footy observations: melbourne cup style
November 3rd, 2009So you should just about have time to read this before you watch the money you bet slip away the Cup this afternoon. That sounds bitter, right? It’s not meant to. I have a real soft spot for Melbourne Cup (Kiki hates it with the fire of a thousand suns, if you’re wondering. Along with glitter nailpolish, it’s one of the only things we disagree on).
Mainly, this is because I approve of events where you can drink on a Tuesday morning without fear of judgment. Sure, you can drink on regular Tuesdays, but there’s always that nagging voice/narky passerby/priest/boss/therapist who comes along and ruins it by suggesting that maybe you should drink your morning orange juice without champagne in it. UM, IT’S MADE OF GRAPES. HOW IS THAT NOT ACCEPTABLE AS A BREAKFAST BEVERAGE? FASCISTS.
I also have fond memories of my slightly-morally-compromised Nanna picking me up early from primary school every Melbourne Cup day so I could come home and eat tiny tiny sandwiches with her and her silver-haired friends, and see first hand whether my horse won. This mattered because Nan would also put $2 bets on for me at the TAB. Any day when you get to miss school AND WIN EIGHT BUCKS is, needless to say, pretty much the greatest day ever for a six year old. That eight bucks could buy you 800 chocolate freckles. Or a primary school slave for about a week. No wonder I love Melbourne Cup day. It’s just a whole inevitable Pavlovian thing, you know?
It’s a truth universally acknowledged that children love gambling.
And of course Melbourne Cup also involves some of my all-time favourite things as an adult. These things include, but are not limited to:
- Drunk girls buying giant bags of Doritos at the servo on Alison Road opposite the racecourse at 6pm. Nothing goes with Doritos like wilted feathers and a bunyan.
- Fascinators in general. They’re played out and ugly, yet people refuse to let them go, which I find delightful in a really mean and peverse way. Think of it as the headwear equivalent of ‘the Emperor has no clothes’.
- The actual news being replaced by endless montages of horses and people in fancy outfits for me to judge as I eat my dinner. YES PLEASE.
- More importantly: footage on the news of some girl from Melby who got blind and vommed in a sulo. Anything that makes my behaviour in general life look better is something I approve of.
- Awkward office Melbourne Cup functions. When I worked in an office, the prospect of having to make small talk with Sheila from accounts over a glass of slightly warm champas in the foyer, while she rocks a printed wrap dress with her regular day-to-daqy office mules and asks me why I don’t have flowers in my hair made me want to die. Now that I don’t I think they are just peachy.
- Did I mention you can drink in the day? At work?
And because the Australian Kangaroos team are still on their quest to be the most awesome sporting team in Aussie history, they’re not just doing Movember, they’re also on the Bigpond website doing a Melbourne Cup Sweeps.
Of COURSE they’re doing a Melbourne Cup sweeps. It’s part of their big plan to Make Sassy Love Them. And yes, boys, the plan is totally working.
I may have squealed a little bit watching the video. In my defence, I’m only human. If you can watch giant footy players jumping in the air to try and pull tiny bits of paper out of a bowl and exclaiming with glee at their horses without squealing a little bit, then you have no soul.
Here’s my pick out of the footy boys’ tips:
Ben Hannant likes Master O’Reilly, because it’s running as number 4, and his kid is turning 4 today. You can’t argue with that logic! It’s the kind of logic that people have used for centuries to make up PINs for their EFTPOS cards and win lotteries. It’s foolproof.
Disclaimer: May not be actual Ben Hannant.
But if you really want a good tip, you’d have to go with Billy Slater right? His pick in the sweeps and his pick to win is Alcopop, and you have to admit bitch knows his ponies. If anyone has the inside word from the land of the jockeys, it has to be Billy. Plus, if you look closely, you can also see that he’s well into growing a sweet sweet moustache for Mobember … and if you can’t trust a man growing a mo for charity, who can you trust?
SEE? Sweet mo indeed.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to bet on Alcopop. IF IT LOSES YOU OWE ME $20 BILLY.
kiki
sassy
lozzy
interns
Alcopop should win for mind. Took it with Leica Ding, Daffodil & Shocking in a trifecta PLUS had to include little Rachel’s Master O’Reilly & the wife’s traditional donkey, Roman Emperor.
Rule for us men…ALWAYS include the families tip or risk the wrath if it comes up
POLAR BEAR! BEN HANNANT I LOVE YOUR WORK!
OMIGOD I HATE THE MELBOURNE CUP TOO, KIKI. I don’t gamble, I don’t wear fascinators so the whole day has no appeal.
I have to endure an awkward office function at 2:45 this arvo. On the upside, there’s a shitload of chocolate cake for me to binge eat instead of watching the race/talking to people.
Awwww — Billy’s mustache! Sweet, indeed. It looks like the ends of his mustache get lost in his dimples.
I hate Big Pond. I’d so love to see that video. But they won’t let anyone outside of Aus see their videos. Not only that, they insist on ‘redirecting’ me to the Aussie Sport TV website. That is NOT helpful at all since, while I can see NRL videos there, they do not have the rights to show the Big Pond videos that I wanted to see in the first place, and nothing’s been updated at Aussie Sport since the GF. It’s frustrating!!
But such is the life of a NRL fan who doesn’t live in Australia.
Love your story about your Nanna. She sounds like a real hoot. I bet (lol) she loves you very much.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN. AWESOME. can you please come back later this arvo and describe it to me in minute detail so I can enjoy it too??
hahah do you have to go and put their bets on for them? is it in the big category of Men’s Work things, like bbq-ing and putting out the garbage?
Not awesome! Anti awesome! Why don’t you come over to my work and experience the horror for yourself? (Unfortunately the socially awkward blind woman who spontaneously bursts into song is away today, so it’ll be a little less horrific than usual.) THERE AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A PUBLIC SERVICE PARTY.
Also like to add that I still cannot cope with the newfound Billy love of yours/Kiki’s. All my footy knowledge comes from you two, I’ve been conditioned to hate him, and now you two are thisclose to throwing your knickers at him. Cannot cope.
THERE AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A PUBLIC SERVICE PARTY.
HAHAHAHAH oh frances
yeh im glad im not the only one that isn’t into it. it feels like one of those really popular things that i just dont understand…like U2 and steak. I DON’T UNDERSTAAAAAND.
also if theres one thing i hate more than anything, it’s dressing up and being forced to wear heels so therefore melbourne cup gives me shivers of revulsion.
i do quite enjoy gambling but only in a footy context. and because thats the only thing i am knowledgeable about. i am a bandit for first tryscorer bets.
I have to say I think the only highlight of my first ‘proper’ Cup Day Office Lunch was my boss saying “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”
GET IT. HORSE.
Back at my computer in 45 minutes. Do we know how to party or what?!?!?!
I came third in the office sweep and the race still wasn’t interesting. If cake, wine and money cannot save it nothing can.
PS. I have boycotted heels. I’ve worn heels three times and that was three times too many. Blech.
PPS. I’m totally not with you on steak. Steak is king!
BILLY SLATER YOU OWE ME TWENTY BUCKS.
kurt gidley won the race
JT came second
GI third
I enjoyed Lewis,Smith and Gids circling Billy to see who he got and their reactions, I further enjoyed Billy in that nasally twang of his exclaiming ‘Al-cue-pop’
Also good shit from Gids picking the winner, I’m counting that as a victory for the Kights.
I KNOW IT SNUCK UP ON ME TOO.
billy and I are totally darcy and elizabeth to your confused mr. bennett, right?
Billy’s nasal twang is so lolz
The donkey I got in the sweep is still running…….well probably merely trotting really, to the nearest pet food factory. Boooooooooo!
I love how everyone becomes an expert on cup day, people you KNOW would sooner drink the loo water from a public urinal during happy hour than actually place a bet on any other day, can suddenly wax lyrical about wet and dry tracks and the training style of “Bart”. Bart? I thought he was a wee yellow boy with a bad haircut. Apparently not.
Ohhh, nice literary reference!
“We all know him to be a proud, unpleasant sort of man; but this would be nothing if you really liked him.”
Drunk girls buying giant bags of Doritos at the servo on Alison Road opposite the racecourse at 6pm. Nothing goes with Doritos like wilted feathers and a bunyan.
Love it!!
lol – what an image -feathers, Doritos, and a very large tree. Alison Road could do with a bit more greenery….
just saying
THIS IS WHY I NEED A SUBEDITOR PHILO.