cricket! now with extra dramz

I have to admit something.  While Errol is undoubtedly avant-garde; and while we are pretty much world leaders in bringing you the hot man news and informing you on issues like on-field squabbles, bromance, Matt ‘Hot Bitch’ Cooper’s ratstail, and things with hearts photoshopped on … sometimes even we drop the ball.  Or our cocktails. Whatever the metaphor is.

One of those times has been this month, while Australia has been playing their test series against India.  We did mean to watch the first two tests, truly, we swear!  But somehow whenever we went to turn on the tv at Errol HQ we ended up dancing to the disco classics on MusicMax.  Ooops.

I think it’s cause I’m not really back into my cricket ritual yet.  It’s weird watching cricket without spending a day at the beach first and falling asleep on the couch. 

But fear not, I’m back, babies.  I’m back like Michael Taylor in the commentary box … answering all the vital questions, like “is that seagull on screen eating a Burger Ring or a Cheezel?”

So let’s get cracking.  Apparently the international cricket governing bodies have been paying attention to tv this year and picked up that people … well, sometimes they find cricket boring.  Shocking! 

EXHIBIT A: “CRICKET … WATCH US STAND”

I like to imagine them all in their boardroom sitting down brainstorming the problem with Lindsay Naegle from the networks, and writing down her suggestions.

THE PEOPLE WANT DRAMA! … ACTION!

BUT AT THE HEART OF IT, WE NEED EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.  PEOPLE NEED TO FEEEEEL THE GAME.  YOU KNOW, OUTBURSTS, BLIND RAGE, ALL THAT EMOTION CRAP.

And they must have listened cause this second test was a freaking drama-fest.

Aussie fans were smacked on the wrist and sent home without any dessert for wearing t shirts that read: “Beer with Mahatma, Bets with Gupta, Dancing with Indira and still getting the runs“.

Do you know what’s always funny?  PUNS ABOUT DYSENTERY.

Our boy Ishant Sharma (we are in the middle of a heated debate right now about whether he or Dennis Lillee should be the new Errol Patron Saint for summer) is even longer-haired and more bangled and man-jewelleried than ever. 

He’s like a one man percussion set.  A one man percussion set strapped to a praying mantis, and we fucking love it. He is also even more of a freak than last year, and his twisty unexpected bowling took Ponting’s wicket for the fifth time in the last five Australia-India tests.  One of the best batsmen in the world!  Five times!  He’s a magic man!

Zaheer Khan was fined thousands for getting a little bit excited when Hayden was bowled, which I believe means he made like Carl Barron and did the forks.   SUCCCKAAAAAAAAA!

Hussey. He even bowled that hack HUSSEY. Bitch.

And as Australia careened with shititude to a humiliating loss, Brett Lee got pissed (not in the good way).

What babe? Just tell me what I did!

Seems he got all disgruntled with ole Ricky Ponting for playing every other bowler in the team (and a few randoms from the crowd) but him before lunch on the fourth day, and it turned into a total cricket-pitch domestic.

LIKE YOU REALLY DON’T KNOW? God you are so inconsiderate sometimes. IF YOU DON’T KNOW I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU.

Don’t you walk away from me Brett Lee!

Look at all the baggy greens just standing there watching.  I hate to say it, but do you know who would have broken this shit up?  Roy.  Oh yeah.  Andrew Symonds is totally the Hot Bitch Cooper of the Aussie cricket team. 

But Roy still isn’t back in the team.  Hasn’t he been suspended from school long enough to make up for that oops-I-kinda-went-fishin incident?  A man goes fishing once and he’s in the doghouse permanently?

WE LIKE ROY!

If anyone could force those two to shake hands and swish their toes in the sand while they mumble ‘I’m sorry’, then it’s Roy.  That fierce bitch can do anything.  We love him here at Errol.  Kiki and I once spent a whole summer’s afternoon hungover at a BBQ eating cheese and freaking out my brother’s friends by pretending to feed it to our inflatable KFC Andrew Symonds. 

I wish I were kidding.

In other news, if everyone can just scroll up a little …. yes …. yes, that’s far enough. Do you notice something to the right of Bretty and Rix’s squabbling? IT’S CRICKET HORNBAG.

That shit is uncanny. Is it … has someone pinned down Brad Haddin with the clippers of doom?  It’s freaking me out. I prefer to think he knew how much we missed Ben ‘Hornbag’ Hornby and did it for the Errol girls. Nawwww.

All pics: AP