Footy Observations of the Week (by proxy)
June 18th, 2008Since our usual footy observer, Kiki, has been the victim of a vicious Friday Night attack by the roads of Sydney and is having trouble with typing due to full-arm castage, this week you get me. Don’t complain or I’ll cut you good.
And in honour of our little drunken invalid, I will also write my observations in point form. Let’s pretend each star point is one of the stars that circled her head as she lay face down in the street.
* So Benji Marshall got in a fight at the Sapphire Suite on Sunday night, and some enterprising Kings Cross winner sold the pictures to the Daily Telegraph.
Benji claims he was provoked by a drunk fan, claims the photo was a ‘sting’, claims that going out with his mates is the only thing that MAKES HIM FEEL LIKE A NORMAL BOY AND NOW HE CAN’T EVEN DO THAT. THE BURDENS OF STARDOM!
My first reaction is that the ‘fight’ looks a lot like the head-grabbing thing they do in the dressing room before games. You know the one I mean? So maybe the whole thing really is just some innocent NRL skylarking.
My second reaction is … sigh, not again.
I’ve studied law, so I’m fairly certain that it will never be legal to just lock up league players between games like laboratory monkeys, although you have to admit it would solve a lot of problems. Apparently they have to be allowed ‘time to socialise’ and ‘liberty’. Whatever.
And as far as socialising goes, having disco danced with Gordon Tallis at Randwick Racecourse, I’ll say drunk league players are completely hilarious and I don’t really want to rob the world of that either.
What I want to know is why, in the name of the sweet baby Jesus, no one can stop them going to the Sapphire Suite. Remember the Sapphire Suite? In Kellett Street, where Baby Hayne and miscellaneous other Eels were shot at?
And if the threat of gunfire isn’t enough to keep idiots like Benji Marshall away from there, how about the fact that it’s a complete and utter shithole? I’m a drunken Sydney floozy and even I don’t go there. I don’t know one human being who isn’t a league player or a league groupie who goes there. I say somebody find the kids a new Peach Pit with a less offensive clientele and let’s be done with it. Or maybe just a big room of squishy balls, like they have at Ikea.
It did, however, make my day that Charlie Saleh, owner of the Sapphire Suite – I mean Sapphire Lounge (don’t wanna disrespect the rebranding) – said that out of the NRL “the only ones who don’t come any more are the Roosters, because they’ve been banned from going out in Kings Cross.”
That’s my team! They’re already banned! They just get drunk in their hotels like good boys. Love you babies!
And – I’m sure you’re all surprised – Big Willie Mason has something to say about it. Oh, Willie. Always the centre of attention, never the diplomat. That’s why we love you.
According to big Willie, Benji’s “a good bloke and he means well” … but he’s “a fiery little dude”. A FIERY LITTLE DUDE. God lova ya, Willie. That’s so the kind of thing you can only say about rugby league players when you’re the size of Willie Mason.
But what I love most is that it’s implying that Benji’s a loose cannon who gets himself into trouble and needs to learn some self-control. When Big Willie is suggesting that your temper is an issue, you’ve really hit rock bottom.
* And that brings me to Big Willie Origin news. Willie’s taken a battering this week for having so much to say about Origin, but then “going missing” when it comes to the game …. and Willie, love, you have to admit it’s true. Much as I love your rantings, I’d much rather see you actually perform on the field. Maybe smash Brent Tate to a pulp or something. There was not nearly enough of any of that in Origin II.
But then Willie comes out with this and shocks me all over again:
It’s the lowest thing you can do.
It was such an empty feeling after Origin II; it was embarrassing not to even score a try. I’m burning to get out there and redeem myself, as are all the boys.You’re hurting enough as it is. You don’t need a former great who is held in such high regard bagging the team and individuals.
It doesn’t help to have ex-players come out and bag you.
YOU’RE HURTING ENOUGH AS IT IS. This is almost as amazing as the moment when Sonny Bill Williams asked us to remember that he has feelings too.
Since when are there so many feelings in football? Have Mason and Sonny Bill Feelings been having spa-days together and discussing their emotions? Taking group therapy? I don’t understand how they’re suddenly all so emotionally expressive and self-aware. I kinda love it … but it’s unnerving.
Don’t you just wish you could bake a cake made of rainbows and smiles, so they’d all eat it and be happy? Or in Willie’s case, so he could go back to expressing his feelings by smashing Queensland on the football field. Cause that would be great.
* That reminds me, Sonny’s upset again this week. I think the Bulldogs put out a media release without him signing off on it. Or maybe he lost a sock. Or watched a documentary about endangered puffins. Or his girlfriend hung up the phone without saying ‘I love you’ first. The usual.
* And finally, I think I should also announce that we have a new contender in 2008 for Fattest Man in League. Congratulations, Danny Wicks! Look out for an official winner at the end of the season.
kiki
sassy
lozzy
interns
Agreed! They should be getting drunk in their rooms together. I mean, they have everything they could want. Shit music, drinks, each other … IT WOULD WORK.
Willie Mason and SBW must be seeing the same counselor or something.
And SBW is so upset still that he wont be playing this round. AGAIN. injury my foot.
Amazingly Danny Wicks’ thighs still arent as big as Reni’s. He must be an apple.
Oh yes, and this post was exactly what i needed to get over my hump. I was in serious withdrawals. IS IT THE WEEKEND YET?
HAHAHAHAHA ah sassy u kill me. such brilliance.
i so should sell that foto of schillo in his undies to the tele. an easy 6 grand. but i just cant do it to the big man! pesky morals.
it just took me so long to type that. ONE HANDED PPL.
I thought that you’d like that I managed to mock you and reference mean girls in one post. heart.
ps if anyone’s wondering, the caption for that last pic in the herald was Danny Wicks rumbles up-field. Heh.
Oh, oh! This reminds me, I have a question for league-type-persons…
When a league player switches teams, why do they always show footage of them half naked getting felt up by a doctor in front of an all-out media throng???
This seems strange to outsiders, believe me.
It’s awkward and ambiguously homosexual in it’s way…
I doubt the guy is even a doctor.
Remarkably, the only person who seems uncomfortable about the whole thing is the player himself…
Is this a marketing ploy to get females on board???
It’s fucking weird yo.
seriously james, I think that’s how they mark every milestone in league.
at halftime, you get the locker room shots of all the players sitting around shirtless. after the game there are all the shots of them almost-naked hugging and getting massages. on recovery monday the 7pm news always has footage of the players frolicking in the ocean together shirtless.
then when they change teams they get the *turn your head and cough* exam.
if you ask me it’s just because rugby league (like all ball sports really) is just massively homo. that may or may not be kind of the reason I love it.
they’ve even done MEN OF LEAGUE oiled-up calendars which I think were meant to be marketed at women, but mainly the gays buy them.
oops, I got so caught up in the homo I forgot to actually answer the question. I think they do the exam to make sure they’re getting a good buy that has all his teeth and stuff. like when you buy a horse.
but they do it half-naked and in public because they’re delightfully pervy.
Well, it’s a good thing they are doing all this bullshit after they’ve joined the team…
Imagine he’s getting his health-check in front of the media-pack, Dr Doug’s touching him up, and “Oops, our new $1 million superstar has no right leg below the knee… shouldn’t have signed him up I spose.
Oh well, bend over so I can check your prostate anyway…”
bahahha, well it’s true league men aren’t really known for their smarts.
meanwhile for someone who doesn’t like league you have a lot opinions today. it was the homo talk that got you interested, wasn’t it?
Yeh I felt strange in my pants, so I respond with ANGERRRR.
Nah, it’s just that I don’t get why they parade a fully grown man half-naked in front of the cameras for the benefit of a mostly male demographic… Do all the blokes up there talk about it the next day at the water cooler?…
I dunno, your sport’s wierd hahaha.
I think they just crave the affection, personally.
They may be dumb as posts but they also have feeeelings and neeeeds and skin on skin contact is one of them. They need constant validation in the form of arse pats and hugs and having their genitals groped.
“Yeh I felt strange in my pants, so I respond with ANGERRRR.”
aaah jimmy you make me laugh. bless.
Awesome post… living in Melbourne, we don’t really get to hear about NRL shenanigans that much or really know anything about Kings Cross.
Reminds me of the time i was at the Falls Festival a few years back and i ran into lots of melbourne storm players who were rolly polying down the hill then taking photos of themselves trying to vomit. I must add that Mick Crocker was the ringleader and was wearing denim overalls with no top underneath and a straw hat, it made for lots of lols
bahahah hazy that’s fabulous! see this is why I don’t want to rob the world of the joy that is drunken footballers. but then they can’t be trusted in public. hmmmm.
maybe they just need some shooolmarmy bossy Ladies of a Certain Age to chaperone them and keep them in line.
Hilarious, yet i’m now going to have nightmares of an angry shirtless overalled Michael Crocker as a farmer chasing me through the corn fields. Waaah! Thats just how my brain works.
They definitely need some chaperones. The NRL should totally implement that.
Great work! So True!
Kiki get better – I’m missing you on fm and vogue!! (ps. it ashanna)
If you need someone else to blog anything for you while your out injured… let me know, I would be more than happy to help out.
I know you guys are all Syndey people too, so if you want something done on the Brisbane/GC/Nth Qld boys let me know
hahah thats what i think everytime i see him ( Michael Crocker). I don’t think the picture will ever leave my head. they were all so drunk, it was two years ago and Matty King * sobs* was still around and he seemed the only non drunk one in the group, although i, myself was what some people would label ‘plastered’ and perhaps i was in no state to rank people’s soberness or lack thereof
aw matty king! I miss him and his white-boy fro so much.
hazy I think it’s probably more like if you were blind, and even you could see they were drunker than you …
queen b I’m going to send you a message on vogue!
omg matty king WASNT drunk??? i woulda thought he would be the drunkest one of all! im rather dissapointed.
does everyone realise that Fat Danny is famous for getting around newcastle on a vespa scooter?? he doesnt drive…. only scoots. the mental image is beyond lolz.
also james i enjoy that out of all the tings to notice about league u chose the nudity. i dont know what that says about u but i think i like it.
omg that srsly took me 10 mins to type. FUCKING ARM.
heres a present for u james..
http://bp3.blogger.com/_1epUfqmW7cI/SFPJfQQN-_I/AAAAAAAAFGk/wwMOWpRrCGA/s1600/BillySlater-Shirtless-Underwear-HOT-BSCAP-.JPG
Fattest Man In League is a totes ex competition, because when Piggy hears, we’ll see the most hilar forced ballooning of a man ever.
“If we’re being honest, about the same amount of bourbon too.”
I really really hope that riddell takes this as a challenge. get back on the beers piggy! rumbling danny wicks has thrown down the gauntlet!
ps I would be so so happy if, just once, I could see rumbling danny riding his vespa and piggy riddell in the side car.
http://www.leaguehq.com.au/news/news/big-man-flips/2008/03/11/1205125911701.html
picture of danny wicks doing a backflip…
I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT IS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.
pfft. I can totally do that shit.
I’ll believe it when I see it mister.
james you realise now we’ll be demanding backflips on cue.
Sassy.
You are way better than a one handed Kiki. Just so you know everyone, the reasons she can’t blog now is because she needs one hand to drink.
*love you sis*
Anywho, funny funny blog
Good chortle.