errol newsbreak: surprising and completely unexpected news
September 24th, 2008
I have shocking news for you today, babies. Absolutely fucking shocking. In fact, I would suggest that before you read this post, you pull up a chair and move away from all sharp edges. I don’t want someone losing an eye from fainting while they read Oh Errol. We totes don’t have enough cash to pay off a lawsuit (unless you’re happy to accept sexual favours).
When I found out this morning I involuntarily spat my Mimosa all over Lachie’s school project.
Wait for it … Sonny Bill is unhappy. AGAIN. Are you surprised? God knows I am! Sonny Bill! That little ray of sunshine … UNHAPPY? My ticker almost can’t take the shock.
The only thing more completely gobsmacking is that Sonny Bill Feelings is injured at the moment and not playing.
Williams’ manager, Khoder Nasser, is travelling to France to check on the welfare of his client.
There are rumours Williams is upset at his treatment by Toulon president Mourad Boudjellal.
One source said: “The guy is a tyrant who is giving Sonny Bill hell.”
Williams is out injured at the moment with a leg problem.
Sonny Bill Feelings, INJURED AND SOOKY? What kind of topsy-turvy world is this?
[Lozzy doesn't even think he is injured btw. She thinks he had a tanty that he wasn't getting enough attention and was stuck with another losing side, so he had Mama Williams send over a note saying he had his period to get him out of it. YOU KNOW IT'S LIKELY!]
Word is he may even want to come back to the doggies, and wouldn’t they be glad to have him?
Okay do you know what? I can’t keep up this sarcasm any longer. It’s burning my throat (or is that the Breakfast Margarita I had to get over my faux shock?). Either way.
Oh, Sonny Bill Feelings. Sonny, Sonny, Sonny.
He is as steady and predictable as a Pete Murray song. As repetitive as the Roosters in attack. As constant as the tides. I’ll say it again: until bitch discovers lithium, he’ll never be happy.
Well, he might be. The other possibility, of course, is that Sonny is a normal, healthy, functioning young man, and he is only crying over his croissant right now because it just so happens that everyone he comes across happens to be REALLY REALLY MEAN.
Now we Errol girls are nothing if not Dedicated Journalists, determined to bring you the truth at any cost. So I nipped down to the shops for an international phone card and called up Toulon this morning to get the 411 from Sonny Bill.
Lucky for you I also speak fluent Kiwi, because the Man in Question – also known as ‘the Fugitive‘ – revealed all, and I have translated it for you. Turns out those rugby frogs are even meaner than Folkesy. They won’t even let him shoulder charge. Heartless Frenchies. And Umaga didn’t even defend him. Umaga!
What heppened to Kiwi solidarity?
But the last straw was when they put the Dummies’ Guide to Rugby in Sonny’s Dora the Explorer Backpack one training session and asked him to learn all those trucky new rules. It’s pretty much made his life hell over there. IT’S CAUSE HE’S POLY, ISN’T IT?
But Sonny, my lad, I asked, surely this is no worse than the hell you endured at the hands of those ruthless Bulldogs? What with their ‘training’ sessions, and constant refusal to use pages from your BIG BOOK OF IDEAS to revolutionise the club?
Oh no, there is something else, isn’t there, Sonny? You can tell Dr. Sassy. No judgment. You miss your manlove, don’t you? Ever since he left, it’s just not the same. I knew it. You’ve been dumped for Greg Inglis, and it hurts, doesn’t it?
That’s right, kittens. Without Anthony ‘the Man’ Mundine by his side to remind him that a ruck is a rugby term, and not a person, like Ruck Astley, Sonny Bill Feelings has been wearing his Sonny-Bill-sadface.
… Choc? Where are you Choc?
And if, like me, you are moved by Sonny Bill’s story of trauma and totally sympathise with his plight, you will be pleased to know you can now send him messages of love and support via the Daily Telegraph.
And that concludes our news update for today. You stay classy, San Diego.
kiki
sassy
lozzy
interns
RUCK ASTLEY HAHAHAHA. i am dead.
What heppened to Kiwi solidarity
BAHAHAH. ah making fun of kiwi accents never gets old. OR SHOULD THAT BE ECCENTS.
*slaps knee*
also
RUCK ASTLEY
sassy you have outdone yourself.
this kiwi mocking applies only to SBW and no one on team warrior coz obvs we adore them. our hate is specific.
oh no no no, as always, there is one set of rules for people I love and another one for people I hate.
I am nothing if not consistently biased.
its true. people come to errol for the bias, lolz and man flesh.
i like the idea of us doing post game interviews at Origin…
‘so billy slater you dirty queenslander, you are the incarnation of true evil…how do u feel about that?’
ratings would go through the roof. CALL US GYNG.
ok I was just reading the ‘messages to sonny bill’ and I think maybe this is my favourite:
So money cant buy love, you should have listened to John Lennon. I cant see why you would be lonely you should actually get on well with the French they are good at running away from their obligations as well.
Dave P. of Central Coast
is that … A WORLD WAR TWO JOKE? a telegraph reader making a ww2 joke about sonny bill feelings. amazing. I am amazed.
BAHAH. is he referencing what..the Vichy government? I’m confused. i like historical references to be accurate.
I think so! although obviously he would then be talking about … moral obligations I suppose. rather than contractual ones?
god I am still so amazed. amazed and confused.
’so billy slater you dirty queenslander, you are the incarnation of true evil…how do u feel about that?’
HAHAHHAHAH
Hahahah omg im dying. I don’t even have a favourite part it’s all so good. Also, ifd anyone is ever mean to my clients I will not only go and console you, but I will whip the person involved with my cat o’ nine tails. Gggrrr
Baha Mundine and Sonny look like they’re discussing the love making they did the night before.
Oh and now I have ‘Never Gonna’ Give You Up’ in my head!
marlo in my mind your cat o’nine tails is hot pink and has diamantes on the handle.
bahaha omg shorty they so do.
he is so extremly hot, why does he have to be a money seeking sook?
I think what Dave P of Central Coast meant to say was ….
“he is just another cheese eating surrender monkey, so he should fit right in”
Maybe Clarkeson should be leaving notes
Not only is it pink and diamanted, it has a little bow around the handle…just to soften the look.
You know what I love about errol (one of the many things)? Im on the bus and people behind me are probably wondering what I could possibly be reading that involves ron burgundy and $onny bill and chocs bromance.
bahahah yes. its the variety that gets people in.
Sonny Bill can go suck a fart
ok, i know my favourite part now..*He is as steady and predictable as a Pete Murray song. As repetitive as the Roosters in attack. As constant as the tides.* Its funny because the roosters ALWAYS do the same thing.
Sonny Bill can go suck a fart
HAHHAHAHA oh shit i just lold at work