footy observations: things that are red and things that are blue

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HELEN JOEL

It’s Joel Monaghan’s birthday today! Variously known as reigning Ranga of the Year 2008 (to all of us here at Errol HQ) and the ‘unknown man’ (to whomever does the subediting at news.com.au) … our man Monas is now officially 27.

Happy birthday baby! I think he really enjoyed the singing cake-o-gram we sent him this morning, too. We are always thinking of others.

If I had to guess, I’d say picking his favourite gift of the day was a really tricky choice between the singing cake and the fact that he was named in the NSW State of Origin squad announced today. Wheeee, origin! ONLY SIX WEEKS TO GO, KITTENS!

ORIGIN SQUAD 2009 – SQUAD OF LIESSSSS

As soon as I read this and saw that it included Benny Creagh/Justin Poore/Patron Saint Dave Williams/Robbie Farah/Michael Jennings/Michael Weyman/Trent Waterhouse/T.Camps, but omitted Noddy Kimmorley/Jamie Soward/Nathan Hindmarsh I was variously overjoyed and outraged.

I also thought that Nick Tedeschi over at Punting Ace would be absolutely beside himself that the Colin Best Express is in the squad.

Except then I read this:

So it’s not really a squad then … so much as, say, a jumping off point from which to start negotiations?

Not to mention the fact that it has forty people in it. Aren’t there only 400 players registered in the NRL? And surely at least half of them are British/Polynesian/Kiwi. Once you take out the Queenslanders, doesn’t that include pretty much every person in the NRL who’s from NSW? Man, I’d be pissed if I was left out.

Chris Lawrence (also known as THE MAN WHO IS FASTER THAN BILLY SLATER … OH YEAH! *thrust*) calls it “a good indication that they’re thinking about you.”

Aaaah, so it’s like a State of Origin bat-of-the-eyelashes. The selectors are the pretty girl at school who’ll give you a look that says maaaaaybe I’ll go to the dance with you, but only if I don’t get a better offer. Bitch is triflin. For real.

The squad will come together next week to discuss the entire State of Origin program, including training schedules, gear fittings, media and team photos.

Apparently all you get out of being in the squad is that you get to go to meetings and discuss what outfits you’re going to wear. Actually I guess that is pretty important when you’re about to be watched by a yet-to-be-determined proportion of the entire population of at least two whole states. Personally, I hope this year they go with pleated skirts and knee socks like in A League of their Own.

L-R: Glenn Stewart, Joel Monaghan, Luke O’Donnell, Michael Jennings and Trent Waterhouse (embracing), and James McManus celebrate a NSW victory.

INVOLUNTARY REP-SPONSE

See what I did there!? Took a real phrase and misspelled it so it refers to REP-resentative football. God, I’m good. Anyway, before we get to the squad list, I warn you that when you read it you’ll see those two magic words: Jamie Lyon.  Ummm … what the fuck? How many times can one man say he doesn’t want to play? As far as I can tell he has:

a) told Craig Bellamy over the phone;

b) written to the ARL;

c) burned it into his front lawn with weed-killer, and

d) told Laurie Daley via coconut phone.

… nyello, Jamie? Go ahead, I’m listening.

THANKS BUT NO THANKS, BITCHES. I’m kinda starting to feel sorry for him. What’s the point of even putting him in the team if he would rather not be there? Can you force a man to play involuntary rep football?

You know he’ll just keep quiet until training starts, then turn up with a note saying he has period cramps, like I did when I didn’t want to practise life-saving and rescuscitation in the disgusting UNSW pool in year nine. Which was pretty much every week for two semesters. (Clearly I care not for saving lives. That’s what the Bondi Rescue boys are for).

Ther’s one other thing, though: I honestly can’t even talk about this without it blowing mah mind. Jamie Lyon doesn’t want to play Origin. Doesn’t … want … to. Would rather … not. It’s like hearing “back off Hot Bitch, you’re close enough for me to smell your cologne” or “does this top come in maroon?”

Especially since every year when I go to Origin I am deadset thisclose to running on the field. I’M READY! PICK ME! I have a nifty little sidestep, a really overactive imagination, and I think I would make an excellent centre. I could partner Matt Cooper. Heh … partner. Apparently I even have a really disconcerting habit of leaping to my feet whenever there’s a fight and miming frenzied uppercuts. I JUST REALLY LOVE MY STATE OK?

And I figure if you don’t wanna be a Blue … you aren’t one. Apparently where you are from and where you grew up and where you started playing mean little to nothing in representative league (Hi Greg Inglis and Flossy Nightingale!) so let’s just base it on desire instead. Which disqualifies Jamie for 2009.  Moving on … NEXT!

Go ahead and have a read of the squad and get ready to hear our own NSW Origin team later this week. Kiki is actually in the back room with the interns and a box of wine right now (poppas for Lachie) moving little blue toy soldiers around on the table figuring out who should go where. And when we’re done we’ll reveal all in OUR PLAN TO REGAIN THE ORIGIN TROPHY.  *uppercut*

THE “JUMPING OFF” SQUAD:

Luke Bailey (Titans), Colin Best (Rabbitohs), Terry Campese (Raiders), Matt Cooper (Dragons), Ben Creagh (Dragons), Ben Cross (Knights), Michael Ennis (Bulldogs), Robbie Farah (Wests Tigers), Paul Gallen (Sharks), Keith Galloway (Wests Tigers), Kurt Gidley (Knights) Jarryd Hayne (Eels), Ryan Hoffman (Storm), Michael Jennings (Panthers), Brent Kite (Sea Eagles), Anthony Laffranchi (Titans), Chris Lawrence (Wests Tigers), Luke Lewis (Panthers), Jamie Lyon (Sea Eagles), James McManus (Knights), Mark Minichiello (Titans), Joel Monaghan (Raiders), Josh Morris (Bulldogs), Jarrod Mullen (Knights) Luke O’Donnell (Cowboys), Mitchell Pearce (Roosters), Josh Perry (Sea Eagles), Justin Poore (Dragons), Anthony Quinn (Storm), Michael Robertson (Sea Eagles) Brett Stewart (Sea Eagles), Glenn Stewart (Sea Eagles), John Sutton (Rabbitohs), Alan Tongue (Raiders), Anthony Tupou (Sharks), Peter Wallace (Broncos), Trent Waterhouse (Panthers), Anthony Watmough (Sea Eagles), Michael Weyman (Dragons), David Williams (Sea Eagles).