footy observations: full metal socket

I am shocked, boys. Shocked and appalled! I turn my back for a week to watch a little bit of Olympics and you all start turning all Lord of the Flies on me.

This week has been yet more dramaz and violence ahoy in the NRL.  As if we didn’t have enough.

Anyway, as we go back through the violent tendencies from this week, I’m going to give you my observations in point form. We can pretend each one is a ninja star.

* My Roosters. I am so, so unbelievably glad I was out downing voddies and dancing to the Misshapes instead of watching this. We were crushed 30-6.  Let’s just say if this really were Lord of the Flies, the Storm were the choir boys. That’s all I have to say about that.

* Ben Roberts has escaped his assault charge with a $2,500 fine. By my caluclations this means there must now be TWO Bulldogs still in possession of their liberty, not on the run from the law, and fit enough to be able to play for team this week. HALLELUJAH!  That’s the most they’ve had in weeks!  Jessica and that guy who wears the wooden spoon hat to doggies games will be overjoyed.

* There was enough passive-aggression on the field between the Tigers and Parramatta Eels on Monday to outdo even Benny Roberts and his assaults. I don’t know if it was because Brett Hodgson finally found Oh Errol and was offended by my Starlight Hodgson comments, but bitch was pissed. I know this because he complained even more than Brett Finch.

And I don’t know if it’s due to a new end of season Atkins diet but the Fattamatta Eels are back in some kind of form. Running! Scoring tries! Not puffing so much!

I’m thisclose to joining Big Blog just so I can comment on Nathan Hindmarsh’s blog and ask for their secret. It’s low carb, isn’t it?

I think the wild weather sent the boys from the west a little Lord of the Flies too, because Bryce Gibbs took out Krisnan Inu with a high arm in a tackle and Corey Payne went for Jarryd ‘Baby’ Hayne’s face in a retro facial massage.

Or is it jealousy? Are Corey and Bryce just pissed that they didn’t get nominated in the Errol awards this year? ENVY IS SO UNBECOMING, BOYS. If you have broken Krisnan’s adorable sunshiney smile or Baby Hayne’s snuggly little face I will get all Ben Roberts on your ass. Trust.

Feleti Mateo didn’t need any help though. They say he injured a knee, we know better. In his few weeks off he got a taste for Ranch Dressing and daytime tv and bitch doesn’t wanna give it up.

Now that’s a ranch-dressing belly if ever I saw one.

Do you think it’s a coincidence it happened just as he was seeing what it’s like to play a full game back in the first grade side? More like he started to feel tingles down his left arm and realised what we all firmly believe: that intense exercise is tres unpleasant. He’s totally faking this. WE SEE THROUGH YOU FELETI.

(Pssst – come over next week if you want to watch Oprah together, bb)

* Souths fans are clearly going crazy on the island too, because as South Sydney were unexpectedly demolishing Manly on the weekend, one crazy Rabbitohs fan decided the best way to express his joy was by throwing a metal socket at Steve Matai. A metal socket? Does anyone even know what that is? Like … a light socket? God I am so confused.

Confused in so many ways. You’re winning. How does that translate to a socket to Steve Matai’s head? I already explained last time that Matai’s cornrows do not amount to head protection. Yes, he may have a cornrow fringe now – which, by the way Steve, I really enjoy.  V flattering - but bitch is still human and this primal socket-throwing stuff is really quite dangerous.  (Well, it’s dangerous assuming a metal socket is what I think it is.  It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye!)

What’s next, the pig on a stick?

I also wanna give a shout out to Anthony Watmough who had a shocker of a game against the Rabbitohs. It wasn’t your fault, Tony. You may not know it, but the universe was Not Happy with you on Sunday. So it wasn’t that you lost the plot, so much as the planets gave you a massive kick in the face. Here’s a little excerpt from your Sunday horoscope:

You are so distracted at the moment and need to understand which activities and people are of value or of prime importance.

UNCANNY, right?  No wonder you kept knocking on and missing tackles.  You were astrologically distracted.

If you want to start consulting the stars before next week’s match to see if your performance will improve, I highly recommend Astro Barry.

* Tim Sheens doesn’t want to be left out either, so he’s decided to call back some Tigers greats to relive the seventies, maybe slap each other around a little bit, and promote their next game during the week. Really Tim Sheens.  Selling football with violence?  I expected more of you.

Sigh.  I just hope things are a little more sunshine and rainbows this weekend in the league.  All this injury and drama is so exhausting.  I had to have two tumblers of voddie and dry just watching the football on Monday night.

So in the interest of my mental health, and not getting cirrhosis of the liver, all Reni and I are asking you, babies, is:

Give peace a chance.