks add so much to the heinous predominantly maroon uniform. Someone organise for stripey socks to be warn at all times, toot sweet. Tee hee, toot.

The Hot Pioneer broke a face

We always knew Our Davey’s beard was luxurious – now we know it’s also made of STEEL. Or at least his chin is. There was BLOOD guys. And Dave was completely unharmed! He clearly has the best face protection system evs.

If I was slightly more insane, I’d say I almost sensed a hint of evil from the beard and that if it had hands, they would’ve been rubbing together with glee after that effort. The Beard Has Two Faces, for reals. It’s kind of like when you see a puppy and you’re all ‘awww who’s a cutie?’, next thing it’s attached to your Tencel jeans trying to bite through their silky soft 90′s goodness for a juicy chunk of skin. Honest to god, I haven’t pet a random dog in the street since. Unfort it didn’t stop me from wearing Tencel jeans for at least 4 more years.

Anyway, Davey’s face is lovely AND dangerous. A guy like youuu, should wear a warniiiiing.

Steve brought his lady and bb out

I’m sure ovaries and hearts all over the stadium exploded. And upon seeing these pics, YES EVEN MINE. God, you think you’ve whipped them into passivity and then this happens.


pics: SGT at ManlySeaEagles.com

I’m rather concerned about how the boys will go once Steve leaves to be honest. I mean that in terms of their emotional states and not, you know, their game playing. Who’s Matt Ballin gonna carpool with now? What if once Beaver is no longer part of the Manly clubhouse furniture it’s just like in Wet Hot American Summer where they all become smackies within like, an hour (I like to relate pretty much everything in real life to movies and tv, just by the way)? How will Des use the silent treatment on THAT shit?

Fiiiiight!

Well, at least we know the boys can hold their own should they end up on frequenting crack dens:

pic: SGT at ManlySeaEagles.com

pic: Craig Golding/LeagueHQ.com.au

I didn’t actually SEE this because it was in the second half, but I suspect it had something to do with the Oh Errol Awards. Guys, enough with the infighting. There’s enough of us to go around, k? Unfortunately not enough awards, but there’s always next year. If you build it, we will come (shut up John John).

So there you have it – belated In Depth coverage of a Monday game, on Friday. If there’s something Really Important that I’m missing, or you just want to tell me off for saying absolutely nothing about football, then leave a comment yo.

edit: wow, um, I can’t believe I didn’t mention that MANLY WON. Worst. fan. ever.

14 

an audience with the beav

August 22nd, 2008

KITTENS!  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?  THE NIGHT FINALLY CAME.  The Steven ‘Beaver’ Menzies Tribute Dinner.   A night that is Notable and Important if for no other reason than because opportunities as good as this for embarassing yourself in a spectacular fashion in front of favourite sportsmen or celebrities don’t come along very often and a bitch has to take advantage of them when they do.

And if Kiki’s blog didn’t fully explain how excited we were to ask the Beav for a hug (we did, and he obliged), I think I can sum it up by saying this: our girl Kiki was early.  

[Sitting by yourself all dolled up in a hotel lobby = hello I'm a prostitute! You guys couldnt get there soon enough - K]

I would also like to point out my mammoth effort to be there: I actually wore makeup and proper shoes.  HIGH HEELS, EVEN.  I HOPE YOU APPRECIATED IT BEAVER.  If that didn’t mean more to him than all the accolades from Arko and Gus then I wash my hands of him.

And when we trotted on into the dinner – a few shampoos under our belts for courage and fancy handbags under our arms (something about a Beaver dinner just said MONGRAMMED DIOR to us, you know?) – we weren’t disappointed.  Beaver!  Lyons!  Toovey!  Eagles Angels! Gouldy! Mini cheesecake! Free Beaver books!

Excuse me if I have to sit down for a moment.  I’m a tad overexcited.  Free stuff gets me that way.  (You know they say thriftiness is next to godliness.  Or something).

And I know how eager you have all been for updates, so shall we walk through it in point form?  We can pretend each one is one of the free CDs John Hopoate took home for his kids.  Score for the Hopoate family!

* First, I have to ask some Very Important Questions.

The singing.  This doesn’t happen very often, but I was kinda speechless for a moment when a live singer was ushered onto the stage to sing the national anthem.  Is this normal?  Really?  To have to stand up in your suits and cocktail dresses and sing for two minutes before you’re allowed to get your seafood entree?  Is it cause it’s a FOOTBALL dinner?  You have to sing the anthem as though you’re at a game? 

If there’s anything more awkward than that I have NO IDEA what it is.

On the other hand, I am ALL FOR the auction prizes.  One of which was a silver headgear.  Oh yes, a cast of the Beaver’s headgear in antique silver.  I am dead.  Dead from laughter.  If I had that I think my life would be complete.  I’d charge $5 a pop for people to come and see my antique silver footy headgear.  That kinda thing goes right into the pool room.

* We also have a few thanks to make:

To the crowd in general for kindly not lynching me or our BFF and newly-appointed Errol publicist Marlo when they found out we are Roosters supporters.  So welcoming!  WELU MANLY!

To Reg Reagan, for passing on the name of his VB suit tailor to me.  I am all over that idea.  And I have no doubt my employers will be all over me turning up in a red and green logoed pencil skirt suit.  Faaabulous, non?

To Anthony Watmough, for not clocking any of us when we announced to him that he had a TERRIBLE game last week.  We mean it with love.  

To David Williams, for not placing restraining orders on us when we explained to him in great detail that his brother is our oft-naked intern and we have made him our patron saint (complete with enthusiastic re-enactment of patron saint woodchopping pose).  Oh no, we’re not creepy at alllll. 

We would like to thank Dave for the numerous hugs also.  Bitch gives good cuddle.

[Also for letting me stroke his beard while I purred like a kitten - K]

* Apology notes of the e-variety go to:

Matt Ballin: we ill-advisedly pointed out to him that he is a lucky nominee this year for an Errol for hottest bitch in league.  Poor little kitten.  He was baffled, and slightly scared.  I could see in his eyes that he just really wanted Steven to hurry the fuck up so they could grab the car and head home (they carpooled! I am dead!)  Imagine if we’d spilled that he also personal trains us all, complete with excessive hamstring stretching.   He may have had a stroke.

Matty Johns: you looked terrified of us, but fear not.  We’re not court-order creep-into-your-house-while-you-sleep skin-suit crazy (we’re far too lazy for anything like that).  We’re just your garden variety drunken eccentrics who enjoy accosting strangers.  No need to spend any money on upping your personal security details just yet darlin.

[The Beav - Sorry for not only giving you an Errol card and yelling I'VE BEEN OBSESSED WITH YOU SINCE I WAS 14 then nuzzling your shoulder, but then coming back repeatedly to make sure you still had the card in your pocket. And making you show me before I would leave you alone. Sorry x 1000 - K]

Aww Kizzy.  I think if you can do that to anyone, surely it’s the beav?

* We also want to send some love to our most favouritest people of the night:

De Bortoli.  Naturally.  That was some heartwarming sparkling wine.  I am certain I drank more than my $250 dollars’ worth.  And the mild headache today is totally worth it.  I had a bacon and egg roll and it fixed me right up.

Cliff Lyons – still rocking that mo.  Why fix what ain’t broken?

Suyin - as if she wasn’t fabulous enough in her tasselled minidress, she interrupted Beaver’s heartfelt speech thanking her “… for six years of happiness” with “IT WAS SEVEN!” from the crowd.  Needless to say, we’re a little bit in love.  Also with Wendy Harmer.

And Alex ‘Big Al’ Ma, who completely won our hearts.  Surely he is the most dedicated Manly supporter a girl could ever meet - he never even misses an away game.  Not even in Auckland.  Going to New Zealand for a team you love?  Might as well chop off a leg!

What a legend.  Also hilarious and adorable.  We’re not surprised though, to be honest big Al.  Not now we’ve met your parents – who are equally fabulous (hi Al’s mum and dad!)

I especially enjoyed the look on your mama’s face when she asked if we were footy players girlfriends and we answered in unison GOOD GOD NO.

We don’t shag footy players!  We just mock them on the internets thankyouverymuch!

* Fear not, we didn’t disappoint in the embarassing stakes either, kiddies.  How could you think we ever would?  We are always vaguely drunk and inappropriate.  We like to think it’s part of our charm.  Eh, it helps us sleep at night.

Kiki fell on the forgiving Suyin in a spectacular fashion - exposing the mammoth ladder up the back of her stockings – then pleaded sobriety.  IT WAS THE SHOES!  No one ever believes that.  

[ It was godamnit!! I'm not used to wearing heels! I also told her I'm so glad the Beav didn't marry some heinous gold digger and now I can rest easy knowing my hero has found himself a good woman. She seemed pleased/slightly creeped out - K] 

Craig Hancock ruffled my fro and announced to probably every former Manly great in attendance that I feel like a sheep.  Special.

I attempted to walk through a window, thinking it was a door.  Worst of all, I hadn’t even had a drink at that stage.  And because we hadn’t made sufficient spectacles of ourselves between seven and midnight, Kiki and I ended the evening with an impromptu Penny Lane dance across the shiny white floors of the Sofitel foyer. Shoeless.

We listen to the wind, to the wind of our soulssssss ….

* And last, but most certainly not least - the highlight of my entire evening.  You thought it would be the Beav, didnt you?  Well he is unparalleled in his loveliness.  He also gives great hug.  And his speech did make me cry – twice. (But then Phil Gould also made me cry.  I think Nick the Greek sitting next to me may have laughed at my weeping, and I don’t really blame him.  I just have a lot of feelings).


Tyra would not be pleased with my fierce face. NOT ENOUGH NECK!

Well the honour goes to Billy Birmingham.  Sorry Beav.  You didn’t tell us we were FIERCE, but the twelfth man seems to think we are.

He said fierce?  Yes, yes he did.  Does that mean he watches America’s Next Top Model?  I like to think yes.  I like to think he follows the time old ritual of spending Tuesday night sitting on the couch with Sushi Train takeaway and a beer painting his nails and bitching about how fabulously delusional Tyra is and which of the competitors may or may not be a man. 

Everyone does that, right?

[Billy was the highlight of my night too. He enjoyed our story about ‘one time we had hot boys in our hotel room and we made them listen to Boned instead of making out’. He said THAT IS THE GREATEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD. We love you Billy! – K]

Thanks for the memories, Beav.  Kiss kiss.

 

30 

stalker! party of three!

August 5th, 2008

OH MY GAWWWWWWWD!1!11!!

I am so overwhelmed with joy right now I don’t even know where to begin. My fingers are paralysed with excitement and have almost forgotten how to do typey times. No cute little butterflies in Kiki’s tummy. Oh no. My stomach has been over taken by giant radioactive moths with the attitude of Samuel L Jackson in every movie he’s ever made. Motherfucker moths!

Thanks to The Newest Manly Fan Lozzy alerting us to the event, today Sassy, Marlo and I purchased tickets for his tres important and illustrious tribute dinner. ZOMG WE ARE REALLY GOING. As a trio we have already experienced much success socialising in the football sphere, and we hope to be just as personable this time around. We pray Gordon Tallis attends so we can do the Hustle again. Bitch has the moves.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Aaaaah, memories.

Sadly for all involved I think it’s a sit down dinner. I was hoping for a buffet. For two reasons….a)the endless amount of Beaver Buffet jokes to be made and b) so I could shoot the breeze with Alan Jones over the omelette station.

Oh god oh god oh GOD. Deepest apologies to Our Lord but I don’t know how to cope with such excitement without blaspheming constantly. Soz big guy! But you see, a lifelong dream of mine is about to come true. I am about to meet the Beaver.STEVE FREAKING MENZIES PEOPLE.

Okay readers, a bit of explanation is in order. We have indeed covered the ageless awesomeness that is The Beaver in previous posts, but I have yet to fully explain my obsession with him. It’s something so intrinsic to my Kikiness that I just couldn’t casually drop it into something as insignificant as a game recap. This shit needs it’s own post. Oh yeh, it’s that important.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Steve Menzies was my first Real Crush. The year was 1995 and I was 14 years old. At the time most teenage girls were obsessed with Devon Sawa and obsessively buying TV Hits for new posters of him. Not me. I was the weirdo clad in a blues jersey with Menzies across the back (thanks Peter Wynn!) scarily pestering the newsagent…HAS THE NEW RUGBY LEAGUE WEEK COME OUT YET…FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME!!

I don’t remember when I first started crushing on Steve. Obviously at some point I saw something in him and thought ‘this is the man for me’. Maybe it was the headgear. Or the fearless way he would run at the line and miraculously break through scoring a trillion tries a season. Regardless of its origins, my Steve Menzies crush personifies the mid 90s for me. Just for the record, unlike my slutty peers I was generally unimpressed by actual boys. I just wasn’t interested in ‘going for walks’ in the bushland during house parties. I’M WAITING FOR STEVE THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

(Obviously things changed once I discovered alcohol but lets leave that for another blog shall we?)

I still don’t know exactly what it is about Beaver that makes me go SQUEEEEEE. He just does. I can’t explain it and I think thats part of the joy. But oh, the drama. Teenaged me did not take kindly to anyone speaking ill of him in my presence. The amount of rubbish pick up I did at school directly related to Steve Menzies incidents is kind of shameful. However….I still maintain ‘accidentally’ pushing a boy down the stairs for saying Beaver is over rated is PERFECTLY REASONABLE. I mean broken ankles heal right?

And lets not even start on the Steve related fights I had with my mother. Unsuprisingly she wasn’t a massive fan of me permanently scarring the walls with Blutak with my myriad of Beaver posters. Bedroom okay, but Kiera do we really need them in the loungeroom? Errr yes mother we do. We also need them stuck to the windows so Beaver faces outwards into the street because our neighbours need to know how much he means to me.

On more than one occasion I remember storming out of the room crying I HATE YOU MUM!!! HE DOES NOT HAVE A BIG NOSE.ITS JUST PROMINENT!! *slams door*

As time progressed my crush dissipated into almost nothing but a sentimental ‘awww I used to love him!’ type deal. I thought this was the case until I ran a certain Mick Monaghan in a fine Manly establishment a few years ago. He announced that I had ‘schmick pins’ and ‘excellent definition in the calves’ (thanks Mick, it’s the pilates) and then casually I told him about my teenage Steve Menzies obsession. He responded by getting out his mobile and saying ‘hey look! I’ll call him now you can speak to him!’ then dialled his number.

I FROZE. My hands at my mouth, my eyes widened in terror. I think my knees even buckled. I CANT TALK TO HIM….WHAT WHAT WHAT….WHAT WOULD I SAY? OH MY GODGODGOSL;IHSFKHG!!! You know what they say about flight or fight? I chose flight. I turned on the spot and fleed to the safety of the bathroom (how very SBW of me). I’m fairly sure I stayed there for the next 20 minutes trying desperately to stop shaking. I spent the rest of the night trying to avoid Mick and his mobile of terror.

Suffice to say, my Steve Menzies crush is still very much in effect. If any of you are also attending the dinner, I’ll be the girl in the fetal position under the table.

14 

the weekend footy round-up: for people with lives

August 3rd, 2008

I have officially watched Too Much Footy this weekend. And it’s only Sunday. Good God. So there is pretty much no chance of me writing a coherent play-by-play recap of anything I’ve watched. My little pea brain just can’t hold that much information, you know?

I have just enough room for exactly one full 80 minutes of memory, and after that for everything that goes in something has to get the boot, and I’m just left with a memory trail that goes something like CASHMERE! … jerseys, scrum, hot bitch … THAT WAS A KNOCK ON! Which is totally normal brain function, right? I thought so.

 

Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?

 

But I’m also an optimist, so I’ll try and put all the word fragments back together for you, and if this works we should end up with a summary of everything vital you missed in the last five games, with none of the boring stuff. Either that or – by sheer coincidence – the full original text of Shakespeare’s As You Like It. Let’s find out.


Not the face!

Manly Sea Eagles vs Penrith Panthers – The Epic Drama

There was love, there was lust, there were heroes, there was tragedy.

The game started with a whole set of lingering close ups of David ‘Ned Kelly’ Williams. Either channel nine has been reading Errol and decided to give the punters what they want, or they have hired a new homo cameraman with excellent taste. Either way, I approve.

I’m not so keen on the commentary that goes with it though, because Matty Johns quite clearly is seriously in manlust with ‘The Wolfman’ and it makes me slightly uncomfortable. He makes this blog look chaste and reserved by comparison. SHOOSH ALREADY MATTY! Just be quiet please and go back to making your collage of ‘things that remind you of David Williams’. Make sure you include that bamboo placemat you found at Freedom last week. Mmmmm smells like beard.

I am also so impressed that Ned Kelly is now completely committed to the beard. Wanna know how I know? He’s shaved around the neck. That’s right. It’s not a joke anymore, kids. It’s a Trademark (TM). (If you’re wondering he was also having an excellent hair day. Great definition in the curl. Have you started using product, Mr. Williams?)

In other vitally important football hair news, it seems Steve Matai now has cornrows. Really, Matai? Cornrows? I don’t know what to say. What I do know is that it’s not 1995 and you’re not in Bali. Think about THAT.

When he walked on field Ray Warren actually commented on the ‘”rows of corn” Matai is sporting’ and I think that if Rabs knows what the word ‘cornrows’ means, then cornrows are no longer cool.

QED. Full marks for me.

I actually think Gus Gould and Rabs as a duo have gotten even crazier in the last seven days. I didn’t think it was possible. I like it. I can’t decide whether I loved it more when they quarrelled about how much Rabs loves Steve Matai (Gus: And your man Matai tries to convert … Rabs: He is not MY MAN MATAI. I do not OWN Steve Matai), or quarrelled about the age at which they stop giving players oranges at halftime.

Rabs: Do you WANT oranges? Hmmm? Because I will go and GET you some navals.

I can’t wait till they allow gay marriage in Australia and those two can officially settle down. It’s never too late for love, boys!

The game also proved that cornrows do not constitute a form of head protection when Cornrows Matai and teammate Luke Williamson pushed in for a try on Luke Lewis. In the process Matai and Lewis butted heads and the results were not pretty. Williamson ended up in the middle of a creepy, blood-soaked NRL tableau, with collapsed Matai on his left hip, and bleeding Luke Lewis lying to his right with his head cradled in Williamson’s knee like a unicorn being tamed by a virgin.

I’m not going to lie, it was weird. Poor little Williamson, sitting bolt upright in between two bleeders, kinda gingerly patting Luke Lewis’ hair and making an awkward face that says HE’S NOT EVEN REALLY ON MY TEAM. DO I HAVE TO BE NICE TO HIM? YOU GUYS?

And then more tragedy … Steve Matai sort of made me like him. Even with the cornrows! Don’t you dare tell anyone. Once they patched up his bleeding skull, put a headgear in his hand, and send him back to the sideline, that crafty bitch won me right over with his vanity. He stood there in limbo for aaages, half putting the headgear on and laughing with embarassment.

I CAN’T GO OUT THERE IN THIS THING. THERE ARE CAMERAS! PEOPLE WILL LAUGH!

.. and then he didn’t. Seriously, that was it. We didn’t see him for the rest of the match. Matai had a tanty and refused to go back on looking ridiculous and left David Williams to take over the goal kicking with his patented brand of talking-to-himself crazy before every goal.

Note to the video ref in this match: I can’t BELIEVE you went ref’s call on that Brett Stewart try. At the very least you could have given him Benefit of the Doubt. I mean, dammit, the kid has DIABETES. Is there not some kind of BENEFIT OF DIABETES try rule??

And, lastly, saddest of all: Menzies. Oh, Menzies. Still brilliant with the ball. A fearless statesman of league, a vision in headgear. But, like Penrith’s own Danny Glover – Rhys Wesser – Menzies’ legs ain’t what they used to be. When he broke down the right hand side with a clear 70 metres between him and the try line, there was no cry from the commentary box of ‘JUGGERNAUT’. There were forty great metres, then an offload and a tackle. It makes me sad. I think it made him sad too. It seems relentless time has worn upon the demi-God of football as it wears upon us mortals. Manly won 30-10, but it still feels like the end of an era.

Gold Coast Titans vs Melbourne Storm – The Grind

God damn was this a depressing game. Melbourne won. The Titans were ground up like tiny sad little peppercorns. No one was surprised. Cameron Smith apparently shaved but still had a grey beardshadow. Now he is a wolfman. Israel Folau did amazing things and is still a Mormon. Matt Geyer is still bald. The Titans (even the ones who aren’t injured) are still totally sick of life. Scott Prince was petrified with cold on the sidelines like one of those caveman corpses they recover from glaciers. I seriously think his hands might have been fused together with frostbite.

I can’t even talk about it anymore. 44-4.

Cronulla Sharks vs St George Illawarra Dragons – The Battle of Captain Cook Drive

Now this game was Real Football. It was intense. Like grabbing-someone’s-arm, have-to-see-how-it-ends football. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen Matt Cooper look so intense. At the end of the game he even made an emotion. In his face and everything!

Pie-eating Greg Bird was so focussed in his return game that he didn’t cry once. Hornbag was possibly the angriest I’ve ever seen him. I checked with my pants and they agree.

It was also alllll yours St George, but towards the end I think you lost focus, and the Sharks didn’t. I’m sorry boys, but it’s true. I definitely don’t think they have more heart, but I think they showed more on the field. I will say though that this was a war of attrition, and you Dragons boys took it really hard.

Brett Morris was taken off with an injured shoulder. Justin Poore with a dislocated knee. I felt like there needed to be a halftime armistice for you to gather up the fallen before the battle began again. There’s something that toubles me about you Dragons though, and it needs to be said: the head-shaving. Please explain. If I was extending the war metaphor I would say that, as armies go, you look more like an Aryan Brotherhood militia than anything else. Is this your doing, Hornbag? Do you want everyone to look neat and practical like you?

Even Dan Hunt and Justin Poore were sporting newly shaven cue balls last night. Not to mention you Hornbag, Matt Cooper, Jamie Soward, Dean Young and at least one Morris twin (with the other twin’s hair also getting progressively shorter). Or wait a second – IS THIS BROWNIE’S DOING? Does Intern Brownie shave all your heads before each game so you all match his hairdo? I am absolutely appalled Brownie. Did you even think about me and how much I love a good head of hair? Hmmmm? I am shocked by your selfishness.

You Dragons have a long way too go before you look as military as Luke Covell though. He is tres jarhead. The hair, the American jaw, the glassy quality in his eyes. (Which is also why I’m not keen to say a word against him. Well done on your win, scary Luke Covell! Please don’t finish me off with friendly fire!)

Oh yeah, Flossy Nightingale also got dakked. Big time. I only like clothes- on- Flossy, but Kiki DEMANDED we post the photos, because and I quote ‘thats what the punters expect from Errol Sassy….bare arse.’

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs New Zealand Warriors – The *****

Okay FINE I didn’t really watch this. Don’t judge me. I’m not even going to pretend that I care. The Rabbitohs won.

PS Hi Russell Crowe!

Sydney Roosters vs North Queensland Cowboys – THOSE BOYS NEED THERAPY

Do you know what this game was full of? (Apart from the Roosters being distracted and making me worry about whether they are psychologically prepared for the focus and discipline required to win consistently in a professional sport).

It was full of my favourite rule. I’ve said in the past how much I love Benefit of the Doubt, and yes I still love you Benny. You are very sweet and very supportive. But this new rule? Well, it just makes me laugh. And that’s so very important in a relationship.

If you don’t follow league you won’t know that packing a scrum when one is called stops the clock. So a team that’s despy for more time will, as soon as the ref calls for a scrum, sprint to the location, and DIVE into one as fast as is humanly possible. Except because the other team doesn’t give a shit, it’s just five men with their heads between each other’s arses standing in a triangle packing a scrum against thin air. It is HILARIOUS. I adore it. More of that please! And if you want more people to watch rugby league, you could liven it up a bit. Maybe give them extra points if they can manage to make a pyramid? I’d pay to watch that.

This game was amazing in that it also managed to distract me from the hotness that is JohnJohn Williams. (Note to John – I see you shaved off the beard! Thank God! I’m so glad you read Errol and listen to our suggestions).

Because out of nowhere my Chooks have suddenly become the whoriest team in the league. When did this happen? I have no idea. Those uniforms were not regulation, I’ll tell you now. They were twice as tight around the guns, a good 5 cm shorter in the shorts, and I love it. GOOD WORK ROOSTERS DESIGN TEAM.

My personal highlight was when the Mayan King Soliola actually rolled up his sleeves for most of the first half. Weren’t they whorey enough for you, baby? Wanted to flash a little more bicep? My only regret is that I can’t find a picture anywhere on the internets of Brent Grose in his painted-on jersey. Bitch did not get that in the adult section of the Roosters store, that is for sure. It was an XS outfit on an M man. I don’t think he could even lift his arms. Which would also explain a bomb he missed, now I think of it.

Luke O’Donnell tried so hard, but just couldn’t compete for attention. Not even with a midriff-flash. And despite the Rooster’s strange success complex that means they can’t play well unless they’re underdogs, they managed to win the game. Or rather, not lose it. I think it was the shorty-shorts. Helps em run faster. Makes em feel pretty, too.

And to finish I would like to point out that since Sonny Bill fled the country, I think Willie Mason has finally realised they’re never getting back together, and moved on and found someone else. And do you know what? GOOD FOR YOU BB. It’s healthy! I know you loved him, but you can’t pine forever.  I think it’s lovely.

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(very late) footy observations of the week

July 18th, 2008

So Kiki and I have just finished our weekly game of texas hold’em to decide who gets to write up the footy observations of the week … and it looks like I won. Sorry it’s a little bit late, but to be honest we don’t really know how to play poker and that makes things a bit tricky. Mainly we just drink and make jokes about Queens. Anyway.  On to the footy!

Brett Hodgson and Anthony Quinn have both left the field

Starlight Hodgson played his last ever game at Campbelltown Oval against the Storm on Monday night, and I will try not to make any Starlight Foundation jokes today, because I want you to think I’m classy. (You know, cause he always looks like he’s just managing to beat back death in the form of a terminal illness? And is all grey-coloured and stuff? You know?? Never mind).

Starlight Bretty didn’t quite manage to pull off the fairytale and win his last match at the ground, but he also wasn’t the only one who had an undignified exit from the field. Little Anthony Quinn from the Storm was involved in a fairly intense collision. Specifically, a collision between his face and what I think was Ben Teo’s shoulder … and the results were not pretty. It wasn’t so much a trip to Disneyland as a full package tour to Euro-Disney. Daaaamn. I think his nose may have been two dimensional afterwards.

But since his teammate Brett White is also struggling with a back injury, maybe the two can nurse each other back to health? I know you want to boys.


Awwwww.

Beaver and Ned Kelly

We’ve all also been busy this week dealing with the trauma of losing Mark Gasnier to French Rugby Union, but it seems like the footy abandonment isn’t stopping, because our beloved Steve Menzies announced on the Footy Show that he’ll be leaving to play Super League in England in 2009. Not Beaver!

Kiki spent a good part of her adolescence obsessed with Beaver, and considering I spend precious hours of my life photoshopping sepia pics of Beaver for this blog, I think you all know how I feel about him. He is lovely. In fact, Corporal Menzies of the Light Brigade is probably one of the true gentlemen of league.

So basically this is heartbreaking news. Who am I going to make WWI references about now? Who is Ray Warren going to call EVERGREEN and a JUGGERNAUT? It feels a bit like the end of my youth.

But even though I’ll miss him like crazy, the one bright spot is that his announcement got him onto the Footy Show with that hot bearded bitch David Williams. My pants! They can’t handle it!

I was overwhelmed with joy at the awesomeness of seeing Beaver and Ned Kelly at the one desk. I actually may have swooned. Especially now that I know for certain what I always suspected: that Ned Kelly has that massive gold-prospecting beard because he Just Can’t be Bothered. I love a hot man that doesn’t give a shit. Next to a hot man with low standards, it’s my favourite kind of man. And if the Footy Show goes through with their threat to give our hot bitch Williams a makeover and shave it off I am letting you all know now I will cut a bitch. I love that crazy beard.


Beaver also made me love him even more than before by having an awesome wife and possibly the fattest baby in the world. If you’re reading Menzieses … adopt me?

The rest of the show was apparently ‘Ladies’ Night’ and involved heinous and boring things like Bryan McFadden. Is that really what they think women want to see on television? His songs are completely and utterly awful. How about we just don’t talk about it and move right onto my favourite half-Islander odd couple.

Willie 4 Sonny Bill 4eva

This week Rugby League Weekly published the annual players’ poll, which says (pretty overwhelmingly) that they think Big Willie Mason is the most overrated player in the game. And while I love Big Willie like a sister, it’s kinda true. Not because he’s a terrible player. More because bitch can’t keep his mouth shut about how fierce he is and is basically a menace to himself and to others.

Boring news, right?

But do you know who defended him? His old Bulldogs BFF Sonny Bill Feelings.

I KNEW IT. EVEN AFTER THEIR HUGE FALLING OUT. I KNEW THOSE CRAZY KIDS STILL SECRETLY LOVED EACH OTHER!

Ok clearly I’m a bit emotional about this. What can I say? I love love! And because I can’t get manage to get anything comprehensible out without USING EXCESSIVE CAPS, I’m just going to present my feelings in video form. Thanks to Kiki for the killer songchoice. Enjoy!

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friday night recap: sea eagles vs titans

July 5th, 2008

The Calf-Blood Princes* have travelled up from Manly to play the Gold Coast Titans in Queensland and I’m watching it because I know from my over-the-shoulder glances in the pub on Friday night that it was a cracker of a game, but I am also totally surly about it because my favourite Titan won’t be there. Prince Scotty the Caramel was – of course – injured in the Origin decider on Wednesday. Now he has a broken arm to match two past broken legs and it’s clearer than ever that while boy might be a marvel on the field he also has bones of glass. If they can inject muscles with calf-blood down in Manly is it really that difficult to pop a few calcium supplements in Caramel Scotty’s Gatorade? Really?

Sigh. I’m going to miss our little Prince. I will try and care about the Titans without him, but I can’t make any promises.

Events are dramatical from the outset, with the Titans looming with a kick near the tryline on the left hand side, and losing it equally quickly when Ben Jeffery pops a pass to Luke O’Dwyer who is so surprised he drops the ball. Aw honey, don’t worry! They’re in it again immediately with Anthony Laffranchi snapping up the ball and nipping through a gap in defence for a charging try.

If I may, Mr. Laffranchi, I would like to know where the hell this form was on Origin night. Hmmmm? You perverse bastard. That was a classy try, and as a Blues fan I resent it. Mark Minichiello sees the score sitting at 6-0 for his team and decides this is far too comfortable, handing the ball back to the Sea Eagles with a truly gigantic knock on. Clearly Minichiello does nothing on a small scale. He is hands down the largest Italian I have ever seen. He is a man-mountain. If he was back in Campania surely he would be a star attraction for the other tiny Italians. Possibly lifting up men while they sit on benches as a show of his superior strength.

Steve Matai is injured in a tackle and sent back to the dressing room coughing up blood and with a bruised lung and I’m totally grossed out.  Also, confused that they use cling wrap on this injury.  It’s hard to imagine NURSE, PASS ME THE GLAD.

The Calf-Blood Princes seize on possession and rustle up some lovely plays on the right hand wing, some beautiful plays on the left, and wangle their way to another set of six tackles. Good work little Brett Stewart! (Although once I question Laffranchi after this game you, my son, will be next. I don’t think I even saw you with the ball on Wednesday night. Remember that). Right again for a just-not-quite attempted try by that hot bearded bitch David Williams. Left again, right again, and Steve Bell dives over the tryline trailing Nathan Friend and miscellaneous Titans from his jersey. Nathan Friend is oddly lovable in general, but tonight he has on a special baby pink headgear to show support for breast cancer research and my heart is full. I would like to see more pastel headgear in rugby league in future. Plus he’s just so tiny. He’s a pocket hooker!

I have no idea whether the ball ever hit the ground but the ref says yes and Itty Bitty Matt Orford makes the kick for a 6-6 score. I’m cool with that, because – I know you were wondering – I’m totally barracking for Manly tonight. Usually I am violently opposed to anything involving the colour maroon but I love Steve Menzies like you wouldn’t believe so Manly it is. He’s just so … manly. In that old-fashioned, 1900s, leaving the farm to sign up for World War I, because ‘… reckon that’ll be a laugh, right boys?’ way. You know?

I have also never ever heard a single bad word about him, and considering what tragic gossips league boys are, I’m pretty sure that makes him Jesus in headgear. I also cannot remember a time when I watched football and he wasn’t playing for Manly, so he may also be undead. Just sayin.

Oh, Steven.

Ray Warren announces that Menzies is ‘Mr. Kewl’. Phil Gould announces “my god this is a magnificent stadium”. One of these things is true. Guess which one. Maybe take a look back at that picture of Menzies before you answer. The two old women are certainly in fine form tonight and I love it. They are basically Kiki’s and my future right there in man form. Sitting in their arm chairs, squabbling about video referee decisions and whether it is acceptable for Phil Gould to leave his seat in the commentary booth to grab a biscuit or whether this is only allowed when the product is a sponsor of the show.  Amazing. 

Adam Cuthbertson lumbers across the field and we have another unexpected entry in the race to win Fattest Man in League 2008. This competition is really heating up. There is a slew of knock ons from all and sundry. Manly send an enormous kick across field and while Corporal Menzies of the Light Horse trips and misses, David Williams leaps for the football and barely misses out on another try.

In fact, Steve Bell from Manly is also looking particularly bearded and Bushrangerish at the moment. Between those two and Menzies, Manly are definitely shaping up as the most retro team in the league. I approve.

[I have a SERIOUS thing for Steve Bell. He makes me tingly in bad places. He's kind of balding, is a Queenslander and plays for Manly so why do I want to lick his tummy so bad? - Kiki]

Michael Hodgson sends Manly winger Michael Robertson off on a little Disneyland sortie with a huge shoulder, and the Titans attack with some fabulous Mat Rogers dummies until lil Luke O’Dwyer forgets about holding onto the ball again. He just does not win at life today. Well a lot of people don’t, I suppose, because there are lost footballs and knock ons as far as the eye can see. This is such a scrappy game and I love it. I think the anarchy is the sign of lots of risk taking and ball movement. Thumbs up. Ooh, and a double knock on. Amazing.

Tinyman Orford magics a break and an offload to Corporal Menzies for a lovely jump and try on the right hand side of the field. Now this is football! Gould says he’s too excited to sit down. Why couldn’t we have Menzies in the team for Origin? So what if he’s retiring. I know he’s a thousand years old but I care not for numbers. Bitch is evergreen! MENZIES FOR ORIGIN.

Tinyman coverts. 12-6 Calf-Blood Princes.

Preston Campbell makes a leap across field that comes nowhere near the ball he was aiming for. Gouldy supposes he misread the windsock. Bless. Rabs calls Jamie Lyon a man of steel. I think that only works if by ‘steel’, you mean ‘not steel’. And that just about sends us into halftime.

David Williams, you do us proud. Just moments into the second half, Ned Kelly catches a long kick in goal, and runs it out into play. When Mat Rogers fells him in a tackle he plays the ball and shows admirable flexibility with a nifty downward dog before staggering into goal. So noble! Sacrificing a good twenty thousand brain cells to let his team keep running downfield.

The Titans run a lovely decoy player and Friend the pockethooker passes to Davies for a try. A conversion evens the score at 12-12. Interference with the play the ball earns the Sea Eagles a penalty and Mat Rogers brings the score to 14-12. Go you calf-blood princes.

Teenyman Orford one then proceeds to set up a Jamie Lyon try. 16-14.

Ned Kelly makes an amazing break, sprinting for the tryline, grinning wildly, pursued for the full 90 metres by pockethooker Nathan Friend like an Irish Setter pursued by a Pomeranian. It’s magic. Matty Johns yells ‘look at him howling at the moon!’ and hotbitch Kelly grounds a try. David Williams, you can howl at my moon anyday. I don’t know that means exactly, but you can be sure it’s dirty.

His bushranging partner Steve Bell and fellow Hills boy Heath L’Estrange run in for man cuddles. Hills district represent!

Conversion: 22-14.

Flash to a Manly supporter in the crowd holding a sign that reads:

I’m totally making one for the next Roosters game. Big Mini goes down badly in a tackle, injuring his leg, and roaming the field for a while lumbering like Frankenstein.

Corporal Menzies breaks to send flying Brett Stewart in for another length-of-the-field try. Conversion! So much excitement! Steve Menzies is Jesus in headgear!

30-14.

A lad in the crowd obviously agrees with me, because he’s holding up a giant sign that reads I HEART BEVER.

And in case a 16 point lead isn’t crushing enough, right on the full time buzzer, the ball runs through Lyon’s hands to Orford, directly backwards to little flying Stewart and in for a try. Conversion.

34-14 Sea Eagles. Orford dances for joy. Stewart is standing in a circle of Manly players re-enacting the final try with his hands and I die of cute. I don’t even smoke but I kinda need a cigarette.

* TM Kiki.

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