errol internships: new applications now open
August 1st, 2008All the Oh Errol girls are tres ambivalent about the news that Intern Brownie has been offered a new fulltime gig and will be leaving us at the end of the year. Proud as punch and happy because we love him dearly, but kind of devo, because … well we’ll just miss seeing his confused little face around the office. Spilling Eccoccino on his Dragons jersey, accidentally wiping photocopy toner all over his face, purring when I tickle him under the chin.
Worst of all, it means the search is on for a new intern to take his place. Errol is a full-time enterprise you know. We can’t manage this shit on our own.
So while Jessica is already busy planning Brownie’s farewell party, I’ve been distracting myself poring through the pile o’resumes we’ve received in the past few weeks. Seems like the kids have heard about Brownie’s sweet hot tub deal and want a piece of the action.
One application letter had the name T.Carney on the back and weird spots of discolouration on the envelope so I just kinda left it sealed and threw it away. Joel Moon’s application was just a set of shirtless photos of him. HOW SHALLOW DO YOU THINK WE ARE, JOEL? Well I kept the photos, so probably quite shallow. But this is a business Joel, so don’t expect an interview.
Just kidding. You’re on the shortlist darlin.
I also binned a few that were unsigned and filled with mysterious white powder. I think we can all guess who they were from.
One in the pile really caught my attention though. After I finished licking the meat pie residue off Greg Bird’s letter, I realised it was one damn impressive set of references.
Now I already have a soft spot for the amazing Birdman. I know I usually say bitchy things about the Sharks, but what can I say? He’s a fiesty little pugdog. I like that.
I love his hilarious expression in his NRL ad with Ben Mendelsohn. I love his crazy Mexican bandido moustache:
… almost as much as his ridiculous lady-glasses. Bitch has no shame. I also like that.
I especially love his Ancient Rome-style tendency to gluttony. I would bet anything he also has a fetish for eating during sex. You know it’s true. True and hot.
But it was his reference from his (admittedly not always the most sportsmanlike) teammate Paul Gallen that really set him apart.
The NSW star had been handcuffed and thrown into the back of a paddy wagon outside a Brisbane nightclub at 4.30am for doing little more than asking a constable for directions.
“I was back at the hotel in bed when he rang me,” Sharks skipper Paul Gallen said.
“I didn’t believe him at first. Then he started crying.”
“That’s Birdy . . . he is just a big sook. He cries a lot.”
“If you don’t know him there is that perception that he is an arrogant little turd. He thinks he is so cool with his get-up, but it is terrible.”
“He wears chicks’ sunglasses and ‘where’s Wally’ T-shirts. And he has got these 1980′s Reebok Pumps which he wears with the tongue out so everyone knows they are really Reebok Pumps.
“He is a bit different, for sure, but to be honest you couldn’t meet a better guy. Anyone who gets to know him could only call him one thing and that is a top bloke. He is always there for a quiet beer and he always listens.”
BIRDMAN’S A CRIER. I will never ever stop smiling at that. Not even while I hug him and smush his face in my amazing rack for being so fucking adorable. (I think he’d be a good height for that. Convenient!) I can’t figure out whether it’s funnier that he cries, or funnier that Paul Gallen bags his outfits. I love him too, too much.
And in yet more proof that Birdman is the George Costanza of the Sharks, Jarrad-with-an-A Anderson slipped in a reference too.
“Mate, we are always giving it to Birdy,” former Sharks teammate Jarrad Anderson said.“We got him with a screamer last year and, yeah, we made him cry. He will deny it but he gave us a lift to the pub and he came in and left his keys on the table. We went out and moved his car, then put the keys back. He said goodbye and left. He came back about five minutes later crying, saying his car had been stolen. He even called his mum.”
After that kind of overwhelming candidate, how can I even read the rest of the applications? I’m calling it a day and leaving the other 50 to the girls. I vote INTERN GREGBIRD for 2009.
kiki
sassy
lozzy
interns
