That’s right. Eurovision night. I know Australia gets it a night late … but god isn’t it worth it? I pity the nations of the world that don’t get Eurovision on during prime time. To be honest there is far too much awesome in two hours of Eurovision to be included in one post, but I shall try.
is last year’s winner. She appears to be some kind of Serbian Ellen de Generes and opens the show with some song and dance involving women dressed as brides. I like to think it’s a statement on gay marriage, and therefore say more power to her.
And we’re off! Thankfully this year SBS have edited out all the bits that involve the Serbian commentators, because their voices burn my brain, and kept all the bits of the legendary Sir Terry Wogan commentating and being brilliant.
For possibly the first time ever there is a LEGITIMATELY GOOD entry in Eurovision. It’s so fucking weird. This fierce pom dances and sings to a 70s funk-soul extravaganza in a glitter suit on a multi-coloured disco stage. It makes my feet happy, and obviously there is no way in hell that he will ever win.
These three women all performed (I think) for three different countries. My eyes tell me they’re all the same person though, so I dunno. The one thing I know for sure is that they all had tasselled minidresses and at least four fabulous male back-up dancers and this makes me hopeful that maybe 2008 will be the Campest Eurovision Ever. Hurrah!
The Israeli Usher performs wearing a foiled silver vest with five fierce back up singers. (re: Camp, clearly I’m not wrong yet!)
Still not wrong! Sup Azerbaijan! This year is so drag, I love it.
Next comes a fat Turkish woman (there’s one every year) but I so can’t be bothered finding a pic.
Latvia comes on stage … and I cry tears of joy. Five old boilers in pirate suits sing to a song called ‘Wolves of the Sea’ with lyrics like ‘yo ho ho!’ and ‘ohhhh Jolly Roger!’ Amazing.
To be completely honest there are kind of a lot of old boilers in Eurovision, which is weird, because usually the pop music is all about the young people, right? Maybe it’s only the people who don’t have legitimate careers who try out to be national entries in Eurovision (surely that can’t be true!) Maybe it just takes a lot of years, a lot of living, and a lot of tanning to perfect the kind of skills that get you to the top in this arena. Who can say?
Speaking of boilers – oh hay Dina Lohan!
Oh Finland you hot bitches. If I didn’t have Sir Terry Wogan’s soothing tones washing over me right now I may implode from lust. While the rest of the Scandinavian countries all sit somewhere on a scale between ‘ridiculously cool’ and ‘clappy-clappy ABBA’, Finland exist in a weird parallel universe where everything is death metal, shirtlessness is acceptable, and leather flares are cool. They have a giant papier mache spiked club on stage with them as a prop, and I think that explains it all, really. If they’ve ever shown Spinal Tapp in Finland, I’m fairly certain they thought it was a documentary.
Wait, scratch that bit about me being an authority on Scandos. I have no idea how to explain this:
This is Sweden. Surely it’s a trannie. Isn’t it? A really hot trannie? Where does that fit in with ABBA? Jesus I’m so confused. Let’s move onto the indisputably awesome Denmark. Needless to say they sit on the cool end of the Scando-spectrum.
BEST OUTFIT EVER!
Totally adorable. Plus, little Simon Two-first-names from Denmark sings a little ditty called ‘All Night Long’. It’s not a patch on the Lionel Richie song of the same name, but nonetheless I end up singing along. Adorable in so many ways.
And before I get to my personal favourite, I’m not even going to get into the judging. It’s a total rort. All the Balkans vote for each other, because even though they spend the other 364 days of the year trying to shoot at each other and steal each other’s land, they still like each other more than they like the rest of Europe. All the Scandos vote for each other because they know they’re the shit.
Everyone votes for Ukraine because they don’t want to provoke them into stealing the gas from the gas-pipe again. Everyone votes for some shit act with a hot young girl shaking like Shakira (this year, it’s Greece).
No one votes for the UK because the UK has at some point conquered or invaded every other nation in Europe. That kind of thing tends to stick in the memory, I guess. Terry Wogan also tells me this year everyone will vote for Russia due to politics or something, and he is always right.
The only bit of the judging worth watching is all the crazy Albanian and Moldovan TV hosts smarming Welcome from Belgraddde! We love this year’s Eurovision so wonderful yesssss thankyou me. This year I especially love the Portugese correspondent who seems to be heavily sedated.
But if I was in charge, the winner with daylight behind would be France.
Oh, France! Will your fabulosity never end? A skinny Har Mar Superstar in sunnies riding a golfcart, backed up by five singers in fake beards, singing the happiest song to ever be sung on a stage on Earth. Spain tried to be quirky earlier in the night, but pretty much no other nation in Europe can pull off quirky but France. It really doesn’t get any better than this. Just watch, and enjoy:
Edit: Oh yeah, and Russia wins. WHATEVS. It’s no France.
* Direct quote from the Belgrade host. Oh yeah, I love non-native english speakers.