cricket! now with extra dramz
October 23rd, 2008I have to admit something. While Errol is undoubtedly avant-garde; and while we are pretty much world leaders in bringing you the hot man news and informing you on issues like on-field squabbles, bromance, Matt ‘Hot Bitch’ Cooper’s ratstail, and things with hearts photoshopped on … sometimes even we drop the ball. Or our cocktails. Whatever the metaphor is.
One of those times has been this month, while Australia has been playing their test series against India. We did mean to watch the first two tests, truly, we swear! But somehow whenever we went to turn on the tv at Errol HQ we ended up dancing to the disco classics on MusicMax. Ooops.
I think it’s cause I’m not really back into my cricket ritual yet. It’s weird watching cricket without spending a day at the beach first and falling asleep on the couch.
But fear not, I’m back, babies. I’m back like Michael Taylor in the commentary box … answering all the vital questions, like “is that seagull on screen eating a Burger Ring or a Cheezel?”
So let’s get cracking. Apparently the international cricket governing bodies have been paying attention to tv this year and picked up that people … well, sometimes they find cricket boring. Shocking!
EXHIBIT A: “CRICKET … WATCH US STAND”
I like to imagine them all in their boardroom sitting down brainstorming the problem with Lindsay Naegle from the networks, and writing down her suggestions.
THE PEOPLE WANT DRAMA! … ACTION!
BUT AT THE HEART OF IT, WE NEED EMOTIONAL CONNECTION. PEOPLE NEED TO FEEEEEL THE GAME. YOU KNOW, OUTBURSTS, BLIND RAGE, ALL THAT EMOTION CRAP.
And they must have listened cause this second test was a freaking drama-fest.
Aussie fans were smacked on the wrist and sent home without any dessert for wearing t shirts that read: “Beer with Mahatma, Bets with Gupta, Dancing with Indira and still getting the runs“.
Do you know what’s always funny? PUNS ABOUT DYSENTERY.
Our boy Ishant Sharma (we are in the middle of a heated debate right now about whether he or Dennis Lillee should be the new Errol Patron Saint for summer) is even longer-haired and more bangled and man-jewelleried than ever.
He’s like a one man percussion set. A one man percussion set strapped to a praying mantis, and we fucking love it. He is also even more of a freak than last year, and his twisty unexpected bowling took Ponting’s wicket for the fifth time in the last five Australia-India tests. One of the best batsmen in the world! Five times! He’s a magic man!
Zaheer Khan was fined thousands for getting a little bit excited when Hayden was bowled, which I believe means he made like Carl Barron and did the forks. SUCCCKAAAAAAAAA!
Hussey. He even bowled that hack HUSSEY. Bitch.
And as Australia careened with shititude to a humiliating loss, Brett Lee got pissed (not in the good way).
What babe? Just tell me what I did!
Seems he got all disgruntled with ole Ricky Ponting for playing every other bowler in the team (and a few randoms from the crowd) but him before lunch on the fourth day, and it turned into a total cricket-pitch domestic.
LIKE YOU REALLY DON’T KNOW? God you are so inconsiderate sometimes. IF YOU DON’T KNOW I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU.
Don’t you walk away from me Brett Lee!
Look at all the baggy greens just standing there watching. I hate to say it, but do you know who would have broken this shit up? Roy. Oh yeah. Andrew Symonds is totally the Hot Bitch Cooper of the Aussie cricket team.
But Roy still isn’t back in the team. Hasn’t he been suspended from school long enough to make up for that oops-I-kinda-went-fishin incident? A man goes fishing once and he’s in the doghouse permanently?
WE LIKE ROY!
If anyone could force those two to shake hands and swish their toes in the sand while they mumble ‘I’m sorry’, then it’s Roy. That fierce bitch can do anything. We love him here at Errol. Kiki and I once spent a whole summer’s afternoon hungover at a BBQ eating cheese and freaking out my brother’s friends by pretending to feed it to our inflatable KFC Andrew Symonds.
I wish I were kidding.
In other news, if everyone can just scroll up a little …. yes …. yes, that’s far enough. Do you notice something to the right of Bretty and Rix’s squabbling? IT’S CRICKET HORNBAG.
That shit is uncanny. Is it … has someone pinned down Brad Haddin with the clippers of doom? It’s freaking me out. I prefer to think he knew how much we missed Ben ‘Hornbag’ Hornby and did it for the Errol girls. Nawwww.
All pics: AP
kiki
sassy
lozzy
interns
cricket is religon in my family. we arrange our whole holidays/sick leave based on cricket matches. and roy is our god. we took him fishing with us one day but the boat was going a bit fast and he blew away.
would love to see lillee as patron saint.
im confused. is this like… baseball or something?
von – both are fantastic.
HAHA ah shit I’m reading this on my fone at the hairdressers and loling, much to my colourists confusion.
Ah cricket, how I’ve missed you. I don’t feel quite right watching it in this freakish cold but as soon as it warms up I will be lolling about in my wet cossie mumbling stuff about slips and michael clarkes highlights.
Also us feeding cheese to inflatable roy was awesome. U forgot to put in that time when Kate launched an undercover operation to steal me inflatable Hussey from azzas house. Then sent me a txt msg like ‘someones waiting at the door for u’….I open the door and there is Hussey….but no Kate. Ah lolz.
DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT YESTERDAY WAS INTERNATIONAL ALL CAPS DAY???????? I THOUGHT THAT I SHOULD CELEBRATE IT TODAY BECAUSE I HAD NO IDEA!!!
Ok, that’s enough with the yelling. But seriously, all of your fabulous articles are justifying my theory that sportsmen are bigger crybabies than the majority of the female population. In my travels, I have heard many stories of camping trips and physio sessions where professional ‘athletes’ are bigger wingers than school children or 40 year old women…..
If you girls are going off on a cricket tangent, you MUST include some of our Kiwi neighbours in the mix because players like Daniel Vettori and Hamish Marshall are just so pretty to look at
bahahha kate. inflatable hussey. now i’m loling.
i enjoy this domestic but i just know i won’t be getting into cricket this sum. UNLESS you find me a cricket husband. get on it.
how could I forget hussey??
we would have had the whole set except that incompetent kfc in swanston st in melbourne refused to give us a blow up clarkey. hmph.
meanwhile I don’t even have a cricket husband. adam gilchrist left me!
I mean, retired.
What a freakish coincidence. There I was reading this last night……..
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/thereporters/nickbryant/2008/10/the_end_of_a_cricketing_era.html
….and this morning there’s a cricket post on Errol. The first few paragraphs of the BBC blog could almost BE an Errol post.
Could I also raise my hand for Dennis Lillee as the Sumer PS? If only for his contribution to the moustached community.
Jimminy jilickers, something I can comment on!!!
I was trying to think today what it is that irks me so much about our test team these days, apart from them being stuck up whingers, dating Lara Bingle and whatnot.
Then I realised, oh yeh, it’s because they are boring as bat shit and bereft of any personality!!
Have you seen Stuart Clarke??? He’s a fucking automaton!
“Engaging bowling action… approaching popping crease… releasing ball… keeping facial features oddly frozen…”
I miss Warnie and M.Waugh’s questionable extra-curricular activities, Boonie’s suicidal drinking binges and Ricky Ponting getting wasted at nightclubs and subsequently being bashed by offended women! Because yes, one day even he was a fucking laugh riot.
I would give my left arm right now to see Punter cruise onto the G on the pitch roller this boxing day off his guts, holding a Crownie in one hand, and a stump in the other, with the flag tied around his neck, and it’s only the first lunch break.
I miss the old days.
See, now, the cricket stuff I can read…
I need a cricket husband too…!!!
lol
Wait, can I have two? Mitchell Johnson or Shane Watson… they’re both tall and gorgeous, so don’t really mind which one
*sigh* cricket just isn’t footy. I’m sorry
I struggle to get into it… atleast the tests… one day-ers and 20/20s yeah ok fine i’ll watch… but it’s just not footy… 
aahh I know not a thing about cricket, but I still lold. that means TALENT miss sassy.
JAMES! i had no idea you were a cricket bandit. you are gonna love summer on errol then. it will all cricket all the time!
.
also i missed ishant and his fierce accessories. i bet he would lose his mind in Diva.
also i have a creepy obsession with Lillee and have had for a ridic amount of time so i am all over the idea of having him as our patron saint.
and roy is our god. we took him fishing with us one day but the boat was going a bit fast and he blew away
BAHAHA. baz. can your family adopt me pls?
james, isn’t my post proof enough that cricket is still entertaining? HMMMM?
meanwhile I do kinda love mitchell johnson. I’m not sure about him though. he’s more a … cricket fiance.
ps baz you are amazing.
pps ray does this mean you’re a cricket fan too? if you say no, you know we’re just going to keep annoying you till you give in.
woah. did you just make cricket entertaining?
you successfully recruited me to camp footy, but will it be the same with cricket? not sure i could actually endure an entire test series…
Yes, Sassy. Me iz a cricket fan. As a teenager my friend Hayley and I had a big crush on Shane Warne. I think it was the blondness that did it. At the time we were too young to realise he wasn’t really ‘take him home to your mum material’. Then again, maybe that’s why we liked him???
cricket! a sport I know! a sport where you can have a few sneaky naps and still not miss out on the action.
p.s i tried to make a dent on boonies 52 beers record on my flight back to london the other week … but had 3 gins and passed out. I have so much to learn.
Excellent, cricket season!
And I too have an inflatable Roy… a must for every lounge room.
no worries kiki. as long as you can take a diving catch with one hand and not spill the beer in the other you’ll fit right in. actually it doesnt matter if you dont take the catch as long as you dont spill the beer. also, better invest in a good quality life jacket. just in case.
I love the captions. They make me chortle.
And the subtle Simpons reference… “We Like Roy!”
“Be like the boy, be like the boy”
“Now the seniors up the back”
“We Like Roy! We Like Roy!”
charmed again.
Not one to nitpick… but did you mean Mark Taylor, not Michael Taylor? In your defence, he is quite forgettable and annoying and quite possibly deserved of having his name mistaken.
FUJITSU!
BAHAHA I did say michael taylor. ok that’s kind of awesome. yet more of the excellent oh errol journalism that you all know and love.
soz mark!
I have no idea why ‘michael taylor’ popped into my mind either. I googled and all I got was a british landscape painter.
your future husband sassy? THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES.
michael taylor. lolol.
future husband, future therapist, future poolboy, future bartender. so many possibilities.