footy observations: grudges, bitches and victory, sweet victory!

We don’t like it either, boys.

So we hate to start the week on a downer, but you all keep asking for our thoughtz on the Melbourne Storm, so let’s get it out of the way first, shall we?

Yes, they are more cheaty than even we suspected, and it took a team of professional auditors to figure out just HOW cheaty they were. Also, yes, David Gallop’s new glasses are freaking awesome, huh? We love us some nerd glasses. We think they make him look very distinguished.

Here’s the way we see it: while it sucks for the innocent players that they have to be called cheats by rowdy New Zealand crowds, can you really blame the kiwis? Every other team in the NRL that played by the rules got screwed by the Storm. Of course the fans are angry. It’s kind of mean, but totally understandable. Also, the guy in Auckland with the “BILLY SLATER’S A COCK” sign clearly wrote it on the back of a beer carton at the game while drunk, so no judgment.

I would also like to include twitter-friend Hilius‘ brilliant summary:

I don’t see what’s wrong with “BILLY SLATER’S A COCK”. Penile banners are a proud tradition in rugby league – see the Roosters’ “WE’LL BEAT YOU WITH OUR COCKS” and the Bulldogs’ “STAGG, GO IN HARD – DON’T FLOP”. Billy should be honoured.

Lolz x 1000.

Best solution as we see it is for the Melby Storm to start putting things right. As in actually start making the Big Scary Decisions about which players have to go and which players can stay. At least then the fans would feel like they’re serious about getting under the salary cap, cause right now it seems like the Melbourne storm just don’t really care and aren’t trying. Offloading Ryan Tandy isn’t exactly a huge show of good faith, you know? Plus the longer they wait, the more players will end up on reduced contracts at the Storm, or overseas, which would suck for the NRL and for their own livelihoods.

GET CRACKIN, STORM PEEPS!

And that’s all we have to say about that.

Instead, let’s talk about the epic footy-boner that was this weekend (except for the Sharks and Manly. Soz guys). AMAZING. Phil Gould was saying on the Sunday Roast that he thinks this is probably one of the softest seasons of footy he’s seen … as in no teams are really dominating. He’s right, in that you really don’t expect the team at the top of the table to cut it as fine as the Dragons did against the Rabbitohs. But if games like we saw this weekend are the result then who cares?  I LIKE IT.

THE BITCHERY

Y’all know we think Cooper Cronk is the fiercest bitch in ruby league. Well the bitch has competition from an unlikely corner: Manu Vatuvei. Usually when he scores a try/drops a ball/does something insane his response is just to grin and flash his gold teeth and continue being the Beast. And the crowd goes wild, naturally, cause he has charisma on Wil Smith-type levels (but without the creepy possible ties to Scientology).

On Saturday night he bungled a kick receive in spectcaular fashion, grinned, ran in a try a few minutes later and GOT ALL UP IN COOPER CRONK’S BIZNESS.

The tension was palpable. The fact that no one got bitchslapped was a miracle. I thought Manu was gon’ polish up his acrylics and cut a bitch. Welcome to the Fierce Bitch club, Manu.

And is it a coincidence that as soon as Manu discovers his inner bitch, the Warriors string together a whole bunch of impressive wins? For most of the season our tipping policy has been to only tip the Warriors if they’ve lost the week before, cause God knows they’d never win two in a row. Congratulations on ruining my tips, guys.

In related news, Kevin Locke is back, and still adorable.

THE COMEBACK

For all the people who got to half time in the Penrith and Parramatta game, thought it was done and dusted, and pushed the big red Foxtel button to watch Manly instead … bad choice. Seriously, bad choice. Big, huge mistake. Jarryd-with-a-Y Hayne outran Michael Jennings for one man miracle try like Nathan Gardener against the Roosters the other week. (Except when Hayne did it, it didn’t make me want to top myself, like it did when Nathan Gardener did).

People cried! Nathan Hindmarsh was everywhere! Just Horo scored a try! Feleti Mateo DID stuff.

Parramatta are starting to make me realise what it’s like to be a teacher. You get frustrated because you know little Parra is JUST SO TALENTED, and if they would actually study, and try, they’d be awesome, but they’re too busy picking their nails with scissors and refusing to concentrate. Then all of a sudden at exam time they breeze in without even opening their textbook and manage to get an A.

If Parra make it to the finals again this year I won’t be surprised. At all. Totally the kind of thing those contrary little Eels would do, right?

THE ROOSTERS

I am so proud right now. Of my Roosters for their win on Sunday, and of myself for finally – finally – managing to win Kiki over to my team. Okay, so she’s not totally ready to adopt the Roosters as a second team yet, but I’m getting closer. She is now officially a Shaun Kenny-Dowall super fan, a lover of Todd Carney and Mitchell Aubusson, and closet lover of Martin Kennedy and Jared Warea-Hargreaves.

TOLD YOU THEY WERE LOVABLE KIKI!

She even – grudgingly – said something nice about Mitchell Pearce and Braith Anasta last week. Really! I swear! Whether you love them or hate them, my boys have heart.

I was sceptical when Braith came to the Chooks. I wasn’t sure I was down with all this ex-Bulldogs fuckery, until I saw him in 2008 get hit in the face and literally CRAWL downfield on his hands and knees to stagger to his feet and get back in the game. That’s heart. Mitchell Pearce’s defence has heart. Mitchell playing through his 8,000 career knocks to the head is definitely heart.

The Sunday game was there for the Bulldogs to take, but the Roosters wanted it more, no? If you didn’t enjoy this game, then you are clearly dead inside and I pity you.

Wanna know my two highlights of the game?

1. Pearce and Carney combining to score a try from that Jake Friend pass. Why do Todd and Mitchell look so profoundly … troublesome when they’re together? Who knows. They just have an air of about-to-do-something-mischievous. Whatever. It works. When they play well, angels get their wings. Possibly also Todd gets another tattoo.

2. Braith Anasta’s Rage. I didn’t think it was possible, but I know love Braith’s bitchery as much as I love Cooper Cronk’s. His quarrels with Gavin Badger made my heart sing. He’s the kind of captain who leads from in front. His Rage is actually now another player in the Roosters team. (Dunno if you remember, but yes, Braith Anasta’s Crotch is also a Roosters player. He’s very versatile, that Braith).

THE NOD

Lastly, there are lots of grumbles about Noddy Kimmorley not getting the recognition he deserved for playing 300 games. So in tribute to our favourite footy gnome, let’s relive the time the NRL made him sit on Sassy’s knee at the NRL Players’ Christmas Party. Click on the link, scroll to the end and enjoy.

All pics: Getty Images