don’t call it a shitstorm
April 22nd, 2010
Sometimes, at Errol HQ, we have to do unpleasant things. Well, not really. Usually we just make the interns do all the stuff we don’t enjoy, like stacking the dishwasher, fending off bill-collectors with sharp sticks and fetching us vats of Diet Coke when we are sleepy or hungover.
But today we have to talk about … the Storm. Oh man, we haven’t been this distressed/surprised/overwhelmed/confused since Britney got the crack itch and shaved off all her hair.
First things first: YES WE TOLD YOU THEY WERE EVIL. We tipped you all off aaages ago that the Storm, aka Globo Gym, were inherently untrustworthy and potentially the enemy of all that is good and lovely in this world.
But even we didn’t think things were this dramatic. $1.7 million in shifty salary cap breaches over five years. <insert Phil Gould WOW here>
We spent the afternoon huddled around watching the live press conference from the NRL – Intern John John even put on his serious hotpants (they’re pin-striped) – and we couldn’t decide whether we were more:
a) shocked by how harsh the penalty ended up being;
b) shocked at how insane the salary cap breaches were;
c) outraged that the penalty didn’t include taking the 2009 wooden spoon away from the Roosters (that was just Sassy);
d) just really really upset for David Gallop. Our fave sporting administrator looked truly devastated. We were both actually close to tears. We know DG enough to know he is an awesome bloke and he does NOT deserve this fuckery.
When Greg Inglis got in trouble with the law, we sent him comical chocolate-covered fruit flowers to cheer him up, but there aren’t enough fruit flowers in the world for this, for serious. NOT ENOUGH FRUIT FLOWERS IN THE WORLD.
Anyway. Here are some of our educated thoughtz on this.
OF COURSE IT WAS AFL
We could not be less surprised that people are suggesting Brian Waldron masterminded this. Of course he did. If there is one unarguable truth about rugby league, it’s that scandals always come out, and no one keeps any secrets. They are physically incapable of doing this. Sure, league players and managers and administrators can be shifty sometimes, but not to this extent, with this level of deceit, this successfully, and in this organised a fashion. As a rule, Rugby League is nothing but transparent, honest and a little bit … let’s just call it “un-slick”. It’s part of why we love it so much.
BUT WHAT ABOUT BILLY?
Whenever we get onto the topic of whether the players knew what is up, Sassy just stops and says two words: Jamal. Idris.
That’s right, remember when Jamal admitted that he didn’t know he had to pay tax? Our feeling is that you should never underestimate how clueless people can be. And be ‘people’ we mean ‘footy players, or Errol girls’. We do some really, really ridiculously dumb stuff sometimes.
Like John Kite taking his passport to the airport for a flight to Queensland. Or the time Sassy got out the wrong side of a cab in New York and the door got ripped off. Until we find out that the players were collecting giant sacks of cash from the locker room every Friday or something, we’re willing to think maybe not all the players knew.
We have a semi-insider’s view on what goes on in footy and we know that the game runs on gossip. But we are unsure if players openly talk about their salary with other players.
It’s entirely possible at least SOME of the Storm players knew, or had an inkling, of what was going on. But after watching the bloopers video from the making of the Indigenous All-Stars ad, can you really say you think Greg Inglis is right on top of his finances? Really?
We imagine when he rocks up to his accountant and his manager asks about his receipts he just answers “… what?”
THANKS, BIN LADEN
Why yes, we did just quote The Hangover! Thanks for noticing. Turns out this whole Melbourne shitstorm will screw everyone over. There’ll be no more masturbating on planes for anyone. As in, there’ll be no happy ending to this story (GET IT? HAPPY ENDING? It’s funny cause it means … you know).
For the record, we agree with the NRL’s plan of punishment. In fact it’s kind of delightfully diabolical the way they are forcing the club to go through the motions for the rest of the year with no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It’s very Bond villain don’t you think?
But let’s be serious for a minute.
If the Melbourne Storm loses all their premiership points earned so far for the 2010 season, but keeps going, then they effectively keep cheating because they already have a team that breaches the salary cap. Hello unfair.
If they keep going the way the NRL wants them to – with no points, and not winning any more points – then every other team has to risk injury and suspension playing a team that has no chance of winning the premiership anyway. The games are dead rubbers, crowds are lower, and everyone including the sponsors is sadpants. After all, how well can the Storm play when they’re not playing for anything? Maybe they will play on emotion for the next few weeks, but how will they be feeling come round 20?
And if the Storm don’t play at all, that’s one game less per round. Teams would miss out on match experience and momentum, and the sponsors would be super sadpants.
And whichever ones happens, Storm fans – all ten of them – get nothing. We’re pretty happy for something bad to happen to that douchebag Melbourne fan with the cowbell, cause that is fucking IRRITATING, but we do feel truly awful for the rest of the Storm kids.
As much as we have always loathed the Storm, we want the club to survive. Because if nothing else, it’s providing an alternative to the horrendousness that is AFL, and that’s bloody important.
THOUGHTS PEOPLE. TELL US EVERYTHING YOU THINK.
kiki
sassy
lozzy
interns
