dave-watch 2009: murder and musicals

Is it just us, or have you felt there was something missing from this footy season? A funny sort of feeling that all wasn’t quite as it should be (and not just because the Bulldogs are winning things). It’s a bit like that weird confusion when you walk in the bathroom and can’t remember what you went in there for; or the feeling when you wake up and suspect you may have publicly pashed someone but can’t remember who it was or where you were. I mean … what? Who said what?

Anyway, I can solve the mystery for you without even having to look at your wrists to see if there are any tell-tale nightclub stamps on your wrists. IT’S DAVE. Errol Patron Saint Dave Williams has been conspiciously absent from the 2009 season.

We were heartbroken when he injured his shoulder in the World Club Challenge match in England. What would we do without Dave? After we organised trauma counselling for Intern John John and Lachie, we decided to keep tabs on him so you can still get your Davey fix. Plus it meant I got to wear a trenchcoat and heels.

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST OFF-SEASON

Things were looking dire in round one.  The Manly boys were making a real fucking schemozzle of the game and there on the sideline was Dave. Looking depressed, enduring the rain and … eating a lollipop?

Really? He so broke into Brett Stewart’s sugar stash to try and eat his emotions away. Personally, I think he looks like he’s watching Bani and cursing him for trying to steal back his spot on the wing. Which makes sense cause it was an injury that got Dave the number 5 jersey last year anyway. Maybe also muttering ‘ohhhh I’ll show you Bani’ and occasionally shaking his fist skywards at his maroon-clad nemesis. BAANNNNIIII! He is thisclose to snapping and going on a murderous locker room rampage.

Dave Williams, is that you?

Which makes total sense cause he also looks EXACTLY like the murderous fisherman with the hook from I Know What You Did Last Summer. Cept instead of having a piercing, stabby hook he has … the lollipop. Maybe he just pokes people with the teeny tiny stick till he gets his way? Those fuckers are sharp.

Either way, signs were not good for Davey’s mental health. VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER, DAVE.

WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE?

Dessie? Dessie? Can you see me back here? Note to self: wear a wolfman costume next week.

By week two shit was getting dire. Even though he had his swishy new spot on the Today show:

Wolfman joins TODAY

… you can see the strain. One of the first signs of depression is losing interest in your appearance and wearing the same old clothes. Either that or he’s wearing it all the time cause it shows off his rack and he just really wants someone to pay attention. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE GET DAVE ANOTHER SHIRT. AND A HUG. HE IS CLEARLY IN A NEEDY PLACE. (No, not one of those ones that say ‘Free Hugs’. We talked about this Dave. You have to play at least a little hard to get).

No wonder he came back too early from injury and broke our hearts all over again. He musta missed us too.

DAVE WILLIAMS: BORN TO HANDJIVE

So there are two possibilities: either his second injury pushed Dave over the edge and he’s lost his damn mind, or … he just really likes musicals. Don’t laugh! There are more of us than you think! We just have to hide it … like never-nudes.

Dave is … wait for it …. STARRING IN A PRODUCTION OF GREASE. ON THE BEACH AT CLONTARF. GREASE ON THE BEACH!

I wonder if he also forced his siblings and cousins to perform choreographed musicals in costume in the living room at family Christmas like I did up until I was about fourteen some people do. I think the best was probably when I put them all in shorty shorts and do-it-yourself tie-up midriff tops to dance and sing to the Pet Shop Boys Go West. True Story. I think we have it on video somewhere.

My job is … well my job is pretty much to make up ridiculous stuff about football (and cricket). I mean, in my mind Terry Campese does his laps of the pool singing tunes from South Pacific, but even I couldn’t think this shit up. For reals. It’s amazing. Note to self: buy tickets immediately.

Better shape up, cause I need … a (wolf)man*

Apparently our Patron Saint is playing Johnny Casino … like Johnny Casino and the Gamblers. Are you still breathing? And does this mean he sings the spotlight dance number for Danny and Cha Cha? And Born to Handjive? God I hope so.

Blueee mooooooon

I wonder if they can make his beard into a chin-pompadour?

If this is what happens when Dave Williams is on the sideline … don’t put him back Des. For the love of God, don’t put him back.

* Joke shamelessy stolen from Lozzy.

[EDIT -  This is Dave's profile on the Grease On The Beach website....

Yes, really. I AM SPEECHLESS.

Also, Sassy and I have decided when (yes when, not if) we are Famous People, we too would like to be in ridiculous musical stage shows. Unsuprisingly, both of us rather enjoy the stage and were enthusiastic cast members high school musical productions during the 90s. My highlight was starring as a 'Hot Box Dancer' in Guys and Dolls in 1997. I got to rock out in black tights and a giant box painted as a dice while singing Luck Be a Lady. I'm not joking. - Kiki ]