26 

footy observations- tap arse, biff and white shorts

April 16th, 2009

Last weekend’s footy was a veritable festival of lolz. The Lolz Festival! I would totally go to that. Who am I kidding, I would be straight out performing. No…HEADLINING. Youse are all invited backstage of course. Together we will make that rider our bitch.

Err anyway, because Sassy and I are literally married we have a system where we support each others teams. She has been to the last few Dragons games with me, so this last Friday it was my turn to accompany her to watch the Chooks.  We proceeded to get quite drunk at our friend’s BBQ (hi Denee!) then tottled off to the footy.

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To put it mildly, what a crap game. The atmosphere was non existent (sup cricket crowd!) and the first half was like watching a reggies match. The Chooks served up some of their trademark ridiculousness, including a player getting up to play the ball to no one, looking around to find a guy behind him….who was also looking around searching for someone. I squealed in horror and spilt my drink. THANKS CHOOKS. Those drinks deadset cost 15 dollars.

Meanwhile I spent most of the game trying to figure out how to get live scores from the Dragons game on my fone. I gave up and went back to the BBQ, hopped on Denee’s laptop and was delighted to see my babies came up with a win. Not a huge suprise, but god knows I love seeing the boys on the top of the table. I even did my Top Of The Table Dance which is basically star jumps until I get buggered and fall on the floor clutching my side in pain.

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In natural light, Kiki’s bronzer looked decidedly greenish

Afterwards we walked stumbled down to the Leagues Club to meet some of the Bondi Rescue boys for a drink (I know, I know, we are such total celebs. Autograph line to left…). After way too many Smirnoff Blacks we decided it would be an awesome idea to accost poor Shaun Kenny-Dowall and ask him vitally important questions like ‘SKD! WHY DID U WEAR THONGS IN YOUR GODS OF FOOTBALL SHOOT? IS IT COZ YOU’RE SCARED OF GETTING TINEA?’

To his credit, he was very gracious and tolerant of our crazy. Also, we would like to apologise for terrorising some of the baby Chooks. Specifically to Sandor Earl for bringing up trimmed man pubes in our first ever conversation.

Back to the Dragons. Sadly Hot Bitch Cooper is STILL out, but obviously Channel 9 read Errol (well duh, who doesn’t) and decided to give me some sideline action to soothe my pain.

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Joey - So Coops, how does it feel when Kiki violates you on the internet?
Hot Bitch – Yeh mate…not bad. Wish she would stop doing that heavy breathing thing on my voicemail though.

Tiny Dancer Soward continues to be an amazing human. Going great guns for the Drags, and more importantly for our beloved fantasy teams. His pre goal kicking dance routine is one of the top 5 greatest things about league. Like, ever. Obviously the Parra crowd doesn’t think so, those bitches were all up his business with their boos. Poor ignorant people. Everyone knows you do NOT interrupt Sowie Kapowie.

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UM EXCUSE ME FUCKERS…BIT OF SHOOSH FOR MAH DANCE OKAY?

Sassy and I also watched the Cowboys v Titans. We don’t really care about either team, we just didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to watch not one but TWO teams in white shorts. Specially when said teams include Willy Zilly, John John and Luke O’Donnell. Granted, it did take us approximately 20 mins to figure out why the Cowboys looked to be playing in the Newtown Jets strip (hehe…strip), but it was totally worth it.

Onto Monday night footy. I tipped the Bunnies because well… it was Easter. Flawless logic right? WRONG. DAMN YOU RABBITOHS. Thankfully though, this game delivered two things I love: biff and lolz.

The biff was….okay, I wasn’t watching that closely. I’m still not quite sure what started it. But it sure escalated into something kind of amazing pretty quickly. Nothing says celebrating the resurrection of Christ like fisticuffs on the footy field right? We were delighted to see the muchly adorable Benny Lowe right in the middle of it. The man has curls, a sweet tan, great pins and most importantly…dimples. Clearly a new Errol fave.

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This brawl’s for you, Jesus!

And then there were the lolz. These lolz stemmed from severe embarassment. Which everyone knows is the best kind of lolz. As the boys ran on for half time, a rain soaked Andy Raymond informed us that Ben Hannant wouldn’t be returning for awhile because he had a, and I quote, “case of the runs”. Oh….my god. As if tap arse isn’t embarassing enough on it’s own, now the poor bloke has to have it reported as news on national television.

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Because my brother and I are basically 12 yr olds, we dissolved into a fit of giggles and started imagining if Hannant shat his pants whilst on the field. Would he have to go to the….Shit Bin? Would the ref stop the game? YOU…HANNANT..SHIT BIN! GET YOURSELF CLEANED UP! Would the trainers whack him in an adult diaper, give him a change of shorts and send him back on out there? Or maybe even…stitch his ass up?

And on that charming note, I’ll see you next week.

Screencaps from the awesome BS. Shooshing the crowd joke unashamedly stolen from Lozzy.

17 

hot man news season premiere

March 19th, 2009

Break out the bubbly! It’s the first Hot Man News of 2009!

It seems everyone’s been doing their best in the off-season to make it into the Hot Man News. The Eels (I’m not calling them Fattamatta. Nope.) have lost a few kg, Davey’s brought back the beard, and Kayne Lawton’s grown his hair out a bit and stepped up the blonde:

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We here at Oh Errol LOVE a blondie (well I was anti-blonde until I went that way myself, and my narcissism made me a fully-fledged cheerleader for blondes), and clearly Kayne has been doing his research by going lighter.

To be honest I don’t personally find him THAT hot (I know…between that and not finding Hot Bitch overly amazing, I should probably trade in my vagina), but Kiki is super impressed by his latest look. Welcome back Kayne baby, we missed you.

Oh and if you’re wondering, the Kayne google searches did not let up in the off season. 507 since mid December!

In first-grade Titans news, Will Zill* = still making us swoon. I LOVE this guy, and not just because I enjoy saying his name. Will Zill Sells Sea Shells By The Sea Shore! Another cute blondie, hurrah.

Us: “WILL! How does it feel to be part of the Hottie McHotHots? Also, what’s it like being pretty?”

Will: “…………is this a real interview?”

And it seems Will Zill is also quite the talent outside of footy. The commentary team last week came out with the absolutely golden “William’s teammates reckon he’s good at everything…on and off the field”. IT’S LIKE MUSIC TO OUR PANTS. Of course they could’ve been talking about like, a penchant for knitting his teammates blue and yellow scarves for their trips down south, but let’s go with the obscene option. It’s the Errol way.

Will’s off-field mobile mechanic business is quite the success

This season has also introduced some baby hot bitches across the board. WELCOME BABIES. HOW’S IT FEEL TO BE OBJECTIFIED? GOOD WE HOPE.

Our fave by far though is the Eels’ Daniel Mortimer, who Kiki has suggested may be an heir to the Hot Bitch throne.

“You know, playing for the Eels is awesome and all, but I feel like there’s just something missing in my life”

“If only I could be featured in Oh Errol’s Hot Man News…”

“What’s that? I AM!? Wow, Gabrielle was right…Dreams really CAN come true”

This kid…wow. He even got the lesbian stamp of approval from our girl Bec, and that is no small feat. She is TOUGH to please. Not even Davey could get that stamp. I know right? We don’t get it either. Point is, DanDan has succeeded where Dave could not, and he’s not even in first grade. YET. We’re predicting big things from Daniel, and can’t wait to follow the rest of his season.

But the highlight of our week was the amazing, AMAZING Matt Ballin. Oh…my god. He’s the reigning God of Football, and his ass is so fantastic it should be considered a seperate player, but THIS I was not prepared for:

LORD HAVE MERCY. Ballin also brought some unexpected sexytimes by starting A FIGHT! HER KNEES! KICK HER KNEES! What a dark horse.

[ Here at Errol Matt is known as GI Ballin due to his military like hotness. My theory is that Bal is currently suffering from post traumatic stress of some kind. The insanely loud thunderstorm reminded him of bombs being dropped in the Vietnamese jungle. Consequently he lost his shit and had a burst of violence. THE FLASHBACKS MAN! Also…at this juncture I would like to thank Our Heavenly Lord for a) inventing white transparent shorts and b) causing torrential rain while Matt Ballin was wearing them. Thanks thanks thanks.- K]

PS- Yes that photo does have our watermark on it. We may or may not have purchased it outright from gettyimages and we don’t want any bitches stealing our shit. Needless to say this photographic perfection will appear on the walls of the Errol office. We are currently researching printing options. So far the front runner is a giant floor to ceiling canvas. Soaking Wet Sexy Sexy Ballin feature wall anyone?

*By the way, I love that a bitter Raiders fan, or possibly even a Raider, has obviously added to Will Zill’s wiki page: “He played just 24 games for Canberra before leaving even though they spent years developing him and nursing him through his knee injuries”

Greasy Willy Zilly thanks to Naked For a Cause, screencaps thanks to our fave blog HotAussieShirtless.