… Are we all joyful and excited about the Grand Final this weekend, kittens? Globo Gym vs the boys in maroon? Oh my god, what a coincidence! Me either! So let’s just try and deal with it in the most painless way we can.
Anne: Neely, you know it’s bad to take liquor with those pills.
Neely: They work faster.
The truth is that the lead up to this week’s game has caused nothing but trouble for me. My night terrors that Melbourne might actually win … again, have been so bad that Intern John-John has started slipping xanax into my bedtime cocktail. He knows I love my beauty sleep. Apparently I kept trying to strangle myself with the bedsheet and waking the household up crying and screaming STOP REFERRING TO YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON GREG INGLISSSSS.
Basically, Melbourne Storm have turned my life into Valley of the Dolls. Except it’s football driving me to the prescription meds bottle instead of a philandering husband or a failing musical career. That’s kinda sad, right?
On the bright side, at least I finally have a valid reason for why I alway wear ridiculous see-through pastel nighties.
I am also left with the horrible decision of whether to rock up at the game weaing nothing that supports any team, or … god I don’t even think I can say it … something MAROON. Is there any colour more hateful than maroon? To quote the always-eloquent Kiki “it’s like red that got shit in it”.
If love was a colour it would be marooooon
Worst of all, my decision to throw all my support behind Manly out of sheer petty dislike for the Storm has caused a giant domestic dispute Chez Sassy. My brother / flatmate is still on the Manly hate-train, and when he realised on Monday I’m team Manly, he was Not Pleased. He banged some drawers, I threw a martini, and the whole thing ended with him screaming:
“If you’d been there to seen them beat the Roosters in the semis in 1987 THEN YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND”
This is not necessarily true, because I would have been five, and probably too young to understand hate, understand who won, and/or remember any of those things if I did. But whatever. The end result is we’ve started dividing the fridge in two using sticky tape (my side has barely enough room for all my vodka and nailpolishes) and I swear yesterday he maliciously turned on the tap in the kitchen to scald me in the shower.
In other Melbourne news, the boys from south of the border are still on their quest to become the most martyred team in league. Sacrificial grapple lamb Lamberon Smith is still upset about his suspension, Israel Folau suspects he’s being illegally stopped from leaping by opposition players while the refs do nothing, and Antonio Kaufusi has vowed to win the premiership for his fallen captain. Yes, yes, we know. You’re all very noble in the face of persecution. Saint George the martyr has nothing on you kids.
I would make some kind of jokes about all that but to be honest I didn’t really read all those articles. They weren’t nearly as interesting as the news about Joyce Churchill.
JOYCE CHURCHILL was married to the greatest fullback of all time … but she has a soft spot for another. Asked which player’s neck she would most like to dangle the Clive Churchill Medal from as the man of the match from this Sunday’s grand final, she replies: “Billy Slater. I like him. I’d like to cuddle him.”
Joyce! You floozy! Just quietly, we Errol girls do love a cuddle, too. We get it! I’m guessing Joyce would have some strong opinions on the Important Question of who should take out this year’s snuggliest man in league. She’d certainly support our plan to individually snuggle each of the nominees to make sure our decision is correct.
I also think she would enjoy dropping by the Errol offices for an afternoon sherry or ten and a gossip. I’m totally up for it. Call me Joyce! I’ll bake!
(By ‘bake’, obviously I mean ‘I’ll send Lachie down to the Bourke Street bakery for eclairs and pretend that I baked’).
And in news that honestly almost makes me wanna move to Queensland, the Gold Coast Titans have decided to bring in the dollars by setting up their own betting agency, and because they are intensely lateral and creative souls, they have called it Titanbet.
Fuck off Titans, this is amazing. All the other leagues clubs are watching their punters push money into pokies to make a few extra bucks, not you Titans. They’ve decided to screw that, and go straight into TAB-style punting. They care not for the fact that they will be making money from people placing bets on events including the competition they participate in. Conflict of interest? What conflict of interest? Here, have a palm tree-patterned betting card!
I love it. More than anything I hope that they send the boys in when they’re injured and in the off-season to man the booths. You know it would be good for business. If you can’t trust Scott Prince with your bets, who can you trust?
Also, if we’ve learned anything from the Simpsons it’s that the best way to deal with a tropical community is to introduce gambling. I hope the next item on the Titans’ agenda is to build an island casino.
Island native: If God is all-powerful, why does he care if we worship him?
Homer: God is powerful, but insecure. Like Barbra Streisand before James Brolin.
Island blackjack! Island roulette! The possibilities are endless. If anything can keep rugby league solvent then it’s the wonders of casino gambling. Note to David Gallop: begin investigating themed casinos.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to have a nap. I think the downers are kicking in.