errol’s 12 days of christmas : day eleven

December 24th, 2010

Greetings friends! Yes I kinda sorta missed 4 days in the Chrissie blog plan. Life got in the way and has left me facing Christmas as a huge sad panda. Booooo. But to my delight, AFL has delivered a delightful Christmas present for me in the form of their wang-exposing photo scandal.

I’m a living breathing example of schadenfreude. As a code, I really dislike AFL so this whole drama is just delicious for me. And with all the Serious Litigation, the carefully worded public statements … it’s all so perfectly-organised! Bitches are like Scientologists! I’m worried I’ll start being tailed by a black SUV, my phone will be tapped and Tom Cruise and Andrew Demetriou will magically appear at my door and start issuing veiled threats.

Meanwhile there were some epic lolz provided by this guy, an AFL fan who said we are ‘everything that’s wrong with women and sport’. AWESOME. Almost as good as that time we upset cricket nerds by blogging at Cricket Australia and subsequently ‘ruined cricket’. Good times.

Now, on with the Christmas post.

On the eleventh day of Christmas

Oh Errol gave to me

Footy players trying to model (volume 2)

Now you’ve already seen and heartily loled at volume one. If you haven’t go and read that hilarious shit NOW. For today’s blog I will be demonstrating the following theory- if there’s anything funnier than footy players trying to model, it’s footy players trying to be sexy while trying to model at the same time. HELLO AWKWARD.

Let’s have a look at my favourite sub category in awkward modelling : Naked Footy Players Holding Objects In Front Of Their Crotch. Behold, the hilarity!

Nips Farah cares not for occupational health and safety laws whilst renovating his new duplex.

Tom Learoyd-Lahrs finds riding jodphurs too binding.

This is not what Sandor Earl had in mind when he joined a chain gang.

Beau Ryan shows little respect for his 2010 Best and Fairest award.

Ben Ross finds a novel use for plastic topiary.

Hot damn, don’t footy players love some pube trimming? It’s a wonder they even get time to train. Methinks the boys above will be hoping Santa delivers some whizz bang hair clippers tonight.


errol pick’n’mix: the best thing about pre-season is the kayaking

December 9th, 2010

Have things been a little quiet around here? Not gonna lie, totally our fault. We’ve been busier than an *insert old man Aussie metaphor about flies or paper-hangers or something here*

But thankfully this week footy made a triumphant return (of sorts) into our lives: we hit up the NRL One Community Christmas party to at least get a little bit of an NRL fix. The party is basically a period of three awesome hours where a whole bunch of special kids and a handful of players from each of the Sydney clubs turn up to sit at kid-sized tables, probably share their opinions on the wikileaks scandal, eat kid-sized sandwiches, then play some mothereffin ten pin bowling.

Why is seeing footy players do non-footy activities so inherently hilarious? Because the second we saw Kade Snowden put his bowling shoes on we lost it.

But even while we’ve been slack with our writing, we haven’t stopped being inherently embarassing. We’re still us.

We arrived at the party in Christmas crowns and reindeer ears then proceeded to asked David Gallop what he wanted for Christmas and show Roy Asotasi photos of Kiki and her flattie Yasmin’s pet bunny … Roy Asotasi.

The resemblance is uncanny.

His first question was: “Why is he so … ginger?”

It’s a good question, Roy. And to be honest, I don’t have a good answer for you. I suspect it’s because none of us felt sure that it wasn’t kind of politically awkward, frankly, to ring up a bunny breeder and ask for a brown-coloured bunny so the girls could name it after a New Zealander with Samoan heritage. Is it? Who knows.

The bottom line is that Roy is a pretty little ginger, and Preston Campbell the bunny is a giant brown bunny that seriously dwarfs bunny-Roy.

To this, Roy said that he hopes Roy makes up for his small stature by being awesome.

And you also don’t have to worry, while we’ve been slack with our writing, we also haven’t gotten any more functional. Yesterday I left the Christmas party, realised I lost my parking validation ticket, had to pay a $40 lost fee, and was comforted by a nice old passing Hungarian man.

Looking back, maybe this is why I was subconsciously distracted and knocked a giant two-armed monitor stand of a desk as soon as I arrived in the building, then had to climb under a desk to attempt to reattach it while relative strangers held the monitors still. Sorry for wearing a skirt that day, y’all.

I also realise, looking back, that a flippy little floral skirt was a bad choice on one of the windiest days in history. Apologies to the people of Pyrmont to whom I showed my undies at least nine times.

I like to think I make up for all these mishaps by being awesome, like Roy Asotasi the bunny.

And while we were busy watching Anthony Watmough bowl like a professional (seriously, he’s really good) and the Tigers players eat all the sandwiches, the clubs have been busy with the start of pre-season training. Pre-season training is such a beautiful phrase. For one thing, it means it’s ALMOST FOOTY TIME AGAIN.

It also means it’s time for the annual NRL rookie camp, where they teach young boys how to play footy or be men … or something. We’re not really sure, and maybe we don’t want to know. All we really need to know is that it involves instructional powerpoint presentations like this:

At least, that’s what they did back in 2008. Maybe they don’t use the WHY TALENT IS NEVER ENOUGH … EVER slide anymore. Maybe the curriculum’s changed by now, and they have powerpoint slides telling the boys YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A GIRLFRIEND or YOU LOOK FAT IN THOSE PANTS. It’s just all about building confidence, you know?

But maybe best of all, this is the time of year when they make footy teams do embarassing things as a group all in the name of team bonding.

Pic. Gregg Porteous via News Limited

Well of course that’s Jamal Idris in an abseiling helmet. Of course it is. Because the Bulldogs were sent to Wombaroo to get their bond on. I totally went there for year six camp. I wonder if they had to spend a night out camping in tents and cook pasta with tinned tuna on a camp stove?

One things for sure, footy players always have to get in kayaks. It’s just maths:

2 men that weigh 100kgs + 1 flimsy plastic vessel designed for children = instant lolz.

Pic. Gregg Porteous via News Limited

Ahoy there Bryson Goodwin! Looking sharp.

Pic. Gregg Porteous via News Limited

That photo of Ben Barba is slightly less hilarious because it really freaks me out that the kayak behind is empty. Is anyone else getting some serious ‘The River Wild’ kinda flashbacks? Did Kevin Bacon kill the rest of the Bulldogs because they refused to lend him their rafting skills to escape from the law?

And in Canberra, Raiders management timed their comical bonding activites perfectly so Tommy Learoyd-Lahrs could do them with a moustache. Bravo, Canberra. Bravo.

Whenever I feel sad I’m gonng look at that picture and remember the fact that Dave Shilington and Brett White had to row a kayak together. Also, that Tommy LL gave a completely serious interview about how well he did in the flag-race.

Learoyd-Lahrs, though, wasn’t contemplating a switch to the Ironman circuit anytime soon.

”There wasn’t any great speed reached there,” he said.

”If you timed us with a sun dial it probably would’ve stopped.”

Footy, we miss you too, too much.


end of season observations: boobs, dudes and awkwardness

October 6th, 2010


October is breast cancer awareness month. If you love boobs, or women, or puppies, or health, or sunshine, or rainbows, then you will want to do something, show your support, and maybe rustle up a few dollars for the cause. One of the best ways is to visit the McGrath Foundation website. They work to try and reach Jane McGrath’s dream of placing breast care nurses in communities all over Australia, and to make sure women know how to look after their own health. Funnily enough, they’re also partners for the NRL One Community Women in League program. THEY DO SO MUCH GOOD STUFF. Go! Help!

It’s okay, I’ll wait.

In other vitally important news and current affairs, people have complained about the entertainment at the Grand Final. It’s kind of comforting, really. Like Christmas! You always know it’s coming. Complaints include “who is this young person’s hippity-hop crew? I care not for them!”, “that young woman’s pants are too tight!” and  “all this jumping around is like a Nathan Blacklock tribute show!”

And if I can paraphrase, Steve Mascord’s response was pretty much this miming shit is embarassing.

We shouldn’t comment on entertainment value, cause personally, we think nothing will ever be as good as the year they flew in Jimmy Barnes in a helicopter. Now that’s entertainment. But what I can say is that one half of You Am I’s performance made me feel … awkward.

That look on Obama’s face? That was me.

In the year of the Timana Tahu racism scandal did we really have to pick Brown Sugar as the entertainment? The one about how black people are better dancers and black chicks are heaps hot and that? The one that was originally called Black P*ssy? Because I thought it was traditional to avoid culturally insensitive and potentially blaxploitative songs in a racism-year. The Rolling Stones have like a billion other songs. I blame you for this, Tim Rogers!

You can make it up to me by going to the NRL site and voting for the indigenous all-stars, right now. Because indigenous peeps celebrating indigenous culture and achievement is both awesome and decidedly un-awkward.

Running a close second in the awkward stakes is Cameron ‘a dingo grappled Sam Thaiday!’ Smith. We get in trouble sometimes (a lot) for bagging the Storm. We are often (always) accused of being too harsh on them and blatantly biased. Well, your honour, this time Cam really did do something awful! I swear!

Melbourne Storm skipper Cameron Smith was strangely absent from this year’s NRL grand final but added a personal touch to Collingwood’s AFL triumph over St Kilda.

There’s no excuse for helping AFL. Especially not when you follow it up with this clanger:

“It was a funny feeling because it’s the first time I haven’t been involved in the finals.

“I remember thinking it doesn’t even feel like a grand final because we weren’t there.”

I’m sorry, I just choked on my tongue a little from the awkwardness of that quote. Pssst, Cam, you’re making yourself sound like a dick! *nudge nudge*

Let’s all cleanse our brains quickly by looking at complete adorableness of the Shiloh Jolie-Pitt of the NRL, also known as Hot Bitch’s baby:

Lastly, Errol congratulations gropes to two of our favourite Errol dudes for making the Kangaroos squad for the Four Nations tournament. Tommy Learoyd-Lahrs made it for the first time and the Raiders interviewed him and his awesome hair for you to watch.

Greg Bird made it for the second time even though he only just got back in the league. And did we mention he knows how to rock a suit? Because last night at the Titans’ Paul Broughton award night he definitely did.

Two incredible achievements right there: representing your country, and looking schmick. Yep, two INCREDIBLE achievements.

Pics. Getty Images, Gold Coast Bulletin.


origin wrap-up 2010: baby blues and report cards

July 8th, 2010

Recently, we’ve made a lot of new discoveries.

As part of her ‘Wet July’ campaign*, Sassy discovered that the Beach Road Hotel is exactly one longneck’s walk from her front door. She loves a roadie, and hates drink driving.

Kiki discovered that cleaning out a rabbit hutch is Extremely Unpleasant. Turns out her new pet bunny Preston Campbell is far less hygienic and tidy than the real Preston Campbell.

And after being slightly distressed last night (there may have been a tear or two) we discovered that even when you get maroon-washed you can still feel pretty proud the next morning.

See those big penguins? That’s us. Bein’ proud Origin parents.

Let’s break it down.

Three weeks can make a shitload of difference, huh? Even though the first ten minutes wasn’t exactly all the Blues dreams come true (understatement), the next 60 proved that when you play like you can win and get your blue asses all up in Queensland’s business, then you can win. It was a slightly-less-violent version of last year’s game three attitude. It also reminded us of the game back in 2009 where the bottom-eight Raiders beat the Minor Premiers St George out of nowhere just by gettin all up in their grills. This is also known as The Game Where T.Camps Threw a Ball at Dean Young’s Head. Also known as One Of Our Favourite Games Ever.

Hugging Gidley = v. important part of captain’s duties.
Pic. Getty Images

Straight after full time, we won’t lie, we were desolate. Seeing them come so close, but fall short, was sad sad sad. It may have even caused us to self-medicate with booze. But in retrospect, this is good. We is PROUD.

The last five years for NSW supporters have been like a five-year lesson in parenting. What do you do when you have children who disappoint you? What do you do when they make bad choices, when they get bullied, when they don’t believe in themselves? How do you deal with kids who fail to live up to their potential?

Apparently – and we checked this with our own mums to make sure – you can’t give kids back. It’s called ‘abandonment’ and people frown upon it.

Little Kurt just doesn’t understand.

So we stuck with the boys, just kept telling them we loved them and makin em peanut butter sandwiches or whatever young people eat these days … and last night we finally got the parental payoff. We think they call this feeling … PRIDE?

We get it now when parents say that they don’t care what mark you get “JUST AS LONG AS YOU TRY YOUR BEST DARLING”.

So let’s give some special shoutouts to our kids:

WE’RE SORRY, KURT GIDLEY: After all this drama, turns out you can play like a fucking demon when you want to (and when the selectors put you on the bench, where a good utility belongs). We’re sorry about the time we said on twitter you were ruining our lives. Now who else wants to sign the apology card?

WHAT UP FORMER INTERN GREG BIRD! Birdy, we knew you could do it all along. You’re a tough little nugget of awesome, and you proved it when you went over the line to ground the grubber, and in defence. ORIGIN 4 LYFE.

JARRYD HAYNE: Great game. Your other games weren’t great, but whatevs. That cut out pass to Brett Morris was MAGIC. You’re totally getting a bike for Christmas.

TOM LEAROYD-LAHRS AHOY! What? We have eyes. And as well as being a hot bitch, Tommy LL proved you don’t have to be the kind of player that racks up judiciary points to have enough (that hated word) “mongrel” to play Origin. Bitch is tough.

PAUL GALLEN: We don’t say nice things about Sharks players. You can make up your own complimentary feedback.

Pic. Quentin Jones

And the best bit of it? Not one player in that team played themselves out of a Blues jersey. For New South Welshfolk this feels weird. But we assure you it’s totally normal. We dare you to tell us who shouldn’t get another chance. Not even B.Moz when he cruelly murdered a try. Not even Ennis with his …. poor choice to join in a punch up in his own half. Not even Flash Gordon in his First Ever Origin, playing in the Position of Death. Sure there was that moment where he had some kind of attacking brain snap and ran in-field when the left side was open but whatever, Gidley ended up scoring anyway.

Sure Queensland played through some gaps out wide but that’s not necessarily a wing failure. That’s a whole line failure. And we’re 99% sure it’s the kinda thing that you fix by playing together, no?

They all played like boys who want to wear blues jerseys. Meaning they all played like boys who deserve blue jerseys. Luke Lewis, in the minutes he was on the field played like TWO men who should wear blue jerseys.

The exception was probably the last ten minutes, when they played like guys who all of a sudden realised they might actually win this thing and were so shocked and delighted and confused by the prospect of it happening that they lost their damn minds. But it happens, right? When you’re not used to winning it’s harder to win. Next time, it’ll be a teeny bit easier.

The maroons are good at football, bad at counting. Check out JT, Matt Scott and Darius.
Pic. Getty Images

Meanwhile, this is probably the point where we should discuss Queensland. We don’t like doing this. Yes, you’re all very good at football. Yes, that was a very good kick Darren Lockyer. Yes, Sam Thaiday we know you love fightin’, but stop trying to join in other people’s punch-ups. Also, tie your shorts a bit tighter next time pls.

Yes, letting Israel Folau take the last conversion attempt was kind of gross. (Nothing personal, Izzy). We could have written it off as “a touching farewell” if it wasn’t for the whole matter of Queensland first REFUSING to pick him on moral grounds, then picking him anyway cause he’s one of their two best wingers, then pimping him out as a hero. GROSS.

Do you know what is personal though? B.Moz and his injured knee. We blame you. Kiki in particular blames you. If someone in a balaclava knocks on your door then Tonya Hardings your knee, it’s probably her.

We would like to suggest that any team that would injure Brett Morris – beloved by all – is clearly in league with the powers of darkness.

As opposed to our team, who are on the whole pretty handsome, totally lovable, and wear delightfully short shorts.

And that’s SoO for 2010, over and out.

You stay classy, Origin fanz.
Pic. Cameron Richardson

* Wet July is just like Dry July, except instead of getting sponsored to be sober … you give money to charity yourself, then get drunk. Feel free to join in.


postcards from port macquarie: day three

May 6th, 2010

Here you have it, a very special edition of Errol TV. It was Sassy’s birthday, it was our first romantic sunset filming, we met a man CALLED ERROL … and we got you interviews with the hilarious Joel Thompson and Tom Learoyd-Lahrs from the Canberra Raiders. Our favourite part? When we get Tom Learoyd-Lahrs to make fun of his Raiders media manager (also the Country media manager) Ben Pollack. Also, when Tom Learoyd-Lahrs … exists.

Hope y’all like it!